I've always been an entrepreneur, for as long as I can remember. I never bought into the blue pill corporate system (the slow lane) that the majority of our society subscribes to. When you're a kid, you dream of being a rock star or a race car driver. I know I did. But even back then, I also had dreams of doing something cool that didn't involve fame. It was obvious to me at an early age that I was entrepreneurial. I wanted to do it my way and buck the system.
What I didn't anticipate way back then, is being 47 years old and spending most of my adult life working in the corporate world, failing to achieve those dreams. And being deeply unhappy as a result. Outside of a 5 year stint where I didn't quite make enough money from my full time self-employed income, I have had the regular 9-5 job that I never really wanted. During that short stint, where I should have changed course sooner, but kept at it anyway, I racked up quite a bit of credit card debt, believing I could make it work, believing you had to invest everything you had and then some to make something succeed. Looking back, I'm surprised my wife was supportive of all that. I finally changed course and got another job, then another, and before you know it, 15 years have flown by working for someone else.
That last failure pushed me to take a break pursuing my self employment dream for several years. It was refreshing to just take a break from all of the obsession and exhausting work, and just collect a paycheck. So much less stress. We had 2 daughters in that time and pursuing my childhood dream took a back seat. I settled into the slow lane for about 3-5 years.
About 8 years ago, I realized I needed to get back on the horse, and push to make it happen. While working for someone else this whole time, I still had some side hustle money from online forums that I owned, which required little time to maintain and it acted as a reminder of what was still possible. Though the stability of a regular paycheck had been comforting, I knew I wasn't cut out to be a cog in someone else's business plans, with no path for the freedom and experiences I've long yearned for. So I started working on new projects again, while taking on some side work to get some more skills in some of the directions I might go. I get involved in this forum and other groups. I was determined to get to where I wanted to be, and nothing was going to stop me.
Well, as of today, after many more failed ventures, I'm still employed full time and don't have a clear path to get to where I want to be. My latest venture has even put us in more debt than the last time I racked up credit card debt. What's been so infuriating is that I know my dreams are possible. I see people around me achieving similar dreams. Being a member of this forum (and others) has shown me that it's completely possible. I just haven't been able to crack the code. I've spent the better part of 25 years trying. And up until recently, I had no doubts I would eventually get there. Work your a$$ off. Identify opportunities. Take risks. It will happen. Or..... maybe it won't.
There is one thing I would suggest to others who have gone down this path and have not been able to succeed the way they thought they were going to - take care of your mental health along the way. This is something I haven't done, and I'm in a real bad place because of it. I find myself thinking about ways I might leave this earth that would be the least traumatic for my family to endure, allowing them to make use of insurance money, instead of being subjected to my cynical, bitter attitude, and constant failures bringing them down. These tend to be fleeting thoughts, but they have become more frequent with the latest business failures. The self loathing, the constant feelings of hopelessness and being numb, the inability to talk to my wife about it, knowing that it would be futile. These are all things you should probably pay attention to before they become debilitating and all-consuming. Address them early on. Prepare for the times when they are too much to endure.
I don't know if a loss of testosterone can be attributed to these feelings or not, but at this age, that might be something to look into as well. It would probably be a good idea to talk to a therapist when these thoughts start sneaking into your subconscious. Don't listen to yourself when you say that talking to somebody about it won't change the fact that you don't believe you'll ever be able to achieve your dreams, so what's the point of continuing to play the game? Those thoughts tend to become cemented in your psyche after many years.
If you can find joy in the journey, that is key. I haven't been able to. Find hobbies and experiences that bring you joy and do them. Unfortunately, most of the things that have always brought me joy require money, and so I put them off until I "make it". I can't think of many activities that bring me much joy these days. Sure, there is always excitement starting on new projects, but when each one fails or brings only marginal results, that excitement fades. It makes it harder to get excited about future ideas. I also haven't found joy in the idea of giving up on my life-long dreams and giving into the slow lane. But I've come to the realization that there is a chance that I may never get to where I have always wanted to be. And I don't know how to reconcile with that. It just doesn't compute. And I feel like I have some tough decisions to make.
I have a great family that I love and that loves me, and we live a fairly comfortable middle class life. I've been happily married for nearly 23 years. It's just not the type of life I have always worked hard towards having, or the one I always felt I would have - at least from a financial and freedom stand point. But shouldn't it be enough? Should I continue trying new ideas until something hits? I'm exhausted dealing with myself. I've become such a paradox it's not even funny. I know the deep pain and mental anguish others feel that they don't share with anyone. I understand what it can do to you.
I honestly don't know why I'm posting this here. I have nowhere else to post these words, but I feel like I should post them somewhere. Not to get help from anyone, as I don't feel like anyone can truly help me. Only I can help me, but I'm failing at that too. I'm not looking for a pep talk or attention. I'm really not. None of my family members or friends would ever understand any of this. But maybe by posting this here, in this community, someone else out there might be able to relate and maybe they'll see the importance of making their mental health a priority while they go through the difficult journey of being an entrepreneur. Don't end up like me. Bitter. Cynical. Angry. Anguish. Disgusted. With a "F*ck it all" attitude. Keeping it all inside and never letting anyone know about it.
Invest in your mental well being early on in the process. Know that the journey can be soul crushing, no matter how determined you are. No matter how positive you start out or how relentless you think you are. Working on your mental health can only do you good. I wish I had done it - or found a way to be perfectly content with the blue pill. One of the two. Maybe there's still time to do one or the other, or both. I don't really know. But I do know that failing your whole life takes a huge toll. And you'd better be prepared to deal with failures more than you think you need to be.
There is a lot of great advice in this forum. And I thank all of those who have taken the time to share it. I salute all of those who have persevered and achieved their dreams. I know it wasn't easy. I'm deeply envious. I hope others who come through here are able to make their dreams come true. Here's the only advice I feel qualified enough to share - do take care of yourself in the process. There may come a time when it will save you.
What I didn't anticipate way back then, is being 47 years old and spending most of my adult life working in the corporate world, failing to achieve those dreams. And being deeply unhappy as a result. Outside of a 5 year stint where I didn't quite make enough money from my full time self-employed income, I have had the regular 9-5 job that I never really wanted. During that short stint, where I should have changed course sooner, but kept at it anyway, I racked up quite a bit of credit card debt, believing I could make it work, believing you had to invest everything you had and then some to make something succeed. Looking back, I'm surprised my wife was supportive of all that. I finally changed course and got another job, then another, and before you know it, 15 years have flown by working for someone else.
That last failure pushed me to take a break pursuing my self employment dream for several years. It was refreshing to just take a break from all of the obsession and exhausting work, and just collect a paycheck. So much less stress. We had 2 daughters in that time and pursuing my childhood dream took a back seat. I settled into the slow lane for about 3-5 years.
About 8 years ago, I realized I needed to get back on the horse, and push to make it happen. While working for someone else this whole time, I still had some side hustle money from online forums that I owned, which required little time to maintain and it acted as a reminder of what was still possible. Though the stability of a regular paycheck had been comforting, I knew I wasn't cut out to be a cog in someone else's business plans, with no path for the freedom and experiences I've long yearned for. So I started working on new projects again, while taking on some side work to get some more skills in some of the directions I might go. I get involved in this forum and other groups. I was determined to get to where I wanted to be, and nothing was going to stop me.
Well, as of today, after many more failed ventures, I'm still employed full time and don't have a clear path to get to where I want to be. My latest venture has even put us in more debt than the last time I racked up credit card debt. What's been so infuriating is that I know my dreams are possible. I see people around me achieving similar dreams. Being a member of this forum (and others) has shown me that it's completely possible. I just haven't been able to crack the code. I've spent the better part of 25 years trying. And up until recently, I had no doubts I would eventually get there. Work your a$$ off. Identify opportunities. Take risks. It will happen. Or..... maybe it won't.
There is one thing I would suggest to others who have gone down this path and have not been able to succeed the way they thought they were going to - take care of your mental health along the way. This is something I haven't done, and I'm in a real bad place because of it. I find myself thinking about ways I might leave this earth that would be the least traumatic for my family to endure, allowing them to make use of insurance money, instead of being subjected to my cynical, bitter attitude, and constant failures bringing them down. These tend to be fleeting thoughts, but they have become more frequent with the latest business failures. The self loathing, the constant feelings of hopelessness and being numb, the inability to talk to my wife about it, knowing that it would be futile. These are all things you should probably pay attention to before they become debilitating and all-consuming. Address them early on. Prepare for the times when they are too much to endure.
I don't know if a loss of testosterone can be attributed to these feelings or not, but at this age, that might be something to look into as well. It would probably be a good idea to talk to a therapist when these thoughts start sneaking into your subconscious. Don't listen to yourself when you say that talking to somebody about it won't change the fact that you don't believe you'll ever be able to achieve your dreams, so what's the point of continuing to play the game? Those thoughts tend to become cemented in your psyche after many years.
If you can find joy in the journey, that is key. I haven't been able to. Find hobbies and experiences that bring you joy and do them. Unfortunately, most of the things that have always brought me joy require money, and so I put them off until I "make it". I can't think of many activities that bring me much joy these days. Sure, there is always excitement starting on new projects, but when each one fails or brings only marginal results, that excitement fades. It makes it harder to get excited about future ideas. I also haven't found joy in the idea of giving up on my life-long dreams and giving into the slow lane. But I've come to the realization that there is a chance that I may never get to where I have always wanted to be. And I don't know how to reconcile with that. It just doesn't compute. And I feel like I have some tough decisions to make.
I have a great family that I love and that loves me, and we live a fairly comfortable middle class life. I've been happily married for nearly 23 years. It's just not the type of life I have always worked hard towards having, or the one I always felt I would have - at least from a financial and freedom stand point. But shouldn't it be enough? Should I continue trying new ideas until something hits? I'm exhausted dealing with myself. I've become such a paradox it's not even funny. I know the deep pain and mental anguish others feel that they don't share with anyone. I understand what it can do to you.
I honestly don't know why I'm posting this here. I have nowhere else to post these words, but I feel like I should post them somewhere. Not to get help from anyone, as I don't feel like anyone can truly help me. Only I can help me, but I'm failing at that too. I'm not looking for a pep talk or attention. I'm really not. None of my family members or friends would ever understand any of this. But maybe by posting this here, in this community, someone else out there might be able to relate and maybe they'll see the importance of making their mental health a priority while they go through the difficult journey of being an entrepreneur. Don't end up like me. Bitter. Cynical. Angry. Anguish. Disgusted. With a "F*ck it all" attitude. Keeping it all inside and never letting anyone know about it.
Invest in your mental well being early on in the process. Know that the journey can be soul crushing, no matter how determined you are. No matter how positive you start out or how relentless you think you are. Working on your mental health can only do you good. I wish I had done it - or found a way to be perfectly content with the blue pill. One of the two. Maybe there's still time to do one or the other, or both. I don't really know. But I do know that failing your whole life takes a huge toll. And you'd better be prepared to deal with failures more than you think you need to be.
There is a lot of great advice in this forum. And I thank all of those who have taken the time to share it. I salute all of those who have persevered and achieved their dreams. I know it wasn't easy. I'm deeply envious. I hope others who come through here are able to make their dreams come true. Here's the only advice I feel qualified enough to share - do take care of yourself in the process. There may come a time when it will save you.
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