Helping Someone Who Isn't Ready to be Helped - 10 tips from someone who has been there

[Bekit]

I originally posted this in my Progress thread, but a few people mentioned that it should be its own separate thread. Hopefully this prompts a fuller discussion of the topic! If you want more context and background, the original post in my progress thread has 4 years of context haha. But the gist of it is that I was talking about mental health and mindset blockages that left me further behind in my progress than I would have liked.

Thoughts on helping someone who isn't ready to be helped​

Since I've been that person, let me speak to the difficulty of trying to help someone who isn't ready to be helped due to mindset blockages.

More than one forum member gave me a leg up in the form of offering me work and/or mentorship. If I had been more "whole" in my mindset, I know I could have taken much greater advantage of the help that was offered. Instead, it was kind of like offering someone the chance to go skiing or to Six Flags, but the day comes and they're in bed with a violent case of the stomach flu. They just can't take you up on it. Even if they wanted to, and even if they dragged themselves out of bed, they'd just be miserable all day and not be able to take full advantage of the trip the way a healthy person would (and indeed, they might actually experience low-grade trauma over the very thing that was supposed to be fun).

I want to keep this in mind for when I'm in a better place and I'm reaching out to people coming behind me to give them a hand. Based on knowing how it felt to BE that person who was struggling, I think these principles are good to keep in mind:

1. Being compassionate goes further than the RAH-RAH GaryV-style hype. I'm not talking about limp-wristed, namby-pamby "compassion" that's essentially the same as condoning bad behavior. I mean things like, "Hey, I see you. It sounds like you're struggling. Sorry that this is hard. Have you been drinking enough water recently? Are you getting enough nutrition and sleep? Take good care of yourself. You've got this. I believe in you. Just do the next step."
   
   
2. Baby steps might have to be broken down smaller than you think.
   
   
3. Just because someone isn't quite ready to be helped doesn't mean that they can't do ANYTHING towards a better position. Even if someone is not ready to take full action the way you could, they'll still benefit if they attempt SOMETHING.
   
   
4. Be patient when people's own internal barriers lead them to make frustratingly inept choices. It's SO tempting to throw up your hands and write someone off when this happens. Instead, point their focus back to the goal and to any viable action step that is available.
   
   
5. Maybe you do need to set boundaries if someone truly isn't getting it and it's becoming a waste of your time. For example, "Looks like you're not quite ready to do this step. Let me know when you finally are, and I'll be here for you at that point." Leaving the door open for when that litmus test is passed can be a good way to balance the competing pull of wanting to help but not seeing that person do their part.
   
   
6. Sometimes people might be in a position in life where they legitimately need the structure and outside accountability that comes with a job. There's no shame in this. It can be a good way to regroup and still at least pull in an income while they are getting back into the saddle mentally.
   
   
7. Setting goals is not necessarily helpful. It just feels like an exercise in futility to that person. While they might comply outwardly ("Sure, I'll write down a SMART goal"), internally they may be thinking, "I'll either hit it or I won't, and the existence of the goal isn't going to contribute anything towards my likelihood of success." What's more helpful is just exercising a repetitive sequence of [Identify the next action] > [Do that] > [Repeat]. Even if the larger goal takes shape very slowly, this at least helps the person to develop the default pattern of taking action.
   
   
8. Uncovering the reason for blockages is super helpful. "Why am I feeling stuck right now? What fear is underneath this resistance? Is there a cognitive distortion in my thinking? What unhelpful belief is contributing to my lack of action? Do I feel ashamed of myself for something and is that causing paralysis?" Just labeling the mental baggage is a great first step toward seeing it for what it is and getting rid of it.
   
   
9. If there is a high-intensity constant stressor in the person's daily environment, such as a special needs child or a significant health issue or a toxic relationship, then they have to either get rid of that stressor, or else, if it's going to stay for whatever reason, they have to be absolutely ruthless about eliminating other sources of stress, even if they're "minor." Anything that takes a toll on your mental health needs to go. As an analogy, my purse is not that big or that heavy. I always carry it into the store with me. But when I was on crutches for a sprained ankle, I stopped carrying my purse into stores because it was too much. It's the same concept with mental health. Cut loose any and all optional things that are mildly stressful. You don't have the luxury not to.
   
   
10. I think we can all see examples around us of people who are exactly where they are in life because of bad choices, poor mindsets, and unhelpful behaviors. But someone's prior track record does not have to be the final verdict on their future possibilities. There's always hope that someone can change, see the light, and take different actions. They have to be the ones who want it, of course. And they ultimately have to be the ones who do the work to get there. But being part of their support network is a wonderful gift to offer them.

I'd be curious to hear others' thoughts. Have you tried to help someone who wasn't ready to be helped? What has worked or not worked for you?

 

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[Andy Black]

I originally posted this in my Progress thread, but a few people mentioned that it should be its own separate thread. Hopefully this prompts a fuller discussion of the topic! If you want more context and background, the original post in my progress thread has 4 years of context haha. But the gist of it is that I was talking about mental health and mindset blockages that left me further behind in my progress than I would have liked.

Thoughts on helping someone who isn't ready to be helped​

Since I've been that person, let me speak to the difficulty of trying to help someone who isn't ready to be helped due to mindset blockages.

More than one forum member gave me a leg up in the form of offering me work and/or mentorship. If I had been more "whole" in my mindset, I know I could have taken much greater advantage of the help that was offered. Instead, it was kind of like offering someone the chance to go skiing or to Six Flags, but the day comes and they're in bed with a violent case of the stomach flu. They just can't take you up on it. Even if they wanted to, and even if they dragged themselves out of bed, they'd just be miserable all day and not be able to take full advantage of the trip the way a healthy person would (and indeed, they might actually experience low-grade trauma over the very thing that was supposed to be fun).

I want to keep this in mind for when I'm in a better place and I'm reaching out to people coming behind me to give them a hand. Based on knowing how it felt to BE that person who was struggling, I think these principles are good to keep in mind:

1. Being compassionate goes further than the RAH-RAH GaryV-style hype. I'm not talking about limp-wristed, namby-pamby "compassion" that's essentially the same as condoning bad behavior. I mean things like, "Hey, I see you. It sounds like you're struggling. Sorry that this is hard. Have you been drinking enough water recently? Are you getting enough nutrition and sleep? Take good care of yourself. You've got this. I believe in you. Just do the next step."
   
   
2. Baby steps might have to be broken down smaller than you think.
   
   
3. Just because someone isn't quite ready to be helped doesn't mean that they can't do ANYTHING towards a better position. Even if someone is not ready to take full action the way you could, they'll still benefit if they attempt SOMETHING.
   
   
4. Be patient when people's own internal barriers lead them to make frustratingly inept choices. It's SO tempting to throw up your hands and write someone off when this happens. Instead, point their focus back to the goal and to any viable action step that is available.
   
   
5. Maybe you do need to set boundaries if someone truly isn't getting it and it's becoming a waste of your time. For example, "Looks like you're not quite ready to do this step. Let me know when you finally are, and I'll be here for you at that point." Leaving the door open for when that litmus test is passed can be a good way to balance the competing pull of wanting to help but not seeing that person do their part.
   
   
6. Sometimes people might be in a position in life where they legitimately need the structure and outside accountability that comes with a job. There's no shame in this. It can be a good way to regroup and still at least pull in an income while they are getting back into the saddle mentally.
   
   
7. Setting goals is not necessarily helpful. It just feels like an exercise in futility to that person. While they might comply outwardly ("Sure, I'll write down a SMART goal"), internally they may be thinking, "I'll either hit it or I won't, and the existence of the goal isn't going to contribute anything towards my likelihood of success." What's more helpful is just exercising a repetitive sequence of [Identify the next action] > [Do that] > [Repeat]. Even if the larger goal takes shape very slowly, this at least helps the person to develop the default pattern of taking action.
   
   
8. Uncovering the reason for blockages is super helpful. "Why am I feeling stuck right now? What fear is underneath this resistance? Is there a cognitive distortion in my thinking? What unhelpful belief is contributing to my lack of action? Do I feel ashamed of myself for something and is that causing paralysis?" Just labeling the mental baggage is a great first step toward seeing it for what it is and getting rid of it.
   
   
9. If there is a high-intensity constant stressor in the person's daily environment, such as a special needs child or a significant health issue or a toxic relationship, then they have to either get rid of that stressor, or else, if it's going to stay for whatever reason, they have to be absolutely ruthless about eliminating other sources of stress, even if they're "minor." Anything that takes a toll on your mental health needs to go. As an analogy, my purse is not that big or that heavy. I always carry it into the store with me. But when I was on crutches for a sprained ankle, I stopped carrying my purse into stores because it was too much. It's the same concept with mental health. Cut loose any and all optional things that are mildly stressful. You don't have the luxury not to.
   
   
10. I think we can all see examples around us of people who are exactly where they are in life because of bad choices, poor mindsets, and unhelpful behaviors. But someone's prior track record does not have to be the final verdict on their future possibilities. There's always hope that someone can change, see the light, and take different actions. They have to be the ones who want it, of course. And they ultimately have to be the ones who do the work to get there. But being part of their support network is a wonderful gift to offer them.

I'd be curious to hear others' thoughts. Have you tried to help someone who wasn't ready to be helped? What has worked or not worked for you?

I'm glad you created a separate discussion for this @Bekit. I think it will help a lot of people.


I try to help people every day in this forum, and I do it in such a way that it doesn't take a toll on me, while still being compassionate.

If I see someone struggling I don't tell them what to do. I don't tell them what I think they should do either. Instead, I drop in a question to point them in a direction they might not have thought of and let them choose what to do next.

I think that's better for them, and for me. It's better for me because it normally doesn't result in them getting defensive and a tit-for-tat ensuing. I'd rather drop a wee question and be gone.


Example:

You need to stop action faking and get a sale this week.

vs

I think you need to stop action faking and get a sale this week.

vs

What can you do to make a sale this week?


I also have lots of threads I can link to that may help people without me being present. (Lol... sounds like the holy grail of passive income somehow. "I can help people in my sleep!")

I can link to a handful of threads and say "These may help". I don't say "Read these". Again, I'm leaving breadcrumbs for them to follow in their own good time, and it doesn't take much emotional energy on my part to do so.


I also try to point out the good in what someone's doing. Often people don't realise until someone else points it out. Sometimes all people need is for their sitution to be reframed in a nicer way.

I'm reminded of this thread which is how I think of coaching, parenting, and leadership:

• MINDSET - Your Step's Too Short

Most importantly I try to remember every avatar is a person with a family, hopes, and dreams.

 

[Anon05554]

I'm glad you created a separate discussion for this @Bekit. I think it will help a lot of people.


I try to help people every day in this forum, and I do it in such a way that it doesn't take a toll on me, while still being compassionate.

If I see someone struggling I don't tell them what to do. I don't tell them what I think they should do either. Instead, I drop in a question to point them in a direction they might not have thought of and let them choose what to do next.

I think that's better for them, and for me. It's better for me because it normally doesn't result in them getting defensive and a tit-for-tat ensuing. I'd rather drop a wee question and be gone.


Example:

You need to stop action faking and get a sale this week.

vs

I think you need to stop action faking and get a sale this week.

vs

What can you do to make a sale this week?


I also have lots of threads I can link to that may help people without me being present. (Lol... sounds like the holy grail of passive income somehow. "I can help people in my sleep!")

I can link to a handful of threads and say "These may help". I don't say "Read these". Again, I'm leaving breadcrumbs for them to follow in their own good time, and it doesn't take much emotional energy on my part to do so.


I also try to point out the good in what someone's doing. Often people don't realise until someone else points it out. Sometimes all people need is for their sitution to be reframed in a nicer way.

I'm reminded of this thread which is how I think of coaching, parenting, and leadership:

• MINDSET - Your Step's Too Short

Most importantly I try to remember every avatar is a person with a family, hopes, and dreams.

@Andy Black, you already dropped a hint for me in the thread about describing one's first sale as an entrepreneur. To be frank, I haven't slept well recently because of you complimenting me on my writing ability and asking me whether I had paying clients! My mind has been a whirl of possibilities. Regrettably, I have not made any conclusive decision. Funnily enough, someone who was laughing at my tall tales today asked me why I don't get them published in newspapers to earn some money from my storytelling prowess.

This brings me to the name of this thread:helping someone who isn't ready. Btw, nice to have you back @Bekit. You are one of the people I have sent a pm concerning the various ideas my mind churns out in a bid to find the one venture on which to latch my tentacles and stop this endless cycle of action faking.

I am one of those people that need help though, from the look of things, I am not ready to benefit from that help. Not because I am lazy or because I don't have enough pain in my life, but simply because the pain in my life has numbed my mind to the various possibilities that await me should I gather enough courage and face my demons, for better, for worse.

Since joining this forum, I have learned to stop playing the victim like I used to by blaming every mishap in my life on my hubby. True, he has flaws, but my response to his attitude is mine. Therefore, I am making baby steps in a bid to be more independent, especially in the area of finances.

I have already sought advice on this forum about monetizing my writing skills, and @Speed112 was kind enough to point me in various directions the pursuit of which saw hubby walk out of the house as writing is not one of the business ventures he envisions for his family. I had to bury my ambitions at the altar of supposed marital bliss so as not to leave indelible scars of abandonment on the minds of my angels.

The desire to write though is not easy to extinguish. As such, I applied to Constant content but had my request turned down, and successfully joined Upwork, though I am yet to get my first interview.

I recall @Bekit one time saying that she can't not write. The same here. I write summaries of books I have read, note down important lines from whatever I am reading(posts in this forum have fallen victim ), possible book titles that pop into my head as I go about my daily chores, and an occasional poem whenever I feel strongly about something.

I digress, don't I?

I meant to say that the good people on this forum who share their wisdom generously should not get discouraged when we don't report the progress their mentorship ought to guarantee. Like @andy has said, behind every avatar is a human with a story and a struggle. The truth is that we only touch the tip of the iceberg whenever we express ourselves here. There are more limiting factors in our lives, background, upbringing, and cultures than a few words on these pages can do justice.

What I have learned in the few months here may not warrant a progress thread, but the truth for me, and I hope it is the same for every newbie here, is that I am not the same Aura who joined this forum seven months ago!

I have started deliberately helping more people(who have you helped?)

I am forever looking for new ways of adding value to things we considered mundane(today I supplied a sackful of es to the school canteen worth around $10.Previously, they were left in the village to rot(entrepreneurship is a way of life or something close)

As of today's weigh-in, I have lost 5 kgs, and will soon be the Queen of road work(the 75 days challenge, but modified to suit my circumstances)

I have encouraged hubby to add an acre of bananas to the existing plantation, have helped him plant more coffee and by way of ads, we are using manure to make our products unputdownable.

Above all, my confidence has grown since I now borrow the wisdom from these pages to speak from an informed point of view. More people are now seeking my opinion on issues ranging from subjects to study and businesses to start.

I look forward to one day being able to dispense the kind of advice I see rolling off the fingertips of the likes of @andy, @Deville, @fastlane Dad, @Antifragile, and need I mention @MJ DeMarco?

All in all, kindly don't get tired of helping us out. Keep on dropping us hints. One will one day spark a fire that can only be put out by the water of execution.

When I have bought a computer and learned how to quote links and post pictures, I will start a progress thread. In the meantime, I am home on this forum.

Keep the wisdom flowing.

 

[Johnny boy]

I had this fat friend who I told "hey you should stop being a fatass and go get some females for each city you travel to since you're always flying around" and he didn't yet, so I stopped talking to him for the most part, and he can come be friends again when he's cool. If he wants to be some dork with diabetes, I don't give a F*ck.

I spend very little energy trying to help people that aren't ready for it, I'm not Captain Save-a-ho.

Some people can't be helped, some people can't be stopped

Every day I try to be the person who can't be stopped.

It's on them to become that type of person who is capable and solves their own problems.

You can spoon feed the truth to people and they will still shit on it and not do a damn thing.

But some people...you can give them terrible information, and they will still seek out the truth in spite of it and still win.

In fact, it's almost a prerequisite of being successful that people are going to actively try to pull you down. If you can't have the mental resilience to handle that, go be an employee the rest of your life.

Maybe the best thing you can do is call them a giant pussy and see if they do something with it or not.

 

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[Black_Dragon43]

I had this fat friend who I told "hey you should stop being a fatass and go get some females for each city you travel to since you're always flying around" and he didn't yet, so I stopped talking to him for the most part, and he can come be friends again when he's cool. If he wants to be some dork with diabetes, I don't give a F*ck.

I spend very little energy trying to help people that aren't ready for it, I'm not Captain Save-a-ho.

Some people can't be helped, some people can't be stopped

Every day I try to be the person who can't be stopped.

It's on them to become that type of person who is capable and solves their own problems.

You can spoon feed the truth to people and they will still shit on it and not do a damn thing.

But some people...you can give them terrible information, and they will still seek out the truth in spite of it and still win.

In fact, it's almost a prerequisite of being successful that people are going to actively try to pull you down. If you can't have the mental resilience to handle that, go be an employee the rest of your life.

Maybe the best thing you can do is call them a giant pussy and see if they do something with it or not.

Good advice… people tend to get stuck in their misery, and you can’t get them out because they’ll just seek to drag you in next to them. The same holds true for vengeful people - they never forgive and always hold a grudge, might as well distance yourself… there is some truth in the aristocratic proverb that you can’t hang around with pigs without getting dirty !

 

[Albert KOUADJA]

I originally posted this in my Progress thread, but a few people mentioned that it should be its own separate thread. Hopefully this prompts a fuller discussion of the topic! If you want more context and background, the original post in my progress thread has 4 years of context haha. But the gist of it is that I was talking about mental health and mindset blockages that left me further behind in my progress than I would have liked.

Thoughts on helping someone who isn't ready to be helped​

Since I've been that person, let me speak to the difficulty of trying to help someone who isn't ready to be helped due to mindset blockages.

More than one forum member gave me a leg up in the form of offering me work and/or mentorship. If I had been more "whole" in my mindset, I know I could have taken much greater advantage of the help that was offered. Instead, it was kind of like offering someone the chance to go skiing or to Six Flags, but the day comes and they're in bed with a violent case of the stomach flu. They just can't take you up on it. Even if they wanted to, and even if they dragged themselves out of bed, they'd just be miserable all day and not be able to take full advantage of the trip the way a healthy person would (and indeed, they might actually experience low-grade trauma over the very thing that was supposed to be fun).

I want to keep this in mind for when I'm in a better place and I'm reaching out to people coming behind me to give them a hand. Based on knowing how it felt to BE that person who was struggling, I think these principles are good to keep in mind:

1. Being compassionate goes further than the RAH-RAH GaryV-style hype. I'm not talking about limp-wristed, namby-pamby "compassion" that's essentially the same as condoning bad behavior. I mean things like, "Hey, I see you. It sounds like you're struggling. Sorry that this is hard. Have you been drinking enough water recently? Are you getting enough nutrition and sleep? Take good care of yourself. You've got this. I believe in you. Just do the next step."
   
   
2. Baby steps might have to be broken down smaller than you think.
   
   
3. Just because someone isn't quite ready to be helped doesn't mean that they can't do ANYTHING towards a better position. Even if someone is not ready to take full action the way you could, they'll still benefit if they attempt SOMETHING.
   
   
4. Be patient when people's own internal barriers lead them to make frustratingly inept choices. It's SO tempting to throw up your hands and write someone off when this happens. Instead, point their focus back to the goal and to any viable action step that is available.
   
   
5. Maybe you do need to set boundaries if someone truly isn't getting it and it's becoming a waste of your time. For example, "Looks like you're not quite ready to do this step. Let me know when you finally are, and I'll be here for you at that point." Leaving the door open for when that litmus test is passed can be a good way to balance the competing pull of wanting to help but not seeing that person do their part.
   
   
6. Sometimes people might be in a position in life where they legitimately need the structure and outside accountability that comes with a job. There's no shame in this. It can be a good way to regroup and still at least pull in an income while they are getting back into the saddle mentally.
   
   
7. Setting goals is not necessarily helpful. It just feels like an exercise in futility to that person. While they might comply outwardly ("Sure, I'll write down a SMART goal"), internally they may be thinking, "I'll either hit it or I won't, and the existence of the goal isn't going to contribute anything towards my likelihood of success." What's more helpful is just exercising a repetitive sequence of [Identify the next action] > [Do that] > [Repeat]. Even if the larger goal takes shape very slowly, this at least helps the person to develop the default pattern of taking action.
   
   
8. Uncovering the reason for blockages is super helpful. "Why am I feeling stuck right now? What fear is underneath this resistance? Is there a cognitive distortion in my thinking? What unhelpful belief is contributing to my lack of action? Do I feel ashamed of myself for something and is that causing paralysis?" Just labeling the mental baggage is a great first step toward seeing it for what it is and getting rid of it.
   
   
9. If there is a high-intensity constant stressor in the person's daily environment, such as a special needs child or a significant health issue or a toxic relationship, then they have to either get rid of that stressor, or else, if it's going to stay for whatever reason, they have to be absolutely ruthless about eliminating other sources of stress, even if they're "minor." Anything that takes a toll on your mental health needs to go. As an analogy, my purse is not that big or that heavy. I always carry it into the store with me. But when I was on crutches for a sprained ankle, I stopped carrying my purse into stores because it was too much. It's the same concept with mental health. Cut loose any and all optional things that are mildly stressful. You don't have the luxury not to.
   
   
10. I think we can all see examples around us of people who are exactly where they are in life because of bad choices, poor mindsets, and unhelpful behaviors. But someone's prior track record does not have to be the final verdict on their future possibilities. There's always hope that someone can change, see the light, and take different actions. They have to be the ones who want it, of course. And they ultimately have to be the ones who do the work to get there. But being part of their support network is a wonderful gift to offer them.

I'd be curious to hear others' thoughts. Have you tried to help someone who wasn't ready to be helped? What has worked or not worked for you?

I am particularly touched after reading your post. he gave me another way to see things from another angle when it comes to helping/solving someone/problem.

 

[AceVentures]

Wow... this hit home with me. Read it last night and have been reflecting on it since.

More than one forum member gave me a leg up in the form of offering me work and/or mentorship. If I had been more "whole" in my mindset, I know I could have taken much greater advantage of the help that was offered.

I cringe thinking about some of the DM's I exchanged with members on this forum that genuinely tried to help me when I wasn't ready or capable of being helped. I left some members on read, I never followed up with several others, and I also wasted precious advice by opting for comfort. It hurts to know this, but I feel a sense of relief by being able to relate with you.

6. Sometimes people might be in a position in life where they legitimately need the structure and outside accountability that comes with a job. There's no shame in this. It can be a good way to regroup and still at least pull in an income while they are getting back into the saddle mentally.

This point you make is so profound. I left my job over 2 years ago, and it's been a hell of a ride trying to keep everything in order. This is definitely an aspect of entrepreneurship that needs to be reiterated, because not everybody is ready to "be free". You might lose yourself in the unknown, I know I have and still do at times.

What's more helpful is just exercising a repetitive sequence of [Identify the next action] > [Do that] > [Repeat]. Even if the larger goal takes shape very slowly, this at least helps the person to develop the default pattern of taking action.

Yes! This framework has been infinitely more useful for me than trying to plan too far ahead. The latter tends to create more paralysis for me than propel action.

8. Uncovering the reason for blockages is super helpful. "Why am I feeling stuck right now? What fear is underneath this resistance? Is there a cognitive distortion in my thinking? What unhelpful belief is contributing to my lack of action? Do I feel ashamed of myself for something and is that causing paralysis?" Just labeling the mental baggage is a great first step toward seeing it for what it is and getting rid of it.

Not being able to live up to the expectations I set for myself creates a feeling of shame - this shame makes me retreat further within and makes it even harder to ask for help.

I know your post and this thread were created to identify how to help someone who isn't ready to be helped, but I feel it carries many lessons for those who themselves are incapable of being helped. Your post has helped me recognize my own shortcomings and to see myself in many of the lessons you've learned. Most importantly, your writeup has encouraged me to allow myself to be more vulnerable and honest.

Thank you.

 

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[Antifragile]

I'd be curious to hear others' thoughts. Have you tried to help someone who wasn't ready to be helped? What has worked or not worked for you?

I am glad you made a new thread on this. It seems to be helping people already! And you do have a gift for writing.
Here are my thoughts:

It is often said that you can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped. This is true in many ways. Just as an oil tanker can't make a sudden turn, a person struggling with poor habits can't just snap out of it.

Change takes time, patience and consistency. It's important to be there for someone day after day, even when they don't seem to be making any progress. Just as a small nudge can eventually lead an oil tanker to change direction and destination, your help can make a big difference in someone's life.

Weak people walk away from those who need help, but strong people know that everyone deserves a chance. No one can drag you down with them if you don't let them. So don't give up on someone just because they're struggling. You never know when your help will make all the difference.