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Free Copywriting Reviews - Click Here

Discussion in 'Advertising, Marketing, Social Media' started by Lex DeVille, Sep 1, 2018.

  1. Lex DeVille
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    Lex DeVille CAUTION! I hurt people's feelings... Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass LEGENDARY CONTRIBUTOR

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    Someone asked for a copy review. Thought we'd give it a shot. If you're learning copywriting, and you want my thoughts, reply. I'll write something up, and post it in this thread.

    It's risky of course. You'll have to put yourself out there. But you'll get my feedback. Just don't send 4,000 word sales pages. I'll review within reason. Limit 1 piece per person. The first one is below:

    Looks like cold emails. First let's address the 4 points:

    • keep it short and simple
    • ask specific questions
    • not sell in the email
    • make the person interested enough to get him on the phone

    This is a super simplified overview. For the most part they make sense. You're missing at least one point. We'll come back to that.

    Also I don't know what subject you're using. The subject is important. People don't read what they don't open. We'll skip it for now.



    Opener - Hey [ Name ],
    The opener feels casual, almost like you're old friends. It feels personal, like you wrote it and pushed send. That's good.

    Line 1 - I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.
    The casual friendliness disappears here. Nothing tells me what this is about. Instead, you focused my attention on wasting my time. I'd stop reading here. You also started with "I" which proves this isn't about a me, but achieving a sale for you.

    Line 2 - Is everything in your business going well?
    The reader doesn't make it this far. If he did, he still doesn't know what you want. Now you ARE wasting his time. The question isn't specific, it's vague and leads to a closed response.

    Line 3 - Do you have enough well-paying clients?
    By this line you've made him read 3 lines of nothing. He doesn't know what you want or why you keep asking questions. Why should he keep reading? Now he's annoyed, thinking.. get to the point already, jeez. Also the word "well-paying" sounds salesy.

    The alternate line is slightly better, but again, they didn't read that far.

    Line 4 - I possibly could help you with that. Just hear me out.
    Here you made it about yourself again. You're talking about what you want. You stated you don't know if you can help him or not (the word "possibly"). The words, "just hear me out" are too forceful. You haven't given them a reason to listen to you yet.

    Call to Action - Do you have a few minutes to talk?
    "No" is the response you won't get. They won't bother with a reply.


    We'll stop there.

    To make it better don't talk about wasting time. Get to the point faster. Address the problem as they describe it. Start with something other than "I." Make it about them. Only talk about yourself to show what makes you credible. Make your CTA a CTA. Give them an action like, "If interested, reply and we'll schedule a quick call."



    Opener
    This opener is too slow and boring. The one from the other email is better.

    Line 1
    Same problem as the other email.

    Line 2
    The words, "You have a great SEO" read funny. It should be "You have great SEO." The line is too long. The word "decent" implies their website isn't bad, but also isn't good. If they built it their self you might offend them. The whole sentence feels like template spam.

    Line 3
    It's unclear how you could help. Since the website is "decent" they don't need help anyway.

    Call to Action
    You can switch the line if you want. They won't call you. They're not operating on your schedule. You're interrupting theirs. You have to call them. And you have to do it when it's convenient for them.


    Overall this suffers similar problems as the first email. It's not clear what problem you solve. No problem. No solution. No reason to read or respond.

    @MikeS

    Fix those issues and you'll have a better chance to get them on the phone.
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2018
    Scot, jovun1982, Vilox and 10 others like this.
  2. MikeS
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    I appreciate that you've taken the time to review this. I will work on improving the things you mentioned. Thank you, @Lex DeVille!
     
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  3. André G.
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    André G. Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass

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    Thanks for doing this @Lex DeVille

    Here's an example of an email I'm sending right now... What do you think?

    "Subject line: [First Name], I have a question...

    Hey [First Name],

    Read your previous article you did about X [or some other personal/professional subject]

    Got interested and wanted to shoot you a message. I write copy for [niche] to help them get [benefit, i.e.: grow their online sales]. I've worked with other businesses such as [...].

    Is there someone appropriate to talk to if you work with outside copywriters?
    Thanks,
    [My first name]"
     
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  4. Lex DeVille
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    Lex DeVille CAUTION! I hurt people's feelings... Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass LEGENDARY CONTRIBUTOR

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    Subject Line
    I'd click this to see what it's about and who it's from. Wouldn't recommend "I" in the title. Replacing, "I have a question" with "quick question" will probably have better open rates. Most people will open this as it is though.

    Paragraph 1
    Good that you didn't start with, "I." This paragraph starts like a pitch to a blog editor. If you're pitching editors it's fine. Be sure to mention a couple points you liked about their article. Otherwise you'll seem fake. If you're not pitching editors this line may need overhauled.

    Paragraph 2
    This line is pretty typical of a cold email. The first sentence belongs in paragraph 1. The benefits need to be specific. "Grow their online sales" won't get their attention. How do you help them do that? Instead of, "I have worked with...." what if you said, "some of the businesses who hire me include...." Then you might plant a covert thought seed in your words to "hire me."

    Paragraph 3
    Your subject line and line 1 made the email seem personalized. Then you moved to offering services. Now you're on to information gathering. By this point it's all over the place and not likely to get a response.

    Overall
    The length is about right. It's a bit "me" focused, but not too bad. The biggest problem is it reads like a mixed bag of email templates. Feels like a rushed relationship too.

    Imagine you see an attractive person you want to meet. To break the ice you compliment their sunhat. Then what? Do you say you've had lots of partners? Ask them who you can marry next?

    If you want them to give you the time of day, they need to take you seriously. They need to be open to speaking with you. Open to receiving your message. All of that requires a real conversation.

    So a better approach might be:

    1) Keep the whole email focused on their article.
    2) Ask a question about their article.

    People become responsive when you show real interest in them. Business is about relationships. Not conversions. They're sitting around waiting for someone to show interest in them. You mention their article, they perk up. Switch topics, they realize it was all a ruse. Another waste of time.

    The mindset of this email seems like you want a response so you can get a sale. But you ought to be conscious of the other steps between first contact and closing the deal.
     
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  5. GatsbyMag
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    Hey @Lex DeVille what do you think of this cold email to an operations director working in a large retail company?

    Subject: Lex, [your company name] meets Gatsby Co.

    Message:
    "
    Lex,

    The retailers I work with tell me that with the rise of e-commerce, they struggle to create and manage a continuous experience in-store, online, and on mobile to meet the expectations of modern customers.

    Bain & Co. recently reported that 90% of retail decision makers already have or are looking to invest in an omnichannel plan. But only 8% believe they've actually been successful in implementing and managing their omnichannel approach!

    Gatsby Co. offer a solution that easily works with old and existing systems to provide customers with a consistent retail experience across all channels and touchpoints.

    I've helped retailers like [brand1], [brand2], [brand3] and [brand4] to reduce complexity and stress in multi-channel management, optimize growth, customer retention and profitability.

    We helped [brand5] achieve:
    • 9.7% point increase in customer satisfaction
    • Increase in sales by 20%
    • Create a new strategy for approaching customers

    While I don't know if we are a good fit for your brand, why don't we schedule a 15 minute call to help me learn more about your unique challenges? From there we can decide if it makes sense to set up a deeper conversation. How about next Tuesday at 3:30pm?

    Kind regards,
    Gatsby
    "
     
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  6. Lex DeVille
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    Subject
    I don't know Gatsby Co. You'd get my attention with my name, and I might click. If you send this to enough people some will open it.

    The Email
    When I open this I see a wall of text. My eyes glaze over. Doesn't matter that you used my name. The first line is all about you. There's no reason for me to read on.
    • "The retailers" <--- I don't care
    • "I work with" <--- double don't care
    • "tell me" <--- don't care
    The first sentence is insanely long. It sounds robotic. How many people have you talked to this week? How many conversations sounded like this, "struggle to create and manage a continuous experience..." wtf does that even mean?

    After this it turns into a blog article. You rattle off facts targeted toward nobody (i.e. 90% of retail decision makers) and big words (omnichannel, implementing). It puts me to sleep.

    When you talk about what you offer it gets a little clearer. But the very next paragraph starts with, "I've helped" which indicates Gatsby Co. isn't even a company. It's an individual. This creates confusion about who you (or your company) are and what you can actually do.

    The bullets should start with your strongest point. A 20% increase in sales is more important than a 9.7% increase in customer satisfaction.

    The last paragraph plants a seed of doubt in their mind. You don't know <-- doubt. This paragraph is also the first time you've talked about their challenges at all. They've already decided how they feel about talking with you. Guarantee they're busy next Tuesday at 3:30pm.

    Improvements
    • Target it to the exact title/position of your audience
    • Make it more direct. Shorter sentences. Simple words.
    • Don't try to be all-inclusive of every possible scenario (i.e. in store, online and on mobile)
    • Target one specific problem they have and show how you solve it
    • Write like a human not an analyst or robot
    • The CTA should invite them to reply -- not to confirm a call time
    Highlight everything in this email that doesn't describe their problem or how you solve it. Delete all that stuff. Focus more on them. Less on you and your credibility.

    If you send this email to enough people, you'll eventually get a response. I've seen some cold emails like this do okay on a mass scale.

    To me it's just not clear and direct enough. It needs better targeting. Once you take care of the points above you should get better results.
     
  7. GatsbyMag
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    This is a great review Lex. I want to send this email to a mass number of people within various retail organisations - hence why it's so general. If I were focusing on a c-suite within an enterprise, I'd make the email more targeted. With that said, I'm absolutely going to make all the improvements you suggested. However I'm not sure if I should follow some of the points which I've underlined + highlighted in bold in the quote above - what are your thoughts?

    Also, I'm not sure as to how to "write like a human", do you have any resources/examples you could redirect me to or any further advice?

    Thank you!
     
  8. Lex DeVille
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    Are you offering your services as an individual? If so, what's the purpose in mass emailing when you can't work with all of the people you contact?

    In regards to the underlined stuff, I mentioned above if you send this to enough people you'll eventually get a response.

    To write like a human just means to consider how you talk to real people. When I talk to people I just talk to them, like a person. Those long, multi-syllable words make it seem like the reader is talking to a robot. boop bee boop boop beep boop boop.
     
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  9. GatsbyMag
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    I'm offering my service as a company. I've got a team, I just wanted to make it more personable by speaking as an individual.

    I've made your suggested edits and I'll keep you updated on what worked. Thanks.
     
  10. vshetty.vs
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    Hey lex,

    Thanks a lot for doing this. What do you think of this facebook ad I wrote for a client of mine.

    Some background info: my client is offering to teach other lifestyle brands how they can attract customers

    The goal of the Facebook ad is to drive traffic to his free video and collect leads

    THE COPY

    HEADLINE: Turn your side hustle into a full-time business

    BODY:
    Running a lifestyle business on the side is fu*cking difficult. You are so busy chasing suppliers and managing expenses that you have no time to grow your sales.

    If you are anything like I was ten years ago there’s a nagging feeling you have that something is holding you back from making more out of this.

    You love what you do on a day to day basis but what’s the end game?

    Do you want to be stuck working 60-hours a week getting subpar results for the rest of your life?

    If you answered no, then you need to STOP.

    Stop what you are doing. STOP using outdated methods that don’t work. STOP throwing your money away.

    In this video, I talk about some of the biggest tactics retail industry leaders use to separate themselves from the chumps.

    The techniques I’ll teach you here have been used by me personally to create one of the biggest retail business in Australia.

    Honest Advice from someone who’s been there, done that

    I’m am not some self-important “guru” whose primary business is selling information on running a lifestyle business instead of actually owning one.

    I have started one of the biggest retail stores in Australia. In my free time, I work as a marketing consultant to companies like Uber, Mercedes and Uniqlo.

    But you don’t care about me and my story. You care about quitting your corporate 9-5 job and working on your business full-time. This is exactly what my “XXX” Method can do for you.

    You are going to learn how you can

    1. Grow your retail business without hiring a huge marketing team

    2. Identify your target customers(the ones who bring in 90% of your sales)

    3. Create a brand identity so powerful, you start to create a fan following of loyal customers

    But here’s the catch! This opportunity is extremely limited because of the intense one-on-one time needed in order to get you the results( I also have to run my own 7-figure business).

    CTA
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2018
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  11. ChrisV
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    Cool.. this is a good idea. Thanks for doing this +Rep.
     
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  12. DennisDuty
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    [EDIT]
    Deleted the post.
    I hadn't realized my client's name was in the screenshot.
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2018
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  13. Lex DeVille
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    Headline
    This needs work. It's too bland and doesn't incentivize people to read. Maybe add "3 Steps to Turn Your Side Hustle Into..." or "Turn Your Side Hustle Into A 6-Figure Business In Under 30 Days!" Something like that.

    Body
    Most of this reads well. I like the story style. Not sure if Facebook will let you use the curse word. If not I'd replace it with something to describe how hard it is.

    Running a lifestyle business is harder than firing your mom.

    I'm not sure about the "chasing suppliers" line. Does a lifestyle business have suppliers? To me a "lifestyle business" is some kind of location independent program (i.e. coaching). This line might confuse me a little bit if I were in your target audience.

    The line about "If you're anything like I was 10 years ago" is kind of long. How can you shorten this to make it faster? Between this line and the first use of "STOP" it feels wordy.

    The STOP line threw me off.

    I read it as a command to STOP what I'm doing. What I'm doing is reading your copy. ;)

    Instead of using STOP, I'd use "instead of."

    Instead of throwing away money, I do this..
    Instead of running in circles, I do this...
    Instead of _________ I do _______ <-- what you do different

    You get the picture.

    Also your pain points need to be more targeted. Address the problems as they describe them. Using outdated methods and throwing money away are vague. What outdated methods are they using? How are they throwing money away? How is this a problem for them?

    Until you describe their real problems as they think about them you won't be in alignment with their personal reality and you won't hold their attention.

    The next 2 lines talk about retail industry leaders. If you're targeting retail businesses then your headline needs to be reworked. Right now it's not clear that your ad is for people in the retail space.

    Get rid of all of this filler:

    Except for the line about Uber, Mercedes and Uniqlo. Take that line and combine it with the line below:

    In this video, I'll show you some of the best tactics retail leaders use for rapid growth. I know because I work as a marketing consultant for companies like Uber, Mercedes and Uniqlo.

    CTA
    Until this point the general flow was good. When I get to the CTA paragraph it starts to feel spammy. "But here's the catch" sounds like sales jargon. The limited-time offer comes across as fake, and the whole sentence needs to be cleaned up.

    I do like the part where you mentioned running a 7-figure business. Maybe you can focus more on that in your CTA and less on scarcity tactics for a more natural feel.

    In addition to all of this, you might consider split-testing against a very short version to see which style your audience likes best.
     
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  14. SM Switi
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    SM Switi Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass

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    Thanks for doing this @Lex DeVille
    what do you think of this headline variations ? what would you choose and why?
    1-"Master [something] 7X Faster for absolute beginner"
    2-"Master [something] 7 X Faster for absolute beginner"
    3-"Master [something] 7 x Faster for absolute beginner"
    4-"Master [something] 7 times Faster for absolute beginner"
     
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  15. Lex DeVille
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    They're all the same. The last one is the worst.

    I wouldn't choose any of these.

    Since there's no context I can only review them based on technique.

    1. The capitalization doesn't make sense.
    2. "Absolute Beginner" should be capitalized
    3. "beginner" should be "beginners" with an s
    4. 7X faster than what?

    There's an important copywriting lesson in your post.

    That lesson is..

    Audience is EVERYTHING.

    You have to know your audience first, like the back of your hand.

    Template headlines don't magically grab attention.

    But if your audience specifically wants a 7X faster solution, then it doesn't matter which one you use. They'll all work regardless of spelling and grammar because they speak directly to that audience.

    In any other context they'll all fall flat.
     
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  16. SM Switi
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    You're right, awesome!

    you got me concerned more than ever. I might reconsider the whole ad!

    The context is a website ad that teaches specific programming language
    so you can think of the header as something that goes like this :
    "Master [JavaScript for example] 7X Faster for Absolute Beginners"
     
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  17. Shinebabe
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    Thanks for doing this Lex.
     
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    HackVenture Digital Marketer, Crypto Guy Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass Summit Attendee

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    Wow thanks for doing this Lex!

    I threw up this page quite awhile back but haven't got around to improving on it properly etc: DailyChallenge.online | Earn Rewards for Completing Daily Challenges

    I'm personally taking the challenge myself on steemit but have neglected on improving the "sales copy" which I really should because the next phase of this project would be buying traffic on FB but I haven't moved forward because I know there's just so much to work on.

    Your input would be a great booster, need to iron things out and move forward!

    Appreciate any help in advance!
     
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  19. Sebastya
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    Hey @Lex DeVille if you're still doing this, what do you think of my landing page copy?
     
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  20. Lex DeVille
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    HEADLINE
    Good direct-response style headline. The word, "forces" might put some people off. It's good for DR style, but ultimately isn't true (which is revealed a few lines down). To makes this stronger, consider mentioning the niche you're targeting.

    Direct Targeting:
    "Revolutionary Social Experiment FORCES Goth Soccer Moms to Accomplish Your Goals While Earning Rewards Along The Way!"

    Even-If Targeting:
    "Revolutionary Social Experiment FORCES You to Accomplish Your Goals While Earning Rewards Along The Way!
    (even if you're a Goth Soccer Mom who hates setting goals)"

    BODY

    The layout is nice and the copy reads well.

    In this section I like that you started with a question that reflects their problem. The next two lines seem like space-filler. These may need to be re-focused around the core issue. Maybe add deepeners..

    Are you frustrated with not hitting your goals?

    Feel like a failure?

    Like you always quit too soon?

    In the 4th line you end with "effectively" but if you want to effectively create an open loop then you should end on the word "UNLESS" to keep them hanging until the next line.

    In this section I don't get why it mentions the Daily Challenge already. It takes me out of the flow of the copy. I'd probably write it like this,

    "But what if there was a social experiment designed to work..."

    Then you'd add an element of mystery to help carry them forward.

    For the line that says, "as you must be aware by now." -- This should be "you are probably aware" so they don't feel stupid if they weren't aware, and they don't feel like you're dominating them too much if they were aware.

    If you remove the Daily Challenge from the other section, then you'll need a bridge in this section at the beginning. Something like, "And that's where the Daily Challenge comes in. By participating in the..."

    Overall I really like this section. It makes it really clear how you solve the problem. One thing to watch out for is passive language.
    • By participating = When you join
    • You are committing to performing = you commit to perform
    • Only then are you allowed to choose = Only then you can choose
    • By making public the proof = Public proof let's the world see how well you did
    • Increases your rate of success = increases success rates
    Changes like that will help it read faster and more direct.

    The first line of this section feels SUPER spammy. Copywriters use it all the time. Sometimes they do it as a sales tactic. Other times they do it to make fun of the tactic. In both cases it's really annoying.

    I like the use of the targeted word "pressure" in the second line. The word, "PLUS" could go on its own line to break up the copy and create an open loop to the next line.

    The first line has a slow, spammy opener. It doesn't need the words, "I know" because you could say, "Now you might be thinking..."

    "etc etc." shouldn't be used at all because it indicates you don't have anything valuable to say there. The word, "Look" needs to be deleted. Nice job interrupting their thought pattern on the last "or." It creates a strong, covert open-loop.

    Again watch for passive language..

    • So seriously, make it a point = So start today!
    • It's not going to = It won't take you 10 minutes
    • But the momentum is going to = Then momentum propels you
    This section mostly feels like filler. The questions are fine, but how could you clean up the rambling in between? It gets pretty confusing.

    "You goal isn't" should be "Your goal..."

    Good transition line.

    The link should be removed since it distracts from the objective (to get an opt-in) and takes them off of the page. Would be better to list the instructions in the flow of the copy.

    Replace "something would light up" and, "you would have," with "will" so it's more future oriented and assumes what's to come when they do this.

    This section breaks flow because it doesn't make sense. We were talking about challenges and goals. Now we're talking about trees. A different transition line and a comparison might be better.

    "Look..

    Success is like a tree.

    You plant a seed. It sprouts over time.

    No seed, no sprout..

    No sprout, no tree..

    And trees and success always start with action.

    So take action..

    Join the Daily Challenge and plant the seeds of your success today!"

    CTA

    You might consider delivering sign up instructions automatically after opt-in. That way they have a real reason to give you their email. The only action to take on this page should be to opt-in.
     
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  21. HackVenture
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    HackVenture Digital Marketer, Crypto Guy Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass Summit Attendee

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    Thanks for the detailed response man!

    I guess one of the issues I am very concerned with is how clear the instructions are.

    What I tried to do is to make the CTA go to the instructions page.

    You are saying I should try to drive opt-ins with CTA and then explain afterwards?

    What do you think of my instructions page?

    Is it clear enough?
     
  22. Lex DeVille
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    Lex DeVille CAUTION! I hurt people's feelings... Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass LEGENDARY CONTRIBUTOR

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    The instructions seem clear to me.

    Each page should have one goal. People take the path they're given. If you give them choices it disrupts the funnel's flow.

    Imagine putting oil in your car with a funnel with 2 outlets in different directions. Best case you lose half your oil. Even if the other outlet flows back into the first, why extend the path to get the oil in the car?

    It's the difference between a maze and a straight line. One more way to remove obstacles between your prospect and a sale.

    If I were doing this I would want the email first. Then deliver instructions. But you could also try the reverse. Send them to the instruction page first and from that page let them opt-in.
     
  23. Lex DeVille
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    Lex DeVille CAUTION! I hurt people's feelings... Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass LEGENDARY CONTRIBUTOR

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    @Sebastya

    HEADLINE
    Since the landing page is also the website I'll analyse the headline based on that context. Basically there is no headline. It's just the name of your site. SEO101 implies this is a beginner course of some sort, but it could just as easily be a blog or a video series, or a Facebook group. So one question to consider is how do people know this is what they're looking for?

    At the very least this headline needs to give us more to go on. Maybe a subheadline that explains what this is and why we're even on the page. Is this for corporate executives? Is it for freelancers? Is it a course? How do I know if I'm the right person to read this page?

    BODY
    The opening sentence is really long and doesn't make sense to me. What is 3-22x ROI? I do like that it kind of starts with a story. Are CEOs your target market? If so, and if the 3-22 thing makes sense to them, then you might have their attention. If business owners are your target market, then this language might not connect.

    Another super long line. How can you shorten it?

    If this is SEO101 and I'm a business owner, what does this data mean to me? I'm a beginner. I may not even know what SEO is. So this might need to be more clear. I would cut the part about, "The data supports the claim:" and start with the word, "Between" then go on to explain what that info means to the reader.

    How can you shorten this? Also, this could put their attention on the fact other business owners are reluctant to invest. If other smart business people are reluctant maybe they should be too. It's a thought seed you don't want to plant. Maybe they weren't reluctant before.


    I like that you're describing some of the pain points. You might consider reframing these as questions. Then it wouldn't be about some third-party. It would be more personal.

    - Do you find it hard to find legit SEO companies?
    - Have you been burned by others before?
    - Not sure if SEO can even help you?

    Speaking about other companies (they, them, they're, a decision maker etc.) depersonalizes the copy for your reader. You want this to be about them.

    This sentence feels really long. Cut it down to size. Shorter sentence. Less syllable words.

    Like hiring mechanics, it's hard to know who to trust. Who cares about you? Who just wants a quick buck?

    Good start to this sentence. Short and sweet. I like that it positions you as working together.

    The second sentence creates a picture of throw up in the mind. Not a pleasant experience. It also talks about things being doctored and fabricated. By saying those words you show that it's something you've considered. How do they know they can trust someone who talks about doctoring and fabricating certifications even if your intent is to say you don't do that? Those aren't even thoughts in an honest and trustworthy person's mind. ;)

    The third paragraph is a super long sentence. Again, cut it down to size. In this line you've mentioned how you can't guarantee results. As a potential customer, I want someone who CAN get results and this might plant a seed of doubt. It's fine if you don't guarantee results, but that might be a conversation that's better left for the sales call.

    The words, "Our solution" should either be on a separate line or should be a subheading. Replace the word "fee" with something like "rate" or "installment." Get rid of the command to "Cancel anytime" -- it might lead them to cancel right now by bouncing from the page.

    The second paragraph has a hidden command, "you are unhappy with our service." The mind skips right over the word "if" and hangs onto the command. For the refund, it might be worth mentioning it's a no-questions-asked refund. That way they know there's no red tape.

    #winning doesn't make sense to me. It goes back to your targeting. Are you targeting corporate executives, professional business owners, small businesses, entrepreneurs? Entrepreneurs might be cool with millennial slang, but most professionals won't be, and it won't make your business look pro to them.

    Same goes for the last paragraph of this section.

    In the first line you get them thinking about hiring a Junior intern. Maybe they weren't considering that before. That's why they're still on your page. But now they know they have other options to explore before taking any steps with you.

    I like the breakdown of benefits. It would look nicer if they were indented. Some of the benefits have negatives. For instance, the last one literally tells them to "choose to terminate the relationship" and "we are not providing the ROI you have expected" and "we don't deserve more of your business."

    You ought to avoid negatives like this because they form the bigger picture of how the reader experiences your brand.

    This line reinforces the fact you can't guarantee results. That's a horrible thing to say, especially right before asking them to trust you by taking the next step.

    The truth is you CAN guarantee results. No matter what you do you will get a result. May not always be the result they want, but you do your best with what you're given.

    Get rid of the line about "what do you really have to lose?" -- It makes them stop and really consider how much they have to lose by working with a company that doesn't believe in themselves enough to guarantee results, talks about slick sales tactics and fabricating documents etc. What else could you say here to lead into your CTA?

    CTA
    Good clear instruction.

    OVERVIEW
    The primary improvements for me are:
    • Getting more clear with targeting
    • Making paragraphs and sentences shorter and more direct
    • Using a consistent voice across the copy (professional or casual not both)
    • Avoiding negative language and commands
    • Positioning the copy so it's more personal with the word "you" instead of "them" or "they"
    I can feel your voice behind the words. The improvements above will help you get more clear and targeted. That should help you get better results.
     
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  24. Shinebabe
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    @LexDeville, what do you think of this copy?

    "You have become a subject of gossip because another business failed in your hands.
    You are beginning to ask yourself if you have bad destiny, cursed hands or being remotely controlled by some forces that doesn't want you to succeed.
    Why not take this QUIZ and let's find out what your star says."

    Thanks Lex
     
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  25. Sebastya
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    Sebastya Bronze Contributor

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    Thanks @Lex DeVille

    I made the adjustments you suggested. Appreciate it!
     
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