Being in a relationship with a slowlaner...

[CarrieW]

Wow this thread has my head SPINNING!

I saw a lot about FL men who date/ are married to SL women. Are there any FL women who date/ are married to SL men?

As a woman I fully believe that the majority, if not ALL women, regardless of if they will admit to it or not, have a preference for a man who can provide for her, and be that source of financial safety and security in the relationship. To me being financially stable has a direct correlation to how well you can lead a family/relationship and the options you have to provide that family with the vision they have and want for the family life. (This is one thought- because surely you can do those things with a SL job, but I'm obviously referring to this in regard to what a FL can do- and all the other reasons why FLers prefer the FL over the SL)

If you are a FL woman married to or dating a SL man, or if you have opinions on that type of dynamic in regard to this topic in general, can you please share it here, I would love to read it. Is the consensus the exact same as the FL men have for the SL women? I'm very curious to see what the women here think about it.

I assume there are no SL men on this forum, so to the FL men here, what do you think about the dynamic?

Personally, I am a young woman who is ferociously ambitious. I have the mindset, I have the courage, and determination, I have the discipline in me to sacrifice whatever I need to, and I am willing to take big educated, well researched risks to accomplish my (huge FL) ambitions. I love being self sustaining, and independent. I love the security of knowing I don't have to say, do or be someone I don't want to be because it is contingent upon financial help I need from someone. However, with all of this being true, inside of me I am attracted to men who are in high positions of power and authority. I am attracted to a super confident alpha male, who is a leader, and decision maker, and someone who is physically strong, who just looks and sounds like he can and will provide, protect you and keep you safe.

I know that I can not make it with a SL partner. Because for me, the mindsets and outlook on life are too far apart, regardless of if he supports me or not! I would not be ok with myself taking the effort needed to develop (self development/personal development/positive and effective habits) myself to what is necessary to succeed on this level while my slow lane husband was just content to do the slow lane thing, even though that's his right and choice and he isn't bothering anybody.

Reading all of the perspectives from the men, which I loved what Vegabond had to say, I am left wondering if the women are ok and satisfied with being with a Slowlane man, if they are with one.

Carrie, you have spoken up, so I would like to hear more of your thoughts on this. When I read your posts in regard to your hubby, the way you wrote it I was thinking well, of course he isn't going to not support your efforts, he is watching TV waiting for you to make it so he can benefit and he didn't have to go through anything hard or uncomfortable to get access to those benefits. So if you make it or not, he spent his time doing whatever it was he wanted to do, and remains unaffected either way, and meanwhile you have to address and deal with the results of your efforts. Maybe that's not how you meant it, but that's how it came off to me. For me personally, I would not be ok with something like this- if it's FL/ SL or SL/ SL. To me its like having a business partner who filed the LLC paperwork but did no research, no marketing, no phone calls, etc. but is always trying to make sure their cut came in on time.

@AroundTheWorld
@yveskleinsky
@Nadia
@Nicole
@CarrieW

What do you ladies think? I have no problem with sharing or providing in a relationship, both sides must contribute the best they can- hopefully at least 50-50. I think of relationships as being team mates who both put in what is necessary so they both can get out of it what they want and need. Maybe I need to mature more, because I feel like emotional support is not enough, my partner needs to be working just as hard and being just as ambitious about creating the best quality of life for us. I feel the partner needs to actually be on the same page with you and help you try to make it happen beyond saying I support you, keep working on it and I'm sure one day it will happen for you. Do I feel this way because I'm a woman, or is it because that is the most logical reason? In my head I know I feel this way because to me, it is the most logical thing. You aren't going to watch sports all day and hang out all day while I am sacrificing and reading and researching and being the most uncomfortable I've ever been, and then when it works out you want to come along for the ride and enjoy everything, I will feel some type of way! Will I have to give my man a monthly allowance so he can be in position to quit his job and live the freedom based lifestyle that I want and envision for myself?! HELL NO! I just can't see it. Wouldn't my man feel emasculated if I did that?

Do you guys think that highly successful women (like Oprah) or surgeons, attorneys, etc.who are not married has more to do with them not being able to find anyone, or because success has them limited and or stigmatized in some way?

I know I have these thoughts jumping all around, but please just respond to what you can. Because it seems like some people say a man should stay with a SL partner, but I wonder if anyone thinks that it makes no difference and a woman should stay with a SL man as well. If I was a man, I don't think I would want to be with a SL woman either, if I was doing the whole FL, so I'm not just saying this because I'm a woman.

I can see how it came across the way you are describing... and it is in reality as you said.

but here is my take on that.

When we got married almost 15 yrs ago, we were on the same page. something happened to me during the first year of marriage and I was unable to continue on that path. I became disabled.

we were not together for that long, I was very sick, never able to return to a normal job. there were no prospects of me retiring him like ever. the only prospect at that time was a young couple with a very small child and only one income. he was going to have to support me for the rest of my life, whether I ever produced another dime in my life or not. plus take care of children. that was not what he signed up for.

being the awesome man he is He stuck by me and took care of me and supported us. he could have bailed... a lot of guys bail for much less.

being the ever planner that I am as soon as it was realized that I wasn't able to work a J.O.B. I started looking into the new plan. how we were going to live the rest of our lives. how in the world he was ever going to retire without having 2 incomes. how were we going to get a house and take care of the kids etc..

it very quickly became glaring apparent that he was going to be working until the day he died and we were probably going to be eating cat food...

I started on my search to replace my lost income with my mind instead of my physical body.

I have been on this journey for a long time I have yet to prove anything to anyone other than I can gather information. the last 15 yrs have been spent with him working to take care of us and doing everything for the family that I physically can not do.

he could bitch that I stay up late and don't go to bed when he does, or that he has to make dinners and help take care of the house while I "waste" my time doing something crazy that he only believes is possible because I told him so. he could complain over every $ I spend on information. He could bitch that hes been doing all of this and I have been doing what is effectively nothing.

when I finally make it, it will be an honor to make sure that man never has to work another day in his life! he just turned 40 yrs old on may 20th. he is an auto mechanic. he doesn't have a 401k or a retirement plan. he has an awesome boss who respects him and allows him to take care of us. for the past 6 months he has been having pains in his hands from arthritis. from working so hard for so long to take care of us. I should have been able to retire him long ago. before his hands became permantly effected. that's my failure. not his.

he has done everything and anything I have needed since the day met him. I only pray one day I can return the favor...

earlier you saw me post about post nups..

the contents of ours will be to set him aside with enough money to never have to work again even if we don't stay married.

he will also get a chunk of money to do all the things hes wanted to do but not been able to because of us (me and the kids) like working on a race boat (had one he had to sell to move us to ga) and a brand new car. the man is 40 yrs old and while its the stupidest thing in the world to me he wants a brand new car and he is going to have it... and the rest of the money is mine to do with as I please. I already have free reign over every dollar in the house the only thing that will change is he will have his own instead of us taking every dime to live...

not every situation is like mine. and tho I love my husband for all he has done I am a realistic person and fair... it would be unfair of me to expect him to be in the same place I am. he has led a different life than I have. they were shared but definitely not identical...

 

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[CarrieW]

Carrie, I'm brand new here so I don't really know you, but I have a feeling you aren't really part of the big fat part in the middle of the female bell curve



That's pretty much my point. Women (both mothers and potential future mothers) generally have a lower risk tolerance. It's like the difference between a 50 year old investor and a 25 year old investor.

risk tolerance is different for every person... my risk aversion is more towards physical things not financial

the only thing I fear in life while my kids are young is death. I don't fear being broke. I fear not being here to take care of them while they need me. I would live in a cardboard box as long the kids were ok the less they need me physically present in their life the less I fear even death lol

when they were 2 and 4 yrs old. still babies I wouldn't leave them overnight. now I would totally bail for a few months (because I know at 11 and 14 they would be ok without me for a bit)

I am not in the middle of any bell curve that is a fact! LOL even when compared to men I still come out on top in most cases what can I say I am fantastic haha and humble too!

 

[Nadia]

Wow this thread has my head SPINNING!

I saw a lot about FL men who date/ are married to SL women. Are there any FL women who date/ are married to SL men?

As a woman I fully believe that the majority, if not ALL women, regardless of if they will admit to it or not, have a preference for a man who can provide for her, and be that source of financial safety and security in the relationship. To me being financially stable has a direct correlation to how well you can lead a family/relationship and the options you have to provide that family with the vision they have and want for the family life. (This is one thought- because surely you can do those things with a SL job, but I'm obviously referring to this in regard to what a FL can do- and all the other reasons why FLers prefer the FL over the SL)

If you are a FL woman married to or dating a SL man, or if you have opinions on that type of dynamic in regard to this topic in general, can you please share it here, I would love to read it. Is the consensus the exact same as the FL men have for the SL women? I'm very curious to see what the women here think about it.

I assume there are no SL men on this forum, so to the FL men here, what do you think about the dynamic?

Personally, I am a young woman who is ferociously ambitious. I have the mindset, I have the courage, and determination, I have the discipline in me to sacrifice whatever I need to, and I am willing to take big educated, well researched risks to accomplish my (huge FL) ambitions. I love being self sustaining, and independent. I love the security of knowing I don't have to say, do or be someone I don't want to be because it is contingent upon financial help I need from someone. However, with all of this being true, inside of me I am attracted to men who are in high positions of power and authority. I am attracted to a super confident alpha male, who is a leader, and decision maker, and someone who is physically strong, who just looks and sounds like he can and will provide, protect you and keep you safe.

I know that I can not make it with a SL partner. Because for me, the mindsets and outlook on life are too far apart, regardless of if he supports me or not! I would not be ok with myself taking the effort needed to develop (self development/personal development/positive and effective habits) myself to what is necessary to succeed on this level while my slow lane husband was just content to do the slow lane thing, even though that's his right and choice and he isn't bothering anybody.

Reading all of the perspectives from the men, which I loved what Vegabond had to say, I am left wondering if the women are ok and satisfied with being with a Slowlane man, if they are with one.

Carrie, you have spoken up, so I would like to hear more of your thoughts on this. When I read your posts in regard to your hubby, the way you wrote it I was thinking well, of course he isn't going to not support your efforts, he is watching TV waiting for you to make it so he can benefit and he didn't have to go through anything hard or uncomfortable to get access to those benefits. So if you make it or not, he spent his time doing whatever it was he wanted to do, and remains unaffected either way, and meanwhile you have to address and deal with the results of your efforts. Maybe that's not how you meant it, but that's how it came off to me. For me personally, I would not be ok with something like this- if it's FL/ SL or SL/ SL. To me its like having a business partner who filed the LLC paperwork but did no research, no marketing, no phone calls, etc. but is always trying to make sure their cut came in on time.

@AroundTheWorld
@yveskleinsky
@Nadia
@Nicole
@CarrieW

What do you ladies think? I have no problem with sharing or providing in a relationship, both sides must contribute the best they can- hopefully at least 50-50. I think of relationships as being team mates who both put in what is necessary so they both can get out of it what they want and need. Maybe I need to mature more, because I feel like emotional support is not enough, my partner needs to be working just as hard and being just as ambitious about creating the best quality of life for us. I feel the partner needs to actually be on the same page with you and help you try to make it happen beyond saying I support you, keep working on it and I'm sure one day it will happen for you. Do I feel this way because I'm a woman, or is it because that is the most logical reason? In my head I know I feel this way because to me, it is the most logical thing. You aren't going to watch sports all day and hang out all day while I am sacrificing and reading and researching and being the most uncomfortable I've ever been, and then when it works out you want to come along for the ride and enjoy everything, I will feel some type of way! Will I have to give my man a monthly allowance so he can be in position to quit his job and live the freedom based lifestyle that I want and envision for myself?! HELL NO! I just can't see it. Wouldn't my man feel emasculated if I did that?

Do you guys think that highly successful women (like Oprah) or surgeons, attorneys, etc.who are not married has more to do with them not being able to find anyone, or because success has them limited and or stigmatized in some way?

I know I have these thoughts jumping all around, but please just respond to what you can. Because it seems like some people say a man should stay with a SL partner, but I wonder if anyone thinks that it makes no difference and a woman should stay with a SL man as well. If I was a man, I don't think I would want to be with a SL woman either, if I was doing the whole FL, so I'm not just saying this because I'm a woman.

VERY good statement. Let's break this down both subjective and objectively.

Yes. YES. ALL women want three things in a man. A protector. A provider. A leader. FL men are MUCH MORE comfortable being with an SL, than we would be. A man, irrespective of whatever we do as women, is the head of the family. So, for him the woman earning less or not being on the same road, isn't THAT big of an issue. However, for us, when we reach a certain pinnacle of success, the level of man we can date and marry is SIGNIFICANTLY reduced.

You are attracted to Mr Blue Diamond Atlas Man. Yes, they exist. And for years, I used to be exactly the same. Until I met my boyfriend 2 years back. I owned a very successful spa and he was/still is an Economist working in the City of London. Money was never an issue to both of us. And yet, he left the country to go to Kuwait, to pursue a position being offered. He came around in my life a few months back and candidly sat me down and said he ran because he didn't feel ENOUGH. Shame, really. He is a very handsome, intelligent and ambitious man and didn't feel he was worthy enough to be with me. I had NO idea of this. I felt really sad when I learned of it. He didn't date or pursue any other woman whilst away, apparently I'd made too much of an "impact" to have done so.

He told me a few home truths that shocked me. He hadn't "really" thought of a business until he met me and we started dating. He never thought Entrepreneurship could be REAL, that it could be DONE. But when he walked into my day spa and saw operations, it hit HOME. My boyfriend taught me patience, I still sometimes want the aggressive, alpha ALL THE TIME and then realise it is my slutty ovaries talking LOL.

What you're talking about honey, is an idiot UNWILLING to change. I posted earlier on another thread. Some SL's are REALLY smart but just don't KNOW there is another WAY out. My boyfriend surely didn't. Intelligent and worldly as he is, he thought maybe, just maybe one day, he'd do it. Being with me even for a short period of time, years back kicked his a$$ HARD. The cogs started turning in his head when---- "Nadia, I sat alone in my apartment and realised I had thrown away a perfect relationship with you to slave away for some idiot, and I was miserable. I knew my life needed to change, dramatically. I was determined to be the man you needed me to be. To provide, protect and support both of us and I was a coward to have behaved the way I did." He had done his growing up and he was honourable to me when we were together, so I was willing to see how it worked out.

Success is hard for us women. It challenges the typical unevolved male ego. We demand more because we can bring more. And I realised that I want a man who works hard, hustles (he is in the process of this too) and EMOTIONALLY KIND. I had days where I sat in my car crying because something at the spa happened and even though my boyfriend was at his job, he did a great job of holding the fort down when I needed him. He made me feel loved.

I totally understand your thoughts, they are valid and I share them. I go easy on my bf as I let him find his OWN business path. Sometimes he doesn't quite get the intense drive however in time, I've seen him warm up to it. MUCH more.

So in conclusion, allow a man who UNDERSTANDS you. Not necessarily needing to be super FL like us, however won't be lazy on his a$$. A man who is loyal, honourable and emotionally kind is as important as the man who wants to build the legacy with you!

 

[H. Palmer]

What an amazing thread this is.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

What an amazing thread this is.

Yea, it's really nice to get a female perspective and not be interrupted by some douchbag talking about "getting laid" or "slaying chicks". Makes me happy.

 

[Bouncing Soul]

I am so spoiled

the most he ever says is whatever you think is best

since no one else has touched on my question yet I will post my thoughts.

post nups

totally going to have one when he is able to retire and we are "there" we are getting one. its already been discussed.

Knowing what you said in your follow on posts, why are you guys doing a postnup? It seems like you've worked like a team through hell and for decades, why do the business portion of a divorce now?

When DW says "whatever you want" for something important I see an oncoming train, maybe years out, and start asking LOTS of questions.

The willing to change part Nadia mentions is everything. My wife and I are technically slowlaners, but we went from the sidewalk to a really fast part of the slow lane, and we had to evolve dramatically together to do so.

 

[Nadia]

Knowing what you said in your follow on posts, why are you guys doing a postnup? It seems like you've worked like a team through hell and for decades, why do the business portion of a divorce now?

When DW says "whatever you want" for something important I see an oncoming train, maybe years out, and start asking LOTS of questions.

The willing to change part Nadia mentions is everything. My wife and I are technically slowlaners, but we went from the sidewalk to a really fast part of the slow lane, and we had to evolve dramatically together to do so.

Thank you When my boyfriend and I, were first together---he was very much "Nadia is the spa owner. Oh God. I wonder why she even needs me". I didn't force him. He even asked me one day "If we had a daughter, would you want her to be a business woman like you?" and I said "She could be anything she wanted however I would be teaching her the fundamentals of Business and Wealth Building as a little girl!" . When we got back together, 2 years apart had made him WANT to change. This is the bit women don't know.

Don't comfort a man. A man evolves and grows into a man through Pressure. Pressure makes a man STEP UP.

I did no chasing. Nothing. He grew when he was ready. I knew he had it somewhere in him. I just showed him an example and now he's working on a plan. It's actually cute seeing the little wheels turn in his head and i'm like *fistpump* YAY! He's GOT it!

He was willing to change.

 

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[The Duc]

Don't comfort a man. A man evolves and grows into a man through Pressure. Pressure makes a man STEP UP.

Yep. Something modern society seems to have forgotten.

 

[CarrieW]

Knowing what you said in your follow on posts, why are you guys doing a postnup? It seems like you've worked like a team through hell and for decades, why do the business portion of a divorce now?

When DW says "whatever you want" for something important I see an oncoming train, maybe years out, and start asking LOTS of questions.

The willing to change part Nadia mentions is everything. My wife and I are technically slowlaners, but we went from the sidewalk to a really fast part of the slow lane, and we had to evolve dramatically together to do so.

the reason for a prenup is this...

I feel like its necessary LOL. I am very logical and fair. and the one thing I know for sure in life is that anything can happen.

right now we have nothing. we have been working as a team. if we divorced today I would get half of nothing. I would ask for no spousal support. all I would ask if for him to help take care of his children.

our family home and retirement are ours. combined. to be equally divided because he worked and I took care of him and the family and house. equal division of labor equal division of assets produced during the course of a marriage.

if by some miracle I create something of awesome value I will ensure his retirement with a % of that that is to ensure him never having to work again. he will get spending money to do with as he wishes (new cars toys etc) and have his never work again money. his retirement will be set.

now he is going to take his % of the money and blow it. I will be as always taking care of the finances for the family. I do not blow money.

I will be taking my % of money and multiplying it. after he gets his and blows it he isn't entitled to half of what I have grown with mine...

and just because we haven't gotten a divorce yet doesn't mean it will stay that way forever... he will be taken care of for what he has done but he definitely isn't getting half my shit if he decides to follow his pecker to younger greener pastures

 

[Bouncing Soul]

@CarrieW- Which I guess balances out Nadia's post for the needs of men. You ably demonstrate the key needs of most women(especially moms)- security and emotional support.

It's taken me forever to learn that latter one...

(EDIT) These are super important to remember for an entrepreneurial male. Her no's to your idea are almost certainly based on these needs.

 

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[Nadia]

@CarrieW- Which I guess balances out Nadia's post for the needs of men. You ably demonstrate the key needs of most women(especially moms)- security and emotional support.

It's taken me forever to learn that latter one...

Yes. I choose my boyfriend first and foremost for his emotional support. He is a strong, masculine man but very emotionally supportive. He is kind and loving towards me and I wouldn't trade him in for any other man in this entire world. Women, so often forget how many abusive dicks are in this world and how a woman's feelings mean nothing when push comes to shove. I also agree with prenups, you can never be too careful.

I come back to what women want. A Protector. A Provider. A Leader.

Let me leave you with my friend Pete's video.

LOTS of guys, hate him. Because it is EXACTLY what women think.

 

[CarrieW]

while listening to that video I want to post something clarifying about my hubs...

he is not a weak man he defers decisions to me on certain things because he knows I have more knowledge on that certain subject and I will make the best decision for us. its trust. not weakness or disinterest.

believe you me when I tell you that when something matters to him or he has a strong opinion one way or the other he lets it be known.

if he wants to do something that I disagree with he will fight me on it. for what he wants. I respect him for that. even tho it pisses me off to no end the fact that he will go against my wishes and do his own thing earns my respect although don't tell him that LOL

it takes very strong man to deal with a strong independent woman

 

[Nadia]

Weakness in a man is simply defined as a man who choose to shirk responsibility.

 

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[CarrieW]

Weakness in a man is simply defined as a man who choose to shirk responsibility.

I don't agree with that...

theres lots of guys out there with jobs and kids and responsibilities who are complete and total pussys. weak and afraid of their own shadow...

accepting responsibility and having courage to be strong are not mutually exclusive...

weakness to me is someone who is afraid of others. someone who cant speak his mind. someone who cant make his own way and stand on their own 2 feet. who has to ask permission before every action. who cant make a decision and deal with the consequences.

 

[The Duc]

I come back to what women want. A Protector. A Provider. A Leader.

Let me leave you with my friend Pete's video.

LOTS of guys, hate him. Because it is EXACTLY what women think.

I'm a big believer that if you want to know what women want the last person you should ask is a woman.

You, however, seem to be the exception to that rule.

 

[Nadia]

I don't agree with that...

theres lots of guys out there with jobs and kids and responsibilities who are complete and total pussys. weak and afraid of their own shadow...

accepting responsibility and having courage to be strong are not mutually exclusive...

weakness to me is someone who is afraid of others. someone who cant speak his mind. someone who cant make his own way and stand on their own 2 feet. who has to ask permission before every action. who cant make a decision and deal with the consequences.

Ah. I see your point. I don't see a job and a kid as a life responsibility. You're kinda expected to have that anyway. YES of COURSE, they are total pussies, the most of them, hence the thread that Determined2012 posted.

A man who is responsible is courageous to me. Picking up a job to work somewhere isn't really responsible. It is by default.

 

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[Nadia]

I'm a big believer that if you want to know what women want the last person you should ask is a woman.

You, however, seem to be the exception to that rule.

Well, if I was to give both men and women advice on love, sex and relationships through my coaching programs and books, I need to know both ends of the coin.

Thank you for the appreciation

 

[CarrieW]

I consider myself strong because I accept the reality of things and plan accordingly. I am adaptable. you cant hold me down... you cant tell me what to do.

I would rather die then give up my independence.

the only weakness I have are my children. I am strong because of them and weakened at the same time. things I would die over for myself I would willingly give up for my children...

my husband is strong because of all the same things... except to add that he would give up everything willingly for me and/or his children... I only have to worry about the kids. that's why no matter what he is the protector and provider regardless of the money or value I make... he takes care of me so I can take care of everyone else...

that's why no matter what happens if my paycheck retires him and I earn all the income he wont be any less of a man or weakened in any way...

and yes jobs are by default and so are certain responsibilities. but lots of people avoid those. some half a$$ their way through. and then the rare few who are willing to go above and beyond.

still back to the post nup. no matter how good thing have been and what a wonderful person my husband is I would be stupid to think it would be impossible that something would happen to change that. no one can see the future... its a good way to be fair to everyone to have everything worked out and agreed too before the shit hits the fan... after is not the time to be making fair and practical decisions...

 

[Bouncing Soul]

You two should consider what a post-nup communicates to a Leader. Protector. Provider.

(Pre-nup is a bit different if one party brings a business or seven digit wealth to the relationship, but otherwise, same same)

 

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[cautiouscapy]

Carrie, I'm brand new here so I don't really know you, but I have a feeling you aren't really part of the big fat part in the middle of the female bell curve

C'mon, do you think any of us women on here are? ;-)

 

[Red]

I'm really enjoying this thread... however any time I see the words "all women want" this or that... I cringe on the inside. (c'mon, don't we know better by now?)

I've been self-employed for most of my life since college & dated all kinds of men: Young & rich/retired, Young & Broke, Older & Retired/Well-off, etc... most all of them being of the FL mentality (it's obviously what I gravitate toward). One thing I learned is that, being a FL woman, I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT date a FL guy.

Why?

I need the balance. I can be high-strung & sometimes, borderline neurotic about details. I can become so laser focused that I forget to eat, sleep, shower, whatever. I need a partner who is more balanced... Not all women may need that, but I do. My SO is 100% supportive, 100% of the time. He works his "9-5" & is eligible for retirement in about 10 years (public service). My goal is to grow my business to the point where he's comfortable retiring early & traveling with me (all I need is a laptop with an internet connection to work). No marriage, no prenup, just two people making their way through life together, enjoying each other's company & support. It's all I've ever wanted & I feel lucky to have him.

 

[CarrieW]

You two should consider what a post-nup communicates to a Leader. Protector. Provider.

(Pre-nup is a bit different if one party brings a business or seven digit wealth to the relationship, but otherwise, same same)

I have considered it and we have discussed it at length...

when we married the most either of us expected or wanted was to raise a family and retire and enjoy life together...

if we have a post nup that ensures the financial goals we set out in the beginning of the marriage then everyone is good.

I am ensuring he gets more then what he would ever be able to get if I don't create anything...

(we have no 401k's retirements or anything here) we will have nothing and eat cat food lol

if I am successful he gets to retire early and not have to worry about money ever. and have money to spend that he has never had before... he is ahead...

if I don't make anything and we divorce I get nothing.. and I don't want anything.

so he does his thing we divorce I get squat..

I do my thing and am a success he is set for life with a prenup. even if he cheats or leaves... I think that's more than fair so does he...

so then his is designated and I get to continue building a life for both of us to enjoy. his is play and retirement money and if we stay married he gets to enjoy it all the benefits of all of it.

again if we don't he is still better off then he would have been before we got married.

yet I am worse off. when we got together I was able to take care of myself and any future offspring.
I had been taking care of myself for years. he was living at home with his mom... I got pregnant and married him and then I became disabled and not able to work anymore. still I would walk with nothing. all I want is to be guaranteed that I get to keep most of what I create. for me and my kids.

he still has the ability to go out and pull a paycheck. I never will again. I haven't been able to do that since 1999...

if he were helping me build anything I would spilt it with him... but he isn't. he works and does his thing and helps with the kids we have a marriage and a life. and then theres me off toiling reading planning and thinking how to create something from nothing... on my own... with his support but not help. he will be taken care of for being a great husband while he is. but getting half of everything is not happening.

chances are none of this will ever matter. not planning on getting a divorce anytime soon. but as a planner it would be stupid to try to create what I am trying to create and not protect it and myself in the process.

he knows whats up. hes not offended or insulted. he knows how my brain works. he understands the hows and whys.(better than I could explain here) and he knows I am fair. so again he said whatever you want get it on paper and I will sign it... when can I retire? LOL

 

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[Nur]

Yes, but I'm a young 56....

At 28 and seeing those posting of i'm 19/18 makes me feel i'm too late,i guess you understand risk more as you age.

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk 2

 

[Vagabond 007]

Do you guys think that highly successful women (like Oprah) or surgeons, attorneys, etc.who are not married has more to do with them not being able to find anyone, or because success has them limited and or stigmatized in some way?

Probably both. Obviously depends on the person.

Lots of men don't have the "you know what" to even approach attractive women. Kind of the same thing with very successful women...guys may feel intimidated around them. They may have thoughts like "I'm not good enough" or "what would she want from a regular guy like me?"

I have heard countless female celebrities saying men don't approach them. Just because they're famous, some men automatically rule THEMSELVES out. Better to do it themselves than give the woman a chance to. Helps the ego a little bit.

People fear rejection. So it's easier to reject themselves, but justify it with logic, than have someone else reject them. It's easier to look at an attractive woman and say "she's not my type" then to go talk to her and maybe have her say you're not HER type. That would sting. So you justify it for yourself.

 

[H. Palmer]

From the beginning of time and throughout all cultures all men feel most comfortable when their woman is somewhat younger, somewhat shorter, somewhat less educated and somewhat less wealthy (mostly in income terms) than themselves.

And women feel the same thing.

It's biological.

 

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[Red]

From the beginning of time and throughout all cultures all men feel most comfortable when their woman is somewhat younger, somewhat shorter, somewhat less educated and somewhat less wealthy (mostly in income terms) than themselves.
And women feel the same thing.
It's biological.

This. This is the crap I thought that we were beyond. I was wrong. *facepalm*

 

[CarrieW]

Lol!

Sent from my SCH-I200 using Tapatalk

 

[IAmTheJeff]

Probably both. Obviously depends on the person.

Lots of men don't have the "you know what" to even approach attractive women. Kind of the same thing with very successful women...guys may feel intimidated around them. They may have thoughts like "I'm not good enough" or "what would she want from a regular guy like me?"

I have heard countless female celebrities saying men don't approach them. Just because they're famous, some men automatically rule THEMSELVES out. Better to do it themselves than give the woman a chance to. Helps the ego a little bit.

People fear rejection. So it's easier to reject themselves, but justify it with logic, than have someone else reject them. It's easier to look at an attractive woman and say "she's not my type" then to go talk to her and maybe have her say you're not HER type. That would sting. So you justify it for yourself.

It must suck to feel that way. I was always looking for the best looking, wealthiest woman when I was younger. I wanted a sugar momma, none of this broke girl stuff.

 

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[Bouncing Soul]

I have considered it and we have discussed it at length...

when we married...<snip>

I am not necessarily arguing your approach is wrong. But trying to take it to the process level.

The need is security, not a post-nup. The solution could be lots of different things.

Our solution has been developing so that either partner could thrive without the other, whether the split is involuntary, the metaphorical bus, or voluntary, a new hookers and blow habit.

 

[AroundTheWorld]

That's pretty much my point. Women (both mothers and potential future mothers) generally have a lower risk tolerance. It's like the difference between a 50 year old investor and a 25 year old investor.

If you make sweeping generalizations like this on this forum, you might find you have to open mouth and insert foot...