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It's 8:50 am. I'm the first one in the office. I always come early because It's my first good programming job and I question myself just enough to where I'm always afraid I'm not good enough, or do enough. So I'm always early at least.
I've been working on an MVP for the past 3-4 months. Work has been sporadic. Sometimes I get out of bed, sometimes I don't. I'm always burnt out.
I wake up at 5 am, 'try' to work 1-2 hours on my product, then leave off for work and get back home around 7 pm, at which point I am a walking zombie and just cook and jump back to bed.
That routine has sort of worked. The idea of giving up has never crossed my mind and I've made sort of consistent progress. But lately it's getting harder and harder to keep going. Harder and harder to give up the video games while everyone I used to spend time with enjoys them on the evenings. Harder and harder to spend time with my girlfriend when the only time off I have, I spend cooking and trying to get the stress from my job out of my mind so I can fall asleep and hopefully wake up in the morning with enough energy to work on the product.
I go on the subway and see people mindlessly consuming whatever shitty entertainment they can, shitty games/tv shows they would never bother wasting time on if they hadn't already watched every other show on netflix... and i wonder. Wouldn't I possibly be happier if I was like them?... rather than the overworked dopamine deficient guy I am now?
I don't know. I just know that on the long therm, I can't live like this, and I can't live like everyone else. But on the short term, working all day with absolute zero time spent on fun activities is draining me to death.
I've already accepted the idea of losing all my friends. I've already mentally disconnected from work colleagues and that whole environment (but I am still dependent on that job). I've already died multiple times in order to kill the parts of me that were holding me back into the scripted life. And so, most of the work has been done. The inner work at least.
I know what I must do, and I am not scared by unforseen events. They always come. But the drudgery of the desert is taking it's toll.
It's completely obvious to me why so few make it. The whole scripted sugarcoating that keeps you licking a rusty pipe rather than going for the cake. The whole conditioned fear and limitations that everyone happily burdens you with. And then the actual drudgery of crawling through the desert after your work has already taken 12h a day from you and you're supposed to give your best after your best has fully been squeezed dry.
I understand it all now. And I respect all of you who have managed to go through it all. And one day, sooner rather than later I will get there too.
And still with all this bullshit holding me back, trying to shackle me to the floor, I still somehow get up. Sometimes I have days on end where I don't work and then all of a sudden I hear this inner music. My head replays to me the music that gets my heart going and it might sound cringe, but that music reminds me of all the characters, fictional or real that have gone through similar hardships. That continual hero's journey that every culture on earth just subconsciously understands. And I realise that I am on my own hero's journey. One in which escaping the script is just a step, just a temporary boss fight..... and so I keep going on, sometimes running, sometimes walking and often times crawling.
I'm really tired. So cheers to anyone else on this forum that's tired too. Wish you the best. Keep crawling.
Mike.
I've been working on an MVP for the past 3-4 months. Work has been sporadic. Sometimes I get out of bed, sometimes I don't. I'm always burnt out.
I wake up at 5 am, 'try' to work 1-2 hours on my product, then leave off for work and get back home around 7 pm, at which point I am a walking zombie and just cook and jump back to bed.
That routine has sort of worked. The idea of giving up has never crossed my mind and I've made sort of consistent progress. But lately it's getting harder and harder to keep going. Harder and harder to give up the video games while everyone I used to spend time with enjoys them on the evenings. Harder and harder to spend time with my girlfriend when the only time off I have, I spend cooking and trying to get the stress from my job out of my mind so I can fall asleep and hopefully wake up in the morning with enough energy to work on the product.
I go on the subway and see people mindlessly consuming whatever shitty entertainment they can, shitty games/tv shows they would never bother wasting time on if they hadn't already watched every other show on netflix... and i wonder. Wouldn't I possibly be happier if I was like them?... rather than the overworked dopamine deficient guy I am now?
I don't know. I just know that on the long therm, I can't live like this, and I can't live like everyone else. But on the short term, working all day with absolute zero time spent on fun activities is draining me to death.
I've already accepted the idea of losing all my friends. I've already mentally disconnected from work colleagues and that whole environment (but I am still dependent on that job). I've already died multiple times in order to kill the parts of me that were holding me back into the scripted life. And so, most of the work has been done. The inner work at least.
I know what I must do, and I am not scared by unforseen events. They always come. But the drudgery of the desert is taking it's toll.
It's completely obvious to me why so few make it. The whole scripted sugarcoating that keeps you licking a rusty pipe rather than going for the cake. The whole conditioned fear and limitations that everyone happily burdens you with. And then the actual drudgery of crawling through the desert after your work has already taken 12h a day from you and you're supposed to give your best after your best has fully been squeezed dry.
I understand it all now. And I respect all of you who have managed to go through it all. And one day, sooner rather than later I will get there too.
And still with all this bullshit holding me back, trying to shackle me to the floor, I still somehow get up. Sometimes I have days on end where I don't work and then all of a sudden I hear this inner music. My head replays to me the music that gets my heart going and it might sound cringe, but that music reminds me of all the characters, fictional or real that have gone through similar hardships. That continual hero's journey that every culture on earth just subconsciously understands. And I realise that I am on my own hero's journey. One in which escaping the script is just a step, just a temporary boss fight..... and so I keep going on, sometimes running, sometimes walking and often times crawling.
I'm really tired. So cheers to anyone else on this forum that's tired too. Wish you the best. Keep crawling.
Mike.
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