how do I become emotionally and mentally strong

[icey502]

OP, that is a really interesting question.

A friend of mine once said to me - "When you feel like shit, that is because you are being fertilized for growth". The great part is that you have recognized that something in yourself is restricting you, and you want to change it.

I went through something similar. Short version - very dark period in life. Lost everything, and nearly myself too.

I'll share some things I learned from some people that helped me on my own journey...I have found that emotional strength is slightly different from mental strength. Emotional strength has to do with dealing with the intensity of your own emotions, and dealing with their manic-producing effects on your life. It is connected to your own internal dialogue, and the way your upbringing, genetics, and experiences have shaped your world view, and influenced your own reactions to things that happen to you. Mental strength seems to be more related to how you concentrate your energy, how you use your time, and how to focus on one damned thing at a time

The good news is that you already have the raw materials you need to build strength in these areas, you just need to find some tools that work, and practice, practice, practice. This is a life skill no different from training for sports or playing music. Speaking from my own exploration of it, some of the really key areas are:

• Forgiving yourself for your past (much easier said than done) - some people will have to re-visit pissed off former friends, write letters that they never mail, and so forth. Therapy might help.
  
• Establishing and respecting your own emotional boundaries - also a hard one, it means learning your own triggers, possibly enunciating those to people around you, and sometimes acting to change your situation if you are around people that are not respecting your boundaries.
• Throw your chains off - eliminate all spiritual or mental drag - go through your closet and toss anything you have not worn for a year. Put some distance between yourself and friends (or possibly family...) that bring negative behaviors into your life. If you have problems with money, start carrying $1000 around with you and don't spend it (disclaimer, these are just examples, I don't want you getting mugged....)
  
• Working to reduce or eliminate negative self-talk - I find that if you start to speak more kindly, you will also begin to think more kindly, both of yourself and others. Simple word substitution can be very effective here - instead of saying to yourself, "so-and-so is stupid", say "so-and-so is unskilled", or "so-and-so needs help". This is based on a Buddhist concept called "right speech". Google it. This simple practice helped me kick a pattern of depression in my own life. I cannot overstate how powerful it is.
  
• Meditation - as earlier posters have suggested, when you learn how to do it, meditation can and will change your life. It has the effect of reducing the power of the incessant emotional torrent of mental processing that nearly everyone has - with practice, you can turn down that mental volume and truly focus enough to open doors in your life, that you might not have even noticed were there. I highly recommend it, and there are many techniques and tools out there to help you learn it. Just try some until you find something that resonates with you. In my case, I needed a structured introduction to meditation, so perhaps something like that would work for you.

In regards to being an entrepreneur or not, it seems to me that you are judging yourself harshly. Life is a learning experience. You're not less of a person either way. The key lies, I think, in learning to love/respect yourself (see the above points), then in turn, learning to extend the same to the world. Even if you are the world's best entrepreneur, and you make a zillion dollars, or you build a large organization....you would find yourself still waking up in the morning struggling with the same demons, only differentiated by eating better food in a nicer house. My point is, as much as the end game might be considered the goal, there is something to be said for learning to enjoy the journey - it's ok to do it at your own pace.

 

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[Tlcalis]

Watch these two videos before you read anymore books, forum posts etc
They'll change your life they changed mine best two videos on the internet about high performance

 

[Concept]

Dude, I totally understand. Man, years ago I couldn't be in a room with people without my self doubts and my mind going a million miles an hour.

It took time to change the bad habit of self doubt - particularly if you have behaving that way for years and years.

Mental strength, toughness, whatever you want to call it is like a muscle. The more you work at it the strong it becomes. It is an ever continuing journey.

My interest is in why do you want to be an entrepreneur? I think being an entrepreneur is awesome, and you should totally go for it, but I want to know what is it for you that has you want to be an entrepreneur?

Right now I'm guessing you current experience of everything is powerlessness, frustrated and trapped? Would I be close?

What do you think entrepreneurial ship will provide you with that you don't have already?

 

[smarty]

Don't talk shit about your parents on the internet. From about the age of 16 onward I'd say people are responsible for their own choices. I personally take responsibility for every choice made after the age of 12 because I remember making the wrong choices and my environment wasn't to blame.

Dear God, if you weren't so judgmental to people in heaven, they would trust more in your goodness.

 

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[Salem]

177 Mental Toughness Secrets by Steven Siebold

Great book. I think Steve Siebold can help you a lot on acquiring more confidence

 

[DeletedUser19]

Thanks for the book recommendation. It seems that it came at the right time in my life. I actually knew about this book and wanted to read it. But I discarded it for no reason.

I've improved my mindset and my self-esteem tremendously for the last few weeks, and I think this is the only thing missing so I can release my full potential - resolving the issues (present, but especially past) with my parents and healing my inner child.

Read this book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, in my view most confidence issues have the roots in childhood and bad or missing parenting.

 

[smarty]

Thanks for the book recommendation. It seems that it came at the right time in my life. I actually knew about this book and wanted to read it. But I discarded it for no reason.

I've improved my mindset and my self-esteem tremendously for the last few weeks, and I think this is the only thing missing so I can release my full potential - resolving the issues (present, but especially past) with my parents and healing my inner child.

Read it. You'll be surprised.

 

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[Luffy]

Read it. You'll be surprised.

Is there a free pdf version of it on internet? I'd rather not have a physical copy of that.

 

[DeletedUser19]

Is there a free pdf version of it on internet? I'd rather not have a physical copy of that.

kindle?

Most of us were pirates at some point in our lives, but if you want to buy the book, you can buy the kindle version

 

[Avus]

I'm can't pinpoint when it began but I have become a mentally weak person racked with self doubt and low confidence. So much so, it keeps me up at night and has pretty much affected all areas of my life.

In my teens I never had these feelings aside from the usual teenage confidence issues. I am now 29 and what people might consider a basement dweller (I only leave the house to go to work).

I don't think I am emotionally equipped to handle the process required to becoming an entrepreneur. And to be honest do I want to do it for the right reasons? Is being deeply disappointed with what I've become and wanting to make up for the years I've been a hermit reason enough?

There probably isn't an easy fix much like there isn't an easy path to riches but would appreciate any advice.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

I did not read everyone's response, but a good book if it has not been mentioned it is "How to win friends and influence people" It is from the earlier part of the 20th century but it dives into a lot of psychology that is still applicable. It is a fantastic book.

 

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[stevethe bungee]

Poor nutrition can be a problem. too much sugar and processed food is causing anger and psychological problems in many people these days, and yes get out in the world ,meet people and some exercise is crucial. you will get there.

 

[Bila]

You will become strong when being weak is not an option anymore.
You will become strong when you have no other choice.

I must add : There is not a single " how to " for becoming strong...there are different types of " strong " ....some people call " insensitivity " being strong, it's not ( in my opinion ) for me it's a balance between being assertive and receptive to others feelings. Being able to take what life throws at you ( and she does throw stuff ) while maintaining a sense of innocence, not being bitter about life ...etc.

 

[davedev]

I'm can't pinpoint when it began but I have become a mentally weak person racked with self doubt and low confidence. So much so, it keeps me up at night and has pretty much affected all areas of my life.

In my teens I never had these feelings aside from the usual teenage confidence issues. I am now 29 and what people might consider a basement dweller (I only leave the house to go to work).

I don't think I am emotionally equipped to handle the process required to becoming an entrepreneur. And to be honest do I want to do it for the right reasons? Is being deeply disappointed with what I've become and wanting to make up for the years I've been a hermit reason enough?

Two words.

Small Wins.

You have to have experiences to 'hang your hat on'. A man must have achievements, things accomplished, stuff on the list crossed out and marked 'DONE'.

Flip things on craigslist. Visit estate sales and specialize in a small niche of vintage item; buy and resell on ebay. Make a $10 dollar profit. Start as small as you need to.

Why take comfort in small wins?

Well you know you won't be there forever. You know you are on the path of growth, therefore you aren't embarrassed to look ridiculous at the beginning. You know you are capable of more.

As Hal Elrod talked about in the miracle morning. You don't have to say OH all the successful guys woke up at 5:00am, so STARTING TOMORROW, I set the alarm for 5am! No excuses!

No

You wake up at 8:00am? Next morning, wake up at 7:30am. Small win.

If you're overweight?

Don't grab the latest diet book, load the fridge with fad diet foods, and have a detailed gym plan created and synced in Google Calendar, Evernote, and Wunderlist.

Just walk into a gym and lift shit -- break a sweat. Small win.

Why are these small wins important?

They build momentum.

Momentum defeats procrastination. Momentum stops self-pity in it's tracks. Momentum allows for refinement.

Momentum is what you want out of life. Remember that.

Once the tires are rolling, correct course.

 

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[smarty]

All self-limitation is in the mind.
All self-prison is in the mind.
All freedom is in the mind.

All truth is in the mind. However truth not necesarily is real. Truth and Fact mean different things.

Truth = something you accept as real. It can be variable.

Fact = that is absolute reality. It is fixed and real.

A HOAX can be accepted as truth, and is truth for those who fall for it.

What HOAX do you believe about yourself?

Example:

Truth: "I am weak"
Fact: "You may have been feeling weak in the past, then you acted weak for a long time, then you became conditioned to believe you are weak and now you feel extremely uncomfortable to begin acting otherwise."

Give up the thought "I can't do that" if you feel it is a comforting lie to yourself.

Ask yourself WHY can't you do it and then CHALLENGE every answer that you come up with until you have a bare-bone answer that can't be challenged further.

Is it that you PHYSICALLY CAN'T do it? Or is it because physically you DON'T want to do it?

If it is the later, it's your job and obligation to yourself and to others to become who you really want to be.

P.S.: I learned & realized a lot of things about myself while posting this

 

[Mattie]

I like the the book legal minds perception of truth and facts and evidence, and really backed up my theory already. Everyone has their truth and beliefs in their reality and experience at the moment. Our memory and senses can deceive us and fail us. Facts we perceive as reality can be false. Their is your truth, my truth, what is hidden behind the scenes. If this was a classroom, you and I could be the only one in the room before everyone shows up.

His car was the only one parked in the parking lot before we both arrived. Someone smashed it up. He walks in before class and sees both of us in the room. We can both say we didn't touch his car. We can both have blood on us. You have a hand all cut up. I have blood dripping from sleeve and down the hall to my table.

He can look at both of us and sees both. Who is the guilty one? You or me.

Before class I was in a car accident on the highway and a friend dropped me off. You tripped and feel through the glass door leaving the house.

We're both arrested, because M.J. didn't like the idea that his nice car was smashed.

We have no witnesses, no evidence to prove something happen. And my report from the police was three hours earlier.

Later he finds out that it wasn't either one of us. It was another instructor that was angry with him for getting him fired.

How do they find out? Camera's outside in the parking lot and the hallways. Time stamped, but in some cases they could even be set up to where
M.J. paid someone to fix the camera's, and wanted the other instructor out of his way. Set the whole thing up. Paid someone to smash his own car. lol

A far fetched story. But shows how appearances can deceive us. And the illusions are there.

 

[Mattie]

 

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[chip2000]

Apologies to all for not replying sooner. I have been lurking in the background.

Read Psycho Cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz, and 177 Mental Toughness Secrets by Steven Siebold.

Before I posted I actually downloaded a couple of Kindle samples related to mindset - one of them being 177 Mental Toughness Secrets as well as Mental Strength - Control Your Mind and Achieve Your Goals by Iain Abernethy (if anyone is interested). Bounce - The Myth of Talent and the Power of Practice by Matthew Syed also looks like a good read.

Sure you're emotionally equipped! Trust me there's nothing you can't overcome in life. Mental is strengthening your mind. Getting rid of the negative thoughts from toxic people in your life. As I've told some of the people I've already helped, write down all the negative things people to say to you that are significant in your life. Write down the ones that you tell yourself. And look at those thoughts. Are they truth about you? No they're not!

Years of negative thinking and stress (most likely self-inflicted) has taken it's toll. If there is anything I want to achieve this year it would be to overcome this.

I often have thoughts like this:
I wish I was 10 years younger (I used to wish I was 5 years younger 5 years ago)
I wish I listened to my Dad and not gone to university and started working with him (although, my Dad is an autocrat and my Mum used to be a worrier - it would have driven me insane)
I wish when I failed my first year in my degree my university didn't let me back in - who knows where I might be today
I wish I was never fat
I wish this..
I wish that..

Meditation helps.

I've heard good things about meditation but like with many things I've not taken action.

You are capable of doing what you want. You just are. That's not motivational speech. It's just the truth.

This really stood out for me. Thanks Even Steven.

Start watching comedy, you're too stifled and resisting isn't going to help, get in touch with who you are.
You need to relax and go back to how you were as a kid, I'm sure you didn't have today's issue's.

I rarely watch anything these days - I think I somehow convinced myself that if I stopped watching TV I would be a better person for it and achieve so much more. How was wrong I?

What happened to you?
I'm asking because you said that you didn't use to be this way. What we experience molds us. I went through something similar.

I'm not sure what started it.
Maybe it was because I had a hard time making friends during my first couple of years at university and I never got the work-life balance right (constantly stressed)
Maybe it was my Dad's affair and not being man enough to confront him? - I think I will read Toxic Parents.
Maybe it is just constant negative thoughts?

My interest is in why do you want to be an entrepreneur? I think being an entrepreneur is awesome, and you should totally go for it, but I want to know what is it for you that has you want to be an entrepreneur?

I read TMF a year ago - never took any action though.
I attended a friends wedding last October in Singapore. He asked me when I was coming to work out there. I told him never - life is easy in the UK, I like 8 hour days and 5 weeks holiday a year (I didn't want to tell him about my problems) to which he replied where is your F*cking drive man?
I think me wanting to be an entrepreneur is so I can say I haven't wasted my life.
I'll be able to focus on improving myself once I have more free time. i.e. rich
(On reading back it looks like a mishmash of my thoughts - I swear I was going somewhere with this)


I have taken some action - I've sourced products from China and added my own branding. I will be attempting to sell via Instagram. But what should have taken me 4 weeks has taken 12 and I'm still not ready yet. I didn't validate, I constantly question whether this is the right product, am I really adding value or just selling things online, is the name good enough, does the logo look a bit shit, is the packaging good enough? Am I really being an entrepreneur?



Thanks for all the replies. I really wanted to address everybody's posts. I think it is clear - I am a victim of my own mind.

 

[smarty]

I'm not sure what started it.
Maybe it was because I had a hard time making friends during my first couple of years at university and I never got the work-life balance right (constantly stressed)
Maybe it was my Dad's affair and not being man enough to confront him? - I think I will read Toxic Parents.
Maybe it is just constant negative thoughts?

Drop everything else for 2-3 days and read "Toxic Parents".
Your answer is there (and many others).
Nothing changes overnight but once you begin to understand why you feel that way and have clarity, you start moving in a new direction.
After reading it I'm not the same person because before I had a lot of self-doubt but now I KNOW.

 

[Mattie]

This was just from my experience : We can end up driving ourselves into that dark place by staring to the past and regretting multiple things. And we get stuck there and beating ourselves up over things we couldn't control by what part others played. We can get stuck in the things we wish we had done, and that our life was different. The past is gone, and really it's just and illusion at this moment. A memory and imprint of the past.

Never allow your past to define you. If I had, I wouldn't be in the Fast lane now trying to create a dream that others said was impossible. I'll be the first to tell you that this world isn't fair, I've taken more hits by people. The thing is the past doesn't matter. It's what you do today that matters. The whole future is a slate wiped clean. I just took one emotion, one feeling, one thought pattern and worked on it until I broke it, and than move on to the next and the next. One goal at a time. Even if it was small.

And the thing is when I started writing, it was one poem at a time, and at the end of the first year, I learned I could write ten poems a day, articles, and got better and better. And had not clue I'd be here now. You can overcome it!

 

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[P3HSB]

This advice works for men. Testosterone is a big factor.

1. Decide your going to take an ice cold shower for 10 straight minutes and last till the end.

Brain was feeling disengaged today, so I decided to try the ice cold shower. I put the water on max cold setting. Survived it and came out feeling like a boss!

Good looking out @DreamCreator

 

[IGSKnox]

I think ol Zig Ziglar said it best, " to change your output, you need to change your input"