Your advice for someone who is generally disrespected but always dreamed of big things for himself in life

[Anon3114]

Don't let the haters get into you and never take the things they say to heart - especially if you have a bad relation with them.

That's something new for me -- always took things personally.

Through my career I have seen haters and people who tried to bring me down with them, all I did was ignore them and move on. Now, those haters are likely still where they began and have made no progress in life - You can't let these kinds of people control what you do in yours.

It makes sense to me now. I'll strive to develop a thick skin.
Thank you for taking your time to write these words.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Anon3114]

So you have difficult relationships with people now, but have you improved on how you communicate in the last few years? You seem like you have a growth mindset and work on yourself so I would guess yes? You've got this!

I did improve a lot, but that's not enough for me -- i see a lot to improve in order to communicate more effectively with people. So that we can achieve more together instead of just me doing my thing -- it just makes more sense to me now.
But only a handful of people are worth my time, the vast majority just try to entertain themselves at the expense of my inner peace.
Thank you for taking your time to write these words.

 

[Anon3114]

Might not sound relevant, but start going to the gym.

That's relevant for sure -- it's a recurring theme here at the forum to take care of the body early in the process to increase my chances for success.

Learn new skills (marketing/selling + programming are super valuable), become stronger (physically and mentally) and create value.

Lots of learning ahead of me. Great for me since I was always learning something -- but this time I'll consciously channel this energy into learning skills that will ultimately give me the future I want for myself.

Thank you for taking your time to write these words.

 

[Ronnie Bryan]

• Stop being a victim
• Stop any pathological behaviors
• Train hard
• Build muscle
• Build skills
• Build a career
• Build a business
• Get rich
• Move to a better environment
• Help others

But it all starts with stopping being a victim.
Unfortunately it's within human nature to want to attack the weak. Not everybody has this instinct, but enough people do (1%-10% of the population). If you play the victim, you will very soon find an aggressor, regardless of the environment you find yourself in.

Being weak is not a virtue.
Being strong and having control over yourself, and doing good to the world is a virtue.

Good advice thank you for sharing

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[FastNAwesome]

OP, to try to have any context, I checked out your intro post, which says you're in your early thirties.

At that point, I think you really shouldn't need to put up with anyone's bulls**t. Move away from those you don't want to be around.

For many folks in their thirties, the issue is they have less and less friends, as anyone worth their salt by that time is getting busy by their own life, family, business, work.

Which speaks even more about what kind of losers those who disrespect you are.

So what's issue for most, can be actually an advantage for you. You want to not have these "friends". You want to move on.

And plenty of cool folks also want new friends. Some of them go to meetups, hiking, music festivals, holidays, different courses.

So - you go too. And just be that person that gives the first smile and says the first "Hi!", and take it from there.

About workout...

Lots of great advice in this thread.
I'd like to add something practical, and actually suggest: don't go to the gym!

Not at this point. You could easily injure yourself by lifting too heavy, develope muscular imbalances (as weight lifting requires knowledge too), and attract more bullshit, which you won't know how to address, as your muscles would be all show, no skill.

Seems you need increase in both fitness and social aptness, so maybe you'd benefit from a sport where you'll be training:

- Regularly
It will change your physique and your mindset much faster, and much better. Even after your first training, you'll be so exhausted (and feeling good), that you'll already care much less about time wasters. And you'll start meeting new friends. And your confidence will be increasing.

- Supervised
It seems you have no experience with sports, and even the best of the best have coaches. Someone to guide you, to correct you, and to yell at you when you're not getting it. This will also help in thickening your skin, and you'll start welcoming feedback, as you'll want to improve. It will be even more humbling as you're an older dude. Just take it.

- Together with others
Making friends, and also competing with them. You do become who you hang out with, so be around athletes. Sure seems like much better option than losers from your description. There will be banter, there will be competition, there will be jokes thrown your way to see if you can catch, and throw one right back.

And you'll learn how to handle all this, you'll become one of these guys, and maybe you'll also go out toghether or travel or hike together sometime.

Actually, you may even be the one who will suggest it.

All this will make you stronger, happier and busier. Too busy to waste time on those who are not worth it. You can add weights later, to keep and add muscle mass.

* None of this is advice, I'm a random idiot on the internet who got injured plenty doing sports.

 

[Anon3114]

About workout...

Lots of great advice in this thread.
I'd like to add something practical, and actually suggest: don't go to the gym!

Not at this point. You could easily injure yourself by lifting too heavy, develope muscular imbalances (as weight lifting requires knowledge too), and attract more bullshit, which you won't know how to address, as your muscles would be all show, no skill.

Seems you need increase in both fitness and social aptness, so maybe you'd benefit from a sport where you'll be training:

- Regularly
It will change your physique and your mindset much faster, and much better. Even after your first training, you'll be so exhausted (and feeling good), that you'll already care much less about time wasters. And you'll start meeting new friends. And your confidence will be increasing.

- Supervised
It seems you have no experience with sports, and even the best of the best have coaches. Someone to guide you, to correct you, and to yell at you when you're not getting it. This will also help in thickening your skin, and you'll start welcoming feedback, as you'll want to improve. It will be even more humbling as you're an older dude. Just take it.

- Together with others
Making friends, and also competing with them. You do become who you hang out with, so be around athletes. Sure seems like much better option than losers from your description. There will be banter, there will be competition, there will be jokes thrown your way to see if you can catch, and throw one right back.

And you'll learn how to handle all this, you'll become one of these guys, and maybe you'll also go out toghether or travel or hike together sometime.

I'll definitely give it a thought -- if I go to the gym, I won't go by myself, because I tried once with a list of exercises to do, and I was lost as hell, even though I partially did this session and was pretty prepared with what I specifically wanted to do.

Do you have any suggestions what team activity it might be if I'm not too athletic but not obese either?

All this will make you stronger, happier and busier. Too busy to waste time on those who are not worth it.

It's really what I'd eventually wish for myself.

Thank you @FastNAwesome for stopping by and leaving some feedback, I appreciate that.

 

[Damien Boss]

I have bad relations with people around. People often disrespect me, publicly humiliate me.
Some people did go after me because of me being an easy target to make fun of.
I do have poor social skills.

However.
Since I was a child I always dreamed of more freedom, having great life and all that is associated with being independent in e

Welcome to the forum. I wish all the positive energy here motivates you to be someone better, I think you're a good person and this forum has so much to offer to you.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Rangermac2]

I have bad relations with people around. People often disrespect me, publicly humiliate me.
Some people did go after me because of me being an easy target to make fun of.
I do have poor social skills.

However.
Since I was a child I always dreamed of more freedom, having great life and all that is associated with being independent in every aspect of life.

Now I do not like where I live, disinterested in people from neighborhood (because of their lifestyles and views on life).

I long for a community, but I feel lost and out of place.

I never wished anything bad for even those who stepped on me - I just feel bad hurting anyone, even saying mean things makes me feeling less valuable as a human.

I currently started reading the Fastlane book to find out if fastlane is achievable for me.

Those of you who live the fastlane, and if you want to give me some advice... is there anyone here who relates to me when starting your journey?

Biggest thing that happens is ridicule. I'm with you, when you have ideas and express them to the Scripted they reject and ridicule your ideas because they don't find it viable or find another excuse as to why it isn't going to succeed. Best thing to do is keep your ideas to yourself, close family, and fellow Entrepreneurs. All of which will respect you and should help you through your journey. There's a reason seedlings have to be frost hardy, if they can get through the initial cold they grow to become beautiful plants. Same goes for ideas, and creation.

One suggestion for social skills book is "How to Win Friends and Influence Others" By Dale Carnegie. It really helped me in understanding and connecting with people. Mix that with Fastlane and Unscripted and you and your dreams will be unstoppable!

 

[FastNAwesome]

I do have some thoughts, but wouldn't wanna give any advice, as I'm not good advisor to myself even

I'd say, do a search for a list of team sports.

Then figure out what you may like.

 

[Anon3114]

Welcome to the forum. I wish all the positive energy here motivates you to be someone better, I think you're a good person and this forum has so much to offer to you.

Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate your positive attitude.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Anon3114]

when you have ideas and express them to the Scripted they reject and ridicule your ideas

You just pointed out to me the Unscripted book is a next must read for me.

One suggestion for social skills book is "How to Win Friends and Influence Others" By Dale Carnegie. It really helped me in understanding and connecting with people. Mix that with Fastlane and Unscripted and you and your dreams will be unstoppable!

Thanks for the recommendations, I appreciate each of the books.

I did skip through the How to win friends book a few times, never really giving it too much of attention -- i guess it's time to take it more seriously this time. I'm currently reading the MJ's Fastlane book, and I put the Unscripted on my reading list.

Thank you for the constructive feedback, a lot of positive energy here.

 

[Rangermac2]

You just pointed out to me the Unscripted book is a next must read for me.

Thanks for the recommendations, I appreciate each of the books.

I did skip through the How to win friends book a few times, never really giving it too much of attention -- i guess it's time to take it more seriously this time. I'm currently reading the MJ's Fastlane book, and I put the Unscripted on my reading list.

Thank you for the constructive feedback, a lot of positive energy here.

Yeah I gotcha, if you thoroughly absorb these books and what they have to say paying close attention then you'll easily be able to apply the concepts. I began applying How to Win Friends book in my Junior year of HS and it was great! Outside of that I've been applying Fastlane and Unscripted and I've found fulfilling aspects to what I have begun to work in my journey!

You're definitely on the right track trying to ask and reflect around your characteristics rather than blame it on external factors solely such as saying "they don't like me and there's nothing that can be done" you've taken some time to reflect and see where you can expand and grow! From what I've understood that's a very important part of being an Entrepreneur.

"Notice that the stiffest tree is easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending in the Wind" - Bruce Lee. Which if I'm not wrong is what MJ quoted in Unscripted

 

[Anon3114]

Although you won't compete (I guess) I prefer clubs which have results, as it hints at a degree of competence and dedication, and that it's not just a gig for them.

That's a good point, I'd appreciate competence even at a bit higher cost.

Go to one training just to see how it looks. No need to participate, just watch from the side, and feel the atmosphere.

Another good point, didn't thought about that.

Rock climbing sounds interesting even though I never did it. I guess I'll have to try out different activities until I stick to something. Thank you

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Anon3114]

You're definitely on the right track trying to ask and reflect around your characteristics rather than blame it on external factors solely such as saying

It's definitely hard to admit some of your own mistakes without looking for someone or something to blame. It's like switching from passenger to a driver of a car.

Some of my responses to different situations needed my decision. Those decisions took me to where I am now. Lack of decision is also a decision to let other factors control your outcome.

 

[Rangermac2]

That's a good point, I'd appreciate competence even at a bit higher cost.


Another good point, didn't thought about that.

Rock climbing sounds interesting even though I never did it. I guess I'll have to try out different activities until I stick to something. Thank you

Another fun one is Kayaking you could try that. Maybe someone you knows has kayaks and you could try it out before buying one

 

[Anon3114]

Another fun one is Kayaking you could try that. Maybe someone you knows has kayaks and you could try it out before buying one

Not an option for me right now but I'll keep that one in mind for future. I'd like to experience kayaking at least once.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Rangermac2]

Not an option for me right now but I'll keep that one in mind for future. I'd like to experience kayaking at least once.

Yeah Man! Whenever you get the opportunity you should try. I hadn't tried it till this summer. You could look at painting too for fun if you want something chill and you're still exercising the brain

 

[Patryk.]

Yeah Man! Whenever you get the opportunity you should try. I hadn't tried it till this summer. You could look at painting too for fun if you want something chill and you're still exercising the brain

And if he do that the next level will be Stand Up Paddle

 

[FIFL]

Hey mate!

I am sorry to hear that you have been disrespected all your life. It is good that you 'dream of big things in your life'. This can be your north star guiding you actions.

However, this should not be your immediate goal. Baby steps.

If you have the financial means I can only encourage you to seek out a therapist. Your OP seems to show that you have issues with self-esteem and boundaries (which is a child to self-esteem). So, if you are not familiar with therapy terminology I suggest you find a counselor that is using CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy).

There are a few things you can do today. Working out and martial arts training could be beneficial. They are definitely not sufficient. In some cases, they can do you harm - If you enter the wrong gym with a fragile ego and train with some tough bros it will damage your self-esteem even more.

There is a concept in psychology that is called learned helplessness. On the opposite, you can build you positive bank account with daily action to arrive at learned optimism.

This is not some kind of The Secret style of wishful thinking BS but something that will help you to develop a sense of self-efficacy.

1. Record your wins
Grab a notebook and write down everything that you can think of that you have accomplished. I don't give a F*ck if it's doing the laundry or winning a Laurel award. Those are the first small deposits into your positive bank account.

2. On a daily basis you need to journal - This can be quick notes on three things (start small)
E - Efforts you put in somewhere during the day
S - Success you realized during the day
P- Performance you improved somewhere

The goal is to reflect daily on your wins. For the negative things? Forget them! This is called selective thinking. We want to focus on the thing that fire you up. The things that create energy, optimism, and enthusiasm.

Hall of farmer Tony Gwynn did this after every game by creating a video file with all his bats and good reads on the pitch. And all the bad decisions and strikes? Deleted! That is effective mental filtering.

3. Go through @MJ DeMarco's 10/5/1 planning process. You need a clearer vision that is more precise than big things in life. Write it down. Mental images of the future create a cascade of neural impulses that affect your nervous system.

4. Establish a daily habit system that drives you towards goals from point three. I have found that @MJ DeMarco's daily planner PDF is a great start.

5. Create personal mantras and practice them every day. It works for the Navy Seals. It will work for you. DM me if you need help with this.

This is 365 days per-year practice. UC Santa Barbara psychologist David Sherman said it best "by doing those practices you are building an overarching narrative of the self's adequacy."

I am a performance psychologist working with combat athletes, military operators, and business leaders. Let me assure you that everyone has anxiety, that uncertainty is part of life, and so are imperfections.

Also, there is a misunderstanding of confidence - In 99% of the cases, it's highly contextual. You can be a cleaner in one area of your life but shy and introverted in another area. It's fine and normal.

Good Luck!

What an incredible reply.

OP, it seems to me you have a ton of amazing advice here, one I thought I'd add is listen to/read Jordan Peterson.
Might just change your life. I'll give you one of his simple pieces of advice:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jYIWaFKFMY

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Kirk84]

The issue with moving away is: you’re always taking yourself with you. What gives you the confidence you won’t have the same problems somewhere else? I suggest you first work on yourself. And start slow. Focus on making ONE thing better in your life at a time. Focus on ONE thing for a couple of months until this thing becomes second nature. After that, move on to the next thing. This will probably take you a couple of years, but it’s worth it.

Personally, I suggest you take on some kind of martial art like BJJ or Muay Thai. You develop strength, stamina, learn how to protect yourself, mental stability, accountability and you get to know other, cool people where you can develop a sense of community. Go there 3 to 4 times a week. Talk to others. Be kind. Exchange contacts. Get one or multiple training partners. The first couple of weeks will be tough and your body will be in pain a lot, but you will get used to this quickly. Also don’t despair if people won’t be as open to you in the beginning. It might take a while.

 

[Rangermac2]

The issue with moving away is: you’re always taking yourself with you. What gives you the confidence you won’t have the same problems somewhere else? I suggest you first work on yourself. And start slow. Focus on making ONE thing better in your life at a time. Focus on ONE thing for a couple of months until this thing becomes second nature. After that, move on to the next thing. This will probably take you a couple of years, but it’s worth it.

Personally, I suggest you take on some kind of martial art like BJJ or Muay Thai. You develop strength, stamina, learn how to protect yourself, mental stability, accountability and you get to know other, cool people where you can develop a sense of community. Go there 3 to 4 times a week. Talk to others. Be kind. Exchange contacts. Get one or multiple training partners. The first couple of weeks will be tough and your body will be in pain a lot, but you will get used to this quickly. Also don’t despair if people won’t be as open to you in the beginning. It might take a while.

As my Dad had told me when I was younger when we moved to another state, "You can be anyone you want to be, you can reinvent yourself". When you move you can start fresh but ensure that not just your atmosphere changes but yourself. If you're going to move, reinvent yourself and take a new rooting pushing yourself to be outgoing and enhance yourself. Good thing is, improvement may mean change of atmosphere but also you can improve right where you are. The tree doesn't unroot itself to grow somewhere else, it keeps growing where it's at changing with the seasons.

 

[Anon3114]

OP, it seems to me you have a ton of amazing advice here, one I thought I'd add is listen to/read Jordan Peterson.
Might just change your life.

JP definitely has a lot to say in the sphere of his influence. He definitely helps me in understanding some irrational behaving people. Hearing some of his talks allowed me to live and let live more than before I heard him.
Thanks for the recommendation.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Anon3114]

The issue with moving away is: you’re always taking yourself with you. What gives you the confidence you won’t have the same problems somewhere else?

I do agree with you on that. I've experienced enough in life to know that believing otherwise is simply fooling yourself.

Personally, I suggest you take on some kind of martial art like BJJ or Muay Thai.

Just curious, is there a specific age when it's too late to start martial arts?
Thanks for the recommendations

 

[Kirk84]

Just curious, is there a specific age when it's too late to start martial arts?

I think you need to plan 3-4 days of regeneration when you‘re just starting out and reduce it to 1-2 days at a later stage. The problem is when you’re 50+ and your body just needs longer to regenerate. When you’re just starting out and not used to high intensity workouts in Muay Thai and many other martial arts, these kinds of workout might be detrimental to your health. I’m not an expert though.

 

[Yasser]

I have bad relations with people around. People often disrespect me, publicly humiliate me.
Some people did go after me because of me being an easy target to make fun of.
I do have poor social skills.

However.
Since I was a child I always dreamed of more freedom, having great life and all that is associated with being independent in every aspect of life.

Now I do not like where I live, disinterested in people from neighborhood (because of their lifestyles and views on life).

I long for a community, but I feel lost and out of place.

I never wished anything bad for even those who stepped on me - I just feel bad hurting anyone, even saying mean things makes me feeling less valuable as a human.

I currently started reading the Fastlane book to find out if fastlane is achievable for me.

Those of you who live the fastlane, and if you want to give me some advice... is there anyone here who relates to me when starting your journey?

I can relate to some of the things you mentionned. As a child, my parents were authoritarian : Don't say this. Don't ask for this unless we allow it. Don't do this. Behave like this. I was beaten if I didn't follow their rules.
My natural first reaction to this environment ? retreat into myself.
The result? a timid person who was unable to assert itself and who couldn't say "No!". I decided to grab the bull by the horns because I was sick of being who I was. I gradually began to transform into the person I desired to be.
So here's how I proceeded, and I hope it helps you :

1. Introspection : Ask yourself "What is it about me that causes people to belittle and humiliate me?" Is it my body language (hands in pocket, little smile when being humiliated as to show you're not offended, playing with hands and legs, ...), or something else.
   This step is essential because determining the causes of a problem is the first step in problem solving.
2. Execution : It's time to address the causes now that you are aware of them. Here are some advices that worked for me :
   1. Speak up: If someone offends you with something they do or something they say, let them know loudly and firmly. Sometimes people are offending without even realizing it.
   2. Maintain eye contact when you think it's appropriate.
   3. Manage your voice's tone: Even in challenging situations, respected individuals frequently speak with a steady and calm tone.
   4. Stand your ground : Don't comply with a request if it makes you uncomfortable. The requests can be anything from silly to risky (Hey, let's hide our coworker's phone. Hey, can you hide this drug for me for a moment).
   5. Start practicing martial arts or any other discipline-based sport.
   6. Become self-sufficient: You might be dependent on some of the people who make fun of you.
   7. Change yourself before changing your environment : Address the issues that caused others to humiliate you before you can change your environment and seek out new friends. This will help you stay out of similar situations in the future.

Keep in mind : It won't be possible to do this in a day or two. It takes months and years and requires patience and perseverance. To this day I'm still working on myself.

Jordan Peterson says something interesting for harmless and virtuous souls like you : You should be a monster, an absolute monster and then learn how to control it.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Anon3114]

I think you need to plan 3-4 days of regeneration when you‘re just starting out and reduce it to 1-2 days at a later stage. The problem is when you’re 50+ and your body just needs longer to regenerate. When you’re just starting out and not used to high intensity workouts in Muay Thai and many other martial arts, these kinds of workout might be detrimental to your health. I’m not an expert though.

Thanks, it gives me some perspective of how it works when starting.

 

[Anon3114]

Introspection : Ask yourself "What is it about me that causes people to belittle and humiliate me?"

I do that lately a lot. Additional to that i try getting out of my comfort zone and ask people about certain situations or conflicts where I was a part of it without asking specifically about me. It gives me additional perspective of how people perceived me in a situation. That helps me to compare my view of a given situation with their perspective on it, especially valuable if they didn't participate in it and were just observing it.

Execution : It's time to address the causes now that you are aware of them. Here are some advices that worked for me :

1. Speak up: If someone offends you with something they do or something they say, let them know loudly and firmly. Sometimes people are offending without even realizing it.
2. Maintain eye contact when you think it's appropriate.
3. Manage your voice's tone: Even in challenging situations, respected individuals frequently speak with a steady and calm tone.
4. Stand your ground : Don't comply with a request if it makes you uncomfortable. The requests can be anything from silly to risky (Hey, let's hide our coworker's phone. Hey, can you hide this drug for me for a moment).
5. Start practicing martial arts or any other discipline-based sport.
6. Become self-sufficient: You might be dependent on some of the people who make fun of you.
7. Change yourself before changing your environment : Address the issues that caused others to humiliate you before you can change your environment and seek out new friends. This will help you stay out of similar situations in the future.

You pointed out some very practical things to work on here. A lot of things to work on, thank you.

 

[Anon3114]

Thank you for all the replies. I appreciate each of your posts and wish you the best because you are good people at heart.

I see now why you are successful. I've decided to take that route as well so there's lots of work to do for me, in order to make that happen.

Thanks again!

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[K1 Lambo]

Thank you for all the replies. I appreciate each of your posts and wish you the best because you are good people at heart.

I see now why you are successful. I've decided to take that route as well so there's lots of work to do for me, in order to make that happen.

Thanks again!

Brother, you have to know one thing:

Whenever you're trying to do something different from the ordinary(aka live a normal 9-5 making $40k-$60k a year, fat wife with 2 kids, go on vacation once or twice a year, have a bodyfat percentage of 20%, drive a minivan and so on), expect resistance from people closest to you. It's a natural reaction.

One thing that has helped me is just to envision their life 10-15 years from now. Do you want to have the life they have? Do you want to live the life they have now? If the answer is no then why do you care?

Another thing you can do is to meet more people who are more successful than you, 10x, 50x or even 100x more successful than you. Either on this forum, in person and start to expand your mind to what's possible. People do not understand how important the law of averages is.

You're literally the sum of the 5 closest people to you. If all 5 people around you are 100lbs obese, guess what? There's a high chance you're gonna start slacking off and take things nonchalantly, get fatter, even if you're a very muscular, 10% bf ripped individual, it's very difficult to resist that kind of environment, no matter how strong mentally you are.

Why do all hot supermodels only hang with supermodels and not 50-100lbs obese women? Because of the law of averages. Same thing if you want to make money. You start to hang around 5-6 multi millionaires there's a high chance you'll be the 7th one. Hang around 5 broke losers who talk about video games and TV series' and you'll be the 6th one.

People will rarely believe or support you before you have done something significant. And even then, you need to get to a point where you're so successful that no one can question your validity at that point.

Most have it the other way around, they expect all this support at their journey only to fall down deep because of their expectations.