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Discussion in 'Advertising, Marketing, Social Media' started by Lex DeVille, Sep 1, 2018.

  1. Lex DeVille
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    Lex DeVille The moments that define you have already happened. Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass LEGENDARY CONTRIBUTOR

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    Not much to go on with, but I'll review what I can.

    First Sentence
    There's a good sense of YOU focus. It feels like you're talking to me. Good job. It could possibly be shortened a little, but right now I can feel your voice behind the words. Sometimes it's okay to have longer sentences, or style abnormalities when they make sense for the brand or the writer's personal style.

    Second Sentence
    This line has both good and bad. On the good side it accurately reflects your reader's pains. It speaks to them with words and phrases they're probably already thinking. The not good part mostly has to do with grammar.

    • "have bad destiny" - a better way to say this might be, "is fate against me?"
    • "cursed hands" - "Do I have cursed hands?"
    • "or being remotely" - Do unseen forces not want me to succeed?
    This way breaks it up into several short sentences. It turns statements into questions. Statements are you telling the story. Questions cause the reader to turn inward and reflect on their own situation. Rather than telling a story, you ought to let them experience it for themselves.

    Call To Action
    Your CTA is okay. It could be more direct. As a question it needs a question mark at the end. If I were writing it, I would do it like this:

    Take this QUIZ to find out how your star holds you back.
    Take this QUIZ to see what your star says about your future.
     
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  2. Shinebabe
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    Shinebabe New Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane

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    Thank you so much Lex.
    I'm grateful
     
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  3. Xolorr
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    Xolorr Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass

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    Hey Lex!

    Great thread ⚡️Would love some input! I feel like my copy is still very "me" centric, but it's slowly getting better with each piece I write. Below is an email I sent out to offer free videos to boutique hotels and luxury accommodation.

    Hi *client name*,

    From a look at your website, your accommodation looks incredible! I would like to help you show off the beauty of your property in today's digital world and get you more clients!

    I am *name*, a young freelance filmmaker and photographer, who is also studying a BBA in marketing management, as well as a nanodegree in digital marketing, and I would like to offer you the opportunity of a free promotional video showcasing your accommodation, which you could then use to market your amazing properties and share with your potential customers. This would be free marketing material which would usually cost tens of thousands (local currency) to hire a filmmaker for and would provide an exponential return on investment.

    As I am looking to break into the market of making videos promoting luxury tourism options, I would like to build a solid portfolio of videos from establishments such as yours, and would thus offer you a free video in return for the experience in this particular niche. I would ultimately be aiming to achieve something similar to these videos:


    View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=negni3BiiT4


    View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3tB7aFoyjY


    View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLV4lxAfp3g


    with a slightly more upbeat vibe, which would be more relevant to the social media landscape of today.

    I would only need access to your property for one day to gather enough footage.

    It would ultimately need to be sometime before the 28th of September, as I will be leaving for a film project with a resort in Egypt on that day, and will only be back from this trip in November.

    Please feel free to reach out at any time if there is anything else you need to know.

    My relevant portfolio and social media links are available in my signature below, I look forward to your response!

    Kind regards,
     
  4. yyes
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    yyes Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane FASTLANE INSIDER

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    Lex,

    Thank you so much for doing this. I came up with this copy and was wondering if you could provide me some feedback. I tried to follow the advice of John Carlton, Web Copy That Sells, Joe Polish, & the book Cashvertising. Please let me know what I can improve on this. Thank you again for doing this.




    Why Allow Me To Clean Your Carpets? Because I Offer You A Risk Free,100% Satisfaction Guarantee Or Your Money Back.

    Hey there,

    You might be thinking that there’s a typo in the headline. But there isn’t. Im being dead serious.

    Why offer something that most of my competitors find foolish and absurd?

    Because I’m confident that I can deliver the results that you are looking for. And if I can’t deliver results and provide value, then why should you the customer have to pay me?

    So here’s my guarantee:

    If you’re not absolutely, 100% happy with the results we deliver, I will personally give you your money back.

    GUARANTEED!!

    As I mentioned earlier, we have our competitors laughing, calling us crazy & saying that its foolish to back up my work.

    But it’s NOT. Let me explain.

    Your house is one of the biggest investments you will ever make so you deserve to have it looking clean, beautiful, spotless, and germ free.

    What’s more, we all hate taking risks and because we all hate risk, I believe that this Money Back Guarantee takes the risk from you and gives me an opportunity to prove myself to you.

    So here’s what we I’m offering:

    • Free Audit- We will first head over to your house, meet with you, and go over your concerns, goals, and expectations.
    • 100 % Satisfaction Guarantee- If you’re not 100% happy with the results we provide based off the expectations set in the Audit then we will do one of two things:
    • Clean the Carpet one more time free of charge, or
    • Give ALL your money back. Guaranteed!!
    • 30 Day Accident Protection- Accidents happen. Maybe your uncle spilled soda on the carpet while watching the football game on Thanksgiving Day. Or maybe your dog was brought in on a rainy day and now your carpet is filled with mud and dirt. Whatever the reason may be, give us a call and we will clean up the mess free of charge within that 30 day period.

    Get in touch with me ASAP as this offer expires September 31st 2018. Its easy for you to get a hold of me.

    Call/Text me xxx.xxx.xxxx

    Email me:xx@gmail.com

    Visit my Website:www.carpetcleaning.com
     
  5. Lex DeVille
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    Lex DeVille The moments that define you have already happened. Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass LEGENDARY CONTRIBUTOR

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    Since you're addressing an individual by name it's kind of a casual statement. So "Hey" would be better than "Hi" which doesn't sound as informal. A small change, but makes a big difference in how things start. "Hey" is what a friend says. "Hi" is more direct and serious unless it's followed by an exclamation point, but that wouldn't fit here.

    Good start with YOU focus.

    One big problem for me is you switch from casual to business halfway through the paragraph. It breaks flow. It's like a fork in the road. Two paths and each one leads to a different outcome.

    Casual talk is used to get people to respond for casual conversation (relationship building). Business talk promotes some other action like learning more, or clicking to buy (awareness or selling).

    By switching like this it tells the reader your first statement was inauthentic. You don't want to build a relationship. You want to sell them something. Now their defenses go up because they know this is a mass communication. Doesn't matter if it isn't.

    The exclamation points don't feel right. They come across really excited like a hyper puppy dog.

    To fix this paragraph you should revisit your reader's perspective. Think about what they need to read to keep them from trashing this in 2 seconds. What would you need to read?

    To me it would be better to mention their property and then go straight into who you are and what you want. Tell them about the free video promotion up front and follow up with your reason why. That should at least create a sense of, "I'm listening, tell me more.." to move them to paragraph 2. Remember to keep it short tho.

    Way too much info here. Your reader is a business. They're busy. These paragraphs look overwhelming. How can you make all of this shorter? Faster? Do they even need this info?

    No reason to talk about accessing their property or the social media landscape etc. The people who like what you're doing will reply without all that info. The other people wouldn't reply anyway.

    In the line above this paragraph you gave a specific date. Now you're telling him to reach out "anytime." To me that means never. Your goal is to get him to reply by a specific date for a specific action, not just for anything else he needs to know.

    No reason to tell him about all your portfolfio links in your signature. He's not stupid. He'll find those on his own if he cares. This line should either be deleted or should be a direct call to action.

    Here's a quick mock up of how I might write this..

    Hey Marty,

    Fisherman's Inn looks like a really great place to stay. I'm a college student creating free promotional videos for boutique businesses to get experience. I'd like to make one for you. Interested?

    [ VIDEO 1 ]
    [ VIDEO 2 ]
    [ VIDEO 3 ]

    Again it's totally free.

    If yes, reply by Sept. 28th for more info.

    Kind Regards,

     
  6. Lex DeVille
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    Lex DeVille The moments that define you have already happened. Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass LEGENDARY CONTRIBUTOR

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    Since this is written in sales letter style I'll assume it's for a sales page on your website. So it means the audience is there because they're exploring local carpet cleaning options. Based on the style, I'll also assume this is for private carpet cleaning rather than business.


    Your headline has to get their attention. It looks like a headline, so that's good. If this is a "why hire me" page then the headline might make sense for the context.

    If I used this headline I'd get rid of everything after, "Carpets?" The whole "risk free" thing comes across spammy. Plus it might have them thinking about "risk." Also, the consumer never knows how true any of these guarantees are. All they know is they have to take a risk to find out.

    Better to leave them on a question so they have to read into the body for the answer.

    If you ended the headline on a question then you could open the body with something more interesting than, "hey there." You could continue the thought from above. Then the story (and the reader) would already be in motion.

    Right now the reader gets the story in the headline and starts a brand new story in the body. In other words, they start and then have to stop. How annoying is it to get going at a green light and have to slam the breaks at a red a few seconds later?

    FIRST LINE
    Delete the first line. It's filler that doesn't move the reader forward. Every word should move them closer to your goal.

    SECOND LINE
    To be honest I think you need a stronger benefit from the start. If you're gonna go with the whole "risk free" thing, you might as well say they should hire you because you'll do a damn good job and won't steal their sh*t. At least you'd feel honest. Plus there can't be many carpet cleaners making statements like that.

    THE REST OF THIS SECTION
    The writing is alright. I mean it flows well. It's just that it feels more like it's about you (the writer) than them (the reader). You brought up your competitors, so now they know they have other options too. So far there's no mention of any problem they have. Only thoughts of risk, self-talk, filler, other options, and spammy sales guarantees.

    In terms of structure, you're golden. It's the content that needs work.

    Here there's more filler in the first line. Why are we backtracking again? Go forward. Do NOT mention competitors at all. You want them thinking about YOU only.

    You don't want them thinking you're crazy or that people laugh at you. How foolish would a person be to hire someone others think is foolish?

    The customer cares 0.00% about what you believe or giving you an opportunity. They don't care. None of that is about their problems:

    1. Their carpets are disgusting
    2. Store bought solutions don't get the job done
    3. They don't have time to do it on their own
    4. They can rent equipment but they might waste money
    5. They don't want to get ripped off or robbed
    Solving those is what they care about. That's why they're on your website. They want you to answer those questions. Do that and you won't need spammy guarantees.

    Love the "free audit." Feels personalized and adds value. The satisfaction guarantee is fine too. I don't like the money back guarantees but satisfaction is cool.

    I don't like to talk about what happens if they're "not happy." When I offer a service I'm 100% confident I'll get the job done right and they'll love it. There's no reason to talk about what-if scenarios where things go wrong.

    A
    used car dealer doesn't say, "if your car breaks down tomorrow, we'll gladly take it back" even if they will.

    Your CTA can be more direct. "ASAP" is too vague and open-ended even though you gave a date. Couldn't you just say, "Contact me by Sept. 31st"?

    But what's with the date anyway? You didn't offer anything limited. Right now your offer basically says, "contact me by 9-31 or else your satisfaction and money are NOT guaranteed." It doesn't make sense. If you're going to set a deadline you need an offer that expires after the deadline.

    Also, which action do you want them to take? Aren't they already on your website? Call or email makes the most sense to me.

    FINAL THOUGHTS
    The flow feels right. The structure looks right. It's the content that's off. Needs to focus more on the reader, their problems, and showing specifically how you solve those. Avoid the negative language (risk, competitors, not happy) and ditch the spammy guarantees and this will be a lot better.
     
  7. yyes
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    yyes Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane FASTLANE INSIDER

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    Thank you so much for responding to this Lex. I really appreciate it.
    I will definitely take this advice to heart and keep working at it

    Thanks again man
     

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