Being in a relationship with a slowlaner...

[Martinv678]

I'm currently in an awesome relationship and we get along amazingly, the only issue I have is when it comes to the future.

I'm like some here, I have a slowlane(ish) job (i'm a contractor, so have the freedom to leave whenever and get paid around 5x more) and I'm lucky in the sense i'm rarely monitored and am in a coding environment so I can do my own projects without getting caught.

My current girlfriend just doesn't have the same mindset or share the same beliefs as me and it can hold me back like a sea anchor. I'm starting new business ventures at the moment and she'll say "somebody has already done that", "be realistic" and she is looking to make her way in the company and get that pension at the end! I want to know if others have crossed this bridge? She just doesn't see the same visions and has barriers in her mind which I have eliminated by years of mental masterbation.

I have tried to get her to read TMF , 4HWW, RDPD and Think and Grow Rich so she can see why my mind set and thoughts are different but she says she's not ready. It's not like I want to change her as I'm with her for her but I think she thinks if I make the jump and try and pull into the fastlane, will she still fit into my life and what if it fails. We all know failure is good but to a slowlaner it can be difficult to understand.

Has anyone else been in this situation and should I be more inclined to keep my current ideas and goals to myself and do them in the background so the change happens while the relationship is going on and she doesn't notice the change as much.

 

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[MitchC]

Try to suggest she reads The Millionare Fastlane, not to try and change her, but to help her understand what you are doing and why, "it will help you relax and have more confidence and understanding so you wont stress" "help you understand me, how I think, what my plans are, why I do this" etc. Like as in pitch it to her that way. My girlfriend read it after I recommended it to her and it's amazing to have her support and understanding keeping me motivated, hope things work out for you both, goodluck

 

[Gsuz]

That happened to me, too. After thinking about it, I realized that I was projecting my self-doubts and insecurities on her. There will always be moments of doubt or people who doubt you and your choices, because they are judging from their own perspective and you can't expect everyone to cheer on you, because they also have their own self-doubts and insecurities.

I think there are basically 2 ways to solve this:

1. Stop looking for hints that people doubt you and prove her wrong by succeeding
"somebody has already done that" - "I'll do it better"
"be realistic" - "I am"

2. If she's constantly doubting you and your choices or you feel it's really dragging you down, end the relationship

 

[RogueInnovation]

We've all had jobs, or employed people, so its best not to get too carried away, and keep a level head about it all.

Sounds more like she just is assuming entreprenuerialism is risky.
The truth helps.
It is risky, not everyone succeeds, and most people quit.

Make it clear to her that you will not ask her to support crackpot lazy stuff, but tell her it is appreciated when you are supported for earnest efforts towards a longer term aim that is in entrepreneurialism, and explain that you believe the benefits are real and responsible.

MJ says something like, there would be no millionaires and billionaires if getting rich was a slow process, which is probably the best arguement I've heard of for the entrepreneurial path. It is a more independant path, where you invest in yourself and your knowledge, so that you have better leverage and can achieve things normal people can't financially. This is how success is made, and there are no ifs and buts about that.

The key to success there is reality checks, but not of the blind and dismissive kind. Reality checks from experts, and from those who have been there and done it, and through action, and yourself.

Be SURE and check constantly that you are not using entrepreneurialism as a fantasy escape, for no one can support that, rather be sure through your actions that it is your legitimate and chosen path to wealth and freedom.

If you are clear, and honest about your path, the opinions of others starts to matter less.
It disappears completely once you establish profitability in your own business, and when you can think fast enough on your feet that you don't notice negatives.

... In the mean time, you can politely ask her to support you when you are being earnest, and to hold up on the discouragement when you stray off path, and to just respond in a considered way, because this is the true path you have chosen to follow, and ask that she respect it.

It depends how long you have known each other though, if this is a few month relationship, there is hardly any point talking about it at all. And if that is the case, you just chill out, and not go kamakaze on her because she has a job focus on fun, enjoying each others company, and don't drive a wedge between you where one doesn't need to be.

She isn't your business partner, she isn't your accountability partner, so try to keep most of the weight of your journey off her, and appreciate her for her as a woman, and a person in your life, rather than pick at a point until it is sore.



Ultimately, FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND FOOLS cannot be used to further your business acumen, accept that. Get above the petty squabble stuff and just be a good guy about it.

 

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[Formless]

Don't talk about it, work in the shadows. Come back to her when you have something solid.

If she is capable of agreeing to disagree, that's realistically the best option.

If she disagrees and gives you shit from time-to-time, that's an okay option.

If she's trying to trip your efforts, reconsider the relationship.

I wrote a post about this recently. Make sure not to burn down a forest to kill a single tree. Or to not burn down a relationship because of a single disagreement.

 

[NicoleMarie]

You know what I did? I showed my boyfriend one video. That's all he had to do was watch one video, not read a whole book. I wanted to show him what I was basing my opinions off of. What started as doubt turned to, "that does make sense." It was this very video:

 

[Vigilante]

Everyone starts out in the slow lane. Get her to read MJ's book. If she won't, dump her.

 

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[Martinv678]

Thanks everyone for the advise! The video is definitely a good idea. I just remember being in the same mind set before I started doing my own ventures and realising anything is possible really. I just feel like when someone tells you to be realistic its like taking a step back to the past mindset. I'll make sure she reads TMF , we go to Dubai next week an she says shes looking for a good book to read. I'll make sure its that.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Find a new girlfriend, or as you say, get rid of the sea anchor. (You said that, not me)

That might seem harsh but that fact is, if you specifically request your GF to read a book and she will NOT, you need to leave her behind. I'm not just talking about TMF , but about ANY book. The issue there isn't the book, but your request being ignored.

be realistic

Translation: "If you become super successful and grow in your experience, you'll be leaving me behind. I don't want to be left behind."

Every so often a post on Fastlane makes my stomach churn with anxiety. Yours does.

 

[pickeringmt]

Dude, there is no way to change a person.

People change because they want to.

Consider this: You KNOW you want to pursue the Fastlane way of life. You DON'T KNOW if this girl is your future wife.

That right there is enough for you to be certain of which one you will choose if you had to pick one or the other. Keep that in mind my friend.

Never sacrifice doing what you are on this planet to do in order to make someone else happy.

 

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[Vigilante]

Cheesy movie reference : School of Rock.

Jack Black was sleeping on Ned Snerdley's couch, and Ned's girlfriend was pressuring Ned to get rid of Jack Black.

http://www.moviewavs.com/0093058674/WAVS/Movies/School_Of_Rock/mooching.wav

 

[CarrieW]

I think one of the strong points in any relationship is the ability to let the ones we love be themselves... she doesn't need to be on the same path you are. But she should support you no matter what road you choose. Love doesnt judge. Let her be her, you worry about you. Opposites can attract. As long as she supports what you do what she thinks isn't relevant...

Sent from my SCH-I200 using Tapatalk

 

[yveskleinsky]

That might seem harsh but that fact is, if you specifically request your GF to read a book and she will NOT, you need to leave her behind. I'm not just talking about TMF , but about ANY book. The issue there isn't the book, but your request being ignored.

This is friggin' huge. HUGE. If something is a big deal to you, and your partner doesn't take that seriously, there are bigger problems there than entrepreneurship as a career path. If you guys get married, how will she handle the issues when (not if) you have them?

Go slow and give these red flags the weight they deserve.

If you are looking to get married, then the whole purpose of dating is to find someone you either are compatible with or can be compatible with in the areas that matter most to you. So many people (myself included at times) tend to approach dating with the mindset of "I am so excited, and I hope they like me" (being chosen) when really it should be "I am so excited, I hope I like them" (being choosy).

Also, if you guys are going on a long drive and flight, maybe download some key books onto Audible and listen to them on your phone. ...I LOVE the youtube idea too--perhaps it will pique her interest. Good luck.

 

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[pickeringmt]

I think one of the strong points in any relationship is the ability to let the ones we love be themselves... she doesn't need to be on the same path you are. But she should support you no matter what road you choose. Love doesnt judge. Let her be her, you worry about you. Opposites can attract. As long as she supports what you do what she thinks isn't relevant...

I see what you mean here, and there is some validity to that, but never underestimate how much somebody you care about can effect your own actions.

When I started my business, my wife thought it was stupid. I literally looked right at her and said, "I don't need you to believe in me or my business for me to believe in myself. If you don't, it says more about you than it does about me."

That is about as real as it gets in a relationship.

You can work around it, but it only makes things more difficult in the long-term.

 

[CarrieW]

I guess I am really lucky... my hubs isn't of the fastlane mindset. saying that he totally 100% supports me in every way in every crazy idea I have ever had... all he wants to know is when he can retire LOL.

I have no problem fighting for what I believe is right or telling anyone (even him) to go pound sand if they don't support me. I do not seek outside validation... I seek information only. make my own decisions and inform others what I have decided... (it would get old constantly fighting attacks on my plans tho and I have had this experience with other family members and I choose not to discuss anything financially related as well as a large amount of other topics because it isn't worth the arguments)

but yes I can see what you are saying... it would be different if someone were shitting all over everything I wanted to do.

I got lucky not everyone has a supportive spouse. but supportive and on the same path aren't necessarily mutually exclusive

 

[Vigilante]

I would not be anywhere near where I am if my wife wasn't at my side. My wife is my strength, my encourager, and the reason I was able to get back up off the mat and swing for the home run again.

This is no small subject. You can't be unequally yoked or you just pull the wagon in circles.

 

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[pickeringmt]

I guess I am really lucky... my hubs isn't of the fastlane mindset. saying that he totally 100% supports me in every way in every crazy idea I have ever had... all he wants to know is when he can retire LOL.

I have no problem fighting for what I believe is right or telling anyone (even him) to go pound sand if they don't support me. I do not seek outside validation... I seek information only. make my own decisions and inform others what I have decided... (it would get old constantly fighting attacks on my plans tho and I have had this experience with other family members and I choose not to discuss anything financially related as well as a large amount of other topics because it isn't worth the arguments)

but yes I can see what you are saying... it would be different if someone were shitting all over everything I wanted to do.

I got lucky not everyone has a supportive spouse. but supportive and on the same path aren't necessarily mutually exclusive

Oh yeah, and I don't want to make it sound like I am at war with my wife or something.

I just think people really weight things disproportionately when it comes to stuff like this.

People will be in your life for the whole length of it, but your life IS life. It is the only one you get.

I can deal with different perspectives - in fact it makes for more interesting relationships.

I will however get downright defensive when it comes to giving up on a dream because it is mine and not someone elses. That is just crazy

 

[CarrieW]

I agree. and I think its wrong to try to change people you love (or have them try to change us)

I love my husband and I support him in anything he is passionate about... if I understood it or not.

he loves me and supports me and he never understands what I am talking about LOL

I think the moral of the story is that they don't have to think the same way or even understand your dreams, but they do need to love and support your dreams no matter what.

that's what makes a good spouse IMO

 

[Shirley]

My current girlfriend just doesn't have the same mindset or share the same beliefs as me and it can hold me back like a sea anchor

I can totally relate to you on this. The majority of the population are slowlaners, and unfortunately, fastlaners have trouble having romantic relationships. Being in a relationship isn't just about companionship, it's also about chosing a lifestyle, a common financial goal, and a direction both parties want to sail together towards. It's not about chaning each other's beliefs or mindsets, however, people do change over the course of time but only when they want to, not when they are forced to.
I wish these's a dating website for Fastlaners, maybe I should start one, how's that for a online dating service?

 

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[kevdesdev]

I haven't posted much but thought I'd chime in here.

My wife had always had the slowlaner mindset; she believed that job is the best financial security. I didn't know this until I married her and after I read the TMF . I was so excited that she was the first person I shared the wisdom and hoped that she'd share the same enthusiasm. It was no where close though... Not entirely negatively, just neutral like "OK", "interesting".

When I told her what I want to live like in the future, to own businesses and have more freedom in my time, her reaction was similar to yours, "it's been done", "be realistic", "business is risky", "we're going to lose money"... and then she went on explaining how all the people she knew failed in businesses.

Determined to live my life the way I want, I continued my education and ignored her pessimism. I read a lot and whenever I come across exciting entrepreneurial stories of famous people, I shared with her starting by "hey do you know this guy," and she'll say "yeah", and then I begin telling their stories. To my surprise, she was into it! I learned that she enjoyed hearing stories of people's lives from hardship to success, to failure then back again to success. However, whenever I told her that I'm going to do such and such, her reaction would immediately fall back to her slowlane thought...

For one second I was doubting if it was the right decision to marry her. But it was just the slightest second. Because in the big picture, I love her dearly and the reason why I chose to marry her is because we get together so well. We respect each other a lot, and we enjoy each other's companion 24/7. I told myself that it's normal for her to think that way and that I'm the odd one out. But I'm also not giving up. So I decided to just feed her education bit by bit like I did before.

It was not until a day that she told me she loved knitting. And I told her, do you want to make that in a business? Why not put it on Etsy and try it? It only takes 3 seconds. She hesitated a lot because she kept thinking "it's not perfect... I just started... what if no one buys it?". But I ended up helping her put it on the website and one day, she got a sale! I couldn't believe how happy she was! And I was ecstatic because she told me, "I really like this! I like when people buy something I made".

Since I still have my full-time job, and I want to also pursue my fastlane lifestyle, my wife and I made arrangements such that certain evenings would be family time, while certain evenings would be no distraction so I can focus on moving a step closer to the dream we're sharing. Oh speaking of which, to get her excited, I asked her what she visions her future to be, what sort of life we'll be living, how many kids, where we live, what she really wants to do with her time, etc, etc. And then work backwards discussing what we need to do in order to reach that. She has since been extremely supportive of whatever I'm doing. Up to the point that a lot of uncertain moments I have, she actually cheered me up saying this exact thing, "just F*cking do it!"

 

[Bouncing Soul]

I really like kevdesdev's post. My wife is currently a slowlaner, and I can almost guarantee she wouldn't read TMF, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.

Ask yourself if you're using your SO's concerns as your own excuse. I think this is much more common than is given credit. You're going to have to get past lots of "nos" to make products and sell in the market. Practicing on your wife before you start can be very useful.

Entrepreneurs tend to almost totally ignore risks, the other person in your relationship bringing a little prudence to the discussion is a good thing. Ladies tend to be much more worried about security and the nest than guys, but it can work the other way. I have wasted money on ideas that had I slowed down a bit, listened to the wife's concerns and tested before whipping out the CC to buy something (stuff, domains, books etc etc) would've saved me money, time and lost confidence. I think harder about what I do, I build a better "business case" before I spend money, and her response to my suggestions is much different. This applies to everything, including starting anything, investing, even buying stuff & toys.

My wife forces me to get better at selling ideas, think harder about how to execute, and I drag her a$$ out of the plane when it's time to jump. Once she's committed to an idea, look out. She is locked on to that thing, and it will happen. This keeps me steadied and helps keep me focused. If she was exactly the same as me, one of us would be redundant right? It's not always easy, but we're both much better off than we'd be if married to a spouse that didn't have different inclinations.

I will tell you, this does only get more intense. Now we have a child- how do you educate your child? To be ready with what you think the best skills are for the future world THEY will live in. A slowlane education does not look like a fastlane one...

 

[H. Palmer]

Generally, people don't change.

There is only one condition that people make changes in their life and start to make other choices.

That's when there is absolute necessity. When they are with their backs against the wall and see no other option.

Other than that, people don't change.

Should you leave her?

. if she turns out to be an obstacle in reaching your life goals, you should.

. if she doesn't follow the same life path as you but still supports you in one way or the other, you might decide to continue the relationship.

In the end it's not just calculation. It is a gut feeling.

 

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[RBefort]

Damn...that would be an awesome story for her to tell her girlfriends on why she was dumped..."He wanted me to read a damn book!" I've asked my girlfriend to read at least a couple of the important chapters (obviously all are important, but she can't skip the CENTS parts and just understand trading 5 for 2, etc)....but no dice Probably going to marry this woman too, sighs.

 

[yveskleinsky]

Without fail, almost once every couple of months someone posts a similar question about dating/marrying a "slowlaner". (I'm reposting about this because one of the last posters had a frown face in the same line about getting married--which is a problem and worth examining as far as I'm concerned.)

Here is the age old fastlane/slowlane question of "I am dating a slowlaner..." posed a different way that maybe helps to clarify things a bit :

"I found a pair of running shoes that I really like but they are too small. They are the perfect color, match all my workout clothes and they are really comfortable for short periods of time. However, I want to run a marathon here in the near future. Should I buy these shoes?"

There are two camps of thought on this:

One camp will tell you that that they have a pair of these same running shoes that are also too small, and they are able to run marathons with them, however they have to periodically put their feet up, make sure they bring bandaids for blisters, etc. and they love their shoes for what they are, but they do make running marathons hard.


The other camp will tell you to go find a different pair of shoes that fit.

The choice is yours.

 

[H. Palmer]

Beautiful post, Integrity.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

t was not until a day that she told me she loved knitting. And I told her, do you want to make that in a business? Why not put it on Etsy and try it? It only takes 3 seconds. She hesitated a lot because she kept thinking "it's not perfect... I just started... what if no one buys it?". But I ended up helping her put it on the website and one day, she got a sale! I couldn't believe how happy she was! And I was ecstatic because she told me, "I really like this! I like when people buy something I made".

This might be something she can understand. This is called having a passion for the process. When the world consumes something of your creation (and you get money for it) it truly is an incredible feeling. I don't think its any different for a book, an invention, or a website you create.

Generally, people don't change.

Yup and here's what makes things even worse for those who hope change will come: The rigors, trials and tribulations of entrepreneurship will CHANGE YOU. The journey is like iron sharpening iron. If your signifcant other isn't on the journey (she's sitting on the couch watching The Bachelorette) you will grow apart.

The other camp will tell you to go find a different pair of shoes that fit.

Find a pair that fits. Love it.

 

[MisterBHZ]

After you drop someone because their path doesn't line up with yours, how would you guys deal with exes trying to get back in touch after you've become highly successful?

 

[SteveO]

Look at the passion in these posts. Even after I had made a million dollars, my ex-wife could not come to grips with the lifestyle. It was like a slow festering sore that would not go away.

She was quite happy to get her million in the settlement though.

Be careful who you choose as a partner. Life will be much easier if you are in reasonable alignment.

 

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[SteveO]

how would you guys deal with exes trying to get back in touch after you've become highly successful

For a hookup?

 

[Lathan]

if you specifically request your GF to read a book and she will NOT, you need to leave her behind. I'm not just talking about TMF, but about ANY book. The issue there isn't the book, but your request being ignored.

Yea, if she doesn't care enough about you to want to do a small favor like reading a book to better understand your point of view and where your thought process lies, then obviously there is something wrong with that picture. If my gf asked me, I'd do it no question.