Everything I could ever want, yet still not happy!

[Kingsta]

Firstly, let me start of with...I'm not intending to sound arrogant in this post, its more I need help/advice from people who may have been in this situation and secondly if this is the wrong forum category I'm sorry but I felt Mindset was appropriate.

Background: I have had a real rollercoaster of a life. My younger brother was diagnosed with a life long illness at a young age which took all of us by surprise and changed our lives forever. Our parents got divorced a few years later (8-10 years, the divorce was a nasty one) and as a result my health took a serious decline (I'm still ill to this day, even the best antibiotic for my illness is now useless). At 17 I was broke, I flat out had nothing (no one in my life knows this), my parents had very little as well. I'd consider myself middle-class prior to this.

I am now 22 years old, finishing off university, and I'm struggling more than ever to keep it together. I've gone from being broke to now being able to buy anything I want but I keep coming back to the feeling of being empty and unhappy. I bought things (won't say what) that most people could only dream off, I have the ability to never work a 9 to 5 if I choose but for some reason it's never enough. I used to dream of owning certain things, when I got them...no emotional change. I didn't feel content, I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel like it made a single difference.

I always put conditions to my happiness like; If I make X million's ill be happy? It came but the happiness didn't.
If I buy X car I'll be happy! The car came, the happiness didn't.

Now I'm working to change my mindset but I'm struggling. My health is declining and now I've put a condition on my happiness that goes; If i'm healthy i'll be happy...I'm not sure I'll ever be healthy again BUT from experience I probably wont be any more happy even if I do become healthy.

My last resort is focusing on a positive outlook of life, regardless of whats going on/how I feel.
Only happy thoughts.

Does anyone have any suggestions/books for this? I prefer audiobooks!

I wanted to post this because I'm sure a lot of people are focusing on chasing money or some financial reward to bring them happiness. Believe me, it doesn't bring that much happiness if you sacrifice so much to get it and if you put conditions on your happiness you'll end up chasing it forever. Thankfully I'm only 22 so I'm trying to change...but I'm only just starting.

Sorry for the emotionalish post

If people are interested I'll keep updates.

 

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[LeftBench]

Hey brother. It sounds like you're dealing with a serious bout of depression. I would try exercise, maybe also picking up a hobby (a physical one, might I suggest Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu?).

Charity work might be great too. Helping others might be the thing that triggers happiness in your life.

It can't hurt to speak to a doctor as well. Not about your illness but about your depression.

Best of luck to you and congratulations on your financial success. I hope you are able to find peace and happiness!

 

[Kingsta]

Hey brother. It sounds like you're dealing with a serious bout of depression. I would try exercise, maybe also picking up a hobby (a physical one, might I suggest Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu?).

Charity work might be great too. Helping others might be the thing that triggers happiness in your life.

It can't hurt to speak to a doctor as well. Not about your illness but about your depression.

Best of luck to you and congratulations on your financial success. I hope you are able to find peace and happiness!

Thank you for the kind words. I will definitely take your advice on board and try to pick up a hobby. Charity work also seems like a good idea, something that would seem fulfilling as well.

Once again, thank you.

 

[Silverhawk851]

happens to alot of very driven people,

"when I get x, y will happen" is a very goal oriented style of thinking,
it means that some long range goal has to be achieved for you to be happy,
and must delay life and happiness until that goal is achieved

Yes it's motivating,
but in a very negative way. It is not the optimal way to survive,
you're literally killing yourself with stress, anxiety and the self-placed proverbial 'guilt guillotine" if you stray even a bit off track

I find what makes all the difference is changing your mindset from a
"Goal-oriented mindset" to a "process oriented mindset"

Meaning instead of focusing on long range conditions on your happiness based on circumstances out of your control,
better to base it on things you can control,
base it on your own thoughts and behaviors, regardless of outcome
and live in the present moment.

Emotions are a results of our thoughts which are under our control.

Also instead of focusing things and material goods to bring happiness,
focus on growth and becoming better.

Growth is the process of going through failure, and eventually succeeding.
To learn, to grow, to become better is where happiness lies.

Seems to me like you need a challenge that would give you some growth as a person,
I'd also recommend Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
teaches mental fortitude and is super fun

I highly recommend reading
1. The Obstacle Is The Way by Ryan Holiday
2. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (Translated by Gregory Hays if you want to actually understand what's being said Lol)

My 2c

 

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[Newpollz]

Firstly, let me start of with...I'm not intending to sound arrogant in this post, its more I need help/advice from people who may have been in this situation and secondly if this is the wrong forum category I'm sorry but I felt Mindset was appropriate.

Background: I have had a real rollercoaster of a life. My younger brother was diagnosed with a life long illness at a young age which took all of us by surprise and changed our lives forever. Our parents got divorced a few years later (8-10 years, the divorce was a nasty one) and as a result my health took a serious decline (I'm still ill to this day, even the best antibiotic for my illness is now useless). At 17 I was broke, I flat out had nothing (no one in my life knows this), my parents had very little as well. I'd consider myself middle-class prior to this.

I am now 22 years old, finishing off university, and I'm struggling more than ever to keep it together. I've gone from being broke to now being able to buy anything I want but I keep coming back to the feeling of being empty and unhappy. I bought things (won't say what) that most people could only dream off, I have the ability to never work a 9 to 5 if I choose but for some reason it's never enough. I used to dream of owning certain things, when I got them...no emotional change. I didn't feel content, I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel like it made a single difference.

I always put conditions to my happiness like; If I make X million's ill be happy? It came but the happiness didn't.
If I buy X car I'll be happy! The car came, the happiness didn't.

Now I'm working to change my mindset but I'm struggling. My health is declining and now I've put a condition on my happiness that goes; If i'm healthy i'll be happy...I'm not sure I'll ever be healthy again BUT from experience I probably wont be any more happy even if I do become healthy.

My last resort is focusing on a positive outlook of life, regardless of whats going on/how I feel.
Only happy thoughts.

Does anyone have any suggestions/books for this? I prefer audiobooks!

I wanted to post this because I'm sure a lot of people are focusing on chasing money or some financial reward to bring them happiness. Believe me, it doesn't bring that much happiness if you sacrifice so much to get it and if you put conditions on your happiness you'll end up chasing it forever. Thankfully I'm only 22 so I'm trying to change...but I'm only just starting.

Sorry for the emotionalish post

If people are interested I'll keep updates.

You gave your life a purpose (make money and be independent) and now that you have fulfilled it, your mind believes that you have no purpose anymore.

Your body is the expression of your mind. You feel like crap because your body is punishing you for some reason. The best thing you could do is fast for a full day. Don't eat anything, don't drink anything. The next morning drink a full glass of water.

Start from there.

 

[Newpollz]

 

[biophase]

Without giving you a long winded reply, the first thing that popped into my head was eat healthier and feel better. The second thing that popped into my head was to find a purpose helping others. If you have money now and no longer need to worry about it, start using it to do some good.

 

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[4x4ord]

I've been in your shoes. I was in my mid 20's, successful career, enough money to do what I wanted, house, cars ... everything I could have wanted, but very unhappy down deep.

I, somewhat by chance, ended up on week and a half long road trip ... by myself. I shocked myself because I was honestly afraid to be trapped in a car, with only myself and my thoughts for a week an a half! It turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life. I had no where I needed to be, no daily destination, no timeline, no expectations, no phone, no social media ... just me, my truck, some personal development audio books and whatever road I chose in front of me.

To say the least, it was life changing.

Just my thoughts. Good luck on finding your path. You will, don't worry.

 

[Red]

Without giving you a long winded reply, the first thing that popped into my head was eat healthier and feel better. The second thing that popped into my head was to find a purpose helping others. If you have money now and no longer need to worry about it, start using it to do some good.

Like @biophase said, happiness has many components & a roadblock in the mental, physical, emotional or spiritual can impede your overall sense of well-being and fulfillment -I know, I've completely been where you're sitting now: all the money I need, great friends, a supportive & loving partner, etc, etc... yet still coping with an oppressive sadness & hopelessness.

So you have to examine each in their own accord:

Physical: diet is huge here. If you're eating the standard American diet (think, traditional food pyramid) then this may be a factor.
Mental: thinking positive only gets you so far if you have chemical imbalances -food plays a big role in this as well
Emotional: You've been through some rough stuff growing up. Have you been able to express & process those emotions? (this was big factor for me, childhood trauma that was never acknowledged/addressed)
Spiritual: I am not religious. I don't even believe in god. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel we should treat each other well & love others as well as ourselves. It took me a LONG time to shake the religious guilt I was raised with... life is better for me without that. I believe that volunteering/spending time helping others falls under this (as well as the mental side... many of these overlap, as you can see).

I stated addressing one thing at a time in my journey: along the way I was on anti-depressants (didn't help), changed my diet to a non-inflammatory protocol (huge help here), went through metals chelation (think mercury, cadmium, uranium -yeah, getting that out of my system was a huge help), therapy, psychedelic therapy (holy shit, this helped big time) & improving my nutrition/gut absorption (also, huge help).

You may only have one facet out of whack that's impacting you. I had every single one askew. It's taken me a bit, but I finally feel balanced out. My sense of hopelessness & sadness has finally abated & it was worth the work of the past 5 years. You can do this. You already know that something is off & recognizing that there's a problem is the first step to solving it. Feel free to PM me any time, as I've been through the ringer with this stuff. I'll help out any way I can.

 

[Andy Black]

+1 on The Obstacle Is The Way.


These also sprung to mind:

1. www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/james-clear-is-awesome.52664
   
   
2. www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/clarity-of-purpose.63337
   
   
3. www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/ive-lost-my-identity-as-person-legendary-follows.63685 <-- I'm not saying this is you! ... just that the replies can help you.
   
   
4. www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/finding-your-focus.62137
   
   
5. A video that really blew me away last year was this one. Just look at the life in his eyes and hear the enthusiasm in his voice... he's over 70 I think, but totally motivated and fascinated by what he does. Here's the video.

 

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[Andy Black]

BOOM!

Paraphrasing:

What's does the world need the most?

Education (can) make you a knowledgeable idiot.

In 100 years, can you look back on what you did and be proud?

If you're 20, and *thinking*, you're already ahead of the game. Now just do a bit more of it (thinking about where you're going).

Don't just do the first compulsion that pops into your head (shiny object syndrome?)​

Pretty fastlane IMO...


And dang, he's funny to boot!

 

[RoadTrip]

First thing that popped into my mind is diet too. Facing some health issues myself so I know the importance of health on mental wellbeing.

If you haven't already, I suggest you to lookup the autoimmune diet. Many autoimmune diseases are believed to be originated from the gut. This diet tries to solve these issues. Depending on your type of health issues it may be worth looking up.

All the best!

 

[Kingsta]

Thanks for all the great responses and replies! I'm reading all the resources you guys have sent and will reply with questions/comments when I get a chance! The support has been fantastic!

This video was a great insight, I think I'll be doing this soon as I finish university! Taking sometime out to just think.

I definitely plan on looking into Brazillian Ju Jitsu, as it seems to be a popular one! With regards to my diet, it's already super strict due to my illness so I think this could hold some merit but unfortunately with my current condition I cannot change it, although its a really healthy diet anyways.

I, somewhat by chance, ended up on week and a half long road trip ... by myself. I shocked myself because I was honestly afraid to be trapped in a car, with only myself and my thoughts for a week an a half! It turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life. I had no where I needed to be, no daily destination, no timeline, no expectations, no phone, no social media ... just me, my truck, some personal development audio books and whatever road I chose in front of me.

This is something I would love to do and I will definitely do, I'm glad it helped you and I hope it will help me!

Thanks to everyone else that replied! All your thoughts are so valid and I'm working to changing my life around. Once my exams are done I plan on committing myself to more charity work and in general helping others.

@Red Thank you for the kind invite to PM you, I will definitely take you up on this soon as what you said really resonated with me.

 

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[Kingsta]

I highly recommend reading
1. The Obstacle Is The Way by Ryan Holiday
2. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (Translated by Gregory Hays if you want to actually understand what's being said Lol)

My 2c

Checking The Obstacle Is The Way out right now, really enjoying it!

 

[JohnZ123]

What I find really helpful to be happy is to be grateful and appreciative for everything in your life even the little things.

 

[sWALK90]

very similar situation you would have to find my intro thread.. ..i just turned 25 though...

You can read books, go talk to others and do all type of shit ..

Its really all in your head...nobody can tell you what makes you happy..I would focus on health first tho

.i started traveling and seeing different places.Got rid of all the negativity around me and starting living life...(Im currently in the rocky mountains typing this..)

 

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[Second Saint]

In these 7 minutes, a ton of things crystallized for me -- lots of posts by MJ and others, the absolute shit ton of books on success and personal development, and even reasons behind a ton of my chronic unhappiness in 2015. For about a solid year I've been searching for the answer, feeling that I'm missing something and still don't "get it", losing sense of myself, and fighting a lot of negative emotions because of that... this video brought extreme clarity to almost everything at once. It felt like a literal switch was flipped and I was immediately able to see more clearly what works and doesn't work for *me*, not anyone else, and what I need to be doing right now in my life. Thank you so much for sharing that. I'll be listening to it daily for the rest of the month to start.

 

[Harti]

I'm happy to say I have the solution for you.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1897238460/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

Just read the reviews of the book. It has been used by Dane Maxwell, @IceCreamKid, and so much more people... It's the real deal.

Give it a try and you'll see.

 

[Ninjakid]

My man, I gotta say I can relate to your story quite a bit. In fact it's almost scary how much I can.

IN a looooooooooong drawn out search for these answers of, "why can I not be happy even though I have x?" I have found this one truth:

True happiness is independent of outside sources.

I'm not saying having nice material things, money, good food, clean water, fresh air etc. etc. don't bring you happiness, because they absolutely do, but the happiness is only temporary. What's more, they bring you COMFORT.

And yes yes yes yes you've probably heard this a trillion billion times, that true happiness comes from the inside, but it's absolutely 100000% true.

Between all our emotions we come to an equilibrium. We need this because while being happy all the time is fun, it really makes us high more than it makes us functional. I imagine you've accomplished what you have because of FOCUS more than HAPPINESS.

I will now take this time to explain a bit about myself to say how this all relates to you!

My parents, also divorced. And not nicely. Divorced likely meanly. This all happened when I was very young.

Fast forward, I never really noticed actual depression until I was 17, but when I did it was crippling. I mean I did it was crippling. Wasn't fun.

Anyways now five years later I'm doing a million times better, but this black cloud still hangs over at times.

When I was broke, I thought that having financial success and freedom would cure that. But now that I have it, I'm like, "why am I still dealing with this shit?"

But I've realized something. I've been holding on to the emotions and habits I've had from when I was in that dark place quite a few years ago. Even though my reality today is different, I still identify with myself from that time.

Hence I'm never allowing myself to become my new self, I'm always going back to those old habits and beliefs.

This is what's happening with you. You look for outer things to bring you happiness. It's like a cure. You're constantly trying to cure an ailment. But repeatedly identifying with the ailment is what's making it a reality.

But it feels like a constant fight because the outer things can never touch your inner self.

Thinking of the suffering as a rootkit. You`re trying to delete all the daemons it creates, but the rootkit is still there always infecting your server.

You got to wipe that server clean.

The true end to your suffering begins within.

Here`s what you can do.

Make a list of habits and thought patterns you would like to change, and habits you would like to cultivate.

The point is to not focus so much on your undesirable thought patterns and habits. But you need to acknowledge them so can move away from them.

Then practice those desirable habits every day which reflect the new you.

It may feel like a struggle at first, but when you find yourself resorting to your old habits, don't take yourself too seriously. Just laugh it off and be happy your caught yourself.

This may take some time, and a lot of work but with practice you'll find your habits and thought patterns are totally different from before.

If you're constantly in a lighter state of mind yourself, you may also notice that your family and people around you are happier and healthier too! The spiritual light of an individual has a way of being contagious.

Don't do it just for you, do it for everyone around you!

And feel free to PM me if you need some support, or just wanna talk about shinnanigans!

 

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[Madhu]

@Kingsta Have you considered charity work? Making a difference in people's lives, especially those less fortunate than you, might make a difference to your life.

I'd also check out this free course:
https://www.coursera.org/learn/positive-psychology

Basically, it explores emotions and shows that a lot of what we think about positive/negative emotions is very wrong. It's very useful for creating new perspectives and also contains some meditation exercises.

 

[scott.legendre]

My last resort is focusing on a positive outlook of life, regardless of whats going on/how I feel.
Only happy thoughts.

why does that come off as negative? That sounds like a good first resort, not a last resort.

@SteveO is quite experienced in this regard and has a fair number of threads the help shed the light

https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/more-musings-about-life.53448/
https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/to-be-free.51580/
https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/life-perspective.51017/
https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/today-i-trudged.51659/

look through his posts and threads if you haven't before, you won't be disappointed. If you have, look at them again. they may have more meaning to you now than they did before.

 

[SteveO]

why does that come off as negative? That sounds like a good first resort, not a last resort.

@SteveO is quite experienced in this regard and has a fair number of threads the help shed the light

https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/more-musings-about-life.53448/
https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/to-be-free.51580/
https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/life-perspective.51017/
https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/today-i-trudged.51659/

look through his posts and threads if you haven't before, you won't be disappointed. If you have, look at them again. they may have more meaning to you now than they did before.

Wow. Blast from the past!

@Kingsta
Life is much simpler than we make it. You don't need much to be happy. In my opinion, you just need to experience. In fact you don't even need to be happy to experience life.

Books for guidance are Seth Speaks and The Power of Now. They are books that I got some guidance from and helped me.

It is impossible to tell someone how to change their outlook on life. It is much like telling someone how to get rich. You must figure it out for yourself.

 

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[Kingsta]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'm checking out all these books that you've sent me. I finished the obstacle is the way but plan on reading it again while I wait for some of the other books to arrive.

I'll start charity work in my summer holidays and I've setup a YouTube channel to just let me be myself! I think YouTube is a great way to just let loose and express yourself, even if you never share the videos you could just talk to a camera. I just do gaming since that's what make's me happy and I've now got free time since I quit working temporarily

I'm also a lot more happier than I was when I wrote this original post, I learned there is a lot to be thankful for like the fact I have two arms, two legs...a normal body, food on my table, live in a country were everything is provided if I need it (health care etc) and a lot of people in this world will never have that, it saddens me to think that I was ungrateful for the position I was in BUT I know if I can make myself happy, then once I've got to a great level of happiness within my self I can make other's happy.

 

[JAJT]

The less I have and more I do, the happier I tend to be.

 

[Phillipbro]

I definitely think you start giving back to world if you haven't already. There is great pleasure in giving and not expecting anything back in return. Maybe build a school for a village (http://buildaschoolinafrica.org/)?

Congrats on the success at such a young age fellow Tdot member. What industry are you in? if you don't mind sharing...

 

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