Sending Cold emails - feedback on copy

[johk]

Hi,
I have started to send some cold emails to business around where we live – trying to emphasise we are a local business.

Our business is web design/development. I do work full time as well in a completely different field.

I have used Google map to find companies locally (same or adjacent suburb) – check their website to see how it is. If the website is ‘old looking’ and not responsive I send them an email.

I have sent a few email but not have not had any replies as of yet.
Below is my email copy. I want to keep them short as no one wants to read anything longer than 1-2 paragraphs.

Any suggestions on copy/subject changes would be much appreciated.

Thank you

JH

######email 1 ######

Subject: New higher converting website by local [Suburb] Company


We are an established family owned web design company with over 10yrs of experience located in ……..

When I came across [company name] I noticed the current website is not responsive (Mobile Friendly), which is very important now days. Google penalizes sites that are not Mobile Friendly. We are able to build a professional site and get it up and running in under three weeks. The site will be mobile friendly and extremely easy for anyone at the company to update and maintain.


Please find below sample of other [field of business] we worked on


Please let me know if you want an obligation fee quote.


Looking forward hearing from you.

############

 

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[InnovateDesign]

In my opinion, the subject line almost sounds like something I wouldn't open and assume it's spam.

Maybe try to find the name of the owner of the website and start the subject which includes their name.

"Hello John, I just visited your website and noticed something"

That way, it looks like it is focused towards the owner and not many spam emails look like that.

 

[Supa]

In my opinion it is too "we" focused instead of "you" focused.

People care about what's in for them. Your text should focus on their benefits.

 

[Tomekmeister]

I feel like you need to use more synonyms. In 3 lines of text you used "mobile friendly" 3 times.

In my opinion, the subject line almost sounds like something I wouldn't open and assume it's spam.

Maybe try to find the name of the owner of the website and start the subject which includes their name.

"Hello John, I just visited your website and noticed something"

That way, it looks like it is focused towards the owner and not many spam emails look like that.

^This

 

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[JokerCrazyBeatz]

Listen to the interview with @Andy Black ---->> HERE it will explain EVERYTHING that you did wrong

 

[Lex DeVille]

Hi,
I have started to send some cold emails to business around where we live – trying to emphasise we are a local business.

Our business is web design/development. I do work full time as well in a completely different field.

I have used Google map to find companies locally (same or adjacent suburb) – check their website to see how it is. If the website is ‘old looking’ and not responsive I send them an email.

I have sent a few email but not have not had any replies as of yet.
Below is my email copy. I want to keep them short as no one wants to read anything longer than 1-2 paragraphs.

Any suggestions on copy/subject changes would be much appreciated.

Thank you

JH

######email 1 ######

Subject: New higher converting website by local [Suburb] Company


We are an established family owned web design company with over 10yrs of experience located in ……..

When I came across [company name] I noticed the current website is not responsive (Mobile Friendly), which is very important now days. Google penalizes sites that are not Mobile Friendly. We are able to build a professional site and get it up and running in under three weeks. The site will be mobile friendly and extremely easy for anyone at the company to update and maintain.


Please find below sample of other [field of business] we worked on


Please let me know if you want an obligation fee quote.


Looking forward hearing from you.

############

Here are your problems in a nutshell.

1. You're using email.

2. You are using a copy/paste version of every web design email I've ever seen.

3. The first word in your email is "We" instead of "You"

4. The headline offers 0 incentive to do anything other than press delete.

If you're not willing to go in person, then the phone is your second best choice, but even that isn't guaranteed because these guys with these shitty websites don't know to use ID protect, so they end up getting a thousand spam calls every day. They probably don't pick up the phone, so you'll have to leave a message and find some way to prove the value to them before the time runs out. If you actually get through you'll probably reach a receptionist. Then you have to figure out how to get past her, or prove the value to her and hope she can relay it to the boss.

A better idea might be to prove you're a professional by scheduling an appointment with them to discuss their website over lunch. Buy their lunch for $10 and let them reciprocate with a $1,000 website purchase. Once you get your first client, ask if there's anyone he can refer you to.

Facebook ads running to a landing page might be a good long-term solution since you can target very locally, but I wouldn't do that until you have a few clients and some money to blow.

As far as emailing is concerned you'll have to send a lot more than a few if you want any kind of response. You'll also have to split test emails and try a bunch of variations until you get results, but that's true of any way you go. You'll also need to not emphasize that you are local. It's nice that you're local, but so what. Maybe they don't give a shit if you're local. If you want email to work you'll probably have to custom tailor every single email to fit their specific company and their specific problems and you'll have to do it in the headline or else you'll never hear from them.

 

[Thiago Machado]

Hey man,

Here's my 2 cents.

Thiago Machado's 2 Cents!​

1st Sentence

"We are an established family owned web design company with over 10yrs of experience located in …….."

Business owner's mind: "I have no idea who you are. Who's we? I don't care even if you were in 100 years of business, what do you want from me? I already have a website..."

You need to tune into WII FM! (what's in it for me).


2nd Sentence

"When I came across [company name] I noticed the current website is not responsive (Mobile Friendly), which is very important now days. Google penalizes sites that are not Mobile Friendly."

In the business owners mind, he may be thinking: " Penalized? For what!? Everything seems to be just fine..."

3rd Sentence

"We are able to build a professional site..."

Business owner's mind: Oh God... just another salesman... "No thanks, I already have one!"

"and get it up and running in under three weeks. "

You just pitched him, yet you just met him. He has no idea who you are, and here you are selling him something that in his mind, he "already has". You need to develop trust and rapport first. You need to discover his pain points and build value on top of that by showing him that you can solve his problems. You need to show him why he needs this. He clearly has a website, but why does it need to be redesigned? What's he missing out on?

The site will be mobile friendly and extremely easy for anyone at the company to update and maintain.

Who are you contacting? Most websites now a days are mobile friendly. It's not really much of a differentiator in this day and age. And if your prospects website is not mobile friendly, you clearly haven't shown him through your email pitch the benefit of him having one.

Want to know "the truth"?​

The truth is: a business owner does not care about having a website.

If that's all he cared about, he would purchase a $50 theme on themeforest and get his 15 year old nephew to set it up, not pay you $x,xxxx!

​

What do they really want?

• A conversion optimized website.
• A website that will give them highly quality leads.
• A website that will boost sales.
• A website that will make them more money!

If you're going to play the fear game, then you sell the benefits (as stated above) and just package it differently. (Look up PSA formula which is popularly used by Dan Kennedy. PSA stands from Problem, Agitation Solution).


Here's an example of what you can say...

"By not having a mobile optimized website, your website is not showing up on Google. It's also not user friendly, meaning people who browse it have a hard getting the information they need. And you know what happens when you're clients are having a hard time using your website? That's right... they leave"

So then think about your prospect...

Here he is spending money on advertising and SEO trying to drive traffic to his web page. Little does he know that people are having a hard time using his website and are leaving it in less than a minute.

What does this all mean to him?

• He's losing money on advertising.
• He's losing out on high quality leads and sales
• (So far he's losing money on both sides).

Back to my 2 cents...


Please let me know if you want an obligation fee quote.

Obligation has a negative connotation to it. Think about it... What do you think of when you hear that word?

"I am obligated"

It's seems like a druge. Something that is madatory; that goes against your will. To me it's synonymous to the word "pressure".

And once again, you clearly haven't discovered his pain points. How are you going to send him an "obligation fee quote" if you don't even know what he needs? there's a difference between a $500 project and a $10,000.


"Looking forward hearing from you."

I wouldn't...

​

To sum things up...
​

You're skipping a couple of steps.

You should really focus on getting that first contact with the person. Not sell him upfront.

Take it one step at a time. Make them reply to your email. Then have a conversation with them / try to get them on the phone. You're jumping straight to the point and I promise you either 2 things will happen by going about this approach.

1. You will not get any replies / sales with that email.
2. If you do, it will probably be from some uninformed, pain in the a$$, low quality client.

Seem's like you're overthinking as well.

Good copy doesn't need to sound like a billy mays infomercial.

There's a reason it's called "direct response" and not "direct sales copywriting"

That first contact can be as simple as:

Hey Bob,

I was just browsing your companies website and noticed a slight flaw. Chances are, if you're customers are anything like me, this problem is making it hard for them to get the information they need. Don't know if someone mentioned this to you before, but I just wanted to reach out to you because some people are impatient and are probably leaving your website to go elsewhere. I figured this is something you may want to know.

If you want, give me a call at _______________ and I'll explain to you how you can fix this (figured by phone is easier).

Best regards,

Thiago Machado


Now...

This message took me 2 minutes to craft. So please, do not bash me for it. But I think it clearly demonstrates that

• Bob has a problem
• It's driving his customers away (or even to his competitors)
• I care about Bob because I think he should know about this problem (trust + honest customer feedback)
• I tell Bob to give me a call and I'll walk him through how to fix this.

Now... when Bob calls, even then I won't try to sell him.

I would take a consultative sales approach.

• I'd ask questions..
• I'd show Bob how I can't navigate his site.
• I'll point out errors such as typo-os, bad user interface design, and how his site doesn't convert.
• I'd probably even tell bob how much this is costing him.
• I'd show him that what I do is an investment not an expense. That Bob will most likely get a good ROI (since he's losing money now anyways).

And if Bob WANTS to fix this... "here's some stuff I've done Bob"

* I'd probably even email BOB a white paper with tips & tricks to drive traffic to his website, to make that traffic convert better, and etc.

I'd give BOB value!

So there you go brother...

The "big secret" here is focus on solving problems.

Just my 2 cents.

- Thiago Machado

*P.S.

 

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[silentjay]

Personally I wouldn't bother emailing, everyone with a website is getting hammered by Indian "SEOs/web devs" barely legible cold emails. One of your USPs is going to be local as you state so you either need to press the flesh or pick up the phone so they know you're a local.

Up to you to decide if this scales in a world of $99 Wordpress cookie cutter jobs. IMHO the personal touch doesn't unless you going after big fish who are happy to spend $10k on a website.

 

[Andy Black]

Not exactly what you asked, but maybe you'd be interested in this video I did:

• www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/progress-andytalks.64890/page-7#post-533479

 

[johk]

Hi,

Thanks guys – I appreciate the information and comments.

Thiago Machado that is w whole heap of information – appreciate you taking the time to reply.

As I work full time it is a bit hard to do the ‘phone-call’. Also, when making the phone call I have to find a nice quite place…doesn’t sound good when you have traffic in the background when doing a sales call…


I will digest the information and update the thread with the results.


Thanks

J

 

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[Andy Black]

Hey man,

Here's my 2 cents.

Thiago Machado's 2 Cents!​

1st Sentence

"We are an established family owned web design company with over 10yrs of experience located in …….."

Business owner's mind: "I have no idea who you are. Who's we? I don't care even if you were in 100 years of business, what do you want from me? I already have a website..."

You need to tune into WII FM! (what's in it for me).


2nd Sentence

"When I came across [company name] I noticed the current website is not responsive (Mobile Friendly), which is very important now days. Google penalizes sites that are not Mobile Friendly."

In the business owners mind, he may be thinking: " Penalized? For what!? Everything seems to be just fine..."

3rd Sentence

"We are able to build a professional site..."

Business owner's mind: Oh God... just another salesman... "No thanks, I already have one!"

"and get it up and running in under three weeks. "

You just pitched him, yet you just met him. He has no idea who you are, and here you are selling him something that in his mind, he "already has". You need to develop trust and rapport first. You need to discover his pain points and build value on top of that by showing him that you can solve his problems. You need to show him why he needs this. He clearly has a website, but why does it need to be redesigned? What's he missing out on?

The site will be mobile friendly and extremely easy for anyone at the company to update and maintain.

Who are you contacting? Most websites now a days are mobile friendly. It's not really much of a differentiator in this day and age. And if your prospects website is not mobile friendly, you clearly haven't shown him through your email pitch the benefit of him having one.

Want to know "the truth"?​

The truth is: a business owner does not care about having a website.

If that's all he cared about, he would purchase a $50 theme on themeforest and get his 15 year old nephew to set it up, not pay you $x,xxxx!

​

What do they really want?

• A conversion optimized website.
• A website that will give them highly quality leads.
• A website that will boost sales.
• A website that will make them more money!

If you're going to play the fear game, then you sell the benefits (as stated above) and just package it differently. (Look up PSA formula which is popularly used by Dan Kennedy. PSA stands from Problem, Agitation Solution).


Here's an example of what you can say...

"By not having a mobile optimized website, your website is not showing up on Google. It's also not user friendly, meaning people who browse it have a hard getting the information they need. And you know what happens when you're clients are having a hard time using your website? That's right... they leave"

So then think about your prospect...

Here he is spending money on advertising and SEO trying to drive traffic to his web page. Little does he know that people are having a hard time using his website and are leaving it in less than a minute.

What does this all mean to him?

• He's losing money on advertising.
• He's losing out on high quality leads and sales
• (So far he's losing money on both sides).

Back to my 2 cents...


Please let me know if you want an obligation fee quote.

Obligation has a negative connotation to it. Think about it... What do you think of when you hear that word?

"I am obligated"

It's seems like a druge. Something that is madatory; that goes against your will. To me it's synonymous to the word "pressure".

And once again, you clearly haven't discovered his pain points. How are you going to send him an "obligation fee quote" if you don't even know what he needs? there's a difference between a $500 project and a $10,000.


"Looking forward hearing from you."

I wouldn't...

​

To sum things up...
​

You're skipping a couple of steps.

You should really focus on getting that first contact with the person. Not sell him upfront.

Take it one step at a time. Make them reply to your email. Then have a conversation with them / try to get them on the phone. You're jumping straight to the point and I promise you either 2 things will happen by going about this approach.

1. You will not get any replies / sales with that email.
2. If you do, it will probably be from some uninformed, pain in the a$$, low quality client.

Seem's like you're overthinking as well.

Good copy doesn't need to sound like a billy mays infomercial.

There's a reason it's called "direct response" and not "direct sales copywriting"

That first contact can be as simple as:

Hey Bob,

I was just browsing your companies website and noticed a slight flaw. Chances are, if you're customers are anything like me, this problem is making it hard for them to get the information they need. Don't know if someone mentioned this to you before, but I just wanted to reach out to you because some people are impatient and are probably leaving your website to go elsewhere. I figured this is something you may want to know.

If you want, give me a call at _______________ and I'll explain to you how you can fix this (figured by phone is easier).

Best regards,

Thiago Machado


Now...

This message took me 2 minutes to craft. So please, do not bash me for it. But I think it clearly demonstrates that

• Bob has a problem
• It's driving his customers away (or even to his competitors)
• I care about Bob because I think he should know about this problem (trust + honest customer feedback)
• I tell Bob to give me a call and I'll walk him through how to fix this.

Now... when Bob calls, even then I won't try to sell him.

I would take a consultative sales approach.

• I'd ask questions..
• I'd show Bob how I can't navigate his site.
• I'll point out errors such as typo-os, bad user interface design, and how his site doesn't convert.
• I'd probably even tell bob how much this is costing him.
• I'd show him that what I do is an investment not an expense. That Bob will most likely get a good ROI (since he's losing money now anyways).

And if Bob WANTS to fix this... "here's some stuff I've done Bob"

* I'd probably even email BOB a white paper with tips & tricks to drive traffic to his website, to make that traffic convert better, and etc.

I'd give BOB value!

So there you go brother...

The "big secret" here is focus on solving problems.

Just my 2 cents.

- Thiago Machado

*P.S.

Tremendous post @Thiago Machado...

Business owners don't want a website, they want more leads and sales. Appeal to that.

Show them their bleeding neck.

"Show, don't tell." A quick screenshot goes a long way.



Get them onto the phone asap.



A Skype call is even better. Then you can drop into a quick screenshare too.

I fell into this by accident by trying to help people there and then: "Go into your AdWords account and share the screen and I can take a quick look now."

20 minutes later they're wiring me money to start work...

 

[Thiago Machado]

Tremendous post @Thiago Machado...

Business owners don't want a website, they want more leads and sales. Appeal to that .

Spot on, Andy.

It's one of those things where "you don't sell what you think you sell"

I think that's exactly what the OP should focus on.

Figure out the true, hidden desires of your ideal customers, and cater your message to them in an impactful and emotional way.

Here's an example of some businesses that "don't really sell what you think they sell".

Starbucks: Coffee beans are a commodity. It costs them about 3 cents worth of coffee beans to make a cup of coffee. Your local cafe or convenience store provides the same service of brewing the coffee, and you can usually get it for $1 or $2 a cup. But why is it that there is always a huge line of people wanting to pay about 5x more for the same item they can get across the street? It's the experience. Notice how there is almost a cult like following of people, loyal to their brand. They post pictures of themselves with a cup in their hand, usually trying to strike a pose to show cool and hip they are. Some people post pictures of a starbucks cup next to their computer, as if buying a cup of coffee suddenly made them creative and entrepreneurial in an instant. ("look at me! I'm working on my fastlane at starbucks!")

Mcdonalds: You can pretty much get a burger anywhere you go. But what's so different about mcdonalds? They don't sell burgers, they sell convenience.

• You can let your kids play on their playground. They have fun, and you finally have some peace and quiet time for yourself.
• If you travel, you know that Mcdonald's is always a safe option.
• Tired and too lazy to cook? In less than 10 minutes you can get a warm meal to satisfy your hunger, with no effort on your behalf.

Apple: Now, don't get me wrong. I loved apple's products. But what most people don't know is that they don't sell technology. These guys also sell experience on a whole other level. Now, in the U.S. , getting an iphone is pretty much something within everyone's reach. It's pretty affordable. Step outside the country and you'll see that an iphone is not just a phone, but a status symbol. And that's something Apple's real good at: selling a new way of life. (Once you go mac, you never go back).

• Having the latest iphone makes you seem up to date.
• Having the latest iphone means you've got money in the bank (in a lot of countries outside the U.S.)
• Working at starbucks on your macbook pro makes most people look and feel like a creative genius.
• For older people, there's still that good ol' saying: " Macs don't get viruses".
• For older folks, apple is a symbol of reliability. They can trust on an apple computer to get the job done (no blue screens of death for them!)

So you see OP, these companies took a simple product and transformed it into something completely different.
Most of these examples had nothing to do with the product itself, but by the things they were associated with it.

So in order to help you out: here's what selling a website can mean:

More customers coming to my door. Meaning I'll get a lot more work and can save up for that trip I've been wanting to take my wife on.
More inbound / high quality leads: I'll spend less time prospecting and more time closing sales. I'll work less and earn more.
Less money spent on advertising because conversions are higher: The money I save can be reinvested into the business (I can finally buy that new equipment that will make my life much easier).
Less stress. I wont have to run around marketing myself.
Easy maintenance: I won't have to call up my web developer everytime I need a slight change (and wait on him to change it too.)

So you see, it has nothing to do with the website itself, but how buying a website from you can essentially help your prospects get what they really want.

You've got alot of advice from me and other people on this thread.
Time to put that knowledge into action.

Keep us updated.

Best regards,

- Thiago


P.S. this is what it's all about.