<div class="bbWrapper">I had a vasectomy when I was 22. I'm 30 now and I'm super glad I did it.<br />
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It was one of the best decisions of my life. The peace of mind is so worth it.<br />
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I understand why people want to have children. I don't have an issue with that. But personally, I prefer a child-free life. I value my freedom way too much.<br />
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I'll share some of my unfiltered thoughts below. People with children: this is just my personal opinion, not an attack on you. You make your choices, I make my own. I'm writing this post to respond to <a href="https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/members/56235/" class="username" data-xf-init="member-tooltip" data-user-id="56235" data-username="@ProcessPro">@ProcessPro</a>.<br />
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<b>The big question is whether the pros of having children make up for the inevitable losses in freedom</b>. For many people. they do. For me, not at all.<br />
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People with kids will tell you that you can have all the freedom you want when you have kids but you simply can't.<br />
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I can pack my stuff right now and live wherever in the world I want. As a parent, you can't. It takes a ton of planning to be able to do that, if at all possible.<br />
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I can take more risks. As a parent, you have to play defense more.<br />
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I can do what I want, whenever I want, and wherever I want. As a parent, at least until your child is an adult, you can't. The child is your boss.<br />
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Parents may argue that not having children is selfish or that if you don't want to have kids, you're shirking responsibility. But having children is also selfish. You want to have nice kids who will give you a sense of meaning and hopefully take care of you when you're old. You wouldn't want to have ungrateful kids that would hate you, would you?<br />
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<blockquote data-attributes="member: 56235" data-quote="ProcessPro" data-source="post: 913774"
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Share advice/things we should consider
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1. Spend some time with children, ideally from your family so that there's some bond.<br />
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My sister has 4 kids. I can spend at most a couple of hours with them and then I'm exhausted. So exhausted that I need at least a few days off before I can see them again. I can't imagine dealing with this every single day. I try to be a good uncle and the kids like me but I can only offer so much.<br />
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Children can be a giant pain in the a$$. They require constant attention. They're loud (this alone kills me). They don't listen. They cry. They're purely emotional beings (which is part of the allure for people who like them).<br />
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Some people will say that it's not the same to care for someone's child vs having your own. But the reality of caring for one is the same whether it's yours or not. Your life will be dedicated 24/7 to caring for the kid.<br />
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2. Even if you're a great parent, your child may become an ungrateful punk. Or a bully. Or a crybaby. Or a communist. Or a politician. Or grow up to be a person you simply don't like. How does that make you feel?<br />
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3. For the first few years, you'll be sleep-deprived, stressed out, and regularly sick (my dad, who's retired and spends at least one full day a week caring for my sister's kids, is sick a few times a year; it's always because of the kids).<br />
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Parents say that it's still worth it, and for some it probably is. For me—and maybe I'm just too weak—it would be impossible to live on 2 hours of sleep a day. I can't function well on 6 hours of sleep, let alone a third of that and every day for at least 1-2 years.<br />
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I can't imagine how you can improve your life in such a suboptimal state. Again, maybe I'm just too weak and an average parent is more resilient.<br />
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Regrets of having or not having
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I doubt I'll ever have regrets. If anything, I'm now even more glad that I can't have kids. My life would have been so much poorer in experiences if I had kids. Parents would say: you'd have different experiences. Of course I would. But I wouldn't be able to have the experiences that I value more: traveling, learning new things, making spontaneous decisions, etc.<br />
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My sister and her husband used to travel a lot before they had kids. Now they can travel through the country only because it's too costly to travel elsewhere. <br />
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They seem to be happy to have a big family. But at the same time, my brother-in-law always tries to one up me when we talk about stuff I do that he can't because of the kids.<br />
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If, for example, we talk about my most recent travel (and no, I'm not bringing out the topic just to brag; they ask me), he needs to counteract by saying how fun it was to, say, ride bikes with the kids. He doesn't say it just to share the joy. He says it in very specific situations as if he wanted to convince himself that having kids is better than not having them (but at the same time, underneath all the jokes, you can sense a feel of regret).<br />
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I'm NOT stating they're unhappy because they have kids. I think it suits them and they try to live their lives the way they want to. But at the same time, it doesn't mean they can't have some regrets, even if they won't voice them out loud.<br />
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If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?
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I understand that people want to have kids because it gives them a sense of meaning to care for someone. Maybe they also find some peace in the fact that they'll leave something behind (which, as many tragic stories demonstrate, is sadly not guaranteed).<br />
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But this is in many ways like looking for a partner to make you feel happy. If you aren't happy single, you won't be happy in a relationship. It'll just hide your problems and won't address the core reason why you're unhappy. Same as having liposuction instead of fixing your diet and exercise routine.<br />
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I do feel a void but not because I don't have children. I feel it because, due to personal reasons, I've been obsessively thinking about death the last year. Having children wouldn't cure it because it only makes you so busy that you don't have time to think. Understandably you won't have existential worries if you have prosaic worries (I don't mean it in an offensive way).<br />
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But this is a different topic so let's talk about some ways you can create a sense of meaning/legacy:<br />
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<li data-xf-list-type="ul">Start a non-profit. You'll do way more good than by having a child.</li>
<li data-xf-list-type="ul">Create a timeless, meaningful business that will outlive you. Similar to a non-profit.</li>
<li data-xf-list-type="ul">Create art. Unless you're world-class, it probably won't outlive you. But the process of creation in itself is very rewarding.</li>
<li data-xf-list-type="ul">Plant a forest or protect the environment. (Hopefully) a national park that exists today will still exist in a few centuries.</li>
<li data-xf-list-type="ul">Be a great uncle, to your sibling's children or your friend's children. You can get the upsides of interacting with children without the day-to-day responsibilities.</li>
<li data-xf-list-type="ul">Realize that in the end there's no legacy and no meaning. Your legacy might end with your only child deciding they don't want to have children. When you die, your business may collapse after the new owner makes a stupid decision. Your forest may be chopped down by idiots looking for a quick buck. Nothing that you do matters in the long term. I don't mean it in a depressive way. It's just a fact of live we have to accept, both parents and the childless. Naval Ravikant puts it well:</li>
</ul><i>Here’s a hot tip: There is no legacy. There’s nothing to leave. We’re all going to be gone. Our children will be gone. Our works will be dust. Our civilizations will be dust. Our planet will be dust. Our solar system will be dust. In the grand scheme of things, the Universe has been around for ten billion years. It’ll be around for another ten billion years.<br />
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Your life is a firefly blink in a night. You’re here for such a brief period of time. If you fully acknowledge the futility of what you’re doing, then I think it can bring great happiness and peace because you realize this is a game. But it’s a fun game. All that matters is you experience your reality as you go through life. Why not interpret it in the most positive possible way? <br />
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Any moment where you’re not having a great time, when you’re not really happy, you’re not doing anyone any favors. It’s not like your unhappiness makes them better off somehow. All you’re doing is wasting this incredibly small and precious time you have on this Earth. Keeping death on the forefront and not denying it is very important.<br />
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Whenever I get caught up in my ego battles, I just think of entire civilizations that have come and gone. For example, take the Sumerians. I’m sure they were important people and did great things, but go ahead and name me a single Sumerian. Tell me anything interesting or important Sumerians did that lasted. Nothing.<br />
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So maybe ten thousand years from now or a hundred thousand years from now, people will say, “Oh yeah, Americans. I’ve heard of Americans.”<br />
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You’re going to die one day, and none of this is going to matter. So enjoy yourself. Do something positive. Project some love. Make someone happy. Laugh a little bit. Appreciate the moment. And do your work.</i></div>
