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How do you stop hating yourself?

D

Deleted50669

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?
 
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lowtek

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By valuing the process of becoming, rather than valuing the outcome.

Everything you've done that didn't work, every "failure", every frustration, has lead you to where you are. You can't change the past, but you can decide how you're going to move forward.

Either be bitter you're not where you want to be, or be happy that you're awake enough to be on the path.

The choice is yours my friend.
 

LaraJF

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Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself of all the awesome in your life. Limit yourself to three things you HAVE to get done each day and then make sure you do them. You can do more, but make sure you do the three big ones. Then you'll start to feel momentum. Focus on one thing until you're successful. Unsubscribe from all the lists pushing new bright shiny objects. I'm not there yet either and I've failed a ton. But I have my dream and I'm not giving up on it. Make sure your end goal is clear also. That really helps when things get tough.
 

throttleforward

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0030HKYUG/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20
(There are free PDFs online)

I like what this book preaches: Maintain both a positive mental attitude as well as a piece of "inspirational dissatisfaction"

Also read the success stories here. A bunch have periods of failure.

Also, I read recently (I think from a post here) that the average self-made millionaire didn't achieve that status until reaching their 40's. Point being it takes a lot of work, failure, and time for most self-made millionaires to make it. Don't give up!
 
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D

Deleted50669

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By valuing the process of becoming, rather than valuing the outcome.

Everything you've done that didn't work, every "failure", every frustration, has lead you to where you are. You can't change the past, but you can decide how you're going to move forward.

Either be bitter you're not where you want to be, or be happy that you're awake enough to be on the path.

The choice is yours my friend.

Thank you for this perspective, LT.

I suppose that eludes to the fixed vs. growth mindset distinction. I have been falling into the fixed pattern, and it's toxic. This also reminds me that patience is important, which has always been my biggest weakness.
 
D

Deleted50669

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Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself of all the awesome in your life. Limit yourself to three things you HAVE to get done each day and then make sure you do them. You can do more, but make sure you do the three big ones. Then you'll start to feel momentum. Focus on one thing until you're successful. Unsubscribe from all the lists pushing new bright shiny objects. I'm not there yet either and I've failed a ton. But I have my dream and I'm not giving up on it. Make sure your end goal is clear also. That really helps when things get tough.

Thanks for this, Lara.

I've tried journaling before and it feels a bit awkward, but I know others who have said it helps. I think part of the problem is living in DC, not exactly the epicenter of driven and creative minds. Edward Demming once said "A bad system will defeat a good person every time." Perhaps I need a new system / environment.
 
D

Deleted50669

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0030HKYUG/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20
(There are free PDFs online)

I like what this book preaches: Maintain both a positive mental attitude as well as a piece of "inspirational dissatisfaction"

Also read the success stories here. A bunch have periods of failure.

Also, I read recently (I think from a post here) that the average self-made millionaire didn't achieve that status until reaching their 40's. Point being it takes a lot of work, failure, and time for most self-made millionaires to make it. Don't give up!

That's a good point about the average age of self-made millionaires. Not to sound condescending, but I think my goal is different than being a self-made millionaire. My goal is to own my time and no longer depend on a corporate shell to create value for others. In my mind it shouldn't take this long, but my approach has been ineffective. Must keep going, though. Thanks for sharing that.
 
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Laughingman21

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I do three things to keep me going:
  1. I surround myself with positive people and avoid the news. If you keep your surroundings negativity-free, it makes being positive far easier.
  2. Within every "failure" I find the lesson to be learned and make damned sure I don't repeat it.
  3. I remember that if I quit trying, I'll never get to my goals and that's a far more depressing thought than having a few set backs.
Something else that helped me was finding a good life coach to chat with. It's amazing how quickly they were able to help me turn negative self talk into positive action.
 

throttleforward

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Thanks for this, Lara.

I've tried journaling before and it feels a bit awkward, but I know others who have said it helps. I think part of the problem is living in DC, not exactly the epicenter of driven and creative minds. Edward Demming once said "A bad system will defeat a good person every time." Perhaps I need a new system / environment.
Several of us live in DC. I think there was a thread in the local meetup subgroup
 

StompingAcorns

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"How do you stop hating yourself?"

I've found that you cannot stop thoughts. You can only redirect them. So prepare some mental constructs ahead of time - identify some things that, when you think about them, you feel really good. It could be a memory, a future goal, a beautiful place, whatever. When you find yourself thinking any negative thought (why can't I succeed, I'm a failure, I must be stupid, I'm too impatient, I'm out of time, I'll never make it, etc.) simply redirect your attention to those good-feeling thoughts you prepared. Immerse yourself in the thought/image/movie (see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, etc.) and let it shift your emotions. Once you do that, it will be easier to take the next step - positive action in the direction you desire.
 

Sheens

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Another thought is to make sure your focus is also on physical health.

It can be a vicious cycle to fall into a low time and then lose momentum in healthy solutions like great workouts. Keep on track, ramp it up, or set new goals. Your confidence in business will also improve.

Are you using a morning or evening routine as can be found in The Miracle Morning or a similar path? Getting out of bed could be your favorite moment of the day.

Or even an accountability partner to check in with for daily goals, action, results..? If this is a friend, you may not even have to pay them!
 
D

Deleted50669

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Several of us live in DC. I think there was a thread in the local meetup subgroup
Noce, I just noticed the DC location on your profile. Do you know if people are active in that subgroup? It'd be nice to connect with other fastlaners in the area for sure.
 
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D

Deleted50669

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"How do you stop hating yourself?"

I've found that you cannot stop thoughts. You can only redirect them. So prepare some mental constructs ahead of time - identify some things that, when you think about them, you feel really good. It could be a memory, a future goal, a beautiful place, whatever. When you find yourself thinking any negative thought (why can't I succeed, I'm a failure, I must be stupid, I'm too impatient, I'm out of time, I'll never make it, etc.) simply redirect your attention to those good-feeling thoughts you prepared. Immerse yourself in the thought/image/movie (see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, etc.) and let it shift your emotions. Once you do that, it will be easier to take the next step - positive action in the direction you desire.

Thanks for that advice. I will give that a try.
 
D

Deleted50669

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Another thought is to make sure your focus is also on physical health.

It can be a vicious cycle to fall into a low time and then lose momentum in healthy solutions like great workouts. Keep on track, ramp it up, or set new goals. Your confidence in business will also improve.

Are you using a morning or evening routine as can be found in The Miracle Morning or a similar path? Getting out of bed could be your favorite moment of the day.

Or even an accountability partner to check in with for daily goals, action, results..? If this is a friend, you may not even have to pay them!

I have always committed to physical health as a nonnegotiable part of my life. Having been a college athlete and now just a gym junkie, that's something I'll never compromise on. It keeps me relatively sane when I fall into these lulls. That being said, physical health only gets me so far until I ruminate on my failure and continuous mediocrity.
 

GMSI7D

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By valuing the process of becoming, rather than valuing the outcome.


.


but this is not the american way of life

we are on the fastlane forum. not on the becoming forum

we want wealth in 5 years not in 50 years

becoming something valuable requires a lot of time.

becoming is a lifelong process

trees don't grow for 5 years in order to retire for 40 years on the beach

they grow for ever
 
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andyhaus44

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Listen to positive affirmations often - even while you aleep
 

Sheens

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Great to hear you are staying so active!

I don't mean to sound trite (..again), but the fact that you aren't settling for mediocrity is actually necessary and the reason you won't always fail.

Have you found your next project? Using that passion to get yourself back to your top game and taking more action...

It has been incredibly cloudy in CO. No idea if DC is similar but making sure you have enough Vit D? Sleeping through the night? Clean life/plenty of water. Regular check-up. (Staring at numerous medical histories has taught me to automatically think of a few things)

Using this time to really develop the areas of your life that you have going so well on track (physical prowess), or spiritual, or relationship, etc. will help to spill over more and more residual confidence!
 

Bryan James

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My father had to see a therapist once because when he was a kid he decided play on a roof with a friend and the friend fell to his death; he'd been dealing with guilt problems for decades after. He told me something his therapist told him. Said "you can't blame yourself, because if you had known the outcome of the decision (the future), which is impossible, you wouldn't have made that decision. So you can't blame yourself". He said that it helped him. Hope that helps in some way.
 
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Mattie

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?

First you have to have a good understanding of yourself.
Second you have to have a good understanding how the world operates.
Third you have to have a good understanding of what is in your control and what is out of your control.
Fourth you have to understand the cause and effect of action or non-action.

Hating yourself is self-criticism. Beating yourself up or what is not in your control besides what is in your control. You can hate yourself, but it really only brings you down in low arousal, causes depression, anxiety, and stress. This is a personal choice how you see events.

This also has to do with whether you have black and white thinking, catastrophe thinking, or even if your over thinking. You have to know the different ways you think and change your emotional patterns and thought patterns. You also have to be observant of your thoughts, your interactions with others, the cause and effect of your thinking patterns, and how they make you feel.

Managing thoughts and emotions or regulating them is a daily routine of finding what works for you. None of us can tell you what works for you.

You can use meditation, motivational videos, positive affirmations, reading different types of books on psychology, character development, and personality. There are countless courses, vlog's, blog's, and books out there.
 

MetalGear

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  • Ruminate on something else, celebrate small wins, celebrate lessons learned
  • Your mind has a powerful way of bending experiences to negative or positive
  • Events by themselves are mostly neutral, we give them meaning
  • Look into the dreaded drama triangle
  • It sounds like you are stuck in the persecutor and victim phase
Power of TED* | The Drama Triangle – Escape the Drama Triangle with TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)

shiftshappen.jpg
 

LuckyPup

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?
My course has been very similar to yours, and I am also often filled with self-loathing. The only thing that helps me is taking daily action, and making incremental progress. When I focus on that - not on the grand vision in a distant rosy future or a dismal past full of f*ck ups - but on the small steps I need to take each day, only then do I feel like I've earned the right to be proud of myself. It's the only thing that raises my self-esteem.

I don't want to send you down a rabbit hole of distraction and action faking, and there's a whole world of books about self-esteem, etc., but Martin Meadows has a series of short books on this stuff. I like his books because they are quick reads that synthesize the good stuff that many other books bury in pages of fluff.

I realize self-help books aren't the answer - the solution has to come from within. However, sometimes they can be the shot in the arm you need to get going or change course. Hope this helps.
 
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LuckyPup

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  • Ruminate on something else, celebrate small wins, celebrate lessons learned
  • Your mind has a powerful way of bending experiences to negative or positive
  • Events by themselves are mostly neutral, we give them meaning
  • Look into the dreaded drama triangle
  • It sounds like you are stuck in the persecutor and victim phase
Power of TED* | The Drama Triangle – Escape the Drama Triangle with TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)

shiftshappen.jpg
Well dang. Here I thought I wrote a really good response, and then I scroll up to see your fancy illustration! (good stuff!)
 

LuckyPup

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?
I HIGHLY recommend watching this video where Dan Sullivan of the Strategic Coach explains how to avoid "the Gap."

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEoycpyyWP0
 

Shirkahn

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?

Failure is short term while success is long term. Don’t take your eyes off your goal.

Every failure is a learning opportunity and I can tell you I have learnt allot over the years but I have never let it deter me.

A simple mantra could help by saying to yourself: I love myself and money comes to me effortlessly.

This has helped me find focus again.
 
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YoungPadawan

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Smooth seas never made a skilled sailor.

All of these "failures" in your life teach you lessons that you would've never learned if you had never tried.

Keep going. Keep stepping up to the plate. All it takes is one success.
 
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Raoul Duke

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Last edited:

Ninjakid

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On one hand, you're probably too hard on yourself. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday. You've probably had several small successes along the way.

On the other hand, maybe you know you're not doing everything in your power to change your situation, and that realization is eating you.

Forgive yourself, and double down on your grind.

Listen to positive affirmations often - even while you aleep
And a little positive affirmations to start your day never hurt anyone.
 

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