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How to Get Rid of Negative Friends

Topics relating to managing people and relationships

Puppy

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for me getting rid of my negative 'friends' was easy, i simply stopped talking to them. in fact, it was too easy. when i stopped being there i saw that they had never been there for me in the first place. and man, did that ever hurt.

these were people i cared about, had been there for, made time for, and when the truth came out, i was no one to them. i probably should be angry about it but even now it just makes me sad. but it also opened my eyes. i was surrounded by drug addicts and users, alcoholics, abusive people and people in abusive relationships, USERS, criminals, thieves, con artists, liers, cheaters. i was doing my best to make it in the slowlane because that was the only way for people like us to 'make it'. yet what was around me wasnt even sidewalk, it was the gutter.

it was a soul crushing experience for 4 years as i tried to get out and hold on at the same time. these were my friends, i didnt want to lose them. i could deal with the bullshit i thought, financially i was doing ok and moving ahead. my greatest fear was being alone and having no friends. how horrible that sounds to say now.

now its family. thats even worse. how do you get rid of negative family? how do you walk away from family? thats what i have been struggling with for the last few months. in a week i will be completely moved. no one knows where exactly im going. a few know what city ill be in. some dont even know im moving. i have refused to tell where in the city im moving to. im doing all i can to keep my address unknown. i will be changing my number. i know i will not be taking part in any future family fuctions. i know i will be branded as a pos by my siblings. i know my mother will not understand and will worry and be hurt. i dont know what to tell her.
 
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Mr.Brandtastic

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It may not even be that they are negative or nasty people. If your goals don't align, your relationship will start to diverge. They are comfortable often times taking the slowlane and I'm not.
 

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I have a few friends that people would consider rich. I also have a number of friends that worked up through the slowlane ranks. Don't see a big difference.

I have friends from this forum but most people I know from sports such as running, softball, and golf. Those are the people that I spend the most time with.

For some reason the socio-economics don't come into play too often. Perhaps with a tournament that is out of state or something people may get weeded out from the costs. The negative people tend to work themselves out of a team simply by people not liking them.

I ran with a guy for months that worked part-time for minimum wage and lived with his mom at the age of 50. He spent a number of terms in jail/prison mostly for theft. He had nothing going on in his life that he did not complain about. It never bothered me. My goal was to train and he provided company and entertainment through the miles. His personal life issues did not affect me.
 

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Wise. Pleasure to.know you personally.

P.s. thanks for suggesting to join this forum! Will definitely get books!
 

theresgot2bemore

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Once the respect for a person is gone the friendship isn't there anyway. It is just an annoyance.

I don't have all the money in the world... But when people insinuate that I am trying to be better than them just because I own a few businesses, I am looking at a car with a luxury brand name and I paid cash for X or Y and im automatically an a**hole... They made the uncalled for insuation correct. I am better than them.

I flat out cant respect a person who judges me based on my career choice and ability to afford what I buy and to make smart choices. It is jealously pure and simple because money only makes people pricks if it isn't their money.

And before you go and say... just dont tell them... When someone asks me what kind of mortgage rate I got I'm not going to lie to them. If it bothers them that I don't have one they can bite me. If it bothers them that I dont have a 900 dollar car payment they can bite me.

We think alike. I find it ridiculous that this sort of thing exists. It is very toxic indeed. I'm not Fastlane by any means yet but it is a reasonable mindset to have (yours of course).

As Dan S. Kennedy says the so called "constructive critic" is one folks should watch out for. I learned this one the hard way. If you pay attention you'll notice snarky little comments hidden under the guise of "caring" about you whenever you mention anything success based. Awful people.

Come to think about it I believe Robert Greene talks about it in the law of power as well.

Huh? What negative people?

It's kind of like "burning the boats". Why would I stop to burn the boats? I'm busy moving forward.

I don't need to kick negative people out. I'm moving forwards. Negative people get left behind. I'll automatically be surrounded by whoever is also moving forward.



Just my 2c. ;)

True, the simplest things are the most effective. Like one poster above said I, too, have a fear of being alone at the moment so I found it hard to let go of complete trash "friends" but then I realize there are forums like this to find like minded people who want to be successful. For that I'm thankful because I can imagine back then things were hard when you had few places to turn to.
 

Process

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In my case, I simply stopped calling them and they never bothered to call me :). I also don't go to those sorts of parties anymore either. This saved me about 5-8 hours every weekend.

All-in-all, most changes just take a little discipline to commit to, but once I stick to something, each day's easier than the last.
 
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Rem

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I don't really have a lot of friends. I have a packed schedule. Those who are still there while you do your thing I consider friends. The negative people sort of dissipate. They tend to be attracted to like kind so they peel away. You don't have to do anything to get rid of them, just focus on your thing.
 

MJ DeMarco

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There's an old saying if you want your shitty friends to disappear, just lend them money.

For some reason the socio-economics don't come into play too often.

Perhaps because you don't inadvertently show any socio-economics other than what's considered normal.

I'd suspect that if you showed up to all your softball games in a Rolls Royce and invited all your friends to your 10,000 square foot estate nestled on a cliff in Estancia, you'd see a change.
 

SteveO

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There's an old saying if you want your shitty friends to disappear, just lend them money.



Perhaps because you don't inadvertently show any socio-economics other than what's considered normal.

I'd suspect that if you showed up to all your softball games in a Rolls Royce and invited all your friends to your 10,000 square foot estate nestled on a cliff in Estancia, you'd see a change.
Agree with that. You used to get attention from the team when wheeling up in the lambo. People on the team knew you had a couple bucks. Did you feel any different than the rest of the team while we played or went for drinks?
 
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MJ DeMarco

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Did you feel any different than the rest of the team while we played or went for drinks?

Not at first, but as time went on, yes.

And I tried to formulate my perception not based on subjective inferences, but based on actions; how I was treated (or not treated) what I saw/heard, and what was said to me in passing or in random conversation.
 

SteveO

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Not at first, but as time went on, yes.

And I tried to formulate my perception not based on subjective inferences, but based on actions; how I was treated (or not treated) what I saw/heard, and what was said to me in passing or in random conversation.
I get some of this around the golf course. It is mostly the result of the ownership factor. Some people here think I am filthy rich but around 10% of the customers probably have the means to purchase it themselves.

Never felt it with any of my social groups though. Perhaps a few people stating that they wanted to ask questions later. Never did though.

There was a guy on my senior softball team that was mega-wealthy with thousands of acres of land under his belt. He had done a lot of land planning, dealing, developing, etc... Another guy on the team that owned a number of commercial properties told me about him. All three of us went to lunch one day on my invite and nickel. This guy went into great detail about carving up land and developing. Well worth the price of their lunch. Other than his arrogance, nobody treated him any differently from what I could see.
 
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ThirtyOne

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Not at first, but as time went on, yes.

And I tried to formulate my perception not based on subjective inferences, but based on actions; how I was treated (or not treated) what I saw/heard, and what was said to me in passing or in random conversation.
What was it? Jealousy?

Or a sense of entitlement? Like, "Hey, the team needs money or new jerseys, MJ can surely cover it. It's no big deal to his wallet."
 
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MJ DeMarco

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Hey, the team needs money or new jerseys, MJ can surely cover it. It's no big deal to his wallet."

No, not that obvious.

What was it? Jealousy?

Hmmm... if everyone on your team is invited to off-schedule events (party, social gathering, wedding, etc) and everyone is invited but you, I'm not sure that's jealously, but more like "thanks but no thanks; you aren't one of us." And in reality that's true -- I can't sit at a table and discuss the awesomeness of being a 35 year old college student while aspiring for a 60 hour a week job at $50K/year. I have nothing to add to that conversation but silence and a smile of support.
 

ThirtyOne

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Hmmm... if everyone on your team is invited to off-schedule events (party, social gathering, wedding, etc) and everyone is invited but you, I'm not sure that's jealously, but more like "thanks but no thanks; you aren't one of us." And in reality that's true -- I can't sit at a table and discuss the awesomeness of being a 35 year old college student while aspiring for a 60 hour a week job at $50K/year. I have nothing to add to that conversation but silence and a smile of support.

Talk about a missed opportunity for them. They might've left the sidewalk if they listened and asked questions instead.
 

JAJT

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Hmmm... if everyone on your team is invited to off-schedule events (party, social gathering, wedding, etc) and everyone is invited but you, I'm not sure that's jealously, but more like "thanks but no thanks; you aren't one of us."

Wow, what a dick move.

I'd feel pretty personally hurt if that happened to me.

I totally get the lack of relatedness they may have felt but that's still some cold nonsense in my book.

As the typical host in my social circles there are certainly folks I don't enjoy spending time with, at all, but in my mind I either don't invite the "package" (a couple, a family, best friends, whatever...) or I invite them all. Saying "everyone can join except you" is just really childish, immature and needlessly hurtful IMHO.
 
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SteveO

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No, not that obvious.



Hmmm... if everyone on your team is invited to off-schedule events (party, social gathering, wedding, etc) and everyone is invited but you, I'm not sure that's jealously, but more like "thanks but no thanks; you aren't one of us." And in reality that's true -- I can't sit at a table and discuss the awesomeness of being a 35 year old college student while aspiring for a 60 hour a week job at $50K/year. I have nothing to add to that conversation but silence and a smile of support.
He was awesome in his own mind. :)
 

MJ DeMarco

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I totally get the lack of relatedness they may have felt but that's still some cold nonsense in my book.

Who knows, for all I know I could have been perceived as one of those "evil rich guys" not paying his "fair share." Whenever I'm in a social situation not business/entrepreneurial related, I tend to keep my mouth shut. Remember, I claim to be an introvert, ha ha.

He was awesome in his own mind.

Not even sure if we're thinking of the same people, but I heard the above multiple times in multiple conversations from multiple folks. And while I might not agree with the college/job life goal, I make it a point to shut-up or be supportive/congratulatory -- if someone is happy about X, then I'm happy for them as well. I don't evangelize business/entrepreneurship/Fastlane at social functions, unless someone asks, or the event itself is a forum event.
 

Kak

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I can't sit at a table and discuss the awesomeness of being a 35 year old college student while aspiring for a 60 hour a week job at $50K/year. I have nothing to add to that conversation but silence and a smile of support.

This is so unbelievably true. Great post.
 
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NewManRising

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My whole life has been around negative people. It was family, the friends, the school teachers and administration, etc. I grew up feeling like I was a piece of shit. Over the years I have been fighting these beliefs. Having these beliefs though were so ingrained to my identity that it was reflexive. I avoided people, places and things. Simply, I was judging myself, while judging others, thinking they were judging me with the same strength that I was judging myself. This has lessened a little bit. I am trying to be around more positive people. I've noticed over the years that there are patterns. If it isn't you attracting the people they come to you like a magnet. Awareness is really important here. I now see the red flags right away. I have also replaced people, places, and things in my life. I am literally starting from scratch. It is pretty lonely and hard. When it comes to family it can be hard to find the right balance. I really only talk to my mom but she has been the most negative to me. The problem is, if you have these false beliefs about yourself and still have exposure to the people who perpetuate them then you will continue to doubt yourself. I have also learned though that when you no longer serve a role for the toxic person they naturally go away. Life sorts that out for you. So, it is essential that you choose healthy things in your life. You only have one life. Do you want to be miserable like everyone else? I don't. Sometimes there is some guilt attached to doing well while others you know are struggling and miserable. But you have to get over this. You have no control over their lives. Just focus on you.
 
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NewManRising

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The best thing I have learned though is keep your mouth shut about your life, goals, and plans. I think we like to discuss it with those we are close to thinking they will be excited, happy, and enthusiastic as much as us. But the truth is, they are not. In fact, you will learn that they will sabotage you any way they can because they do not want you to be better than them. Remember, they live the scripted life and have the rat race mentality. Ever little perceived inch forward someone makes in life they take it as a challenge. I have found that things work better for me when I am silent and do everything in secret.
 

MJ DeMarco

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thinking they were judging me

As you get older, your worry about what other people think, or how they judge you weakens with time. At some point, you reach a "ZERO f*cks given" level. And then you start catching yourself judging others because they give "many f*cks" about stupid shit, like HBO dramas, pro sports teams, black Friday deals, etc.
 
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socaldude

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It's simple, you cut them out.

Do people's judgements and opinions affect us? Yes. It's called the "looking glass self".

It basically says that we look at ourselves the same way our environment sees us. And depending on how shitty it is, it can actually hold you back from a lot of things in life. Kind of like how we were taught how a college degree was gonna make us filthy rich. It can be reversed through awareness and independent-critical thinking.

People have a more fragile sense of self when they are younger because how powerful our environment is in influencing us.
 

mws87

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Had a lot of negative folks in my life some time ago. Dropped contact with them and my life, mood, and health improved ten fold in what felt like only weeks.

I used to be a smoker and toxic people remind me a lot of walking cigarettes. You think they're great because you're used to them, but you never fully realize how shitty you felt until they're gone and out of your system.

As far as people weeding you out because of you improving your situation, those probably weren't friends to begin with.
 

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No, not that obvious.

Hmmm... if everyone on your team is invited to off-schedule events (party, social gathering, wedding, etc) and everyone is invited but you, I'm not sure that's jealously, but more like "thanks but no thanks; you aren't one of us." And in reality that's true -- I can't sit at a table and discuss the awesomeness of being a 35 year old college student while aspiring for a 60 hour a week job at $50K/year. I have nothing to add to that conversation but silence and a smile of support.

Sorry that I forgot to invite you to my party MJ!
And I do have a story to tell... I was talking to two people on the team at a party one night (probably the party MJ wasn't invited too, :smile2:) and when one left, the other one said to me, JOHN (obviously not his real name) always thinks he knows it all and talks down to everyone on the team. I said, really, I never get that impression from him at all. The other person then said, well that's because he thinks you are more successful than him.
 

MJ DeMarco

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Alma Zamarly

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Been there and done that. But usually i just keep avoiding them and give them some reason (fake) not to join any activity with them. But in the end, we are all still friend. In humanity aspect i still being friend with them, just do not like to hang around with them.
 

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