The Entrepreneur Forum | Startups | Entrepreneurship | Starting a Business | Motivation | Success

Free Copywriting Reviews - Click Here

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
Someone asked for a copy review. Thought we'd give it a shot. If you're learning copywriting, and you want my thoughts, reply. I'll write something up, and post it in this thread.

It's risky of course. You'll have to put yourself out there. But you'll get my feedback. Just don't send 4,000 word sales pages. I'll review within reason. Limit 1 piece per person. The first one is below:

Hey Lex!
I am just starting out with my web design side hustle and I know you are great at writing copy. I was wondering if you could give me some feedback on my cold email templates that I am currently sending out.

I don't want to bother you, but if you found a few minutes of your time to read this and give me some feedback, it would mean a lot to me.


From what I learned on this forum, it is important to:
  • keep it short and simple
  • ask specific questions
  • not sell in the email
  • make the person interested enough to get him on the phone
Did I miss something?


The templates:

Variant 1 - random business owner:

Hey [ Name ],
I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.

Is everything in your business going well?


Do you have enough well-paying clients?
OR
Would you be interested in larger contracts? (You get the idea...)

I possibly could help you with that. Just hear me out.

Do you have a few minutes to talk?


Variant 2 - for old websites with a good Google rank:
Hello [ Name ],
I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.

You have a great SEO, and your website looks decent, but you could be losing some potential clients there. It would be a pity to have an underperforming website with such a great SEO.

I could help you with that.

Do you have a few minutes to talk?
<-- I was thinking about switching this line with something like: Call me on Monday at 1PM. Here's my number: XXX XXX XXX.

Feel free to criticise the heck out of this. I want to improve.

Thank you in advance!
Looks like cold emails. First let's address the 4 points:

  • keep it short and simple
  • ask specific questions
  • not sell in the email
  • make the person interested enough to get him on the phone

This is a super simplified overview. For the most part they make sense. You're missing at least one point. We'll come back to that.

Also I don't know what subject you're using. The subject is important. People don't read what they don't open. We'll skip it for now.


Variant 1 - random business owner:

Hey [ Name ],
I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.

Is everything in your business going well?


Do you have enough well-paying clients?
OR
Would you be interested in larger contracts? (You get the idea...)

I possibly could help you with that. Just hear me out.

Do you have a few minutes to talk?

Opener - Hey [ Name ],
The opener feels casual, almost like you're old friends. It feels personal, like you wrote it and pushed send. That's good.

Line 1 - I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.
The casual friendliness disappears here. Nothing tells me what this is about. Instead, you focused my attention on wasting my time. I'd stop reading here. You also started with "I" which proves this isn't about a me, but achieving a sale for you.

Line 2 - Is everything in your business going well?
The reader doesn't make it this far. If he did, he still doesn't know what you want. Now you ARE wasting his time. The question isn't specific, it's vague and leads to a closed response.

Line 3 - Do you have enough well-paying clients?
By this line you've made him read 3 lines of nothing. He doesn't know what you want or why you keep asking questions. Why should he keep reading? Now he's annoyed, thinking.. get to the point already, jeez. Also the word "well-paying" sounds salesy.

The alternate line is slightly better, but again, they didn't read that far.

Line 4 - I possibly could help you with that. Just hear me out.
Here you made it about yourself again. You're talking about what you want. You stated you don't know if you can help him or not (the word "possibly"). The words, "just hear me out" are too forceful. You haven't given them a reason to listen to you yet.

Call to Action - Do you have a few minutes to talk?
"No" is the response you won't get. They won't bother with a reply.


We'll stop there.

To make it better don't talk about wasting time. Get to the point faster. Address the problem as they describe it. Start with something other than "I." Make it about them. Only talk about yourself to show what makes you credible. Make your CTA a CTA. Give them an action like, "If interested, reply and we'll schedule a quick call."


Variant 2 - for old websites with a good Google rank:
Hello [ Name ],
I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.

You have a great SEO, and your website looks decent, but you could be losing some potential clients there. It would be a pity to have an underperforming website with such a great SEO.

I could help you with that.

Do you have a few minutes to talk?
<-- I was thinking about switching this line with something like: Call me on Monday at 1PM. Here's my number: XXX XXX XXX.

Opener
This opener is too slow and boring. The one from the other email is better.

Line 1
Same problem as the other email.

Line 2
The words, "You have a great SEO" read funny. It should be "You have great SEO." The line is too long. The word "decent" implies their website isn't bad, but also isn't good. If they built it their self you might offend them. The whole sentence feels like template spam.

Line 3
It's unclear how you could help. Since the website is "decent" they don't need help anyway.

Call to Action
You can switch the line if you want. They won't call you. They're not operating on your schedule. You're interrupting theirs. You have to call them. And you have to do it when it's convenient for them.


Overall this suffers similar problems as the first email. It's not clear what problem you solve. No problem. No solution. No reason to read or respond.

@MikeS

Fix those issues and you'll have a better chance to get them on the phone.
 
Last edited:

Become a Fastlane INSIDER to view the forum ad free.

André G.

Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jul 30, 2017
34
97
126
21
Portugal
Thanks for doing this @Lex DeVille

Here's an example of an email I'm sending right now... What do you think?

"Subject line: [First Name], I have a question...

Hey [First Name],

Read your previous article you did about X [or some other personal/professional subject]

Got interested and wanted to shoot you a message. I write copy for [niche] to help them get [benefit, i.e.: grow their online sales]. I've worked with other businesses such as [...].

Is there someone appropriate to talk to if you work with outside copywriters?
Thanks,
[My first name]"
 
OP
OP
Lex DeVille

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
Thanks for doing this @Lex DeVille

Here's an example of an email I'm sending right now... What do you think?

"Subject line: [First Name], I have a question...

Hey [First Name],

Read your previous article you did about X [or some other personal/professional subject]

Got interested and wanted to shoot you a message. I write copy for [niche] to help them get [benefit, i.e.: grow their online sales]. I've worked with other businesses such as [...].

Is there someone appropriate to talk to if you work with outside copywriters?
Thanks,
[My first name]"
Subject Line
I'd click this to see what it's about and who it's from. Wouldn't recommend "I" in the title. Replacing, "I have a question" with "quick question" will probably have better open rates. Most people will open this as it is though.

Paragraph 1
Good that you didn't start with, "I." This paragraph starts like a pitch to a blog editor. If you're pitching editors it's fine. Be sure to mention a couple points you liked about their article. Otherwise you'll seem fake. If you're not pitching editors this line may need overhauled.

Paragraph 2
This line is pretty typical of a cold email. The first sentence belongs in paragraph 1. The benefits need to be specific. "Grow their online sales" won't get their attention. How do you help them do that? Instead of, "I have worked with...." what if you said, "some of the businesses who hire me include...." Then you might plant a covert thought seed in your words to "hire me."

Paragraph 3
Your subject line and line 1 made the email seem personalized. Then you moved to offering services. Now you're on to information gathering. By this point it's all over the place and not likely to get a response.

Overall
The length is about right. It's a bit "me" focused, but not too bad. The biggest problem is it reads like a mixed bag of email templates. Feels like a rushed relationship too.

Imagine you see an attractive person you want to meet. To break the ice you compliment their sunhat. Then what? Do you say you've had lots of partners? Ask them who you can marry next?

If you want them to give you the time of day, they need to take you seriously. They need to be open to speaking with you. Open to receiving your message. All of that requires a real conversation.

So a better approach might be:

1) Keep the whole email focused on their article.
2) Ask a question about their article.

People become responsive when you show real interest in them. Business is about relationships. Not conversions. They're sitting around waiting for someone to show interest in them. You mention their article, they perk up. Switch topics, they realize it was all a ruse. Another waste of time.

The mindset of this email seems like you want a response so you can get a sale. But you ought to be conscious of the other steps between first contact and closing the deal.
 

GatsbyMag

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
Jun 20, 2016
114
206
162
23
m.youtube.com
Hey @Lex DeVille what do you think of this cold email to an operations director working in a large retail company?

Subject: Lex, [your company name] meets Gatsby Co.

Message:
"
Lex,

The retailers I work with tell me that with the rise of e-commerce, they struggle to create and manage a continuous experience in-store, online, and on mobile to meet the expectations of modern customers.

Bain & Co. recently reported that 90% of retail decision makers already have or are looking to invest in an omnichannel plan. But only 8% believe they've actually been successful in implementing and managing their omnichannel approach!

Gatsby Co. offer a solution that easily works with old and existing systems to provide customers with a consistent retail experience across all channels and touchpoints.

I've helped retailers like [brand1], [brand2], [brand3] and [brand4] to reduce complexity and stress in multi-channel management, optimize growth, customer retention and profitability.

We helped [brand5] achieve:
  • 9.7% point increase in customer satisfaction
  • Increase in sales by 20%
  • Create a new strategy for approaching customers

While I don't know if we are a good fit for your brand, why don't we schedule a 15 minute call to help me learn more about your unique challenges? From there we can decide if it makes sense to set up a deeper conversation. How about next Tuesday at 3:30pm?

Kind regards,
Gatsby
"
 
OP
OP
Lex DeVille

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
Hey @Lex DeVille what do you think of this cold email to an operations director working in a large retail company?

Subject: Lex, [your company name] meets Gatsby Co.

Message:
"
Lex,

The retailers I work with tell me that with the rise of e-commerce, they struggle to create and manage a continuous experience in-store, online, and on mobile to meet the expectations of modern customers.

Bain & Co. recently reported that 90% of retail decision makers already have or are looking to invest in an omnichannel plan. But only 8% believe they've actually been successful in implementing and managing their omnichannel approach!

Gatsby Co. offer a solution that easily works with old and existing systems to provide customers with a consistent retail experience across all channels and touchpoints.

I've helped retailers like [brand1], [brand2], [brand3] and [brand4] to reduce complexity and stress in multi-channel management, optimize growth, customer retention and profitability.

We helped [brand5] achieve:
  • 9.7% point increase in customer satisfaction
  • Increase in sales by 20%
  • Create a new strategy for approaching customers

While I don't know if we are a good fit for your brand, why don't we schedule a 15 minute call to help me learn more about your unique challenges? From there we can decide if it makes sense to set up a deeper conversation. How about next Tuesday at 3:30pm?

Kind regards,
Gatsby
"
Subject
I don't know Gatsby Co. You'd get my attention with my name, and I might click. If you send this to enough people some will open it.

The Email
When I open this I see a wall of text. My eyes glaze over. Doesn't matter that you used my name. The first line is all about you. There's no reason for me to read on.
  • "The retailers" <--- I don't care
  • "I work with" <--- double don't care
  • "tell me" <--- don't care
The first sentence is insanely long. It sounds robotic. How many people have you talked to this week? How many conversations sounded like this, "struggle to create and manage a continuous experience..." wtf does that even mean?

After this it turns into a blog article. You rattle off facts targeted toward nobody (i.e. 90% of retail decision makers) and big words (omnichannel, implementing). It puts me to sleep.

When you talk about what you offer it gets a little clearer. But the very next paragraph starts with, "I've helped" which indicates Gatsby Co. isn't even a company. It's an individual. This creates confusion about who you (or your company) are and what you can actually do.

The bullets should start with your strongest point. A 20% increase in sales is more important than a 9.7% increase in customer satisfaction.

The last paragraph plants a seed of doubt in their mind. You don't know <-- doubt. This paragraph is also the first time you've talked about their challenges at all. They've already decided how they feel about talking with you. Guarantee they're busy next Tuesday at 3:30pm.

Improvements
  • Target it to the exact title/position of your audience
  • Make it more direct. Shorter sentences. Simple words.
  • Don't try to be all-inclusive of every possible scenario (i.e. in store, online and on mobile)
  • Target one specific problem they have and show how you solve it
  • Write like a human not an analyst or robot
  • The CTA should invite them to reply -- not to confirm a call time
Highlight everything in this email that doesn't describe their problem or how you solve it. Delete all that stuff. Focus more on them. Less on you and your credibility.

If you send this email to enough people, you'll eventually get a response. I've seen some cold emails like this do okay on a mass scale.

To me it's just not clear and direct enough. It needs better targeting. Once you take care of the points above you should get better results.
 

GatsbyMag

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
Jun 20, 2016
114
206
162
23
m.youtube.com
Subject
Improvements

  • Target it to the exact title/position of your audience
  • Make it more direct. Shorter sentences. Simple words.
  • Don't try to be all-inclusive of every possible scenario (i.e. in store, online and on mobile)
  • Target one specific problem they have and show how you solve it
  • Write like a human not an analyst or robot
  • The CTA should invite them to reply -- not to confirm a call time
Highlight everything in this email that doesn't describe their problem or how you solve it. Delete all that stuff. Focus more on them. Less on you and your credibility.

If you send this email to enough people, you'll eventually get a response. I've seen some cold emails like this do okay on a mass scale.

To me it's just not clear and direct enough. It needs better targeting. Once you take care of the points above you should get better results.
This is a great review Lex. I want to send this email to a mass number of people within various retail organisations - hence why it's so general. If I were focusing on a c-suite within an enterprise, I'd make the email more targeted. With that said, I'm absolutely going to make all the improvements you suggested. However I'm not sure if I should follow some of the points which I've underlined + highlighted in bold in the quote above - what are your thoughts?

Also, I'm not sure as to how to "write like a human", do you have any resources/examples you could redirect me to or any further advice?

Thank you!
 
OP
OP
Lex DeVille

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
This is a great review Lex. I want to send this email to a mass number of people within various retail organisations - hence why it's so general. If I were focusing on a c-suite within an enterprise, I'd make the email more targeted. With that said, I'm absolutely going to make all the improvements you suggested. However I'm not sure if I should follow some of the points which I've underlined + highlighted in bold in the quote above - what are your thoughts?

Also, I'm not sure as to how to "write like a human", do you have any resources/examples you could redirect me to or any further advice?

Thank you!
Are you offering your services as an individual? If so, what's the purpose in mass emailing when you can't work with all of the people you contact?

In regards to the underlined stuff, I mentioned above if you send this to enough people you'll eventually get a response.

To write like a human just means to consider how you talk to real people. When I talk to people I just talk to them, like a person. Those long, multi-syllable words make it seem like the reader is talking to a robot. boop bee boop boop beep boop boop.
 

GatsbyMag

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
Jun 20, 2016
114
206
162
23
m.youtube.com
Are you offering your services as an individual? If so, what's the purpose in mass emailing when you can't work with all of the people you contact?

In regards to the underlined stuff, I mentioned above if you send this to enough people you'll eventually get a response.

To write like a human just means to consider how you talk to real people. When I talk to people I just talk to them, like a person. Those long, multi-syllable words make it seem like the reader is talking to a robot. boop bee boop boop beep boop boop.
I'm offering my service as a company. I've got a team, I just wanted to make it more personable by speaking as an individual.

I've made your suggested edits and I'll keep you updated on what worked. Thanks.
 

vshetty.vs

Bronze Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Sep 11, 2014
66
131
138
Pune
Hey lex,

Thanks a lot for doing this. What do you think of this facebook ad I wrote for a client of mine.

Some background info: my client is offering to teach other lifestyle brands how they can attract customers

The goal of the Facebook ad is to drive traffic to his free video and collect leads

THE COPY

HEADLINE: Turn your side hustle into a full-time business

BODY:
Running a lifestyle business on the side is fu*cking difficult. You are so busy chasing suppliers and managing expenses that you have no time to grow your sales.

If you are anything like I was ten years ago there’s a nagging feeling you have that something is holding you back from making more out of this.

You love what you do on a day to day basis but what’s the end game?

Do you want to be stuck working 60-hours a week getting subpar results for the rest of your life?

If you answered no, then you need to STOP.

Stop what you are doing. STOP using outdated methods that don’t work. STOP throwing your money away.

In this video, I talk about some of the biggest tactics retail industry leaders use to separate themselves from the chumps.

The techniques I’ll teach you here have been used by me personally to create one of the biggest retail business in Australia.

Honest Advice from someone who’s been there, done that

I’m am not some self-important “guru” whose primary business is selling information on running a lifestyle business instead of actually owning one.

I have started one of the biggest retail stores in Australia. In my free time, I work as a marketing consultant to companies like Uber, Mercedes and Uniqlo.

But you don’t care about me and my story. You care about quitting your corporate 9-5 job and working on your business full-time. This is exactly what my “XXX” Method can do for you.

You are going to learn how you can

  1. Grow your retail business without hiring a huge marketing team

  2. Identify your target customers(the ones who bring in 90% of your sales)

  3. Create a brand identity so powerful, you start to create a fan following of loyal customers

But here’s the catch! This opportunity is extremely limited because of the intense one-on-one time needed in order to get you the results( I also have to run my own 7-figure business).

CTA
 
Last edited:

Become a Fastlane INSIDER to view the forum ad free.

OP
OP
Lex DeVille

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
THE COPY

HEADLINE: Turn your side hustle into a full-time business

BODY:
Running a lifestyle business on the side is fu*cking difficult. You are so busy chasing suppliers and managing expenses that you have no time to grow your sales.

If you are anything like I was ten years ago there’s a nagging feeling you have that something is holding you back from making more out of this.

You love what you do on a day to day basis but what’s the end game?

Do you want to be stuck working 60-hours a week getting subpar results for the rest of your life?

If you answered no, then you need to STOP.

Stop what you are doing. STOP using outdated methods that don’t work. STOP throwing your money away.

In this video, I talk about some of the biggest tactics retail industry leaders use to separate themselves from the chumps.

The techniques I’ll teach you here have been used by me personally to create one of the biggest retail business in Australia.

Honest Advice from someone who’s been there, done that

I’m am not some self-important “guru” whose primary business is selling information on running a lifestyle business instead of actually owning one.

I have started one of the biggest retail stores in Australia. In my free time, I work as a marketing consultant to companies like Uber, Mercedes and Uniqlo.

But you don’t care about me and my story. You care about quitting your corporate 9-5 job and working on your business full-time. This is exactly what my “XXX” Method can do for you.

You are going to learn how you can

  1. Grow your retail business without hiring a huge marketing team

  2. Identify your target customers(the ones who bring in 90% of your sales)

  3. Create a brand identity so powerful, you start to create a fan following of loyal customers

But here’s the catch! This opportunity is extremely limited because of the intense one-on-one time needed in order to get you the results( I also have to run my own 7-figure business).
Headline
This needs work. It's too bland and doesn't incentivize people to read. Maybe add "3 Steps to Turn Your Side Hustle Into..." or "Turn Your Side Hustle Into A 6-Figure Business In Under 30 Days!" Something like that.

Body
Most of this reads well. I like the story style. Not sure if Facebook will let you use the curse word. If not I'd replace it with something to describe how hard it is.

Running a lifestyle business is harder than firing your mom.

I'm not sure about the "chasing suppliers" line. Does a lifestyle business have suppliers? To me a "lifestyle business" is some kind of location independent program (i.e. coaching). This line might confuse me a little bit if I were in your target audience.

The line about "If you're anything like I was 10 years ago" is kind of long. How can you shorten this to make it faster? Between this line and the first use of "STOP" it feels wordy.

The STOP line threw me off.

I read it as a command to STOP what I'm doing. What I'm doing is reading your copy. ;)

Instead of using STOP, I'd use "instead of."

Instead of throwing away money, I do this..
Instead of running in circles, I do this...
Instead of _________ I do _______ <-- what you do different

You get the picture.

Also your pain points need to be more targeted. Address the problems as they describe them. Using outdated methods and throwing money away are vague. What outdated methods are they using? How are they throwing money away? How is this a problem for them?

Until you describe their real problems as they think about them you won't be in alignment with their personal reality and you won't hold their attention.

The next 2 lines talk about retail industry leaders. If you're targeting retail businesses then your headline needs to be reworked. Right now it's not clear that your ad is for people in the retail space.

Get rid of all of this filler:

Honest Advice from someone who’s been there, done that

I’m am not some self-important “guru” whose primary business is selling information on running a lifestyle business instead of actually owning one.

I have started one of the biggest retail stores in Australia. In my free time, I work as a marketing consultant to companies like Uber, Mercedes and Uniqlo.

But you don’t care about me and my story. You care about quitting your corporate 9-5 job and working on your business full-time. This is exactly what my “XXX” Method can do for you.
Except for the line about Uber, Mercedes and Uniqlo. Take that line and combine it with the line below:

In this video, I talk about some of the biggest tactics retail industry leaders use to separate themselves from the chumps.
In this video, I'll show you some of the best tactics retail leaders use for rapid growth. I know because I work as a marketing consultant for companies like Uber, Mercedes and Uniqlo.

CTA
Until this point the general flow was good. When I get to the CTA paragraph it starts to feel spammy. "But here's the catch" sounds like sales jargon. The limited-time offer comes across as fake, and the whole sentence needs to be cleaned up.

I do like the part where you mentioned running a 7-figure business. Maybe you can focus more on that in your CTA and less on scarcity tactics for a more natural feel.

In addition to all of this, you might consider split-testing against a very short version to see which style your audience likes best.
 

SM Switi

Bronze Contributor
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jul 11, 2017
93
160
149
Thanks for doing this @Lex DeVille
what do you think of this headline variations ? what would you choose and why?
1-"Master [something] 7X Faster for absolute beginner"
2-"Master [something] 7 X Faster for absolute beginner"
3-"Master [something] 7 x Faster for absolute beginner"
4-"Master [something] 7 times Faster for absolute beginner"
 
OP
OP
Lex DeVille

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
Thanks for doing this @Lex DeVille
what do you think of this headline variations ? what would you choose and why?
1-"Master [something] 7X Faster for absolute beginner"
2-"Master [something] 7 X Faster for absolute beginner"
3-"Master [something] 7 x Faster for absolute beginner"
4-"Master [something] 7 times Faster for absolute beginner"
They're all the same. The last one is the worst.

I wouldn't choose any of these.

Since there's no context I can only review them based on technique.

  1. The capitalization doesn't make sense.
  2. "Absolute Beginner" should be capitalized
  3. "beginner" should be "beginners" with an s
  4. 7X faster than what?

There's an important copywriting lesson in your post.

That lesson is..

Audience is EVERYTHING.

You have to know your audience first, like the back of your hand.

Template headlines don't magically grab attention.

But if your audience specifically wants a 7X faster solution, then it doesn't matter which one you use. They'll all work regardless of spelling and grammar because they speak directly to that audience.

In any other context they'll all fall flat.
 

SM Switi

Bronze Contributor
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jul 11, 2017
93
160
149
Audience is EVERYTHING.
You're right, awesome!

In any other context they'll all fall flat.
you got me concerned more than ever. I might reconsider the whole ad!

The context is a website ad that teaches specific programming language
so you can think of the header as something that goes like this :
"Master [JavaScript for example] 7X Faster for Absolute Beginners"
 

Shinebabe

Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
Oct 23, 2017
19
28
29
Thanks for doing this Lex.
Someone asked for a copy review. Thought we'd give it a shot. If you're learning copywriting, and you want my thoughts, reply. I'll write something up, and post it in this thread.

It's risky of course. You'll have to put yourself out there. But you'll get my feedback. Just don't send 4,000 word sales pages. I'll review within reason. Limit 1 piece per person.
 

HackVenture

Digital Marketer, Crypto Guy
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Summit Attendee
Speedway Pass
Mar 11, 2011
332
469
236
Planet Earth
Wow thanks for doing this Lex!

I threw up this page quite awhile back but haven't got around to improving on it properly etc: DailyChallenge.online | Earn Rewards for Completing Daily Challenges

I'm personally taking the challenge myself on steemit but have neglected on improving the "sales copy" which I really should because the next phase of this project would be buying traffic on FB but I haven't moved forward because I know there's just so much to work on.

Your input would be a great booster, need to iron things out and move forward!

Appreciate any help in advance!
 
OP
OP
Lex DeVille

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
Wow thanks for doing this Lex!

I threw up this page quite awhile back but haven't got around to improving on it properly etc: DailyChallenge.online | Earn Rewards for Completing Daily Challenges

I'm personally taking the challenge myself on steemit but have neglected on improving the "sales copy" which I really should because the next phase of this project would be buying traffic on FB but I haven't moved forward because I know there's just so much to work on.

Your input would be a great booster, need to iron things out and move forward!

Appreciate any help in advance!
HEADLINE
Good direct-response style headline. The word, "forces" might put some people off. It's good for DR style, but ultimately isn't true (which is revealed a few lines down). To makes this stronger, consider mentioning the niche you're targeting.

Direct Targeting:
"Revolutionary Social Experiment FORCES Goth Soccer Moms to Accomplish Your Goals While Earning Rewards Along The Way!"

Even-If Targeting:
"Revolutionary Social Experiment FORCES You to Accomplish Your Goals While Earning Rewards Along The Way!
(even if you're a Goth Soccer Mom who hates setting goals)"

BODY

The layout is nice and the copy reads well.

Are you frustrated with not hitting your goals?

I hear you.

And it's not your fault.

There are just too many distractions in modern life for one to function effectively..

UNLESS you make a commitment to be CONSCIOUS of your habits instead of letting your monkey brain do whatever it desires.
In this section I like that you started with a question that reflects their problem. The next two lines seem like space-filler. These may need to be re-focused around the core issue. Maybe add deepeners..

Are you frustrated with not hitting your goals?

Feel like a failure?

Like you always quit too soon?

In the 4th line you end with "effectively" but if you want to effectively create an open loop then you should end on the word "UNLESS" to keep them hanging until the next line.

The Daily Challenge is a social experiment designed to work with human tendencies to BUILD habits incorporating highly effective principles.

Notice I said..

To BUILD habits.

Yes, habits need to be BUILT.

They do not happen by chance, as you must be aware by now.

To build a habit, you need to strengthen your muscle memory to execute a certain set of tasks automatically without fail, every single day.
In this section I don't get why it mentions the Daily Challenge already. It takes me out of the flow of the copy. I'd probably write it like this,

"But what if there was a social experiment designed to work..."

Then you'd add an element of mystery to help carry them forward.

For the line that says, "as you must be aware by now." -- This should be "you are probably aware" so they don't feel stupid if they weren't aware, and they don't feel like you're dominating them too much if they were aware.

By participating in the Daily Challenge, you are committing to performing ONE task everyday, repeatedly, without fail, until it becomes a habit.

Only then are you allowed to choose another challenge.

By making public the proof of whether you have executed your Daily Challenge, fellow challengers are able to see if you did or did not follow through.

This in-built accountability increases your rate of success by up to a whooping 95%!
If you remove the Daily Challenge from the other section, then you'll need a bridge in this section at the beginning. Something like, "And that's where the Daily Challenge comes in. By participating in the..."

Overall I really like this section. It makes it really clear how you solve the problem. One thing to watch out for is passive language.
  • By participating = When you join
  • You are committing to performing = you commit to perform
  • Only then are you allowed to choose = Only then you can choose
  • By making public the proof = Public proof let's the world see how well you did
  • Increases your rate of success = increases success rates
Changes like that will help it read faster and more direct.

But wait, there's more!

Not only does the social factor pressure you into performing your Daily Challenge and sharing it with your peers..

You also get a dopamine rush when you get "upvotes" on your accountability posts..

PLUS the "upvotes" that you receive are actually worth tangible value, in the form of something called "Steem Dollars"!

Backed by scientific habit building principles, the Daily Challenge system is GUARANTEED to help you improve as a human being as long as you are willing to put in that teeny weeny effort to get started.
The first line of this section feels SUPER spammy. Copywriters use it all the time. Sometimes they do it as a sales tactic. Other times they do it to make fun of the tactic. In both cases it's really annoying.

I like the use of the targeted word "pressure" in the second line. The word, "PLUS" could go on its own line to break up the copy and create an open loop to the next line.

I know what's probably going through your mind right now.

"I'll do this 'some other time', probably when I have 'less stuff' on my plate." etc etc

Look.

Or..

"I need some time to think of the challenge I want to tackle"

Or..

Honestly I can think of a bunch of other reasons for ya.

That's exactly why you're not hitting your goals!

There are simply too many possible reasons in life.

So seriously, make it a point to GET STARTED today.

It's not going to take you more than 10 minutes to get started but the momentum is going to HIGHLY improve the odds of you hitting your goals.
The first line has a slow, spammy opener. It doesn't need the words, "I know" because you could say, "Now you might be thinking..."

"etc etc." shouldn't be used at all because it indicates you don't have anything valuable to say there. The word, "Look" needs to be deleted. Nice job interrupting their thought pattern on the last "or." It creates a strong, covert open-loop.

Again watch for passive language..

  • So seriously, make it a point = So start today!
  • It's not going to = It won't take you 10 minutes
  • But the momentum is going to = Then momentum propels you
What if your goals are really too scary and and you're afraid that you would fail to keep to your Daily Challenges?

Then you're doing something right.

If you goal isn't slightly scary, you're being too conservative.

What if you're on the other end of the spectrum?

What if, instead of having too many and too scary goals..

You instead can't think of a challenge you would like to tackle?

The curt answer is, if you take your specific choice of challenge too seriously..

You've missed the point.

The point is to make a decision, choose SOMETHING..

Anything..

And do it.

Build that habit-building muscle.
This section mostly feels like filler. The questions are fine, but how could you clean up the rambling in between? It gets pretty confusing.

"You goal isn't" should be "Your goal..."

But I tell you what..

If you really can't think of a specific challenge to take on right now, go meta and make it your challenge.. To take on the challenge.

Serious. Go ahead, follow the instructions HERE and start your first challenge:

"To commit to the daily challenge everyday"

Build that muscle memory and I guarantee that if you stick with it, something would light up in your mind and you would have your second "real" challenge in less than a week.
Good transition line.

The link should be removed since it distracts from the objective (to get an opt-in) and takes them off of the page. Would be better to list the instructions in the flow of the copy.

Replace "something would light up" and, "you would have," with "will" so it's more future oriented and assumes what's to come when they do this.

Remember..

The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago.

The second best time?

Today.

Wait no further.

Follow the instructions HERE and begin your Daily Challenge today.

I'm rooting for you.
This section breaks flow because it doesn't make sense. We were talking about challenges and goals. Now we're talking about trees. A different transition line and a comparison might be better.

"Look..

Success is like a tree.

You plant a seed. It sprouts over time.

No seed, no sprout..

No sprout, no tree..

And trees and success always start with action.

So take action..

Join the Daily Challenge and plant the seeds of your success today!"

CTA

You might consider delivering sign up instructions automatically after opt-in. That way they have a real reason to give you their email. The only action to take on this page should be to opt-in.
 

Become a Fastlane INSIDER to view the forum ad free.

HackVenture

Digital Marketer, Crypto Guy
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Summit Attendee
Speedway Pass
Mar 11, 2011
332
469
236
Planet Earth
HEADLINE
Good direct-response style headline. The word, "forces" might put some people off. It's good for DR style, but ultimately isn't true (which is revealed a few lines down). To makes this stronger, consider mentioning the niche you're targeting.

Direct Targeting:
"Revolutionary Social Experiment FORCES Goth Soccer Moms to Accomplish Your Goals While Earning Rewards Along The Way!"

Even-If Targeting:
"Revolutionary Social Experiment FORCES You to Accomplish Your Goals While Earning Rewards Along The Way!
(even if you're a Goth Soccer Mom who hates setting goals)"

BODY

The layout is nice and the copy reads well.



In this section I like that you started with a question that reflects their problem. The next two lines seem like space-filler. These may need to be re-focused around the core issue. Maybe add deepeners..

Are you frustrated with not hitting your goals?

Feel like a failure?

Like you always quit too soon?

In the 4th line you end with "effectively" but if you want to effectively create an open loop then you should end on the word "UNLESS" to keep them hanging until the next line.



In this section I don't get why it mentions the Daily Challenge already. It takes me out of the flow of the copy. I'd probably write it like this,

"But what if there was a social experiment designed to work..."

Then you'd add an element of mystery to help carry them forward.

For the line that says, "as you must be aware by now." -- This should be "you are probably aware" so they don't feel stupid if they weren't aware, and they don't feel like you're dominating them too much if they were aware.



If you remove the Daily Challenge from the other section, then you'll need a bridge in this section at the beginning. Something like, "And that's where the Daily Challenge comes in. By participating in the..."

Overall I really like this section. It makes it really clear how you solve the problem. One thing to watch out for is passive language.
  • By participating = When you join
  • You are committing to performing = you commit to perform
  • Only then are you allowed to choose = Only then you can choose
  • By making public the proof = Public proof let's the world see how well you did
  • Increases your rate of success = increases success rates
Changes like that will help it read faster and more direct.



The first line of this section feels SUPER spammy. Copywriters use it all the time. Sometimes they do it as a sales tactic. Other times they do it to make fun of the tactic. In both cases it's really annoying.

I like the use of the targeted word "pressure" in the second line. The word, "PLUS" could go on its own line to break up the copy and create an open loop to the next line.



The first line has a slow, spammy opener. It doesn't need the words, "I know" because you could say, "Now you might be thinking..."

"etc etc." shouldn't be used at all because it indicates you don't have anything valuable to say there. The word, "Look" needs to be deleted. Nice job interrupting their thought pattern on the last "or." It creates a strong, covert open-loop.

Again watch for passive language..

  • So seriously, make it a point = So start today!
  • It's not going to = It won't take you 10 minutes
  • But the momentum is going to = Then momentum propels you


This section mostly feels like filler. The questions are fine, but how could you clean up the rambling in between? It gets pretty confusing.

"You goal isn't" should be "Your goal..."



Good transition line.

The link should be removed since it distracts from the objective (to get an opt-in) and takes them off of the page. Would be better to list the instructions in the flow of the copy.

Replace "something would light up" and, "you would have," with "will" so it's more future oriented and assumes what's to come when they do this.



This section breaks flow because it doesn't make sense. We were talking about challenges and goals. Now we're talking about trees. A different transition line and a comparison might be better.

"Look..

Success is like a tree.

You plant a seed. It sprouts over time.

No seed, no sprout..

No sprout, no tree..

And trees and success always start with action.

So take action..

Join the Daily Challenge and plant the seeds of your success today!"

CTA

You might consider delivering sign up instructions automatically after opt-in. That way they have a real reason to give you their email. The only action to take on this page should be to opt-in.
Thanks for the detailed response man!

I guess one of the issues I am very concerned with is how clear the instructions are.

What I tried to do is to make the CTA go to the instructions page.

You are saying I should try to drive opt-ins with CTA and then explain afterwards?

What do you think of my instructions page?

Is it clear enough?
 
OP
OP
Lex DeVille

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
Thanks for the detailed response man!

I guess one of the issues I am very concerned with is how clear the instructions are.

What I tried to do is to make the CTA go to the instructions page.

You are saying I should try to drive opt-ins with CTA and then explain afterwards?

What do you think of my instructions page?

Is it clear enough?
The instructions seem clear to me.

Each page should have one goal. People take the path they're given. If you give them choices it disrupts the funnel's flow.

Imagine putting oil in your car with a funnel with 2 outlets in different directions. Best case you lose half your oil. Even if the other outlet flows back into the first, why extend the path to get the oil in the car?

It's the difference between a maze and a straight line. One more way to remove obstacles between your prospect and a sale.

If I were doing this I would want the email first. Then deliver instructions. But you could also try the reverse. Send them to the instruction page first and from that page let them opt-in.
 
OP
OP
Lex DeVille

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
@Sebastya

If you asked any CEO if they would like to make 3-22x ROI on any marketing channel, they would all say “YES PLEASE!”

Search engine optimization is a marketing channel that has, is, and will continue to be one of the greatest (if not THE greatest) channels to invest in for any size business in any particular field.

The data supports the claim: Between 40–60 billion searches happen on Google.com in the US each month.



With that in mind, why are so many business owners reluctant to invest in SEO?


Usually it boils down to 3 things:

  • They can’t tell the difference between a legitimate SEO company and an unreliable one.
  • They’ve been burned before by another SEO agency.
  • They don’t see the value in SEO & what it can do for their business.

In other words, it’s hard for a decision maker to know which SEO firm they can actually TRUST.

Similar to an auto mechanic, it’s difficult to discern which agency is honest & fair, and which one just wants to take full advantage of their ignorance on the subject matter.

But how do we solve this problem?

We can throw up certification badges, display past client results and publish testimonial after testimonial, but those things are easily doctored and fabricated.

We could try winning you over with slick sales representatives promising you the world and #1 rankings for all of your desired keywords, but we all know nobody can guarantee results when we’re dealing with complex search engines (made up of an algorithm that changes by the day).

Oh shudder!

Our solution is simple: A flat, monthly fee. No contracts or commitments. Cancel anytime.

If you’re ever unhappy with our service, we’ll happily give you a FULL REFUND #winning

That’s it – our elaborate plan to take over the world – good SEO practices coupled with good business ethics :)

Now, you MIGHT be thinking: “Why don’t I just hire a junior intern and have them do my SEO on the cheap?”

Well, let’s break it down.

MORE Experience. A junior has very little experience and could even harm your marketing efforts with wrong code, practice or content. We’ve been doing SEO since 2006, so it’s not our first rodeo.

MORE Availability. We work 7 days on rotation. If you need something done on a Sunday or public holiday, we can do it. If one on our people are sick, another one can take over. You’re never held back in productivity due to illness, holiday or other circumstances.

LESS Cost. You’re going to spend close to $50K a year for this position, taking into consideration insurance, benefits, taxes, etc. Luckily, we’re only a fraction of that cost – our fee is typically in the $1-2K a month range, with no extra/hidden costs.

LESS Politics. Unlike an employee, you can choose to terminate the relationship with no hard feelings on either end. No need for severance. No worries about an unexpected resignation. We understand how business works, so if we are not providing the ROI you have expected, we don’t deserve more of your business.

It’s no secret – we can’t guarantee results, but we can absolutely guarantee complete transparency, effort and integrity.



Ask yourself – what do you really have to lose?


Fill out the form below and let’s talk!
HEADLINE
Since the landing page is also the website I'll analyse the headline based on that context. Basically there is no headline. It's just the name of your site. SEO101 implies this is a beginner course of some sort, but it could just as easily be a blog or a video series, or a Facebook group. So one question to consider is how do people know this is what they're looking for?

At the very least this headline needs to give us more to go on. Maybe a subheadline that explains what this is and why we're even on the page. Is this for corporate executives? Is it for freelancers? Is it a course? How do I know if I'm the right person to read this page?

BODY
The opening sentence is really long and doesn't make sense to me. What is 3-22x ROI? I do like that it kind of starts with a story. Are CEOs your target market? If so, and if the 3-22 thing makes sense to them, then you might have their attention. If business owners are your target market, then this language might not connect.

Search engine optimization is a marketing channel that has, is, and will continue to be one of the greatest (if not THE greatest) channels to invest in for any size business in any particular field.
Another super long line. How can you shorten it?

The data supports the claim: Between 40–60 billion searches happen on Google.com in the US each month.
If this is SEO101 and I'm a business owner, what does this data mean to me? I'm a beginner. I may not even know what SEO is. So this might need to be more clear. I would cut the part about, "The data supports the claim:" and start with the word, "Between" then go on to explain what that info means to the reader.

With that in mind, why are so many business owners reluctant to invest in SEO?
How can you shorten this? Also, this could put their attention on the fact other business owners are reluctant to invest. If other smart business people are reluctant maybe they should be too. It's a thought seed you don't want to plant. Maybe they weren't reluctant before.

Usually it boils down to 3 things:

  • They can’t tell the difference between a legitimate SEO company and an unreliable one.
  • They’ve been burned before by another SEO agency.
  • They don’t see the value in SEO & what it can do for their business.

    In other words, it’s hard for a decision maker to know which SEO firm they can actually TRUST.

I like that you're describing some of the pain points. You might consider reframing these as questions. Then it wouldn't be about some third-party. It would be more personal.

- Do you find it hard to find legit SEO companies?
- Have you been burned by others before?
- Not sure if SEO can even help you?

Speaking about other companies (they, them, they're, a decision maker etc.) depersonalizes the copy for your reader. You want this to be about them.

Similar to an auto mechanic, it’s difficult to discern which agency is honest & fair, and which one just wants to take full advantage of their ignorance on the subject matter.
This sentence feels really long. Cut it down to size. Shorter sentence. Less syllable words.

Like hiring mechanics, it's hard to know who to trust. Who cares about you? Who just wants a quick buck?

But how do we solve this problem?

We can throw up certification badges, display past client results and publish testimonial after testimonial, but those things are easily doctored and fabricated.

We could try winning you over with slick sales representatives promising you the world and #1 rankings for all of your desired keywords, but we all know nobody can guarantee results when we’re dealing with complex search engines (made up of an algorithm that changes by the day).

Oh shudder!
Good start to this sentence. Short and sweet. I like that it positions you as working together.

The second sentence creates a picture of throw up in the mind. Not a pleasant experience. It also talks about things being doctored and fabricated. By saying those words you show that it's something you've considered. How do they know they can trust someone who talks about doctoring and fabricating certifications even if your intent is to say you don't do that? Those aren't even thoughts in an honest and trustworthy person's mind. ;)

The third paragraph is a super long sentence. Again, cut it down to size. In this line you've mentioned how you can't guarantee results. As a potential customer, I want someone who CAN get results and this might plant a seed of doubt. It's fine if you don't guarantee results, but that might be a conversation that's better left for the sales call.

Our solution is simple: A flat, monthly fee. No contracts or commitments. Cancel anytime.

If you’re ever unhappy with our service, we’ll happily give you a FULL REFUND #winning

That’s it – our elaborate plan to take over the world – good SEO practices coupled with good business ethics :)
The words, "Our solution" should either be on a separate line or should be a subheading. Replace the word "fee" with something like "rate" or "installment." Get rid of the command to "Cancel anytime" -- it might lead them to cancel right now by bouncing from the page.

The second paragraph has a hidden command, "you are unhappy with our service." The mind skips right over the word "if" and hangs onto the command. For the refund, it might be worth mentioning it's a no-questions-asked refund. That way they know there's no red tape.

#winning doesn't make sense to me. It goes back to your targeting. Are you targeting corporate executives, professional business owners, small businesses, entrepreneurs? Entrepreneurs might be cool with millennial slang, but most professionals won't be, and it won't make your business look pro to them.

Same goes for the last paragraph of this section.

Now, you MIGHT be thinking: “Why don’t I just hire a junior intern and have them do my SEO on the cheap?”

Well, let’s break it down.

MORE Experience. A junior has very little experience and could even harm your marketing efforts with wrong code, practice or content. We’ve been doing SEO since 2006, so it’s not our first rodeo.

MORE Availability. We work 7 days on rotation. If you need something done on a Sunday or public holiday, we can do it. If one on our people are sick, another one can take over. You’re never held back in productivity due to illness, holiday or other circumstances.

LESS Cost. You’re going to spend close to $50K a year for this position, taking into consideration insurance, benefits, taxes, etc. Luckily, we’re only a fraction of that cost – our fee is typically in the $1-2K a month range, with no extra/hidden costs.

LESS Politics. Unlike an employee, you can choose to terminate the relationship with no hard feelings on either end. No need for severance. No worries about an unexpected resignation. We understand how business works, so if we are not providing the ROI you have expected, we don’t deserve more of your business.
In the first line you get them thinking about hiring a Junior intern. Maybe they weren't considering that before. That's why they're still on your page. But now they know they have other options to explore before taking any steps with you.

I like the breakdown of benefits. It would look nicer if they were indented. Some of the benefits have negatives. For instance, the last one literally tells them to "choose to terminate the relationship" and "we are not providing the ROI you have expected" and "we don't deserve more of your business."

You ought to avoid negatives like this because they form the bigger picture of how the reader experiences your brand.

It’s no secret – we can’t guarantee results, but we can absolutely guarantee complete transparency, effort and integrity.

Ask yourself – what do you really have to lose?

Fill out the form below and let’s talk!
This line reinforces the fact you can't guarantee results. That's a horrible thing to say, especially right before asking them to trust you by taking the next step.

The truth is you CAN guarantee results. No matter what you do you will get a result. May not always be the result they want, but you do your best with what you're given.

Get rid of the line about "what do you really have to lose?" -- It makes them stop and really consider how much they have to lose by working with a company that doesn't believe in themselves enough to guarantee results, talks about slick sales tactics and fabricating documents etc. What else could you say here to lead into your CTA?

CTA
Good clear instruction.

OVERVIEW
The primary improvements for me are:
  • Getting more clear with targeting
  • Making paragraphs and sentences shorter and more direct
  • Using a consistent voice across the copy (professional or casual not both)
  • Avoiding negative language and commands
  • Positioning the copy so it's more personal with the word "you" instead of "them" or "they"
I can feel your voice behind the words. The improvements above will help you get more clear and targeted. That should help you get better results.
 

Shinebabe

Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
Oct 23, 2017
19
28
29
@LexDeville, what do you think of this copy?

"You have become a subject of gossip because another business failed in your hands.
You are beginning to ask yourself if you have bad destiny, cursed hands or being remotely controlled by some forces that doesn't want you to succeed.
Why not take this QUIZ and let's find out what your star says."

Thanks Lex
 
OP
OP
Lex DeVille

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
@LexDeville, what do you think of this copy?

"You have become a subject of gossip because another business failed in your hands.
You are beginning to ask yourself if you have bad destiny, cursed hands or being remotely controlled by some forces that doesn't want you to succeed.
Why not take this QUIZ and let's find out what your star says."

Thanks Lex
Not much to go on with, but I'll review what I can.

First Sentence
There's a good sense of YOU focus. It feels like you're talking to me. Good job. It could possibly be shortened a little, but right now I can feel your voice behind the words. Sometimes it's okay to have longer sentences, or style abnormalities when they make sense for the brand or the writer's personal style.

Second Sentence
This line has both good and bad. On the good side it accurately reflects your reader's pains. It speaks to them with words and phrases they're probably already thinking. The not good part mostly has to do with grammar.

  • "have bad destiny" - a better way to say this might be, "is fate against me?"
  • "cursed hands" - "Do I have cursed hands?"
  • "or being remotely" - Do unseen forces not want me to succeed?
This way breaks it up into several short sentences. It turns statements into questions. Statements are you telling the story. Questions cause the reader to turn inward and reflect on their own situation. Rather than telling a story, you ought to let them experience it for themselves.

Call To Action
Your CTA is okay. It could be more direct. As a question it needs a question mark at the end. If I were writing it, I would do it like this:

Take this QUIZ to find out how your star holds you back.
Take this QUIZ to see what your star says about your future.
 

Shinebabe

Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
Oct 23, 2017
19
28
29
Not much to go on with, but I'll review what I can.

First Sentence
There's a good sense of YOU focus. It feels like you're talking to me. Good job. It could possibly be shortened a little, but right now I can feel your voice behind the words. Sometimes it's okay to have longer sentences, or style abnormalities when they make sense for the brand or the writer's personalTE="Lex DeVille, post: 720717, member: 13831"]Not much to go on with, but I'll review what I can.

First Sentence
There's a good sense of YOU focus. It feels like you're talking to me. Good job. It could possibly be shortened a little, but right now I can feel your voice behind the words. Sometimes it's okay to have longer sentences, or style abnormalities when they make sense for the brand or the writer's personal style.

Second Sentence
This line has both good and bad. On the good side it accurately reflects your reader's pains. It speaks to them with words and phrases they're probably already thinking. The not good part mostly has to do with grammar.

  • "have bad destiny" - a better way to say this might be, "is fate against me?"
  • "cursed hands" - "Do I have cursed hands?"
  • "or being remotely" - Do unseen forces not want me to succeed?
This way breaks it up into several short sentences. It turns statements into questions. Statements are you telling the story. Questions cause the reader to turn inward and reflect on their own situation. Rather than telling a story, you ought to let them experience it for themselves.

Call To Action
Your CTA is okay. It could be more direct. As a question it needs a question mark at the end. If I were writing it, I would do it like this:

Take this QUIZ to find out how your star holds you back.
Take this QUIZ to see what your star says about your future.
Thank you so much Lex.
I'm grateful
 

Xolorr

Bronze Contributor
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jun 4, 2018
94
177
147
20
Cape Town, South Africa
Hey Lex!

Great thread ⚡Would love some input! I feel like my copy is still very "me" centric, but it's slowly getting better with each piece I write. Below is an email I sent out to offer free videos to boutique hotels and luxury accommodation.

Hi *client name*,

From a look at your website, your accommodation looks incredible! I would like to help you show off the beauty of your property in today's digital world and get you more clients!

I am *name*, a young freelance filmmaker and photographer, who is also studying a BBA in marketing management, as well as a nanodegree in digital marketing, and I would like to offer you the opportunity of a free promotional video showcasing your accommodation, which you could then use to market your amazing properties and share with your potential customers. This would be free marketing material which would usually cost tens of thousands (local currency) to hire a filmmaker for and would provide an exponential return on investment.

As I am looking to break into the market of making videos promoting luxury tourism options, I would like to build a solid portfolio of videos from establishments such as yours, and would thus offer you a free video in return for the experience in this particular niche. I would ultimately be aiming to achieve something similar to these videos:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=negni3BiiT4

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3tB7aFoyjY

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLV4lxAfp3g


with a slightly more upbeat vibe, which would be more relevant to the social media landscape of today.

I would only need access to your property for one day to gather enough footage.

It would ultimately need to be sometime before the 28th of September, as I will be leaving for a film project with a resort in Egypt on that day, and will only be back from this trip in November.

Please feel free to reach out at any time if there is anything else you need to know.

My relevant portfolio and social media links are available in my signature below, I look forward to your response!

Kind regards,
 

yyes

Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
Jun 18, 2017
72
73
115
30
Boise Idaho
Lex,

Thank you so much for doing this. I came up with this copy and was wondering if you could provide me some feedback. I tried to follow the advice of John Carlton, Web Copy That Sells, Joe Polish, & the book Cashvertising. Please let me know what I can improve on this. Thank you again for doing this.




Why Allow Me To Clean Your Carpets? Because I Offer You A Risk Free,100% Satisfaction Guarantee Or Your Money Back.

Hey there,

You might be thinking that there’s a typo in the headline. But there isn’t. Im being dead serious.

Why offer something that most of my competitors find foolish and absurd?

Because I’m confident that I can deliver the results that you are looking for. And if I can’t deliver results and provide value, then why should you the customer have to pay me?

So here’s my guarantee:

If you’re not absolutely, 100% happy with the results we deliver, I will personally give you your money back.

GUARANTEED!!

As I mentioned earlier, we have our competitors laughing, calling us crazy & saying that its foolish to back up my work.

But it’s NOT. Let me explain.

Your house is one of the biggest investments you will ever make so you deserve to have it looking clean, beautiful, spotless, and germ free.

What’s more, we all hate taking risks and because we all hate risk, I believe that this Money Back Guarantee takes the risk from you and gives me an opportunity to prove myself to you.

So here’s what we I’m offering:

  • Free Audit- We will first head over to your house, meet with you, and go over your concerns, goals, and expectations.
  • 100 % Satisfaction Guarantee- If you’re not 100% happy with the results we provide based off the expectations set in the Audit then we will do one of two things:
  • Clean the Carpet one more time free of charge, or
  • Give ALL your money back. Guaranteed!!
  • 30 Day Accident Protection- Accidents happen. Maybe your uncle spilled soda on the carpet while watching the football game on Thanksgiving Day. Or maybe your dog was brought in on a rainy day and now your carpet is filled with mud and dirt. Whatever the reason may be, give us a call and we will clean up the mess free of charge within that 30 day period.

Get in touch with me ASAP as this offer expires September 31st 2018. Its easy for you to get a hold of me.

Call/Text me xxx.xxx.xxxx

Email me:xx@gmail.com

Visit my Website:www.carpetcleaning.com
 
OP
OP
Lex DeVille

Lex DeVille

Sweeping Shadows from Dreams
EPIC CONTRIBUTOR
FASTLANE INSIDER
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Jan 14, 2013
2,647
17,309
3,256
Oklahoma
lexdeville.com
Hey Lex!

Great thread ⚡Would love some input! I feel like my copy is still very "me" centric, but it's slowly getting better with each piece I write. Below is an email I sent out to offer free videos to boutique hotels and luxury accommodation.

Hi *client name*,

From a look at your website, your accommodation looks incredible! I would like to help you show off the beauty of your property in today's digital world and get you more clients!

I am *name*, a young freelance filmmaker and photographer, who is also studying a BBA in marketing management, as well as a nanodegree in digital marketing, and I would like to offer you the opportunity of a free promotional video showcasing your accommodation, which you could then use to market your amazing properties and share with your potential customers. This would be free marketing material which would usually cost tens of thousands (local currency) to hire a filmmaker for and would provide an exponential return on investment.

As I am looking to break into the market of making videos promoting luxury tourism options, I would like to build a solid portfolio of videos from establishments such as yours, and would thus offer you a free video in return for the experience in this particular niche. I would ultimately be aiming to achieve something similar to these videos:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=negni3BiiT4

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3tB7aFoyjY

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLV4lxAfp3g


with a slightly more upbeat vibe, which would be more relevant to the social media landscape of today.

I would only need access to your property for one day to gather enough footage.

It would ultimately need to be sometime before the 28th of September, as I will be leaving for a film project with a resort in Egypt on that day, and will only be back from this trip in November.

Please feel free to reach out at any time if there is anything else you need to know.

My relevant portfolio and social media links are available in my signature below, I look forward to your response!

Kind regards,
Since you're addressing an individual by name it's kind of a casual statement. So "Hey" would be better than "Hi" which doesn't sound as informal. A small change, but makes a big difference in how things start. "Hey" is what a friend says. "Hi" is more direct and serious unless it's followed by an exclamation point, but that wouldn't fit here.

From a look at your website, your accommodation looks incredible! I would like to help you show off the beauty of your property in today's digital world and get you more clients!
Good start with YOU focus.

One big problem for me is you switch from casual to business halfway through the paragraph. It breaks flow. It's like a fork in the road. Two paths and each one leads to a different outcome.

Casual talk is used to get people to respond for casual conversation (relationship building). Business talk promotes some other action like learning more, or clicking to buy (awareness or selling).

By switching like this it tells the reader your first statement was inauthentic. You don't want to build a relationship. You want to sell them something. Now their defenses go up because they know this is a mass communication. Doesn't matter if it isn't.

The exclamation points don't feel right. They come across really excited like a hyper puppy dog.

To fix this paragraph you should revisit your reader's perspective. Think about what they need to read to keep them from trashing this in 2 seconds. What would you need to read?

To me it would be better to mention their property and then go straight into who you are and what you want. Tell them about the free video promotion up front and follow up with your reason why. That should at least create a sense of, "I'm listening, tell me more.." to move them to paragraph 2. Remember to keep it short tho.

I am *name*, a young freelance filmmaker and photographer, who is also studying a BBA in marketing management, as well as a nanodegree in digital marketing, and I would like to offer you the opportunity of a free promotional video showcasing your accommodation, which you could then use to market your amazing properties and share with your potential customers. This would be free marketing material which would usually cost tens of thousands (local currency) to hire a filmmaker for and would provide an exponential return on investment.

As I am looking to break into the market of making videos promoting luxury tourism options, I would like to build a solid portfolio of videos from establishments such as yours, and would thus offer you a free video in return for the experience in this particular niche. I would ultimately be aiming to achieve something similar to these videos:

with a slightly more upbeat vibe, which would be more relevant to the social media landscape of today.

I would only need access to your property for one day to gather enough footage.

It would ultimately need to be sometime before the 28th of September, as I will be leaving for a film project with a resort in Egypt on that day, and will only be back from this trip in November.
Way too much info here. Your reader is a business. They're busy. These paragraphs look overwhelming. How can you make all of this shorter? Faster? Do they even need this info?

No reason to talk about accessing their property or the social media landscape etc. The people who like what you're doing will reply without all that info. The other people wouldn't reply anyway.

Please feel free to reach out at any time if there is anything else you need to know.

My relevant portfolio and social media links are available in my signature below, I look forward to your response!
In the line above this paragraph you gave a specific date. Now you're telling him to reach out "anytime." To me that means never. Your goal is to get him to reply by a specific date for a specific action, not just for anything else he needs to know.

No reason to tell him about all your portfolfio links in your signature. He's not stupid. He'll find those on his own if he cares. This line should either be deleted or should be a direct call to action.

Here's a quick mock up of how I might write this..

Hey Marty,

Fisherman's Inn looks like a really great place to stay. I'm a college student creating free promotional videos for boutique businesses to get experience. I'd like to make one for you. Interested?

[ VIDEO 1 ]
[ VIDEO 2 ]
[ VIDEO 3 ]

Again it's totally free.

If yes, reply by Sept. 28th for more info.

Kind Regards,

 

Create an account or login to comment

You must be a member in order to leave a comment

Create account

Create an account on our community. It's easy!

Log in

Already have an account? Log in here.

Post New Topic

Please SEARCH before posting.
Please select the BEST category.

Post new topic

Fastlane Insiders

View the forum AD FREE.
Private, unindexed content
Detailed process/execution threads
Monthly conference calls with doers
Ideas needing execution, more!

Join Fastlane Insiders.

Top Bottom