Why Can't We Change?

[MTF]

We as a species are very risk-adverse.
We have evolved to prioritize survival in the present moment over a better potential outcome. We repeatedly do the same things over and over again because this creates a (false) sense of safety.

One of the best catalysts for changing a pattern of behavior is to hit rock bottom / experience a FTE. Fear and pain are great motivators.

I always find it frustrating how we have two sides. The emotional animal side (useful primarily in emergencies) and the logical human side. Even though you know logically that what you're doing is stupid, the animal won't let you stop doing it out of a fear you know makes no sense.

 

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[MTF]

People who "vent" or complain to others about their circumstances don't do it because they can't change...

They do it because they prefer hearing "Hey man, it's all going to be ok!" rather than changing into a person that doesn't need external validation or reassurance for their actions.

And what if you only complain to yourself yet can't change? I'm pretty sure that most people are unhappy with some parts of their lives yet they choose not to complain about them to anyone else. So they don't want reassurance, yet they can't change it.

 

[MTF]

For example, I have a reputation of doing whatever the hell I want. The reason for that is so if a small part of me wants to do something new, I know that when I do it, everyone will say "that's Johnathan doing what he does". I have nothing to overcome.

That was an excellent post. Thank you so much for sharing this.

May I ask how you developed this reputation/identity? Was it something you've always had because of your upbringing? Or was it a conscious decision at some point in your life to stop giving a F*ck?

If I understand your thinking correctly, the only way to create such a quality in a person who's not like that would be to drop the familiar environment and redesign themselves from zero.

Also, about this:

If you do not like how you are, untie yourself from your environment a bit, make your change, and when you are happy with your environment and new path, then it's a good time to put down some roots.

Would you say it's something that requires months? Or can a person untie themselves from their environment for, say, a a week or two and trigger this process as well?

I'm curious if for example an extreme adventure in the wilderness for two weeks can change your direction or if it's too short, even if very intense.

 

[heavy_industry]

I always find it frustrating how we have two sides. The emotional animal side (useful primarily in emergencies) and the logical human side. Even though you know logically that what you're doing is stupid, the animal won't let you stop doing it out of a fear you know makes no sense.

We do have two sides, but it's not even 50-50.
It's ~10% logic (prefrontal cortex), ~90% animal (almost the entirety of the rest of the brain lol).

Trying to change through logic is futile. The limbic system will always overpower the frontal cortex. Especially when under stress.

The only way to change your life and behavior is through emotion. Control your emotions and you will control your destiny.

 

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[MTF]

Maybe it's also the way that we approach problems, sometimes we just jump straight to what we want and then think about how much work its going to take to get there.

Why do some people not build up an emergeny fund? Because 6 months of expenses is a lot of money, but not so much if you start cutting fat.

Then this may be a problem of perception as well. Because it seems like many people greatly overestimate the amount of work needed to get out of a shitty situation. Their brains are playing tricks on them, making them think as if it's going to take months or years. But sometimes it's just a matter of one conversation or one decision, not years of hard work.

 

[MTF]

We do have two sides, but it's not even 50-50.
It's ~10% logic (prefrontal cortex), ~90% animal (almost the entirety of the rest of the brain lol).

Trying to change through logic is futile. The limbic system will always overpower the frontal cortex. Especially when under stress.

The only way to change your life and behavior is through emotion. Control your emotions and you will control your destiny.

As an extremely rational and analytic mind this drives me crazy lol.

 

[MTF]

St. Augustine said that. It’s at the heart of what you’re asking.

Real change, whether you’re religious or not, comes from either death or love.

People don’t change because they don’t want to die (let go, sacrifice, or suffer the loss of their own pride/sense of self) or because they haven’t found something/someone to love.

I'm probably approaching this from a too rational point of view. But let's imagine that terribly shy guy with no life who really hates where he is. What does he have to lose? Nothing. Of course, there's the loss of comfort but if he's so tired of his life then that loss is nothing compared to the loss of his life, living in a way that he hates.

Would you say that the aspect of love can also apply to loving yourself? In other words, if you don't love yourself, you find it hard to change because deep down you feel you don't deserve a better life.

 

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[MTF]

Seems like you wanted to get feedback/praise on your progress recently and you didn't get any.

Do you see any "change" in David Goggins in recent years? I don't but I think David sees it for sure.

Beside it, I am sure you don't need to change character for further grow like David didn't change.

No, this wasn't about getting feedback or praise on my progress. It was just to show that despite all the new things I've accomplished, I'm still that same guy. It's like I changed by a few percent but nothing more than that.

David Goggins changed completely in his younger days. And now that he's developed his persona, he, at least externally (maybe it's different if you know him), is as predictable as a guy who has a stable corporate job and a moderately satisfying life.

I'm not criticizing David. He's just (again, externally) a good example of someone who changed once, found a place where he's comfortable at (even if it's extremely uncomfortable) and now is only changing by a few percent. No more extreme transformations for him.

His story from the younger days is so powerful because it's so rare. Very few people diametrically change throughout their lives like that.

 

[MTF]

Am I supposed to become proof of your thinking by discovering some area of my life that totally sucks to the point of suicidal thoughts and yet not changing it? I can’t think of anything. I’m far from perfect, mostly an average person. I’d like to think I’m a good father, husband, friend… employer etc. I’d like to think that most of my habits aren’t bad.

Not at all and you are definitely NOT an average person.

I apologize if my wording was confusing. I'll use myself as an example to avoid further misunderstandings.

Objectively speaking, I'm successful now. But I've settled into a narrowly-defined role, a routine of doing the same things that reflect my character. I'm a very predictable person with some painfully frustrating at times qualities.

I don't feel like I differ much from a person who doesn't have such a "successful" life. Both of us are following some kind of a programming, without breaking out of character. Yes, maybe according to some standards my life is "better" than the life of the basement guy. But just as he is trapped as a basement guy, I'm trapped as a writer/solopreneur lone wolf guy.

My question is: why do we have such a strong need to stay in this character for our entire life?

How do I know that this is really the "best" version of me if I always stay faithful to my decided some time ago role in life? I keep making improvements here and there but they're improvements of a few percent, consistent with that narrowly defined role.

I plan to do something out of my character but it's damn painful and feels almost like fighting against gravity. That's strange to me. What is this force and why do most humans pick a role and keep playing it for the rest of their lives?

 

[MTF]

Because imagine for a moment that you had a person who lived with you who was 100% dedicated to getting you to be who you truly want to be. And who knew the way. And stayed with you, coaching you, prodding you, from morning to night. Like the coach of a world class athlete.

If you’d be told at each step of the way, do this, do that, don’t think about things this way and so on… with the necessary rewards and punishments along the way, you’d get conditioned differently and you’d realise it’s not really fear holding you back.

And how much time do you think you'd need to solidify this change? Because in this imaginary example you rely 100% on that coach. What would happen once you "graduated"? At what point would the coach be able to disappear without you reverting to your default wiring?

For example, I'm your stereotypical introvert. Let's say I hired a coach who would live with me 24/7 to turn me into a super social, extremely confident and fun to be around person. Let's imagine that's physically possible (lol) and let's imagine I'm willing to do whatever he says. What if, say, after a year of such training he would leave me? Wouldn't I, progressively over time, revert back to that introvert?

Bill Gates grew up to be a nerdy, geeky kid. Socially awkward. He’s the same to this day. The only reason he gets any chicks is because he’s rich. He didn’t change at all, fundamentally. Sure, he may be able to talk to strangers today without feeling as much discomfort as he did as a kid… from an external frame of reference it may be indistinguishable from a person different from him. But deep inside, he does not know and cannot know what it’s like to be Andrew Tate for example. He was simply not conditioned that way, even if he were to act like Andrew, he wouldn’t be able to FEEL like Andrew.

And that is my point. Despite all that happened in his life, he remained Bill Gates the nerd.

Though Elon Musk is probably a good example of the opposite. He seems like an extreme nerd by nature as well but was capable of changing his personality to become a playful, confident guy.

 

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[MTF]

I think a lot of the answer has to do with never being able to go back to the way things were after the change is made.

Blow up a stagnant relationship... will never be the same if you try to rekindle it in the future...
Move countries... lose touch with family, friend groups, work/business...
Sell your business
Move house
Having kids
Starting a new career/study
Retiring
Ending a friendship

Some of these can be reverted and/or don't create a completely different life. Or actually, the only one I can think of that is truly irreversible and can F*ck up your life is having a kid. You can't hand the child back and it'll always be a part of your life, or at least for as long as they're alive. Everything else is reversible, to a smaller or larger extent.

 

[MTF]

I think most people don't change when they want to because they don't want it enough, don't believe they can do it, or don't know how.

Many people that do want to change are stuck over-thinking rather than taking action.

I don't think school helped. All that solving of problems we don't have means we're trained to over-think.

The "script" would even have us wait for permission to go to the bathroom.

Overthinking is definitely a factor as the more you think, the more difficult the change appears to be. Though if you're a responsible person who always needs to have a detailed plan, you'll never get out of this predicament since you won't feel confident taking action until you plan it out (and in the process of planning, you'll turn a simple change into the most difficult thing ever).

 

[MTF]

I can give you an example of how I haven't changed. When I was in high school or even college, when the teacher asked the class a question, I usually knew the answer. But I never raised my hand to answer it. There was always some other kid that would. I'm sure we all know that kid that raised his/her hand every time. Maybe I was too shy or insecure. Maybe I didn't want to be a Mr. know it all or I just didn't want to participate. I knew the answer was right, I just didn't like to draw attention to myself.

Fast forward 25 years, I'm in a community college class, super successful, confident, and don't give a shit about the grade. Same situation, the teacher asks a question. I know the answer. Nobody else in the room raises a hand after 5 seconds. Do I raise my hand. Nope. Don't know why. Just couldn't get myself to do it. I kind of wanted to, but still didn't.

You'd think that things would have changed from being 20 years old to 45. I was fairly self aware of myself. I do remember thinking to myself that it was weird that I paused or froze in that situation. Maybe I still don't like the attention.

That's an excellent example and it's really fascinating that you still couldn't do it despite it being such a "little" thing (little objectively, not little to you since I understand not liking the attention).

I have a similar story. As a kid, I went to a school party with a friend. I left for a moment and when I was back, he was dancing. I couldn't get myself to do it. I found it F*cking silly and just impossible to do. So I left. To this day, it's physically impossible for me to dance. I cringe just looking at people dancing (barring professional dancers).

Sometimes, it's just not who you are. So don't try to become someone that you are not.

But who or what defines who we are? Unless our behavior is somehow physically programmed, why do we feel the need to always act in a specific, predictable way?

Perhaps I need to read this book as it may answer that question:

Amazon.com

 

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[MTF]

The first thing to consider is that there are personal traits which are not able to be modified. An example of this is introversion and extroversion, whilst an introvert may be able to work on his or her socialization score, it is very unlikely that the process will be enjoyed.

But why they aren't modifiable? Is there any physical reason why an introvert can't recharge in a group of people or an extrovert recharge while alone?

When you travel, suddenly all the cues you've ever lived with in your home are suddenly gone. Your home layout is different, your schedule is different, your social circle is different. Although not obvious, a cue for watching TV might be a large comfy sofa in your house, travel abroad for a few months and not only is the sofa gone, but the size of the TV will likely shrink too depending on where you stay.

I lived in a few places around the world and after some time I settled into a new routine there (that's expected). But that routine was always some kind of a variation of who I am as a person. It wasn't something completely new that I wouldn't do before.

 

[Andy Black]

I think change can happen instantly and it's down to belief. The elephant who can't move more than 5 meters from an anchor in the ground even though it's no longer chained? Show it that it can easily do so and it's belief is changed instantly. (I don't know if that's true with the elephant btw... I'm just trying to explain my point.)

I like trying to find out what people are stuck on and how to get them unstuck. Often it's a simple little thing.

What are you trying to do @MTF? Is there a change your struggling to make happen, or are you "just" trying to figure out why people don't change? I ask because I wonder if you're trying to make a change and are overthinking.

 

[Primeperiwinkle]

I'm probably approaching this from a too rational point of view. But let's imagine that terribly shy guy with no life who really hates where he is. What does he have to lose? Nothing. Of course, there's the loss of comfort but if he's so tired of his life then that loss is nothing compared to the loss of his life, living in a way that he hates.

Would you say that the aspect of love can also apply to loving yourself? In other words, if you don't love yourself, you find it hard to change because deep down you feel you don't deserve a better life.

Yes. But I don’t know anyone who has the capability for loving themself until they’ve received a big dose of patience/kindness/acceptance or faith from someone else. I’m including books/television/music in that list. Adults who hate themselves don’t just wake up one day and decide to love in a good healthy way. Anything that affects your heart in a positive way helps you to change.

You are what you love, a compilation of the values and ideas you’ve attached to.

Its a direct consequence of ideology. If God doesn’t exist and we’re all on same stage of evolution why does life matter? It doesn’t. It’s a grabfest and then you die.

If God does exist and He loves, then you are loved and important to a Creator. And you can look in the mirror and know you have worth because you’re one of His works.

 

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[MTF]

What are you trying to do @MTF? Is there a change your struggling to make happen, or are you "just" trying to figure out why people don't change? I ask because I wonder if you're overthinking.

Both.

I'm curious in general as it's been on my mind recently.

On a personal level, there are some aspects of my personality I don't like and struggle a lot to change it (for example, I'm very non-confrontational in a bad way).

Its a direct consequence of ideology. If God doesn’t exist and we’re all on same stage of evolution why does life matter? It doesn’t. It’s a grabfest and then you die.

Let's not get into a discussion on religion.

 

[Patryk.]

You can't make a huge changes too many times... How David should behave right now to see a big change again? Should he start stand-up comedy? Maybe he should be more soft? Maybe makes jokes every time he is one podcast to make you see a "change"?

Did your first milion changed your life?
I am sure it did.

How about the second one?
A lot less, don't you think?

The same is in developing "character".

I changed a lot when I found I can "build" myself how I want but now you won't never see a such dramatical change in me. I will be the "same" to the rest of my life - only "trauma" can change it and mold me to somebody else or I will find I need a other "myself" to accomplish my new/old goals (as I always want it "bad enough").

I got serious scoliosis as a teenager and now, I am close to cure it (still one year of exercising). I know how hard it is and was to make the spine better but nobody seems to acknowledge anything about my progress. For other people it seems like I don't changed in the last four years. They don't see any difference but it doesn't means I don't change - it is just a "second milion" in my "developing".

If you are older/more developed you are making the fifty million, so nobody will see any big difference...

School made me believe I am introvert. But when I found my goals - become wealthy - I changed to extrovert. I can talk about money (as a normal or sales) person all day but try talking about who is married and who don't - I will fall asleep... so who am I? Both?

Seems like these types of terms are made to lock you in certain way of thinking.

From my point of view people are "non-confrontational" because of theirs environment (mostly when they grew up as it was thiers first "milion"/"brick" in theris life). If you spend all the time with a girlfriend you will become soft. If you spend all the time with aggresive male dudes on the gym/martial art class I bet you will be changing to aggresive dude. Do your remember the saying about the five people we hang out the most? Yeah. It is true.

You run "discomfort club" - we should learn from you master how to be better at things

 

[MTF]

You can't make a huge changes too many times... How David should behave right now to see a big change again? Should he start stand-up comedy? Maybe he should be more soft? Maybe makes jokes every time he is one podcast to make you see a "change"?

And why can't you? Who or what says that you can't reinvent yourself every few years? That's what I'm wondering about. Because in theory, David could now become a musician or a businessman or yes, maybe even a stand-up comedian.

Aforementioned Bill Gates reinvented himself by retiring from Microsoft and focusing on charity work. It was a big change. He could have simply remained in his role as the CEO of Microsoft forever because that was the role he had played for most of his life.

I changed a lot when I found I can "build" myself how I want but now you won't never see a such dramatical change in me. I will be the "same" to the rest of my life - only "trauma" can change it and mold me to somebody else or I will find I need a other "myself" to accomplish my new/old goals (as I always want it "bad enough").

And how can you be sure that this is the role you want to play for the rest of your life? How do you know that it's the absolute best path and that you'll never change dramatically again?

From my point of view people are "non-confrontational" because of theirs environment (mostly when they grew up as it was thiers first "milion"/"brick" in theris life). If you spend all the time with a girlfriend you will become soft. If you spend all the time with aggresive male dudes on the gym/martial art class I bet you will be changing to aggresive dude. Do your remember the saying about the five people we hang out the most? Yeah. It is true.

I started training MMA in January this year. No such changes in me. But I have individual classes so maybe that's the reason. Either way, if I were to spend time with aggressive male dudes, then I simply would find a way not to spend time with them lol. I don't like such people and tend to retreat.

You run "discomfort club" - we should learn from you master how to be better at things

Lol I actually emphasize in almost every single email that I'm simply sharing my thoughts and what I'm learning. I'm not anyone's guru and will never be.

 

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[Black_Dragon43]

And how much time do you think you'd need to solidify this change? Because in this imaginary example you rely 100% on that coach. What would happen once you "graduated"? At what point would the coach be able to disappear without you reverting to your default wiring?

You solidify the change once your environment changes to support that new identity. Quick example - the nerdy, shy, introverted guy would only finally become an extrovert once he’s surrounded himself with “cool” friends who go out partying, drag him along and support that kind of lifestyle. Maybe he gets one of them as a roommate, and now that’s just how they live. At that point, his whole environment has changed to the point that the new identity is demanded of him consistently. It’s not “hard” to live up to it, because his environment is consistently prompting him to be that way.

What if, say, after a year of such training he would leave me? Wouldn't I, progressively over time, revert back to that introvert?

If by the end of that year, your environment has changed so much that the old you no longer fits into the picture at all, then no, you wouldn’t.

Though Elon Musk is probably a good example of the opposite. He seems like an extreme nerd by nature as well but was capable of changing his personality to become a playful, confident guy.

I don’t think Elon Musk is a playful, confident guy. I think Elon is success driven and highly disagreeable. He enjoys and thrives from conflict. There are people like that, myself included. I am an introvert, but many people who know me would find that hard to believe because I enjoy conflicts and am not afraid of picking fights with people.

And yet, if you were to drag me to a club for example, I’d feel I don’t belong there and be quite anxious about all those people surrounding me. I’d probably think “look at all these retards jumping up and down like monkeys”. Why?

Because I was simply not raised in an environment where partying and those kind of social gatherings were the norm. So I find them strange and off-putting. I can do it, but it’s not who I am.

On the other hand take someone like say Andrew Tate, and he’s on his home turf in a club. Because that’s the sort of environment he grew up with. Him and his brother went out partying since they were teenagers. For them, it’s second nature.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

Let me give you another example…

All of us here, you, me, Johnny Boy, and so on could make a whole lot more money than we do if we went down the Dan Pena business acquisitions route. Why don’t we?

Largely because it’s unfamiliar territory, and our environment is pushing us in a different direction. You’ve grown used to self-publishing and writing. It’s your home turf, it comes easy to you. Johnny boy has grown used to running a lawn care business. Comes easy to him. I have grown used to coaching & training and running online service businesses. Comes easy to me.

So it’s not just fear holding us back or discomfort - it’s just that we lack knowledge and don’t know how to proceed in a different direction. It seems incredibly complex to us vs what we are used to doing. Just like water flowing downstream, we naturally take the path of minimum resistance for us. Conditioning is a very very powerful force.

 

[MTF]

At that point, his whole environment has changed to the point that the new identity is demanded of him consistently. It’s not “hard” to live up to it, because his environment is consistently prompting him to be that way.

And if his environment changes to back to what it was? It wouldn't be a lasting change if throwing yourself out of that environment would change you behavior again.

For example, surround me with party-goers and I won't change. I'll simply retreat.

I find it strange that despite all the adaptability we have as human beings, we aren't really that easily adaptable to such little things, let alone the big ones.

All of us here, you, me, Johnny Boy, and so on could make a whole lot more money than we do if we went down the Dan Pena business acquisitions route. Why don’t we?

Largely because it’s unfamiliar territory, and our environment is pushing us in a different direction. You’ve grown used to self-publishing and writing. It’s your home turf, it comes easy to you. Johnny boy has grown used to running a lawn care business. Comes easy to him. I have grown used to coaching & training and running online service businesses. Comes easy to me.

For me it's just because I don't work well with other people and wouldn't want to have such a lifestyle. But then the question is: why am I so loyal to these values? Maybe writing comes easy to me but maybe this would also come easy. I've never tried so I can't tell with certainty.

Similarly, you can't tell that a different business model wouldn't come easy to you.

There are stories of people who tried something for the first time and quickly realized that somehow they're much better at it than others. Nims Purja comes to mind. He had never climbed any big mountains in his life and suddenly became one of the greatest at it.

 

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[Primeperiwinkle]

What do you want to change anyway?

 

[MTF]

What do you want to change anyway?

As I mentioned in my reply to Andy, I posted this thread because I've been thinking about this recently in general (why people pick certain roles and never change them).

On a more personal level, there are some aspects of my personality I want to change but that I don't really want to discuss on a public forum. The one I can share is that I'm a very non-confrontational person and it has landed me in trouble or generated a lot of frustration. Yet, I can't seem to change it. I find myself blocked when I try to be assertive.

 

[Paul David]

Great thread.

I think a lot of it revolves around a combination of multiple things: sub-consciously it's more painful to change then not to (like in your dancing example), environment, your WHY isn't strong enough, habits formed over years, the identity you have formed now because of those habits etc.

I've been thinking about this for a while myself. For example, you'd never ever see me after alcohol dancing on tables, taking my pants off in public, falling asleep in a bar or anything along those lines. No matter how much I drank. Once if I've reached a certain point and that could be sometimes after 10 pints of beer or 5, I've had enough and can't drink anymore and stop. I don't tend to change much whilst intoxicated. Other people are quite different.

I think environment also plays a part, and someone told me recently I'm too comfortable where I am. Which got me thinking, how would my life or identity changed if I took myself to a hotel away from my Wife and kids, house comforts, and worked on growing my business (which is current aim), and not coming home until I hit a figure (lets say £10k a month).

Would my day be different to what it is today? I wouldn't be on this forum typing this message or reading this thread thats for sure. Environment has changed albeit short term.

What if a close relative needed life saving operation and I needed to get £50k asap. Would I be sitting here again on this forum or watching TV of an evening? No. Would I be worried about cold calling a business to see if they are interested in my services? No.

Whats changed? The WHY.

So i think there's not one thing, it's a combination of lots of things which others quite rightly have said.

I think you need something like a strong WHY or FTE to get on the path to change, then your habits over time make it easier. I don't think you'd ever go back to being the person you was. How far you can change is infinite.

 

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[Spenny]

Then this may be a problem of perception as well. Because it seems like many people greatly overestimate the amount of work needed to get out of a shitty situation. Their brains are playing tricks on them, making them think as if it's going to take months or years. But sometimes it's just a matter of one conversation or one decision, not years of hard work.

I think you're spot on, lots of people dont approach it in the best way. I like how Jordan Peterson just advocates to clean your room - simple but effective.

 

[Andy Black]

On a personal level, there are some aspects of my personality I don't like and struggle a lot to change it (for example, I'm very non-confrontational in a bad way).

I'm a very non-confrontational person and it has landed me in trouble or generated a lot of frustration. Yet, I can't seem to change it. I find myself blocked when I try to be assertive.

Can you give us a scenario?

 

[Andy Black]

I always find it frustrating how we have two sides. The emotional animal side (useful primarily in emergencies) and the logical human side. Even though you know logically that what you're doing is stupid, the animal won't let you stop doing it out of a fear you know makes no sense.

I don't find this frustrating.

I even came across a way of thinking that helped me:

Whenever you have the urge to do something that's a distraction, then take note... that's your lizard brain panicking that you're about to do something that will move you forward. Use that urge as a signal NOT to get distracted.

Your status-quo seeking lizard brain is now an asset and friend. It can tell better than you what your next step should be.

(Take with a pinch of salt. I see this more to make use of the emotional part of us that may hold us back.)

 

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[Mattie]

Sometimes I feel that once we start playing some kind of a role in our lives, we can't ever change it. In a way, we start behaving as programmed NPCs in some game who always say and do the same things, always to be found in the same places, never questioning their path.

Why is it so hard to change this? What's blocking us so much that we can't change ourselves even if we hate our situation or simply want to try something else?

For example, imagine that you're a shy, insecure, non-confrontational guy who's always ignored. You wish you were confident. You wish you could speak your mind and be respected. Yet, years go by and you're still that same guy. What's blocking that person?

Or let's imagine you're this responsible, dependable but ultimately boring guy who has no excitement in his life. You wish you could be more adventurous and spontaneous but your rational side can't let it happen. Why is it so hard to do something out of your character, even once?

Or let's imagine that you're stuck in your home town, living a satisfying (from the outside) life. Yet you feel dead inside. You wish you could change it and reinvent yourself. Why is it so difficult to leave the stuff that you hate anyway and do something new?

Why do we get stuck with the same unsatisfying job/business, relationship, place where we live, character, etc.?

Why do we feel this need to keep repeating the same behaviors, even if we're fully aware that we hate our life and want something else?

I know that for some roles there are physiological reasons as well. An obese person may have a f*cked up body that acts against them. Same for a smoker or a junkie.

But for most roles in our lives, there's no clear physical reason why we can't change them. So why is it so hard to do that?

I believe you have to feel comfortable breaking out of old patterns. I break out of stuff every year since I understand nothing stays the same long-term. Others may feel staying on the hamster wheel is more comfortable and wait for events to occur and smack them in the face. I suppose it just depends on the individual since life isn't really black and white. Staying in one place doesn't really require much growth, understanding, and evolution. It might feel comfortable and safe, but then long-term it might feel they've wasted their life not really doing anything at all that was of value.

It goes back to the growth mindset or the fixed mindset.

 

[Primeperiwinkle]

As I mentioned in my reply to Andy, I posted this thread because I've been thinking about this recently in general (why people pick certain roles and never change them).

On a more personal level, there are some aspects of my personality I want to change but that I don't really want to discuss on a public forum. The one I can share is that I'm a very non-confrontational person and it has landed me in trouble or generated a lot of frustration. Yet, I can't seem to change it. I find myself blocked when I try to be assertive.

So my answer would be why are you attached to (have respect for, are comfortable with) being peaceful more than being attached to speaking truth.

Is speaking truth pointless or less worthy than keeping a peaceful, albeit shallower, level of communication?