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Are 20-40 Years Old More Lonely Than Ever?

Lex DeVille

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I've found it useful to have several social groups going at the same time. They normally have nothing to do with one another. That way I can dabble socially. It's fun.
I'm working on this. In addition to the church, I've joined a singles FB group and we're going on a two-day float/camping trip next month. To make sure I have people in close proximity, I booked a raft that holds several people instead of just renting a one-man kayak. All raft seats are filled, so I should make some new friends. It's weird, but I'm starting to see glimpses of a younger version of myself...one that didn't give a f*ck about talking to anyone, anywhere, anytime. Maybe I can reintegrate parts of that person into my current self.
 
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I'm working on this. In addition to the church, I've joined a singles FB group and we're going on a two-day float/camping trip next month. To make sure I have people in close proximity, I booked a raft that holds several people instead of just renting a one-man kayak. All raft seats are filled, so I should make some new friends. It's weird, but I'm starting to see glimpses of a younger version of myself...one that didn't give a f*ck about talking to anyone, anywhere, anytime. Maybe I can reintegrate parts of that person into my current self.
My husband always asks me if I must talk to everyone. I laugh and tell him yes. I enjoy talking to different people and listening to their different interests and backgrounds. Have fun on your trip. Make new friends and learn something interesting.
 

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Haven't read the entire thread, but as a grown a$$ adult that has 0 friends, this speaks to me.

I have resentment and I'm jaded. I believe this stems from the fact that I was ruthlessly dedicated to my core friend group, and after 20 years, not a single one of them struggled to walk away from me. Of course, there was bullshit on both sides, but I can confidently say I wasn't in the wrong (not that being right makes it suck any less).

Nowadays I'm constantly torn between "it would be nice to have friends to do stuff with," and "meh, I love my personal isolation (personal, not business), and I love the fact I have 0 social obligation (because screw spending my entire Summer going to 25 weddings when 23 of them will end in divorce anyway)."

Besides, how the hell do you even make friends at 34? Especially when most people only care about their crappy jobs, annoying partners, and obnoxious kids. I'm supposed to smile and nod while pretending I care about any of it, just so I have someone to go mountain biking with, or someone to shoot some pool with? I now have to wait for you to "ask permission" to hang out with your friends simply because I want to have someone to go to Six Flags with so I don't have to ride rollercoasters with strangers?

Meh. This entire social construct feels like if I'm not consistently allowing it to bend me over, then I'm simply pushed aside for the person that will. I hope one day I figure it out, but in the meantime, I'm going to focus on juggling my 10 projects, lmfao.

Cheers.
 

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Haven't read the entire thread, but as a grown a$$ adult that has 0 friends, this speaks to me.

I have resentment and I'm jaded. I believe this stems from the fact that I was ruthlessly dedicated to my core friend group, and after 20 years, not a single one of them struggled to walk away from me. Of course, there was bullshit on both sides, but I can confidently say I wasn't in the wrong (not that being right makes it suck any less).

Nowadays I'm constantly torn between "it would be nice to have friends to do stuff with," and "meh, I love my personal isolation (personal, not business), and I love the fact I have 0 social obligation (because screw spending my entire Summer going to 25 weddings when 23 of them will end in divorce anyway)."

Besides, how the hell do you even make friends at 34? Especially when most people only care about their crappy jobs, annoying partners, and obnoxious kids. I'm supposed to smile and nod while pretending I care about any of it, just so I have someone to go mountain biking with, or someone to shoot some pool with? I now have to wait for you to "ask permission" to hang out with your friends simply because I want to have someone to go to Six Flags with so I don't have to ride rollercoasters with strangers?

Meh. This entire social construct feels like if I'm not consistently allowing it to bend me over, then I'm simply pushed aside for the person that will. I hope one day I figure it out, but in the meantime, I'm going to focus on juggling my 10 projects, lmfao.

Cheers.
I felt sad reading your post. May you find peace and happiness.
 
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Oso

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I felt sad reading your post. May you find peace and happiness.
I have both. Relationships should enhance your life, not complete it. Being occasionally lonely doesn't prevent me from being happy. I appreciate your concern though. Life moves so fast these days it's easy to forget we're all human.
 

WJK

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I have both. Relationships should enhance your life, not complete it. Being occasionally lonely doesn't prevent me from being happy. I appreciate your concern though. Life moves so fast these days it's easy to forget we're all human.
Maybe I misunderstood your post. You didn't sound happy. I'm glad you are OK.

I agree that relationships should enhance your life. Sometimes they are messy and painful. Sometimes one must walk away. l also know that good relationships are a lifeline when life gets too crazy. I have friends that go back more than 40 years. I am blessed by them and my wonderful husband.
 

Oso

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Maybe I misunderstood your post. You didn't sound happy. I'm glad you are OK.

I agree that relationships should enhance your life. Sometimes they are messy and painful. Sometimes one must walk away. l also know that good relationships are a lifeline when life gets too crazy. I have friends that go back more than 40 years. I am blessed by them and my wonderful husband.
No worries, misunderstandings happen. Reading tone is difficult in text. All is well!

Don't get me wrong, I simultaneously lost 4-5 people I've known for 20+ years as if our friendship never mattered in the first place. While I was devastated at the time, I've come to accept it and move on. It was the best outcome for everyone involved and I wish them the best.

In my experience, they tend to go the route of "messy and painful." My hands are dirty too, of course, I'm not playing the victim. Most people receive the "this is an idea of what it takes to maintain a romantic relationship" talk, but I feel we seldom receive the "this is how to be a good friend" talk. I feel it's simply a matter of this being evidence I need to mature before I venture out with the goal of making friends.

I am sincerely happy knowing you have a support system because I 100% agree with you: good relationships are a lifeline when life gets crazy. They're a lifeline when life is calm. Cherish them. I have no shame in admitting I miss my best friend more than I can verbalize.

It's cliché but true: life's most painful lessons are the most important ones.

Cheers.
 
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PapaGang

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How did you end up meeting new people when you moved? Work?

EDIT: Nevermind. I just saw your other post
Right. It was easy because we got introduced to people who shared an interest. It sounds dumb and simple, but we were kind of "dumb and simple" before Facebook and Discord and ChatGPT.
And honestly I loved it.
 

Kevin88660

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Haven't read the entire thread, but as a grown a$$ adult that has 0 friends, this speaks to me.

I have resentment and I'm jaded. I believe this stems from the fact that I was ruthlessly dedicated to my core friend group, and after 20 years, not a single one of them struggled to walk away from me. Of course, there was bullshit on both sides, but I can confidently say I wasn't in the wrong (not that being right makes it suck any less).

Nowadays I'm constantly torn between "it would be nice to have friends to do stuff with," and "meh, I love my personal isolation (personal, not business), and I love the fact I have 0 social obligation (because screw spending my entire Summer going to 25 weddings when 23 of them will end in divorce anyway)."

Besides, how the hell do you even make friends at 34? Especially when most people only care about their crappy jobs, annoying partners, and obnoxious kids. I'm supposed to smile and nod while pretending I care about any of it, just so I have someone to go mountain biking with, or someone to shoot some pool with? I now have to wait for you to "ask permission" to hang out with your friends simply because I want to have someone to go to Six Flags with so I don't have to ride rollercoasters with strangers?

Meh. This entire social construct feels like if I'm not consistently allowing it to bend me over, then I'm simply pushed aside for the person that will. I hope one day I figure it out, but in the meantime, I'm going to focus on juggling my 10 projects, lmfao.

Cheers.
Similar interest and personality that make you to have common post meal topics.

I realised that all my such friends are water-signed horoscope (me included).

Strange but not so strange coincidence.
 

Andy Black

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My husband always asks me if I must talk to everyone. I laugh and tell him yes. I enjoy talking to different people and listening to their different interests and backgrounds. Have fun on your trip. Make new friends and learn something interesting.
My mum expects it to take an hour when I pop down to the shop to get a few groceries.
 
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WillHurtDontCare

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I can't speak to the cure for female loneliness, but for men, the cure is to work towards some big, difficult mission that naturally requires the help of other men.

I think that the closest friendships tend to be military friendships. Those guys who went through hell together - getting physically and psychologically tortured by drill sergeants in training, getting shot with bullets and explosives halfway around the world, watching friends die, doing all kinds of daring shit that most people couldn't dream of. Very few people can understand the hardships that they went through or some of the highs they've experienced, so naturally they'd form close bonds with the small group of guys who did that.

So the core would be:

  1. Big mission with some crazy payoff. It could be in terms of money, adventure, power, chicks, or whatever. It just has to be much better than what normal people get.
  2. It has to be difficult to ward off the non-serious people.
  3. The more diverse skillsets required the better, that way there is less fighting for status. A great marketing guy and a great operations guy can build a solid business together without needing to compare themselves.
  4. Bonus - having a common enemy is a great way to unify a cause. When I think of the last time that the USA felt really united, it was September 11, 2001. I think that a common hatred might be an even more powerful unifier than any other common ground.
 

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I can't speak to the cure for female loneliness, but for men, the cure is to work towards some big, difficult mission that naturally requires the help of other men.

I think that the closest friendships tend to be military friendships. Those guys who went through hell together - getting physically and psychologically tortured by drill sergeants in training, getting shot with bullets and explosives halfway around the world, watching friends die, doing all kinds of daring shit that most people couldn't dream of. Very few people can understand the hardships that they went through or some of the highs they've experienced, so naturally they'd form close bonds with the small group of guys who did that.

So the core would be:

  1. Big mission with some crazy payoff. It could be in terms of money, adventure, power, chicks, or whatever. It just has to be much better than what normal people get.
  2. It has to be difficult to ward off the non-serious people.
  3. The more diverse skillsets required the better, that way there is less fighting for status. A great marketing guy and a great operations guy can build a solid business together without needing to compare themselves.
  4. Bonus - having a common enemy is a great way to unify a cause. When I think of the last time that the USA felt really united, it was September 11, 2001. I think that a common hatred might be an even more powerful unifier than any other common ground.
We are a species designed to constantly achieve; constantly climb mountains.
 

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This would be the most infuriating thing.

The new trend of let the government do the work, they are "qualified" is disturbing.
Sweden is worse. The Social Democrats tried (and to a large degree succeeded) to replace the family unit with the state during their long post-WWII reign. Nowadays, people will simply outsource their family issues to the state, with parents willingly giving up custody to institutionalize their children (my father did this to my youngest brother).
 
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Aidan04

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I can't speak to the cure for female loneliness, but for men, the cure is to work towards some big, difficult mission that naturally requires the help of other men.

I think that the closest friendships tend to be military friendships. Those guys who went through hell together - getting physically and psychologically tortured by drill sergeants in training, getting shot with bullets and explosives halfway around the world, watching friends die, doing all kinds of daring shit that most people couldn't dream of. Very few people can understand the hardships that they went through or some of the highs they've experienced, so naturally they'd form close bonds with the small group of guys who did that.

So the core would be:

  1. Big mission with some crazy payoff. It could be in terms of money, adventure, power, chicks, or whatever. It just has to be much better than what normal people get.
  2. It has to be difficult to ward off the non-serious people.
  3. The more diverse skillsets required the better, that way there is less fighting for status. A great marketing guy and a great operations guy can build a solid business together without needing to compare themselves.
  4. Bonus - having a common enemy is a great way to unify a cause. When I think of the last time that the USA felt really united, it was September 11, 2001. I think that a common hatred might be an even more powerful unifier than any other common ground.
Started a DJ group with my friends who are into EDM, and we host underground raves in the woods.

The crew recently grew to 7 people. We are literally like 7 college guys pulling off small festivals with rented equipment just because we can and it's awesome.

I think we had 200+ people show up to the last one.

We're essentially a chosen family now because every month we work towards a common goal that we're all passionate about, and it feels like Ocean's 11 every time we pull it off.

In December, we're going up to the Adirondack Mountains at 1 am and filming a live set in a fire tower. In January, we'll be hosting our 3rd rave in the woods and we are expecting 300+ people to show up.

We're gaining lots of traction locally, and it feels like we're really making a difference in people's lives by just going out there and doing shit that we love. I feel like these men are my brothers now.

It really meets all the criteria you described:
- EDM is really a niche thing where we are but people eat it up
- In order for this to work, everyone needs to pull their weight and do their job
- We all have different jobs/skillsets that we bring to the group
- We are all passionate about a common goal

AND we have a common enemy. Our college. We dislike many of our college's policies on mental health, and we want to give back to the community in a significant way.

Essentially:
Be the main character, and you will have friends.
 

WillHurtDontCare

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Started a DJ group with my friends who are into EDM, and we host underground raves in the woods.

The crew recently grew to 7 people. We are literally like 7 college guys pulling off small festivals with rented equipment just because we can and it's awesome.

I think we had 200+ people show up to the last one.

We're essentially a chosen family now because every month we work towards a common goal that we're all passionate about, and it feels like Ocean's 11 every time we pull it off.

In December, we're going up to the Adirondack Mountains at 1 am and filming a live set in a fire tower. In January, we'll be hosting our 3rd rave in the woods and we are expecting 300+ people to show up.

This is awesome. Take a lot of videos, not just for social media, but for the memories of when you look back on what a great time you had.
 

Aidan04

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This is awesome. Take a lot of videos, not just for social media, but for the memories of when you look back on what a great time you had.
We do! We have an Instagram account and a YouTube channel.

We're getting more professional filming done for our next events, the last 2 times we had to just use our phones.

It's @do.it.done on Instagram if you'd like to check it out.

Many fond memories so far.
 
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Lack of friends has been a bane for me for much of my life.

Some of it is personality (INTJ) and interests. I'm a girl, but I enjoy being outdoors, building this business, riding and racing my motorcycles, hiking, training my sport-bred puppy, horses (when I have the time and money), martial arts - I have no knowledge or interest in things like makeup, or hair, or clothing, or fashion, or celebrities, or the latest tv shows....shoot, I know plenty of men who have a lot more interest in those things than I do. I learn what I need to for practical use, and that's it. I really can't stand kids, either. I'm not a feelings based person - at all. I do not value feelings - of course I have them, but I logic my way through them, and that alone eliminates a huge portion of the female population from getting close to me lol.

So, just by interests and time, meeting people I connect with is hard enough. It was a little easier when I lived out west as it was much more acceptable for me to be friends with a guy, and it was easier to find like minded women, even best friends. Now that I live in the southern US, it's a LOT harder as the vibe here is just very different and there's still a very backwards view of women, even though it can be very subtle, having experienced the opposite, it permeates things here. Most of the guys I've met are blind to it, even when I try to explain it they can't see it - just so interwoven to how they think/view the world.

This has led to being even lonelier than normal LOL. Most of the time this does not bother me - thankfully I am pretty introverted and don't need much human interaction to be satisfied in that regard, although never having anyone to just talk to about "life stuff" does get - well - lonely for lack of a better word. Online communities help a little bit. It's not "acceptable" here to be good friends with a guy unless you're dating or they're gay (which isn't 'acceptable' either and makes their lives much harder), so with a bunch of hobbies and interests that are predominately male dominated, just a smaller and smaller pool of potential friends until it's some moist sand and no longer a pool lol.

Eventually I will probably move back west when I can someday afford it again (it wasn't worth giving up everything else I love just to stay out there) - the area I'm in makes it relatively easy to do all the things I enjoy doing otherwise, so with those being the two options, I'm content here for the time being. There's a long ways to go between where I'm at and where I will need to be in order to afford the life I want where I want.
 

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I agree with this.

I'm 35 and have hardly any friends anymore.

I've changed a lot in the last 5 years and have moved away from friend's I've known for over 25 years.

No one I knew has started a business, goes to the gym regularly or prioritised their health.

When I do see them or meet up with them which is probably once a year or every 2 years, I get the job mentality, the escape from the job mentality that they have to drink, take coke or go on a holiday to escape their life. They seem to be caught in the rat race, work in a job they hate, make ok money, pay bills and repeat.

I find that very hard to be around. I meet people online but wouldn't call that fiendship.
 

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I agree with this.

I'm 35 and have hardly any friends anymore.

I've changed a lot in the last 5 years and have moved away from friend's I've known for over 25 years.

No one I knew has started a business, goes to the gym regularly or prioritised their health.

When I do see them or meet up with them which is probably once a year or every 2 years, I get the job mentality, the escape from the job mentality that they have to drink, take coke or go on a holiday to escape their life. They seem to be caught in the rat race, work in a job they hate, make ok money, pay bills and repeat.

I find that very hard to be around. I meet people online but wouldn't call that fiendship.

Noticing this more & more myself as well.

While I love my old friends and value the role they played in my life, it seems to get harder to really connect with them as time goes on. I find the same detachment exists even with family.

Our lives have diverged so drastically. Their conversations revolve around complaining about everything they can think of, talking about how little work they can get away with doing without getting in trouble, etc.

It is something I am struggling with at the moment as I am back home for Christmas. Despite being around people I've known my entire life, I feel more lonely than ever before on a social level.

I do find it beneficial in some ways though as it makes it easy to ignore distractions and keeps me tuned in and focused on my goals. I find great satisfaction in accomplishing goals, but it is unfortunate to not be able to share these accomplishments.
 
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Noticing this more & more myself as well.

While I love my old friends and value the role they played in my life, it seems to get harder to really connect with them as time goes on. I find the same detachment exists even with family.

Our lives have diverged so drastically. Their conversations revolve around complaining about everything they can think of, talking about how little work they can get away with doing without getting in trouble, etc.

It is something I am struggling with at the moment as I am back home for Christmas. Despite being around people I've known my entire life, I feel more lonely than ever before on a social level.

I do find it beneficial in some ways though as it makes it easy to ignore distractions and keeps me tuned in and focused on my goals. I find great satisfaction in accomplishing goals, but it is unfortunate to not be able to share these accomplishments.
It's not your age. It's your goals and your lifestyle. Successful people must leave others behind in order to find their own level. This is normal for everyone.
 

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What a fantastic thread - I did find myself feeling lonely after giving up alcohol. I found a lot of the "close" connections I had disintegrated in front of me. I had to completely change up my strategy for making friends, which was isolating - especially as a British university student. I do not mention it because people immediately treat you differently when they realise you're sober. They think I'm the fun police!

The gym has been a Godsend. I've had to constrain myself from talking with people I know at the gym since my workout would take too long if I indulged. You find other people focused on life and other sober people, too. Great ways of opening conversation with people:
  • "Hey, I love x piece of item. Where did you get it from?"
  • "What exercise does that work? I'm just curious :)"
  • "Hey, I always see you at the gym, and you seem chill. What's your name?"
  • Complimenting someone on their form/ lift amount. People work had to get these right.
  • "Hey, can you spot me?" is a classic one.
Another couple tips:
  • Talking to the gym staff, I've made a great friend I ran with today on a 7km run by asking him for tips/talking to him.
  • I always lend my hip-thrust pad if I'm not using it on a leg day. They'll thank you for not having to use the crappy gym. I've made friends from this kindness.
  • Go at the same time & go frequently. I'll go 5x a week since the gym is my bread & butter for health. You'll likely see the same people & that warms them up to talk to you.
  • RISKY: Correcting someone's form if it looks dangerous - I've had this work well and not so much. Proceed with caution.

Latin & ballroom dancing has also been fantastic - having a dance partner week to week with you that matches your energies is invigorating. You screw up, step on each other's feet & laugh it off. The joy is that you can just sporadically begin dancing with them whenever you feel like it - it's a refreshing connection.

I've also found it a great way to quickly connect with people if you can teach them how to dance. As long as you keep an open hold that doesn't emphasise contact & you're not weird about it, it goes well.
 

Andy Black

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What a fantastic thread - I did find myself feeling lonely after giving up alcohol. I found a lot of the "close" connections I had disintegrated in front of me. I had to completely change up my strategy for making friends, which was isolating - especially as a British university student. I do not mention it because people immediately treat you differently when they realise you're sober. They think I'm the fun police!

The gym has been a Godsend. I've had to constrain myself from talking with people I know at the gym since my workout would take too long if I indulged. You find other people focused on life and other sober people, too. Great ways of opening conversation with people:
  • "Hey, I love x piece of item. Where did you get it from?"
  • "What exercise does that work? I'm just curious :)"
  • "Hey, I always see you at the gym, and you seem chill. What's your name?"
  • Complimenting someone on their form/ lift amount. People work had to get these right.
  • "Hey, can you spot me?" is a classic one.
Another couple tips:
  • Talking to the gym staff, I've made a great friend I ran with today on a 7km run by asking him for tips/talking to him.
  • I always lend my hip-thrust pad if I'm not using it on a leg day. They'll thank you for not having to use the crappy gym. I've made friends from this kindness.
  • Go at the same time & go frequently. I'll go 5x a week since the gym is my bread & butter for health. You'll likely see the same people & that warms them up to talk to you.
  • RISKY: Correcting someone's form if it looks dangerous - I've had this work well and not so much. Proceed with caution.

Latin & ballroom dancing has also been fantastic - having a dance partner week to week with you that matches your energies is invigorating. You screw up, step on each other's feet & laugh it off. The joy is that you can just sporadically begin dancing with them whenever you feel like it - it's a refreshing connection.

I've also found it a great way to quickly connect with people if you can teach them how to dance. As long as you keep an open hold that doesn't emphasise contact & you're not weird about it, it goes well.
I went to college studious and an exercise junkie. I fell in with drunking culture and came out worse off than I went in. It probably took a couple of decades to feel like myself again. Seems you're learning earlier than I did. Well done.
 
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Andy Black

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I agree with this.

I'm 35 and have hardly any friends anymore.

I've changed a lot in the last 5 years and have moved away from friend's I've known for over 25 years.

No one I knew has started a business, goes to the gym regularly or prioritised their health.

When I do see them or meet up with them which is probably once a year or every 2 years, I get the job mentality, the escape from the job mentality that they have to drink, take coke or go on a holiday to escape their life. They seem to be caught in the rat race, work in a job they hate, make ok money, pay bills and repeat.

I find that very hard to be around. I meet people online but wouldn't call that fiendship.
As you get older you have less friends but the few you have are deeper friendships. You'll naturally find new friends over time. They may or may not be employed or self-employed. They likely won't be complainers.
 

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I went to college studious and an exercise junkie. I fell in with drunking culture and came out worse off than I went in. It probably took a couple of decades to feel like myself again. Seems you're learning earlier than I did. Well done.
This is all too common. No one is safe from this. People who I knew were sensible turned into alcoholics & made questionable life choices because "hey, everyone else is doing it!". No one seems to question if there is a better way to socialise than to be comatose in a sweaty club.

I've also heard it all too often that "I'll give it up after uni" - I don't think it works that way. You have after-work drinks, your friends you made in uni still want to go out and drink, and you have the difficulty of being unable to turn up to a random university club to make a change. It becomes much more challenging.

Please don't see me saying this as I'm superior; I'm not. I've just seen how much sobriety has helped. It is the essence of aggregation of marginal gains & everything was easier to do.
  • Habits were more straightforward to form and keep.
  • Bad habits were more straightforward to deconstruct.
  • You naturally move from an environment that is anti-business, anti-value creating, and anti-health to one that welcomes and celebrates it. I've only had good responses from what I do.
  • You get more time back & you're more present all the time.
  • You're far less likely to do stupid stuff - MJ talked about how one choice can completely derail your life, drinking culture is filled with these choices. Hell, I nearly made choices that should have killed me four times over in one night.
What do I gain from drinking?
  • Some funny memories of people embarrassing/hurting themselves
  • Maybe a hookup
  • Feeling included
  • Comradiery?
  • Risk of a debilitating injury
It just doesn't stack up.

Edit: Don't get me wrong, too. I loved drinking. I was that fourteen-year-old kid in a rural English park drinking straight vodka. I could swish & swallow it by the mouthful, and I wouldn't wince. I loved the taste. I fondly look back on my first year of university, as some of the best times I had with people were then, even if I wasn't good friends with them. It's just that I couldn't see my vision of myself, an entrepreneur, co-existing alongside it. Dreams have to come first.
 
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