Jokes

[marktech101]

Follow up to jizz in my pants!!!

YouTube - I'm On A Boat (ft. T-Pain) - Album Version

LOL. I just bought the whole album (and I don't even usually buy music...lol). Just in case you guys don't know, I'm pretty sure he's making fun of the I'm So Paid music video by Akon.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[MJ DeMarco]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOMpWxxv4Z0]YouTube - Skrivena kamera-Kostur na motoru[/ame]

 

[hakrjak]

Have you guys seen this one yet? My Dick in a Box, but with puppets... bahaha

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHyv4b4p-Mw]YouTube - Puppet Dick in a Box *uncensored*[/ame]

 

[MJ DeMarco]

COUGAR BARBIE

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjDmCEJokZs]YouTube - Cougar Barbie[/ame]

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Deege]

Heres a bunch of funny one liners.

I got a postcard from my friend George with a picture of the entire
earth. On the back he wrote, "Wish you were here!"

Went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the Deli. Sold 'em a 3 for
28 bucks.

Once I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

I like to bring a flash light to the movies and just have all the rows
move down for no reason.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house.

I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to
buy them again. What do batteries run on?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Why is it a penny for your thought, but you have to put your 2 cents
in? Somebody's makin' a penny.

I like to tease my plants when I water them. I like to water them
with ice cubes.

I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a
megaphone.

Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window and smile
for a satellite picture.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.

I went to a museum that had all the heads and arms from the statues
in all the other museums.

Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I
came back the whole entire area was gone.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you
couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

Years ago, I used to work in an organic health food store in Seattle,
Washington and a man walked in and asked "If I melt dry ice, can I
swim without getting wet?"

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth
certificate had an expiration date on it.

Sometimes you can't hear me, because sometimes I am in parenthesis.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the
language. You put the album on, you put the headphones on, you learn
the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped.
I got up the next day, now I can only stutter in Spanish.

I lost a button hole.

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full
house and 4 people died.

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at
the door for 200 miles.

I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and
someone calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I like to leave messages before the beep.

I have a map of the U.S. that's actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile.

I walked up to this girl in a bar and asked "Do you live around here
often?"

You know when your sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're on
just 2 legs and you almost fall over and at the last second you catch
yourself? I feel like that all the time.

I broke a mirror in my house and I am supposed to get 7 years bad
luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

I finally went to the eye doctor and got contacts, but I only need
them when I read so I got flipups.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and
replaced with an exact replica.

I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The
only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing
60 mph.

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was walking
from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit
down.

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember
one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go
swimming until I came back.

In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It
goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the
bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I
don't get caught.

I was walking my dog around the building...on the ledge.

I had a 3-year old puppy and I named him "Stay". He was really
confused, I used to say, "Come here, Stay", "Come here, Stay".

One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well and I replied "No,
I made a few mistakes."

When I was little, in my backyard we had a quicksand box. I was an
only child...eventually.

One time the police stopped for speeding and said "Don't you know the
speed limit is only 55 miles an hour?" I said, "I know, but I wasn't
going to be be out that long."

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because
that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I like to fill my tub up with water, turn the shower on and pretend
like I am in a submarine that has been hit.

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it
will be up all night.

When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm
leaving.

I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said:
Day 1: Still tired from the move.
Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.

Last time I went skiing I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I
knew I couldn't do that so I slept with my skis on. When my ride came
for me at 5:30 he couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house
and strapped my skis to the roof of the car and drove right to the
mountain. Seventeen (17) miles later I woke up and had a bizarre
dream I was ski diving horizontally.

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

This morning I couldn't find my socks, so I called information.

I'm tired of calling up the movies and getting the message on what's
playing so I bought the album.

Last time I was at the movies, I was thrown out for bringing my own
food. My argument was the concession stand prices were outrageous.
Besides I hadn't had a BBQ in a long time.

I went to the cienama. Adults for $5 and children $2.50. I said,
"All right give me 2 boys and a girl."

One time I went to a drive-in, in a cab. The movie cost me $95.

I went to a place to eat that said "Breakfast Anytime". So I ordered
french toast during the Rennaisance.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I
hit a book mark.

I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings. No paint, no
canvas. I just think about it.

I went to a museum where all the paintings were done by children. All
the paintings were up on refrigerators.

The ice-cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.

I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, "Is Joey there?" The
woman says "Yes." I said, "May I speak to him please?" She said, "No, he
can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, "All right, I'll wait."

If you were in your vehicle traveling the speed of light and you turn
your headlights on, what would they do?

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't
have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go
by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have
to fill in the rest.

I wrote a song, but I don't know how to read music, so I don't know
what it is.

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later
I can ask him what he meant.

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about
everything.

A while ago I had no electricity in my house. I had no lights, I
couldn't see what I was doing. Good thing my camera had a flash.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won't accidently walk
through another dimension.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and I almost went back in
time.

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out.
Now I can go 500 mph.

I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in. Now when I drive
at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.

I like my dental hygnetist. I think she is very pretty. So when I go
to have my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire
box of Oreo cookies.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on the
beaches all over the world.

I have 2 rare photographs. One is Houdini locking his keys in his
car. The other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I was in a book store and saw a french looking girl. She was
bi-illterate. She couldn't read in 2 languages.

I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay in front of the fire for the
evening in 8 minutes.

I like the Stones. I can't beleive they're still doing it afer all
these years...Fred & Barney.

I drove cross-country with a friend and we split the driving. We
switched every half mile.

I just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology, the study of
milkmen.

Some people think my friend George is weird because he has sideburns
behind his ears. I think he is weird because he has false teeth, but
he has braces on them.

Last time I went camping I accidently borrowed a circus tent.

My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge
you can't hear him talk.

My watch is 3 hours fast and I can't fix it. So I have to move to
Boston.

 

[andviv]

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch - and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.



Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.



The moral of the story............



Pay your bills.

 

[andviv]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[MJ DeMarco]

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....
__________________________________________________ ______

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....
__________________________________________________ _______

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And that's when the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “Oh my goodness!!! That must be my husband!”

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And that's when the fight started......

__________________________________________________ ____

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of ice cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the ice cream And that's when the fight started....
__________________________________________________ ___

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Well, at least your eyesight's near perfect.' And that's when the fight started......

__________________________________________________ ______

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...
__________________________________________________ ______

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's when the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ____

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...So, I took her to a gas station. And that's when the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ___

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale. And that's when the fight started...

__________________________________________________ __

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?

I said, 'Dust.' And that's when the fight started

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Why look "lower middle class?"

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOFoE3EzE-8]YouTube - How to make electric power windows[/ame]

 

[andviv]

MJ and Bob were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said MJ, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches", and walked away.

Bob shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Russ H]

Power windows reminded me of the all-wheel drive, 4-wheel steering spot . . .

-Russ H.

YouTube - Red Green Show - All Wheel Drive

 

[MonTexan]

A man bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I've got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I spent it already," replied the farmer.

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What're you gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" exclaimed the farmer.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked about what happened with the dead donkey. "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't no one complain?" asked the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Hey, what do you think about this whole 'mad cow disease' thing?

The other replies, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter!"

__________________________

What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?

She had mittens! :smilielol:

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[CardinalsFan]

not really a joke, just a story from spring break in panama:

one pretty girl told my buddy to stop talking to her because he was underage and wasn't going to buy her drinks all night...OUCH right? I heard the whole conversation so I walked up and said "hey! I'm Aaron, can I smell you feet?" She said "hell no!" and I replied "well it must be your breath then!" then we walked away to go dance with my girlfriend and her friends

 

[MJ DeMarco]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUM-mR_VbBA]YouTube - The Best News Bloopers on YouTube[/ame]

 

[CarrieW]

I dont know how true this stuff is but it sure is funny!

Proof That The World Is F@#$#d -Up

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers.
The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of
wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
0A
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of?)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[andviv]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here, friends:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men would like to think.

 

[andviv]

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

 

[andviv]

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[andviv]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

 

[yveskleinsky]

This kid cracks me up.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5n9YslsI4CU]YouTube - Dance moves that rock II.[/ame]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxfe8YTd6N4[/ame]

 

[Banthaman]

New Element Discovered!

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element
yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one
neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can
be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction
that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days
to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of
the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In
fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to
as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since
it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[MJ DeMarco]

How many will fall for it??

 

[LaughedAt]

WARNING: This joke is a bit NWS

A first-grade teacher, Ms SMITH (Age 28) was having trouble with one of
her students

The teacher asked,”Boy. what is your problem?”

Boy. answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade! .My sister is in
the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!”

Ms SMITH had enough. She took Boy. to the principal’s office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms SMITH he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Princi! pal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Boy.: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Boy.: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Boy.
can go to the third-grade.”

Ms SMITH says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?” The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms SMITH asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy., after a moment “Legs.”

Ms SMITH: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

Boy.: “Pockets.”

Ms SMITH: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,

oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms SMITH: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And

sticky? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could

stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms SMITH: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting

down and a dog does on three legs? The principal’s eyes open

really wide and before he could stop the answer…

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms SMITH: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms SMITH: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms SMITH: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re

bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was

looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms SMITH: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms SMITH: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms SMITH: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot
of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms SMITH: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if u don’t get
it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms SMITH: What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they’re married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Ms SMITH: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

“Send this Boy. to CAMBRIDGE University, I got the last ten questions
wrong myself!”

 

[yveskleinsky]

...And you thought you were having a bad day.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAsZ3PQoL5k]YouTube - My last day at Home Depot[/ame]

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[yveskleinsky]

"A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, getting a
little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a
body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his
surprise he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is
fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, the rectum
starts singing, "Hey Chicago what do you say... the Cubs are gonna" The
student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music
stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to
the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the
examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. "Hey Chicago what do you
say... the Cubs are gonna" So what? " the Medical Examiner replies,
obviously unimpressed with the students discovery. "But isn't that the most
amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. Are you kidding?"
replied the Examiner, "I've heard hundreds of assholes sing that stupid
song."

 

[andviv]

Differences Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

A friend who worked away from home all week always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some
bonding time. . .just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that
she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes,
Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single
a$$ hole, dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'

 

[andviv]

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[andviv]

A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

 

[andviv]

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.