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O/T: HEALTH Dealing with depression as an entrepreneur, figuring things out as I go

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Black_Dragon43

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The book is a self-guided workshop where you learn how to apply cognitive behavioral therapy to your depression. CBT is the gold-standard in depression treatment. The book itself is very easy to read, engaging, and uses a lot of common sense type things that really work.

I've read it, and its made a huge impact.

The overall theme of the book is this: our thoughts *create* our emotions. It walks you through how to identify the negative thoughts you're having, and then shows you how to counteract them.
I would be careful with calling CBT the gold-standard for depression. The evidence-based methods (CBT being among them) are notorious for being "popular" for the simple reason that they're easy to track, easy to systematize (same method applied to everyone), and easy to apply (they reduce the person to thoughts, feelings and behaviours).

In some cases, they're just treating symptoms, while ignoring the underlying causes. This makes them a favorite for insurance companies - it's easy to pay for a limited 6-9 weeks treatment than it is to pay for an undefined treatment in psychoanalysis, where you don't know how long it will take, and how to standardise the application.

But still, the truth remains that people are different and life is very complicated. Reducing a person to just their thoughts, feelings and behaviour while ignoring the context and the bigger picture is likely to offer just bandaid when a deeper solution/treatment is required.

On this topic, this video is interesting:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4JQamcq24c


Some famous psychologists, like Jordan Peterson for example, aren't CBT practitioners.
 

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Jon L

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I would be careful with calling CBT the gold-standard for depression. The evidence-based methods (CBT being among them) are notorious for being "popular" for the simple reason that they're easy to track, easy to systematize (same method applied to everyone), and easy to apply (they reduce the person to thoughts, feelings and behaviours).

In some cases, they're just treating symptoms, while ignoring the underlying causes. This makes them a favorite for insurance companies - it's easy to pay for a limited 6-9 weeks treatment than it is to pay for an undefined treatment in psychoanalysis, where you don't know how long it will take, and how to standardise the application.

But still, the truth remains that people are different and life is very complicated. Reducing a person to just their thoughts, feelings and behaviour while ignoring the context and the bigger picture is likely to offer just bandaid when a deeper solution/treatment is required.

On this topic, this video is interesting:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4JQamcq24c


Some famous psychologists, like Jordan Peterson for example, aren't CBT practitioners.
I'm certainly not an expert so I don't want to get into arguing over this. But, from personal experience, CBT has helped me a lot. Reading this book has helped me a lot.

its simple, easy to use and understand and in my view is a great place to start. After working on things this way for a few weeks/months, if you're still having trouble, try other stuff.

Psychological treatments are often made waaaay too complicated. I've gone down that road myself. Simple is much better, usually.
 
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elusive97

elusive97

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So just hang in there, it's the last stretch you can do it! I'm rooting for you.
Thank you so much! I know I got this now after last year where until the last month I made almost no progress and wasn't even focused on action. I appreciate the support :bicep:

I'm happy to know you are doing well.
It would be a great value if you share any new habit that helped you improve.
Reading The Power of Now and literally applying the knowledge from this blog article along with Googling a couple of other things I needed to work on is what it took to help me improve significantly! Being aware that I'm not my thoughts, but the awareness of them, really helps me take control.

Sounds like you're doing better? That's good. But, be careful with it. If you've been depressed for a while, the depression can creep back in. I was diagnosed dysthymic in my 20's and have dealt with depression most of my life. I'm now 45.

I hate people that recommend books, but I'm going to recommend one for you. This one is different, I promise.

Feeling Good by David Burns

What's different about this? They have done actual studies with this book, testing its effectiveness. Here's an example. They divided depressed patients into three groups:
Group 1: Came in for counseling for depression, were told they had no appointments for 30 days, but here's a book to read
Group 2: Came in for counseling, were set up immediately with a therapist
Group 3: Came in for counseling, and were put on meds

Group 1 made the most improvement. Most of the patients didn't end up coming in for counseling. They followed up in a year and the vast majority of people continued to not be depressed. The ones that weren't depressed said that they referred back to the book on occasion when they started feeling down.

You sound like you're doing this pretty well, but you need to head off future episodes. This book will help with that. I promise.
I'm doing better but I still feel some of the physical effects of depression so I'm not worried about 'feeling better' then it coming back.

It'll be a long learning process, so I appreciate the book. Books are what got me started on my journey of improvement!

The overall theme of the book is this: our thoughts *create* our emotions. It walks you through how to identify the negative thoughts you're having, and then shows you how to counteract them.
Sounds great, like it'll be greatly useful especially as I enjoyed and have benefited from The Power of Now so much.
 
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elusive97

elusive97

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I would be careful with calling CBT the gold-standard for depression. The evidence-based methods (CBT being among them) are notorious for being "popular" for the simple reason that they're easy to track, easy to systematize (same method applied to everyone), and easy to apply (they reduce the person to thoughts, feelings and behaviours).

In some cases, they're just treating symptoms, while ignoring the underlying causes. This makes them a favorite for insurance companies - it's easy to pay for a limited 6-9 weeks treatment than it is to pay for an undefined treatment in psychoanalysis, where you don't know how long it will take, and how to standardise the application.

But still, the truth remains that people are different and life is very complicated. Reducing a person to just their thoughts, feelings and behaviour while ignoring the context and the bigger picture is likely to offer just bandaid when a deeper solution/treatment is required.

Some famous psychologists, like Jordan Peterson for example, aren't CBT practitioners.
I understand what you're saying @Black_Dragon43. For where I am now, and where my bank balance is, CBT is my only option. I will definitely be looking into and pursuing other options in the future especially once I'm doing well financially! I'm in the UK and our socialised healthcare isn't able to offer me anything besides medications which haven't helped in the past sadly
 

Jon L

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I understand what you're saying @Black_Dragon43. For where I am now, and where my bank balance is, CBT is my only option. I will definitely be looking into and pursuing other options in the future especially once I'm doing well financially! I'm in the UK and our socialised healthcare isn't able to offer me anything besides medications which haven't helped in the past sadly
medications suck a$$, having tried almost all of the various types out there.
 

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I hesitate to write this, but I'm trying Acetyl L-Carnitine HCL. Its an OTC amino acid supplement that's been studied. There are some studies that say that it helps depressed patients by quite a bit. They have also linked severity of depression by amount of this chemical in your blood. Lower amounts correlate with greater depression.

This is not something that a psychiatrist would have you try.

I've been on it a week and feel less depressed / more able to concentrate. Whether or not thats a placebo effect, i don't know. I don't really care if it is though. There aren't any side effects of it, so if its working, I'm going to keep taking it.

Normally I don't listen to people who randomly say, 'try this supplement, I swear by it.' The reason I'm sharing it with you is that in the studies I've read on it, its most effective in people that have not been helped with other medications, and have dealt with depression for a while. I fit that description, and it sounds like you do too.

L-Carnitine and Acetyl L Carnitine are not the same thing, by the way. The studies I read showed that L-Carnitine didn't have any effect on depression while Acetyl L carnitine did.
 

Everyman

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I haven't really spoke to anyone on here about it or mentioned it to anyone but I need to hear some advice from fellow entrepreneurs as it's hard for others to relate, and I don't have a strong support network. I've dealt with persistent depression since I was young. I'm not sure why I have depression but for the most part I've felt sad for as long as I can remember.

I don't remember who (sorry!) but I resonated deeply with a comment here that entrepreneurs don't need to be happy, we get our fulfilment from success.

That said, if I think back to when I was in school and first got into entrepreneurship, my depression and discontentedness actually helped me keep going and be determined to succeed throughout my first business ventures/hustles! I was bullied a lot (unpopular nerdy girl!) but this was just another reason I had to achieve my goals.

I'd focus on the positives of my situation, that I had good skills, had an idea of how business worked, and that I had the stability of living with parents.

I'd get home in the afternoon and happily sit at my laptop for 6 hours and do a whole bunch of work. I'd try something if I thought it might make money and get me closer to my goal of moving out of my hometown, and more often than not I was actually successful! I'd simply set my mind to a goal and sit day-in-day-out at my laptop working through the required tasks.

It was pretty satisfying in my last year when my bullies wanted to know how I made money or if I had any tips for them :p

I finished school half way towards my goal and made £1800 a month from an hours work a day whilst in college. Despite often feeling depressed, I always sort of just knew what I was doing/had to do to get me to my goals.

From the age 15 to 20 when I was comfortable and doing well, I was the happiest and least depressed I'd ever been. It was easy to fill my time with work, and it was great that my work was fulfilling! The feeling of success was oh so satisfying.

After a couple more years in the digital marketing world, I achieved my goal and proudly bought my own home at 20! I think this is where my mindset changed, as I'd achieved my main goal and didn't set another major goal (I had no mentor or business/entrepreneur role models as I'd always done stuff individually, so I made a lot of rookie mistakes). I continued working on my business and did alright, until I lost it.

In January 2019, I experienced a traumatic event. An old friend once told me about something traumatic sometimes it takes your brain a while to make all those connections you once had. This is what I felt I spent most of 2019 doing, but I still don't feel as smart/talented/KNOWING as I was before.

A week later my car was totalled so I lost a lot of independence, something I had thoroughly enjoyed since achieving my goal of owning a home. I felt a loss of control but fought against those feelings and set a goal to have a car by July.

A couple of weeks later a relative died and my family, who I hadn't seen for a while, ignored me at the funeral. I didn't realise I was estranged so that broke my heart. The death, my loss of independence + business, and the traumatic event were too much.

I spent 3 months in a chronic stress response, and barely left the house. I considered ending it all but couldn't. I hoped every day I would die, but death never came, so I accepted that I have longer to live.

In May/June I set goals, and started trying to work towards them. This time though, rather than 'sort of knowing what I was doing/had to do to get me to my goals', I didn't know what to do. I failed to achieve my goal of buying a car by July. I thought I knew what to do a few times between May and October, but each time it wasn't right, my mind wasn't in it, and I didn't make any progress.

I found a short-lived side hustle in October that lasted until earlier this month, but it barely covered food and bills, and wasn't reliable. At the end of November I joined FLF and begun to see some of the errors in my way.

I was told I need to get out of my way. I've been working on being more present and thinking about how I want to feel and react to a situation. Now, when I think negative thoughts (not depressed thoughts) or begin to overthink I'm able to take a step back and catch myself almost instantly and change how I feel - it's pretty nice actually.

I'm still working on it of course, but the main issue I'm still having is dealing with depression and the thoughts I have when I feel controlled by feelings of low mood, hopelessness, low self-esteem, and lack of enjoyment from life. I can deal with regular negative thoughts better now but it's still really difficult when I feel depressed. I give it to myself that I've improved, before these feelings could take a hold for days or even weeks at a time. Now it usually lasts a few hours or less, half a day max, before I'm able to push my way through the feelings and change how I feel. Still, it just won't do

It's still almost every other day, and it makes me focus on my failures, the (sometimes) hopelessness of life, and all the external problems in my life. It affects my approach to everything, and it shows when my actions don't take me closer to my goals. I'm not sure if it's the trauma, depression, or 'poverty mindset', but I'm no longer able to make the connections in my head between where I am now, where I want to be, and what I have to do to get there.

I used to be able to think of the next step forward within half a day, or even if it was a really difficult step, within a week! What is wrong with me now? Why can't I do this any more? The only real difference is that there are more negative things and less positives in my life now than in the past, but I still have my skills.

I've been getting up early in the morning and going for a jog, listening to music I enjoy that makes me feel good, and trying to set goals, but I still struggle with dealing with depression more than I have in 10 years.

Have you ever dealt with any mental health issues that have affected your business or work? How did you get back into your stride? What advice would you give me? I'm only 22, I've spent the majority of my life depressed and I can't let it control me now. At least the next time I'm successful, I know the importance of using some of those funds to get therapy! Until then, I'm going to keep trying to work on my mental health and pushing forwards, so thanks in advance for any replies.
Psychotherapy. See a specialist. Please. Do it for us. Don't wait. One day is better, one day is worse. Believe me I have gone through it. No amount of anything will help. Drugs are good but for limited time (never taken any, but have friends that do, they might save life). Reading books... Will distract you, but it's short term. Direct advice here will not help you (most probably). It's like talking to someone who is sad - 'be happy' - Ok now I know, I have been so stupid by being sad... well it doesn't work this way. Or 'you are poor?' - 'be rich then'. Mystery solved. If this were that easy then everybody would be happy and rich. And we aren't... Only a few...

I wrote it today if you are interested. I understand it may not help you. Everyone is different. This is why seeing a specialist is so important. And not always the first one will be the right one.

You had the courage to share it which is really great because a lot of people are in pain but also afraid of sharing. Sharing is crucial.
 
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elusive97

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medications suck a$$, having tried almost all of the various types out there.
Yeah right?
Psychotherapy. See a specialist. Please. Do it for us. Don't wait. One day is better, one day is worse. Believe me I have gone through it. No amount of anything will help. Drugs are good but for limited time (never taken any, but have friends that do, they might save life). Reading books... Will distract you, but it's short term. Direct advice here will not help you (most probably). It's like talking to someone who is sad - 'be happy' - Ok now I know, I have been so stupid by being sad... well it doesn't work this way. Or 'you are poor?' - 'be rich then'. Mystery solved. If this were that easy then everybody would be happy and rich. And we aren't... Only a few...

I wrote it today if you are interested. I understand it may not help you. Everyone is different. This is why seeing a specialist is so important. And not always the first one will be the right one.

You had the courage to share it which is really great because a lot of people are in pain but also afraid of sharing. Sharing is crucial.
I'm living month to month ATM and simply couldn't afford it, but by the end of the year I will have some financial security.

Seeing specialists is definitely something I want to do. I regret not doing so last time I had success, but at least this time I know to make it a priority :( I appreciate your kind words!
 

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I hope I am not pushing or anything. After reading my post I thought... All advice in this thread is great and might help. I don't know you personally and no one does here. This is why I wrote it. Depression is to severe to ignore it and leave it to 'a forum'. Especially after what you have been through...

I'm living month to month ATM and simply couldn't afford it, but by the end of the year I will have some financial security.
If finances is the only reason then let me know. We might figure something out. Again, don't want to push you. I am really worried because I have studied and read a lot about it and we should take care of each other.
 
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elusive97

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I hope I am not pushing or anything. After reading my post I thought... All advice in this thread is great and might help. I don't know you personally and no one does here. This is why I wrote it. Depression is to severe to ignore it and leave it to 'a forum'. Especially after what you have been through...



If finances is the only reason then let me know. We might figure something out. Again, don't want to push you. I am really worried because I have studied and read a lot about it and we should take care of each other.
I sent you a message
 
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elusive97

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Since reading The Power of Now I have experienced a lot more joy in my life. The other day I read something that really helped me put things into perspective and enjoy life even more.

I find myself laughing like a child and creating joy each and every day now and wanted to share with every one what got me here :)

After reading the quote 'Happiness is something we pursue, joy is something we choose -Joy is not a feeling, it's an outlook on life and an invitation to others' I laughed. How had I never realised that before? I looked back at the quote a few times and really let the realisation sink in. I can create my own Joy, by choice.

Simply adding the belief of 'we can, and should, choose joy' to my belief system might be the biggest factor!

I decided to let joy into my life, even more than I had been.

I let myself be guided towards what feels good, choosing freedom over negativity. I let my reactions lean positive, towards joy, rather than pain or despair. It's subtle but the way I react to things, even minor, used to be so negative.

As a small example: My boyfriend scolded me as I knocked a shower gel bottle off the side of the bath and had let out a little laugh. A joyful laugh you could say! It's no big deal, the flooring is fine, the bottle is fine, and the hot water is lovely. "Why did you laugh? What's funny about that?" he asked. "I laughed because I'm a clumsy person, I accept that. I'm not going to get upset about an undamaged floor, an undamaged bottle'.

Aiming for thoughts that make me feel good, and holding on to them, whilst letting go of the thoughts that make me feel bad, has also helped. Often times when I'd react negatively to something, it's because I let the negative thoughts about the situation turn into a negative story, which I'd react to negatively. You can be happier by focusing on being happier NOW!
 

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elusive97

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edit: don't overthink
 

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edit: don't overthink
Ahhhh,

Another person transformed by Eckhart. He saved me tbh - it's actually a bit messed up now that I think about all the folks that will never experience the now.
 
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elusive97

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Ahhhh,

Another person transformed by Eckhart. He saved me tbh - it's actually a bit messed up now that I think about all the folks that will never experience the now.
Absolutely! Most of the time I manage to not overthink now, and not be overly pessimistic, but I still catch it creeping in. Then, after a short while, things either work out, or it's not a big a deal as the thoughts in my head were making it.
 

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Absolutely! Most of the time I manage to not overthink now, and not be overly pessimistic, but I still catch it creeping in. Then, after a short while, things either work out, or it's not a big a deal as the thoughts in my head were making it.
To paraphrase a teaching I read somewhere:

Enlightenment isn't a state, achieved once and maintained forever... It's a process.

By catching those thought spirals as they're happening and heading them off before they lead you down the wrong path, you're living as you need to.
 
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elusive97

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To paraphrase a teaching I read somewhere:

Enlightenment isn't a state, achieved once and maintained forever... It's a process.

By catching those thought spirals as they're happening and heading them off before they lead you down the wrong path, you're living as you need to.
I appreciate your words :)
 
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elusive97

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Life is full of lessons and especially as an entrepreneur I feel it's especially important to learn and grow from them.

I started having rapid eye movement again in sleep (my medication suppressed rapid eye movement) so I'm having dreams after over a year of barely dreaming! Sometimes they're just... dreams, but increasingly they are insightful and show me the truth.

I realise that I'm not in this situation just because I got really ill, but other factors let things get this bad. If I hadn't been so trusting, something which has been my downfall (the reason I lost my six figure business!!) multiple times, things would be better.

I'm not dwelling on the past but I am happy I can grow from this realisation that I am far too trusting and place too much faith in other people. I lost my business because I trusted someone because they were a millionaire business person. It would have been a struggle but I could have finished 2019 in a better place if I'd have not placed so much faith in my boyfriend. I did so because he calls himself family orientated and conservative, so I trusted that his actions would meet his words and I held an expectation that he would look after me. I realise now I can only hold myself to expectations, and I can put in the work to get myself to where I reach and exceed them! :smile:

I forced myself to get my sh*t together in December but if I had realised the severeness of the situation and that only I had the power to change it, things would've started rolling earlier.

I am excited for this year, I know I am talented and smart and that all I need, basically, is to do is what I've done in the past. I will not make the same mistakes I made in the past, and I'll get back to where I'm happy with my life, reach my goals, and exceed my expectations.
 

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elusive97

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How can I deal with the pain I sometimes feel physically in my body, even without engaging depressed thoughts, when the feeling of physical anxiety is constant, and anxiety still intrudes on my thoughts daily? I didn't sleep and I'm feeling confused and weak
 

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Good Morning Elusive

When you write pain that could mean many things. Sharp pain, dull pain, whereabouts etc etc. Have you been to your GP?

As someone who has never had anxiety/depression the following two thoughts may sound glib. Advance apologies. :smile2:

I see you have a dog in your Avatar so maybe that is your dog and therefore you probably already do this, do you exercise at all?

Something simple like going for a 30 minute morning walk and an afternoon/evening walk in nature? Woods, park, along river whatever is near you. Quite a lot in Yorkshire!

And you know the old adage 'Laughter is the best medicine?' Well not quite but there is some truth there. Watch some comedy.

In the 80's almost every second TV programme in the evening was a comedy one so everyone got a dose of humour everyday. Now everyone gets a dose of a reality programme of half naked gym buffed men and women flashing the cash, anxiety and depression rates are up. Hmm

Hale & Pace were from Yorkshire. Here is their Yorkshire Airlines clip :)

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQcjanPGqAA


Dan
 
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I feel depressed today. I want to change my situation so bad and my action isn't changing it. I don't know the way forward and now I'm in debt for the first time in my life.

Why did I know what to do when I was thirteen or fourteen but not now? I was such a good entrepreneur. At a low point I dropped to £400, the next month I found a way to increase my earnings to £600, and within a few months I was back to £100 a month.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just pick up what will make money now? What changed? Why can't I get it back? I feel horrible and all I want is for things to stop going wrong.

I just want things to stop getting worse and worse. As a teen entrepreneur I used to be able to put an extra 2 hours into something and make an extra £400 a month EASILY, why, when I need it most, can't I do that with an extra 6-12 hours a day??

I'm so sad :frown:
 

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Good Morning Elusive

When you write pain that could mean many things. Sharp pain, dull pain, whereabouts etc etc. Have you been to your GP?
GP only offered antidepressants which made me heavily suicidal and robotic so I didn't have any qualms about ideation/making plans/etc.

It's a pain in my gut/stomach and throughout my being. I'm not sure how to describe it. Eckhart Tolle helped me identify it, and I can remove myself from it sometimes
 

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Do you have an NHS Walk in Clinic near you? Usually they are in largish towns, not sure where in Yorkshire you live.

You can't make an appointment so take a book.

They can refer you to a hospital for the relevant specialist to see you (which is what your GP should be doing) Or is there another GP in the surgery? Usually there are 3 or 4.

Something is causing the pain and needs investigating. Your GP is suggesting it is psychosomatic. He/she could be right but it would be beyond his/her level of expertise.

Dan
 
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Do you have an NHS Walk in Clinic near you? Usually they are in largish towns, not sure where in Yorkshire you live.

You can't make an appointment so take a book.

They can refer you to a hospital for the relevant specialist to see you (which is what your GP should be doing) Or is there another GP in the surgery? Usually there are 3 or 4.

Something is causing the pain and needs investigating. Your GP is suggesting it is psychosomatic. He/she could be right but it would be beyond his/her level of expertise.

Dan
Sorry I don't think I made it clear, I only get these feelings when I'm feeling anxious or depressed. I'm talking about the feeling of depression and anxiety. I don't have any non-psychosomatic pain.

The only thing medically that'd help would be mental health care. Sadly I'm up North and it's almost impossible to get a referral to a psychotherapist, my friend got a referral after 18 months of pushing their GP yet now the wait is 2 years.

Within that amount of time, I'll have moved away from the area (selling house this year) and be well on my way with my fastlane plans so will be able to pay specialists out of pocket :)
 
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First time feeling suicidal in over a month, why can't things get better, why can't I see the way forward
 

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BizyDad

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First time feeling suicidal in over a month, why can't things get better, why can't I see the way forward
I haven't lived your life, but I have felt things similar to what you are expressing. Just focus on what is the next step you can take. For me, some days, that was just lying in bed. That was all I had to give. And the next day I got up. I think I did some grocery shopping. That was a big step for me. Depression is a bitch to overcome.

Things will get better. You've been stuck in a downward spiral and are turning things around. It won't happen overnight, but if you stick with it, it will happen. Some days it is hard to realize how far you've come. The first time in a month is an improvement, right?

The longest journey begins with the first step.

As far as the money/internet marketing thing goes, well, the game has changed since you were a teenager. As a teenager you were committed to figuring it out no matter what. You didn't worry how long it would take you to be a success.

So don't just think back to the time you were on top of your game and bemoan that you aren't there. Because you are still the kid who learned it and did it back then, and only you can stop you from learning it and doing it again.

Things are getting better. Focus on the positive. A year from now you will be well on your way with your fastlane plans. Keep striving.
 
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elusive97

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As far as the money/internet marketing thing goes, well, the game has changed since you were a teenager. As a teenager you were committed to figuring it out no matter what. You didn't worry how long it would take you to be a success.

So don't just think back to the time you were on top of your game and bemoan that you aren't there. Because you are still the kid who learned it and did it back then, and only you can stop you from learning it and doing it again.

Things are getting better. Focus on the positive. A year from now you will be well on your way with your fastlane plans. Keep striving.
I really appreciate that. Helped me sort of put things into perspective. It's just frustrating as when marketing wasn't going well, I could easily find a different method to help me get to my goals (e.g. ecommerce). Now, when I need it more than ever, I can't even make a measly £500 a month.

It's frustrating as I worked so hard for years to buy my house outright so my minimum monthly costs would be like £300-400 rather than £750+. I thought by doing that, at a minimum I'd always at least be comfortable and not have to struggle. Because making £300 was an easy task for me until recently.

In regards to the depression, I honestly think I'm at the point where the only way I can feel good long term is by tackling the money issue. I've only really been depressed two out the last 30 days, and both times it's because I let the money issue get to me. I can react to other stimuli in a healthy way, but knowing I can't pay the bills, can't afford to travel (I have no car so I'm home all the time), etc. just kills me.

When I was bullied heavily, entrepreneurship and the independence making money brought, kept me off the ledge. I just want to get back to that, I feel so pathetic that whilst everyone else in their 20s talks of how much they've grown, my story is more like a regression.
 
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elusive97

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VentureVoyager

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First time feeling suicidal in over a month, why can't things get better, why can't I see the way forward
I'm sorry to hear that. I have been struggling with depression since 2012, off and on. Suicidial thoughts and hellish anxiety and other terrific attractions included.
I'm not sure how it started. Maybe it was bad mushroom trip, or maybe my girlfriend dying, or just toxic environment (my family is super neurotic).

Anyway, my story is quite similiar. I sucessfuly started a self-pub biz in 2014 and was able to pull it off very quickly and go from 0 to 5 and then $10k monthly. I was hustling like crazy for 2 years.

Then the depression hit me and things went awry. I lost direction, motivation, I couldn't seem to make any decisions at all anymore, it's like I lost myself entirely.

Last 2 years were rather dark. I went back from Asia to Poland, I thinking I would only stay there for 3 months, as I wanted to go back to my beloved Thailand and Bali asap. But in the meantime I've found that:
1) I had Lyme disease, many different strains of Borellia, at least 4. One is enough to destroy your body or kill you, literally.
2) I had Hashimoto's
3) I had Candida
4) My hair started falling
5) I had no energy at all and life seemed pointless
etc.
So last 2 years I've been struggling with health issues and depression. the fact that I couldn't live where I wanted and how I wanted any more didn't help.

On top of that, my business took a nose dive down when it comes to income, I couldn't get myself to start a new one and a girl who said she loved me and would support me (and it's worth mentioning that thanks to me she was able to find a job online and start making 3x the income working 3x less and becoming location independent) dumped me at my lowest and didn't hesitate to post super happy pictures with a new guy a week later, without even telling me that we were done. All that after I told her that my best friend probably had a lung cancer. So... :D
Shit happens as they say.

I'm telling all this so you don't feel alone. It's easy to fall into an illusion that life should be easy, successful, always peaches and cream, but in reality success is a privilege of a few.
Being born in Europe is a privilege already.
Having false expectations fcks us up too. And social media and the general "success narrative" doesn't help either.

Look:
1) I lived in the UK (Wales) for some time and it can be a pretty depressive place. For me, as for MJ, weather is a very important factor. I just can't stand dark and gloomy weather. Just can't. Have you ever considered moving some place sunny, changing evironment completely? People say it's just escaping the problem, but I don't think so. Do EVERYTHING you can to improve your situation and feel better. It works for me. I feel around 5x better in a tropical or medditeranean climate. Polish, and northern winters in general, kill me.
I'm now in Mexico and it's like reeeeaaaaally good antidepressants.

2) Have you ever checked your physical health, thoroughly? Lyme disease, Hashimoto's (antibodies), thyroid (ft3, ft4?) and other blood/hormone tests?

3) Have you checked your VIT D levels? The lower it gets the biggest chance of getting chronically sick, depressed etc. In this type of climate you're living in, it's a must to get D3K2 in large amounts. Preferably in liquid form. It should be not lower than 80-120.

4) Do you have a list of meds, therapies and things you've tried to get better? It's a good idea to systematize this journey a bit.

For me, working with a natural therapists/dietician and changing location helped A LOT.
Now I'm left with only a fraction of the health problems I used to have (he cured what docs told me was physically impossible to cure, lol), and the chaos in my life (being "homeless" as my apartament is located in my hometown and I don't want to live there, not having one fixed location to live with great people and support, no good ideas for a new biz etc)


And if you want to talk, send me a message.
 
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