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My family is toxic, what to do?

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Mr4213

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Recently I've provided as much value as I've been able to with this forum.

Today I would like to ask for some help myself.

I am living in an extremely toxic environment.

My entire family is toxic.

I accept responsibility and accountability for where and who I am in life today.

I made crappy decisions growing up and put myself in the situation of having to move back in with my family for now.

For that I accept responsibility and am making changes necessary to leave as soon as I am able to.

As it stands now though, I must endure some time here until I can move out.

I am extremely tough mentally and thus far have been able to avoid the mental strain that my family seeks to cause me on a daily basis.

In fact, the more successful I become they seem to target me more and more.

Just recently a family member of mine was high on drugs and almost killed me while I was on a jog (almost ran me over)

If I had not been paying attention and jumped out of the way, I would have been hit.

Not even 30 minutes later the same family member speeds past me again straight into a tree going about 50, I was the first responder on scene (was a medic in the military until I was honorably discharged)

The fact is I do not feel safe nor comfortable here and I have no where else to go for the moment.

I fill my time working to improve myself and learn new skills and also work at my job. But it's impossible to completely avoid them and the more I do avoid them, the more it seems to attract them to me in order to drag me down.

I'm drawing a loss as to what I should do to combat the situation.

It feels as if they try REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to drain my energy on a daily basis.
 

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LightHouse

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Update

Got in contact with a good friend. He's offering me a place to stay and a job.

Super thankful. On my way to Lubbock.

How are things going for you now? Did you find a job or way to make some income?
 

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LightHouse

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Funny thing. I wanted to start a thread like this, then cam across your thread and found myself.

I would spare the thread.

Well, I owe a lot to my parents. They sent me to private high school, helped me a lot with language courses and my studies. They never pushed religion on me. They gave me shelter and food in good quality. I am all thankful for these material things.

But my father always has anger issues and has never ever apologised to me. Even once. I am 31 and I have never heard my dad saying "sorry" for once, even half-heartedly.

He treats his friends better than me and my mom. He can yell at us for any petty thing and not apologize or even discuss something that hurt us in a civilized manner. He starts getting angry.

I feel extremely humiliated. In fact, I always felt like this, that is why I was bullied in school for being a smart but emotionally disabled kid because of my parents' unfair treatment. I never had luck with girls. Because I never stood up for myself.

You cannot stand up against your parents, when you are 14, when they try to corner you for every petty thing you do not do their way because they hate their life. Your existence as a child depend on them, and if they abuse their power on you, if they make you their emotional sandbag to punch, you cannot stand up against that.

I cannot change past, but I can change the current moment. I went to my home country to spend Christmas with my parents. In the middle of this pandemic mess. And same thing happened.

Result: I changed my flight and returned back asap, I am continuing my life and my contact with my father is reduced to a practical zero. We have some inheritance and I borrowed him some money to renovate the flats, but that is the only subject I would talk with him.

Two days ago, he became 64. I didnt call. My mother has a similar stance. I cannot give less shit really. He is not going to keep my inner child as hostage every time he oversteps my boundaries.

Sitting down and saying "hey kid, the day back, I lost myself and hurt you, I am sorry" or at least "hey, I dont like this situation, lets sit down and discuss" is not that difficult to say.

So my recommendation is, just f*ck it. People need to behave and to have the comfort of a family, there is a responsibility you have to take on. If you did your part (which you did, as far as you say), just drop him, move out and stand on your two feet.

I cannot say enough, how much I feel grateful that I got out of that circus theater called my "parents' flat" around 10 years ago. I have a stupid dayjob, yes, but at least I am not dependent on his shelter and he cannot abuse me even further without paying any price.

Reading you guys' comments have strengthened me. Thank you very much.


I am sorry to hear your situation wasn't what you expected in life. Family issues are definitely tough.

I do think it's valuable that your response is in its own thread and has its own visibility because there are likely many people reading that have similar situations and can identify with you.

My question for you also, what happens if your father never apologizes, and how long do you wait for that?

What seems easy to you (him saying sorry) may not be as easy for him... and the reason why that is may be unknown and involve his upbringing. I am not digging in assuming I know what's going on there but putting that idea out there may help you evolve as a person, heal on your own terms, and become less of a factor holding you back in life if you are open to working through it.
 

ygtrhos

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I am sorry to hear your situation wasn't what you expected in life. Family issues are definitely tough.

I do think it's valuable that your response is in its own thread and has its own visibility because there are likely many people reading that have similar situations and can identify with you.

My question for you also, what happens if your father never apologizes, and how long do you wait for that?

What seems easy to you (him saying sorry) may not be as easy for him... and the reason why that is may be unknown and involve his upbringing. I am not digging in assuming I know what's going on there but putting that idea out there may help you evolve as a person, heal on your own terms, and become less of a factor holding you back in life if you are open to working through it.
I think you got my point wrong. :)

I am not seeking for a reconciliation with him. I would be pleased if we have friendly terms again, but I do not depend on it.

What I value, is my boundary: I am not going to tolerate anyone's shitty behavior, even my very own father's. And I would rather live in solitude, than in shitty company. I can survive without my father, but not without my dignity.

So if he never apologizes, that is his point. I actually do not care if he apologizes or not. This is not a question of pride. He does not give any trust that any incident like this would not occur again.

Apologizing would show me that he swallowed his pride and is ready to respect my boundaries. That would create that trust.
 
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