Not Fulfilled? Depressed? Maybe You Need An Alignment

[Hopeful]

Thanks for the reality check @eliquid . (ENTP here, by the way.)

In an ideal world, my values would be creativity, authenticity, and excellence. My priorities would be financial independence and pursuing my creative/intellectual interests.

But in my current reality, I'm a recent college grad with a chronic illness and next to no savings. My energy is extremely limited. My priorities right now are surviving, building an emergency fund, and not making myself sicker than I already am. This means my priorities are very different. My top priority is rationing my energy, being efficient and pragmatic in my decision-making.

Do I want to pursue excellence? Maybe, but if excellence conflicts with efficiency, efficiency needs to win, or I'll wind up in bed for 3 days because I burned myself out. Do I want to pursue creativity? Yeah, but if creative freelancing won't pay the bills, it's time to pick up a boring part-time job.

I have been operating under my real-world priorities, but am still emotionally attached to my ideal-world priorities... and it's been stressing me out. I have this picture in my head of who I think I should be—a healthy, energetic, ambitious go-getter. And at my heart, I believe that's who I am. But under the current circumstances, I can't be that person right now. Not yet. I need to be the strategic, pragmatic penny-pincher who takes care of her health. I can still be creative, I can still be authentic, I can still pursue excellence... but all that needs to take a back seat to my top priorities.

I definitely have a lot of anger and resentment around this, but at least I can acknowledge that I have a misalignment here.

 

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[Get Right]

#2 had a big secret in it. The "those who deserve it" part.

Sounds like the "J" is sneaking back into your MBTI, ha!

Wondering how those that took part in this exercise early on ( 2017 and 2018 ) are doing now and if has helped in them some way.

I re-tested this week and came back with the same result ENFJ. My Ennegram showed a little more "well-roundness" with 7w6 primary and 3/5/1 close behind.

I also reflected on my career goals to be a "creative builder". They still line up very well. I may have to add a teaching/coaching/counseling experiment since all the tests keep pushing me in that direction.

Funny thing is I can now see why some things frustrate me. For instance I really want to write a book. It doesn't play to my strong suits so that's why I struggle. I would perhaps be much more suited for giving a talk/podcast, etc. about the subject.

So, thanks again for your thread. I feel pretty darn aligned!

 

[Veloman]

Very insightful post. This topic makes me think about how I've come to have certain values. In some ways, I feel like I question the legitimacy of why I have a value. Isn't it just a result of my past experiences, manufactured in my psychology? How important can a value be if it's just the result of my experiences? What really matters?
This is similar to one's beliefs.

All I can really say for sure is that I would start really basic level - aim to reduce suffering (Jordan Peterson). Build up from there.

 

[eliquid]

Bumping since we are more than halfway through the year.

Someone out there needs this thread.

Maybe we can even get it marked as "Gold" status?

 

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[SteveO]

Thanks again. This is something most people I've seen don't really talk about. I've been at 2 and 3, and 3 was enjoyable even if it made just a few cents. I still need 2 to pay bills, but I'm aiming for 4. I need to figure out what 4 looks like first.

I think this thread really deserves GOLD.

@MJ DeMarco

 

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[ElleMg]

I don't really like personality tests, particularly after reading personality isn't permanent, so I was reluctant to take the 16 personalities one again. The realisation it lead me to was pretty shocking and although the other elements shared by @eliquid are more valuable to me I'm happy I gave it a go for comparison sake..

In the midst of confusion and lacking clarity whilst recovering from an abusive relationship and family issues when I thought I was ready to get back on track I took the 16p test. I got INFJ and it impacted me deeply (I really needed guidance and found it in this). I'm the type of person who tries to help people even if I'm only one step ahead or in a similar situation, so when feeling depressed, anxious, uncertain, I was definitely using feelings to guide me and to help me empathise with others. Quite literally, I was in my feelings lol.

In reality, as confirmed by my recent result (which matches the result I had several years ago, and my core values), I usually think my way through things. My 'feeling' trait has definitely increased after going through some tough situations and connecting emotionally with others to help me through that.

I don't value predictability, organisation or structure (over spontaneity) yet because of my circumstance I desired stability and closure, naturally. One of the key traits that helped me fall in love with entrepreneurship and discover part of who I am initially was the ability to be flexible, improvise and spot opportunities.

For too long I was thinking of myself as an idealist advocate who needed structure and cooperation over competitiveness and nonconformity. Because there was a disconnect between who I thought I was, and the things I actually valued, I couldn't make much progress. No ideas made sense, and the times I'd spot opportunities I'd convince myself I needed to thoroughly think everything through and that I wasn't willing to do anything less than perfect. I became scared of criticism which as a nonconformist is something that I always kinda thrive off lol

So grateful for this thread and everyone sharing their experience and @eliquid for sharing his knowledge! I'm not big on lists or writing pages of notes so I just used sticky notes to get my ideas flowing and it's been very useful. I've been having a lot of lightbulb moments recently and actually thinking about who I am, what I value, and what my mission is proving beneficial.

 

[ateares]

I'm sticking my neck out here because I know that SOME people will consider this topic along the same lines of "action-faking", "passion following", and other guru life coaching BS.

Yes this will be a massive post, covering several posts actually. It gets deep and gets into tapping emotions sometimes. When you think you know what I'm talking about, I might actually spin it around on you later. If you really like what you read, make sure you pay attention.

My aim is not to convince you or "life coach" you. My aim is to help specific people who were once like me on this forum. When you read this thread, you will know who you are and you will understand why I am helping you and posting this. For everyone else that doesn't get it, this post just wasn't meant for you at this time of your life.

I'm going to give an intro here first on why I am posting this that will then lead into the actual posting. So here goes....

Intro/Background
Years ago I really thought I knew who I was. I was living a largely unscripted life for the most part and doing things my way.

In many ways, I was also still attached to the the "script" my parents and grandparents passed down to me, as well as society. Each time the script got in my way and I was let down by it, I grew more into the unscripted me.

These events lead me to certain beliefs, values, and goals. It helped me move forward to an unscripted life well before MJ's book came out. Based on this, I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted to be.

But see, life is funny in that way. You think you have it all figured out but many times you don't know the WHY behind those things. Many times you don't care to look into the WHY because "life happens" or you feel you know the real why already.

In 2008 I had a massive FTM. It wasn't my first. It was one of many and it was not my last either.

However, this one specific FTM lead me to huge financial success in my own business. Years later even with success in business, I found myself still depressed over the same things that lead to my FTM in 2008.

So in 2015 I decided to do some soul searching. What come out of that is what I present to you below.

The story jumps to the present day now below:


The Post

Every 12 months or so, I take a look at my goals and I figure out if what I completed is in alignment with what I want in life.

But the big question is, what is it I want?

And what do I do when my want's change?

It's been proven that depression can come from doing work that doesn't align with your core values, whether you know your core values or not. If you are stuck doing things daily that really do not fit you, wouldn't you be depressed too?

In 2015, my core values were:

• Individuality
• Freedom
• Trust
• Simplicity
• Activeness

These past few days I re-evaluated my core values and came up with:

• Simplicity
• Creativity
• Entrepreneurship
• Stability
• Autonomy

Now these words all mean something different, to different people. That's OK. What they mean to you when you make out your list is all that matters. Sometimes, these values can mean different things at different times to the same person...

It took me a few days actively thinking about these values ( from multiple different lists I pulled up online ) and thinking about my past, current, and future life. What I ended up with fits me now. This is key because what you want and need can change every year.

So why is this important?

As builders and entrepreneurs, you are going to get distracted with new shiny projects and ideas. Maybe in the middle of building your empire you get offered a sweet cushy executive job.

Maybe it's as simple as you get the urge to move to another city.

If you know your core values, you can compare these new projects, job offers, urges to change against the core values and see if it really makes sense to do so.

For a personal example, I took my core values above and made a personal mission statement:

"To solve problems with simplicity, creativity, and entrepreneurship while creating a full and stable life that provides autonomy"

If something comes up, I ask myself if it aligns with my core values and mission statement.

An example of this might be:

• Work on new shiny Adsense project - Is it simple? Yes. Is it creative? No ( to me ).
  • I found a no, so I should pass on this new shiny object
• Got offered a cushy VP job at XYZ Inc - Is it simple? No
  • It also isn't entrepreneurial, so I need to pass on it
• Found a new house I love, its $475,000 and I need a mortgage
  • It doesn't fit autonomy. I will feel obligated to pay my mortgage and do things to make sure it's paid like take a job or give up a trip I really wanted to go on maybe to pay the bills.
  • However, maybe I can find a creative and entrepreneurial way to still get this house, like live in for 6 months and AirBNB it the other 6 months of the year.

A lot of you might disagree with what I put above as examples.

You might say, a mortgage isn't a problem really. You need a house, it's your dream house, it's just one bill, it doesn't really impact your independence and freedom.

But this exercise is about how "I feel and I think". When you do yours, you use your feeling and wisdom that you live by. That's the whole idea of core values and how YOU personally understand them.

So if you had the same core values as me and made the same mission statement as me, it's no wonder you feel depressed and miserable working a J-O-B as the Director of some web agency. It's no wonder you're miserable working on projects where none of your creativity shines through. It's no wonder you're sick and worried all the time when you have no stability in your life bouncing from girlfriend to girlfriend while moving to a different city and changing jobs every 3 months ( if stability was one of your core values, as it is for me ).

Get the picture?

Knowing your core values is like knowing your goals.

Once you figure them out, you can make better decisions about what choices you make in life. Backing that up with a mission statement ( personal ) will further strengthen that.

BTW, your core values and mission statement can be different from the ones you pick for your business. And yes, I feel if you have a business that you should have values for it too.

One last thing I do to further ensure I stay on track is to add in Priorities.

My priorities for 2015 where these:

• Family
• Charity & Faith
• Building Net Worth

I haven't figured out my priorities yet for this year ( most likely will stay the same ) since I just changed my core values and mission statement for the next 12 months, but once I figure those out I will share here.

Since I know my core values, my mission statement, and my priorities I am never stuck trying to figure out, "what do I do?" when presented with a decision I need to make. I also know exactly how to define my goals for the year, month, week, and day because my goals are going to be reflections of my values, mission statement, and priorities.

For example, I'm not going to go through with, or make new goals, that have me trying to land a job with higher pay. That doesn't fit in anywhere since it doesn't align with a few of my values. Im also not going to make goals that have a high % of violating any of my values and priorities in the future.

I'm not going to make goals that don't reflect my values, mission statement, and priorities. I'm also going to know what I always need to be doing without second thought since I make decisions based on these values, missions statement and priorities.

And because I'm doing things that align with me and my values, I'm going to be fulfilled and happy regardless if I hit the goals I make 100% or not.

This is why you have to be brutally honest with yourself in doing this exercise.

You may even need to be like me and figure out your values, then rework them daily for the next week to get down to what really resonates with you and is honest with you. Then take a couple days to refine your mission statement and priorities to make sure they really are truly you.

Say I made one goal of making $100,000 in 12 months with Amazon Kindle and at the end of the year I miss it. I only made $45,000 instead.

Would I be sad for missing my goal? Maybe, but really only because I knew I could have done better and I really needed the extra money. However, I won't feel miserable or depressed because I was doing work and aligning my future with what resonated with me and fits me, stuff that fits into my values.

Working on Amazon Kindle projects more than likely would be:

• Simple - It's not hard to write content ( for me that is )
• Creative - I can write about any topic. And when I pick one, any idea in that topic. All with a touch of flair
• Entrepreneurial - I'm working for myself, no one tells me how to do it, sky is the limit income wise ( compared to a job )
• Stable - Maybe not rich and wealthy, but once the ball is rolling it can be stable and recurring
• Autonomy - I have freedom and independance and options working on these projects

So if I miss my goal, all is not lost.

Now think of yourself with the goal to make $100,000 and you're in a job. You have the same values, but the only way you can get more money is to convince your boss to give you a raise, or change jobs to another company. Even if you hit $100k at another company, you are not in alignment with your values and you will have this nagging and unfulfilled desire like I did prior.

It's not hard to prove either.

Look at all the depressed and sad people in the world around you. Maybe they are family members, co-workers, friends, or just people you overhear at Qdoba eating lunch next to you.

You think those people are actively doing exercises like this? Or do you think they are reacting to their surroundings like lost sheep in the woods?


Do yourself a favor....

1. Figure out your true, real core values. Spend several days on it
2. Make a mission statement around them
3. Figure out your top 3 priorities
4. Erase your old goals and make new ones based on #1-3 above. Make sure every goal fits and doesn't violate a core value or priority.
5. Once your goals are set, set smaller daily, weekly, and monthly goals to hit those larger goals. Make sure these smaller goals that set you up to your larger goals don't violate values or priorities.
6. In 6 or 12 months, re-evaluate who you are and your values. Adapt if need be.

Keep reading the thread in post below, I get into how to use this to find out what business you should start using personality tests and more....

.

This is definitely something I've focused on over the past few years. Constantly refining and revisiting it every few weeks or months to see if it needs to be tweaked...

I've landed on...

1. Freedom
2. Love
3. Joy
4. Acceptance
5. Abundance

This has really helped me to make some big changes in my life to align with these values and also my faith which is where these values come from.

My personal missions statement/purpose is "to help men leave a legacy for their families and future generation."

I've built out a course, curriculum, non-profit and working on a book based on this purpose statement and have found more fulfillment by pursuing this than anything I could have ever done in the finance world.

Thanks for sharing this post and encouraging us to be intentional about defining our values, mission statement and goals. It's much need!

Really is a game changer.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

Same here mate. I actually read through some of my old posts in this forum from like 5 years ago and nothing has changed. Seen my old Facebook post in memories the other day from 11 years ago saying Can't stand these dark nights, roll on January for our next holiday. And that's still exactly the case now.

The good thing is I know why nothing has changed. Too much reading, too much spending time on this forum looking at posts that don't solve my immediate problem. Not enough action, not enough prospecting to find new clients for my business.

Just wanted to say that lately I’ve noticed this is an extremely common experience but people often think they’re the only ones experiencing it.

Sounds like the “reading” and the “spending time on forum” and the search for the perfect approach is a surface level manifestation of deeper issues.

The most obvious is fear of failure. You can’t fail if you don’t try, but something like “reading” can be easily rationalized as preparing yourself, rather than not trying at all.

But why are you afraid of failure?

I think deep down it has to do with self-esteem.

 

[eliquid]

Bumping since we are heading into the new year

 

[TheodoreA]

This is incredible.

I'm an INTJ too and really love this idea. Thank you so much for sharing!

 

[samuraijack]

Good post. To be honest I skimmed this (although very slowly), but I do agree with it.

I've been feeling this nagging feeling recently, and its definitely because of a misalignment of my values.

 

[jlwilliams]

Timely thread. I've been podcasting over revisiting some pages in my journal because I know I haven't connected as planned. I know that I am, in some way.... misaligned.

Perhaps visiting myself via testing to gain a more objective view is in order. Instead of looking at the goals and machinations I laid out then and attempting to force a "correction" on myself I ought to re visit them with an eye toward how to make my goals fit me. Fit the plan to the man instead of fitting the man to the plan.

 

[jlwilliams]

This is going more difficult than I expected, and I wasn't expecting a walk in the proverbial park.

The test I'm taking are coming up with vastly different results. Case in point, let's start with the first "letter" of the MBPT. Am I "I" for introvert or "E" for extrovert? Seems straight forward enough. But it's not. One test (first I took) said I. Ok, I can kind of see that. The next says "E" which kind of makes sense in other ways. Another,that graded rack letter by a percentage by which I favor that designation rated me as 1% more E than I.

What the......

Ok, I do and always have spent a good deal of time in my own head and I enjoy solitude. I also don't get called shy much. I meet and interact easily with strangers. I do exhibit traits associated with extroverts and introverts. This just goes on and on down the line. I have a hard time with a lot of the questions on the tests because I read the question and think "it depends..."

This is going to take some time, but I suspect it will be worth it.

 

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[RayAndré]

Excellent thread so far @eliquid and I'm not even all the way through it yet. Thank you.

As you did, I'm going through a list of 600+ values to discover and refine my own list of 5.
But how do you define a value? Here are the first thoughts that came to my mind:

• Something I want to embrace
• Something I want to live by
• Something I want to be a part of my life
• Something I want to be
• Something I want others to know me for
• Something I should prioritize if I want to really be happy
• Something my endeavors should align with
• Something that attracts me to others if they have it or make me feel it

 

[eliquid]

@eliquid what you think about the wealth dynamics test?? it could maybe give someone the best direction on the path to entrepeneurship?

I've never heard of this, but just looked it up.

Will have to report back later once I take it a "few" times.

 

[eliquid]

So, I did this! I did the core value words, the enneagram test and the MBTI test several times over several weeks. The MBTI results gave me a 4 way split personality. I am split between being an extravert and being an introvert in a lot of ways and so I said could go either way. But, more often than not when I took it, it had me as an introvert. Basically I am an INFP, which explains my uniqueness because it is a very small percentage of the population. I really liked the in depth analysis of the 16personalities.com test, and I definitely recommend taking that one along with several others.

On the enneagram test, I hover between a 4 (the Individualist) and a 2 (the Helper), and could also be a 6 (The Loyalist). This also explains me, and here too, I was a split personality. I think most often, I got 4w2, though.

I also did my core value words, which I think I am going to keep to myself, but I will use them as a barometer for things I am considering doing.

@eliquid --I can't thank you enough for posting this, as it's really narrowed down what I should do, and what fits with me.
So THANK YOU! Major rep + coming your way.

Seriously, anyone who is considering doing these exercises--DO THEM! You won't be disappointed, well, you might be a bit. I was a little nonplussed to find that my personality is HELPER. I don't want to be a helper , I want to focus on me for a bit.

So to dig into a bit more about my post above.. the basic exercise would be...

Does INFP ( which it sounds like you might align with most ) align up to 4w2 ( which you said came up most often )?

If they do, this is probably you. If not, you might want to work backwards along with comparing your values list to get to a more refined core. You could be a mix of both but for me I would hate that ( because Im an INTJ and thats how we are about things ).

Hope that clarifies anything.

.

 

[rollerskates]

I need to dig around more, but I'm leaning towards INFP as my final answer. Anyway, going to match all this up more closely while writing down all the things I'm pursuing and see what matches.

 

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[rollerskates]

Yeah, I just copied with rollarskates typed without reading. Hopefully that wont mess anyone up

Oops! That was a typo, should have been 4w3.

 

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[astr0]

Thanks for taking to your time to write such a great thread @eliquid !

Now, after reading more about my personality, I'm wondering if everyone of 7.6 billion people fits one of those personality templates so well.
Definitely agree with @Thiago Machado on this:

In my honest opinion, this should be mandatory reading on the forum, in schools, in the workplace and in life.

I'm a stereotypical INTJ-T and 5w6. I kinda knew who I am, just didn't knew why I'm like that and never thought it may be so important.

Core values is a real thing! I've been using another approach for major decision making: visualizing your future after taking the opportunity and thinking what's right and what's wrong, what better and what's worse (pretty much evaluating an alignment). It saved me from split-testing 80-100 jobs while allowed me to also try myself in many INTJ-suited professions and only those. But you may easily miss an opportunity or still get something a little off with this method. It's not as fast, simple and accurate as comparing with core values.
So better take your time figuring them out. The smaller the list the harder it gets.

Although, I probably love my job more than most people love theirs, there's still something off. And while my list of core values is not finished yet, I already know it's a little lack of autonomy and significance.

P.S. Is there any was to suppress w6? It really gets in a way...

 

[WarWizard]

Your welcome



Haven't, but I will mark them down later in the year to try



So this is a bit of back and forth, but for a long time I didn't really know my core beliefs.

I mean, I had these internal gut reactions and feelings.. but I didn't have a name for them or a process. I was just walking around like a mouth breathing sheep for a while. The whole time though, I knew something was off and wrong, that I was unhappy and depressed.. this was me at least knowing this wasn't the lifestyle I wanted.

That lead me to figuring out the names and process for my core beliefs.

So when I look back, I can see the mistakes I made by not knowing or following.

Now, from the point of knowing my beliefs going forward.. I can say they are influencing my choices.

How?

I constantly look at my values all the time. I have to make sure I don't lose focus on them and I have to make sure everyday my gut check feels right about them ( or else it might be time for a change ).

Then I look at my mission statement and remind myself whatever I am doing has to align with that.

Do I get off track? Sure!

I might take on some shiny project thinking it fits ( it's amazing what you can tell yourself, to fool yourself ) and then a week later Im in the middle of it and it hits me that this isn't what I thought it was and it violates something in my mission statement. But that's how you learn.

Lastly, I compare my choices to my priorities.

That systems helps me avoid of ton of bad choices. It also helps me recognize a bad choice when I thought something was a good choice and I'm knee deep in it.

There is also the u-turn. Im not sure if @MJ DeMarco uses this in the book ( I havent memorized it ) but lets say before you realize your values you are in the slowlane. Once you figure them out, you plan a course for the fastlane. But instead of changing lanes smoothly, maybe you have to do a u-turn and go the other direction into their fastlane.

That u-turn pivot might take a couple months to pull off. It might take you time to totally course correct and shed that job ( or business ) and get the resources needed to u-turn into the fastlane in the other direction.

That u-turn phase can cause you to doubt yourself and can open you to rethinking if you are doing the right thing. Hard times might come and you might want to head for the safety of the slowlane again.

Finding out my core values helped me steer through the u-turn completely.

If you happen to be old enough to know, think of your core values like a Brodie Knob on a steering wheel. They also go by "granny knob" and suicide knob. It helps you complete that steer into the direction you want to go.

Damn that's a lot!

Some I know, some I didn't. I'll have to see if I can take them and if any overlap.

.

Damn, what you said in this post makes a lot of sense.

I think there have been instances where I've started to turn the steering wheel for that u-turn and then either freaked out or let a bump turn the wheel back.

I'll keep all this in mind when going through the process.

Thanks again for taking time to clarifying.

It has also instigated a bit more curiosity about the Enneagram, where I'm watching some videos and am going 'ah, no wonder'. I'm a Type 5, with a more 4 Wing, but there are some characteristics of 6 Wing as well, so finding out if there are times when a type 5 can swing between the 4 and 6 wings.

This is the one I liked best -

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pnAyMLRsPg


Thanks for your generosity.

 

[OMDA]

Wow.

I read this thread earlier and had a test that rated highest on type 3 but with some possibility of being others, like type 5.

Not having any idea, I read more into the different types. While I have some similarities, type 3 is almost spot on for most things.

Then I found this, where it lists the 'levels' of health for type 3s. I had to laugh because when I am not mentally healthy, the dysfunctions fit me to a tee.

Discussion after wall of text below.

Type Three

Healthy Levels

Level 1 (At Their Best): Self-accepting, inner-directed, and authentic, everything they seem to be. Modest and charitable, self-deprecatory humor and a fullness of heart emerge. Gentle and benevolent.

Level 2: Self-assured, energetic, and competent with high self-esteem: they believe in themselves and their own value. Adaptable, desirable, charming, and gracious.

Level 3: Ambitious to improve themselves, to be "the best they can be"—often become outstanding, a human ideal, embodying widely admired cultural qualities. Highly effective: others are motivated to be like them in some positive way.

Average Levels

Level 4: Highly concerned with their performance, doing their job well, constantly driving self to achieve goals as if self-worth depends on it. Terrified of failure. Compare self with others in search for status and success. Become careerists, social climbers, invested in exclusivity and being the "best."

Level 5: Become image-conscious, highly concerned with how they are perceived. Begin to package themselves according to the expectations of others and what they need to do to be successful. Pragmatic and efficient, but also premeditated, losing touch with their own feelings beneath a smooth facade. Problems with intimacy, credibility, and "phoniness" emerge.

Level 6: Want to impress others with their superiority: constantly promoting themselves, making themselves sound better than they really are. Narcissistic, with grandiose, inflated notions about themselves and their talents. Exhibitionistic and seductive, as if saying "Look at me!" Arrogance and contempt for others is a defense against feeling jealous of others and their success.

Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: Fearing failure and humiliation, they can be exploitative and opportunistic, covetous of the success of others, and willing to do "whatever it takes" to preserve the illusion of their superiority.

Level 8: Devious and deceptive so that their mistakes and wrongdoings will not be exposed. Untrustworthy, maliciously betraying or sabotaging people to triumph over them. Delusionally jealous of others

Level 9: Become vindictive, attempting to ruin others' happiness. Relentless, obsessive about destroying whatever reminds them of their own shortcomings and failures. Psychopathic behavior. Generally corresponds to the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.​

At my worst, I dipped into level 7. But embarrassingly I will admit that a lot of my adult life was operating in the low average level of "Look at me!".

Yeah I had some accomplishments, but the creation of social media, and my use of it, was incredibly bad. Thankfully, I quit Facebook well over a year ago as it was like crack to me. I was always thinking of ways to make myself seem better or awesome or something else.


On the other side, I look at things that have motivated me:

• I first learned html two decades ago because I was playing an online game and wanted to show off my ideas to the other game players. I would go a ridiculous extent to improve it and get recognition for my ideas
• I picked the most 'prestigious' engineering major I could and did what I could to get a high GPA...for the prestige. And part of the reason that I went for PhD program was the 'prestige' and getting into what I saw was a dream job that would impress people. Yes, it was also cool sounding, but it was also impressive and I think I have been in denial about how much that drove me.
• I thought I was an introvert based off of meyers-briggs tests. But, when I picked up dancing, I ended up teaching and learning that I loved being the center of attention. That lead to the biggest change in my personality because I always thought I was an intellectual type. But too much intellectualism drives me bonkers and I need social validation of some sort.
• I did some wild things on a Carnival cruise...that's another story.

But, key thing is that I want to be recognized for achievement in one way or another. That explains quite a bit about my current employment, at least in title. But this new self-understanding is just a first step in understanding how best to move towards my strengths.

Thank you,
@eliquid

​

 

[Daniel Giordano]

thanks for sharing this, it's great to know you are not alone in the pursuit of what we believe we may want in our lives. Thigs change and I choose to use qualities that serve me when I am shifting gears to work on different areas of my life. For the past 18 years my drive has been my wife and kids, to be the dad that was more involved and able to be present not out working 16 hours a day.

I have been able to achieve that, my kids do not know me to have a job and at the same time I always feel like I can do better. Right now in this season of my life I am doing things differently, leaner, focused and connecting. All while my wife and kids are the most important drive. My qualities today are Bold, Connected, Powerful and Wealthy. Wealth is not just money but also knowledge and life experience I get to share with the world.

 

[Envious]

Great post man!

I got ENFP as my personality. I'm normally a bit skeptical about tests that put you in boxes or label you, but this was actually surprisingly accurate.

I've never thought about my Values but i had a deep think and came up with:

• Creativity - The ability to think of new solutions, ideas and perspectives.
• Freedom - The ability to live an unscripted life and change with life's ebbs and flows.
• Growth - To be getting better everyday.
• Autonomy - to be in the driving seat of my life.
• Variety - to be able to enjoy many different things during my day.

 

[eliquid]

Curious how everyone is doing from this thread.

Did you stick to it?

Did you fall off the wagon?

Did you do 1 or 2 parts, but not the whole system?

I'm going to be analyzing how I've done the last 12 months pretty soon and thought it would be timely to bump this thread

 

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[DeepScripted]

I'm sticking my neck out here because I know that SOME people will consider this topic along the same lines of "action-faking", "passion following", and other guru life coaching BS.

However, I'm going for my 3rd Gold on purpose with this thread.

Yes this will be a massive post, covering several posts actually. It gets deep and gets into tapping emotions sometimes. When you think you know what I'm talking about, I might actually spin it around on you later. If you really like what you read, make sure you pay attention.

My aim is not to convince you or "life coach" you. My aim is to help specific people who were once like me on this forum. When you read this thread, you will know who you are and you will understand why I am helping you and posting this. For everyone else that doesn't get it, this post just wasn't meant for you at this time of your life.

And yes, I posted this on another forum first. Why? I didn't know how some of you would take it. So I decided to post it elsewhere, get feedback, and refine it for here. Kinda like how Seinfeld and other comics try out their new jokes on smaller venues before doing them in front of larger crowds.

I'm going to give an intro here first on why I am posting this that will then lead into the actual posting. So here goes....

Intro/Background
Years ago I really thought I knew who I was. I was living a largely unscripted life for the most part and doing things my way.

In many ways, I was also still attached to the the "script" my parents and grandparents passed down to me, as well as society. Each time the script got in my way and I was let down by it, I grew more into the unscripted me.

These events lead me to certain beliefs, values, and goals. It helped me move forward to an unscripted life before MJ's book came out. Based on this, I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted to be.

But see, life is funny in that way.You think you have it all figured out but many times you don't know the WHY behind those things. Many times you don't care to look into the WHY because "life happens" or you feel you know the real why already.

In 2008 I had a massive FTM. It was one of many and it was not my last. However, this one specific FTM lead me to huge financial success in my own business. Years later even with success in business, I found myself depressed over the same things that lead to my FTM in 2008.

So in 2015 I decided to do some soul searching. What come out of that is what I present to you below.

I didn't post this background information elsewhere. I wanted you all to know the background so you could see where I was coming from and why I posted it. The story jumps to the present day now below:

The Post

Every 12 months or so, I take a look at my goals and I figure out if what I completed is in alignment with what I want in life.

But the big question is, what is it I want?

And what do I do when my want's change?

It's be proven that depression can come from doing work that doesn't align with your core values, whether you know your core values or not. If you are stuck doing things daily that really do not fit you, wouldn't you be depressed too?

In 2015, my core values were:

• Individuality
  
• Freedom
  
• Trust
  
• Simplicity
  
• Activeness

These past few days I re-evaluated my core values and came up with:

• Simplicity
  
• Creativity
  
• Entrepreneurship
  
• Stability
  
• Autonomy

Now these words all mean something different, to different people. That's OK. What they mean to you when you make out your list is all that matters. Sometimes, these values can mean different things at different times to the same person...

It took me a few days actively thinking about these values ( from multiple different lists I pulled up online ) and thinking about my past, current, and future life. What I ended up with fits me now. This is key because what you want and need can change every year.

So why is this important?

As builders and entrepreneurs, you are going to get distracted with new shiny projects and ideas. Maybe in the middle of building your empire you get offered a sweet cushy executive job.

Maybe it's as simple as you get the urge to move to another city.

If you know your core values, you can compare these new projects, job offers, urges to change against the core values and see if it really makes sense to do so.

For a personal example, I took my core values above and made a personal mission statement:

"To solve problems with simplicity, creativity, and entrepreneurship while creating a full and stable life that provides autonomy"

If something comes up, I ask myself if it aligns with my core values and mission statement.

An example of this might be:

• Work on new shiny Adsense project - Is it simple? Yes. Is it creative? No.
  • I found a no, so I should pass on this new shiny object
• Got offered a cushy VP job at XYZ Inc - Is it simple? No
  • It also isn't entrepreneurial, so I need to pass on it
• Found a new house I love, its $475,000 and I need a mortgage
  • It doesn't fit autonomy. I will feel obligated to pay my mortgage and do things to make sure it's paid like take a job or give up a trip I really wanted to go on maybe to pay the bills.
  • However, maybe I can find a creative and entrepreneurial way to still get this house, like live in for 6 months and AirBNB it the other 6 months of the year.

A lot of you might disagree with what I put above as examples.

You might say, a mortgage isn't a problem really. You need a house, its your dream house, its just one bill, it doesn't really impact your independence and freedom.

But this exercise is about how "I feel and I think". When you do yours, you use your feeling and wisdom that you live by. That's the whole idea of core values and how YOU personally understand them.

So if you had the same core values as me and made the same mission statement as me, it's no wonder you feel depressed and miserable working a J-O-B as the Director of some web agency. It's no wonder your miserable working on projects where none of your creativity shines through. It's no wonder your sick and worried all the time when you have no stability in your life bouncing from girlfriend to girlfriend while moving to a different city and changing jobs every 3 months ( if stability was one of your core values, as it is for me ).

Get the picture?

Knowing your core values is like knowing your goals.

Once you figure them out, you can make better decisions about what choices you make in life. Backing that up with a mission statement ( personal ) will further strengthen that.

BTW, your core values and mission statement can be different from the ones you pick for your business.

One last thing I do to further ensure I stay on track is to add in Priorities.

My priorities for 2015 where these:

• Family
• Charity & Faith
• Building Net Worth

I haven't figured out my priorities yet for this year since I just changed my core values and mission statement for the next 12 months, but once I figure those out I will share here.

Since I know my core values, my mission statement, and my priorities I am never stuck trying to figure out, "what do I do?" when presented with a decision I need to make. I also know exactly how to define my goals for the year, month, week, and day because my goals are going to be reflections of my values, mission statement, and priorities.

For example, I'm not going to go through with, or make new goals, that have me trying to land a job with higher pay. That doesn't fit in anywhere. Im also not going to make goals that have a high % of violating any of my value and priorities in the future.

I'm not going to make goals that don't reflect my values, mission statement, and priorities. I'm also going to know what I always need to be doing without second thought since I make decisions based on these values, missions statement and priorities.

And because I'm doing things that align with me and my values, I'm going to be fulfilled and happy regardless if I hit the goals I make 100% or not.

This is why you have to be brutally honest with yourself in doing this exercise.

You may even need to be like me and figure out values, then rework them daily for the next week to get down to what really resonates with you and is honest with you. Then take a couple days to refine your mission statement and priorities to make sure they really are truly you.

Say I made one goal of making $100,000 in 12 months with Amazon Kindle and at the end of the year I miss it. I only made $45,000 instead.

Would I be sad for missing my goal? Maybe, but really only because I knew I could have done better and I really needed the extra money. However, I won't feel miserable or depressed because I was doing work and aligning my future with what resonated with me and fits me.

Working on Amazon Kindle projects more than likely would be:

• Simple - It's not hard to write content
• Creative - I can write about any topic and any when I pick one, any idea in that topic with a touch of flair
• Entrepreneurial - I'm working for myself, no one tells me how to do it, sky is the limit income wise
• Stable - Maybe not rich and wealthy, but once the ball is rolling it can be stable and recurring
• Autonomy - I have freedom and independance and options working on these projects

So if I miss my goal, all is not lost.

Now think of yourself with the goal to make $100,000 and you're in a job. You have the same values, but the only way you can get more money is to convince your boss to give you a raise, or change jobs to another company. Even if you hit $100k at another company, you are not in alignment with your values and you will have this nagging and unfulfilled desire.

It's not hard to prove either.

Look at all the depressed and sad people in the world around you. Maybe they are family members, co-workers, friends, or just people you overhear at Qdoba eating lunch next to you.

You think those people are actively doing exercises like this? Or do you think they are reacting to their surroundings like lost sheep in the woods?


Do yourself a favor....

1. Figure out your true, real core values. Spend several days on it
2. Make a mission statement around them
3. Figure out your top 3 priorities
4. Erase your old goals and make new ones based on #1-3 above. Make sure every goal fits and doesn't violate a core value or priority.
5. Once your goals are set, set smaller daily, weekly, and monthly goals to hit those larger goals. Make sure these smaller goals that set you up to your larger goals don't violate values or priorities.
6. In 6 or 12 months, re-evaluate who you are and your values. Adapt if need be.

Exactly what I need right now. Thanks for laying it out, invaluable wisdom!!!

 

[RayAndré]

Hey @eliquid (or anyone else) this question has been on my mind recently and I'm curious to hear your thoughts:

How do you differentiate/coordinate between accepting who you are and becoming who you want to be?

Clearly who we are has gotten us to where we are today. But if we want to change where we are then we have to change something about ourselves. How can you know the best way to change that will get you where you want to go without going against who you really are?

 

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[Danny Sullivan]

Just a side-note to anyone:

It's also worth to check this again if major changes happen in your life, like beeing left by a longtime spouse or something similar. Maybe you are really not the one you thought you are, when you were with him/her.

Thanks again for this thread. It provides some light on otherwise darkend paths.

 

[RayAndré]

@LittleWolfie Yea none of these tests are perfect. The key is to know yourself. And that takes self-reflection.
Lots of it.

Know your strengths, and find how they can best be applied and leveraged towards your success.

What are your strengths now?
What were your strengths 10 years ago? (Can you build them back up?)

Then ask: "What does it take to be successful in X type of business I'm considering?"
See if they line up.

 

[LittleWolfie]

@LittleWolfie Yea none of these tests are perfect. Then ask: "What does it take to be successful in X type of business I'm considering?"

See if they line up.

No, they never do line up well together, that is what I wish to discuss.



I want to know what kind of niches do line up with my particular strengths and weakness and personality type (scientist)



The usual answer I get is that you have to be the sociable relationship-building type in order to be an entrepreneur which to me smacks of the kind of black & white closed thinking mindset people here rally against. I'm looking for a solution, not to be told that my very nature is a problem.



(Can you build them back up?)[/QUOTE]

@LittleWolfie



What are your strengths now?

Research, is a good strength of mine, I(fit the scientist personality quite well) I’m very good at anything that requires me to be very literal. (So I find Lawyer types much easier to talk to than frustratingly vague people, whom fail to say what they mean and mean what they say). I’m also excellent at taking criticism, especially when it is of a constructive nature. So I'm absolutely great at the hypothesis approach, where you set the initial conditions, test change variables and keep retesting. I can be positive at a failure since a negative result indicates something is not worth pursuing.





I’m also excellent at noticing (UK-style) writing & editing errors(I was tested as being in the top 10% of people in the UK with that ability.



Of course spell checkers have made that worse(since they default to US-style and most people don't change them, my grammar can look worse even when it is correct. Plus, why pay for what can be automated?



I’m pretty good at staying calm, when people are being snotty and extracting the information out of people(research).



Identifying areas where time and money could be saved, and suggesting systems to do so (System analysis and design) providing a specification for a developer to implement from simply speaking to clients.

What were your strengths 10 years ago? (Can you build them back up?)

With enough money and time, I could certainly build my strengths back up. However I need to identify something that gives me more of both first, or a better way of turning time into money.



I used to be a much faster typist (120 word-units a minute, but I have slowed down due to my constant usage of a smart phone. Automated transcription and the ease of third world outsourcing makes this a poor business model.



I used to be much better at virtualisation, low level and API and back end-coding. As well as at bandwidth and energy saving techniques.



I absolutely suck at social media, relationship building and networking, as well as things like writing a story about your business (Am I flogging e-books?) and what for a lack of a better word I will call other wishy-washy, airy-fairy bulls**t

 

[eliquid]

I want to know what kind of niches do line up with my particular strengths and weakness and personality type (scientist)

If you take the personality tests, there are careers matched up for what your results are. MBTI and Enneagram both have this for you to browse through. Just Google it up.

The usual answer I get is that you have to be the sociable relationship-building type in order to be an entrepreneur which to me smacks of the kind of black & white closed thinking mindset people here rally against. I'm looking for a solution, not to be told that my very nature is a problem.

Whoever is giving you those answers is a flake. I know a lot of introverts who are entrepreneurs, including myself. Most introverts make off better as entrepreneurs than employees.

.

 

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