Jokes

[Guest3722A]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It was trying to get a signal on it's iPhone 4

 

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[Guest3722A]

Give a dog a bone, and it'll have fun for a week.

Teach a dog to bone....

c'mon laugh! that was funny and you know it!

 

[Guest3722A]

A car hits a Goldman Sachs trader. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?†The guy says: “I make a good living.â€

 

[Desert_NM]

So a guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!" :smilielol:

 

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[Guest3722A]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life… A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral… I’m a gynecologist.

The proctologist fainted.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

20 or Life

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,

















"I would have gotten out today".

 

[kwerner]

NSFW - Language

YouTube - Duck Face (ORIGINAL) Song ! (stupid F*cking duck face)

 

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[andviv]

Cyanide & Happiness #2121 - Explosm.net

 

[Guest3722A]

A wealthy man parked his brand new Porche in front of his yacht club, ready to show it off to his friends.

Just as he got out of the car, an truck passed too close and ripped the door off

When the police arrive the man does nothing except scream hysterically about how he just bought his car just a day earlier, and now it was totally ruined.

When he finally calmed down from his ranting, the cop said: "I can't believe how materialistic you are! Don't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh my God!" screamed the man. "Where's my Rolex?"

 

[Guest3722A]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.



The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have long complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

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[Anon3587x]

 

[Guest3722A]

I bought my son a booster seat for the car.

no idea where he landed but it works great.

 

[Jill]

I've seen this one around for a while, but it always make me giggle...

 

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[Russ H]

Jill-

Yeah, reminds me of this:

What a woman says, what she really means…

I need = I want
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain （Anyone who has seen the movie, Breakin’ All the Rules（Jamie Foxx , 2004）must remember We need to talk = Break up）
Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I don't want to look at my body right now
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper…
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really going to hate
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
（This usually means you have to wait longer enough, so be patient）
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is important!

* * * * * * * * * *

What a man says, what he really means…

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Whoa, look at that cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = 50 bucks and it doesn’t even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Jeeze Louise, pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go!

 

[Guest3722A]

Beth and her friends are out clubbing one Friday night when she meets a handsome guy by the bar. They talk, connect, and end up leaving together. When they get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment.

One odd thing she notices is that an entire wall of his bedroom is devoted to a collection of stuffed toys arranged on shelves. The bottom shelf contains lots of small stuffed animals. The next shelf up contains slightly larger ones, and so on, all the way up to the top shelf, which contains gigantic teddy bears.

Beth is a little surprised that a man would have such a sizable collection of stuffed animals but she decides not to be judgemental. In reality, she is actually impressed that he is willing to show his sensitive side to someone he just met.

One thing leads to another and before long they are making love.

The next morning, after a night of intense passion, she wakes up next to him. As she notices him waking up also, she rolls over and asks, smiling, "was it good for you, too?" The man shrugs and tells her she can have any prize she likes from the bottom shelf.

 

[DreamPursuit]

How about some Chinese phrase translations?

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse :beatdeadhorse5:

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

Truly a Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.":smxD:

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!"issed::smilielol:

 

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[Anon3587x]

watch this video

[deleted video]

and then watch this video after haha

[deleted video]

 

[Guest3722A]

Tiger Woods Golf!

Tiger's Transgressions | Animation | Atom

 

[Guest3722A]

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.



The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."



The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168."





The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.







The guy leaves, but he is curious... So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini."





Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.





The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time..

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.





The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50.."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

 

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[NoMoneyDown]

Mary is getting ready to go out for the evening.

She puts on her fake eyelashes.

She puts on her hair extensions.

She puts on her lift-up bra over her silicon breast implants.

She puts on her shape-sculpturing girdle.

She puts on her makeup.

And, as she is putting on her fake nails, her room mate, Liz, walks into their apartment.

Liz: "Hi Mary. Where are you going this evening?"

Mary: "I'm going out to find a REAL man."

 

[Rem]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,†he says. “They're all at the funeral."

:smilielol::smilielol:

 

[Russ H]

Mary is getting ready to go out for the evening.

She puts on her fake eyelashes.

She puts on her hair extensions.

She puts on her lift-up bra over her silicon breast implants.

She puts on her shape-sculpturing girdle.

She puts on her makeup.

And, as she is putting on her fake nails, her room mate, Liz, walks into their apartment.

Liz: "Hi Mary. Where are you going this evening?"

Mary: "I'm going out to find a REAL man."

Good news is, she'll prolly be attracted to this guy:

He'll drive up in his BMW 3 series (leased)

Will it have spinners?

He'll be flashing some fake bling, in his ear, around his neck.

Wearing whatever fly stuff the playa's are wearing (purchased on his credit card)

He'll offer to buy her a bottle of Dom (or Crystal), and again put it on his card.

They'll go to a hotel suite and live it up.

Maybe she'll even get preggers.

That's when she'll find out

He works at 7-11

And lives with his mom.

* * * * * * * *

Didn't Darwin write about this stuff? :smx4:

-Russ H.

 

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[Guest3722A]

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?


A drummer





How do you get the drummer off of your porch?


Pay him for the pizza

 

[Guest3722A]

Sham Wow guy in jail:

YouTube - ‪ShamWow Guy in Jail‬‎

 

[Anon3587x]

Here is a joke

The shamwow guy almost went to jail for beating up a hooker who bit his tongue and wouldn't let go.

LOL LOL LOL

 

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[DreamPursuit]

Here is a joke

The shamwow guy almost went to jail for beating up a hooker who bit his tongue and wouldn't let go.

LOL LOL LOL

This is what came to mind after reading you post. Introducing the ShamHo! lol

YouTube - ‪Sham Wow Guy New Commercial: The ShamHo!‬‎

 

[Anon3587x]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKt0TcA7aUs

 

[JayKim]

A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."

"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.

"A billionaire."

 

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[Guest3722A]

A blind man is at the opticians with his guide dog. Both are facing the eye test chart on the wall.

The optician takes the guide dog away , and replaces it with another guide dog, and asks,

"Is that better or worse?"

 

[Guest3722A]

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."

The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby." Mom says, "He's a martyr now."

Oh, so sad, my dear."

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.

"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18." the mom whispers.

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"