Why Can't We Change?

[MTF]

Sometimes I feel that once we start playing some kind of a role in our lives, we can't ever change it. In a way, we start behaving as programmed NPCs in some game who always say and do the same things, always to be found in the same places, never questioning their path.

Why is it so hard to change this? What's blocking us so much that we can't change ourselves even if we hate our situation or simply want to try something else?

For example, imagine that you're a shy, insecure, non-confrontational guy who's always ignored. You wish you were confident. You wish you could speak your mind and be respected. Yet, years go by and you're still that same guy. What's blocking that person?

Or let's imagine you're this responsible, dependable but ultimately boring guy who has no excitement in his life. You wish you could be more adventurous and spontaneous but your rational side can't let it happen. Why is it so hard to do something out of your character, even once?

Or let's imagine that you're stuck in your home town, living a satisfying (from the outside) life. Yet you feel dead inside. You wish you could change it and reinvent yourself. Why is it so difficult to leave the stuff that you hate anyway and do something new?

Why do we get stuck with the same unsatisfying job/business, relationship, place where we live, character, etc.?

Why do we feel this need to keep repeating the same behaviors, even if we're fully aware that we hate our life and want something else?

I know that for some roles there are physiological reasons as well. An obese person may have a f*cked up body that acts against them. Same for a smoker or a junkie.

But for most roles in our lives, there's no clear physical reason why we can't change them. So why is it so hard to do that?

 

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[MTF]

For my fellow nerds, this comedic/serious skit talks about what I'm saying in the first post (you need to watch it to the end to understand the point):

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQ65MK5ZnHQ

 

[Itizn]

Because people don't like being uncomfortable.

You can recreate yourself at any given moment.

 

[MTF]

Because people don't like being uncomfortable.

You can recreate yourself at any given moment.

But you are already uncomfortable. Sometimes to an extreme degree (in an unhappy marriage or with suicidal thoughts), and way more than you'd be from the discomfort of reinventing yourself.

People understand it rationally yet they still stay in that terrible situation. I know that the simplistic thing to say would be that "they don't want it bad enough" but that's not necessarily the case since sometimes they'd rather literally kill themselves than change (and that goes against all logic).

 

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[Antifragile]

Same answer @MJ DeMarco talks about in his books. We need an FTE to propel us to change. No way but up from there.

What you are describing is being comfortably numb. Like having a well paying job you hate.

 

[MTF]

Same answer @MJ DeMarco talks about in his books. We need an FTE to propel us to change. No way but up from there.

What you are describing is being comfortably numb. Like having a well paying job you hate.

As far as I remember Derek Sivers once wrote that people are waiting for a tipping point to change their lives. They can't just move it forward without that "that was too much" event.

For example, they stay in a terrible relationship and wait for that one "final" big event (like a fight or a potential act of infidelity) to finally feel okay breaking up. Or they wait for mistreatment from their boss to quit their job. Or they wait to get sick to have a justification for making big changes in their life.

My question still remains: why?

 

[Antifragile]

As far as I remember Derek Sivers once wrote that people are waiting for a tipping point to change their lives. They can't just move it forward without that "that was too much" event.

For example, they stay in a terrible relationship and wait for that one "final" big event (like a fight or a potential act of infidelity) to finally feel okay breaking up. Or they wait for mistreatment from their boss to quit their job. Or they wait to get sick to have a justification for making big changes in their life.

My question still remains: why?

Mostly because people don’t think.

The biggest problem in the world is that people rarely think. We get on our own “highway” and stay in the lane. It’s habits that drive that kind of behaviour.

I’ll push back on your title and thread being presumed as “why can’t we change” implies we cannot and thus forces me to explain the very narrative you put forth. I disagree. You can and should change.

Now we can discuss HOW?

Typically it’s the FTE. But you don’t need an FTE, you can just imagine (because we are human we can do that) a variety of different futures for ourselves and choose one. Work on developing habits to move us in that direction.

One little step at a time… and it all begins with thinking about it. But most people don’t think. We are too often slaves to our habits.

 

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[Kung Fu Steve]

It's an addiction to the vehicle that meets their needs.

Unless that person truly understands that behavior won't fulfill their needs long-term and immediately replace it with a more empowering vehicle, they revert back to what fulfills them.

 

[Robdavis]

Sometimes I feel that once we start playing some kind of a role in our lives, we can't ever change it. In a way, we start behaving as programmed NPCs in some game who always say and do the same things, always to be found in the same places, never questioning their path.

Why is it so hard to change this? What's blocking us so much that we can't change ourselves even if we hate our situation or simply want to try something else?

For example, imagine that you're a shy, insecure, non-confrontational guy who's always ignored. You wish you were confident. You wish you could speak your mind and be respected. Yet, years go by and you're still that same guy. What's blocking that person?

Or let's imagine you're this responsible, dependable but ultimately boring guy who has no excitement in his life. You wish you could be more adventurous and spontaneous but your rational side can't let it happen. Why is it so hard to do something out of your character, even once?

Or let's imagine that you're stuck in your home town, living a satisfying (from the outside) life. Yet you feel dead inside. You wish you could change it and reinvent yourself. Why is it so difficult to leave the stuff that you hate anyway and do something new?

Why do we get stuck with the same unsatisfying job/business, relationship, place where we live, character, etc.?

Why do we feel this need to keep repeating the same behaviors, even if we're fully aware that we hate our life and want something else?

I know that for some roles there are physiological reasons as well. An obese person may have a f*cked up body that acts against them. Same for a smoker or a junkie.

But for most roles in our lives, there's no clear physical reason why we can't change them. So why is it so hard to do that?

Just a few quick comments...

With all due respect I think that you are overgeneralising. Some people hate change and avoid it, whereas some people like change and are good at it. So you are right that many people don't change but that doesn't make it impossible.

Part of the cause of what you are talking about is force of habit. So we use habits to allow us to do things "without thinking". This is very useful it allows us to develop high levels of skill and coordinate multiple behaviours simultaneously. The down side is that installing new habits and removing old habits takes time and effort. (depending on the skill of the individual at personal change)

If you think you can or you think you can't you're right. So if you think change is hard then it will be harder for you and if you think change is easy it will be easier for you. The strength of your habits is subjective and depends on what you believe about them.

The reason most people don't change is because they are actually comfortable. Yes they may be in a rut, but it is a rut that they are familiar with and that they have developed coping strategies to navigate, their rut has become almost 'effortless' for them.

Humans are not generally logical. They will typically act based on whether they feel they should act rather than whether it is logically a good idea to act. Hence comfort trumps logic and people stay in their current situation.

People wish for things all the time. Wishing is a useless act. 99.99% of the time if you wish for something you will take no action as a result of the wish. It simply isn't enough of an action to move you from your status quo.

That's all for now. Thanks for posting.

 

[MTF]

Mostly because people don’t think.

The biggest problem in the world is that people rarely think. We get on our own “highway” and stay in the lane. It’s habits that drive that kind of behaviour.

I’ll push back on your title and thread being presumed as “why can’t we change” implies we cannot and thus forces me to explain the very narrative you put forth. I disagree. You can and should change.

Now we can discuss HOW?

Typically it’s the FTE. But you don’t need an FTE, you can just imagine (because we are human we can do that) a variety of different futures for ourselves and choose one. Work on developing habits to move us in that direction.

One little step at a time… and it all begins with thinking about it. But most people don’t think. We are too often slaves to our habits.

So let me dig a little deeper. How much has your life changed in the last few years? How many new habits have you added and/or removed that would make people who haven't seen you for years be surprised?

Because we can also get stuck at a "successful" level of life, thinking that we've arrived. Then we lecture other people about changing themselves while we haven't changed much either. So we're also NPCs, just playing a different role.

In a way, don't we sooner or later all get on this highway and stay in our lane the rest of our lives? And that highway may be just as well "a loser living in his parents' basement" or "a successful real estate developer in Vancouver who's into triathlons" kind of a thing.

I'm not attacking you or anything, just trying to clarify a bit more my original post.

 

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[MTF]

It's an addiction to the vehicle that meets their needs.

Unless that person truly understands that behavior won't fulfill their needs long-term and immediately replace it with a more empowering vehicle, they revert back to what fulfills them.

And this understanding doesn't come from logic if I understand it correctly? It has to be an emotional realization?

 

[MTF]

With all due respect I think that you are overgeneralising. Some people hate change and avoid it, whereas some people like change and are good at it. So you are right that many people don't change but that doesn't make it impossible.

So I have the same question as for @Antifragile. How much have you changed in the last years?

I can tell that I've changed in some ways but they're always consistent with my character. I may have improved certain aspects of my life but people who haven't seen me for a few years wouldn't be like "man, you've grown a lot." I'm simply becoming a more developed NPC but still the same person. I haven't changed any aspects of my personality and haven't done anything out of my character.

So in a way, despite being really into self-improvement I don't really differ that much from people who are stuck in a rut.

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

And this understanding doesn't come from logic if I understand it correctly? It has to be an emotional realization?

Correct.

Especially when the behavior is so addictive it becomes your identity -- who you tell people you are.

Once a behavior (wanted or unwanted) goes from something you "did once in a while" or you "used to be like" or "occasionally" to "this is who I am" -- now you've got a real challenge because identity is the strongest force in the human psyche.

There's a MAJOR difference between "I get depressed once in a while", and "I AM depressed", and "I am CLINICALLY depressed" ...

But even more -- it gets reinforced because our lives are simply the direct reflection of the expectations of our peers.

In other words, I'm not who I think I am. I'm not who YOU think I am. I am who I think you think I am.

It'll never change until you get leverage on this nameless person

 

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[Anon05554]

Same answer @MJ DeMarco talks about in his books. We need an FTE to propel us to change. No way but up from there.

What you are describing is being comfortably numb. Like having a well paying job you hate.

We are afraid of the future,
Of the unknown
Of what society will say should we fail
Of disappointing "loved ones"
Of being labeled rebels
Of not conforming.

On the rational front,

We are too lazy to get off our asses
Are surrounded by sympathizers
And fellow whiners
So our abnormal situations
Almost appear normal.

And,
Sometimes people admire us
Making us feel privileged in our pain
And we gloat,
I am better than some.

(Forgive me if you aren't into verse. I am trying my hand at poetry.)

 

[heavy_industry]

Why do we feel this need to keep repeating the same behaviors, even if we're fully aware that we hate our life and want something else?

We as a species are very risk-adverse.
We have evolved to prioritize survival in the present moment over a better potential outcome. We repeatedly do the same things over and over again because this creates a (false) sense of safety.

One of the best catalysts for changing a pattern of behavior is to hit rock bottom / experience a FTE. Fear and pain are great motivators.

 

[Simon Angel]

Humans can do anything they set their minds to — including changing how they act, think, and perceive the world.

I don't think "Why can't we change?" should even be a discussion...

I'm more interested in why people complain about their bad relationships, being introverts, OR feel guilty about dumping money in the casino.

Either embrace the fact that you're a gambling nerd in a shitty relationship while giving ZERO F*cks about moral principles or what others think of you...

OR, if it's REALLY bothering you — end your relationship, force yourself to socialize until you become accustomed to it, and never put your money into machines that are mathematically designed to screw you (and other hopeless retards) over 99% of the time!

People who "vent" or complain to others about their circumstances don't do it because they can't change...

They do it because they prefer hearing "Hey man, it's all going to be ok!" rather than changing into a person that doesn't need external validation or reassurance for their actions.

 

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[Johnny boy]

Environment and attachment.

Take away your friends, your hobbies, your car payments and mortgage, your obligations, your schedule and appointments, the places you have to be, anyone who knows you, your memories of what you've done...

You would find it very easy to do anything and to become anything.

You would not have any trouble because there is no "you" in the first place to be staying the same. What would you keep the same?

Attachment comes in many forms.

For example, I have a reputation of doing whatever the hell I want. The reason for that is so if a small part of me wants to do something new, I know that when I do it, everyone will say "that's Johnathan doing what he does". I have nothing to overcome.

You would look at a guy who lives a life you want and think he is better in ways he isn't. He may just have set up his environment to make some things easier than others.

If you do not like how you are, untie yourself from your environment a bit, make your change, and when you are happy with your environment and new path, then it's a good time to put down some roots.

Imagine how strong of an effect your environment has. If you land yourself in a military base and have to spend a year training, living and hanging out with navy seals, your day to day tasks will be wildly different, your attitude will be wildly different, your habits will be wildly different. You will be wildly different. It would be hard NOT to be.

The other problem is a misunderstanding of the order of change.

You don't sit in front of a fireplace and say "give me warmth, and then I will supply the wood".

Likewise you cannot say "I want to be a new kind of person" and wait until you feel like that kind of person before taking the kind of actions that a person like that would take. It's the wrong order.

You must realize "Oh, I need to act like a different person before I can feel like that person, and then actually be that person".

So, the best combination is to understand the correct order of change, then remove the anchors that attach you to your current life, change your environment, seek out an environment that makes it easy to become who you want to be, start acting that way even if you don't feel like it, and then watch yourself change.

Another idea to add to that would be to look at your life as if you were an outside observer and to make your own judgements if you were to look at that man as a stranger. What would you say to him if he came to you and said his current goals and problems and excuses? What would you tell him to immediately go do and to stop waiting? Now just go do those things. Rinse and repeat. Learn how to give yourself good advice and see yourself as a stranger, because to everyone else you are.

 

[Robdavis]

So I have the same question as for @Antifragile. How much have you changed in the last years?

I can tell that I've changed in some ways but they're always consistent with my character. I may have improved certain aspects of my life but people who haven't seen me for a few years wouldn't be like "man, you've grown a lot." I'm simply becoming a more developed NPC but still the same person. I haven't changed any aspects of my personality and haven't done anything out of my character.

So in a way, despite being really into self-improvement I don't really differ that much from people who are stuck in a rut.

I think that there are two problems with your question.
So, if I answer it I could say, I think I've changed a bit over the past few years.
You could then say well how much is 'a bit' and then we have a discussion over whether is a lot or not. That's the first problem.
The second problem is it's not clear to me why I would change any aspect of my personality / character that I am happy with and seems to be working for me. So you could say, "Well, you haven't changed because you can't". I would then reply and say well maybe I could, but I didn't because I didn't need to.

I almost think that these problems are likely intractable, so we may just have to agree to disagree. I think that I've changed, but you could say it's no more than anyone else, hence I'm still in a rut of sorts. And then I say well I could change if I had to and you say I couldn't, but that's mere speculation on both our parts because the future is fundamentally unknown.

I'm not sure at the moment, how I can answer your post any better.

 

[Spenny]

Why is it so hard to change this? What's blocking us so much that we can't change ourselves even if we hate our situation or simply want to try something else?

For example, imagine that you're a shy, insecure, non-confrontational guy who's always ignored. You wish you were confident. You wish you could speak your mind and be respected. Yet, years go by and you're still that same guy. What's blocking that person?

Or let's imagine you're this responsible, dependable but ultimately boring guy who has no excitement in his life. You wish you could be more adventurous and spontaneous but your rational side can't let it happen. Why is it so hard to do something out of your character, even once?

Or let's imagine that you're stuck in your home town, living a satisfying (from the outside) life. Yet you feel dead inside. You wish you could change it and reinvent yourself. Why is it so difficult to leave the stuff that you hate anyway and do something new?

Why do we get stuck with the same unsatisfying job/business, relationship, place where we live, character, etc.?

Why do we feel this need to keep repeating the same behaviors, even if we're fully aware that we hate our life and want something else?

I know that for some roles there are physiological reasons as well. An obese person may have a f*cked up body that acts against them. Same for a smoker or a junkie.

But for most roles in our lives, there's no clear physical reason why we can't change them. So why is it so hard to do that?

I don't think that this is a definitive answer really. Sounds more philosophical than anything.

Maybe it's also the way that we approach problems, sometimes we just jump straight to what we want and then think about how much work its going to take to get there.

Why do some people not build up an emergeny fund? Because 6 months of expenses is a lot of money, but not so much if you start cutting fat.

Perhaps it's fear of standing out? I think that there isn't many communities that can show you another way. It's taken me years to finally find people & communities that lift me up, who have ambitions & high aspirations - outside of that its a desert apart from the occasional person.

Perhaps some may prioritise saving face to their peers? It's lonely & painful to go about doing something thats different to your surroundings. Many people don't have a healthy attitude to improvement, learning ect & you find that you drift from people pretty quick. I've had it happen to me before, I've lost so many people I used to hang around with because I prioritised my plans.

Likely its a combination of all of them & its suffocating if you live blindly with it.

 

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[Spenny]

Fear and pain are great motivators.

They really are, one of my biggest fears is never becoming financially free.

And I agree with humans being risk averse. Primitively , the person who runs off from the herd is far more vulnerable.

 

[Primeperiwinkle]

There can only be two basic loves... the love of God unto the forgetfulness of self, or the love of self unto the forgetfulness and denial of God.

St. Augustine said that. It’s at the heart of what you’re asking.

Real change, whether you’re religious or not, comes from either death or love.

People don’t change because they don’t want to die (let go, sacrifice, or suffer the loss of their own pride/sense of self) or because they haven’t found something/someone to love.

 

[Patryk.]

So I have the same question as for @Antifragile. How much have you changed in the last years?

I can tell that I've changed in some ways but they're always consistent with my character. I may have improved certain aspects of my life but people who haven't seen me for a few years wouldn't be like "man, you've grown a lot." I'm simply becoming a more developed NPC but still the same person. I haven't changed any aspects of my personality and haven't done anything out of my character.

So in a way, despite being really into self-improvement I don't really differ that much from people who are stuck in a rut.

Seems like you wanted to get feedback/praise on your progress recently and you didn't get any.

Do you see any "change" in David Goggins in recent years? I don't but I think David sees it for sure.

Beside it, I am sure you don't need to change character for further grow like David didn't change.

 

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[Antifragile]

So let me dig a little deeper. How much has your life changed in the last few years? How many new habits have you added and/or removed that would make people who haven't seen you for years be surprised?

Because we can also get stuck at a "successful" level of life, thinking that we've arrived. Then we lecture other people about changing themselves while we haven't changed much either. So we're also NPCs, just playing a different role.

In a way, don't we sooner or later all get on this highway and stay in our lane the rest of our lives? And that highway may be just as well "a loser living in his parents' basement" or "a successful real estate developer in Vancouver who's into triathlons" kind of a thing.

I'm not attacking you or anything, just trying to clarify a bit more my original post.

Honestly, you lost me here.

I’ve changed a lot and will continue to change as I see areas for my personal growth and improvement.

But to compare a middle aged “mommy’s boy can’t move out of a basement” with a successful entrepreneur seems contradictory to your original question. Would it not be necessary to accept the challenge of creating a business?

More than anything, I’m now confused. And I’ve been on this forum a while, so you know me very well.

Am I supposed to become proof of your thinking by discovering some area of my life that totally sucks to the point of suicidal thoughts and yet not changing it? I can’t think of anything. I’m far from perfect, mostly an average person. I’d like to think I’m a good father, husband, friend… employer etc. I’d like to think that most of my habits aren’t bad.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

But for most roles in our lives, there's no clear physical reason why we can't change them. So why is it so hard to do that?

Amazing thread and topic M!

I believe it’s because you don’t know what you don’t know given your current identity and conditioning. Think of the way you grew up… it took years of conditioning to get you to be the person you are.

Usually this conditioning is violent in nature. You lacked any sort of control in life, and had to obey what adults told you to do as a kid. And if you didn’t you’d get ruthlessly punished. I’m not saying necessarily physically - but attention would be withdrawn, you wouldn’t get what you wanted and so on.

But now, as an adult, there’s no one left to punish you. There’s no one left to condition you. To push you in a certain direction and make sure you keep going in that direction. If anyone tried to subject you to the sort of treatment kids are subjected to, you’d run away… + no one has time for that. But it’s precisely that treatment that’s required to really change on a deep level. So you’re stuck with the direction you got growing up.

You may not like it, but you don’t really know any other direction. Superficially this may feel like anxiety… being fearful of change. And there certainly is some of that, but it’s much more than that.

Because imagine for a moment that you had a person who lived with you who was 100% dedicated to getting you to be who you truly want to be. And who knew the way. And stayed with you, coaching you, prodding you, from morning to night. Like the coach of a world class athlete.

If you’d be told at each step of the way, do this, do that, don’t think about things this way and so on… with the necessary rewards and punishments along the way, you’d get conditioned differently and you’d realise it’s not really fear holding you back.

It’s lack of knowledge… you simply don’t know what you don’t know, and that stops you from being different. And I use “know” here in the Biblical sense… as a man KNOWS his woman. It’s not an intellectual kind of knowledge that you miss, but a bodily kind of knowledge of what it would mean to be different.

You can act differently… sure. But deep inside, it’s still that old you, that old conditioning acting differently, with no knowledgr of what it feels like to BE different.

Same with everything you do.

 

[freek]

Environment and attachment.

Take away your friends, your hobbies, your car payments and mortgage, your obligations, your schedule and appointments, the places you have to be, anyone who knows you, your memories of what you've done...

You would find it very easy to do anything and to become anything.

You would not have any trouble because there is no "you" in the first place to be staying the same. What would you keep the same?

Attachment comes in many forms.

For example, I have a reputation of doing whatever the hell I want. The reason for that is so if a small part of me wants to do something new, I know that when I do it, everyone will say "that's Johnathan doing what he does". I have nothing to overcome.

You would look at a guy who lives a life you want and think he is better in ways he isn't. He may just have set up his environment to make some things easier than others.

If you do not like how you are, untie yourself from your environment a bit, make your change, and when you are happy with your environment and new path, then it's a good time to put down some roots.

Imagine how strong of an effect your environment has. If you land yourself in a military base and have to spend a year training, living and hanging out with navy seals, your day to day tasks will be wildly different, your attitude will be wildly different, your habits will be wildly different. You will be wildly different. It would be hard NOT to be.

The other problem is a misunderstanding of the order of change.

You don't sit in front of a fireplace and say "give me warmth, and then I will supply the wood".

Likewise you cannot say "I want to be a new kind of person" and wait until you feel like that kind of person before taking the kind of actions that a person like that would take. It's the wrong order.

You must realize "Oh, I need to act like a different person before I can feel like that person, and then actually be that person".

So, the best combination is to understand the correct order of change, then remove the anchors that attach you to your current life, change your environment, seek out an environment that makes it easy to become who you want to be, start acting that way even if you don't feel like it, and then watch yourself change.

Another idea to add to that would be to look at your life as if you were an outside observer and to make your own judgements if you were to look at that man as a stranger. What would you say to him if he came to you and said his current goals and problems and excuses? What would you tell him to immediately go do and to stop waiting? Now just go do those things. Rinse and repeat. Learn how to give yourself good advice and see yourself as a stranger, because to everyone else you are.

very good post! the part about environment really hits home for me. As much as i love the people around me they are not where i want to be and honestly do not really force me to grow. "you are like the 5 people you spend the most time with" definetely something i need to work on.

 

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[JordanK]

I think a lot of the answer has to do with never being able to go back to the way things were after the change is made.

Blow up a stagnant relationship... will never be the same if you try to rekindle it in the future...
Move countries... lose touch with family, friend groups, work/business...
Sell your business
Move house
Having kids
Starting a new career/study
Retiring
Ending a friendship

 

[Andy Black]

I think most people don't change when they want to because they don't want it enough, don't believe they can do it, or don't know how.

Many people that do want to change are stuck over-thinking rather than taking action.

I don't think school helped. All that solving of problems we don't have means we're trained to over-think and mot take action. Heck, the "script" would even have us wait for permission to go to the bathroom.

 

[biophase]

Sometimes I feel that once we start playing some kind of a role in our lives, we can't ever change it. In a way, we start behaving as programmed NPCs in some game who always say and do the same things, always to be found in the same places, never questioning their path.

Why is it so hard to change this? What's blocking us so much that we can't change ourselves even if we hate our situation or simply want to try something else?

For example, imagine that you're a shy, insecure, non-confrontational guy who's always ignored. You wish you were confident. You wish you could speak your mind and be respected. Yet, years go by and you're still that same guy. What's blocking that person?

I can give you an example of how I haven't changed. When I was in high school or even college, when the teacher asked the class a question, I usually knew the answer. But I never raised my hand to answer it. There was always some other kid that would. I'm sure we all know that kid that raised his/her hand every time. Maybe I was too shy or insecure. Maybe I didn't want to be a Mr. know it all or I just didn't want to participate. I knew the answer was right, I just didn't like to draw attention to myself.

Fast forward 25 years, I'm in a community college class, super successful, confident, and don't give a shit about the grade. Same situation, the teacher asks a question. I know the answer. Nobody else in the room raises a hand after 5 seconds. Do I raise my hand. Nope. Don't know why. Just couldn't get myself to do it. I kind of wanted to, but still didn't.

You'd think that things would have changed from being 20 years old to 45. I was fairly self aware of myself. I do remember thinking to myself that it was weird that I paused or froze in that situation. Maybe I still don't like the attention.

Sometimes, it's just not who you are. So don't try to become someone that you are not.

 

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[Guest116255]

Sometimes I feel that once we start playing some kind of a role in our lives, we can't ever change it. In a way, we start behaving as programmed NPCs in some game who always say and do the same things, always to be found in the same places, never questioning their path.

Why is it so hard to change this? What's blocking us so much that we can't change ourselves even if we hate our situation or simply want to try something else?

For example, imagine that you're a shy, insecure, non-confrontational guy who's always ignored. You wish you were confident. You wish you could speak your mind and be respected. Yet, years go by and you're still that same guy. What's blocking that person?

Or let's imagine you're this responsible, dependable but ultimately boring guy who has no excitement in his life. You wish you could be more adventurous and spontaneous but your rational side can't let it happen. Why is it so hard to do something out of your character, even once?

Or let's imagine that you're stuck in your home town, living a satisfying (from the outside) life. Yet you feel dead inside. You wish you could change it and reinvent yourself. Why is it so difficult to leave the stuff that you hate anyway and do something new?

Why do we get stuck with the same unsatisfying job/business, relationship, place where we live, character, etc.?

Why do we feel this need to keep repeating the same behaviors, even if we're fully aware that we hate our life and want something else?

I know that for some roles there are physiological reasons as well. An obese person may have a f*cked up body that acts against them. Same for a smoker or a junkie.

But for most roles in our lives, there's no clear physical reason why we can't change them. So why is it so hard to do that?

Hi MTF

The first thing to consider is that there are personal traits which are not able to be modified. An example of this is introversion and extroversion, whilst an introvert may be able to work on his or her socialization score, it is very unlikely that the process will be enjoyed.

An example of this is an introvert delivering a perfect speech, although they might have not enjoyed it, the skill is mastered.

In this sense, the introvert will naturally shift towards situations which do not require him or her to socialize as much.

~~

The second set of personal traits are those which can be changed. Unfortunately, not everyone is so good at starting and keeping good habits (Read Atomic Habits by James Clear if you are interested in this subject). An alternative that I have found to work is to travel, or to change your environment.

Clear talks in his book about cues, and how without cues, a habit is unlikely to be done. In other words, for me, the cue for playing video games might be seeing the controller, by removing cues, you can get rid of the bad habit.

When you travel, suddenly all the cues you've ever lived with in your home are suddenly gone. Your home layout is different, your schedule is different, your social circle is different. Although not obvious, a cue for watching TV might be a large comfy sofa in your house, travel abroad for a few months and not only is the sofa gone, but the size of the TV will likely shrink too depending on where you stay.

 

[MTF]

Once a behavior (wanted or unwanted) goes from something you "did once in a while" or you "used to be like" or "occasionally" to "this is who I am" -- now you've got a real challenge because identity is the strongest force in the human psyche.

There's a MAJOR difference between "I get depressed once in a while", and "I AM depressed", and "I am CLINICALLY depressed"

That sounds a little like what @Johnny boy wrote a few posts later about his identity being doing whatever he wants. With such an identity you can't be defined in any easy way.

So can this be a solution? Develop your identity as someone who's essentially formless?

Or to be more precise, is it ever good to have any narrowly-defined identity? There are of course many narrowly-defined positive identities but they still get you stuck. For example, if you define yourself as a great parent, you'll be unlikely to take risks as that will go against being responsible.