Your advice for someone who is generally disrespected but always dreamed of big things for himself in life

[Anon3114]

I have bad relations with people around. People often disrespect me, publicly humiliate me.
Some people did go after me because of me being an easy target to make fun of.
I do have poor social skills.

However.
Since I was a child I always dreamed of more freedom, having great life and all that is associated with being independent in every aspect of life.

Now I do not like where I live, disinterested in people from neighborhood (because of their lifestyles and views on life).

I long for a community, but I feel lost and out of place.

I never wished anything bad for even those who stepped on me - I just feel bad hurting anyone, even saying mean things makes me feeling less valuable as a human.

I currently started reading the Fastlane book to find out if fastlane is achievable for me.

Those of you who live the fastlane, and if you want to give me some advice... is there anyone here who relates to me when starting your journey?

 

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[Andy Black]

I long for a community, but I feel lost and out of place.

Welcome. You've found one.

to find out if fastlane is achievable for me

It is. It's mindset first.

Maybe check out MJ's thread:

• GOLD! - From Flat-Broke to Financial Freedom: How to Get Started When You Have No Money

... and the first couple of rows of links in my signature.

 

[ZackerySprague]

I think what you are trying to do is great for yourself. I'm sorry that people are stepping on you and making fun of you. I use to be a huge introvert growing up, afraid of connecting with others. I was that person who was always on the computer to a degree I understand where you are coming from. I had poor social skills to, I learned to grow these by working at a Sonic Drive-In as a carhop lol.

I think you are stepping in the right direction in terms understanding your current environment and relationships. This is something, I too, are learning at this moment.

Thanks to MJ, I understand that the current relationships that I have today with certain individuals who will not help me if we were in a battle.

If you ever need someone to connect to, who has also felt lost in the past, I would be glad to give you a ping.

Don't feel lost, you have value, every human has value. We just have to decided and learn when to cut ties with people who do not have our best interest at heart, even if it means cutting times with old friends and family (by blood).

I recently got out of my comfort zone to go to a network meet up in Downtown Fort Worth. Definitely scary when you haven't meet new people in awhile locally, but it was a great challenge. A challenge to prove that I too, can become someone else that my personal network does not know and I to can connect with others.

Don't lost faith, don't lose hope, we all can achieve what is that we want. We just have to believe and take the necessary steps to get there. It's a journey, but it's a journey for a better you.

We all have cards that have been dealt to us, we just need to learn how to be beat the game. Even if the odds look very bleak.

Fight for your life, fight for who you want to be. By the end of the day, you will become better than the people who pick on you, and you will have the last laugh, not them. You, just remember that.

Look up, always look up. Be kind to yourself. You are doing great!

Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful day,
Zackery.

 

[Itizn]

Step one: Man Up

 

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[MoneyDoc]

Listen man. Stop caring about what others say or think of you. Forget them. Worry about yourself. Let them talk while you progress. You can't change humans, but you can change your environment. Some "friends" humiliating you in front of other friends? Leave. Cousins disrespecting you or envying you? Leave. Don't want to go somewhere with a group of people? Don't. Not in the mood to go to that family gathering? Don't.

I can't tell you how much this mindset shift of "I don't care about what others think of me" has helped me personally... "oh the money changed him!". Okay, so what? "oh anyone can finance a car and pay $4000/month!". Okay, so do it. "oh he probably got help from his rich friends Dad". Okay, what have you done? "oh I would never pay that much for a car". Okay, don't. "oh I rather go on vacation than spend $10k on a watch". Okay, go on vacation. "oh he sells drugs for sure!". Okay? "oh he thinks he's better than us". Okay, and?

You see my point? People will ALWAYS talk. It's just how you digest and respond to that talk that matters. Don't clog your head with useless people and cheap talk as sooner or later, it's going to take a toll on you and you'll just get distracted from stuff that really matters.

 

[Fox]

I have bad relations with people around. People often disrespect me, publicly humiliate me.
Some people did go after me because of me being an easy target to make fun of.
I do have poor social skills.

However.
Since I was a child I always dreamed of more freedom, having great life and all that is associated with being independent in every aspect of life.

Now I do not like where I live, disinterested in people from neighborhood (because of their lifestyles and views on life).

I long for a community, but I feel lost and out of place.

I never wished anything bad for even those who stepped on me - I just feel bad hurting anyone, even saying mean things makes me feeling less valuable as a human.

I currently started reading the Fastlane book to find out if fastlane is achievable for me.

Those of you who live the fastlane, and if you want to give me some advice... is there anyone here who relates to me when starting your journey?

If people openly disrespect you a lot, then I would say you are giving out some kind of "prey" signal.
A lot of this has to do with how you present yourself and your vibe/body language.

I would say joining some activities like boxing, the gym, sports clubs etc. will help a lot.
You will put on some muscle size and help you to become more confident in yourself and being around others.

Along with that, set the goal to move out of your current environment - it sounds like an upgrade in where you live will be another solid move.

And finally, just stick in there; a lot can change over a year or two with consistent action and focus - you can do it.

 

[Johnny boy]

How the F*ck could you be disrespected and treated like shit and still be a limp wristed baby who doesn’t want to hurt anyone?

When I was a loser 17 year old I would get disrespected and think

I could
1. Kill this person
Or
2. Become jacked and rich and forget this person ever existed until I show up to the school reunion in 10 years and laugh

I owe a lot of my success to being extremely easy to piss off when I was 17-21.

Now that things are much better, I’ve lost a bit of that edge, and I sorta miss it.

It blows my mind how you wouldn’t be furious about your current situation.

 

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[Fox]

It blows my mind how you wouldn’t be furious about your current situation.

100%.

But I would guess that this is from something like low T / drugs / video games / porn etc.
And that is not a personal jab at the OP, but this is how most guys are now.

Cause as Johnny is saying, this should be giving you a lot of fuel to change things and improve your situation.
But you can only use it as fuel if you engage with it and remove whatever is numbing this out.

Go get jacked, get around some high-quality people, and get your fitness/lifestyle/diet in order.

 

[Anon3114]

Maybe check out MJ's thread:

• GOLD! - From Flat-Broke to Financial Freedom: How to Get Started When You Have No Money

And the first couple of rows of links in my signature.

Thank you Andy for your time. Those are now on my list.

 

[Anon3114]

Step one: Man Up

That's a priority. Thanks

 

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[heavy_industry]

• Stop being a victim
• Stop any pathological behaviors
• Train hard
• Build muscle
• Build skills
• Build a career
• Build a business
• Get rich
• Move to a better environment
• Help others

But it all starts with stopping being a victim.
Unfortunately it's within human nature to want to attack the weak. Not everybody has this instinct, but enough people do (1%-10% of the population). If you play the victim, you will very soon find an aggressor, regardless of the environment you find yourself in.

Being weak is not a virtue.
Being strong and having control over yourself, and doing good to the world is a virtue.

 

[Anon3114]

Stop caring about what others say or think of you. Forget them. Worry about yourself. Let them talk while you progress.

I'll do that. Especially the last part of it.

People will ALWAYS talk. It's just how you digest and respond to that talk that matters. Don't clog your head with useless people and cheap talk as sooner or later, it's going to take a toll on you and you'll just get distracted from stuff that really matters.

Lately i fought a lot with people to set some boundaries and it worked, but as you said it totally distracted me.
However, it was worth it - now I created some space for myself that some people don't invade anymore.

Thank you for taking time to respond, I really appreciate it. I'll definitely set boundaries so I can be more focused on building the life I want.

 

[UK_Mike]

I have bad relations with people around. People often disrespect me, publicly humiliate me.
Some people did go after me because of me being an easy target to make fun of.

If that isn't an extra reason to make a success out of something, anything, I don't know what is. The ability to rub their noses in it is very motivating. Even though everyone else's advice is much more worthwhile - forget about what other people think. If they're toxic, and you can, drop them. Or at least tune them out for a bit.

 

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[Anon3114]

If people openly disrespect you a lot, then I would say you are giving out some kind of "prey" signal.

I really don't want to send this kind of signals. That's definitely to work on and get rid of.

You will put on some muscle size and help you to become more confident in yourself and being around others.

Confidence is what I'd like to have more of. Muscle size might help with that, I always wanted to hit the gym on a regular basis. Tried once but I was ridiculed and gave up on that. I gave up too easy. Shit, I can't believe now how easily I gave up on that one.

set the goal to move out of your current environment - it sounds like an upgrade in where you live will be another solid move.

That's one of my goals.

But I would guess that this is from something like low T / drugs / video games / porn etc.

Escapism, unhealthy eating, not exercising.

Edit: Thank you for the time you spent to answer. I'm really grateful.

 

[Fox]

I really don't want to send this kind of signals. That's definitely to work on and get rid of.


Confidence is what I'd like to have more of. Muscle size might help with that, I always wanted to hit the gym on a regular basis. Tried once but I was ridiculed and gave up on that. I gave up too easy. Shit, I can't believe now how easily I gave up on that one.


That's one of my goals.


Escapism, unhealthy eating, not exercising.

Ya, just start lifting now and make it a consistent habit.

You literally can't trust your own mind if you are low T and living that way - it will impact everything from your actions to your own internal dialogue.

Also, where you live sounds brutal - I don't get how you are picking up so much hate like this.

So start switching stuff up right away and get around some solid people who can mentor and guide you along the path.

 

[Anon3114]

• Stop being a victim
• Stop any pathological behaviors
• Train hard
• Build muscle
• Build skills
• Build a career
• Build a business
• Get rich
• Move to a better environment
• Help others

All these are now on the list of my goals.

Unfortunately it's within human nature to want to attack the weak. If you play the victim, you will very soon find an aggressor, regardless of the environment you find yourself in.

Being weak is not a virtue.
Being strong and having control over yourself, and doing good to the world is a virtue.

That is very true. It's what I discovered in myself when joined the forum - it's visible even in the language I use. Gotta get rid of that mindset.

Thank you for taking the time to write these words.

 

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[Anon3114]

Ya, just start lifting now and make it a consistent habit.

You literally can't trust your own mind if you are low T and living that way - it will impact everything from your actions to your own internal dialogue.

Also, where you live sounds brutal - I don't get how you are picking up so much hate like this.

So start switching stuff up right away and get around some solid people who can mentor and guide you along the path.

Thank you Fox. It's time for some fundamental changes for me.


Yesterday I wasn't sure of starting this thread. Now I am reading some precious feedback on the things I really need to work on.

 

[Timmy C]

100%.

But I would guess that this is from something like low T / drugs / video games / porn etc.
And that is not a personal jab at the OP, but this is how most guys are now.

Cause as Johnny is saying, this should be giving you a lot of fuel to change things and improve your situation.
But you can only use it as fuel if you engage with it and remove whatever is numbing this out.

Go get jacked, get around some high-quality people, and get your fitness/lifestyle/diet in order.

Porn is a huge one. No one talks about it, but my housemate used to have a big problem with it the same as me.

Just this alone and moving somewhere new he should see a 10x improvement in his energy, aswell as walking around with less shame. = more confidence.

 

[heavy_industry]

@robins
One more thing:
The fact that you acknowledged your problem, took personal responsibility for it, asked for help, and accepted the advice given to you are all very solid signs that you have started to change and there is a very high probability that you will succeed.

Take things one step at a time, but make continual progress.

As @Andy Black said, you're in exactly the right place on this forum. Here you will receive plenty of support and information that you can use to get to the next level in your life. But it's all on you to make it happen.

 

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[Jerma]

I think your problem is that you have weak boundaries. If you have weak boundaries, some people will sense that and walk all over you. That's probably the "signal" that people pick up on. You can fix that with some work. How to set boundaries

 

[Andy Black]

A good (but long) book is “Give and Take” by Adam Grant. I listened on Audible. Maybe there’s a book summary on YouTube too.

Myself and @Kak discuss it a bit on his podcast here:

• Kak & Andy discuss the importance of building relationships in business

I’m an introvert, quiet in groups, and like helping people. But I don’t get taken advantage of (at least I don’t think so).

My advice is to get good at something that people find super valuable. So good they come to you. Then you can be quietly and supremely confident in your ability to eat what you kill.

When you know you can put food on the table at will then your whole mindset, self-confidence, and demeanour will change.

People can detect whether you need them more than they need you. Make it so you don’t “need” anyones permission, approval, or even admiration.

I’m skinny enough but when I was going to the gym my cross-fit junkie brother said I was one of those “gym rats” - goes in, does his session, leaves.

If you put many of the people who replied to this thread in your situation, even skinny old dudes like me, then those folks annoying you wouldn’t bother us. They’d detect we don’t gaf, or will bite back, or don’t even notice them.

 

[Henderson]

Hey mate!

I am sorry to hear that you have been disrespected all your life. It is good that you 'dream of big things in your life'. This can be your north star guiding you actions.

However, this should not be your immediate goal. Baby steps.

If you have the financial means I can only encourage you to seek out a therapist. Your OP seems to show that you have issues with self-esteem and boundaries (which is a child to self-esteem). So, if you are not familiar with therapy terminology I suggest you find a counselor that is using CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy).

There are a few things you can do today. Working out and martial arts training could be beneficial. They are definitely not sufficient. In some cases, they can do you harm - If you enter the wrong gym with a fragile ego and train with some tough bros it will damage your self-esteem even more.

There is a concept in psychology that is called learned helplessness. On the opposite, you can build you positive bank account with daily action to arrive at learned optimism.

This is not some kind of The Secret style of wishful thinking BS but something that will help you to develop a sense of self-efficacy.

1. Record your wins
Grab a notebook and write down everything that you can think of that you have accomplished. I don't give a F*ck if it's doing the laundry or winning a Laurel award. Those are the first small deposits into your positive bank account.

2. On a daily basis you need to journal - This can be quick notes on three things (start small)
E - Efforts you put in somewhere during the day
S - Success you realized during the day
P- Performance you improved somewhere

The goal is to reflect daily on your wins. For the negative things? Forget them! This is called selective thinking. We want to focus on the thing that fire you up. The things that create energy, optimism, and enthusiasm.

Hall of farmer Tony Gwynn did this after every game by creating a video file with all his bats and good reads on the pitch. And all the bad decisions and strikes? Deleted! That is effective mental filtering.

3. Go through @MJ DeMarco's 10/5/1 planning process. You need a clearer vision that is more precise than big things in life. Write it down. Mental images of the future create a cascade of neural impulses that affect your nervous system.

4. Establish a daily habit system that drives you towards goals from point three. I have found that @MJ DeMarco's daily planner PDF is a great start.

5. Create personal mantras and practice them every day. It works for the Navy Seals. It will work for you. DM me if you need help with this.

This is 365 days per-year practice. UC Santa Barbara psychologist David Sherman said it best "by doing those practices you are building an overarching narrative of the self's adequacy."

I am a performance psychologist working with combat athletes, military operators, and business leaders. Let me assure you that everyone has anxiety, that uncertainty is part of life, and so are imperfections.

Also, there is a misunderstanding of confidence - In 99% of the cases, it's highly contextual. You can be a cleaner in one area of your life but shy and introverted in another area. It's fine and normal.

Good Luck!

 

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[Anon3114]

Just this alone and moving somewhere new he should see a 10x improvement in his energy, aswell as walking around with less shame. = more confidence.

Moving somewhere new seems like a right move. It now becomes a priority in my future plans.
Not being confident feels for me like being a fake or something, definitely does not suit me mentally.

Thank you for your words.

 

[Anon3114]

Take things one step at a time, but make continual progress.

As @Andy Black said, you're in exactly the right place on this forum. Here you will receive plenty of support and information that you can use to get to the next level in your life. But it's all on you to make it happen.

I'll stick to the forum as long as I'm making progress.

After reading feedback in this thread I feel that it's more rational to think that I haven't reached even one percent of what's possible for me IF I get my shit together and take responsibility for how I approach my life.

 

[Anon3114]

I think your problem is that you have weak boundaries. If you have weak boundaries, some people will sense that and walk all over you. That's probably the "signal" that people pick up on. You can fix that with some work. How to set boundaries

Thank you Jerma. That's true, because until now there were basically no solid boundaries established by me. Sooner or later it worked against me.

Thank you for the link and for taking your time here. I really appreciate your willingness to answer even though I am relatively new to the forum.

 

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[Anon3114]

A good (but long) book is “Give and Take” by Adam Grant. I listened on Audible. Maybe there’s a book summary on YouTube too.

Myself and @Kak discuss it a bit on his podcast here:

• Kak & Andy discuss the importance of building relationships in business

I'll look for that book and I'll listen to the episode as well.

My advice is to get good at something that people find super valuable. So good they come to you. Then you can be quietly and supremely confident in your ability to eat what you kill.

When you know you can put food on the table at will then your whole mindset, self-confidence, and demeanour will change.

People can detect whether you need them more than they need you. Make it so you don’t “need” anyones permission, approval, or even admiration.

I don't know yet what it will be for me, but I'll definitely do that. Knowing you mastered something must be an important factor for building confidence.

 

[Anon3114]

This can be your north star guiding you actions.

However, this should not be your immediate goal. Baby steps.

I know that it's a well established part of me, however I want to use it as a fuel and not as an excuse. @Johnny boy summed it pretty well a few posts above -- I need it to be my fuel along adopting some of the daily practices you mentioned in your reply.

This is 365 days per-year practice. UC Santa Barbara psychologist David Sherman said it best "by doing those practices you are building an overarching narrative of the self's adequacy."

I am a performance psychologist working with combat athletes, military operators, and business leaders. Let me assure you that everyone has anxiety, that uncertainty is part of life, and so are imperfections.

There's a ton of personal work ahead of me from what I read in replies, so doing it on a daily basis seems like the only reasonable approach if I want to see a significant results.

3. Go through @MJ DeMarco's 10/5/1 planning process. You need a clearer vision that is more precise than big things in life. Write it down. Mental images of the future create a cascade of neural impulses that affect your nervous system.

4. Establish a daily habit system that drives you towards goals from point three. I have found that @MJ DeMarco's daily planner PDF is a great start.

I got printed MJ's daily planner in front of me now. The 10/5/1 planning process is my task for the upcoming weekend.

Thank you for spending some your precious time here. I appreciate every word you wrote.

 

[iivalky]

I have bad relations with people around. People often disrespect me, publicly humiliate me.
Some people did go after me because of me being an easy target to make fun of.
I do have poor social skills.

However.
Since I was a child I always dreamed of more freedom, having great life and all that is associated with being independent in every aspect of life.

Now I do not like where I live, disinterested in people from neighborhood (because of their lifestyles and views on life).

I long for a community, but I feel lost and out of place.

I never wished anything bad for even those who stepped on me - I just feel bad hurting anyone, even saying mean things makes me feeling less valuable as a human.

I currently started reading the Fastlane book to find out if fastlane is achievable for me.

Those of you who live the fastlane, and if you want to give me some advice... is there anyone here who relates to me when starting your journey?

You have to surround yourself with the right kinds of people (great step in the right direction by joining TFF). Don't let the haters get into you and never take the things they say to heart - especially if you have a bad relation with them.

Through my career I have seen haters and people who tried to bring me down with them, all I did was ignore them and move on. Now, those haters are likely still where they began and have made no progress in life - You can't let these kinds of people control what you do in yours.

 

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[starttoday123]

In my experience, it's a process of separating from people and growing and reconnecting with them in new and better ways once you've developed yourself in certain ways and are ready. So don't worry too much about the level of the problems but keep working on the solutions whatever those are for you. So you have difficult relationships with people now, but have you improved on how you communicate in the last few years? You seem like you have a growth mindset and work on yourself so I would guess yes? You've got this!

Also this quote comes to mind
"Your dreams are meant to pull you forward through your fears."
- Mel Robbins.

 

[Jeannen]

I have bad relations with people around. People often disrespect me, publicly humiliate me.
Some people did go after me because of me being an easy target to make fun of.
I do have poor social skills.

However.
Since I was a child I always dreamed of more freedom, having great life and all that is associated with being independent in every aspect of life.

Now I do not like where I live, disinterested in people from neighborhood (because of their lifestyles and views on life).

I long for a community, but I feel lost and out of place.

I never wished anything bad for even those who stepped on me - I just feel bad hurting anyone, even saying mean things makes me feeling less valuable as a human.

I currently started reading the Fastlane book to find out if fastlane is achievable for me.

Those of you who live the fastlane, and if you want to give me some advice... is there anyone here who relates to me when starting your journey?

I was the nerd in middle school. Easy to bully, easy to make fun of, so people did it.

Might not sound relevant, but start going to the gym. That made an absolute difference to me. I always was super skinny and was ashamed of myself. Now, I'm heavier (+30kg since I started in 2015), and people now treat me differently.
Of course, it's not only about physical appearance, I also became better mentally, but still. That's where I would start, and move out of this place as soon as possible.


Learn new skills (marketing/selling + programming are super valuable), become stronger (physically and mentally) and create value.