My family is toxic, what to do?

[Mr4213]

Recently I've provided as much value as I've been able to with this forum.

Today I would like to ask for some help myself.

I am living in an extremely toxic environment.

My entire family is toxic.

I accept responsibility and accountability for where and who I am in life today.

I made crappy decisions growing up and put myself in the situation of having to move back in with my family for now.

For that I accept responsibility and am making changes necessary to leave as soon as I am able to.

As it stands now though, I must endure some time here until I can move out.

I am extremely tough mentally and thus far have been able to avoid the mental strain that my family seeks to cause me on a daily basis.

In fact, the more successful I become they seem to target me more and more.

Just recently a family member of mine was high on drugs and almost killed me while I was on a jog (almost ran me over)

If I had not been paying attention and jumped out of the way, I would have been hit.

Not even 30 minutes later the same family member speeds past me again straight into a tree going about 50, I was the first responder on scene (was a medic in the military until I was honorably discharged)

The fact is I do not feel safe nor comfortable here and I have no where else to go for the moment.

I fill my time working to improve myself and learn new skills and also work at my job. But it's impossible to completely avoid them and the more I do avoid them, the more it seems to attract them to me in order to drag me down.

I'm drawing a loss as to what I should do to combat the situation.

It feels as if they try REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to drain my energy on a daily basis.

 

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[LightHouse]

Update

Got in contact with a good friend. He's offering me a place to stay and a job.

Super thankful. On my way to Lubbock.

How are things going for you now? Did you find a job or way to make some income?

 

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[LightHouse]

Funny thing. I wanted to start a thread like this, then cam across your thread and found myself.

I would spare the thread.

Well, I owe a lot to my parents. They sent me to private high school, helped me a lot with language courses and my studies. They never pushed religion on me. They gave me shelter and food in good quality. I am all thankful for these material things.

But my father always has anger issues and has never ever apologised to me. Even once. I am 31 and I have never heard my dad saying "sorry" for once, even half-heartedly.

He treats his friends better than me and my mom. He can yell at us for any petty thing and not apologize or even discuss something that hurt us in a civilized manner. He starts getting angry.

I feel extremely humiliated. In fact, I always felt like this, that is why I was bullied in school for being a smart but emotionally disabled kid because of my parents' unfair treatment. I never had luck with girls. Because I never stood up for myself.

You cannot stand up against your parents, when you are 14, when they try to corner you for every petty thing you do not do their way because they hate their life. Your existence as a child depend on them, and if they abuse their power on you, if they make you their emotional sandbag to punch, you cannot stand up against that.

I cannot change past, but I can change the current moment. I went to my home country to spend Christmas with my parents. In the middle of this pandemic mess. And same thing happened.

Result: I changed my flight and returned back asap, I am continuing my life and my contact with my father is reduced to a practical zero. We have some inheritance and I borrowed him some money to renovate the flats, but that is the only subject I would talk with him.

Two days ago, he became 64. I didnt call. My mother has a similar stance. I cannot give less shit really. He is not going to keep my inner child as hostage every time he oversteps my boundaries.

Sitting down and saying "hey kid, the day back, I lost myself and hurt you, I am sorry" or at least "hey, I dont like this situation, lets sit down and discuss" is not that difficult to say.

So my recommendation is, just f*ck it. People need to behave and to have the comfort of a family, there is a responsibility you have to take on. If you did your part (which you did, as far as you say), just drop him, move out and stand on your two feet.

I cannot say enough, how much I feel grateful that I got out of that circus theater called my "parents' flat" around 10 years ago. I have a stupid dayjob, yes, but at least I am not dependent on his shelter and he cannot abuse me even further without paying any price.

Reading you guys' comments have strengthened me. Thank you very much.

I am sorry to hear your situation wasn't what you expected in life. Family issues are definitely tough.

I do think it's valuable that your response is in its own thread and has its own visibility because there are likely many people reading that have similar situations and can identify with you.

My question for you also, what happens if your father never apologizes, and how long do you wait for that?

What seems easy to you (him saying sorry) may not be as easy for him... and the reason why that is may be unknown and involve his upbringing. I am not digging in assuming I know what's going on there but putting that idea out there may help you evolve as a person, heal on your own terms, and become less of a factor holding you back in life if you are open to working through it.

 

[ygtrhos]

I am sorry to hear your situation wasn't what you expected in life. Family issues are definitely tough.

I do think it's valuable that your response is in its own thread and has its own visibility because there are likely many people reading that have similar situations and can identify with you.

My question for you also, what happens if your father never apologizes, and how long do you wait for that?

What seems easy to you (him saying sorry) may not be as easy for him... and the reason why that is may be unknown and involve his upbringing. I am not digging in assuming I know what's going on there but putting that idea out there may help you evolve as a person, heal on your own terms, and become less of a factor holding you back in life if you are open to working through it.

I think you got my point wrong.

I am not seeking for a reconciliation with him. I would be pleased if we have friendly terms again, but I do not depend on it.

What I value, is my boundary: I am not going to tolerate anyone's shitty behavior, even my very own father's. And I would rather live in solitude, than in shitty company. I can survive without my father, but not without my dignity.

So if he never apologizes, that is his point. I actually do not care if he apologizes or not. This is not a question of pride. He does not give any trust that any incident like this would not occur again.

Apologizing would show me that he swallowed his pride and is ready to respect my boundaries. That would create that trust.

 

[xy2_]

Update

Got in contact with a good friend. He's offering me a place to stay and a job.

Super thankful. On my way to Lubbock.

How is your situation now?

 

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[Mr4213]

How are things going for you now? Did you find a job or way to make some income?

Sorry for the incredibly late reply.

My brother died last week from an OD.

Currently I'm in the Houston area living out of my car. Not ideal... but not that bad either.

Got a great job as a ranch hand making $15/hr.

I'm gonna make it, but it'll take time to climb out of my hole and save up.

I've just been working and staying involved with my church.

Working to heal myself.

 

[Andy Black]

Sorry for the incredibly late reply.

My brother died last week from an OD.

Currently I'm in the Houston area living out of my car. Not ideal... but not that bad either.

Got a great job as a ranch hand making $15/hr.

I'm gonna make it, but it'll take time to climb out of my hole and save up.

I've just been working and staying involved with my church.

Working to heal myself.

Oh no. So sorry to hear that about your brother.

It will take time. Look out for yourself.

 

[Mr4213]

Oh no. So sorry to hear that about your brother.

It will take time. Look out for yourself.

Yeah it's unfortunate. He was only 26.

It's been rough and I'm tired.

 

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[Bekit]

Sorry for the very long response time.

My brother died last week from an OD.

I am in the Houston area now, living out of my car.

Got a great job at a ranch making $15/hour.

Starting from scratch and climbing out of my hole.

I'm gonna make it, but it'll take some time.

Sorry for the incredibly late reply.

My brother died last week from an OD.

Currently I'm in the Houston area living out of my car. Not ideal... but not that bad either.

Got a great job as a ranch hand making $15/hr.

I'm gonna make it, but it'll take time to climb out of my hole and save up.

I've just been working and staying involved with my church.

Working to heal myself.

I'll so sorry to hear about your brother. I can't imagine how much that must hurt. #hug

I'm glad you got a job at a ranch. There's something about working your body physically that helps with mental health.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Rooting for you!

 

[Mr4213]

I appreciate all of the support from this forum over the years. It's been a rough ride but I'm still extremely motivated and grateful for my life. It's a blessing. God is good.

At this point

I found an apartment parking lot spot that I park in every night and I sleep there. It's 10 minutes from where I work.

I paid $40/month for a gym membership. I work out there every day now and use it for showers. It's about 15 minutes from the apartment lot spot.

There is a laundry place down the road which I'm going to start using for laundry.

I work 8-4 Mon - Fri. The owner is a great man. I've already learned a lot from him in a short amount of time. I spend my days outside on over 1000 acres of land and it's beautiful.

I go to church on Wednesday, Thursday, and twice on Sunday.

I've been working to surround myself with good people and I'm starting to get a good support system here. The community here has been amazing and I'm blessed to be apart of it.

I have my phone for internet and I like to watch some comedy at night to keep morale up. I've been reading more also and spending time in my bible.

It's a rough time in my life, but ironically I feel very good and motivated. I've got some really big obstacles in front of me and I get a little down at times like everyone...but overall I'm pushing through pretty good.

If anything, I can say that I am quite literally starting from the bottom and building a solid foundation. I'm proud of that.

I consider it all a blessing. I am blessed that I even have a car (imagine being homeless without a car) it only has three payments left.

I get to sleep warm (maybe a little uncomfortable) at night and feel more or less safe.

It's been a time of great growth. I'm really starting to get to core issues I've had and resolving them. I'm going to a group on Thursdays and talking about my feelings and stuff... I'm getting better at leaving the past in the past and kicking negative habits from my life.

A good benefit is that I'm in a completely new environment that pretty much forces growth which is good. The environment works with me in that sense. The people I'm surrounding myself with also have high standards which further reinforces my desire to seek higher standards and to kick bad habits.

I'm working to utilize my available resources and time more effectively. I'm working on a schedule to maximize effeciency and free up my thinking for bigger/next steps. One of the immediate goals is to create a consistent routine and make it into a habit as quickly as possible. Trying to fill any blocks of free time with productive activities. Also about to create a budget and saving plan.

I am very process driven and love creating processes and systems. So I'm going into this entire situation with that mindset. I want to get a system for each day and just do the same thing every single day and slowly build it up. I want to be at the point where I never have to think about what I am doing or going to be doing on any given day because it's already decided. That should free up more mental space and time.

Obviously the next step after the immediate issues are taken care of, is getting housing. The time frame on that is gonna depend on a few different variables. Hopefully soon, but could be a few months. Also, not having to pay rent is pretty nice. That's a big chunk of money freed up for me to save. Might be better to save over a few months before signing anything.

I don't want to make it sound like something anyone would ever wish to do. But honestly, overall I don't think it's too bad. I've slept in worse situations with the military. I stay pretty busy and have been working to be in my car as little as possible.

If anyone ever reads this and is going through a difficult time...I get it.

But there are people who care. You need to reach out, get involved with the community. Don't let the circumstances get to you. Don't dwell in your head all day. It's temporary and you have the ability to get through it.

I am facing seemingly insurmountable circumstances (many of which I haven't even mentioned) and I've had multiple traumatic experiences. But I AM OVERCOMING them through God's grace. And I'd be willing to bet there are many people that have overcome far worse than me. You can be anything you want to be. Take control. Live your life. It's a gift.

It's your book and you get to write it. But you gotta make the choice to write it. Take your experiences, the good and the bad, and use the lessons from them to improve your life. I wouldn't change a thing about my life. I cherish all of my experiences, the good and the bad. They all have a purpose. Don't just be someone that is alive, live your life. There is a difference. God is good. I personally recommend going to Church as well.