Mindset Issue or How I can improve over my circumstances?

[skysnap]

I finished fastlane even before joining the forum. I think I remained lurker here for long time. So I decided to get some idea over some things that I have been struggling and that is causing me anxiety. I have been dealing with lot of issues since 2007 and I have damaged my health, mindset and lot of small things.

My background:
I got graduated in Electronics engg, with low grades so no company took me, and I had to search for jobs not related to my degree. Still I got my first job at 21, after college in 2007, the job was low paid tech admin job with extremely low salary. This remained till 2014, when I got laid off, I had to prepare for one certification for 4 months before getting another job. After that for next 5 years up till now, things are slow and steady. I am doing pretty okay at day job, and also doing freelance designing (Web+UX) during the weekend. So far things are okay and I can take care of myself. Never asked for money to parents or anyone. (I can thank freelancing for this, I never say no even to 10$ jobs. I know it's health draining but such approach helped me from going broke).

My finances:
I am saving 90% of my freelance savings on the top of day job salary, out of which I save around 60%. So savings wise I am okay but I have yet to reach the threshold where I can say FU to job and rely on freelancing (because freelance jobs are extremely random during weekdays and are more headache from client expectation vs payout part).

My personal life:
Single. Age 35 as of writing this thread. 50 hrs work week + freelancing included + gym daily 1 hour + 5 hrs sleep. Blood pressure in 160 to 180 range. Insomnia issue. Girlfriend in past purely used me till she could find another guy who earns 5X her salary and she can remain housewife (Culture supported approach). I have decided not to get married unless I get someone who is not dependent on me. I don't need their money, I just don't want leeches. Sorry not a blue pilled guy here, and culture don't let me stay red pilled either.

What's bugging me?
1. My parents & siblings constantly look down on me. In every step of the way I get insults, be it while paying bills in hotel. For example, I said, I tried this restaurant last month and then suddenly get interrupted by sister, do you even have money to eat out?.
2. My parents also want to use me for old age while disrespecting me in front of others. They send other people on me for lecture so that they can have my attention and money. I don't mind giving that just I don't want disrespect.
3. I'm being alienated by friends and siblings during family meetups and social places, even they tell their kids not to be around me. In fact they have taught the kids to insult me for my financial status being lower than theirs.
4. I absorb all the insults and then kind of keep it in head and do show them when time comes, at that time, they are like why are you like this, we didn't insulted you but why did you did this to us.
5. Family and other social chaos has caused me high blood pressure.
6. Most of the family and friends, want my presence when they have nobody in their boredom. And problem is no man can be an island and culture restricts me I can't get rid of them either.
7. I wanted to take trip to china once, but my family & friends were negatively bombarding on my plans like - what are you going to do there, where you are going to stay, how do you manage to travel, currency blah blah. Their power of negativity is so strong any plan you tell them, ends up dead. Like I got laid off 2 weeks before my planned trip to china. You can get the idea what type of people I am surrounded with.
8. I think my parents and siblings want me to stay low profile forever for my life while listening to them like doormat. And they don't want someone to push them back for whatever they say.

I know being Asian, my cultural beliefs and limitations are different from many here. But my survival and escapism response is lot different than many here but either way I wish to make changes.

What I am doing about it?
1. Every night before going to sleep I tell myself this all is pure garbage drama, none of them are going to be there for my old age and I have to just focus on my own money and progress, rest is just formality some day going to end.
2. I have managed to keep my finances steady enough but I show my salary as same old which was 10 years back to avoid my relatives assuming my days are changed. I don't want them to get jealous if my days changed.
3. I absorb lot of insults. But it has caused me a health issues.
4. I am also attempting to find business model which requires less of my time after I put in initial hours of work. Something I can automate or pay others to keep things going .
5. I am not going to tell family my real plans or I am going to tell them plans which I am not going to pursue but keep them in a loop about some sort of assumption, so that I can do different things but they assume I am doing the other.
6. I am not going to reveal my finances, or plan to reveal any form of progress happening in my life. I wish to hide as much as I can.

This is my current situation. Though I wish to focus completely on where I wish to be in future. But I think I am not sure what things to confront, what to let go and where to make changes.

Any inputs on focusing on future for finance and handling family and social circle much appreciated.

 

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[Bertram]

You have a brave attitude. You identify the sources of pain and health risks.
Low grades in college lower self-esteem and burden a person with guilt. Let that go. It's almost half your lifetime ago.
Guilt creates high stress. So does social alienation. You are emotionally invested in your family but they're not providing you with the essential psychological nourishment that all family members need. It sounds like they are making you sick. So you experience alienation in a roomful of them rather than the opposite. That will kill you slowly. It also sounds like you depend on their opinion and respect too much, even beyond cultural dynamics. You need to diminish their importance pronto. Keeping secrets about your finances is only 10 percent of what you can do to build better emotional boundaries.
Build up the value of your everyday social interactions with others, starting with the most elemental people, such as the mailman or cashier or distant co-worker.

At the same time, there is biological nourishment in being around family as opposed to never being with them. I have surprising news. Some of that family hunger has nothing to do with "what they think of me." Your mitochondria energize you and are responsible for basic physiological function. Even a bad dinner party with pissy relatives elevate like-kind mitochondria. That's part of the yearning and hunger when you're around the bastards.

But the stress load of toxic relatIonships can cancel out the benefits. You are equally responsible for the toxicity whenever you are offended by the clash of values. When you visit such relatives, just take the same attitude of visiting very sick people in the hospital.
You need to realize that you are more emotionally dependent on them than they are on you. The children are more dependent on their primary relatives, not on a cousin or uncle. Siblings have their spouses and children. Parents become more invested in childbearing children at this time in the lifespan. They care much, much, much less about you than you think. You don't notice this because you are single and you have never experienced the shift in attachment to a mate or children. Or the entrepreneur's shift in attachment from the "originary family" to a business, invention, or body of work. That's still waiting ahead, you lucky person.
You have the extra psychological burden around your family of being different due to intelligence and the personality style typical of engineers.
So now what?
Is it cultural belief which makes you choose such an uncomfortable existence? Or lack of confidence? It's the same thing.
You have one life.
Your family and you are not in sync. Let that go, it's no one's fault, actually. Take it lightly. Laugh about it. That is the fastest way to dismantle the hidden power of guilt and rage. Repeat: no one is to blame, even the rude family. They just don't get it.
Don't look for any understanding and validation from them at this time. It might come later. Meanwhile, who cares?
This bunch is not doing you any good besides activating mitochondria.
Your primary source of stress is social isolation.
This physical response is another biological universal. Social isolation is so harmful to health it's like smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Try to deepen your connections to others, especially in the two spheres of work and everyday existence. The everyday encounter is more healing than family. Say hello and look for a chance to make eye contact or mindfully read the faces of people you see everyday. It lowers stress and builds resilience better than anything else in this world.
The higher blood pressure is a direct result of poor sleep.
Read the book, "Why We Sleep," and stop beating up your brain and cardiovascular system.
The most effective way to find a compatible partner is through "social affines" or weak social links.
It sounds like you would greatly benefit by having genuine female friends who are not your awful female relatives that don't appreciate you or respect you.
You have projected that frustration and disappointment on almost all women. It is time to get to work and dismantle this obstacle to love. You will keep desiring the wrong women until you let go of anger towards female family members.
You're going to be around a long time. Get with good friends. Get proper sleep. Stay in touch.

 

[NursingTn]

You are on your deathbed. A little kid comes up to you, and ask you, "How did you overcome (insert trials, challenges, problems, issues here)?".

What would you tell that kid when she or he asks you about these problems you currently have right now?

Whether the problems are part mindset, part real external hardships, neither, or both, what matters more is how would courageous skysnap handle the situations?

The answers may surprise you, but will help us learn more about you and provide more personalized applicable advices.

 

[Einfamilienhaus]

Dont worry, you are doing it Great! There are so many negative circumstances in your life and you still stay strong.

People hit and hurt you but you are still here. Right now and you still look them into the eyes! They can't break you. So they decided to tell you that you are small and worthless. And at that moment when you started to believe it. You lost.

You think different and you act different. That's why people around you treat you different. You dont fill the expectation people have around you and they feel insecure.

I know that the social pressure in asian countries is much bigger than in Europe.

You need a high qualified Job. Everybody has to be a doctor right? Or maybe a lawyer is also ok. Marrying Young. Having children, an own house. A car and so on.

Maybe you dont need that. Not now. Maybe later. Or you just dont want to fill these cultural expectations, because these are the expectations of others and you feel yourself not free enough to decide. Even if you think it is important for you.

In all of the 3 cases you have to listen and understand: It is ok.

You feel this voice which makes you act like you act right now. It is the voice of freedom but you dont control it much. You dont have the right focus on the right things. But you have to cultivate your superpower if you want to be free. Free from all the expectations.

In your case you have definitely to leave this toxic environment you have right now. You need your own place where you can find the love to yourself back and be f*cking proud of yourself.

Change your living place. The city. Country or continent. But you have to leave.

You do nothing wrong but the people treat you like the biggest criminal in the town.

Let's be honest. Even if you were the biggest criminal in your town. They would speak with honorable sentences about you. Because they are afraid. Always. Of themselves and everything which is bigger than them.

Your life must change and remember your superpower you have they don't have. Your voice of freedom. Use it!

 

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[skysnap]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I have managed to move to another city and living there for last 2 years. But culture pressure puts me on pedestal to take care of parents and forces me to either bring them with me or leave the job and be around them. So there is that still I am keeping the distance by giving them excuse of finances.

My current focus is make the most out of this freedom from family responsibility and focus on the finances. I am doing everything I can to increase the revenue sources and try to keep them passive. It's kind of leading me to burn out with this mental pressure to perform as well as family life taking the toll.

I know I don't have any blueprint for this but I may consider nomad lifestyle to run away from these problems as confronting the negative people won't do good to me long term as I have got blood pressure to worry about now.

I am not letting go of this freedom now. It came at a cost. It's valuable.