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NOTABLE! How do you stop hating yourself?

PinPointing

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?
Couldn’t read all responses but wanted to give a few ideas

1-See a therapist. Make sure it’s one you connect with. I’ve seen them in the past. I could tell the first couple I met with couldn’t understand me. Usually theyre genuine and want to help people so I told them it didn’t feel like a good fit and asked if they could recommend someone going through things like myself.

2- Find something to progress in. For me it was my health and fitness but it could be anything that interests you and is difficult. It reminded me what it feels like to win and improve myself. This carried over to other aspects of my life.
 

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RayAndré

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2- Find something to progress in. For me it was my health and fitness but it could be anything that interests you and is difficult. It reminded me what it feels like to win and improve myself. This carried over to other aspects of my life.
From "Delivering Happiness":
“Happiness is really just about four things: perceived control, perceived progress, connectedness (number and depth of your relationships), and vision/meaning (being part of something bigger than yourself).” - Tony Hsieh
What in your life gives you perceived control?
What in your life gives you perceived progress?
...connectedness?
...vision/meaning?
 
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404profound

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From "Delivering Happiness":


What in your life gives you perceived control?
What in your life gives you perceived progress?
...connectedness?
...vision/meaning?
Control has always been the biggest motivator for me, and also the thing I've never been able to find.

I'm currently progressing by training myself in web development, about 5 hours a day after work and on weekends. I'm getting good, but not good enough. I am undecided in my goal; whether I will aim for a developer role or try to build my own app (which will require learning a full stack instead of just stuff in the browser). I have some carefully researched app ideas that may prove fruitful with more customer validation. So, that will be the next major decision. Either way, I agree that it helps to be engaged in self-development towards some end, whether the next step is being a developer or going rogue.
 

socaldude

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Low self-esteem happens when you feel like your environment has mastered you rather than you mastering your environment.

Our mind is actually our number one tool of survival and when we contemplate how it has failed us we feel a tremendous loss of self-esteem.

And vice versa, when we feel like we have a mind that is adequate in standing up to difficult problems and capable of being aware we feel a sense of optimism and self-confidence. To have confidence in something means to TRUST something. People who have low self esteem don't TRUST their capabilities or mind. And "self" is another synonym for mind.

The result is a self-fulfilling prophecy and catch-22: Low-self esteem-->Don't even try to be aware or solve problems-->More negative contemplation--->low self-esteem.

Self-esteem isn't something you just "wish" for or use your "free will" to get. You have to work for it. Being self-aware is hard. Probably the most difficult thing in life IMO. It's something you DO. It's a behavior. Its a mental activity.

You need to be on the other side of the catch-22.

Zero external feedback is needed. Only feedback that is need is when we improve ourselves and our thinking.

If external feedback were needed it wouldn't be called self-esteem it would be called other-esteem.

When you say you hate yourself you are actually saying you hate your own mind, what goes on inside it and how it has let you down.

You can't hate yourself when you realize all the problems that your mind has helped you solve, become aware of, accepted, integrated. You would love it.

Start there. Be a problem solver. Be a master of awareness. It starts with your mind.
 

madmoney

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I've been struggling with this for quite some time and this is what I do.
1)Take some pre workout and take it out of the weights. I take out all my frustration and angry out on them. Gets me through tough times and self loathing.
2) your the hardest critique of yourself, take it easy.
3) free time is devils playground. Figure out want you real want to do or call success and just break it down to tiny tiny tasks, and do one task everyday.
4)Train yourself to silence the voice is your head, its not your true voice.
5) read the mood cure, sometimes its your diet as well
 

LittleJohn

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?
You continue to love yourself by working at it. What does this mean? For one thing you focus on the positive. Sounds cliche but when you think about it, this means you consciously decide to think about what is good and right in your thoughts and with your words. To break it down further you think and speak in the affirmative (like how I re-framed your Title to, "Continue to Love yourself") - you think and speak about what you want instead of what you dont want. Overtime this self suggestion imprints on the subconscious and you form a habit of feeding yourself positive suggestion. Remember Henry Fords, "Whether you think you can or you think you cant your right." So true.

Just taking the title of this thread, "How do you stop hating yourself?" I would never make a thread with a title like this because by doing so actually affirms in your mind that you hate yourself. The mind is a powerful thing. Always remember to treat it kindly!

Based on your OP, I say kudos to you for trying multiple things to try and alter your course. Most people don't even have the wherewithal to gain consciousness that they would be better off even trying to change their circumstances. This is the first step and you are taking it. Continue taking steps and continue learning.
 

LittleJohn

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Do you have mercury amalgam fillings? If yes, that could be the cause since it is a symptom of mercury toxicity.

After my biological dentist took them out safely and replace them with safer material, my self esteem soared.
Are you serious? Bizarre..
 

babyballer

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Are you serious? Bizarre..
I am 100% serious.

You can read the book called Amalgam Illness by Andrew Cutler. It is no longer in print but you can get a soft copy at libgen.io.
 

babyballer

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Low self-esteem happens when you feel like your environment has mastered you rather than you mastering your environment.
I have a different opinion to this, and I have anecdotal experience since I used to have very low self esteem.

This is my theory. I think low self esteem is caused by hormone imbalance and/or environmental toxicity (heavy metals like mercury, alumunium, and lead).

Men will feel sense of well being the most when these hormone levels are in optimal ranges:

1) testosterone,
2) DHT,
3) androstenedione,
4) and DHEA

Through blood work, I found out that I had low levels of testosterone (total and free) as well as DHT. Also I had mercury amalgams. Once I fixed these issues, the self esteem raised naturally back to its normal level.
 

babyballer

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I've been struggling with this for quite some time and this is what I do.
1)Take some pre workout and take it out of the weights. I take out all my frustration and angry out on them. Gets me through tough times and self loathing.
2) your the hardest critique of yourself, take it easy.
3) free time is devils playground. Figure out want you real want to do or call success and just break it down to tiny tiny tasks, and do one task everyday.
4)Train yourself to silence the voice is your head, its not your true voice.
5) read the mood cure, sometimes its your diet as well
As for point no 5, I think most can benefit from implementing ketogenic diet. It is totally a game changer. Mental clarity, mental energy, focus, less sleep, optimism, etc.
 
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404profound

404profound

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Why are you still working there? Also, if you meet resistance and that demotivates you, you need to find a new method. I wouldn't assume everything you are doing is the right approach. It might seems the best and most correct to you but clearly it isn't for your boss'es or the business. This is the same when you run your own company as well.



If you want your output directly tied to income and value production, then its time to get a sales job, seriously. You will never be in a 1:1 or 1:1+ output to money situation outside of sales. So if that is truly the reason you feed yourself, then step up and see what you can do.



Expectations will never be clear and you will be bombarded by new problems every day. Also, customers don't care about you or value your effort. They care only about what you can do for them, which is MUCH worse than working for a company. This is something a great dose of perspective can help you right now, while you shift gears.



The words you use here make it sound as though you are serving a duty. You have a choice to be working there or anywhere else. You can make the decision to change jobs or work somewhere else. You do not get to feel sorry for yourself here because it's your choice. If you aren't happy, what is holding you in place?



I don't think you have to be someone else for anyone. But I think you are very focused on the point and not the process. The reason I am focused on changing your perspective in your job, is because it's the best precursor you can get to running a company in your situation. You are having a hard time staying motivated there and need external factors to provide for you. Rather, you should be making that happen yourself. Stand up, take control back of your identity and make the changes in life that set you on the right path.

You have the right tool set from there to recognize an opportunity and capitalize on it when you see it, so give it some time and don't let that time fuel your disdain for not being there. Sometimes it takes a while.


My first business, i just bought equipment and started from absolute 0. I have no idea how i really even got into it, i just did.



So what changed? and what in your mind will let you see yourself for who you are again? Is the all american athlete really lost? Maybe you are just on the wrong path and forgot?

It sounds like it's time to change directions. That can be as easy or as difficult as you believe it will. Your beliefs here will become your reality. You could be headed in a whole new direction in weeks if you wanted too, you just need to make a choice and a decision.




You haven't been incapable, it sounds like the right opportunity isn't there yet. It will come, but are you even prepared and in the right mindset for it? It takes a lot of self motivation and resilience to not just start something, but keep it running and profitable after all the fun and easy stuff is done. If you had a business that was making $10M/year, would you had it over to yourself right now in the state you are in if everything was at stake? Would you look for someone that is hungry, ready, confident, and know without a doubt that they would crush it and do anything it takes to turn that $10m into $20m/yr?
I've taken a good bit of time to reflect on these, have come to and accepted some harsh truths. So I will contribute what I've come up with below.

1. Why am I still working there?

Fear. I had to drill down a while to come to this root cause. Fear is the anchor that sustains this bad commitment. But it isn't just any fear, it's a fear that has to do with adaptability. Above all else, the script neuters grown men. It strips them of their audacity and creativity and places life in the confines of a rigid hierarchy. Granted I am 27 and haven't really been in this game too long, I have been in long enough to recognize that I'm not as gritty or tolerant of anguish as I once was (for example, shoveling driveways and selling lemonade to pay for meals as a kid). I had more commitment and perseverance as a teenager than I do now. I do think that element of my being is intact, but it will take serious effort to revive it.

2. If I'm not happy, what is holding me in place?

To build on my last answer, I would say low confidence and 'not having cast the first stone' on my entrepreneurial path. I tend to be very binary, I am all in, or not in. I have to change this mindset, because I will need to gradually share time between entrepreneurship and work until I gain momentum. So part of it is a search for something that can be done with quality part time while still holding down my JOB. I don't want to start something and not give it the effort it needs to provide value to others.

3. So what changed? and what in your mind will let you see yourself for who you are again? Is the all american athlete really lost? Maybe you are just on the wrong path and forgot?

This one brought a lot of awareness. What changed is I stopped competing. Not just in an athletic sense, but in a life sense. I went for broke investing my identity in sports, and when my athletic career ended I more or less lost my sense of self (I seriously had to dwell on this for hours to come to this realization). I measured my own worth against my athletic performance. So I never actually replaced that measure with something else, and wound up coasting, aimlessly. I'm certainly on the wrong path, and I had forgotten (or never actually knew) where I should be going. I would say MJs book is when I knew that another path was needed.

Ultimately, the net effect of these reflections is an understanding that it's time to compete again. I have to find something that I can take pride in, and do it so well that the outcome matches the feeling that came from being an All-American.
 

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StompingAcorns

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2. If I'm not happy, what is holding me in place?

To build on my last answer, I would say low confidence and 'not having cast the first stone' on my entrepreneurial path. I tend to be very binary, I am all in, or not in. I have to change this mindset, because I will need to gradually share time between entrepreneurship and work until I gain momentum. So part of it is a search for something that can be done with quality part time while still holding down my JOB. I don't want to start something and not give it the effort it needs to provide value to others.
1. I disagree. I've only skimmed some posts, but didn't you say you've been learning to code 5 hrs a day? You have cast many stones! Give yourself credit where credit is due.

2. Here's a challenge for you. (You don't have to post any of this.)
  • Right now, list your top 3 business ideas. Don't overthink it - best guess, what are the top 3.
  • Take 5 minutes per idea and jot down any and every action you can think of to get this business off the ground.
  • Take those lists and week 1, work on idea 1, week 2, work on idea 2, and week 3, work on idea 3. Set the coding aside. Dedicate all your focus to actually working on building these businesses.
Use that "go all in" in time increments. Go all in for a week. Then repeat twice. Then see what happens.
 
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404profound

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1. I disagree. I've only skimmed some posts, but didn't you say you've been learning to code 5 hrs a day? You have cast many stones! Give yourself credit where credit is due.

2. Here's a challenge for you. (You don't have to post any of this.)
  • Right now, list your top 3 business ideas. Don't overthink it - best guess, what are the top 3.
  • Take 5 minutes per idea and jot down any and every action you can think of to get this business off the ground.
  • Take those lists and week 1, work on idea 1, week 2, work on idea 2, and week 3, work on idea 3. Set the coding aside. Dedicate all your focus to actually working on building these businesses.
Use that "go all in" in time increments. Go all in for a week. Then repeat twice. Then see what happens.
I appreciate this advice.

I caught myself coming up with excuses to dismiss this approach for x, y, z reason, but this is the reaction I have to vanquish - too much analysis. Instead, I will just try this and see what happens.
 

BlueMoon

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Haven't read all the advice here but in my experience what really helped was looking myself in the eye in the mirror each morning and telling myself over and over again:

1. [your name] I love you no matter what.
2. [your name] I forgive you for everything.
3. [your name] I promise you that xyz.

Sounds trivial but you'd be surprised how many people (including myself) got very emotional the first couple of times doing this. We are taught many things in life but learning how to love ourselves was never part of the curriculum.
 

babyballer

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Haven't read all the advice here but in my experience what really helped was looking myself in the eye in the mirror each morning and telling myself over and over again:

1. [your name] I love you no matter what.
2. [your name] I forgive you for everything.
3. [your name] I promise you that xyz.

Sounds trivial but you'd be surprised how many people (including myself) got very emotional the first couple of times doing this. We are taught many things in life but learning how to love ourselves was never part of the curriculum.
Sorry but I think if you get emotional just by saying these to yourself, you definitely have an estrogen imbalance. Check your E2 levels.
 

MidwestLandlord

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I didn't read all the responses, but here is my .02

FOCUS ON THE PLAN, NOT THE PROBLEM

Let's say you have a business that made you $10 million, and you want to get to $11 million.

What would you do to get there?

You'd take the systems you already have, and implement a plan that earns another million. You'd adjust the plan as you go to account for issues that come up and account for market feedback...right?

Seems easy in that situation. You automatically focus on the plan (get another million), and not the problem (I don't have another million)

Now let's say you have a net worth of ZERO, and you want to make $1 million.

It's the exact same thing, earn $1 million, but it seems so much harder even just reading it! Why??

Because you focus on the PROBLEM.

You automatically focus on the problem (My net worth is ZERO! Where do I even start!?!?), instead of the plan (how do I make $1 million? What systems and processes do I need? What pain points can I solve?)

It's easy to focus on the problem when starting from legit scarcity. Human nature and all that.

HOWEVER...

The mindset needs to be the same as the $10 million example. Focus on the PLAN, not the PROBLEM.

Why would the mindset be different starting from zero? There's no rational reason why the mindset should be different, but it is, because of EMOTIONS due to MINDSET.

I would argue that the mindset of focusing on the PLAN is even more important starting from zero!

You can use this for everything in life.

"I don't like working for other people and want income without having an employer"

You can sit there and focus on how much you hate your job, your boss, and yourself for not taking action...or you can focus on the PLAN of how to fix it.

"I will have to balance both starting a business and working to pay the bills"

Yep, you will. But that is focusing on the problem. What's the PLAN?

Focusing on the plan increases self-confidence (through taking control via action), helps with an abundance mindset as you start having "wins" (no matter how small those wins are), and increases mental energy (as you redirect your thoughts)

You'll be amazed how some problems seem much smaller (like balancing work and a business), when you increase your mental energy by focusing on the plan.

"I'VE LEARNED THAT PEOPLE WILL FORGET WHAT YOU SAID, PEOPLE WILL FORGET WHAT YOU DID, BUT PEOPLE WILL NEVER FORGET HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL" - Maya Angelou

We don't hate people because of who they are.
We don't hate people because of what they are.

We hate because of how we FELT.

(let's ignore the fact that hating them because of how they "made us" feel is outcome dependent [your emotions are dependent on their actions], immature, and doesn't take responsibility for ourselves)

If we hate because of how we FELT, and we hate ourselves...isn't it because of how we are making ourselves feel??

If I focus on the problem and not the PLAN...how am I making myself feel?

Now what if I focused on the PLAN instead? How would I feel then?

SOME REAL TALK

It's harder to start from zero with anything. Of course it is. As I said above, the systems and processes don't exist...yet.

But those systems and processes will NEVER exist if I focus on the problem and not on the plan to fix it.

Come up with a plan (doesn't matter if it's the right plan), implement the plan, then adjust the plan as you go.

You can teach yourself to focus on the plan.

Hope this helps.
 

TylerH1994

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Because you focus on the PROBLEM.

You automatically focus on the problem (My net worth is ZERO! Where do I even start!?!?), instead of the plan (how do I make $1 million? What systems and processes do I need? What pain points can I solve?)

It's easy to focus on the problem when starting from legit scarcity. Human nature and all that.

HOWEVER...

The mindset needs to be the same as the $10 million example. Focus on the PLAN, not the PROBLEM.

Why would the mindset be different starting from zero? There's no rational reason why the mindset should be different, but it is, because of EMOTIONS due to MINDSET.

I would argue that the mindset of focusing on the PLAN is even more important starting from zero!

You can use this for everything in life.
Wow, @404profound. I definitely can resonate with some things you have posted first off, so thank you for being open. When things like this are asked, you aren't the only one receiving help. And @MidwestLandlord and others have dropped some extremely valuable insight.

I think a lot of people feel like this. It really just goes to show that no matter who looks like they are just killing it at life, there are always ebbs and flows. And like the quote above says, it's all about how you attack once you feel like this.

You mentioned in one of your responses that you felt much more determined in college. I really think the core of this is because you were successful at something, AND your life was structured.

You had a plan, and you weren't just following through on it. You were GOOD at following through on it. That's what makes the change in my book. You weren't just wandering through the days with no course of action... you were taking control (even when a lot of your life is scheduled with things like classes, practices, etc).

Lots of great advice in here, and I really think you have everything in here to completely change your life around. It's just about what you do with it. Adopt a mindset of not caring what others think, make a plan, and start getting some wins under your belt.

Since you were an all-American athlete, you know what it takes to win.

Also: You might consider turning this thread into it's own form of progress thread. I bet a lot of people who have given you advice would really be glad to see you start to turn things around in terms of mindset.

Just my 2 cents.
 

sparechange

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?

I feel the same way, although considering even MJ and many others struggled for years also, that should make you feel a bit better.

Take small wins here and there. Helps me, if it was easy no-one would be slaving away some shitty job and we would all be flying private jets around the world
 
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404profound

404profound

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I feel the same way, although considering even MJ and many others struggled for years also, that should make you feel a bit better.

Take small wins here and there. Helps me, if it was easy no-one would be slaving away some sh*tty job and we would all be flying private jets around the world
That's a fair point. Resilience seems to be a major factor - or grit as it's more often referred to.
 

Vanesco

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This condition can bring a person to depression and to rash acts. If you yourself cannot cope with that, it is better to apply to a professional.
 

ManlyMansNegator

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Simple:

Always believe you are the best, constant reaffirmation worked for me.
 

Xirtam

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?
One simple thing that I have learned and that helps me when I feel the same way is to start smiling and if no one is around, I start laughing. I know it seems silly, but I read a book (sorry I forget which one) that stated that our brains really can't make a distinction between reality and fiction and that the brain just supports us by following along with what we tell it and by what we believe. For example, if I am angry my brain will compliment me with other angry thoughts and may respond with physical reactions like a stomach ache, loss of appetite, depression, headache etc. Now, this is the interesting bit: If I start to smile and continue to do so (may be a bit weird at first), my brain interprets my smile as me being happy and will give me "good" feelings to support me. Laughing works too.

Tony Robbins said something that stuck with me; he said that (paraphrased) you cannot be mad, anxious, and in a bad mood while also being grateful. So when I feel depressed and the other feelings mentioned above, I start thinking of things that I am grateful for and while I am focusing on these, I feel better :)
 

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LightHouse

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@404profound There is lots of great advice and perspective here.

Now it is your turn to let us know how things have changed and where you are at now...
 
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404profound

404profound

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@404profound There is lots of great advice and perspective here.

Now it is your turn to let us know how things have changed and where you are at now...
Fair enough.

I am still hating every moment of life, from sun up to sun down, but for different reasons. I have a target, Ihave been taking action every day towards it (building an application and learning javascript / Node on a very deep level). The problem for me is the conflict that continues to strengthen between my job and my pursuit outside of ny job. The more progress I make with programming, the more I feel dead inside at work. I have probably applied to 300+ jobs since starting there to no avail. So where I am at in sum is a hollow resentful shell of a person striving to do something with high impact in the programming sphere, hopefully before I off myself.
 

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