It's 8:50 am

[Mike Stoian]

It's 8:50 am. I'm the first one in the office. I always come early because It's my first good programming job and I question myself just enough to where I'm always afraid I'm not good enough, or do enough. So I'm always early at least.

I've been working on an MVP for the past 3-4 months. Work has been sporadic. Sometimes I get out of bed, sometimes I don't. I'm always burnt out.
I wake up at 5 am, 'try' to work 1-2 hours on my product, then leave off for work and get back home around 7 pm, at which point I am a walking zombie and just cook and jump back to bed.

That routine has sort of worked. The idea of giving up has never crossed my mind and I've made sort of consistent progress. But lately it's getting harder and harder to keep going. Harder and harder to give up the video games while everyone I used to spend time with enjoys them on the evenings. Harder and harder to spend time with my girlfriend when the only time off I have, I spend cooking and trying to get the stress from my job out of my mind so I can fall asleep and hopefully wake up in the morning with enough energy to work on the product.

I go on the subway and see people mindlessly consuming whatever shitty entertainment they can, shitty games/tv shows they would never bother wasting time on if they hadn't already watched every other show on netflix... and i wonder. Wouldn't I possibly be happier if I was like them?... rather than the overworked dopamine deficient guy I am now?
I don't know. I just know that on the long therm, I can't live like this, and I can't live like everyone else. But on the short term, working all day with absolute zero time spent on fun activities is draining me to death.

I've already accepted the idea of losing all my friends. I've already mentally disconnected from work colleagues and that whole environment (but I am still dependent on that job). I've already died multiple times in order to kill the parts of me that were holding me back into the scripted life. And so, most of the work has been done. The inner work at least.
I know what I must do, and I am not scared by unforseen events. They always come. But the drudgery of the desert is taking it's toll.

It's completely obvious to me why so few make it. The whole scripted sugarcoating that keeps you licking a rusty pipe rather than going for the cake. The whole conditioned fear and limitations that everyone happily burdens you with. And then the actual drudgery of crawling through the desert after your work has already taken 12h a day from you and you're supposed to give your best after your best has fully been squeezed dry.

I understand it all now. And I respect all of you who have managed to go through it all. And one day, sooner rather than later I will get there too.

And still with all this bullshit holding me back, trying to shackle me to the floor, I still somehow get up. Sometimes I have days on end where I don't work and then all of a sudden I hear this inner music. My head replays to me the music that gets my heart going and it might sound cringe, but that music reminds me of all the characters, fictional or real that have gone through similar hardships. That continual hero's journey that every culture on earth just subconsciously understands. And I realise that I am on my own hero's journey. One in which escaping the script is just a step, just a temporary boss fight..... and so I keep going on, sometimes running, sometimes walking and often times crawling.

I'm really tired. So cheers to anyone else on this forum that's tired too. Wish you the best. Keep crawling.
Mike.

 

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[BizyDad]

Keep your head up Mike. It gets better.

 

[100ToOne]

You're doing a great job. Keep going.

I would just like to add, maybe some people might find this demotivating, but sometimes when you chew more than you can swallow you choke.

Maybe, if it's really killing you, instead of 2 hours working on it in the morning, do it for an hour and use that extra hour for fun activities.

If it takes 1 year longer, it's better than to throw it all out the window and stop in a month's time.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

I would advise you to make your life priorities MORE important than your business/career ones. This means that you ALWAYS take care of health, friends, family regardless of what is going on in your business/career. If you need to limit business time, then DO IT, and find a way to do MORE with LESS time.

Your business/career is like a steel ball - you drop it, and it might bend a little but it won't break. Your family/friends/health are like glass balls - drop them, and they BREAK.

 

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[BellaPippin]

Hey man I've been there, and I still am periodically. Don't give up one thing that helps you disconnect, whether it's some video games certain days of the week, and hanging out with your girlfriend and spending quality time on others, etc. That's a NEED too. Leisure is necessary, it's just when it rules your life that it becomes a problem.

And when you do take that time, make sure you enjoy it, don't feel guilty about it, or it won't help at all. Be present. This is something that clicked not too long ago. My anxiety never left me because whatever I was doing my brain was running all these "opportunity cost" alternative activities I SHOULD be doing, according to someone. I was mentally somewhere else and I couldn't even pin point where that was. It was the worst. Last month or something like that it finally clicked. Whatever you decide to do for the evening it is what you WANT to do, that's ok. Hell if you are consistently putting in a couple hours in the morning, you're doing great! You totally earned a couple hours of mental relaxation. A few days of "I just want to browse the internet without guilt tonight" were enough that I was soon bored enough that I started painting something, cleaning around, organized clothes and desk, etc. Those two couple hours in the morning will add up. Think Kaisen. You are putting in the work, let yourself get away from the desk and enjoy life for a few hours a week. Take a break. Mindful leisure is NEEDED.

You will start to sleep much better once you realize that and realize you can do both things and still go forward.

 

[RazorCut]

Sounds like burn out is not far from your horizon. Not getting home till 7 each night is a killer for starters. Is that due to commuting or the hours you are forced to pull?

You need balance in your life. It mustn’t be just work, work, work. If you know it will be a month of slogging then you can pull it off as you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But being on an endless treadmill with no concrete payday on the horizon will put you right where you are now.

Time to make some lifestyle decisions I would say.

 

[Kristjan]

It's 8:50 am. I'm the first one in the office. I always come early because It's my first good programming job and I question myself just enough to where I'm always afraid I'm not good enough, or do enough. So I'm always early at least.

I've been working on an MVP for the past 3-4 months. Work has been sporadic. Sometimes I get out of bed, sometimes I don't. I'm always burnt out.
I wake up at 5 am, 'try' to work 1-2 hours on my product, then leave off for work and get back home around 7 pm, at which point I am a walking zombie and just cook and jump back to bed.

That routine has sort of worked. The idea of giving up has never crossed my mind and I've made sort of consistent progress. But lately it's getting harder and harder to keep going. Harder and harder to give up the video games while everyone I used to spend time with enjoys them on the evenings. Harder and harder to spend time with my girlfriend when the only time off I have, I spend cooking and trying to get the stress from my job out of my mind so I can fall asleep and hopefully wake up in the morning with enough energy to work on the product.

I go on the subway and see people mindlessly consuming whatever shitty entertainment they can, shitty games/tv shows they would never bother wasting time on if they hadn't already watched every other show on netflix... and i wonder. Wouldn't I possibly be happier if I was like them?... rather than the overworked dopamine deficient guy I am now?
I don't know. I just know that on the long therm, I can't live like this, and I can't live like everyone else. But on the short term, working all day with absolute zero time spent on fun activities is draining me to death.

I've already accepted the idea of losing all my friends. I've already mentally disconnected from work colleagues and that whole environment (but I am still dependent on that job). I've already died multiple times in order to kill the parts of me that were holding me back into the scripted life. And so, most of the work has been done. The inner work at least.
I know what I must do, and I am not scared by unforseen events. They always come. But the drudgery of the desert is taking it's toll.

It's completely obvious to me why so few make it. The whole scripted sugarcoating that keeps you licking a rusty pipe rather than going for the cake. The whole conditioned fear and limitations that everyone happily burdens you with. And then the actual drudgery of crawling through the desert after your work has already taken 12h a day from you and you're supposed to give your best after your best has fully been squeezed dry.

I understand it all now. And I respect all of you who have managed to go through it all. And one day, sooner rather than later I will get there too.

And still with all this bullshit holding me back, trying to shackle me to the floor, I still somehow get up. Sometimes I have days on end where I don't work and then all of a sudden I hear this inner music. My head replays to me the music that gets my heart going and it might sound cringe, but that music reminds me of all the characters, fictional or real that have gone through similar hardships. That continual hero's journey that every culture on earth just subconsciously understands. And I realise that I am on my own hero's journey. One in which escaping the script is just a step, just a temporary boss fight..... and so I keep going on, sometimes running, sometimes walking and often times crawling.

I'm really tired. So cheers to anyone else on this forum that's tired too. Wish you the best. Keep crawling.
Mike.

If you don't have kids maybe consider to take the leap and go all in with entrepreneurship? Then there is only one option, to succeed.
I know that juggling between work, family, learning, side hustle etc is hard but we'll worth it at the end.

Also try to focus more on the future. Who are you becoming not who you are today. Think of what have you achieved a year from now, two years from now.


To become successful you must accept all the challenges that come to your way.

 

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[kelbs]

Your post sounds like it could have been written by me.

I often think about the mindless zombies I see all around me, consuming entertainment without a second thought. I'll be traveling later today and this is especially evident on an airplane where 90% of people not sleeping are watching movies/shows. I can't really talk about this with friends/family because they don't have the same mindset or perspective that I do. They are zombies themselves.

I too have already accepted if I go this route I may have less friends and may distance myself from colleagues.

I know what I want and why I'm doing this, but some days it's just so hard to work an extra 3 hours on top of 8 hours at the day job + commute + house stuff/cooking.

 

[Itizn]

quit your job

 

[BellaPippin]

If you don't have kids maybe consider to take the leap and go all in with entrepreneurship? Then there is only one option, to succeed.
I know that juggling between work, family, learning, side hustle etc is hard but we'll worth it at the end.

Also try to focus more on the future. Who are you becoming not who you are today. Think of what have you achieved a year from now, two years from now.


To become successful you must accept all the challenges that come to your way.

Piggy backing on this, it might be an option depending on your living situation if you don't have any near plans/goals for the future, to save yourself a good 6+ month runway of expenses and take a leave or just quit and go for it. Worst case scenario you will have to go back at it for a bit longer, as far as I know it's not too much of a struggle to find programming jobs (Not sure if you are in the US). At least I know my bf gets daily offers on LinkedIn.

 

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[Kristjan]

Piggy backing on this, it might be an option depending on your living situation if you don't have any near plans/goals for the future, to save yourself a good 6+ month runway of expenses and take a leave or just quit and go for it. Worst case scenario you will have to go back at it for a bit longer, as far as I know it's not too much of a struggle to find programming jobs (Not sure if you are in the US). At least I know my bf gets daily offers on LinkedIn.

Also there is Uber, Lyft, etc. These might not be the best jobs in the world but they do give somewhat freedom. You can choose when and how much you want to work. Actually this is how my journey began. I was tired of 9-5 and decided to give it a go and thought to myself that i can ALWAYS go back to regular job, like tomorrow.
I have three kids so definitely this was not easy but it worked out at the end.