What do you think of this email?

[Hristo]

I'm writing this as a practice exercise. This is a lead I would have qualified myself by checking out their online presence. I would change up that first paragraph for each customer, but the rest would be the same. I would change the lead number based on the Industry too (e.g. 20 leads for towing is nothing, but construction it's a huge deal).

Dear Donald,

Your company impresses me. Based on reviews left online, your customers love you. You seem to be doing well and your work on the Italizone Coffee store was one of my favourites.

However, your company’s website is lacking and you don’t seem to be doing any effective online marketing.

It’s understandable for a business owner to not be improving on these areas. I myself find I have very little time for anything other than work. Nevertheless, it’s still a missed opportunity.

By not having a strategy in this area you are effectively leaving large bank bags filled with cash on the table. It might sound like I’m being dramatic, but I’m not.

How much would 20 leads (potential customers) be worth to you? I have seen many owners like yourself change their entire perspective of online marketing in a single day. All it takes is a single campaign to change your business.

And that’s all I ask of you. Hire us for a single campaign. If we don’t reach your expectations, then you don’t have to pay for our service. No restrictive contracts, just an opportunity to grow your business.

I would love to discuss this further with you. Call me xxx-xxx-xxx for a 5 minute phone call to find out our ideas to grow your business.

Kind Regards,
Durty-Use Dcarsalesmen
​

Let me know what can be improved on here? Is it trash? Would you email me back (even if to tell me to F*ck off)?

 

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[ApparentHorizon]

Where's the headline?

 

[Hristo]

Where's the headline?

By headline I assume you mean the subject. I completely overlooked that. Maybe something along the lines of "[Business Name] needs to leverage the power of the internet". Hoping that using their actual business name will make them at least click on it.

 

[ApparentHorizon]

"[Business Name] needs to leverage the power of the internet"

Would you open that if it landed in your email?

 

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[devine]

"And that’s all I ask of you. Hire us for a single campaign. If we don’t reach your expectations, then you don’t have to pay for our service. No restrictive contracts, just an opportunity to grow your business."

Cut this line and you're good to go. You don't want and you cannot sell in this email. You'll do that when they call. If they call.

 

[devine]

Depending on who you will target, it may or may not work.
The writing by itself is perfect.

 

[Jon L]

I'm writing this as a practice exercise. This is a lead I would have qualified myself by checking out their online presence. I would change up that first paragraph for each customer, but the rest would be the same. I would change the lead number based on the Industry too (e.g. 20 leads for towing is nothing, but construction it's a huge deal).

Dear Donald,

Your company impresses me. Based on reviews left online, your customers love you. You seem to be doing well and your work on the Italizone Coffee store was one of my favourites.

However, your company’s website is lacking and you don’t seem to be doing any effective online marketing.

It’s understandable for a business owner to not be improving on these areas. I myself find I have very little time for anything other than work. Nevertheless, it’s still a missed opportunity.

By not having a strategy in this area you are effectively leaving large bank bags filled with cash on the table. It might sound like I’m being dramatic, but I’m not.

How much would 20 leads (potential customers) be worth to you? I have seen many owners like yourself change their entire perspective of online marketing in a single day. All it takes is a single campaign to change your business.

And that’s all I ask of you. Hire us for a single campaign. If we don’t reach your expectations, then you don’t have to pay for our service. No restrictive contracts, just an opportunity to grow your business.

I would love to discuss this further with you. Call me xxx-xxx-xxx for a 5 minute phone call to find out our ideas to grow your business.

Kind Regards,
Durty-Use Dcarsalesmen
​

Let me know what can be improved on here? Is it trash? Would you email me back (even if to tell me to F*ck off)?

The following really confused me, and I had to reread the email twice because of it:

"However, your company’s website is lacking and you don’t seem to be doing any effective online marketing."

I thought, "is he trying to see me a new website, or online marketing?)

change it to: However, you don’t seem to be doing any effective online marketing.

On second thought, I wouldn't say that either. I've had PPC people email me and tell me that I wasn't successful with Google Adwords. (I beg to differ...they obviously hadn't done their homework).

Something like, "There are a number of things you're not doing effectively in your online marketing campaign."
That's pretty open-ended and won't leave the recipient questioning where you get your data from.

 

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[Vigilante]

I get shit like this every day. Most of it lands in my spam folder. If it doesn't, it goes to the trash after the second sentence. Nobody responds to emails like this. We literally get dozens per week. You are going to have to figure out a more effective way to reach your target audience than sending them spam.

 

[LibertyForMe]

"What's up Donald, hope you're doing well. I'm a local guy that lives across town from you over in XYZ area, but I'm pretty familiar with you guys. I scoped out your online presence and you've got some awesome reviews. I think you've got an opportunity to drive even more business to your coffee shop with a better website, especially one that is mobile friendly.

People in their car searching for coffee is a huge opportunity, and if they find your site, you want to make it easy for them to come visit you. I've done a lot of work with generating revenue through better performing websites, and I think we could make something really great to work for you all hours of the day.

Anyways, let me know if you want to talk more, I seriously think we could put something really nice together that would generate you some more business and revenue."

That is the style that I write emails, it may be trash but a more personal approach works well for me anyways. I also would start in your own city for the first few so that way you have a connection with the prospect - you both live in the same place!

 

[Vigilante]

Send a fedex.

Addressed to the president of the company.

Inside the fedex, a single sheet of paper. Addressed to the president of the company.

Dear Mr. Big,

We will do a marketing campaign for you for free. We can generate 20 leads for you in the first (free) campaign.

Call me and we will come over to outline the strategy and get the campaign in motion. We can start the free campaign next week.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXXXXXx

 

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[deepestblue]

I get shit like this every day. Most of it lands in my spam folder. If it doesn't, it goes to the trash after the second sentence. Nobody responds to emails like this. We literally get dozens per week. You are going to have to figure out a more effective way to reach your target audience than sending them spam.

Thank you, I was going to post something along these lines.

Around .1% of them are personalized in any way, if that. But even hyper-personalized reach-outs can be ineffective if going in completely cold.

 

[GSF]

Send a fedex.

Addressed to the president of the company.

Inside the fedex, a single sheet of paper. Addressed to the president of the company.

Dear Mr. Big,

We will do a marketing campaign for you for free. We can generate 20 leads for you in the first (free) campaign.

Call me and we will come over to outline the strategy and get the campaign in motion. We can start the free campaign next week.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXXXXXx

Something like this would work.

The only time I've ever responded to direct mail was from a seo guy who sent me a letter like the one above with a hand written envelope addressed to me personally.

This was like 6-7 years ago but I used to get bombarded daily with spam marketing emails and calls so it was effective.

 

[Andy Black]

How about something like this? (Might work best as phone calls.)



Email 1: Call Andy on 0123 456789

Andy is looking for a new coffee machine for his business in Ireland. Would like to know entry level options and whether you do financing.




Email 2: Call Jon on 0145 67890

Jon would like to know whether he can rent a coffee machine for a big party he's throwing.




Email 3: Call Vigilante on 0145 34567

Vigilante would like to know if your coffee machines work with sand in them.




Email 4: Call Hristo on 01234 6789012

How did you get on with the previous referrals?

We get a lot of referrals of people looking for coffee machines and would like to partner with a good supplier.

Wondering if you wanted to have a chat, or if you knew a suitable supplier I should talk to?



.
.
.


My point being... why do businesses have phones and email addresses?

When Mr Businessman woke up this morning, what emails did he want to see in his inbox?

 

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[nradam123]

I'm writing this as a practice exercise. This is a lead I would have qualified myself by checking out their online presence. I would change up that first paragraph for each customer, but the rest would be the same. I would change the lead number based on the Industry too (e.g. 20 leads for towing is nothing, but construction it's a huge deal).

Dear Donald,

Your company impresses me. Based on reviews left online, your customers love you. You seem to be doing well and your work on the Italizone Coffee store was one of my favourites.

However, your company’s website is lacking and you don’t seem to be doing any effective online marketing.

It’s understandable for a business owner to not be improving on these areas. I myself find I have very little time for anything other than work. Nevertheless, it’s still a missed opportunity.

By not having a strategy in this area you are effectively leaving large bank bags filled with cash on the table. It might sound like I’m being dramatic, but I’m not.

How much would 20 leads (potential customers) be worth to you? I have seen many owners like yourself change their entire perspective of online marketing in a single day. All it takes is a single campaign to change your business.

And that’s all I ask of you. Hire us for a single campaign. If we don’t reach your expectations, then you don’t have to pay for our service. No restrictive contracts, just an opportunity to grow your business.

I would love to discuss this further with you. Call me xxx-xxx-xxx for a 5 minute phone call to find out our ideas to grow your business.

Kind Regards,
Durty-Use Dcarsalesmen
​

Let me know what can be improved on here? Is it trash? Would you email me back (even if to tell me to F*ck off)?

I emailed over 100 personalized emails a few months ago to random businesses to improve there website.
56 Opened
0 Replied

Either you should be able to email 100s "everyday" with a canned email.
Or otherwise you need to stop emailing random businesses and only email qualified leads.

 

[Andy Black]

This video might give you ideas:

• How I often sell AdWords

And this is something I often tell prospects ...

 

[100k]

How about something like this? (Might work best as phone calls.)



Email 1: Call Andy on 0123 456789

Andy is looking for a new coffee machine for his business in Ireland. Would like to know entry level options and whether you do financing.




Email 2: Call Jon on 0145 67890

Jon would like to know whether he can rent a coffee machine for a big party he's throwing.




Email 3: Call Vigilante on 0145 34567

Vigilante would like to know if your coffee machines work with sand in them.




Email 4: Call Hristo on 01234 6789012

How did you get on with the previous referrals?

We get a lot of referrals of people looking for coffee machines and would like to partner with a good supplier.

Wondering if you wanted to have a chat, or if you knew a suitable supplier I should talk to?



.
.
.


My point being... why do businesses have phones and email addresses?

When Mr Business woke up this morning, what emails did he want to see in his inbox?

^^Under rated comment right there.

 

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[TwoSteps]

This on a Sunday morning is why I like it here.

 

[devine]

If a really attractive girl sends an email with her phone number included and attaches a verification of her person, majority will call. Even Vigilante will re-read the email twice.
If this girl is Jessica Alba, 10/10 will call.

If your website looks solid, has strong copywriting and showcases your competence - you can shoot random emails with abrakadabra and get about 10% inquiries about your services (I know, because we did exactly that).
"We received your email, looks like there is something wrong with your mail service. We also look at your website and wonder if you could help us." - a close translation of emails we got. Business that cares enough about itself will try to capture every opportunity.
If you represent value - they will answer.

It's observable in social networks and online dating. I can shoot a friend request to a girl that has 5k followers and only 100 friends and next hour she'll be sending me her number. I won't act try-hard, because I represent a value for her. I won't need a personalized letter on paper to achieve that.
What other people do? They start acting try-hard, which shows that they have no real value. They send roses with a letter, they try to stand out from the crowd only to show that substantially they are not better than the rest of the crowd.

Same goes for emails and business.
From 100 normal emails, we had about 60% responses and just called directly to check if others received our emails (Andy came up with a better idea and advised to call immediately).
If you send 100 emails and have less than 20-30% return, something is REALLY WRONG with either your website or your targeting.

btw, Vigilante's idea is great for situations where you need to effectively surpass layers of people who don't make decisions and won't be interested in your offer. But don't shoot it to small/medium businesses owners you can easily reach another way.