Losing friendships

[Gray Blimp]

I have few friends. Remnants from childhood and school. I seem to be losing them. One gets a girlfriend and stops communicating. The other moves away and stops communicating. The other is willing to play video games, but not much else (I generally stopped playing them, but didn't think I would lose a friend over it).

I must be the one to start communication, to invite the other to hang out, they never initiate conversation. They generally say they'll let me know but never get back to me, or ignore me. It seems, unfortunately, that I value the friendship more than they do. In person, when we do hang out, we have a great time, but otherwise, it's like I don't exist. The frequency of hanging out is getting longer and longer for all of them (7 months, 14 months).

I have been productive with my free time, but I don't want to let friendships die out of immaturity. At the same time, I would make time for any of them (except video games, maybe I should start playing again?), but I don't seem to be worthy of a response or remembrance half the time. I've also heard that this is just a consequence of adulthood.

Anyone have similar stories? What do you do? At what point do you just let it go?

 

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[NewManRising]

This has been my exact experience with all my friends too. Truth is, they are not good friends. Friendships are a mutual exchange. The give and take are equal. What you describe are people who are one-sided. There has to be a benefit for them and they would have to control most things. It is a waste of time. I know it is hard to let childhood friends go. I no longer know anyone from my childhood or school years. Instead, focus on making all new friends. Find the people who fulfill you and do the things you want to do. And most importantly, they actually put in the same work you do to maintain the friendship.

 

[ZF Lee]

I have few friends. Remnants from childhood and school. I seem to be losing them. One gets a girlfriend and stops communicating. The other moves away and stops communicating. The other is willing to play video games, but not much else (I generally stopped playing them, but didn't think I would lose a friend over it).

I must be the one to start communication, to invite the other to hang out, they never initiate conversation. They generally say they'll let me know but never get back to me, or ignore me. It seems, unfortunately, that I value the friendship more than they do. In person, when we do hang out, we have a great time, but otherwise, it's like I don't exist. The frequency of hanging out is getting longer and longer for all of them (7 months, 14 months).

I have been productive with my free time, but I don't want to let friendships die out of immaturity. At the same time, I would make time for any of them (except video games, maybe I should start playing again?), but I don't seem to be worthy of a response or remembrance half the time. I've also heard that this is just a consequence of adulthood.

Anyone have similar stories? What do you do? At what point do you just let it go?

I find that having the choice to start communications and decide he route of any relationship to be a very powerful and motivating tool at my disposal.

Sure, my old high school friends don't come by anymore. Maybe one or two who still continue their studies locally. The others who go overseas, well, crickets.

I did hum and haw over it. Felt quite bitter at times. Then after some time in the Forum, I realised that if I could muster time and energy to talk and listen to some faraway entrepreneurs in America, who differ in terms of background and culture, why not do the same with my friends?

Keep contact, especially with friends who share some Fastlaneish attributes. And make new friends at the same time.

 

[Lexauton]

Just because the connections become distant doesn't mean they're lost entirely. People reconnect after years and ignite old sparks. What seems to be happening in your reality sounds pretty natural. I have people I'm cool with, but I was never the dude to "reach out" for fear of rejection.

Now I try to surround myself with healthy people and I reach out more, but if I get a couple rejections, I just let them be. People who want to be in your life will continue to contact you, or be pretty receptive when you contact them.

Others? It may just have to drift. Thus is life.

 

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[Zimbizee]

Friends come and go over a lifetime. I'll remember my grandfather saying if you can count your true friends on more than one hand your deceiving yourself. Funny how folks say they "500+ friends on facebook"

 

[fortu1992]

I have few friends. Remnants from childhood and school. I seem to be losing them. One gets a girlfriend and stops communicating. The other moves away and stops communicating. The other is willing to play video games, but not much else (I generally stopped playing them, but didn't think I would lose a friend over it).

I must be the one to start communication, to invite the other to hang out, they never initiate conversation. They generally say they'll let me know but never get back to me, or ignore me. It seems, unfortunately, that I value the friendship more than they do. In person, when we do hang out, we have a great time, but otherwise, it's like I don't exist. The frequency of hanging out is getting longer and longer for all of them (7 months, 14 months).

I have been productive with my free time, but I don't want to let friendships die out of immaturity. At the same time, I would make time for any of them (except video games, maybe I should start playing again?), but I don't seem to be worthy of a response or remembrance half the time. I've also heard that this is just a consequence of adulthood.

Anyone have similar stories? What do you do? At what point do you just let it go?

it's really hard to find good friends

 

[Almantas]

Move on.

 

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[Gray Blimp]

Friendships are a mutual exchange. The give and take are equal. What you describe are people who are one-sided. ... they actually put in the same work you do to maintain the friendship.

People who want to be in your life will continue to contact you, or be pretty receptive when you contact them.

Others? It may just have to drift. Thus is life.

These two points summarize my chief concern, and the crux of the issue.

Thank you all for the replys and perspectives... helping me come to terms with the inevitable.

 

[Lex DeVille]

FriendMatch: A place to meet new friends

 

[MetalGear]

• Great that you bring this up
• During Thanksgiving, I suffered from a bout of the blues
• I stopped hanging out with "extended family" because they all put my entrepreneurship dreams down
• They basically think of me as a loser because I am not climbing the corporate ladder anymore and am not married or in a serious relationship yet
• The key is to remember that having five loyal and supportive friends is better than having 500 acquaintances that don't care

Find and develop friendships with a handful...and you will see that is all you need

 

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[SteveO]

• I stopped hanging out with "extended family" because they all put my entrepreneurship dreams down

• They basically think of me as a loser because I am not climbing the corporate ladder anymore and am not married or in a serious relationship yet

Is it possible that some of this is manufactured by your own mind?

 

[MetalGear]

Is it possible that some of this is manufactured by your own mind?

I'm exaggerating when I say all for sure
It is a handful of them that like to take potshots and make snide comments...
The thing that gets me is when a couple of them make comments, the whole group laughs
They can be particularly brutal, I know in some families this is normal but I can't take that kind of disrespect anymore

 

[MetalGear]

I'm exaggerating when I say all for sure
It is a handful of them that like to take potshots and make snide comments...
The thing that gets me is when a couple of them make comments, the whole group laughs
They can be particularly brutal, I know in some families this is normal but I can't take that kind of disrespect anymore

PS I'm learning to forgive and move on...the holidays have proven to be a challenge

 

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[SteveO]

the whole group laughs

If you can manage to do so, laugh with them. Their opinions mean nothing.

 

[SteveO]

PS I'm learning to forgive and move on...

The goal would be to get to the point that you don't feel a need to forgive. Because... the comments and opinions don't bother you in the first place. There really is no need to let others have any negative affect on you. This is a victim mindset.

 

[Ankerstein17]

I have few friends. Remnants from childhood and school. I seem to be losing them. One gets a girlfriend and stops communicating. The other moves away and stops communicating. The other is willing to play video games, but not much else (I generally stopped playing them, but didn't think I would lose a friend over it).

I must be the one to start communication, to invite the other to hang out, they never initiate conversation. They generally say they'll let me know but never get back to me, or ignore me. It seems, unfortunately, that I value the friendship more than they do. In person, when we do hang out, we have a great time, but otherwise, it's like I don't exist. The frequency of hanging out is getting longer and longer for all of them (7 months, 14 months).

I have been productive with my free time, but I don't want to let friendships die out of immaturity. At the same time, I would make time for any of them (except video games, maybe I should start playing again?), but I don't seem to be worthy of a response or remembrance half the time. I've also heard that this is just a consequence of adulthood.

Anyone have similar stories? What do you do? At what point do you just let it go?

Friendships come and go. Be grateful you have them in the moment, and you can experience things with them. Understand people change over time, and yes it might seem as though everyone is changing around you. Understand your changing as well, and that means prioritize change. Instead of worrying about all the time you're not hanging out, focus on the times when you do hang out. Focus on what you will do together and create memories when you're hanging out. Don't focus on the things you can't control, and always learn from the experience. Don't dwell on this but understand.

Find new friends, don't be afraid to meet new people. When one door is closing, another door is opening.

Sounds cheezy, but it's true.

Hope this helps.

 

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[Mr.Brandtastic]

I'm not losing friends, I'm just becoming more picky about who I spend my time with.

 

[WJK]

I have few friends. Remnants from childhood and school.

Anyone have similar stories? What do you do? At what point do you just let it go?

You already have let them go -- you just haven't internalized it yet. This is going to happen to you over and over again during your life. Each stage of your journey, you will out distance the people around you. At best, they will quietly fall away. At worst, they'll run you off with lots of fury and then talk smack about you when you are gone. Yes, it's your fault for going where they can't or won't go. You have make them uncomfortable and you've broken out of their little self imposed boundaries. Yes, it's sometimes painful for you, and it many times doesn't make any sense. Human are herd animals at heart and you just aren't following the herd's rules!

 

[Gray Blimp]

• Great that you bring this up
• During Thanksgiving, I suffered from a bout of the blues
• I stopped hanging out with "extended family" because they all put my entrepreneurship dreams down

I get where you're coming from with the family. All of my cousins are doing much better than I in the career department. Everyone questions what I'm doing next, what they're really asking is when I'm going to get on their level.

Friendships come and go. Be grateful you have them in the moment, and you can experience things with them. Understand people change over time, and yes it might seem as though everyone is changing around you. Understand your changing as well, and that means prioritize change. Instead of worrying about all the time you're not hanging out, focus on the times when you do hang out. Focus on what you will do together and create memories when you're hanging out. Don't focus on the things you can't control, and always learn from the experience. Don't dwell on this but understand.

Find new friends, don't be afraid to meet new people. When one door is closing, another door is opening.

Sounds cheezy, but it's true.

Hope this helps.

Thank you for the comment. Very insightful and positive. People do change, but I am grateful and happy for the fun times had and the memories I'll always have.

You already have let them go -- you just haven't internalized it yet. This is going to happen to you over and over again during your life. Each stage of your journey, you will out distance the people around you.

Your response made me realize, of course I have already let them go. I just needed to hear it from other people. The absurdity and humor of a person who asks a forum if he still has friends. If you have to ask obviously you don't. Thank you for the reply.

Now I really don't have an excuse for not living the fastlane lifestyle.

 

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[Xeon]

This happens to me every year so I can relate to what you wrote. As an aquittance once told me, "Friends come and go, old ones leave, new ones come". I currently have only 1 friend now but that's ok, I want to work on my fastlane and once it reaches a decent level, I can always go out there and meet new ones.

Not sure about others here, but if you're working on your fastlane project, I seriously doubt you've the time to spend several hours at the bar every other night with your buddies. Plus, it costs $$$ especially in expensive cities like Singapore and that $$$ can be better used in places like FB ads!

I understand how it feels to have friends you know since young suddenly become so distant like you're strangers. In general (at least for the ones I know) for guys especially, once they get married and settle down with kids, most of them usually don't hang out with their male friends much (if at all). Unless they start getting tired of their naggy wife and crying babies, then they need a listening ear...

*PS: I find it incomprehensible how people actually add others that they dislike, on Facebook! Here you've one guy backstabbing another, and both are "Friends" on FB lol!

 

[ZCP]

Friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

That has been my experience.

 

[MTF]

I recently realized that I've grown apart from my friends. It's not that they're bad people or something like that, but I no longer feel as connected with them as in the past.

For example, one of my friends (in his late 20s) started taking (for prevention) hypertension medication because he's too lazy to change his lifestyle to a healthier one. As he says, "Taking a pill is easier." Now, obviously it's not his pre-hypertension condition that makes me feel we've grown apart - it's about his attitude to life ("avoid any kind of effort") that's the total opposite of what I believe. Can I still hang out with him and enjoy it? Of course. Do I feel he gets me like many people from this forum? Not really.

I guess it's often little things that make you realize that it's time to move on and make new friends. You pause and ask yourself how it's possible that you're still friends with this person based on their behaviors, values and habits that are so different than yours. Not that different is bad - I mean different as in being a positive person and hanging out with a grumbling crybaby.

I find it hard to make new friends (meeting new people is easy, making friendships is a completely different thing), but I think that you need to look at it as building a business - it's a process that starts with research (where can you find people sharing your values and your lifestyle?) and then relies on you taking consistent action and focusing on the idea (people) that's most promising.

 

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[PureA]

Find your people.

p.s. We have this thing called the internet now

 

[Gray Blimp]

We have this thing called the internet now

And that is something for which I am so very grateful.

 

[NVious]

Most people are overrated.

It's likely you were just sentimental because of some good memories and sunk cost fallacy.

Being an entrepreneur and consistent self improver should yield high level people.

Focus on the vital few and ignore the trivial many, one amazing friend>>>>>>>>>>>100s of mediocre ones (most people)

 

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[WJK]

I recently realized that I've grown apart from my friends. It's not that they're bad people or something like that, but I no longer feel as connected with them as in the past.

For example, one of my friends (in his late 20s) started taking (for prevention) hypertension medication because he's too lazy to change his lifestyle to a healthier one. As he says, "Taking a pill is easier." Now, obviously it's not his pre-hypertension condition that makes me feel we've grown apart - it's about his attitude to life ("avoid any kind of effort") that's the total opposite of what I believe. Can I still hang out with him and enjoy it? Of course. Do I feel he gets me like many people from this forum? Not really.

I guess it's often little things that make you realize that it's time to move on and make new friends. You pause and ask yourself how it's possible that you're still friends with this person based on their behaviors, values and habits that are so different than yours. Not that different is bad - I mean different as in being a positive person and hanging out with a grumbling crybaby.

I find it hard to make new friends (meeting new people is easy, making friendships is a completely different thing), but I think that you need to look at it as building a business - it's a process that starts with research (where can you find people sharing your values and your lifestyle?) and then relies on you taking consistent action and focusing on the idea (people) that's most promising.

You're having growing pains. Yes, you will leave some people behind. Yes, as you move ahead you will be rejected by many who are still just treading water. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, you will meet a lot of people, but few will become your true friends. And that is as it should be. Choose your friends carefully and thoughtfully. They are your landing pad when the world closes in on you.

 

[Lucky Lu]

I feel you brother. Sometimes people drift apart. Sometimes there is no explanation whatsoever and you entirely stop seeing some of them.I think is also a natural part of growing up.

 

[Deleted69685]

I read this and I remembered how glad I am to have let go all my useless (school) friends who just wanted to socialise with no purpose, consumerise (as that is all they knew what to do) and complain (at the earliest sight of a problem). Lost touch. No contact. Nada. Adios.

Sometimes you intellectually outgrow your friends. If you recognise that and move on effectively, consider it a gift.

It is better to be alone than in a bad company/in a company of people who drag you backwards. Inevitably most past relationships (albeit not all) come with some king of baggage. If the baggage is heavy, drop it.

How I wish took my own advice earlier.

 

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[WJK]

I read this and I remembered how glad I am to have let go all my useless (school) friends who just wanted to socialise with no purpose, consumerise (as that is all they knew what to do) and complain (at the earliest sight of a problem). Lost touch. No contact. Nada. Adios.

Sometimes you intellectually outgrow your friends. If you recognise that and move on effectively, consider it a gift.

It is better to be alone than in a bad company/in a company of people who drag you backwards. Inevitably most past relationships (albeit not all) come with some king of baggage. If the baggage is heavy, drop it.

How I wish took my own advice earlier.

Yes, I've outgrown a lot of people over the years. That doesn't make them bad...or unworthy...or any other negative. I just have grown into a different paradigm -- view of the world. I wish each and every one of them well. But, I don't want to spend my time with them. And if a friend drops me, I honor that decision. Each of us must have the freedom to create our own lives.

 

[AFMKelvin]

The majority of people miss the type of friendship you can only experience when you're a child. That type of friendship is not based on anything but liking the other person for who they are.

The first time you lost friends without realizing it was when you hit puberty. That's when you have the friends that start graviting towards the opposite sex and the ones that are still clueless about it.

Then you lose friends again once you leave high school. Even in high school most kids are in an equal playing field. Everyone is still care free and depend on their parents so money it's not a periquisite to been friends.

The people that can be your friends are those that are your equals. At the same stage in life as you. If you want to be successful you wouldn't hang around the stoner gamer dude because you're both on two different wavelengths. There's going to be tension pulling the two personalities at all times. If you just want to enjoy the moment and have no worries you wouldn't hang out with someone that's building a future for himself.

Just move on and don't think too much of it.