Am I Being Too Hard On My Cousin?

[Nick The New Guy]

A quick background.

He is a 21 year old guy. No issues whatsoever that prevent him from excelling in life. He is a smart person, generally a nice guy, and could quite honestly do whatever he wanted if he were to apply himself. He just refuses to.

Growing up, his mother has always acted like the world owes her something. She was given the trailer she lives in, she was given the small plot of land that it is on, the cars she has driven. Everything of value she has was given to them by family members. She can't hold a job because "the boss picks on her" and she ends up quitting. She too is not a dumb person, but is beyond lazy. She will work harder to get out of doing something, than it would take to do it.

Everything is always someone else's fault (when she has gotten arrested, doesn't pay her bills and the electricity gets shut off, she gets fired for not showing up to work etc.)

Her son saw all of this growing up and is following down the same road. All they do is use illegal substances, and look for the next handout.

He now has a 2 year old son (that lives with the mother). He doesn't have a job. When he gets them, they never seem to last more than a few weeks. They were struggling (for reasons stated above) and I was worrying about his son when he was about a year old. I drove 2 hours, and bought a bunch of baby supplies so that his son wouldn't be hungry and would have diapers etc. It isn't the kid's fault that his parents are unable to do anything positive.

I have separated myself from that side of my family for the most part. They all create the same toxic environment, and I don't approve of the way they live. None of them have 2 pennies to rub together, and I am sure he has probably asked everyone else. We aren't close anymore.

As of a few weeks ago, him and his ex girlfriend split up and she is keeping his son. I found out today (as you will see in the picture) that he went on a spur of the moment road trip to Colorado. I have 0 doubt that it was so they can go out there and indulge in the legal smoking.

He messaged me on Facebook asking for a handout - See image

http://imgur.com/a/DB8qo
Do you guys think I was hard on him by leaving him stranded out there? Could this maybe be the wakeup call that he needs to pull his head out of his a$$? Thanks for any input.

 

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[kkompoti]

you cannot fix him. his problem is his problem. probably lying about the money. maybe he wants money to buy more pot.
don't feel sad about someone elses vices that led to problematic decisions. he is responsible for himself.

wake up calls come from within, not from a cousin that left you stranded. don't have hope for that either.

 

[Ravens_Shadow]

Odds are he won't change, stop trying to change him. Cut your ties, tell him he needs to man up and let it be. He is an adult, he made is own decisions and its nothing that should concern you at this point. When he wants to learn, he'll reach out to you or someone else, otherwise, he'll keep doing the same thing over and over because that's just what most people do. Only he can make his life decisions. If the kid isn't in any immediate danger, let it be too.

 

[GuestUser155]

You did the right thing, but let's analyse his copy:

Hey man I know I haven't talked to you in a while and I hate to ask you but your my last resort. I came to Denver with a few friends, had it all planned out and had enough money but these guys I came with spent their money we were supposed to get home on, is there anyway you can help me out?

First thing that stands out to me is: this isn't an emergency.

Who texts for emergencies? Are you going to text 911 you were just stabbed? Are you going to text your husband that your son fell into a gorilla enclosure?

No, you're going to call. Not only does it convey urgency, you can also express or fake emotions better.

"Your [sic] my last resort" is cliche, and likewise, a lie.

Denver's a big city, there are shelters, food-banks, and churches to ask for handouts.

There's also going to door-to-door and telling them your made-up story. Couchsurfing is a thing (and a very useful website).

Next thing is his story.

"You're The Average Of The Five People You Spend The Most Time With" Ben Franklin / Jim Rohn.

You associated with bad decision-makers and thus you are one.

If you're going to come asking for free things, don't move me to disgust.

Move me to sadness and pity. Make me feel your suffering. Make a connection.

As well, the text is too short. Tell me a story and make it look like you put some effort into this.

Make it look like that getting help is something the only thing you need right now.

The poor punctuation make it look like we're just casually chatting. Like you have no self-restraint about freely asking for handouts.

The only thing he did right was end with "anyway you can help me out?"

It's open to interpretation. Or would be if he had left any usage of money out. If he had, it could look like a humble request for a ride home, instead of a dirty handout.

Then he could leverage human biases and start asking for more once you agreed and were already there.

My rating?: A 2/ 10. Would I hire him from UpWork? No.

 

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[Nick The New Guy]

You did the right thing, but let's analyse his copy:



First thing that stands out to me is: this isn't an emergency.

Who texts for emergencies? Are you going to text 911 you were just stabbed? Are you going to text your husband that your son fell into a gorilla enclosure?

No, you're going to call. Not only does it convey urgency, you can also express or fake emotions better.

"Your [sic] my last resort" is cliche, and likewise, a lie.

Denver's a big city, there are shelters, food-banks, and churches to ask for handouts.

There's also going to door-to-door and telling them your made-up story. Couchsurfing is a thing (and a very useful website).

Next thing is his story.

"You're The Average Of The Five People You Spend The Most Time With" Ben Franklin / Jim Rohn.

You associated with bad decision-makers and thus you are one.

If you're going to come asking for free things, don't move me to disgust.

Move me to sadness and pity. Make me feel your suffering. Make a connection.

As well, the text is too short. Tell me a story and make it look like you put some effort into this.

Make it look like that getting help is something the only thing you need right now.

The poor punctuation make it look like we're just casually chatting. Like you have no self-restraint about freely asking for handouts.

The only thing he did right was end with "anyway you can help me out?"

It's open to interpretation. Or would be if he had left any usage of money out. If he had, it could look like a humble request for a ride home, instead of a dirty handout.

Then he could leverage human biases and start asking for more once you agreed and were already there.

My rating?: A 2/ 10. Would I hire him from UpWork? No.

I will agree with everything you said. I don't see helping someone who doesn't want to help themselves being a positive in my life. I feel like I did help him out by sending him to look for a gig that would add some value to his time as opposed to nothing. Oddly enough, he hasn't responded (or even opened) my message to him. That makes me think it isn't any sort of emergency either. I agree...You're the average of the 5 people you spend your time with. Thanks for the well thought out input. Have some thanks

 

[HoneyBadger]

If it's legit, no, you were not too hard.

Just so you know this is a common plot in scams where a Facebook account has been hacked. It tries to tap into 1) humans not thinking rationally during emergencies 2) trust of friends/families 3) a good excuse of why you are about to send money via some cash transfer scheme.

 

[Nick The New Guy]

If it's legit, no, you were not too hard.

Just so you know this is a common plot in scams where a Facebook account has been hacked. It tries to tap into 1) humans not thinking rationally during emergencies 2) trust of friends/families 3) a good excuse of why you are about to send money via some cash transfer scheme.

Nah. Not a scam. It really is just my cousin pulling his normal crap... Victim of something that he didn't do or has no control over.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

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[AgainstAllOdds]

A bit of advice: If he starts blaming you for his problems, just block him online, in your phone, etc., and move on.

He needs to take some responsibility. Not you.

 

[limitless_c]

I'm younger than him and I can not understand how someone can behave that way.

and with a son!?....

Its not your fault and you wasn't harsh, you just told him the truth.

 

[nradam123]

Depends on how important he is for you man.
If he a close member of my family, someone who I truly care for, I will do whatever it takes to help him.
It could be something like "I will give you money in return of seeing a counselor with me" or something like that. I dunno. Some councilors have done wonders to people who I know, its their job after all.

Obviously I wont do that kinda service to a distant relative or a beggar on the street, although maybe the beggar is in a greater need. Because I am not a philanthropist yet.

I don't think you truly care for him like you care for your brother or your kid because you wont even ask this question in the forum then. Hence, I think you made the right choice.

 

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