Are 20-40 Years Old More Lonely Than Ever?

[Athena's Escape]

I've been noticing this problem more and more often recently: people in their late twenties/early thirties are lonely and have very few friends. Perhaps it's only limited to me, my girlfriend, and some people I know so I wanted to post this thread and figure this out. Here are a few thoughts to offer more detail:

• In my hometown, I have 0 friends with whom I meet up regularly. I had one friend until last year when his son was born. He had been telling me all the time that nothing would change when he would become a father (I never believed him) but now we talk only online. I think I saw him last time over six months ago. Before, we used to meet at least 2-3 times a week. My other friends who live in the same city have gone in a different direction in life and we don't really mesh that well anymore. We sometimes meet but usually I'm okay with just one meeting per 3 months or so.
• My other friends are almost exclusively virtual. We talk online but we rarely meet (1-2 times a year) or never. It's still good to be able to talk online but it's not the same as doing fun stuff together regularly and being spontaneous (impossible since they all live between 2-5 hours by car from where I live).
• Almost all our friends/people we know lack initiative. If I organize something, they will join but by themselves they almost never set up anything. This makes me feel that they don't really care much about the relationship. So in return, I don't put in that much effort anymore.
• In the case of my girlfriend, her friends have so little time that their lives are limited to work, home (with their partner), and their dogs. And we're talking about young people who supposedly should enjoy their youth.
• As sad as it is, unless I'm traveling or learning something new with a coach, this forum is usually the main way I interact with strangers. I do enjoy this but like I said above, I'd like to have some deep friendships with people I trust that share my values and are available to do fun stuff together. As it is now, whatever new things I do, I just hire a coach and sometimes he or she becomes my sort of friend.
• Speaking of traveling, I've found that it's usually way easier to find like-minded people when visiting places that interest us and match our values. But these relationships have the same problem: they're almost exclusively virtual. So in the end it's nice when you're there but it sort of dies when you're not there (which is kind of understandable if it's a new relationship).
• Curiously, we often see people way older than we are who enjoy rich social lives. Heck, I think that my parents may actually have more friends and a richer social life than I do even though they live in the countryside and rarely leave their homes lol.

What are your thoughts, experiences, suggestions, whatever else is on your mind?

Late to this party but your observation is spot on! So many layers to this issue though...

Societal shifts in geographical moving patterns and work patterns, more importance put on online interactions and hyperrealities than ever before, higher divorce rates than previous decades (and the associated losses of relationships that go along with divorce), more generalized anxiety in the population than ever before, younger generations that lack some of the social skills of their predecessors, etc.

So. Many. Layers.

And now add COVID fears into the mix and real life face to face interactions now carry a health risk factor that wasn't there before.

It's really a shame too because in my field (relationship therapy) we see more and more anti-social behaviors and less relationship building, prosocial behaviors. The things that build not just strong relationships at the micro level but strong communities at large..

For example, "ghosting" is often the preferred solution when there are problems in a relationship now (both dating and friendships) as opposed to facing the discomfort of working through the issue face to face (or even text to text).

So yes, completely agreed with your observation here. The larger consequences of this trend... the lack of close relationships, are yet to be seen but I hear this exact issue from 20s and 30s folks all the time, and deal with it myself.

Perhaps at some point we'll begin placing high importance on relationships again as a society and us younger generations will do more to cultivate our friendships and build "framily" where we live. Much easier to build and maintain them in your immediate community than trying to keep those relationships alive via technology when they're probably already on life support as it is.

Lessons from the world's "blue zones" come to mind here.

 

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[T. Davis]

What are your thoughts, experiences, suggestions, whatever else is on your mind?

I've been struggling with this too. I recently moved back to my home town to be closer to family, but I'm not sure I can find my tribe here. (I've had a tribe in the past, so I remember the feeling of it.) I do have childhood friends here who I love, but I'm not really feeling fulfilled by my social interactions.

So I keep scheduling coffee dates, asking for people's phone numbers, and going to meetups with local entrepreneurs... but it's not hitting the spot. I know it takes time, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what exactly is missing. If I could figure out the problem, I could figure out a solution.

It's definitely lonely during the day when I have the flexibility to do social activities and no one else does, but it's more than that.

It's definitely alienating when no one understands what I'm striving for, but it's more than that.

It's definitely uninspiring going to the same places and doing the same things we've been doing for 30 years, but it's more than that.

I think for me, it's a fundamental lack of REAL connection. What does it mean to connect FOR REAL? Perhaps to listen, and understand, and empathize, and engage with our full selves... I *think* that's what I need.

Does anyone actually do that anymore? If so, want to be friends?

 

[Athena's Escape]

I think for me, it's a fundamental lack of REAL connection. What does it mean to connect FOR REAL? Perhaps to listen, and understand, and empathize, and engage with our full selves... I *think* that's what I need.

Does anyone actually do that anymore? If so, want to be friends?

Yes. It still happens. At least I hear it does, somewhere in the universe. It really is a lost value and yet it's one of the fundamental things that contribute to longevity and a life of meaning.

I don't remember the last time I felt like I was amongst my tribe but I still have hope to regain that feeling!

You have a friend here if you'd like to connect FOR REAL.

 

[Tony100]

I came across this podcast @MTF and was reminded of your post. (Watch from 25:18).

I hate Love Island but I heard Molly Mae got a backlash from this interview so I had a listen. She has done really well for herself and only 22 years old - 6 million instagram followers, creative director of Pretty Little Thing, a very successful influencer with lots of deals.

She has few friends, doesn't drink, doesn't party and has no interest in having a social life. She likes it that way and I can relate. I prefer to focus on my goals.

I do have a few friends who I know I can always rely on however they are busy business owners so we rarely go out socially. I've met people through meetup.com and I know I could develop friendships with them and could hang out with people a few times a week. But I'm really not bothered about doing that, so I don't. 1) I enjoy socialising but I enjoy working towards my goals more, 2) I plan to leave this city in a couple of years, 3) A lot of social life in your 20's revolves around drinking and I really hate hangovers and the effect this has on my productivity and mood 4) As much as I enjoy hanging out with friends via meetup, the friendship is usually temporary even if you have lots in common. People move away, get partners, have children. The best friendships are when you have something in common where you meet regularly - neighbours, work colleagues, business partners, a weekly martial arts class etc, back in time also college/school friends. 5) I'm close to my parents and that's probably why I don't get lonely anyway.

In a few years, I would like to move away from this city, start a different business and make friends via that business. That's the kind of friendship I enjoy, where we work towards a common goal that we are passionate about.

 

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[starttoday123]

I got Bumble bff this last weekend to make friends myself. There's tons of people on it in my area to make friends. I "matched" with a number of people in just one weekend. Women are meeting platonically to go thrift shopping together, get coffee, go to concerts, get manicures, get food etc. with strangers basically. As for how it goes for me idk yet lol. If nothing, I decided to use it to work on my conversational skills with complete strangers.

Also YouTube videos/channels entirely on the subject of having no friends are seeing so much growth I've seen

 

[dool1002]

This is a very interesting thread. I've observed this myself and noticed that most of the "friendship" described on this thread here are "negotiated" kinds of relationships (ie. based on common interest of a physical activity or hobby). These types of relationship are mostly acquaintances.

Although I have few friends, my inner social circle comprises mostly of people who I can rely on for resources or assistance, get some insights or ideas, discuss and share an unfiltered conversation without being ridiculed or argued, etc, all while expecting nothing in return. I can call them up or visit them almost anytime. Like if I need emergency cash for a project or need a reliable suppliers, they would gladly help out and ask for nothing in return (though I return the favour on every occasion). These kind of relationships are typically timeless, trustless and antifragile.

There is a catch, these kinds of relationships were built on my part being a selfless, dedicated, and resourceful person. Thus, as mentioned before in this thread, you need to be a leader, take initiative, and show some commitment but most importantly find opportunities where you become the unexpected reliable and valuable person.

 

[Guyfieri5]

My advice is to find groups that do things you like to do. Not to try and convert your current friends.

I've learned this the hard way. It's impossible to convert friends over to self-development most of the time. I can't even hang out with some older college buddies because all they do is party and drink and think it's odd I don't want to do that anymore.

 

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[WJK]

This is a very interesting thread. I've observed this myself and noticed that most of the "friendship" described on this thread here are "negotiated" kinds of relationships (ie. based on common interest of a physical activity or hobby). These types of relationship are mostly acquaintances.

Although I have few friends, my inner social circle comprises mostly of people who I can rely on for resources or assistance, get some insights or ideas, discuss and share an unfiltered conversation without being ridiculed or argued, etc, all while expecting nothing in return. I can call them up or visit them almost anytime. Like if I need emergency cash for a project or need a reliable suppliers, they would gladly help out and ask for nothing in return (though I return the favour on every occasion). These kind of relationships are typically timeless, trustless and antifragile.

There is a catch, these kinds of relationships were built on my part being a selfless, dedicated, and resourceful person. Thus, as mentioned before in this thread, you need to be a leader, take initiative, and show some commitment but most importantly find opportunities where you become the unexpected reliable and valuable person.

Over time, these relationships will build into lifetime friendships. Some of my friends go back 35 or 40 years -- or longer. You will tend to run with a more and more select group of people. They won't have large numbers, but that sense of loyalty will carry you far.

 

[Bouncing Soul]

Social media is a double edged sword, especially for introverts. An extrovert is not going to feel fulfilled tweeting, they’ll go find people to connect with, because they’re comfortable doing it.

My son recently explained to me that in his grade school class there are cliques based on which video game kids play. Zuck doesn’t rate for them, but he is a convenient boogeyman for the right generation (mine!). “Kill Your Television” was a saying before, largely based on similar thoughts as this thread is showing.

Technology drives so much of how generations connect. Tech platforms are getting more and more engaging, it will be interesting to see the societal impacts.

Once you have a family/kids, it gets pretty hard to have close friends who don’t have kids roughly the same age and with parents who don’t have some commonality in parenting values. That said, now with kids and in my 40’s I have more friends outside work than ever…by a lot.

 

[Guyfieri5]

I grew up with this same issue. Playing video games for 13 hours a day and spending the rest of the remaining time sleeping or engaging in other wasteful activities didn’t serve me in the social skills department. I had to go out and learn how to socialize when I got older and I’m still developing that part of myself now. I think loneliness, like anything, can be overcome by learning a skillset. Social skills can be learned and it’s unfortunate not much emphasis is put on it these days.

 

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[Timmy C]

Do you hang out with them after doing the activities or only when doing them? Because I find it's one thing to go, say, rock climbing in a gym, and talk with a few people you know (not really satisfying socially), and another to have a friend who also happens to be a rock climber.

Have you considered they don't hang put with you outside of that because they don't like you?

Not being a dick BTW.

As I have found this also.

 

[MTF]

Have you considered they don't hang put with you outside of that because they don't like you?

Not being a dick BTW.

As I have found this also.

Haha it's possible. I'm a difficult person to hang out with as I don't do any nightlife stuff and prefer to go on a walk with people.

 

[Timmy C]

I am not lonely, but I do have things to work on in the social anxiety department.

I used to be outgoing Years ago, but if you don't use it you lose it.

I've just started talking to random people during the day now.

Anyone I see I talk to, and am trying to get used to it again.

I speak to people at my MMA gym, and this place gives me meaning in my life which is cool.

But outside of that, I need to get better at meeting people anywhere and everywhere.

Striking up conversations etc.

I found it fairly effortless when I was up until about the age of 22.

But now, at 31, I find meeting people super hard.

 

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[WillHurtDontCare]

Join an MMA gym and meet people there.

Post insane shit on Twitter and forums and makes friends with people.

Odds are that people who are lonely aren't being creative enough with how they search for friends.

Also, if you are constantly working on skills that take years to develop (camping, guns, MMA, etc), seek out other people who do those things. You should look for more from friendships than just people to shoot the shit with - befriend people who you have a shared sense of struggle with (either because you struggled together or because both of you walked down the same hard path at different times). Play long term games with long term people.

Also, go to events that require some sacrifice (travel, money, etc). This will help you find people who are at least somewhat serious about their interests. i met one of my current good friends at the Fastlane Summit.

Also, you should let a lot of people go. Most of them don't matter, and if you have five close friends, then you've done exceptionally well for yourself.

 

[Prince33]

I grew up with this same issue. Playing video games for 13 hours a day and spending the rest of the remaining time sleeping or engaging in other wasteful activities didn’t serve me in the social skills department. I had to go out and learn how to socialize when I got older and I’m still developing that part of myself now. I think loneliness, like anything, can be overcome by learning a skillset. Social skills can be learned and it’s unfortunate not much emphasis is put on it these days.

I was the same but started a podcast in 2018 where I interviewed random people on the streets of Seattle. In just a few months peope were saying things like "you have the gift of gab!" or "youre a people person". Just one year earlier I was on a 10 year streak of video games, social media and no friends.

My 'dating' life also became a thing then, went two meetups a week and more and I was twenty four at the time, no excuses

 

[KindlyCutTheCrap]

Late to this party but your observation is spot on! So many layers to this issue though...

Societal shifts in geographical moving patterns and work patterns, more importance put on online interactions and hyperrealities than ever before, higher divorce rates than previous decades (and the associated losses of relationships that go along with divorce), more generalized anxiety in the population than ever before, younger generations that lack some of the social skills of their predecessors, etc.

So. Many. Layers.

And now add COVID fears into the mix and real life face to face interactions now carry a health risk factor that wasn't there before.

It's really a shame too because in my field (relationship therapy) we see more and more anti-social behaviors and less relationship building, prosocial behaviors. The things that build not just strong relationships at the micro level but strong communities at large..

For example, "ghosting" is often the preferred solution when there are problems in a relationship now (both dating and friendships) as opposed to facing the discomfort of working through the issue face to face (or even text to text).

So yes, completely agreed with your observation here. The larger consequences of this trend... the lack of close relationships, are yet to be seen but I hear this exact issue from 20s and 30s folks all the time, and deal with it myself.

Perhaps at some point we'll begin placing high importance on relationships again as a society and us younger generations will do more to cultivate our friendships and build "framily" where we live. Much easier to build and maintain them in your immediate community than trying to keep those relationships alive via technology when they're probably already on life support as it is.

Lessons from the world's "blue zones" come to mind here.

It's good to see this post. I'm in my 50s and found loneliness to be a long-term issue and only recently resolved.

I had no idea that so many other people in their 20s to 40s felt the same. The internet wasn't around 15 years ago so there was no forum to share these kinds of feelings and people didn't talk about it. It felt very isolated because there was no place to bring it to the open. It's definitely better with the internet around - just to see others with the same issues.

Throughout my life, I found it difficult to connect with others because I had such a complicated early life and I have an introspective character although I'm very outgoing (an introspective extravert). Most people seemed superficial so although I tried to be connect at their level, it didn't alleviate the loneliness because I didn't feel like I was me. It just felt like I was disconnecting from myself and therefore increasing the loneliness.

I took up meditation to help access the underlying emotions and parts of my being that were making it difficult to connect with myself and therefore others. I've found loving-kindness practices particularly helpful, especially John Makransky's book Awakening through Love. One meditation practice I personally found very helpful is receiving gracefully. Every time a person does something for me, I pause and say thank you in a meaningful way. Every. Single. Time. It helps me feel less like everything is going out and more able to deal with the natural difficulties that arise.

Since my early 20s, I lived in different countries so I know a bit about how to connect with people in a new place.

The thing that made me less lonely in my 20s living in a big city abroad was learning to jive. I went every week (sometimes a couple of times a week) because it was the only touch I received. The exercise and touch really helped. It was an anglophone country like my own but the people weren't very warm.

Other people I know joined a choir (better if there's a tea-break to chat with people) and someone else joined a tennis group. Another person learnt to sail because it was a small group of people keeping company for several hours. It needs to be something where people are hanging out waiting so you can make conversation while it's your turn.

A few years ago, I moved to the same country but another town and found the people really hard to connect with even though they spoke English too. Since I meditate, I made the conscious decision to treat it like a long-term meditation retreat to work on myself. It didn't take the loneliness away but it gave me something to do on the weekends, I was in the company of people who were at least interested in the same topics as me, and it helped me become a kinder person to myself and others. As soon as I left that country and came home, I was really happy for all that I'd learnt during that time.

A few months ago, I moved interstate in my own country so the cultural and language differences aren't so great. I joined the gym which is very family friendly so the kids are around everywhere and the owner talks a lot about mental health. And I joined Toastmasters. The people aren't going to be my long-term friends but it's been helpful to connect with people IRL, learn about different things in the community, gain public speaking skills and get out of the house each fortnight.

Hope someone finds this post supportive. Now that the pandemic has pretty much ended, it's likely to be much easier to connect.

 

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[ygtrhos]

• Almost all our friends/people we know lack initiative. If I organize something, they will join but by themselves they almost never set up anything. This makes me feel that they don't really care much about the relationship. So in return, I don't put in that much effort anymore.

I can relate to this totally.

Due to my background, I have so many friends, who I feel they genuinely like me and find me interesting. But they almost never put the legwork to visit me in my city (which is kinda like 3-4 hrs of train ride, doable once every 1-2 years)

But when I put the legwork in it, we see and enjoy ourselves in THEIR cities.

They could always crash on my couch, I am full of ideas and I know a shitload of places to see around my own city. Times like now, I have a car and I love riding people around. Yet sticking on the screen and youtubing seems to be more attractive to most people.

My question to successful entrepreneurs: would you really mind befriending a wantrapreneur, who does experiments on the side but not getting success yet?

It would be amazing to make friends, travel together, play soccer regularly and if that friend can actually give advice / mentor you.

 

[MartinG]

Is anyones business here their social life also? Ie does anyone have a bar/coffee shop/gym that provides their community/friendships etc?

I know these ain’t exactly fast lane (if you have working full time in one) but I do know having worked in bars/nightclubs for 7 years (in an events organiser company) that it allowed me to forge friendships/relationships even to this day (I know longer do it). And the time spent working in this environment was very social and enjoyable for the most part.

I find working on an internet business to be a much more lonely endeavour.

 

[Dangerous Donna]

I can relate to your experiences. One of my biggest challenges is that the friends I did have weren't really great friends to begin with. I have since struggled to make new friends my whole life. All my original friends and family haven't really done much or changed much in life I am the only one who has gone off and done anything. So we have nothing in common.

I do long for close friends but I am not as lonely as I used to be. I've spent my entire adult life alone and I have just learned to repress loneliness (I guess as a survival technique).

I feel like I am at a crossroads that I have struggled with for a long time. On one side is the old friends, family, and bad habits trying to pull me down. On the other side is me trying to go off into a new life with new friends.

The problem with old friends, family, and acquaintances is they are all scripted and are very much content with a bullshit mediocre life. However, they also dislike this lifestyle but are not willing to do anything to change it.

I feel like I am ready to move on as I have outgrown my old friends, family, and habits. But I don't know where to start. I don't really have much success to speak of or any prospects right now. I don't know where my new entry point is in terms of social circles.

I do know that geography plays a big role in things. Obviously, being in a larger city helps out as opposed to being out in the sticks or a small town.

You have to take into consideration technology that keeps people distracted and addicted to a digital life than one in person. I know so many people that prefer texting to speaking over the phone and chatting online than in-person interaction. You also now have Covid making it even harder for in-person interaction and activities.

My goals moving forward is to just seek out in-person meetups and activities that interest me and align with my values. In the past I let fear and negative self-talk prevent me from taking risks. But on the other hand, I have gone out alone and taken chances before and had a good time. You just need to be consistent.

I am an entrepreneur, lots of clients and minimal friends to do activities. I have 2 dogs and 2 horses that I spend time. Your right on making friends in the direction one wants to go. Therefore, I put my horses at a ranch for training and now the environment is new and I’m making friends. It’s my country club lol

 

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[Andy Black]

Is anyones business here their social life also? Ie does anyone have a bar/coffee shop/gym that provides their community/friendships etc?

I know these ain’t exactly fast lane (if you have working full time in one) but I do know having worked in bars/nightclubs for 7 years (in an events organiser company) that it allowed me to forge friendships/relationships even to this day (I know longer do it). And the time spent working in this environment was very social and enjoyable for the most part.

I find working on an internet business to be a much more lonely endeavour.

Interesting. My business kind of is also part of my social life. I provide a B2B service. I hop on calls with business owners all the time and shoot the breeze. I enjoy it and it helps my business.

 

[Lex DeVille]

The Solution?
I'm not sure. I'm considering church. I'm not religious, and I'm probably the last person someone would think would attend church. But reflecting on the earlier parts of my life, I realize that church (at least as it exists where I am) is one of the last remnants of the values above.

Church groups are typically small tribes built around values of community, family, masculinity. Not only that, but intelligent people can easily become leaders within a church, and then gain enormous influence to affect the congregation.

Church groups also tend to have sub-tribal events to support their community - men's night, kids events, senior retreats, women's night etc. Lastly, church groups position you to meet people, network, and grow your local sphere of influence beyond the church.

In other words, churches tend to embrace the values above. They have leadership as a central element and a focus on God which translates back into these values in different ways whether you believe in God or not.

Becoming the Solution
This is the only answer that makes any sense to me.

Church is not *the solution* because the problems of the changing world make their way through the Church's doors as well. I think Church is a good starting point for a local social support system base, but it is the individuals within those walls that either build up or break down that community.

So I guess leadership is ultimately the solution.

You have to decide what your values are, and then you have to figure out how to build up a social system around you that supports those values, whether they are the values above, or are something else. This is, in my opinion, how you can create a deep sense of community, family, and friendship, even when the people around you aren't necessarily like you.

Wanted to follow up on this, since I chose to do it. Here is what my experience has been:

I started attending my piano instructor's church a couple weeks ago. The church is a small tribe built around values of community, family, masculinity, etc. Being a church, all of these values stand on a foundational structure of "Godliness."

Walking in, I was greeted, and invited in like family. The first week, I only attended the main service since I was alone, but I met a number of people. The second week there was a breakfast in place of Sunday School, so I brought my daughter with me. During the breakfast, I met many church members.

From there, I was invited to the Church's backyard Bible study (like a mini VBS for kids) taking place that evening at the pastor's house. I attended with my daughter and met more church members. During this event, I talked with the pastor about my skillset. He mentioned he owns a local business and needs to hire a copywriter and web designer. I also met other men who seemed excited to see someone new of my age show up. When it was over, I offered to help break down the tents and outdoor equipment.

In the second Sunday service, the church's upcoming men's group meeting was mentioned. That was Wednesday. I chose to attend and offered to help with setup and breakdown. We watched a movie called "Courageous" which is about being a man of God and a good father/husband/man. Here, I met new men and discussed copywriting and web design (bear in mind I'm not offering these services). At the end of the service, the men's service leader (not the pastor) brought up the agreement mentioned in the movie (a formal agreement to be a man of God) and said those who want to will have an opportunity to make the same agreement/commitment in an upcoming meeting.

Thoughts

This was the right decision for me. It's providing a sense of community, a sense of social connectedness, and a focus on family and values. The church is small, so there are many opportunities to get involved and take up roles that can make a real difference for other people. I'm also discovering that there are many business owners in the Church.

Overall, I'm glad I chose to do this and will continue attending. I believe it will provide a good foundation for my daughter to learn and grow in a place where she can be surrounded by good people while learning about God and Christianity so she has more than one perspective to grow from.

Is it the right decision for everyone? Maybe not. But I haven't found anything else that embodies what I was searching for more closely than finding a good church. It is very much like having a second family, and I'm starting to understand things about my own family/past/parents that I didn't understand when I was younger. The new perspective is refreshing.

Where does it all lead for me? I don't know. But I definitely feel more connected, and my local support network is rapidly expanding. I'm starting to feel a sense of purpose, and the masculine values I hold are respected in this place as a pillar of strength and resolve rather than being bashed or shamed. For those reasons, I will continue to explore this path and discover where it goes.

 

[BizyDad]

Wanted to follow up on this, since I chose to do it. Here is what my experience has been:

I started attending my piano instructor's church a couple weeks ago. The church is a small tribe built around values of community, family, masculinity, etc. Being a church, all of these values stand on a foundational structure of "Godliness."

Walking in, I was greeted, and invited in like family. The first week, I only attended the main service since I was alone, but I met a number of people. The second week there was a breakfast in place of Sunday School, so I brought my daughter with me. During the breakfast, I met many church members.

From there, I was invited to the Church's backyard Bible study (like a mini VBS for kids) taking place that evening at the pastor's house. I attended with my daughter and met more church members. During this event, I talked with the pastor about my skillset. He mentioned he owns a local business and needs to hire a copywriter and web designer. I also met other men who seemed excited to see someone new of my age show up. When it was over, I offered to help break down the tents and outdoor equipment.

In the second Sunday service, the church's upcoming men's group meeting was mentioned. That was Wednesday. I chose to attend and offered to help with setup and breakdown. We watched a movie called "Courageous" which is about being a man of God and a good father/husband/man. Here, I met new men and discussed copywriting and web design (bear in mind I'm not offering these services). At the end of the service, the men's service leader (not the pastor) brought up the agreement mentioned in the movie (a formal agreement to be a man of God) and said those who want to will have an opportunity to make the same agreement/commitment in an upcoming meeting.

Thoughts

This was the right decision for me. It's providing a sense of community, a sense of social connectedness, and a focus on family and values. The church is small, so there are many opportunities to get involved and take up roles that can make a real difference for other people. I'm also discovering that there are many business owners in the Church.

Overall, I'm glad I chose to do this and will continue attending. I believe it will provide a good foundation for my daughter to learn and grow in a place where she can be surrounded by good people while learning about God and Christianity so she has more than one perspective to grow from.

Is it the right decision for everyone? Maybe not. But I haven't found anything else that embodies what I was searching for more closely than finding a good church. It is very much like having a second family, and I'm starting to understand things about my own family/past/parents that I didn't understand when I was younger. The new perspective is refreshing.

Where does it all lead for me? I don't know. But I definitely feel more connected, and my local support network is rapidly expanding. I'm starting to feel a sense of purpose, and the masculine values I hold are respected in this place as a pillar of strength and resolve rather than being bashed or shamed. For those reasons, I will continue to explore this path and discover where it goes.

@Lex DeVille is going to church. And liking it.

Folks, miracles do happen.

Kidding aside, I'm glad you found a tribe Lex. I had a similar experience post-divorce and it has been an important part of my healing journey.

 

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[Black_Dragon43]

@Lex DeVille is going to church. And liking it.

Goddamn, Is it possible even for Lucifer to repent?

 

[Guest-5ty5s4]

Wanted to follow up on this, since I chose to do it. Here is what my experience has been:

I started attending my piano instructor's church a couple weeks ago. The church is a small tribe built around values of community, family, masculinity, etc. Being a church, all of these values stand on a foundational structure of "Godliness."

Walking in, I was greeted, and invited in like family. The first week, I only attended the main service since I was alone, but I met a number of people. The second week there was a breakfast in place of Sunday School, so I brought my daughter with me. During the breakfast, I met many church members.

From there, I was invited to the Church's backyard Bible study (like a mini VBS for kids) taking place that evening at the pastor's house. I attended with my daughter and met more church members. During this event, I talked with the pastor about my skillset. He mentioned he owns a local business and needs to hire a copywriter and web designer. I also met other men who seemed excited to see someone new of my age show up. When it was over, I offered to help break down the tents and outdoor equipment.

In the second Sunday service, the church's upcoming men's group meeting was mentioned. That was Wednesday. I chose to attend and offered to help with setup and breakdown. We watched a movie called "Courageous" which is about being a man of God and a good father/husband/man. Here, I met new men and discussed copywriting and web design (bear in mind I'm not offering these services). At the end of the service, the men's service leader (not the pastor) brought up the agreement mentioned in the movie (a formal agreement to be a man of God) and said those who want to will have an opportunity to make the same agreement/commitment in an upcoming meeting.

Thoughts

This was the right decision for me. It's providing a sense of community, a sense of social connectedness, and a focus on family and values. The church is small, so there are many opportunities to get involved and take up roles that can make a real difference for other people. I'm also discovering that there are many business owners in the Church.

Overall, I'm glad I chose to do this and will continue attending. I believe it will provide a good foundation for my daughter to learn and grow in a place where she can be surrounded by good people while learning about God and Christianity so she has more than one perspective to grow from.

Is it the right decision for everyone? Maybe not. But I haven't found anything else that embodies what I was searching for more closely than finding a good church. It is very much like having a second family, and I'm starting to understand things about my own family/past/parents that I didn't understand when I was younger. The new perspective is refreshing.

Where does it all lead for me? I don't know. But I definitely feel more connected, and my local support network is rapidly expanding. I'm starting to feel a sense of purpose, and the masculine values I hold are respected in this place as a pillar of strength and resolve rather than being bashed or shamed. For those reasons, I will continue to explore this path and discover where it goes.

@Lex DeVille is going to church. And liking it.

Folks, miracles do happen.

Kidding aside, I'm glad you found a tribe Lex. I had a similar experience post-divorce and it has been an important part of my healing journey.

Church is generally supposed to be about love. I know the forum is not about religion, so I will just leave it at that and say I am happy for y'all.

 

[Simon Angel]

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUBJ3csXs2Q


People from this generation (Gen X) that could see themselves being in this video, did you also experience loneliness and a lack of friends 5, 6, or 7+ years after graduation?

It does look fun and people in the comments keep going about how everyone was more connected when there were no phones and social media (oh, the irony) and that makes sense. But was that actually the case?

I mean, I had fun in high school too and that was just 6-7 years ago for me. A lot like what you'd see in this video, except it was not 1987 but 2017.

Now, however, I'm progressively isolating myself more and more, and a lot of that comes from moving into another city with my girlfriend.

 

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[WJK]

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUBJ3csXs2Q


People from this generation (Gen X) that could see themselves being in this video, did you also experience loneliness and a lack of friends 5, 6, or 7+ years after graduation?

It does look fun and people in the comments keep going about how everyone was more connected when there were no phones and social media (oh, the irony) and that makes sense. But was that actually the case?

I mean, I had fun in high school too and that was just 6-7 years ago for me. A lot like what you'd see in this video, except it was not 1987 but 2017.

Now, however, I'm progressively isolating myself more and more, and a lot of that comes from moving into another city with my girlfriend.

This is a problem with each step in your journey. As you become more successful, you leave a lot of people behind. And you are no longer welcome in their little group. They have a vested interest in getting you back to their level or they must expel you. Sometimes it is even built into the system.

Here's a perfect example. A friend of mine was appointed a judge in the court system. Part of her background was working in the DA's office. Then she moved on to a State legal office in a different area before her appointment. She now cannot be friends with ANYONE practicing law in most of the system -- that includes most of her friends before her appointment. Those people could now appear before her so she can no longer be their friend. I understand and I'm here for her.

I've found it useful to have several social groups going at the same time. They normally have nothing to do with one another. That way I can dabble socially. It's fun.

 

[PC123]

I've found it useful to have several social groups going at the same time. They normally have nothing to do with one another. That way I can dabble socially. It's fun.

That's a wise approach!

 

[PapaGang]

I hang out at a shared workspace / cafe, and I routinely run into at least a half dozen people and usually the chances are 50% that I end up having lunch or drinks with them in the evening. I'm part of a couple of clubs that were formed over a shared interest. I'm 50 and probably end up hanging out with people three to four times a week, which is sometimes more than my 19 year old.

Agree with @MJ DeMarco and @Johnny boy - It takes effort & leadership. I also think it's an awesome opportunity right now to start a meetup—or a curated club if you want to have a smaller circle of friends—that meets regularly. There has never been a better time to offer in person experiences. We've just come through some pretty unprecedented events that killed a lot of in-person meetups, so when I go to my club meetups, I find a lot of enthusiasm, joy and connection. Sometimes I even walk away with a business opportunity, but I'm not looking for that. I'm looking to make a connection and expand my view of the world.

Although social media, games and the internet are easy targets, I recently read a passage in "Affluenza" that profiled the difference in American culture vs. Japanese culture. The authors focused on the fact that Americans valued freedom and the culture often emphasizes individualism and achieving success and accumulating wealth and possessions (markers of status and happiness).

On the other hand, Japan has a cultural emphasis on collectivism, group harmony, and social cohesion. While Japan also values hard work and success, material possessions are not always seen as the primary source of personal happiness and fulfillment. Instead, there is often a greater focus on interpersonal relationships, personal growth, collective experiences, and a sense of purpose. But they have their own problems with a declining population and young men terrified to date someone IRL.

I don't think social media and culture are the only culprits though. We also have to admit we can be pretty lazy if we're enabled. As @Johnny boy mentioned, a lot of people simply don't want to overcome their inertia to get out and meet people when they can sit and stream movies and games, preferring to wear the "introvert" hat that day. The digital revolution means they don't necessarily have to go out.

Although like every other choice in life, there is a price to be paid.

 

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[PapaGang]

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUBJ3csXs2Q


People from this generation (Gen X) that could see themselves being in this video, did you also experience loneliness and a lack of friends 5, 6, or 7+ years after graduation?

As a GenXer who attended high school the same time as that video, I will volunteer to answer.

In short, no.
6 years after graduation my girlfriend and I still had house parties every weekend, either with friends or family.
We had a pretty active social life. Even 10 years later. A lot of music, food, and activities. Our weeks were full. In fact, we once moved across the country because our social schedules were too crazy, and we couldn't even go to the grocery store without seeing someone we knew and being invited to yet another thing. The town got too small for us. That's hard to believe, but we felt like we actually wanted to get lost someplace where we didn't know a soul. So we did it, and grew another circle of friends over time.

I don't really recall any loneliness setting in until much later, when we had wifi and Netflix DVDs arriving in the mail. Having kids sometimes isolates you from a number of friends, and over time you end up picking up more who share the same position in life that you do.

It's tougher to get people together now but it's not too difficult. We host crab boils, beer brewing sessions, BBQs, picnics at the beer gardens in town, outings to old supper clubs, racing Camaros to Bon Jovi soundtracks , etc.

It takes effort, and it takes the right friends, but it can be done, and it's rewarding as hell.

 

[Simon Angel]

As a GenXer who attended high school the same time as that video, I will volunteer to answer.

In short, no.
6 years after graduation my girlfriend and I still had house parties every weekend, either with friends or family.
We had a pretty active social life. Even 10 years later. A lot of music, food, and activities. Our weeks were full. In fact, we once moved across the country because our social schedules were too crazy, and we couldn't even go to the grocery store without seeing someone we knew and being invited to yet another thing. The town got too small for us. That's hard to believe, but we felt like we actually wanted to get lost someplace where we didn't know a soul. So we did it, and grew another circle of friends over time.

I don't really recall any loneliness setting in until much later, when we had wifi and Netflix DVDs arriving in the mail. Having kids sometimes isolates you from a number of friends, and over time you end up picking up more who share the same position in life that you do.

It's tougher to get people together now but it's not too difficult. We host crab boils, beer brewing sessions, BBQs, picnics at the beer gardens in town, outings to old supper clubs, racing Camaros to Bon Jovi soundtracks , etc.

It takes effort, and it takes the right friends, but it can be done, and it's rewarding as hell.

How did you end up meeting new people when you moved? Work?

EDIT: Nevermind. I just saw your other post