Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for me?

[Sid23]

I was supposed to drive 5 hours today to head to my hometown to spend a few days with my family over Xmas. I really have no desire to go. I’m wondering if this is terrible of me to call my family and just say I’m not coming?

I relocated across the country 8 weeks ago, and since, have been on 8 business trips and 2 trips home (1 for Thanksgiving) to see my family. So 10 trips in 8 weeks. Needless to say, I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. If I didn’t go home, I could spend 4 days lounging, watching movies and just relaxing. It sounds heavenly to me, other than the mental anguish of not going to see my family for the holidays.

To make it worse, my family is pretty hard to be around. My parents are divorced and my mom tries to schedule things on purpose, the same time my dad does. It’s like they are competing for my attention. (I’m 31 by the way and have a wife). It’s nuts. And my mom is pretty rude to my wife (Jewish mother syndrome – my wife “stole†me from my mom in her eyes) so that makes it hard also. My wife has to pass a national exam in about 2 weeks, so is staying behind to study.

Every year I go to a big party on Xmas eve with my dad’s family and then spend Xmas Day with my mom, then dinner on Xmas Day with my dad. This year, for some reason, my 28yo brother decided to plan a dinner with my mom and his girlfriend at the same time of the big party with my dad’s family. WTF? He said he “feels bad for mom who has to sit home alone†on Xmas eve every year. I totally understand that, but I do not feel it is my “job†to take care of my mom’s feelings. I am a good son to her and spend plenty of time with her when I am home, and I don’t think I should have to skip the big party with my dad’s side (like 80 people), which is my favorite part about being home for Xmas.

To top it off, there is a HUGE storm coming in later today, so if I go, I might get stuck there for several days.

So I feel like I’m in a bind. I’m not sure what to do. I thought maybe getting it off my chest here would help. I like the impartial audience.

Thanks for listening to my rant and happy holidays to all.

 

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[bflbob]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

Sounds like it is time for you and your wife to start a new Christmas Tradition!

I'd vote to stay home, but I would have given them more notice.

Whatever you decide, have a great one!

 

[EastWind]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

you are not being a bad family member. why didn't you invite your mom? invite her, buy her the ticket if it's about the money. if she say's no, it's on her. if she say's yes, you won't be feeling all guilty and wondering.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

IMO, I'd suck it up and stick to your normal plan ... Xmas eve w/Dad, Xmas day with mom. Then leave and go back home assuming the storm don't ground you. My reasoning is this: You won't have your mom and dad forever. If something happened to your mother a day after you were supposed to see her, this is a decision you will regret. Knowing moms, she's been looking forward to seeing you for weeks, perhaps months.

 

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[Russ H]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

I used to go home every Thanksgiving to see the family. It was a perfect opportunity to make a required "appearance" and reconnect w/everyone-- and-- it got me off the hook for Christmas.

I have no real desire to spend time w/my mom, dad, and brother. I love them dearly, but when I come home, seems all they do is remind me why I moved out in the first place! (they are very, very critical of everything-- it's just how they're wired. Drives me nuts).

My wife is a real trooper-- and no longer has a mom and dad-- so if I wanted to go as a family, she'd say yes. Thing is-- she knows I'd hate it way more than she would! :smx4:

I wanted to give you all that background, so you'd appreciate what I'm going to say next:

Go home for the holidays.

There is nothing more hurtful than to tell your family you're coming home, and then bail at the last minute. If you have a sucky time, then use it to tell them you're not coming next year.

But don't break your commitments to your family. Once you start, it's easy to do it more and more.

I would seriously consider BflBob's suggestion of starting a new tradition at your house-- or even do it a week or so in advance (or hey-- what about Thanksgiving?), so that Dad can still have his big bash, but can also come to yours.

Don't be surprised if your family doesn't come, BTW. You need to talk this over w/your wife first, but then plaster it all over your family get together. Make it the topic of conversation. GET COMMITMENTS AT THIS YEAR's HOLIDAY GET TOGETHERS.

That way, if they come-- you can reciprocate, and things start to get more of an even footing. Sounds weird, but it really does work-- they make the effort, and they get to see YOUR LIFE-- YOUR home, YOUR family, YOUR town, etc.

And (here's the biggie):

If they blow you off, you now have every right to never see them again, or be selective, if that is your choice. Me, I'd still go, even if they blew me off. But you'll have a good reason at that point.

They will get it.

Seems like BS, and it is. Family dynamics are family dynamics. There is a LOT of "tit for tat" (hence my suggestion).

Bottom line, I would suck it up and go. Be a mensch.

-Russ H.

 

[Russ H]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

Funny-- I was writing my response as MJ posted his-- ironic we both told you to "suck it up"!

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

Funny-- I was writing my response as MJ posted his-- ironic we both told you to "suck it up"!

We may be different on other levels, but I think our hearts are in the right place! :smxB:

 

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[Kinsey6287]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

Yea bro, suck it up and take the trip. I am a Marine, and for the past 6 years I have been gone for xmas. Don't take incredible things like spending time with your loved ones for granted. Trust me.

Sorry for being so harsh, but this pushes a special button with me. lol

 

[Sid23]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

I appreciate everyone's opinions and thoughts.

I will go and make the best of it.

Just to be clear, though, as Russ noted about his family, its certainly not something I'm excited about. Not all families treat the other members with love, respect and kindness. I understand that family is important and very special, but some are different than others...

Happy Holidays!

 

[bflbob]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

I am a Marine, and for the past 6 years I have been gone for xmas.

:thankyousign:
Thanks so much for those six years! Much appreciation to you and those you missed spending time with. Here's to you. [clink]
:yourock:

 

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[Russ H]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

I appreciate everyone's opinions and thoughts.

I will go and make the best of it.

Just to be clear, though, as Russ noted about his family, its certainly not something I'm excited about. Not all families treat the other members with love, respect and kindness. I understand that family is important and very special, but some are different than others...

I think that's our point.

MJ and Kinsey put it best: You may not regret it today, or next week.

But you might in a few years.

Sometimes we do things that suck, for the greater good.

To be a mensch/good man.

To set an example for our children/other family members.

Even when those other family members treat us like crap.

Be MORE than that.

Isn't that what the fastlane is all about? Taking your life to a new level? Being more responsible/more conscious/more accountable?

Lance ("Legacy Dad"/Psyop Ranger) is a great model for this. He does get into religion a bit, but if you can frame it from your own perspective, I think he's got some great stuff.

-Russ H.

 

[Rem]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

I would tell them you aren't coming and show up anyway. It will make them enjoy you as a present :smxF:

Life isn't always about what you want... and you will be amazed at how much better you will feel if you don't just suck it up... but go and have a good time. Make something happen this year that will be remembered by all those who were there... in a good way.

Relaxing is for when you are dead.

 

[hakrjak]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

I would suck it up and go to Dad's thing... If your mother is disrespectful to your wife, then you've got a valid reason to not attend her thing. A man can't be put in the middle of wife / mother -- that's the worst place to be on the planet.

Cheers,

-Hakrjak

 

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[Russ H]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

... If your mother is disrespectful to your wife, then you've got a valid reason to not attend her thing. A man can't be put in the middle of wife / mother -- that's the worst place to be on the planet.

Hak, I think there are a LOT of moms out there who look on a wife as "that woman who stole my son away from me".

Some just handle it better than others.

I give lots of credit to the mother-in-laws that become friends w/the wife. For some, it's in their nature (they're loving people). But for others-- they do it for their sons. Because they know their son loves the woman, and they want their kids to be happy.

Agree w/you though that being in between a wife and a mom is the WORST-- it's a no win situation!

-Russ H.

 

[Rem]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

Conquer.

Don't hide from life. I would go and not just go through the motions but really conquer it. Don't stoop to anyone's level. Don't fuel any fires by giving into the pettiness and reacting negatively. Again... be above it. Conquer.

The word for this Holiday season is "CONQUER" :banana:

 

[hatterasguy]

Re: Am I being a bad family member or doing the right thing for m

My family is pretty hard to be around to, it also makes the holiday's even more fun because I work with a lot of them and see them every day. My family's favorite activity is screwing eachother over on RE deals.


I find sitting in a corner drinking into sweet oblivian works pretty well.

 

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