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How do you get rid of negativity that won't go away?

thecoach

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Over the last 2 years, I've been more or less changing my entire life and eliminating all the negative influences and bad habits or at least as many as possible. Throughout this time I started to realize that I was hanging around with more or less shitty people all my life, so I pretty much turfed most of my friends and most of the things I used to do. The biggest battle has been trying to deal with my parents (mainly my dad). My mother has supported everything I've ever done, however since I've gone into business on my own, her 'emotional' support has dwindled since I have not made nearly what I used to at my J.O.B. My dad is a very negative person. He is just simply one of those "grumpy old men", he's very stubborn, very arguementitive. My dad is very handy with fixing stuff so I really need him to help with fixing things with my house that I'm renovating and he really enjoys it since it's the only real time we've ever kind of had 'quality time' together, but he is very, very hard to work with (all his friends that come over to help say the same thing). Aside from my mother working in the accounting department for the city 30 years ago, my entire family for several generations has mainly worked in the trades. That being said, neither my mom or dad understand anything to do with running a business and have been die hard 'poor dad' types, so they really don't understand anything that I'm doing and both are too stubborn to really sit down and listen when I try to explain it and can't wrap their head around the fact that I like business and I'm not a trades kind of guy. My dad is by far the biggest negative influence in my life, but I can't turn my back on him (he wasn't around much for most of my life becuase he worked out of town a lot and he was diagnosed with cancer a couple years ago and since then he has really been on a quest to spend more time with us kids, which I am fine with but he's a hard person to get along with) and my mom has been giving me more "you should just give up and find a good paying job" talks the last few months instead of the ussual support. They are both "negative nancy's" that always expect the worst and see the worst in things, so anytime they are around the conversation always turns to some kind of negativity or paranoia about something bad that's going to happen.

So my question is, has anyone here came across a situation where they had a very negative influence in their life that they couldn't get rid of? Any advice on how to deal with this? It's a major cause of stress in my life and it effects my focus sometimes and and I really could do without the stress, but couldn't do without them.
 
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LaughedAt

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God, I was exactly in the same situation as you (somehow still!!), many of my best friends had an extremely negative effect on my dreams, and whenever I talked with them I felt that I'm a loser for not being like everyone when it comes to the "secure safe jobs" shit! I was always ridiculed, I was always told "to escape my dreams because real life isn't like that"! Got to a point in which all of my friends became my enemies deep inside my heart (even though I still talk to them but try not to get into "sensitive subjects"), not to mention my parents, who were very happy with me getting into college and choosing a "respectable" field, but one day I told them "a degree is something to impress your boss awith, I don't need a goddamn degree, I'm getting doing it because you guys want me to!!", my parents were shocked with my acts and since then they became very unsupportive of everything I do! I realized that I reached a level in life in which I have to be on my own because I was surrounded by negativity, I kinda dumped all of my so-called friends because deep inside I hated them for not being there for me when I needed them!
And my parents, I'm still in a good relationship with them, I just told them to stop interfering with what I wanna do because I really really know what I'm doing and I know someday I'm gonna prove everybody wrong! They're not satisfied, well, I hate the fact that I'm not satisfying my parents but it's literally either me satisfied or them!!
I've been living in this situation for almost a year, it's been hell, but I'm trying to forget and keep myself motivated no matter what happens, and I'm planning to move OUT OF THE COUNTRY soon!! I was inspired by MJ, who said that the negative community that surrounded him in Chicago kinda made him feel bad so he moved to Phoenix and everything started to work out, so I'm seriously considering moving out!
I know this might be hard on someone, but try to ignore the negative personalities, try to stay focused and motivated, just keep on dreaming and the negativity might be a motivation for you to start working harder and prove everybody they were wrong, if that didn't work, moving out is one of the few options left!
I hope my post at least helped a little, and I wish you succeed in finding what's best for you !!
Best :)
 

CarrieW

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My mom is the same way. her most favorite thing to say to me is thats not what its like in the real world! (like i live in carrie land or something LMAO!)

One day to got so fed up and flipped on her. best thing I ever did.

I told her look mom we are different people we have different lives what you think is right for me isnt what I want. Im a grown woman with 2 kids and I can make my own choices.. You dont have to like them. I threw out a if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all. (that one really pissed her off lol)

everytime after when she brought up a sore subject I would tell her Mom I love ya but I dont want to hear what you think about this... its not going to change anything and its only going to make me stop talking to you.

Its been awhile since this happened and everything is great. We no longer talk about the things we dont agree on and our relationship is much better...
 

kimberland

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Well, I have the benefit of being perverse
(that's perverse, Russ, not perverted
though I might be that too).
I consider my Mom's fears to mean that I'm on the right track.
The more fearful she is,
the more unique the idea is.

What do I do when all the fearful talk grates on me?
I turn the conversation to her and what she's doing.
Most people like talking about themselves
and will do so for hours if encouraged
(I tested it once, my Mom talked for over 3 hours
with me simply adding those encouraging sounds
like "hhhmmm" and "really?".)
 
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kurtyordy

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My dad is a negative nelly as well. And he is a trade guy (for himself) and I need him occasionally on a project. The funny thing is, the guy is worth a bundle from being self employed, but he has always discouraged any of his children for venturing on their own.

So for everytime he says something cannot work, I work doubly hard to prove him wrong. He said I would never graduate from college since I got married halfway through, I did. One property he swore I would lose money on, I sold for 50% profit. I still have one more to prove him wrong on, but I will.

To sum it up, the negative people motivate me to prove them wrong. I will not let them win.
 

andviv

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First, congratulations on making that important change in your life. Staying away from negative influences is critical. Somewhere (I don't recall where) I heard/read that there are not neutral habits. They are either good or bad, but never neutral.

The biggest battle has been trying to deal with my parents (mainly my dad).

My dad is a very negative person. He is just simply one of those "grumpy old men", he's very stubborn, very argumentative.
...
My dad is by far the biggest negative influence in my life, but I can't turn my back on him (he wasn't around much for most of my life because he worked out of town a lot and he was diagnosed with cancer a couple years ago and since then he has really been on a quest to spend more time with us kids, which I am fine with but he's a hard person to get along with)
Well, he is who he is, not easy task to change his mindset, particularly now that his priority in life is to make up for the lost time so he focuses more in personal relationships (amount of time) but not in the quality of the relationship. Try telling him that he is too difficult to deal with and that is really tough spending time with him when he acts like that. It may work, don't you think?
My dad is very handy with fixing stuff so I really need him to help with fixing things with my house that I'm renovating and he really enjoys it since it's the only real time we've ever kind of had 'quality time' together, but he is very, very hard to work with (all his friends that come over to help say the same thing).
I don't agree. you don't need him to get the job done. You want him to work with you as he probably does it cheaper (if not free) and with more care than anybody else. If this is putting a strain on your life then don't work with him ( and his friends that come to 'help --more free labor, huh???). Pay somebody to do the job and find another activity to do together, but the economic savings in having him working with/for you have a steep emotional price that you are not willing to pay.

Aside from my mother working in the accounting department for the city 30 years ago, my entire family for several generations has mainly worked in the trades.
...
They are both "negative nancy's" that always expect the worst and see the worst in things, so anytime they are around the conversation always turns to some kind of negativity or paranoia about something bad that's going to happen.
They want you to be safe and have no problems in life.
If they are really that negative then do not bring up conversations that open the doors to their negativity. Try to keep it in neutral topics (the latest movies, some hobby they have, your dog, etc) and when the conversations turn negative then excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. When you come back start a new topic.

That being said, neither my mom or dad understand anything to do with running a business and have been die hard 'poor dad' types, so they really don't understand anything that I'm doing and both are too stubborn to really sit down and listen when I try to explain it and can't wrap their head around the fact that I like business and I'm not a trades kind of guy.
...
and my mom has been giving me more "you should just give up and find a good paying job" talks the last few months instead of the usual support.
And you are stubborn as well by trying to explain it to them. They say that because they just don't know any better. They won't get it. If you want to convince them then you have to show results. They don't know/understand anything else than what has worked for them in the past.
90% or more of entrepreneurs fail, so probably they have seen many failures and don't want you to be another one that bites the dust by going solo. They perceive a job as safer. You will have a tough time trying to change their perception.
Probably your mother has changed her support as she has not seen you improving, actually she's seeing you going downhill (at least in her mind).
I had the same issue but when I started to show results then they started to get curious about it and now they ask me how I am doing.
So my question is, has anyone here came across a situation where they had a very negative influence in their life that they couldn't get rid of? Any advice on how to deal with this? It's a major cause of stress in my life and it effects my focus sometimes and and I really could do without the stress, but couldn't do without them.
Yes, I understand where you are coming from... I've been there. What I did? reduce the amount of time I spend with negative people and try to improve the quality of time together. It is tough, but it worked for me. Like I mentioned, keeping the conversations to neutral topics and run, Forrest, run when the conversation became negative.

Oh, and in closing, yes, I am sure that we all have been in situations like this.
 

andviv

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My dad is a negative nelly as well. And he is a trade guy (for himself) and I need him occasionally on a project. The funny thing is, the guy is worth a bundle from being self employed, but he has always discouraged any of his children for venturing on their own.

One of the things that struck me the most from the book The Millionaire Next Door (or was it The Millionaire Mind) was that almost all of the rich people that had made it through businesses were encouraging their kids to go to college and get a job. The reasoning behind it was that being an entrepreneur and going at it on your own was tough so they wanted their kids to not 'suffer' the same. It was very ironic, from my point of view, but I can see why they said it.
 
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Diane Kennedy

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My mom is the same way. her most favorite thing to say to me is thats not what its like in the real world! (like i live in carrie land or something LMAO!)

OMG That's funny! And it's because I've heard it so much in my life that I now use it. I frequently say, "Well in my world...." or "On my planet..." when i'm talking about the way (at least from my perspective) to accomplish something that is considered impossible by others.

My secrets: Read biographies of successful people. I actually picked that up from a number of successful people I know - I think it was Dolf deRoos who told me that first. Read about the troubles that people you admire went through.

Like Kimberland said - turn it back on them. I don't get the naysayers so much as the "well you should have..." especially when it comes to supporting the charities I do. My soapbox: I am SO TIRED of people saying we should have adopted an American child instead of a Mexican child. OR..when we do things to support the orphanages in MX, get "there are so many worthwhile charities here, why do you go to MX and help THEM?" I bite my tongue and just say something like, "You're right - there are so many older, handicapped or severely abused American children desperately needing homes. Have you applied to adopt? OR Which one is your favorite charity? Then when you get an answer ' Please let me know on how you're doing raising money for that charity. I agree it's very worthwhile.' -- Okay, not exactly the subject of thread, but personally it's where people get on my nerves.

And the biggest way to get rid of the nay-sayers SUCCEED!!! It's pretty hard to have people tell you it won't work, when you've already done it.
 

liv42dy

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Many of us here feel your pain! A negative loved one or family member is like a spiritual vampire.

I don't recommend this for everyone, but I moved away and barely spoke to my relatives for 15 years because of all the negativity! Then when I finally did start speaking to them again, we were all so happy to be a part of each other's lives that we are all now very supportive of each other, with our ideas and business ventures.

Sometimes it takes a traumatic event for everyone to realize what is truly important in life. It seems that your father's cancer has clearly affected him, and he's trying to make a connection, but he's not sure how. It's a tough situation.

But I must commend you for being the first one in the your family to have the courage to break out of your family's job patterns. Not an easy thing to do! But the people on this forum are very supportive and helpful.

All the best!
 

AndrewG

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I've been through very similar situations like the rest of you. My mother was very negative for many years with what I was doing. After awhile of my trying various things that didn't succeed she seemed to become very negative towards my endeavors. But I don't blame her, read my story if you're interested to see why.

But just recently something changed and I couldn't believe it. About a week ago we were riding in the car together and I don't know how it came up but we started talking about my latest biz venture. Usually she just does the supportive attitude but she's really lying but this time she changed her whole tune. She said that she saw an inventor on Good morning america. She couldn't think of the name but knew he had something to do with vacuums. I said "dyson", and she said "yeah, did you know that he had something like a 1,000 prototypes before he got a product that worked?: I said "really?" She said "yeah, so don't give up!"

It wasn't a pep talk to give me inspiration but it blew me away, I was so happy.

But for those who have negative relatives just hang in there and become successful that'll show them to believe in you and your dreams!
 
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S928

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My parents are literally the same way: extremely negative and a pain in the butt. Yet, while one of them is a drama queen (mom), the other one (dad) is nearly mute, almost to the point of where I have to decide if I even need to waste my energy. I used to worry about their concerns, as I think their concerns were valid, yet at some point I reached the peak of what I could tolerate; being negatively schooled without hearing any praise made me realize they were pyschologically hurting me and that had to stop. Now, when ever one of them feels the urge to preach about what's best for me, I kindly remind them that I have been one my own for a number of years and have never, ever needed their assistance in any way, shape or form, so I must be doing something right. It took a while, but I finally figured out that I had to be completely honest with them and in the end it really didnt/doesn't matter what they think (and they know it).

Unhealthy relationships are bad, regardless of who they involve. Sometimes you have to cut losses, other times you have to reduce interaction. If you truly value getting ahead, you need to foster good relationships that produce some type of valuable reciprocation.

The biggest challenge for me has been to create a healthy environment. In my case, I've put up a virtual firewall to block of negativity in my life. Healthy and honest relationships are a must.
 

Diane Kennedy

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I've watched this thread for a while and it saddens me. I empathize with those going through the struggles (especially right now around holiday season) with family that doesn't support or understand what they want to accomplish. And then I look at it through a mother's eyes as well, I can empathize with the need to keep their children safe...even though it may seem pretty mis-guided.

Behind that negativity is a fear. This is tricky one, because you don't want to get yourself sucked into their drama and you never really grow up in your parent's eyes anyway, but if you can help them reach that fear, understand it and let it go - it will transform the rest of their lives.

In another thread (Money Magnets), I talked about my succesful dad and grandpa. I had other relatives just like them. There were lots of versions of "money magnets" "Midas touch" "always is lucky" talked about in our family. My mother, though, was always afraid and so was her her mother. Somehow it was easier for me to handle my grandma because she had had such a tough earlier life. Her family escaped from Russia. They were Germans, enslaved in an area outside the Black Sea. As she got older and more frail, she had nightmares about the Russians coming to take her back.

I'm not sure what bad thing happened to my mother, and maybe it was nothing more than being raised in a house by her mother who was afraid all the time. Fear leads to that negativity, about everything.

"Get a good education, get a job" is all about turning over the responsibility for your future to someone else. There is something unspoken in that belief that says someone else can do a better job with your future than you can. When your parents tell you that, I think it's because they believe that is true for them...so it must be for you as well.

I'm curious if there is anyone here who had a "money magnet" parent who told them they couldn't be one too.... For example, I remember times when my father started a new business or made some kind of change and my mother would tell my sister and I that money would be very tight for awhile. And then the next thing you knew we were adding on to the house or moving to a nicer neighborhood. We got to the point that we would make fun of my mother whenever she said that...because it never came true! Then after my father died, it did come true. Her negativity and fear created a place where she had less and less. She didn't die broke on the streets, but her lifestyle was never as expansive or comfortable as it had been when my father was alive...and yet it could have been.
 

CarrieW

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I dont know where it comes from... I too am a mother. All I want is for my kids to be happy.

In my case its not go get a good job and forget about it. I cant get a job. My Mother is still like this. She doesnt say anything now. She will say things in passing if she sees a tv show (or rk on tv somewhere) She honestly thinks that there is no hope for me to accomplish what I want. She is extremely judgmental of everything and everyone unless your doing it her way.

She would rather see me sitting here collecting my ssd check then try to do anything in my life. I think its sad. She thinks I should be living a dream. someone pays me to stay home and take care of my kids. what more could one want, in her head she cant fathom more then that. she totally thinks ive lost my mind by aspiring to do something with myself.

I could maybe see a parent trying to disuade someone from quitting a decent job with benifits(at least that would make a little bit of sense) But what does it mean when your pursuing your dreams at the expense of nothing? and they are still the same way.

bottom line is you need to live your life to make you happy.

I know its not fun having your parents dissapprove. trust me I know, I tried to equate it back to my moms life. what if someone told you at 30yrs old married with 2 kids(she had 3)that you couldnt or wouldnt do something. know what her answer was? shed tell them to F*@# off. I laughed and said well mom i dont want to have to say that to you cause i love you but thats exactly how i feel everytime you judge what Im doing...

At least now we can agree to disagree. I know one day she will be proud of me. maybe not today maybe not tommorow. but it will happen.
 
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Diane Kennedy

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CarrieW:

In Carrieland you can be and do anything you want. I think it's a pretty cool place.

Hang in there, this is always a tough time of year.
 

liv42dy

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I've watched this thread for a while and it saddens me. I empathize with those going through the struggles (especially right now around holiday season) with family that doesn't support or understand what they want to accomplish. And then I look at it through a mother's eyes as well, I can empathize with the need to keep their children safe...even though it may seem pretty mis-guided.

In another thread (Money Magnets), I talked about my succesful dad and grandpa. I had other relatives just like them. There were lots of versions of "money magnets" "Midas touch" "always is lucky" talked about in our family. My mother, though, was always afraid and so was her her mother. Somehow it was easier for me to handle my grandma because she had had such a tough earlier life. Her family escaped from Russia. They were Germans, enslaved in an area outside the Black Sea. As she got older and more frail, she had nightmares about the Russians coming to take her back.

I'm curious if there is anyone here who had a "money magnet" parent who told them they couldn't be one too....

These are some of the reasons why I started the Money Magnet thread. The unfortunate reality is that negativity exists in one form or another in everyone's life. I really wanted to focus on people who exude positive energy, and how they cultivate it. Because the truly successful people have a way of looking at, what others might think are, barriers or road blocks and turning them into opportunities. I want to do that too!
 

Bilgefisher

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I guess I've been fortunate, my family has been very supportive. Although I get the sense that once I achieve my goals they want to hop on that train. I'm actually all for it. I want to help my family as much as possible, but I decided not to help them unless they are willing to help themselves. I made this clear to them. I hope it works out that way.

My issue is actually dealing with general negativity. Anything from politics, to whats in the paper everyday. 90% of the stuff I read in the paper seems to be negative. I love staying atop the news, but it does drag me down. Some of the stuff downright frustrates me. Unfortunately, there really isn't a thing I can do about many of those issues, so its wasted energy. My business partner and I have realized how negative our conversations can be, and were trying to steer away from those subjects. It can be difficult.
 
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yveskleinsky

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I have always viewed ideas/goals/dreams/plans as eggs. (Work with me here. For those of you who are still associating with negative people, maybe this analogy will help.) ...So these hopes and dreams are fragile, and we carry them around knowing they are fragile and trying to get them to hatch, keeping them warm, keeping them close to us. Then one day ya come across a person with a whisk. So what do you do?! You give your eggs to a person that you KNOW likes to make omelets! So why do you do that? How many eggs are you going to let them scramble before you learn to tuck your eggs inside your jacket, smile and keep walking?

It's you not them. You need to learn how to side step quicker- like Kimberland said, change the subject- talk about them- talk about anything but avoid delicate conversation. There will always be people that will misunderstand you- don't spend the time or energy trying to change thier mind- mind your own business- literally! Even when you make it, there will always be people who will downplay your success and your journey getting there. ...Like MJ said about how sometimes people think his Lambo is his dad's! ...Now if I was MJ and someone said that and I had my girlfriend in the car I would say, "Yeah, that's my dad's girlfriend too. He's real generous." And then blow her a kiss. :D...Anyhow, the point being- live your life for you and make peace with the fact that not everyone needs to support or understand you for you to be successful. Find people who do, and hold on to them.
 

randallg99

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So my question is, has anyone here came across a situation where they had a very negative influence in their life that they couldn't get rid of? Any advice on how to deal with this? It's a major cause of stress in my life and it effects my focus sometimes and and I really could do without the stress, but couldn't do without them.

yes all the time. people are mostly negative by nature.

I disassociate myself from them if they are friends.
I fire them (or have them fired) if they are employees
and I don't listen to negative family members... I try to understand their perspective and attempt to leverage the reasoning they are negative to my advantage.

The less time you spend with negative attitudes means the more potential time you can spend with positive people/attitudes
 

thecoach

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Thanks for all the feedback and discussion about it! It's great to see that I'm not alone. There aren't a lot of like minded people in my city so it's tough to find support or advice sometimes so thanks to all of you!

About a year ago, I talked to my mom about this once before when I was cleaning house with my friends and she kind of hinted around whether my relationship with them would change becuase I'm getting rid of negative, so I think they are well aware of their negativity. Today, I talked to my parents and told them that I don't want dad helping with the house renovations anymore and that 2 topics are completely off limits when we talk #1 my house and #2 my career, unless it is on a positive note, if the conversation leads to those topics in a negative way I will just leave or ask them to leave. I more or less told them, we need to either our conversations or ruin it because many of them lead to negativity and I don't want to ruin our relationship.
 
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AroundTheWorld

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"Well in my world...." or "On my planet..." when i'm talking about the way (at least from my perspective) to accomplish something that is considered impossible by others.

Love, Love, Love this. Can I borrow it?

And the biggest way to get rid of the nay-sayers SUCCEED!!! It's pretty hard to have people tell you it won't work, when you've already done it.

This too... my hubby says, "the best revenge is success."

On dealing with negative relatives... I've used all of the below tactics:

  • Make a joke out of the situation (Ya, I hope you have a room cleared out for me because I might have to move in with you soon)
  • Change the subject or simply avoid the topic
  • Give the gift of a book for birthday/Christmas/or just because
  • If the problem persists - say something to the effect of...
    "I know that you feel uncomfortable with the choices I am making and I know that your concern for me is because you love me. These choices may not work for your life but they are working for me in my life. You don't have to agree with what I am doing but I hope that it will not get in the way of our relationship"
 

mtnman

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Negativity will always be around in some form or another. Every time I dabble in a new

fastlane idea, I try to expound upon that idea with others. It never fails, family and

friends are the worst. "Oh, you can't do that" or "yeah, I've heard that for years, only

the rich can do that" and "that takes alotta' money." Sometimes I feel as though I'd

rather talk to a total stranger. But, you learn how to manage your emotions and

continue the thought process, and who to eliminate from it.


A bit of a weird twist on negativity, but nonetheless...


Funny I stumbled upon this thread, as I recently had a relative turn there back on me

for my career choices (or lack there of). I refuse to plan my life around running in a

hampster wheel (work for the man, make more, spend more) what they call the living

the 'good life'.

It was explained to me that my choices pissed them off, and I was not taking

advantage of any of the opportunities I had available. I'll summarize, in that, towards

the end of this ordeal, I asked a simple question. We shouldn't have any type of

relationship at all because you don't like my choices? "I don't see the point" was my

short and sweet answer; blew me away. In other words, if I were not going to be in a

position that was advantageous to their current or future lifestyle, I'm pointless. :smx7: It hurt me at first, as I valued this particular relationship in my life very much,

much like brothers. Those who you're closest to can inflict the most impact with so

little words. Usually, this is a good thing when tossing around new ventures and ideas.

After some time, I realized we all have our choices. It would be like beating a dead

horse to change someone's viewpoint, and for what? :chatter:
 

ErikV10

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Don't let what other people say stop you from getting into your dreams... no matter who they are in your life.

There are a lot of people in my life who are very negative saying that what I want is 'impossible'. All I do is think about my GOALS and what I want to have - all the negativity goes away.

Erik G.
 
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