How to become more charismatic?

[The Questioner]

Hi,

I am wondering how to become more charismatic and I hope you have some tips for me.

Is it enough to read a few books about it (How to win friends and influence people, The Charisma Myth) and practice the things they say?

Do these tips do any good at all or is it more about being successful and overcoming difficult challenges to become more charismatic?

It's not that I have social deficits or can't talk to people. I don't have any problems in that regard, but as so often in life, there is room for improvement which is why I ask.

Have you guys ever tried to become more charismatic? What are your experiences?

Thank you very much.

 

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[Robdavis]

Try "Charisma on Command" Youtube channel. They have a website as well.

https://www.youtube.com/@Charismaoncommand

Charisma on Command - Charisma On Command

Want To Know The 4 Emotions That Guarantee A Killer First Impression?

www.charismaoncommand.com

For clarity, I am in no way associated with "Charisma on Command".

I just think that they are good at what they do.

 

[Fox]

Hi,

I am wondering how to become more charismatic and I hope you have some tips for me.

Is it enough to read a few books about it (How to win friends and influence people, The Charisma Myth) and practice the things they say?

Do these tips do any good at all or is it more about being successful and overcoming difficult challenges to become more charismatic?

It's not that I have social deficits or can't talk to people. I don't have any problems in that regard, but as so often in life, there is room for improvement which is why I ask.

Have you guys ever tried to become more charismatic? What are your experiences?

Thank you very much.

- Do interesting things
- Be friendly and relaxed with people

Where people go wrong is they do the second without the first. They want to be "cool", when their life is boring and they don't really do anything.

Let's say you just got back from a month of cycling across Spain, and next week you are going to Fiji to big wave surf, and right now you are working on expanding your business to get it to the next level...

Suddenly you are "charismatic". People want to hang out with you and get to know you.

Reading all the books/watching all the videos are just tactics.
They will only go so far without actually doing anything cool.

----

Also this is where things can get "weird". Learning how Tom Cruise shakes someones hand is going to be a lot different to how you greet your local delivery guy. The context is 1,000 times different.

If you don't do interesting things + have an interesting life = huge cap on being "charismatic".
A lot of things can actually start to backfire, you are over playing your hand.

So, be careful with Youtube tutorials. They break down celebrities and the world's most famous people. BUT a lot of this stuff does not directly connect to a non-famous person. Again - just do interesting things, and be relaxed around people.

 

[Moxy404]

Hi,

I am wondering how to become more charismatic and I hope you have some tips for me.

Is it enough to read a few books about it (How to win friends and influence people, The Charisma Myth) and practice the things they say?

Do these tips do any good at all or is it more about being successful and overcoming difficult challenges to become more charismatic?

It's not that I have social deficits or can't talk to people. I don't have any problems in that regard, but as so often in life, there is room for improvement which is why I ask.

Have you guys ever tried to become more charismatic? What are your experiences?

Thank you very much.

I think the best way to improve your charisma is to go outside and talk to people. No matter how many books you read or videos you watch, you won't actually improve anything if you don't take action and put your knowledge into good use.

You won't get buff if all you do is watch fitness videos and research the most optimal way to train, but you will get buff if you go to the gym consistently and train hard.

Have you tried cold approaching? I've done it and it's really scary but I believe it can help a lot with charisma and general social skills.

 

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[Johnny boy]

No just reading books about that stuff will teach you how to become overly polite, weak, lame, and do nothing to improve charisma.

Be around incredibly charismatic people and pick up on their mannerisms.

I am a giant mix of hundreds of different mannerisms, speech patterns, lines and phrases, expressions, etc. and now I am charismatic.

Then, for conversations and interactions, have a point. That means for people you meet, ask yourself “what do I want this person to do?” “What do I want this person to think?” “What use is this person to me?”

People WANT you to act this way, because if you have no point, conversations are dry and stupid. If you’ve answered the question “what do I want this person to do?” Then it answers the question on where to steer the conversation: in a direction that will get you what you want.

That’s the bulk of it: two things. 1. Be around charismatic people and 2. “What do I want this person to do?”. Have a point.

Here’s how you get around more charismatic people.

List everyone you know.

Hangout with them, go down the list.

Spend enough time that you can get them to invite extended friends somewhere.

Now you’ve met multiple people for each friend.

Repeat.

Create a map of the connections.

If you go full autist on this and attack it strategically, you can have 100 friends and filter out all of the lame people. You can optimize for different social circle traits. You can prioritize meeting people who are good with women and like to party. Or people who have big businesses. Or people you think are intelligent and good for information.

Fundamental lessons for every man when it comes to communicating

1. Frame control
2. Frame control
3. Frame control

 

[heavy_industry]

• Max out confidence
• Max out ability to speak and verbal intelligence
• Go out and practice

You max out confidence by doing what @Fox said above. Absolutely golden advice.

You are unconsciously telling the story of your life every single time you interact with other people.

It doesn't matter what you're saying to them.

How you are saying it will tell them everything that happened to you in the last 5 years.

---

If you live an awesome life, everybody will be able to see this from 10 miles away, and they will also want to be part of your story.

If, on the contrary, your life sucks and you are a sinking ship, everyone will run away fearing that they might sink along with you.

"To those that have everything, MORE will be given.
From those that have nothing, everything will be taken away." - Matthew 25:29

 

[BizyDad]

I'll provide a different take from others.

I've lived what many here might consider a "boring" life. I am risk averse by nature. I chose family over experiences. Most of my life I did not have the money to do "epic $hit".

I'm as charismatic as any of them.

I wasn't always. I developed 2 (maybe 3) skills.

My "secret" is to take a real interest in others. I ask good questions which lead to good conversations. I'm not afraid to be confrontational but over time figured out to not be a jerk about it. I can have fascinating conversations with a homeless person, a drug addict, a holy roller, a random hottie, a professional athlete or a big boss CEO. If nothing else, learning to ask good questions and getting people talking about themselves is a great place to start developing charm.

Secondary to that is I learned how to tell a good story. Anyone can tell good stories about "interesting" or "epic" stuff. Try making people laugh with a story about sitting in an apartment. When you can find the interesting and the epic in the mundane, you will have a different level of ease about you and be able to project a different level of confidence.

(Making people laugh is the third skill. I don't think I'm all that funny in the classic sense, but I can get laughs with my stories.)

I'm not saying everyone else's advice is wrong or that I disagree. Their advice works. Especially if the type of charisma you are developing is status based.

But some people reading this might be working two jobs and barely making ends meet and not have the time or money to do interesting stuff or find interesting friends, and I know that person doesn't have to wait to develop charisma.

Be interested in others without being needy and people will find you interesting.

 

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[Matt Lee]

Have you guys ever tried to become more charismatic? What are your experiences?

I think 1 or 2 books are great. It teaches you that it's not so much about talking but more so about listening. Bragging vs providing value. Criticizing vs complimenting. Reacting vs leading the conversation etc... Just the foundation.

If you manage to read Machiavellian theme books all day(like The 48 Laws of Power), you might get in your head more than you would like. It might make you feel like some mastermind that can control others, but in reality, the only thing being trapped is your own mind.

I also second that you should have more things going on in your life. Some of the most charismatic I know are always joking and never take anything too seriously because they know they always got options. If someone gave them crap or an event is boring, they don't cry or complain. They just get up and leave. Because they don't take things too seriously, and everyone walks around with tight asses, they appear charismatic.

It's the difference between having 10 choices of food for dinner and taking your time to pick vs you have no option and all of a sudden some chicken breasts are opening on the table. One is fine dining and the other is pure desperation.

I think at the end of the day it comes down to knowing that you're a person capable of giving value and you have enough self-respect to not let anyone walk all over you. That means options+cool things going on in your life.

It's not so much what you do like the books or youtube tutorials tell you but who you are. You are at the party and everyone is just getting an invitation(if they're nice). You are the coolest guy in the room and you can always brighten anyone's day(if you decided to).

 

[machinistguy]

I'll provide a different take from others.

I've lived what many here might consider a "boring" life. I am risk averse by nature. I chose family over experiences. Most of my life I did not have the money to do "epic $hit".

I'm as charismatic as any of them.

I wasn't always. I developed 2 (maybe 3) skills.

My "secret" is to take a real interest in others. I ask good questions which lead to good conversations. I'm not afraid to be confrontational but over time figured out to not be a jerk about it. I can have fascinating conversations with a homeless person, a drug addict, a holy roller, a random hottie, a professional athlete or a big boss CEO. If nothing else, learning to ask good questions and getting people talking about themselves is a great place to start developing charm.

Secondary to that is I learned how to tell a good story. Anyone can tell good stories about "interesting" or "epic" stuff. Try making people laugh with a story about sitting in an apartment. When you can find the interesting and the epic in the mundane, you will have a different level of ease about you and be able to project a different level of confidence.

(Making people laugh is the third skill. I don't think I'm all that funny in the classic sense, but I can get laughs with my stories.)

I'm not saying everyone else's advice is wrong or that I disagree. Their advice works. Especially if the type of charisma you are developing is status based.

But some people reading this might be working two jobs and barely making ends meet and not have the time or money to do interesting stuff or find interesting friends, and I know that person doesn't have to wait to develop charisma.

Be interested in others without being needy and people will find you interesting.

I've always thought your socials skills are apparent in your posts. I know me, and many other Gen Z'ers on the platform whose social skills are their main bottle neck, would appreciate reading a few posts from you on the topic if you ever have the time!

 

[Andy Black]

"To be interesting, be interested."

It's easy to stand out when everyone is immersed in their phone or out for themselves.

 

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[Shono]

Try "Charisma on Command" Youtube channel. They have a website as well.

https://www.youtube.com/@Charismaoncommand

Charisma on Command - Charisma On Command

Want To Know The 4 Emotions That Guarantee A Killer First Impression?

www.charismaoncommand.com

For clarity, I am in no way associated with "Charisma on Command".

I just think that they are good at what they do.

I always found that guy the antithesis of charismatic and try hard. Charisma comes from not trying, being vulnerable and letting go. Memorizing a script or watching tutorials on how to be ‘charismatic’ will also make you tense and unnatural. It’s about becoming emotionally okay with yourself, not logically convincing oneself constantly.

 

[beres8011]

Hi,

I am wondering how to become more charismatic and I hope you have some tips for me.

Is it enough to read a few books about it (How to win friends and influence people, The Charisma Myth) and practice the things they say?

Do these tips do any good at all or is it more about being successful and overcoming difficult challenges to become more charismatic?

It's not that I have social deficits or can't talk to people. I don't have any problems in that regard, but as so often in life, there is room for improvement which is why I ask.

Have you guys ever tried to become more charismatic? What are your experiences?

Thank you very much.

Here is an idea that might work.... Take ballroom dancing lessons. You will meet many people and have to interact with them.

 

[The Questioner]

Wow, thanks for all the answers, these are super helpful tips from all of you. I really appreciate it.

 

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[The Questioner]

I'll provide a different take from others.

I've lived what many here might consider a "boring" life. I am risk averse by nature. I chose family over experiences. Most of my life I did not have the money to do "epic $hit".

I'm as charismatic as any of them.

I wasn't always. I developed 2 (maybe 3) skills.

My "secret" is to take a real interest in others. I ask good questions which lead to good conversations. I'm not afraid to be confrontational but over time figured out to not be a jerk about it. I can have fascinating conversations with a homeless person, a drug addict, a holy roller, a random hottie, a professional athlete or a big boss CEO. If nothing else, learning to ask good questions and getting people talking about themselves is a great place to start developing charm.

Secondary to that is I learned how to tell a good story. Anyone can tell good stories about "interesting" or "epic" stuff. Try making people laugh with a story about sitting in an apartment. When you can find the interesting and the epic in the mundane, you will have a different level of ease about you and be able to project a different level of confidence.

(Making people laugh is the third skill. I don't think I'm all that funny in the classic sense, but I can get laughs with my stories.)

I'm not saying everyone else's advice is wrong or that I disagree. Their advice works. Especially if the type of charisma you are developing is status based.

But some people reading this might be working two jobs and barely making ends meet and not have the time or money to do interesting stuff or find interesting friends, and I know that person doesn't have to wait to develop charisma.

Be interested in others without being needy and people will find you interesting.

You hit the nail on the head. I am currently not in the position to do a lot of interesting stuff (but I am working on it).

Could you maybe elaborate a little bit more on how to ask good questions and how to tell good stories?

Thanks a lot.

 

[Simon Angel]

You hit the nail on the head. I am currently not in the position to do a lot of interesting stuff (but I am working on it).

Could you maybe elaborate a little bit more on how to ask good questions and how to tell good stories?

Thanks a lot.

Talk about what you want to talk about (e.g., your hobby), but add some sugar to it for the people who aren't as emotionally invested in it as you are.

For example, imagine you're big on science or that you're Neil DeGrasse Tyson. You can talk in complicated scientific terms and use nerd jargon with your astrophysicist friends all day long, but when you've got an audience of people who are not at all scientifically inclined and just want a simplified, fun version – you'd bore them to death with technobabble.

So instead of going all "Hey guys, did you know NASA is working on truncating the ETA of the Alcubierre device by experimenting with gamma photon augmentation?" say:

"Yo, anyone here ever watch Star Trek? No?

You know how in sci-fi movies they jump from galaxy to galaxy in the blink of an eye with their spaceships?

That's called Warp Drive, y'know, cuz it bends the space-time between your spaceship and where you want to go.

Basically, It's like squishing a freakishly long bridge into a tiny one, going across it, and then releasing it to its full length again. Or something like that. Crazy shit.

Anyway, apparently this is actually possible, and NASA's working on creating it."

Now depending on how you carry yourself and your rapport (or lack of) with the group, there are a few scenarios:

A) The Tinfoil/Pothead scenario
- Dude!! Do you think they already have one and are just hiding it from the public?

B) The "Wow, that's crazy" scenario
- Wow, that's crazy. You always talk about weird but cool stuff.

C) The "Boring!" scenario
- Okay... who watched Big Brother last night? Man, I'd totally bone Jessica even though she really got on my nerves with that whole "pie" thing.

In other words, don't hide your true self, and DO talk about your passions and interests. But remember that socializing isn't a one-way street, so make your stories easy to digest and engaging for others.

And if people still don't appreciate your stories/communication style and think you suck (or simply can't relate to anything that comes out of your mouth), well, it could be that you're hanging out with the wrong crowd.

 

[WJK]

Hi,

I am wondering how to become more charismatic and I hope you have some tips for me.

Is it enough to read a few books about it (How to win friends and influence people, The Charisma Myth) and practice the things they say?

Do these tips do any good at all or is it more about being successful and overcoming difficult challenges to become more charismatic?

It's not that I have social deficits or can't talk to people. I don't have any problems in that regard, but as so often in life, there is room for improvement which is why I ask.

Have you guys ever tried to become more charismatic? What are your experiences?

Thank you very much.

Talk to everyone. Smile. Say hi.

Use your ears and mouth in the ratio that God gave them to you. Listen twice as much as you talk.

Remember that everyone's favorite subject is themselves. Ask them open-ended questions about themselves. When their faces light up and they start to talk, you've found their special subject. Ask further questions in that direction to keep them talking. Care about their answers. Listen with your whole being.

 

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