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[Lex DeVille]

Lex,

Thank you so much for doing this. I came up with this copy and was wondering if you could provide me some feedback. I tried to follow the advice of John Carlton, Web Copy That Sells, Joe Polish, & the book Cashvertising. Please let me know what I can improve on this. Thank you again for doing this.

Why Allow Me To Clean Your Carpets? Because I Offer You A Risk Free,100% Satisfaction Guarantee Or Your Money Back.​

Hey there,

You might be thinking that there’s a typo in the headline. But there isn’t. Im being dead serious.

Why offer something that most of my competitors find foolish and absurd?

Because I’m confident that I can deliver the results that you are looking for. And if I can’t deliver results and provide value, then why should you the customer have to pay me?

So here’s my guarantee:

If you’re not absolutely, 100% happy with the results we deliver, I will personally give you your money back.

GUARANTEED!!

As I mentioned earlier, we have our competitors laughing, calling us crazy & saying that its foolish to back up my work.

But it’s NOT. Let me explain.

Your house is one of the biggest investments you will ever make so you deserve to have it looking clean, beautiful, spotless, and germ free.

What’s more, we all hate taking risks and because we all hate risk, I believe that this Money Back Guarantee takes the risk from you and gives me an opportunity to prove myself to you.

So here’s what we I’m offering:

• Free Audit- We will first head over to your house, meet with you, and go over your concerns, goals, and expectations.

• 100 % Satisfaction Guarantee- If you’re not 100% happy with the results we provide based off the expectations set in the Audit then we will do one of two things:

• Clean the Carpet one more time free of charge, or

• Give ALL your money back. Guaranteed!!

• 30 Day Accident Protection- Accidents happen. Maybe your uncle spilled soda on the carpet while watching the football game on Thanksgiving Day. Or maybe your dog was brought in on a rainy day and now your carpet is filled with mud and dirt. Whatever the reason may be, give us a call and we will clean up the mess free of charge within that 30 day period.

Get in touch with me ASAP as this offer expires September 31st 2018. Its easy for you to get a hold of me.

Call/Text me xxx.xxx.xxxx

Email me:xx@gmail.com

Visit my Website:www.carpetcleaning.com

Since this is written in sales letter style I'll assume it's for a sales page on your website. So it means the audience is there because they're exploring local carpet cleaning options. Based on the style, I'll also assume this is for private carpet cleaning rather than business.

Why Allow Me To Clean Your Carpets? Because I Offer You A Risk Free,100% Satisfaction Guarantee Or Your Money Back.

Your headline has to get their attention. It looks like a headline, so that's good. If this is a "why hire me" page then the headline might make sense for the context.

If I used this headline I'd get rid of everything after, "Carpets?" The whole "risk free" thing comes across spammy. Plus it might have them thinking about "risk." Also, the consumer never knows how true any of these guarantees are. All they know is they have to take a risk to find out.

Better to leave them on a question so they have to read into the body for the answer.

Hey there,

You might be thinking that there’s a typo in the headline. But there isn’t. Im being dead serious.

Why offer something that most of my competitors find foolish and absurd?

Because I’m confident that I can deliver the results that you are looking for. And if I can’t deliver results and provide value, then why should you the customer have to pay me?

So here’s my guarantee:

If you’re not absolutely, 100% happy with the results we deliver, I will personally give you your money back.

GUARANTEED!!

If you ended the headline on a question then you could open the body with something more interesting than, "hey there." You could continue the thought from above. Then the story (and the reader) would already be in motion.

Right now the reader gets the story in the headline and starts a brand new story in the body. In other words, they start and then have to stop. How annoying is it to get going at a green light and have to slam the breaks at a red a few seconds later?

FIRST LINE
Delete the first line. It's filler that doesn't move the reader forward. Every word should move them closer to your goal.

SECOND LINE
To be honest I think you need a stronger benefit from the start. If you're gonna go with the whole "risk free" thing, you might as well say they should hire you because you'll do a damn good job and won't steal their sh*t. At least you'd feel honest. Plus there can't be many carpet cleaners making statements like that.

THE REST OF THIS SECTION
The writing is alright. I mean it flows well. It's just that it feels more like it's about you (the writer) than them (the reader). You brought up your competitors, so now they know they have other options too. So far there's no mention of any problem they have. Only thoughts of risk, self-talk, filler, other options, and spammy sales guarantees.

In terms of structure, you're golden. It's the content that needs work.

As I mentioned earlier, we have our competitors laughing, calling us crazy & saying that its foolish to back up my work.

But it’s NOT. Let me explain.

Your house is one of the biggest investments you will ever make so you deserve to have it looking clean, beautiful, spotless, and germ free.

What’s more, we all hate taking risks and because we all hate risk, I believe that this Money Back Guarantee takes the risk from you and gives me an opportunity to prove myself to you.

Here there's more filler in the first line. Why are we backtracking again? Go forward. Do NOT mention competitors at all. You want them thinking about YOU only.

You don't want them thinking you're crazy or that people laugh at you. How foolish would a person be to hire someone others think is foolish?

The customer cares 0.00% about what you believe or giving you an opportunity. They don't care. None of that is about their problems:

1. Their carpets are disgusting
2. Store bought solutions don't get the job done
3. They don't have time to do it on their own
4. They can rent equipment but they might waste money
5. They don't want to get ripped off or robbed

Solving those is what they care about. That's why they're on your website. They want you to answer those questions. Do that and you won't need spammy guarantees.

So here’s what we I’m offering:

• Free Audit- We will first head over to your house, meet with you, and go over your concerns, goals, and expectations.

• 100 % Satisfaction Guarantee- If you’re not 100% happy with the results we provide based off the expectations set in the Audit then we will do one of two things:

• Clean the Carpet one more time free of charge, or

• Give ALL your money back. Guaranteed!!

• 30 Day Accident Protection- Accidents happen. Maybe your uncle spilled soda on the carpet while watching the football game on Thanksgiving Day. Or maybe your dog was brought in on a rainy day and now your carpet is filled with mud and dirt. Whatever the reason may be, give us a call and we will clean up the mess free of charge within that 30 day period.

Love the "free audit." Feels personalized and adds value. The satisfaction guarantee is fine too. I don't like the money back guarantees but satisfaction is cool.

I don't like to talk about what happens if they're "not happy." When I offer a service I'm 100% confident I'll get the job done right and they'll love it. There's no reason to talk about what-if scenarios where things go wrong.

A used car dealer doesn't say, "if your car breaks down tomorrow, we'll gladly take it back" even if they will.

Get in touch with me ASAP as this offer expires September 31st 2018. Its easy for you to get a hold of me.

Call/Text me xxx.xxx.xxxx

Email me:xx@gmail.com

Visit my Website:www.carpetcleaning.com

Your CTA can be more direct. "ASAP" is too vague and open-ended even though you gave a date. Couldn't you just say, "Contact me by Sept. 31st"?

But what's with the date anyway? You didn't offer anything limited. Right now your offer basically says, "contact me by 9-31 or else your satisfaction and money are NOT guaranteed." It doesn't make sense. If you're going to set a deadline you need an offer that expires after the deadline.

Also, which action do you want them to take? Aren't they already on your website? Call or email makes the most sense to me.

FINAL THOUGHTS
The flow feels right. The structure looks right. It's the content that's off. Needs to focus more on the reader, their problems, and showing specifically how you solve those. Avoid the negative language (risk, competitors, not happy) and ditch the spammy guarantees and this will be a lot better.

 

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[yyes]

Since this is written in sales letter style I'll assume it's for a sales page on your website. So it means the audience is there because they're exploring local carpet cleaning options. Based on the style, I'll also assume this is for private carpet cleaning rather than business.

​

Your headline has to get their attention. It looks like a headline, so that's good. If this is a "why hire me" page then the headline might make sense for the context.

If I used this headline I'd get rid of everything after, "Carpets?" The whole "risk free" thing comes across spammy. Plus it might have them thinking about "risk." Also, the consumer never knows how true any of these guarantees are. All they know is they have to take a risk to find out.

Better to leave them on a question so they have to read into the body for the answer.



If you ended the headline on a question then you could open the body with something more interesting than, "hey there." You could continue the thought from above. Then the story (and the reader) would already be in motion.

Right now the reader gets the story in the headline and starts a brand new story in the body. In other words, they start and then have to stop. How annoying is it to get going at a green light and have to slam the breaks at a red a few seconds later?

FIRST LINE
Delete the first line. It's filler that doesn't move the reader forward. Every word should move them closer to your goal.

SECOND LINE
To be honest I think you need a stronger benefit from the start. If you're gonna go with the whole "risk free" thing, you might as well say they should hire you because you'll do a damn good job and won't steal their sh*t. At least you'd feel honest. Plus there can't be many carpet cleaners making statements like that.

THE REST OF THIS SECTION
The writing is alright. I mean it flows well. It's just that it feels more like it's about you (the writer) than them (the reader). You brought up your competitors, so now they know they have other options too. So far there's no mention of any problem they have. Only thoughts of risk, self-talk, filler, other options, and spammy sales guarantees.

In terms of structure, you're golden. It's the content that needs work.



Here there's more filler in the first line. Why are we backtracking again? Go forward. Do NOT mention competitors at all. You want them thinking about YOU only.

You don't want them thinking you're crazy or that people laugh at you. How foolish would a person be to hire someone others think is foolish?

The customer cares 0.00% about what you believe or giving you an opportunity. They don't care. None of that is about their problems:

1. Their carpets are disgusting
2. Store bought solutions don't get the job done
3. They don't have time to do it on their own
4. They can rent equipment but they might waste money
5. They don't want to get ripped off or robbed

Solving those is what they care about. That's why they're on your website. They want you to answer those questions. Do that and you won't need spammy guarantees.


Love the "free audit." Feels personalized and adds value. The satisfaction guarantee is fine too. I don't like the money back guarantees but satisfaction is cool.

I don't like to talk about what happens if they're "not happy." When I offer a service I'm 100% confident I'll get the job done right and they'll love it. There's no reason to talk about what-if scenarios where things go wrong.

A used car dealer doesn't say, "if your car breaks down tomorrow, we'll gladly take it back" even if they will.



Your CTA can be more direct. "ASAP" is too vague and open-ended even though you gave a date. Couldn't you just say, "Contact me by Sept. 31st"?

But what's with the date anyway? You didn't offer anything limited. Right now your offer basically says, "contact me by 9-31 or else your satisfaction and money are NOT guaranteed." It doesn't make sense. If you're going to set a deadline you need an offer that expires after the deadline.

Also, which action do you want them to take? Aren't they already on your website? Call or email makes the most sense to me.

FINAL THOUGHTS
The flow feels right. The structure looks right. It's the content that's off. Needs to focus more on the reader, their problems, and showing specifically how you solve those. Avoid the negative language (risk, competitors, not happy) and ditch the spammy guarantees and this will be a lot better.

Thank you so much for responding to this Lex. I really appreciate it.
I will definitely take this advice to heart and keep working at it

Thanks again man

 

[Lex DeVille]

@Timmy1990

Hey @Lex DeVille Would you be able to critique my copy? I have been practicing!

The Fastlane To A Healthy Body!

Consider this.

Your weekly meals prepared by your own personal chef with succulent flavours that are fresh, as well as vacuum sealed to lock in flavours that are out of this world.


Delivered straight to your door every week!

Imagine never needing to do a shop again!

Your fridge will be packed full of nutritious goodness that are crafted to perfection. Never again being tempted by a late night take away order that will ruin your health and fitness goals.

What is the worst that could happen?

For the next week you are able to receive 15 Meals hand crafted for $249….

Yes….

Hand crafted!

Completely customised to your liking!

Did I mention you have your own chef now?

This is a limited time offer available for a select few clients, Click here to buy now!

The Fastlane To A Healthy Body!

Who is the target? What is the solution? A healthy body is an outcome but that doesn't tell me why I specifically should care or HOW specifically I'll achieve that outcome. Without those two pieces of info I don't really have a reason to click this to read more assuming I come from an ad or a blog etc.

Consider this.

Your weekly meals prepared by your own personal chef with succulent flavours that are fresh, as well as vacuum sealed to lock in flavours that are out of this world.

To consider is to think about something and weigh the pros and cons prior to making a decision. "Imagine this" would work better in this case since you're aiming to create a picture of a scenario.

Since you're creating a picture, you need to put the descriptive words in the right places and get more specific.

"Your weekly meals" <-- what does a meal look like? That's what should be described in detail.

"succulent flavours" <-- what is a succulent flavour and how does it taste? I don't know without the details.

"vacuum sealed" <-- that's a good descriptor.

"out of this world" <-- that's too vague. I don't know what out of this world tastes like, and without knowing I can't taste the food in my mind. I can taste orange juice squeezed from an orange still attached to a tree branch. I can taste a salmon fillet seared over an open flame. I can taste chicken parmasen covered in an organic tomato basil sauce. But I can't taste "out of this world."

The sentence is mostly clean but it's too long. Shorten it so it's faster.

Delivered straight to your door every week!

Imagine never needing to do a shop again!

The part about delivery should be attached to the first main paragraph because it's an important factor. In fact, it's one of the most important reasons someone would consider this offer. Technically, it should be mentioned in some form in your headline.

"to do a shop again" <-- this is not how an native English speaker would say this, so it could pull them out of the copy. The words "do a" can be removed to improve it.

I'd get rid of the exclamation point on the second line. When you have them back to back they start to make you seem like one of those parents who slaps you in the face with their baby pictures when you don't care.

Your fridge will be packed full of nutritious goodness that are crafted to perfection. Never again being tempted by a late night take away order that will ruin your health and fitness goals.

"Fridge" is a good word that creates a picture.

What is "nutritious goodness"? Needs more description or I can't see it. Plus, without description it makes the next two words "that are" sound funny when you read this aloud.

What is "perfection"?

The last sentence is good. It could be reworked so it is faster. It does target a problem the target audience deals with, so it should probably be mentioned earlier in the copy. Typically copy like this page goes in this order:

1) Problem
2) Agitate the Problem
3) Offer a Solution

Your page starts with a solution, then hints at a problem.

What is the worst that could happen?

Now they're imagining the worst that could happen. You'd be surprised what the mind can come up with when left to its own devices!

For the next week you are able to receive 15 Meals hand crafted for $249….

This can be more direct so it's faster and gives a call to action. "Get 15 hand-crafted meals when you order by Friday, 5-3-19!"

Yes….

Hand crafted!

Completely customised to your liking!

This is good use of the white space technique so it doesn't feel too cluttered. If I were writing this I would use different words to transition into the next line.

"Oh...

By the way...

You get to customize your meals 100 percent!"

Did I mention you have your own chef now?

This was already mentioned near the top. It's okay to repeat it but not necessary.

This is a limited time offer available for a select few clients, Click here to buy now!

Instead of saying this is a limited-time offer, what if you just reminded them of the deadline? Also, what if you used this space to target their pains one more time?

"If cooking dinner takes up half of the half hour you have to relax after work, and if you want to change that...subscribe now to get your first 15 fresh meals by 5-3-19!

Final Thoughts

It reads okay for the most part. It's good enough to offer freelance copywriting services if that's what you're going for. Clients will most likely point out the native English parts, but that's an easy fix. Most of the stuff I pointed out is minor. Technical flaws mostly. The biggest improvements you can make are to focus on problem, agitate, solve order and descriptive language so you create experiences in the mind.

 

[Timmy C]

@Timmy1990






Who is the target? What is the solution? A healthy body is an outcome but that doesn't tell me why I specifically should care or HOW specifically I'll achieve that outcome. Without those two pieces of info I don't really have a reason to click this to read more assuming I come from an ad or a blog etc.




To consider is to think about something and weigh the pros and cons prior to making a decision. "Imagine this" would work better in this case since you're aiming to create a picture of a scenario.

Since you're creating a picture, you need to put the descriptive words in the right places and get more specific.

"Your weekly meals" <-- what does a meal look like? That's what should be described in detail.

"succulent flavours" <-- what is a succulent flavour and how does it taste? I don't know without the details.

"vacuum sealed" <-- that's a good descriptor.

"out of this world" <-- that's too vague. I don't know what out of this world tastes like, and without knowing I can't taste the food in my mind. I can taste orange juice squeezed from an orange still attached to a tree branch. I can taste a salmon fillet seared over an open flame. I can taste chicken parmasen covered in an organic tomato basil sauce. But I can't taste "out of this world."

The sentence is mostly clean but it's too long. Shorten it so it's faster.



The part about delivery should be attached to the first main paragraph because it's an important factor. In fact, it's one of the most important reasons someone would consider this offer. Technically, it should be mentioned in some form in your headline.

"to do a shop again" <-- this is not how an native English speaker would say this, so it could pull them out of the copy. The words "do a" can be removed to improve it.

I'd get rid of the exclamation point on the second line. When you have them back to back they start to make you seem like one of those parents who slaps you in the face with their baby pictures when you don't care.



"Fridge" is a good word that creates a picture.

What is "nutritious goodness"? Needs more description or I can't see it. Plus, without description it makes the next two words "that are" sound funny when you read this aloud.

What is "perfection"?

The last sentence is good. It could be reworked so it is faster. It does target a problem the target audience deals with, so it should probably be mentioned earlier in the copy. Typically copy like this page goes in this order:

1) Problem
2) Agitate the Problem
3) Offer a Solution

Your page starts with a solution, then hints at a problem.



Now they're imagining the worst that could happen. You'd be surprised what the mind can come up with when left to its own devices!



This can be more direct so it's faster and gives a call to action. "Get 15 hand-crafted meals when you order by Friday, 5-3-19!"



This is good use of the white space technique so it doesn't feel too cluttered. If I were writing this I would use different words to transition into the next line.

"Oh...

By the way...

You get to customize your meals 100 percent!"



This was already mentioned near the top. It's okay to repeat it but not necessary.



Instead of saying this is a limited-time offer, what if you just reminded them of the deadline? Also, what if you used this space to target their pains one more time?

"If cooking dinner takes up half of the half hour you have to relax after work, and if you want to change that...subscribe now to get your first 15 fresh meals by 5-3-19!

Final Thoughts

It reads okay for the most part. It's good enough to offer freelance copywriting services if that's what you're going for. Clients will most likely point out the native English parts, but that's an easy fix. Most of the stuff I pointed out is minor. Technical flaws mostly. The biggest improvements you can make are to focus on problem, agitate, solve order and descriptive language so you create experiences in the mind.

Thank you very much for the time you took to review that for me Lex!

Much appreciated!

 

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[Andy Black]

@Timmy1990






Who is the target? What is the solution? A healthy body is an outcome but that doesn't tell me why I specifically should care or HOW specifically I'll achieve that outcome. Without those two pieces of info I don't really have a reason to click this to read more assuming I come from an ad or a blog etc.




To consider is to think about something and weigh the pros and cons prior to making a decision. "Imagine this" would work better in this case since you're aiming to create a picture of a scenario.

Since you're creating a picture, you need to put the descriptive words in the right places and get more specific.

"Your weekly meals" <-- what does a meal look like? That's what should be described in detail.

"succulent flavours" <-- what is a succulent flavour and how does it taste? I don't know without the details.

"vacuum sealed" <-- that's a good descriptor.

"out of this world" <-- that's too vague. I don't know what out of this world tastes like, and without knowing I can't taste the food in my mind. I can taste orange juice squeezed from an orange still attached to a tree branch. I can taste a salmon fillet seared over an open flame. I can taste chicken parmasen covered in an organic tomato basil sauce. But I can't taste "out of this world."

The sentence is mostly clean but it's too long. Shorten it so it's faster.



The part about delivery should be attached to the first main paragraph because it's an important factor. In fact, it's one of the most important reasons someone would consider this offer. Technically, it should be mentioned in some form in your headline.

"to do a shop again" <-- this is not how an native English speaker would say this, so it could pull them out of the copy. The words "do a" can be removed to improve it.

I'd get rid of the exclamation point on the second line. When you have them back to back they start to make you seem like one of those parents who slaps you in the face with their baby pictures when you don't care.



"Fridge" is a good word that creates a picture.

What is "nutritious goodness"? Needs more description or I can't see it. Plus, without description it makes the next two words "that are" sound funny when you read this aloud.

What is "perfection"?

The last sentence is good. It could be reworked so it is faster. It does target a problem the target audience deals with, so it should probably be mentioned earlier in the copy. Typically copy like this page goes in this order:

1) Problem
2) Agitate the Problem
3) Offer a Solution

Your page starts with a solution, then hints at a problem.



Now they're imagining the worst that could happen. You'd be surprised what the mind can come up with when left to its own devices!



This can be more direct so it's faster and gives a call to action. "Get 15 hand-crafted meals when you order by Friday, 5-3-19!"



This is good use of the white space technique so it doesn't feel too cluttered. If I were writing this I would use different words to transition into the next line.

"Oh...

By the way...

You get to customize your meals 100 percent!"



This was already mentioned near the top. It's okay to repeat it but not necessary.



Instead of saying this is a limited-time offer, what if you just reminded them of the deadline? Also, what if you used this space to target their pains one more time?

"If cooking dinner takes up half of the half hour you have to relax after work, and if you want to change that...subscribe now to get your first 15 fresh meals by 5-3-19!

Final Thoughts

It reads okay for the most part. It's good enough to offer freelance copywriting services if that's what you're going for. Clients will most likely point out the native English parts, but that's an easy fix. Most of the stuff I pointed out is minor. Technical flaws mostly. The biggest improvements you can make are to focus on problem, agitate, solve order and descriptive language so you create experiences in the mind.

Blimey...

How much time and mental energy does it take to do these @Lex DeVille ?

 

[Lex DeVille]

Blimey...

How much time and mental energy does it take to do these @Lex DeVille ?

Too much. That's why I didn't add graded homework or critiques as part of the marketplace program.