Essential lessons for young children...

[Robdavis]

Remove ... "I want" from their vocabulary too.

I'm curious as to why you do this? Please can you tell me?

The reason I am asking is because my parents did this to me and when I was in my mid 20's I thought that this was wrong and so I added "I want" back into my vocabulary again.

Thanks

 

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[Ayush6543]

I am a teen myself, but if I want my kids to understand one thing it would be to know the difference between what you can control and what you can't.

Ever since I started my journey of Entrepreneurship, things started becoming tough. I would get frustrated on weather, my feelings and other people's expectations of me choosing other career path.

 

[rpeck90]

Question for those of you with young children (3-7 years old), if there was ONE essential concept that you could absolutely ingrain and teach in your child, what would it be?

The reason I'm asking is because I'm thinking about writing a children's book (more pictures than words) but ultimately, I would like the book to teach children one (or more) of these core concepts that will help them in life.

For example, if I had a young child, I'd like to teach them the concept of a growth mindset, versus a fixed mindset. I'd like to let them know that their current circumstances doesn't need to be their future.

If you could ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE that a particular mindset would burn into your child's mind, what would it be?

For me, it would be the fixed/growth mindset.

I don't have children but mine would be to encourage the pursuit of becoming "autotelic" (obviously call it something else but pushing a mindset of pursuing their own knowledge rather than being spoonfed by TV, school etc).

As someone mentioned, adding a layer of gamification would help. In fact, many of the most successful video games encompass the idea - a combination of discovery and progression; using what you've learned to progress further into the game.

I discovered the idea from the following videos (definition is at ~6:00 of the third video):

View: https://vimeo.com/84022735

View: https://vimeo.com/87448006

View: https://vimeo.com/151128399

I feel the biggest contributor to success is when someone gets into the frame of "doing" things for the sake of discovering how they work / how to do them, not for immediate gain.

There is nothing stopping people reading about things, pursuing ideas, asking questions, reaching out to people for insights/advice, helping people with ideas + proclivities.... and, yet, most don't because they've been programmed to be a consumer slave. The Fountainhead book extols the idea well IMO.

I think a fixed/growth mindset is a facet of this, but not the source.

Manners. Saying please and thank you, especially thank you to waiters and waitresses. It means they have to pay attention to when someone has done something for them. It makes them speak up to adults, and realise they themselves can make others feel better with a couple of words.

Such an important topic, however, I don't think there should be a book about it. It used to be the role of the parents to teach their children basic manners. If a child is unable to discern that they should be respectful, courteous, humble, considerate and (when the situation desires) firm, I think that's a failure of the parents rather than the children.

 

[Andy Black]

I'm curious as to why you do this? Please can you tell me?

The reason I am asking is because my parents did this to me and when I was in my mid 20's I thought that this was wrong and so I added "I want" back into my vocabulary again.

Thanks

It's not a good look on a kid or adult to be saying "I want. I want. I want." It grates on those around you, and comes across as petulant and self-centered, certainly where I'm from and how I've been brought up.

1) It's just as easy to say "I'd like" or even "I'd love". They're much more positive ways of saying it.

Consider even the difference between:

"I want to see your room tidied before you go out to play."

vs

"I'd like to see your room tidied before you go out to play."

In the first instance they're doing it because they've been told. In the second they get a chance to do it to make you happy.

Then what about:

"I'd love to see your room tidied before you go out to play."

The ball's in your court. You going to clean up because you'd like mum or dad to love it?

Or you cleaning up because you've been told to?


2) To want means to not have. All you're really saying is you don't have something.

"I don't have X!"

"Ok sunshine. What you doing about it?"



Anyway, wait till you have kids and you hear "I hate", "I want", "I'm bored", and "It's not fair". Accompanied by a petulant little stamp.

You better nip that crap in the bud.

And if you're an adult using those phrases then just know many other adults are reminded of petulant kids stamping their feet.

 

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[Robdavis]

@Andy Black Thank you for this awesome answer. I'll have to think about this for some time.

 

[Andy Black]

@Andy Black Thank you for this awesome answer. I'll have to think about this for some time.

I just added three more paragraphs since you Liked that post. You might not have read them, but I think they're important.

 

[MRiabov]

The 2 following statements:

1. There is better life than you have right now (and your parents', and your surroundings' and your country's)
2. And you can achieve it.

If you make the child really believe it, the resulting chemistry would be that a) he is aspiring for freedom, and b) his attempts to achieve it are unbreakable.

It is what I understood somewhere in my childhood, when my parents were dead broke even though I have 4 PhDs in my family and I was led to believe that my only future was to become a pianist (like the ones my grandparents were seeing on TV).

I refused to believe it.

I knew that there is a better life... and I could achieve it.

And I'm making it out, hopefully. I am indestructible now, and I believe that success is merely the result of putting in the work.

 

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[MRiabov]

The ball's in your court. You going to clean up because you'd like mum or dad to love it?

Well, I'd say it's very strange to care about what you parents want or not want.

Why would you bother? They are pretty much no one to you. Why would you care about what someone wants and not wants? You need to care about your goals, and your family, loved ones, and friends come second.

Call me rough or indignant, but get whatever you need from them, and get out. Because they need to pursue their own goals. And if they don't - they get out of your way.

Editkay-okay, maybe I've gotten too angry, but seriously. Even though after my parents have forged me into the strong man (i hope), it's only because they have always gotten into my way. Besides, maybe, skills like English, all they did was "go play piano" and "you need a degree... because you have to".

Fair enough, but I will stand on my opinion.

Unless someone isn't helping you in life, they are hindering you.

 

[msufan]

Well, I'd say it's very strange to care about what you parents want or not want.

Why would you bother? They are pretty much no one to you. Why would you care about what someone wants and not wants? You need to care about your goals, and your family, loved ones, and friends come second.

Call me rough or indignant, but get whatever you need from them, and get out. Because they need to pursue their own goals. And if they don't - they get out of your way.

Say what?! Parents are crucial to a small child -- their approval or disapproval makes a powerful imprint on a child's self-image, and caring about your parents is a critical part of successful human bonding.

 

[Andy Black]

Why would you care about what someone wants and not wants?

“You will get all you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want.”
- Zig Ziglar

"Money is proof you helped your fellow man."
- MJ DeMarco

 

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[Jrjohnny]

They are pretty much no one to you.

The hell did you just say?

 

[Antifragile]

@MJ DeMarco if you are serious about this, how much time have you spent with 3 to 7 year olds? How many existing books have you read to them yourself?

We have a massive library from toddler to more sophisticated older kids. On top of that, every time we go to school a little early, there is another library and we read beforehand. I am looking for a need and so far I don't think I am lacking books or topics that aren't yet covered. At 3 it's full coverage from animals and their adventures, to encourage kids to take on swimming, skiing etc. to stories that make them look for things, to talking about love and friendship.

What I am saying is that maybe you picked wrong age category for the caliber of lesson you showed as an example (growth vs fixed mindset). At 3 kids will teach us more than we teach them about growth mindset, resilience, never giving up etc. They'll pull every stunt imaginable to get what they want, they'll try new things at a pace we as parents will freak out! They want independence, I can't even dress mine because that's for "babies". Later, when they are older, I can see books like this being very helpful:

Way of the Warrior Kid: From Wimpy to Warrior the Navy SEAL Way
by Jocko Willink

Maybe you are targeting the wrong age? Or have you seen a need there? Do share more.



Sidebar comment: this thread is teaching me more about forum members than I expected.

 

[Andy Black]

Sidebar comment: this thread is teaching me more about forum members than I expected.

Me too.

Spot the parents, and those who are still kids.

Maybe we rename the Landfill to the Naughty Corner.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

you picked wrong age category

Yes, it looks like it.

In fact, the age range where I got curious about living my best life was around 11-14, so perhaps that is a better age range I should be thinking about as I certainly can reflect on my own experiences.

 

[Caminsky]

1. How to recognize the difference between big problems and little problems (resilience);
2. How to treat others fairly and what to do if someone is mean to you (boundaries);
3. How to come up with new ideas and test them out (innovation).

These are problems younger (and older) kids face every day. It can be difficult at that age to differentiate between a little problem (someone isn't sharing) and a big problem (a relative is sick and has to go to the hospital). Both feel scary for a kid. Teaching them how to recognize when a problem is a little problem with simple solutions can be a valuable skill.

Boundaries are another tricky issue. For many kids, it can be hard to empathize with others. Some kids also have a difficult time in situations where another kid won't leave them alone. Children and adults can both struggle to set and respect healthy boundaries. Teaching these skills early on can be a blessing.

Finally, as we know from this forum and the books, problem-solving is a great life skill to have. Even if a kiddo has no interest in being an entrepreneur later in life, problem-solving skills will help them in many other ways.

 

[Runum]

In general kids 3-7 haven't developed metacognition yet. My experience was 19 years with 10 year olds.

I had a maker space in my room for them to work independently, without grades or judgment. It was difficult for them to loosen up and be creative. They had been told "no" for 9 years, many times rightfully so for their safety, it was different having a teacher telling them "yes". I could tell which kids had chores and were doers at home vs those that were bubble wrapped at home.

AT 10 they are very attached and dependent on their family situations. When dad loses his job, Christmas will be lean. They know it and they feel it. The economic low leads to emotional lows. The kids live it, breath it, and feel it. They see no way out.

It's extremely sad to hear 10 year old kids with no hope or vision. It is a challenge to get them to see that their situation can be temporary, since they do not have much control.

When dad and mom are expressing negatives and the news and social media they are exposed to is negative the kids get beat down emotionally and lose all hope.

"Grit" has become the buzzword in education recently. I also like tenacity, resilience. I also like @Kevin88660 Adversity Quotient.

Also, the difference between needs and wants, and delayed gratification.

 

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[Caminsky]

In general kids 3-7 haven't developed metacognition yet. My experience was 19 years with 10 year olds.

I had a maker space in my room for them to work independently, without grades or judgment. It was difficult for them to loosen up and be creative. They had been told "no" for 9 years, many times rightfully so for their safety, it was different having a teacher telling them "yes". I could tell which kids had chores and were doers at home vs those that were bubble wrapped at home.

AT 10 they are very attached and dependent on their family situations. When dad loses his job, Christmas will be lean. They know it and they feel it. The economic low leads to emotional lows. The kids live it, breath it, and feel it. They see no way out.

It's extremely sad to hear 10 year old kids with no hope or vision. It is a challenge to get them to see that their situation can be temporary, since they do not have much control.

When dad and mom are expressing negatives and the news and social media they are exposed to is negative the kids get beat down emotionally and lose all hope.

Grit has become the buzzword in education recently. I also like tenacity, resilience. I also like @Kevin88660 Adversity Quotient.

Also, the difference between needs and wants, and delayed gratification.

Great points.

We have friends who are way too open (in my opinion) with their kids about all the troubles in the world. Childhood is a time of learning and bonding. Dumping the weight of the world (or your circumstances) on them is robbing them of some of the magic of childhood.

 

[andyhaus44]

1. Accept responsibility
2. Tell the truth
3. No complaining, whining or excuse making

 

[BizyDad]

At that young age, it's been about emotion recognition and emotion management. Spiritual lessons that we don't discuss here. Developing a can-do spirit as well.

My kids are still younger, but I just recently started thinking deeply about the lessons I will want to be teaching them as they become pre-teens. (My son turned 10 just the other day...)

I think everything on my list has already been mentioned.

 

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[Subsonic]

Question for those of you with young children (3-7 years old), if there was ONE essential concept that you could absolutely ingrain and teach in your child, what would it be?

The reason I'm asking is because I'm thinking about writing a children's book (more pictures than words) but ultimately, I would like the book to teach children one (or more) of these core concepts that will help them in life.

For example, if I had a young child, I'd like to teach them the concept of a growth mindset, versus a fixed mindset. I'd like to let them know that their current circumstances doesn't need to be their future.

If you could ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE that a particular mindset would burn into your child's mind, what would it be?

For me, it would be the fixed/growth mindset.

I'd agree with the growth mindset.

If I had to say something else it's the idea that discomfort is good, healthy and the key to living a fulfilled live.

Perhaps it's also to always try to see the best in people. This one thing has allowed me to have positive experiences everywhere because people know what you think of them.

 

[Shono]

Remaining cheerful instead of complaining (this one is tough with small kids)

I think this one is imperative. I think parents need a crash course on how children develop, because children are so volatile when young that they can internalize and carry damage from ignorant parents their entire lives on a physiological and psychological level.

I’m all for internal locus of control, but it takes a hell of a long time to fill the void in the heart of a child that is screamed at for crying because a parent is insensitive to their own emotions. Once a child is crying it means they have already been hurt, crying is a sign to nurture not further reject, as narcissists often do.

You can teach all you want to your children, but if their core emotional state is hurt they won’t be able to harness their inner joys and self confidence. Teach them out of love, not a bootcamp. And if they misbehave instead of reject try and set a good example by having the right character traits yourself.

But a few things I’ve learned:

1) Cesar Milan said after 9 seasons of Dog Whisperer the one take away he learned was that there are no bad dogs, only bad owners whom the dogs are simply reacting to on an emotional level. Young children have about the same emotional capacity as a dog.

2) Gabor Maté says he has never seen a single negative consequence of giving too much love to a developing baby, this doesn’t coincide with coddling a teenager, but the consequences of withholding love or abuse (no matter how minute) can have major consequences.

3) All children go through terrible two’s because this is part of their development that I alluded to earlier, where parents become disgruntled and combative out of ignorance. When a child is at that age they grow past object permanence and experience life as a multi player game for the first time, and test their boundaries for sake of independence. Punishing them at this stage sets a precedence that they can’t individuate. Practice patience and wisdom of the process.

4) I think the reason ‘all parents screw up all children’ is because families weren’t meant to live in a nuclear unit, especially when some parents aren’t emotionally capable of raising children, if there were a broader community or tribe (and values like the elder’s wisdom) to keep them in check, much of the problems we see today like generational trauma - borderline, narcissistic personalities and failure to launch wouldn’t be as prevalent. So I think the best way to raise a kid is to manufacture a large community of family and friends in your life, so they have more than one point of reference on how to develop. Ie. Mormon children don’t cry, because their values are based on nurturing.

Just some random thoughts.

 

[Antifragile]

I think this one is imperative. I think parents need a crash course on how children develop, because children are so volatile when young that they can internalize and carry damage from ignorant parents their entire lives on a physiological and psychological level.

I’m all for internal locus of control, but it takes a hell of a long time to fill the void in the heart of a child that is screamed at for crying because a parent is insensitive to their own emotions. Once a child is crying it means they have already been hurt, crying is a sign to nurture not further reject, as narcissists often do.

You can teach all you want to your children, but if their core emotional state is hurt they won’t be able to harness their inner joys and self confidence. Teach them out of love, not a bootcamp. And if they misbehave instead of reject try and set a good example by having the right character traits yourself.

But a few things I’ve learned:

1) Cesar Milan said after 9 seasons of Dog Whisperer the one take away he learned was that there are no bad dogs, only bad owners whom the dogs are simply reacting to on an emotional level. Young children have about the same emotional capacity as a dog.

2) Gabor Maté says he has never seen a single negative consequence of giving too much love to a developing baby, this doesn’t coincide with coddling a teenager, but the consequences of withholding love or abuse (no matter how minute) can have major consequences.

3) All children go through terrible two’s because this is part of their development that I alluded to earlier, where parents become disgruntled and combative out of ignorance. When a child is at that age they grow past object permanence and experience life as a multi player game for the first time, and test their boundaries for sake of independence. Punishing them at this stage sets a precedence that they can’t individuate. Practice patience and wisdom of the process.

4) I think the reason ‘all parents screw up all children’ is because families weren’t meant to live in a nuclear unit, especially when some parents aren’t emotionally capable of raising children, if there were a broader community or tribe (and values like the elder’s wisdom) to keep them in check, much of the problems we see today like generational trauma - borderline, narcissistic personalities and failure to launch wouldn’t be as prevalent. So I think the best way to raise a kid is to manufacture a large community of family and friends in your life, so they have more than one point of reference on how to develop. Ie. Mormon children don’t cry, because their values are based on nurturing.

Just some random thoughts.

Brilliant post. I wish more parents read books that make them better humans (and in turn better parents).

I also see kids at early age are all about mimicking what they see and re-enacting it. Monkey see, monkey do.

Most important IMO, @Shono is the point 2: you can’t love your kids too much. I believe it. With that it turns into quality of time for work (fastlane business, less time for more money) and quantity of time with family!

 

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[Jrjohnny]

I think this one is imperative. I think parents need a crash course on how children develop, because children are so volatile when young that they can internalize and carry damage from ignorant parents their entire lives on a physiological and psychological level.

I’m all for internal locus of control, but it takes a hell of a long time to fill the void in the heart of a child that is screamed at for crying because a parent is insensitive to their own emotions. Once a child is crying it means they have already been hurt, crying is a sign to nurture not further reject, as narcissists often do.

You can teach all you want to your children, but if their core emotional state is hurt they won’t be able to harness their inner joys and self confidence. Teach them out of love, not a bootcamp. And if they misbehave instead of reject try and set a good example by having the right character traits yourself.

But a few things I’ve learned:

1) Cesar Milan said after 9 seasons of Dog Whisperer the one take away he learned was that there are no bad dogs, only bad owners whom the dogs are simply reacting to on an emotional level. Young children have about the same emotional capacity as a dog.

2) Gabor Maté says he has never seen a single negative consequence of giving too much love to a developing baby, this doesn’t coincide with coddling a teenager, but the consequences of withholding love or abuse (no matter how minute) can have major consequences.

3) All children go through terrible two’s because this is part of their development that I alluded to earlier, where parents become disgruntled and combative out of ignorance. When a child is at that age they grow past object permanence and experience life as a multi player game for the first time, and test their boundaries for sake of independence. Punishing them at this stage sets a precedence that they can’t individuate. Practice patience and wisdom of the process.

4) I think the reason ‘all parents screw up all children’ is because families weren’t meant to live in a nuclear unit, especially when some parents aren’t emotionally capable of raising children, if there were a broader community or tribe (and values like the elder’s wisdom) to keep them in check, much of the problems we see today like generational trauma - borderline, narcissistic personalities and failure to launch wouldn’t be as prevalent. So I think the best way to raise a kid is to manufacture a large community of family and friends in your life, so they have more than one point of reference on how to develop. Ie. Mormon children don’t cry, because their values are based on nurturing.

Just some random thoughts.

Really made me grateful for my mom.

My mom used to care for me more than any parent, she was just the best mom. I can’t even describe it.

I was made fun of for being mommy’s boy by my cousins, friends and sometimes class mates.

I began to grow a bit of doubt because of all this, but she just was always there for me.

I’m going to go home and thank my mom for everything. Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to have my mom.

 

[Mr. Tycoon]

If you could ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE that a particular mindset would burn into your child's mind, what would it be?

be respectful,
keep quiet when in public/ foreign places,
pay attention when you been talking to, and to your surroundings.
be a disciplined person and always have a clean and a tidy appearance.
when you do something ,do it properly- especially if you're getting paid for doing.

AND ALLWAYS THINK BEFORE YOU SAY OR DO SOMETHING

 

[MRiabov]

Me too.

Spot the parents, and those who are still kids.

Maybe we rename the Landfill to the Naughty Corner.

You know, Andy, I understand what you are saying - and you have all the right to say so, but...

“You will get all you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want.”

My father earns 100$/mo now. By your definition he is living a useless life. Because he wants to "do what he loves", which is some "research" about how people lie to each other, how to trick other people, how to shout at them, etc.

He doesn't want to improve, and in the while not doing that what does he do? He watches movies, plays video games (at 49) and complains to his wife how difficult his life is.

While I am grinding the hell out of myself. I wake up every day, and for the last 8 weeks or so I've been working for at least 6 (usually 12) hours a day. Despite not even having normal workplace and sleep place(because my roommate is with his GF in 23:30) I am constantly in the "go" mode, I am doing 1 more render, 1 more tweak in the design, trying to make my Kickstarter as successful as possible.

This is what I mean by unbreakable. Vs the one who only hinders others.

Do I not have the rights to say that they I was hindered by them?
And, in this case, who is more child - me, who tries to seriously change the world and provide for my family, or my father, who plays video games at 49?

And, Andy, it is by all respect to you. But it would be simply not true to say that I'm not living the life the way that would yield the most profit.

Cheers,
Max

 

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[Andy Black]

You know, Andy, I understand what you are saying - and you have all the right to say so, but...

My father earns 100$/mo now. Why? Because he wants to "do what he loves", which is some "research" about how people lie to each other, how to trick other people, how to shout at them, etc.

He doesn't want to improve, and in the while not doing that what does he do? He watches movies, plays video games (at 49) and complains to his wife how difficult his life is.

While I am grinding the hell out of myself. I wake up every day, and for the last 8 weeks or so I've been working for at least 6 (usually 12) hours a day. Despite not even having normal workplace and sleep place(because my roommate is with his GF in 23:30) I am constantly in the "go" mode, I am doing 1 more render, 1 more tweak in the design, trying to make my Kickstarter as successful as possible.

This is what I mean by unbreakable. Vs the one who only hinders others.

Do I not have the rights to say that they I was hindered by them?
And, in this case, who is more child - me, who tries to seriously change the world and provide for my family, or my father, who plays video games at 49?

We're talking advice for 3-7 year olds?

 

[Antifragile]

You know, Andy, I understand what you are saying - and you have all the right to say so, but...

My father earns 100$/mo now. By your definition he is living a useless life. Because he wants to "do what he loves", which is some "research" about how people lie to each other, how to trick other people, how to shout at them, etc.

He doesn't want to improve, and in the while not doing that what does he do? He watches movies, plays video games (at 49) and complains to his wife how difficult his life is.

While I am grinding the hell out of myself. I wake up every day, and for the last 8 weeks or so I've been working for at least 6 (usually 12) hours a day. Despite not even having normal workplace and sleep place(because my roommate is with his GF in 23:30) I am constantly in the "go" mode, I am doing 1 more render, 1 more tweak in the design, trying to make my Kickstarter as successful as possible.

This is what I mean by unbreakable. Vs the one who only hinders others.

Do I not have the rights to say that they I was hindered by them?
And, in this case, who is more child - me, who tries to seriously change the world and provide for my family, or my father, who plays video games at 49?

And, Andy, it is by all respect to you. But it would be simply not true to say that I'm not living the life the way that would yield the most profit.

Cheers,
Max

Wrong thread for my reply … but allow me to be brief.

Your drive could be from either a) genetics or b) from having no financial support by your father. Meaning you either make it yourself or you’ll have nothing. I’ve seen some of the biggest losers come from wealthy families, entitled people who do nothing. Be grateful to your dad for either a) your genetics or b) for creating the circumstances where YOU have the drive to work this hard.

I used to be jealous of people whose parents had money. Their lives were so much easier and better than mine. Today I’m 10x more successful and made it all on my own. Looking back, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Keep grinding. Keep your work ethic. Be grateful, not spiteful. One day you’ll enjoy life you can’t even dream today.

 

[jclean]

1)Learning to communicate with real people in this digital age.
Some teens don't even dare to call these days....

2)Politeness:
my 8-year-old daughter said thank you at a carnival stand to the person who gave her the balls to knock the cans over with. And she immediately gave her 5 more because hearing a thank you from children is also a rarity these days.

3)Tolerance towards people who are different or think differently.

So basically people skills

 

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[Nicole]

I would teach my young kittens that birds and mice might not taste as good as a piece of chicken from a fast food drive thru, but the birds and mice contain healthy nutrients that a fast food chicken burger doesn't have. Inconvenience food is harder to eat, and harder to catch. But if the kittens learn how to catch birds and mice, they'll be able to take care of themselves. They'll grow up stronger than if they only ate processed food.

 

[Here]

Yes, it looks like it.

In fact, the age range where I got curious about living my best life was around 11-14, so perhaps that is a better age range I should be thinking about as I certainly can reflect on my own experiences.

Yes! Ages 11-14 is a great age for these themes. A teen book would be nice as well, but I don’t have teens so I hope you write the tween book first.