I've had my foot on the brakes for some time.
Not where I want to be in my life in any area at the moment.
This thought popped into my head this morning while I was engaging in a treasonous choice I've been trying to cut out of my life (smoking, btw). Clearly, not trying hard enough because I've been continuously making that conscious (and sometimes subconscious) choice.
I suppose this is more of a rant-style post but I did want to put it out there and contribute in some way to this forum and if anyone else may be going through the same thing at all.
I want to make strides to improve my health and actually make it my top priority. My actions have proven that it isn't so I want to change that. I've got to work to help my family (borderline poverty - home falling apart but in a good neighborhood, mum is the sole breadwinner (dad passed in '06) and takes care of the mortgage and all else although I do contribute (it's NEVER enough) - if she falls ill (God forbid) my younger brother and I are completely f**ked - a serious wakeup call that I try to numb myself to).
Which is why I feel and think I must be the so-called "saviour" for my family by becoming successful. It's all on me as the eldest. I'm slowly coming to the reality of possibly having to give up the hope of having a family of my own, if I could just get things together, retire my family, retire myself, perhaps that will be enough.
went off on a tangent. absolutely frustrated and feeling stuck, also feeling like something is looming over my shoulder.
Not where I want to be in my life in any area at the moment.
This thought popped into my head this morning while I was engaging in a treasonous choice I've been trying to cut out of my life (smoking, btw). Clearly, not trying hard enough because I've been continuously making that conscious (and sometimes subconscious) choice.
I suppose this is more of a rant-style post but I did want to put it out there and contribute in some way to this forum and if anyone else may be going through the same thing at all.
I want to make strides to improve my health and actually make it my top priority. My actions have proven that it isn't so I want to change that. I've got to work to help my family (borderline poverty - home falling apart but in a good neighborhood, mum is the sole breadwinner (dad passed in '06) and takes care of the mortgage and all else although I do contribute (it's NEVER enough) - if she falls ill (God forbid) my younger brother and I are completely f**ked - a serious wakeup call that I try to numb myself to).
Which is why I feel and think I must be the so-called "saviour" for my family by becoming successful. It's all on me as the eldest. I'm slowly coming to the reality of possibly having to give up the hope of having a family of my own, if I could just get things together, retire my family, retire myself, perhaps that will be enough.
went off on a tangent. absolutely frustrated and feeling stuck, also feeling like something is looming over my shoulder.
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