Jokes

[Jill]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I had little else to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a$$ and a car hit us both."

 

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[Bobo]

I have to live with that

 

[Jill]

Did you know that PMS is mentioned in the Bible? Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's a$$ all the way to Egypt."

 

[andviv]

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
I asked.
'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

 

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[andviv]

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

 

[Russ H]

My favorite husband/wife listening joke:

Old guy thinks his wife is getting hard of hearing. He sees her sitting there one day, and goes about 20' behind her (so she can't see him) and asks, "Can you hear me sweetheart"?.

No reply.

Moves to 10' and inquires again. No reply.

5' and not a word.

A few inches behind ear, he asks "Can you hear me now honey"?

His wife turns around and says, "For the fourth time, yes."

 

[MJ DeMarco]

For The Teachers ... A Teaching Candidate getting hired ...

"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.

My contract requires me to work on my own time after school and evenings grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Master's degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration.

You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the state mandatory exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

 

[^eagle^]

Speeding In Michigan

GOOD

A Lansing,Mi.. policemanhad a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't gettingmany. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of hiscar speeding through an automated radar post in Grand Rapids ,Mi. A $40 speedingticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with anothermailed photo of handcuffs..

BEST

A Young woman was pulled over fo r speeding. A Michigan State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the StateTrooper's Ball. 'He replied, ' Michigan State Troopers don' t have balls.' There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left..

 

[Russ H]

OMG-- I thought the first one ("GOOD") was a GREAT story . . .

until I got to the last one! :smilielol:

-Russ H.

 

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[^eagle^]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZA1NoOOoaNw]YouTube - Crazy Indian Video... Buffalaxed![/ame]

Rated R

 

[Russ H]

WOW!

That was great, Eagle. I love Indian music videos-- lots of fun and great dancing moves (different, but fun).

Lead (guy) singer kinda looks like a cross between George Michael and that guy from the Mod Squad . . .

Subtitles were hilarious!

-Russ H.

 

[randallg99]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, 'she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - ..
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

 

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[Bobo]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.



So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'


Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.


God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman.



He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,


and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you



She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,


and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.


She will praise you!



She will bear your children.



and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.



'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and


passion whenever you need it.'



Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'


'An arm and a leg.'


Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib

Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!

 

[kurtyordy]

Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day,

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

 

[Matthew B]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the captain spoke over the tannoy:

"Ladies and gentlemen, i'm afraid we've lost the power in 3 of our 4 engines, and we're going to have to make an emergency landing"

Hearing this, one of the women passengers gets panicy and screams out:

"We're all going to die! Before I go, who wants to make me feel like a real woman??"

This cheers up one of the male passengers, so he starts taking off his clothes and says "Here, iron these".

 

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[Russ H]

Airplane is reducing altitude to come in for a landing.

Pilot gets on the PA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We're reducing our alitude to 15,000 feet in preparation for landing. Please see that your tray tables are up and your seats are in their upright position with your seatbelts fastened."

Pilot then hangs up the mike, but accidently leaves the PA button on.

So the entire plane hears the pilot as he stretches, lets out a big groan, and says, "Man, I can't wait until we land. I'm gonna get a blow job from that cute little blond."

The entire cabin notices as a cute little blond flight attendant runs through the aisles, towards the cockpit.

"No need to hurry, honey", yells an old lady sitting on the aisle, "He doesn't want one until he lands the plane!"



-Russ H.

 

[slim_jim]

Re: Name some $500k Professions?

keep in mind that most of these are not average income, but potential income.

Slightly risque.... excuse me ladies. Don't mean to offend anyone.​

Potential vs Reality

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."

 

[MJ DeMarco]

As an Italian, and raised Catholic, I found this hilarious!!



A boy enters the confessional at the local Catholic church.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Fran Rubino?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Erin Calabrese?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Faneli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Tonia Russo?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Suzanna Pomilia, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Jimmy slides over and whispers, "'What'd you get?"
Joey replies, "Four months vacation and five good leads."

 

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[slim_jim]

LOL, Joey was thinking outside the box, the fastlane.....

Very good MJ.

 

[JayKim]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Russ H]

As a blond, and a former 'Porch' owner, that one made my day. :smilielol:

-Russ H.

 

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[PaulRobert]

Let's finish off this Sunday on a funny note or two-

Corporate lingo list

Here’s a little clarification of corporate lingo.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you+-

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:

We have no quality control.


APPLY IN PERSON:

If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:

You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:

I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:

I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:

I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:

I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:

I’m never at my desk.

____________________________________________________________________________________________


Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

[NoMoneyDown]

So, a man walks into a bar with his dog. He walks up to the bartender and tells him the dog can talk. Thinking the guy is nuts, the bartender says "Yeah, right! Show me."

So, the man turns to the dog and asks him, "Where did Uncle Joe fall off from the other day?" And the dog answers "roof".

The man then asks the dog, "Which sandpaper is better for removing paint?" And the dog answers "rough".

He can see the bartender isn't buying it, so he asks the dog one more question, "Who was the best baseball player to ever play the game?" And the dog answers "ruth".

Having had enough, the bartender kicks the man and the dog out to the curb.

The dog then turns to the man and says, "You think I should have said Gherig?"

 

[MJ DeMarco]

30K Millionaires ...


Note: RATED R FOR LANGUAGE

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZgg5Kj6mK0&feature=player_embedded]YouTube - $30k Millionaire "The Song"[/ame]

 

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[randallg99]

A guy walked into the local welfare office
To pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter
And said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE
Drawing welfare. I'd really rather have
a job.'

The social worker behind the counter
Said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just
Got a job opening from a very wealthy
Old man who wants a chauffeur and
Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008
Mercedes CL, and he will supply all of
Your clothes. Because of the long hours
Meals will be provided. You'll also be
Expected to escort the daughter on her
Overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you
Will also have as part of your job
Assignment to satisfy her sexual urges
As the daughter is in her mid-20's and
Has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment
With plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
Located above the garage will be
Designated for your sole use and
The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
' You're bullshittin' me!'




The social worker said, ' Yeah, well,
You started it.'

 

[MBinMT]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Technical Support Group,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:

NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

------------ ------


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta..

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.


I definitely am lobbying my wife for the memory and performance upgrades!

 

[JayKim]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWu5aQiSwFA]YouTube - Kyle Dunnigan - "Oh Yeah" bit[/ame]

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGXFKuky-ak&feature=player_embedded]YouTube - Terrifying Sniper Prank on Japanese TV[/ame]

 

[^eagle^]

THE THREE NUNS ​

​

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME.. ​

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND.. ​

BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.. ​

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH.. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.." ​

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA.. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.." ​

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO.. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.." ​

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, ​

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!" ​

​