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24 Yo, Asperger and suicidal, my last hope are to change my life.

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Vipron

New Contributor
Jun 18, 2022
3
10
Belgium
Hi. I'm not sure why I post and come here, and I'm not sure what I have to tell precisely about my life, so I will just go with the flow.

I'm a 24 years old student living in Belgium, so sorry in advance for my bad english.

I'm born in a very catastrophic family. My father abandonned me when I was born, and he was a dangerous and alcoholic man. I grew up with my mom, but during my childhood my dad just never stopped sending death message to my mom, because he didn't want another kid and he "has no children". So I constantly lived with the constant fear of being killed by my father during my childhood, I was not allowed to go to school alone for example, I always needed to be with someone.
My mother became very depressed when I was a kid, because all of this was "my fault" according to her. So she told me for my entire life that if she knew, she'll never got married and she had prefered not having kids.

Of course she let myself starve for long period, she never really cared about me and I grew in a complete chaotic environment.


BUT, apparently I was good at school, with number. So I've worked hard because my absolute goal in life was to get out of that hell.
I studied and I have an accounting diploma. I'm currently studying to become an economist...

But I feel extremely bad and terrified about this future, because people are proud of me because when I'll finish my study I'm going to get a nice job, I will be well paid...

But it's been a long time that I read MJ Demarco's book, and that I'm aware of the fact that this is nothing more than modern slavery, and I feel completely trapped and bad. I just hate my life, because I spent hours and hours studying the stock market by myself in hope to become a great trader, but the only thing I understood is that no one can predict the market.

Since two years, my life became a true nightmare.

Because I've never been truly loved when I was a child, today Love is absolutely the most important thing in my life above anything else, and my biggest dream, the only thing I truly hope in life is someday get married, and have children, and be in a calm and peaceful environment, because I want to know what this mean to have "a family".
But I've been betrayed by someone and I'm just completely destroyed mentally.


I just don't want to live anymore because I'd like to have enough money to have a family and don't have to work but I already read hundreds of books and I feel like I failed my life miserably.
I'm alone, I'm alone and I don't have any parents anymore, I have no family.

I already tried to suicide but I failed, I spent some time in psychiatry and I take antidepressant, + they give me Spravato, a special drug to make happy the desperate case like me.


I AM AWARE that the way you think affect the way you do thinks and that it's not good to think negatively, but I'm lost.
Everyday I think again about euthanasing myself (I don't like the word suicide) with helium, but I'm not ready yet.
I know I can perhaps change something...


But before, I was motivated by the idea of having money and become financially free because Freedom is really important. But now I see that I don't have anyone and no family so I'm feeling so lost.


I'd dream about lauching a business, making money just because it could help me have a family.

I don't know where to start anymore...
But I know that I should not let myself go down up to the point of dying, so that's why there is still a part of me who dream and who know that I should surround myself with entrepreneur people
 
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Mathuin

Provide Relative-Value or Die Trying
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Dec 20, 2020
576
1,845
22
Belfast, Northern Ireland
Read TMF again.

MJ was in a similar situation (he was older than you at the time) and he came out on top.

You can too.
 

Happyheart

Contributor
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Dec 11, 2020
44
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Hi. I'm not sure why I post and come here, and I'm not sure what I have to tell precisely about my life, so I will just go with the flow.

I'm a 24 years old student living in Belgium, so sorry in advance for my bad english.

I'm born in a very catastrophic family. My father abandonned me when I was born, and he was a dangerous and alcoholic man. I grew up with my mom, but during my childhood my dad just never stopped sending death message to my mom, because he didn't want another kid and he "has no children". So I constantly lived with the constant fear of being killed by my father during my childhood, I was not allowed to go to school alone for example, I always needed to be with someone.
My mother became very depressed when I was a kid, because all of this was "my fault" according to her. So she told me for my entire life that if she knew, she'll never got married and she had prefered not having kids.

Of course she let myself starve for long period, she never really cared about me and I grew in a complete chaotic environment.


BUT, apparently I was good at school, with number. So I've worked hard because my absolute goal in life was to get out of that hell.
I studied and I have an accounting diploma. I'm currently studying to become an economist...

But I feel extremely bad and terrified about this future, because people are proud of me because when I'll finish my study I'm going to get a nice job, I will be well paid...

But it's been a long time that I read MJ Demarco's book, and that I'm aware of the fact that this is nothing more than modern slavery, and I feel completely trapped and bad. I just hate my life, because I spent hours and hours studying the stock market by myself in hope to become a great trader, but the only thing I understood is that no one can predict the market.

Since two years, my life became a true nightmare.

Because I've never been truly loved when I was a child, today Love is absolutely the most important thing in my life above anything else, and my biggest dream, the only thing I truly hope in life is someday get married, and have children, and be in a calm and peaceful environment, because I want to know what this mean to have "a family".
But I've been betrayed by someone and I'm just completely destroyed mentally.


I just don't want to live anymore because I'd like to have enough money to have a family and don't have to work but I already read hundreds of books and I feel like I failed my life miserably.
I'm alone, I'm alone and I don't have any parents anymore, I have no family.

I already tried to suicide but I failed, I spent some time in psychiatry and I take antidepressant, + they give me Spravato, a special drug to make happy the desperate case like me.


I AM AWARE that the way you think affect the way you do thinks and that it's not good to think negatively, but I'm lost.
Everyday I think again about euthanasing myself (I don't like the word suicide) with helium, but I'm not ready yet.
I know I can perhaps change something...


But before, I was motivated by the idea of having money and become financially free because Freedom is really important. But now I see that I don't have anyone and no family so I'm feeling so lost.


I'd dream about lauching a business, making money just because it could help me have a family.

I don't know where to start anymore...
But I know that I should not let myself go down up to the point of dying, so that's why there is still a part of me who dream and who know that I should surround myself with entrepreneur people
Dear young man,

there is a new life out there for you! Be assured of that.
Your childhood may not have started out in the best circumstances, yet here you are, slowly making your way out.
It is normal to feel bad at times and even longer bouts of depression are very common. Do not give up hope just yet.
Therapy and medicine can only go so far in helping you out of the hell of depression. You had the right goals in mind by starting your studies and should not despair about the lack of freedom of a steady job.

Studying economy is a good start and even MJ Demarco finished his studies before becoming an entrepreneur. If you are depressed, your mind catastrophizes, you know that. You have ample time to think about entrepreneurship until you finish your studies. Leave the financial markets alone for now, there will be too much volatility for it to be good for you.

1. Eat decently! Your brain is made up of the things you eat. Fish oil and vegetables will make your brain function better over the course of a few months.
2. Go out into the sun. Your body needs light. I am sure you are sitting on your laptop too much.
3. Go to a church. You need to hear that there is an entitity that loves you and has chosen you to live on this earth.
4. Study and make sure you finish college. You need structure and a plan for now.
5. Sleep regularly, have a daily schedule.
6. Try to meet some other people that are nice if you can.
7. Visit your doctors immediately and tell them this is not working. If you feel you are about to end your life, you should immediately call for help. You are much too young to throw your life away as an intelligent and promising person. Just imagine sitting in your garden watching your family in 20 years and thinking that you could have thrown away all of it.

Seek help and don't do anything to yourself as long as you are depressed, because your take on the situation is likely unrealistic.
 

Happyheart

Contributor
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Dec 11, 2020
44
39

heavy_industry

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
Apr 17, 2022
159
335
I wish I could help, but the situation is very entangled.

You've heard a lot of generic advice, such as eating better and exercising. Those are great things and will definitely help (especially exercise), but in your situation it would be a good idea to fix the problem from its root.

Please don't hurt yourself. You don't deserve it.
As desperate as things may seem, there is always something small that you can do to improve your life. Start taking small steps every day. Keep walking on the right path. You will slowly get out of the mire, and perhaps, eventually, you will find love.

Good luck.
 

Angler

Bronze Contributor
FASTLANE INSIDER
Speedway Pass
Sep 9, 2021
115
234
20
I'd dream about lauching a business, making money just because it could help me have a family.

I don't know where to start anymore...
How are you doing health and goal wise?

Are you working out, eating healthy, setting some personal goals that you want to accomplish? Forget about building business for now and get your life rolling in the right direction, mentally and physically. I know for a fact that if my headspace if is not in the right space, I will botch everything I do even if things are going well.

Perhaps go to the gym this week, aim to smile at a person every time you walk on the street, pick better food the next time you go off shopping, or say no to activities that kill your motivation(porn, games, gossiping, letting people push you over), etc. You know what will make you feel better as a person, you just need to listen to your gut.

The momentum you build by improving yourself slowly will spread to all areas of your life, and then you'll be in the right headspace to think bigger.

F*ck whatever people say about how you should live, do things, and behave. Forget all about it. They're regurgitating what was fed to them by unhappy people. As a result, they're unhappy gremlins too. Do what you need to become a better person and earn respect for yourself. I don't know you personally, and you know yourself better than I do. So you must ask yourself questions about what is it YOU want to do and get on doing them.

We get sad when we think too much.

When we are busy working on ourselves, goals, work, we don't have room to feel like we're victims. There's always a goal to reach, another mile to walk, another person to talk to.

I just don't want to live anymore because I'd like to have enough money to have a family and don't have to work but I already read hundreds of books and I feel like I failed my life miserably.
I'd dream about lauching a business, making money just because it could help me have a family.
I don't know where to start anymore...
But I know that I should not let myself go down up to the point of dying, so that's why there is still a part of me who dream and who know that I should surround myself with entrepreneur people
Stop f*cking lying to yourself. YOU WANT MORE. YOU DESIRE MORE. Say it boldly that you're sick of what your actions has led you to, and start doing things differently. Commit to doing things differently.

Insanity is doing the same thing and wishing for a different outcome.

I did the same thing when things did not work out for me two 2 years ago. I sat in the shower wishing things were different. I looked at my ceiling at night wondering why I was doing the things that I hated most. I wondered if it mattered if I existed or not.

I was too damn afraid to admit to myself that I want more and be willing to do whatever it takes to get it.

I know life has given you a bad hand my friend, and to that I understand. Life is not fair. And if you complain and not do anything about it, things won't change. It'll be just more of the same for the rest of your life. It is your responsibility to flip it around play all your bad cards out and still win it big. Just don't press the give up button. Things will always get better if you keep fighting, dreaming, and working your visions.

Look at what you wrote earlier. Then look at what you wrote at the end. YOU have dreams. YOU know you should not let yourself down. YOU know you want to make money to help your family. All else is irrelevant, let that desire consume you and become obsessed with it and kick the sad thoughts in the a$$. Bigger things are waiting for you if only you take responsibility of your life, problems, and whatever things that may try to stop you.

There is nothing stopping you but yourself.

If you want a better read to give you some direction here is my suggestion:

 
Last edited:

Simon Angel

Gold Contributor
Speedway Pass
Apr 24, 2016
794
2,110
Regarding Asperger's, Elon Musk has Asperger's and he's the richest man in the world and, from what I gather, seems to have full control over it and is highly functioning.

Now, in terms of the suffering you've endured - everyone suffers. Some more, others less. It's how you perceive it that matters.

Currently, you're in a victim mentality. And the only way to stop being a victim is to stop feeling like a victim.

All that shit that's happened to you is in the past. So what's the point of making the present bitter by constantly reliving those experiences?

Just let go of all that, there's nothing you can do to change what happened. The only thing you CAN change is what you're doing right now.

Death is probably boring as F*ck anyway. Change your beliefs about the world and yourself, and stick around. See what happens. Life is a gift.

Things will probably end up being much better than you've ever hoped for, but you gotta allow yourself to look at the good in life, not just the bad (even if that's what you've predominantly seen so far).

A movie I'd recommend to you 100% is Fight Club. It's right on topic and you're literally the target audience - young males who are fatherless and feel betrayed by society/the traditional route and are heavily depressed and suicidal. I know that because I'm the target audience as well.

Give it a go, it's pretty low effort to sit through it (the movie) and I'd go as far as saying it might end up being a life-changing experience for you at this point in your life. It was for me.
 
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Last edited:

Vipron

New Contributor
Jun 18, 2022
3
10
Belgium
Thanks for your reply...

And yes the problem with depression it's that I'm in a constant fight against my-self.
But I schedule my day in a smart way for now, and yes I need to focus absolutely on getting my diploma for now before the rest.

I'm unstable because at some moment I have the motivation, and at some other I'm lost in my negativity like yesterday.
But yes, I know I have to keep fighting.

I will watch Fight Club !

I really need to change my life and change things. I see a therapist regularly and he use hypnosis on me to help me overcome all of that.

I need to keep fighting, I need to keep fighting...
 

Mammoth

Amor Fati
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Dec 4, 2019
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México
If your therapist doesn’t know that everyday you think about killing yourself, you best tell him.

Losing someone close to you to suicide is one of the worst experiences there is. Don’t put anyone through that.

You need to get your mind in order before you can break free.
 
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anthonyseoul

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Apr 16, 2017
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London
Hang in there. You can turn things around.

Do you have any role models? They don't have to be people you know personally. It could be an athlete, a writer, a businessperson. Whatever. Find someone you admire and watch interviews of them, listen to them on podcasts, read their autobiography.

I think you may need some inspiration and motivation in your life. Find it. There is so much content online now.

When I was going through a rough patch before, I listened to Jocko Willink. Maybe he's not for everyone but he motivated me to pull myself out of a slump. I bought his books, listened to his motivational snippets and watched his YouTube vids. This was a short-term fix, but it pulled me out of the rut I was in.

Let me know if you need to chat. Just shoot me a message.
 

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