Hi. I'm not sure why I post and come here, and I'm not sure what I have to tell precisely about my life, so I will just go with the flow.
I'm a 24 years old student living in Belgium, so sorry in advance for my bad english.
I'm born in a very catastrophic family. My father abandonned me when I was born, and he was a dangerous and alcoholic man. I grew up with my mom, but during my childhood my dad just never stopped sending death message to my mom, because he didn't want another kid and he "has no children". So I constantly lived with the constant fear of being killed by my father during my childhood, I was not allowed to go to school alone for example, I always needed to be with someone.
My mother became very depressed when I was a kid, because all of this was "my fault" according to her. So she told me for my entire life that if she knew, she'll never got married and she had prefered not having kids.
Of course she let myself starve for long period, she never really cared about me and I grew in a complete chaotic environment.
BUT, apparently I was good at school, with number. So I've worked hard because my absolute goal in life was to get out of that hell.
I studied and I have an accounting diploma. I'm currently studying to become an economist...
But I feel extremely bad and terrified about this future, because people are proud of me because when I'll finish my study I'm going to get a nice job, I will be well paid...
But it's been a long time that I read MJ DeMarco's book, and that I'm aware of the fact that this is nothing more than modern slavery, and I feel completely trapped and bad. I just hate my life, because I spent hours and hours studying the stock market by myself in hope to become a great trader, but the only thing I understood is that no one can predict the market.
Since two years, my life became a true nightmare.
Because I've never been truly loved when I was a child, today Love is absolutely the most important thing in my life above anything else, and my biggest dream, the only thing I truly hope in life is someday get married, and have children, and be in a calm and peaceful environment, because I want to know what this mean to have "a family".
But I've been betrayed by someone and I'm just completely destroyed mentally.
I just don't want to live anymore because I'd like to have enough money to have a family and don't have to work but I already read hundreds of books and I feel like I failed my life miserably.
I'm alone, I'm alone and I don't have any parents anymore, I have no family.
I already tried to suicide but I failed, I spent some time in psychiatry and I take antidepressant, + they give me Spravato, a special drug to make happy the desperate case like me.
I AM AWARE that the way you think affect the way you do thinks and that it's not good to think negatively, but I'm lost.
Everyday I think again about euthanasing myself (I don't like the word suicide) with helium, but I'm not ready yet.
I know I can perhaps change something...
But before, I was motivated by the idea of having money and become financially free because Freedom is really important. But now I see that I don't have anyone and no family so I'm feeling so lost.
I'd dream about lauching a business, making money just because it could help me have a family.
I don't know where to start anymore...
But I know that I should not let myself go down up to the point of dying, so that's why there is still a part of me who dream and who know that I should surround myself with entrepreneur people
I'm a 24 years old student living in Belgium, so sorry in advance for my bad english.
I'm born in a very catastrophic family. My father abandonned me when I was born, and he was a dangerous and alcoholic man. I grew up with my mom, but during my childhood my dad just never stopped sending death message to my mom, because he didn't want another kid and he "has no children". So I constantly lived with the constant fear of being killed by my father during my childhood, I was not allowed to go to school alone for example, I always needed to be with someone.
My mother became very depressed when I was a kid, because all of this was "my fault" according to her. So she told me for my entire life that if she knew, she'll never got married and she had prefered not having kids.
Of course she let myself starve for long period, she never really cared about me and I grew in a complete chaotic environment.
BUT, apparently I was good at school, with number. So I've worked hard because my absolute goal in life was to get out of that hell.
I studied and I have an accounting diploma. I'm currently studying to become an economist...
But I feel extremely bad and terrified about this future, because people are proud of me because when I'll finish my study I'm going to get a nice job, I will be well paid...
But it's been a long time that I read MJ DeMarco's book, and that I'm aware of the fact that this is nothing more than modern slavery, and I feel completely trapped and bad. I just hate my life, because I spent hours and hours studying the stock market by myself in hope to become a great trader, but the only thing I understood is that no one can predict the market.
Since two years, my life became a true nightmare.
Because I've never been truly loved when I was a child, today Love is absolutely the most important thing in my life above anything else, and my biggest dream, the only thing I truly hope in life is someday get married, and have children, and be in a calm and peaceful environment, because I want to know what this mean to have "a family".
But I've been betrayed by someone and I'm just completely destroyed mentally.
I just don't want to live anymore because I'd like to have enough money to have a family and don't have to work but I already read hundreds of books and I feel like I failed my life miserably.
I'm alone, I'm alone and I don't have any parents anymore, I have no family.
I already tried to suicide but I failed, I spent some time in psychiatry and I take antidepressant, + they give me Spravato, a special drug to make happy the desperate case like me.
I AM AWARE that the way you think affect the way you do thinks and that it's not good to think negatively, but I'm lost.
Everyday I think again about euthanasing myself (I don't like the word suicide) with helium, but I'm not ready yet.
I know I can perhaps change something...
But before, I was motivated by the idea of having money and become financially free because Freedom is really important. But now I see that I don't have anyone and no family so I'm feeling so lost.
I'd dream about lauching a business, making money just because it could help me have a family.
I don't know where to start anymore...
But I know that I should not let myself go down up to the point of dying, so that's why there is still a part of me who dream and who know that I should surround myself with entrepreneur people
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