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GOLD! How to stop getting abused by people?

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mon_fi

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TLDR: Some people in life are particularly perverse and will abuse you and your kindness and when you realize it happened, it's too late.

How do you prevent this from happening?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The full story:

IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST. We are not arguing political views here, I just told the story how it happened. The rules of the forum say we cannot discuss politics. Please comply. Thank you : )


My roommate invited some friends of hers for dinner yesterday night. I joined them at the end of the dinner because I wanted to work on my projects.

When I entered the room, I said hi to everyone, and took a seat. What followed happened fast and without me opening my mouth.

My roommate started saying out loud that I had complained earlier that I valued things less when they were easy to get than when they were hard (because I got an internship in a praised political institution and while I was happy at first, I told her my realization that it wasn't as hard to get as I thought it would be decreased the value I hold in the internship).

One guy, which I had never met before, found that outrageous. He started a monologue:
"Yeah, but you know, you can complain of that because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you f*cking capitalists. Me, I never had the right to not care about money. It's always there. I never even thought about doing an internship where you will do yours. This is why I had to work 15 years as a bartender. Where do you find the money to pay your rent? Huh? Where do you find it?"

I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to answer because I didn't expect to be attacked by someone I did not know...in my living room. I answered the truth, that I wasn't paying any rent at the moment because I was staying with a family member. That made him even angrier.

"Yeah, you got a silver spoon in your f*cking mouth, you have the luxury not to think about money, you never had to, you never will".

I started shaking. I stood up and told him to wait 2 minutes. Everyone saw I was angry. The atmosphere got tense.

I went to get my computer, came back and showed him a draft of blog post I had written. I wanted him to read the two sentences where I explain running out of money is my number one fear, way ahead of death and public speaking due to my money-tight childhood (why do you think I ended up on this forum lol).

Then he said "hey chill out, we're discussing, I am not attacking you or anything".

I was angry. I was really angry. I had let my guard down (I was in my own apartment for crying out loud) and had been attacked as a result. I walked straight into a trap that that idiot had laid for me.

It took me three hours to fall asleep that night, because I was angry at myself for having been abused so easily.

I figure that this type of abusive and passive-agressive behavior happens often where the stakes are high (politics, business).

What are the resources you guys use to deal with it? Physically I am short, 5,8, I am trying to build muscles so that I would commend a bit more respect, but otherwise, I am used to put out a mean face to instantly repel anyone that tries to mess with me (especially in the street since Brussels is a very dangerous city).

I didn't do it yesterday, and this is what I got.

Ordinarily, I am trying to be a nice guy, to help people, to give value. Some see it as weakness and try to abuse you.

How do you prevent it from happening?

PS: I talked with a friend today which was there last night, and she apologized for this guy's behavior, saying her boyfriend almost got into a fight with him last week.
 

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MTF

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How do you prevent it from happening?

You don't. Because you can't control other people.

You can spend your entire life trying to manipulate the world around you to be the way you want it to be (good luck with that). Or you learn how to feel okay with reality, whatever it is.

The problem wasn't the guy's attack. The problem was that you were so triggered by it that you reacted to it, tried to argue with him (what for?) and then wasted three hours of your life thinking about it afterward. And now you even wrote a long post about it, further fueling the flames.

This is very clear to see here:

It took me three hours to fall asleep that night, because I was angry at myself for having been abused so easily.

You abuse yourself, not other people.

The solution isn't something you do on the outside. It's reprogramming your mind to get conscious that you're starting to feel anger, then deciding not to engage in it, and then simply going away and chilling out. If a 5-year old kid attacked you this way, you'd laugh it off. So you already have this ability. Just need to train it to react the same way with adults.

Obviously, it's not easy. But I think it's important to go to the root right away and acknowledge that the problem isn't what's happening outside but what's your reaction to it inside.

It's easy to feel that others abuse you but usually it's the other way around (and if it's not, as is the case with domestic abuse, then obviously this is not the right place to seek help).
 

The-J

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I feel bad for that guy. He's clearly bitter and has been for a long time. He sounds like the kind of dude who just wants to pick fights.

I say, forgive him and forgive yourself. You're not weak, you were sucker-punched. That kind of thing can happen to anybody. Most people would let it get physical, which is NEVER a good option when it comes to people like that. I bet he's a better fighter than you. That's not a gamble you wanna take, even if you're a trained martial artist. And if you ARE the better fighter, do you really want an assault charge for reacting to an insult?

Forgive him, but don't forget. That guy's not allowed over your house anymore.
 

Johnny boy

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I only read about a third of what you wrote but the answer is this:

Send them home and never talk to them again. Blocked, ignored, ghosted, etc.

The only people in my life are people that actually like me and want the best for me.

If I meet someone and they disrespect me right away, they aren’t my friend. Gone.

If I’m on a date with a chick and she’s not into me, she’s got bad taste. Gone.

Its a numbers game. Some don’t like you. Some do. Just screen them out and replace the negative people with positive people. Shake more hands. Start more conversations. When they suck, move on. When they’re great and supportive and enjoy being around you, keep em.

Every single person in my life supports me and likes me. If they didn’t I’ve either blocked them, fired them or dumped them
 

BizyDad

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If someone asks me how I'm going to pay my bills, I ask them how its any of their business.

You were mad because you got insulted. Sure the guy was incredibly rude. But why accept the insult? Even IF you have a silver spoon in your mouth, why should you be ashamed of that? And if you made your own way in the world, it again, is none of his business.

I tend to answer insulting questions with probing questions. Why are you so angry? How do you know I'm a capitalist? Who are you exactly and why are you in my apartment?

Hope that helps.
 

mon_fi

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You abuse yourself, not other people.

The solution isn't something you do on the outside. It's reprogramming your mind to get conscious that you're starting to feel anger, then deciding not to engage in it, and then simply going away and chilling out. If a 5-year old kid attacked you this way, you'd laugh it off. So you already have this ability. Just need to train it to react the same way with adults.

Obviously, it's not easy. But I think it's important to go to the root right away and acknowledge that the problem isn't what's happening outside but what's your reaction to it inside.

It's easy to feel that others abuse you but usually it's the other way around (and if it's not, as is the case with domestic abuse, then obviously this is not the right place to seek help).

I guess you are right. It's a perspective I did not think about. People will hurt you as much as you let them. Cheers!

I only read about a third of what you wrote

Yeah, it's a stupid waste-of-time story really, which is why I got the TLDR at the beginning. I still wrote it to provide context and give a general idea of what I meant with "abuse".

Its a numbers game. Some don’t like you. Some do. Just screen them out and replace the negative people with positive people. Shake more hands. Start more conversations. When they suck, move on. When they’re great and supportive and enjoy being around you, keep em.

Every single person in my life supports me and likes me. If they didn’t I’ve either blocked them, fired them or dumped them

That's right. Good people are rare, which is why one needs to look for them.


You were mad because you got insulted. Sure the guy was incredibly rude. But why accept the insult? Even IF you have a silver spoon in your mouth, why should you be ashamed of that? And if you made your own way in the world, it again, is none of his business.

I tend to answer insulting questions with probing questions. Why are you so angry? How do you know I'm a capitalist? Who are you exactly and why are you in my apartment?

I wish I had had the consciousness to react this way, but in a way, I am also glad I didn't cuz I didn't want to get into a fight.

I was so surprised, it came out of nowhere at 23h on a freacking Monday night. And the thing is that I didn't even open my mouth, I got into the room and suddenly, they started talking about what I was up to, talking about me using the third person like I was a child.

It was so...weird, rude, and patronizing I may have simply not believed it was actually happening.

I like the probing question technique. I'll keep that in mind if it happens again.
 

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Thoelt53

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Don’t tolerate it. Don’t engage. He’s a moron and the argument isn’t worth it.

Either walk away, or in your case, send his a$$ right out the front door of YOUR home.

Sometimes you can show people the light, but to come over to someone’s house, full of piss and vinegar, it’s not worth the time or effort. I’d say f*ck him, and probably would have led to a whooping. I’m kind to everyone I meet, and I expect the same in return.

The best policy is to disengage and walk away, unless you can’t.
 
Last edited:

IceCreamKid

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You'll know you have arrived when someone can do some mean shit to you and you RESPOND from a place of love, compassion, and understanding.

Notice I used the word respond instead of react. When you respond, you have the power. When you react, you're giving all the power to him.

Release the ego. You have nothing to prove to him or anyone for that matter. Seek empathy. The guy sounds incredibly bitter and has had a very rough life. Must suck to be him and I hope he reaches a phase in life where he gets excited and inspired when he sees someone living well.

Ordinarily, I am trying to be a nice guy, to help people, to give value. Some see it as weakness and try to abuse you.

How do you prevent it from happening?
This is a rite of passage for all the nice guys. You will learn to sharpen your filter over time. Continue being the good guy, but f*ck anyone who tries to take advantage of you for it. They are no longer allowed in your circle. Blocked. Ghosted. Dead. Gone.

Life is too short to spend energy on negative individuals who won't push you forward.
 

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sparechange

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My preferred method. Sadly nowadays that will just land you in jail, or worse. Often it’s best to just walk away.

Your honor, with all due respect the defendant was in fear of his life inside his own apartment, and chose to strike since he believed to have seen a weapon.

Case dismissed.
 

thechosen1

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TLDR: Some people in life are particularly perverse and will abuse you and your kindness and when you realize it happened, it's too late.

How do you prevent this from happening?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The full story:

IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST. We are not arguing political views here, I just told the story how it happened. The rules of the forum say we cannot discuss politics. Please comply. Thank you : )


My roommate invited some friends of hers for dinner yesterday night. I joined them at the end of the dinner because I wanted to work on my projects.

When I entered the room, I said hi to everyone, and took a seat. What followed happened fast and without me opening my mouth.

My roommate started saying out loud that I had complained earlier that I valued things less when they were easy to get than when they were hard (because I got an internship in a praised political institution and while I was happy at first, I told her my realization that it wasn't as hard to get as I thought it would be decreased the value I hold in the internship).

One guy, which I had never met before, found that outrageous. He started a monologue:
"Yeah, but you know, you can complain of that because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you f*cking capitalists. Me, I never had the right to not care about money. It's always there. I never even thought about doing an internship where you will do yours. This is why I had to work 15 years as a bartender. Where do you find the money to pay your rent? Huh? Where do you find it?"

I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to answer because I didn't expect to be attacked by someone I did not know...in my living room. I answered the truth, that I wasn't paying any rent at the moment because I was staying with a family member. That made him even angrier.

"Yeah, you got a silver spoon in your f*cking mouth, you have the luxury not to think about money, you never had to, you never will".

I started shaking. I stood up and told him to wait 2 minutes. Everyone saw I was angry. The atmosphere got tense.

I went to get my computer, came back and showed him a draft of blog post I had written. I wanted him to read the two sentences where I explain running out of money is my number one fear, way ahead of death and public speaking due to my money-tight childhood (why do you think I ended up on this forum lol).

Then he said "hey chill out, we're discussing, I am not attacking you or anything".

I was angry. I was really angry. I had let my guard down (I was in my own apartment for crying out loud) and had been attacked as a result. I walked straight into a trap that that idiot had laid for me.

It took me three hours to fall asleep that night, because I was angry at myself for having been abused so easily.

I figure that this type of abusive and passive-agressive behavior happens often where the stakes are high (politics, business).

What are the resources you guys use to deal with it? Physically I am short, 5,8, I am trying to build muscles so that I would commend a bit more respect, but otherwise, I am used to put out a mean face to instantly repel anyone that tries to mess with me (especially in the street since Brussels is a very dangerous city).

I didn't do it yesterday, and this is what I got.

Ordinarily, I am trying to be a nice guy, to help people, to give value. Some see it as weakness and try to abuse you.

How do you prevent it from happening?

PS: I talked with a friend today which was there last night, and she apologized for this guy's behavior, saying her boyfriend almost got into a fight with him last week.

The guy is a bully, and he is saying more about himself than anyone else.

It upset you because, like me, you deeply want to feel like you have accomplished things yourself and want to prove your worth in life. I totally get it and I think lots of people on this forum feel the same way. Those insults cut deep.

The best thing to do I think is to disengage this person or try to say something like “Yup, that’s me, totally.” Because that will deflate the whole conversation.

The next thing I would do (and others may disagree) is disconnect from this person, because they clearly are not your friend and don’t care about you. Worse, they see you as some kind of enemy. That’s not a person I’d want in my life if I could avoid it.

Again the disconnecting may be bad advice, I hate the lonely feeling of that, but some people really are bullies and jerks and just aren’t worth dealing with.

If you must continue with this person, try to keep things as brief and light hearted as possible. And just keep working on the thick skin part - that takes a lot of practice, because like we all know, some things can really hit a nerve. And for you it’s definitely the desire to prove your value! I get it.

But overall, this guy needs to know that you don’t tolerate being treated so badly. You’re not a doormat.

So don’t pretend everything is fine, because they will continue to treat you like crap. Everything is a balance.
 
Last edited:

Jon L

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The book, "Feeling Good" has a great response to stuff like this.

"You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and you're an ungrateful, miserable person."

"I agree. I was born into a family that had enough money, and am often not grateful enough for what I have. I also have a different view of money than most people. How does that make me a bad person?"

"Well you're just a no-good capitalist and all you care about is yourself."

"You're right again, I often care too much about myself. That is something I'm working to improve. Does having these faults make me an inferior person compared to you, or to anyone else here at the table?"

etc ...

try agreeing with him but asking him if the things he accuses you of make you less-than. "I just don't see how having faults makes me an inferior person. I think you would agree that having faults is part of being human and the best we can do is to attempt to improve ourselves."

Humility works.
 

SPM_ENT

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I can understand being attacked randomly in your own home is quite jarring. I've been made to seem a fool in many situations and stayed up nights stirring about what I should have said and better ways to respond.

What I have found is there's a lack of perspective and understanding on my part. If I hold on to the fact that this isn't really about me it's easier for me to be curious and ask questions.

It seems like you're upset with me? What makes you say I was born with a silver spoon? (maybe you were and he's irrationally jealous. It's not a crime) Do you blame me for being born into my situation? What caused you to bartend for 15 years? *not all of these are great but you get the idea.

Ask him enough questions and give him enough time to make him reveal himself to you and to everyone else. The more he talks the worse he will look and all you've had to do is be curious and ask questions.

If you respond and counter what he is saying he will only dig in more. Ask more questions be more curious is my opinion on how to deal with these types of people. Or remove yourself from the situation.
 

j0elsuf

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Who are you exactly and why are you in my apartment?
That would have been the FIRST thing out of my mouth.

The next thing out of my mouth: How long will you be here? Do you plan on doing anything other than eat dinner? Cuz if so, you'll need to do it somewhere else. I need to be up early tomorrow.

Boundaries are the single most important thing when it comes to roommates.

OP has learned a hard lesson in boundaries.

When 3 people suddenly moved into my place in January (my apartment operates on individual leases so people just magically move in randomly), I laid out the ground rules immediately: Temperature can't get any cooler than 78 during the day, can't drop lower than 72 (or higher than 70 when cold) during the night, everyone has to ask for permission to use the living room, absolutely no partying. If your family comes over, they stay in your room.

I then told THEM that if I broke those rules, I get to pay their share of the light bill.

Boundaries, my dude. For you and others.

Those people shouldn't have been there in the first place.

You shouldn't have joined them.

You are responsible for everything that was said to you because you didn't set boundaries for yourself or those around you.
 

Xeon

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TLDR: Some people in life are particularly perverse and will abuse you and your kindness and when you realize it happened, it's too late.

How do you prevent this from happening?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The full story:

IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST. We are not arguing political views here, I just told the story how it happened. The rules of the forum say we cannot discuss politics. Please comply. Thank you : )


My roommate invited some friends of hers for dinner yesterday night. I joined them at the end of the dinner because I wanted to work on my projects.

When I entered the room, I said hi to everyone, and took a seat. What followed happened fast and without me opening my mouth.

My roommate started saying out loud that I had complained earlier that I valued things less when they were easy to get than when they were hard (because I got an internship in a praised political institution and while I was happy at first, I told her my realization that it wasn't as hard to get as I thought it would be decreased the value I hold in the internship).

One guy, which I had never met before, found that outrageous. He started a monologue:
"Yeah, but you know, you can complain of that because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you f*cking capitalists. Me, I never had the right to not care about money. It's always there. I never even thought about doing an internship where you will do yours. This is why I had to work 15 years as a bartender. Where do you find the money to pay your rent? Huh? Where do you find it?"

I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to answer because I didn't expect to be attacked by someone I did not know...in my living room. I answered the truth, that I wasn't paying any rent at the moment because I was staying with a family member. That made him even angrier.

"Yeah, you got a silver spoon in your f*cking mouth, you have the luxury not to think about money, you never had to, you never will".

I started shaking. I stood up and told him to wait 2 minutes. Everyone saw I was angry. The atmosphere got tense.

I went to get my computer, came back and showed him a draft of blog post I had written. I wanted him to read the two sentences where I explain running out of money is my number one fear, way ahead of death and public speaking due to my money-tight childhood (why do you think I ended up on this forum lol).

Then he said "hey chill out, we're discussing, I am not attacking you or anything".

I was angry. I was really angry. I had let my guard down (I was in my own apartment for crying out loud) and had been attacked as a result. I walked straight into a trap that that idiot had laid for me.

It took me three hours to fall asleep that night, because I was angry at myself for having been abused so easily.

I figure that this type of abusive and passive-agressive behavior happens often where the stakes are high (politics, business).

What are the resources you guys use to deal with it? Physically I am short, 5,8, I am trying to build muscles so that I would commend a bit more respect, but otherwise, I am used to put out a mean face to instantly repel anyone that tries to mess with me (especially in the street since Brussels is a very dangerous city).

I didn't do it yesterday, and this is what I got.

Ordinarily, I am trying to be a nice guy, to help people, to give value. Some see it as weakness and try to abuse you.

How do you prevent it from happening?

PS: I talked with a friend today which was there last night, and she apologized for this guy's behavior, saying her boyfriend almost got into a fight with him last week.

That moment when you told him to wait "2 mins" while you go to your PC to show him some draft blog post you wrote, was the moment you lost to him.

If this happened in my house, I would tell him to get out.
If this happened at work, I would avoid the person at all cost and if things escalate, start looking for a new job.

Ignoring and cutting off all contact is the best. You can't fix toxic people.
 

Adir Barak

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I don't think he is rude and I don't think there is any value in you feeling self important to the extent of using the word "abuse".
What is absolutely right is that you should not expect people to be on your side or even wanting you to benefit from the interaction.
If you were sure of yourself you wouldn't have felt under attack. And once you are true to yourself those people can't get to you.
It's not your job to educate or persuade every person you meet.
I do believe it, and it is not to say you did bad, obviously we try our best every time, but I suggest you strive to higher standards in this context.
 

Andy Black

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TLDR: Some people in life are particularly perverse and will abuse you and your kindness and when you realize it happened, it's too late.

How do you prevent this from happening?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The full story:

IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST. We are not arguing political views here, I just told the story how it happened. The rules of the forum say we cannot discuss politics. Please comply. Thank you : )


My roommate invited some friends of hers for dinner yesterday night. I joined them at the end of the dinner because I wanted to work on my projects.

When I entered the room, I said hi to everyone, and took a seat. What followed happened fast and without me opening my mouth.

My roommate started saying out loud that I had complained earlier that I valued things less when they were easy to get than when they were hard (because I got an internship in a praised political institution and while I was happy at first, I told her my realization that it wasn't as hard to get as I thought it would be decreased the value I hold in the internship).

One guy, which I had never met before, found that outrageous. He started a monologue:
"Yeah, but you know, you can complain of that because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you f*cking capitalists. Me, I never had the right to not care about money. It's always there. I never even thought about doing an internship where you will do yours. This is why I had to work 15 years as a bartender. Where do you find the money to pay your rent? Huh? Where do you find it?"

I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to answer because I didn't expect to be attacked by someone I did not know...in my living room. I answered the truth, that I wasn't paying any rent at the moment because I was staying with a family member. That made him even angrier.

"Yeah, you got a silver spoon in your f*cking mouth, you have the luxury not to think about money, you never had to, you never will".

I started shaking. I stood up and told him to wait 2 minutes. Everyone saw I was angry. The atmosphere got tense.

I went to get my computer, came back and showed him a draft of blog post I had written. I wanted him to read the two sentences where I explain running out of money is my number one fear, way ahead of death and public speaking due to my money-tight childhood (why do you think I ended up on this forum lol).

Then he said "hey chill out, we're discussing, I am not attacking you or anything".

I was angry. I was really angry. I had let my guard down (I was in my own apartment for crying out loud) and had been attacked as a result. I walked straight into a trap that that idiot had laid for me.

It took me three hours to fall asleep that night, because I was angry at myself for having been abused so easily.

I figure that this type of abusive and passive-agressive behavior happens often where the stakes are high (politics, business).

What are the resources you guys use to deal with it? Physically I am short, 5,8, I am trying to build muscles so that I would commend a bit more respect, but otherwise, I am used to put out a mean face to instantly repel anyone that tries to mess with me (especially in the street since Brussels is a very dangerous city).

I didn't do it yesterday, and this is what I got.

Ordinarily, I am trying to be a nice guy, to help people, to give value. Some see it as weakness and try to abuse you.

How do you prevent it from happening?

PS: I talked with a friend today which was there last night, and she apologized for this guy's behavior, saying her boyfriend almost got into a fight with him last week.
He didn’t lay a trap for you. He was triggered by his own issues.

It’s almost never about you, it’s almost always about them. Once you figure that out you’ll be (better) able to let it go.

I’d be wary of that guy, and wary what I say to my flatmate going forward. I would mentally thank them both for letting me know what box to put them in.
 

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Lex DeVille

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I think there are four things that help me with this kind of situation:

1. Don't give a f*ck what other people think.
2. Release expectations about how others should behave.
3. Avoid engaging with bullshit completely.
4. Always have matches to burn the bridge to ashes.

:fire:
 

Andy Black

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3. Avoid engaging with bullshit completely
Exactly. Why bother? Will it help you to engage with someone and their issues? What’s that quote/saying about arguing with fools?
 

Lex DeVille

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Exactly. Why bother? Will it help you to engage with someone and their issues? What’s that quote/saying about arguing with fools?

Argue with a fool to distract from your hand in his pocket? :D
 

Madame Peccato

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Don't let your emotions control you. Learn to control them. Read and re-read MTF's post, it is important that you understand its concept.

Here's a little technique that will help you:

Think of a word, it will be a magic word. Everyone loves magic. Then, think of something wonderful, and when joyous feelings arise, say your magic word. Repeat the process multiple times over the course of a week. You'll associate good feelings to the word.

Keep this superpower in mind. Think about your magic word, and you'll notice your body relaxing and your breath normalizing.

Breath is particularly important in controlling your self. Learn more about it.

Many people in this thread told you what you did was wrong. Yes, it was, but you did the wrong thing because you let your emotions control you.

Focus on the real issue: you lost control. Master keeping your emotions in check. It will take time and practice. You are a smart person, so do the work and become better.

As for that idiot, he's a chump. Chumps are slaves to their emotion, and use them to make other people as miserable as they are. Don't become a chump.
 

Andy Black

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@mon_fi ... another tip:

“Be curious, not furious.”

Ask questions. Sure, you could do it all passive-aggressive sweetly innocent, but that’s not healthy for you either. If you have to engage with them, then you could be try to be genuinely curious why they think that way, and how you’d get them to think about things differently.
 

Simon Angel

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“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”
― Viktor Frankl

Said by a Jew who survived a nazi concentration camp working 20 hours a day on train tracks with just a couple of hundred calories in his system while his cellmates kept dying (some just from the mental stress).

5'8 isn't small by the way, but if you're skinny you might perceive yourself as such for sure. Tom Hardy played Bane.

I'm slightly taller than you at 5'8.5 and the difference in people's perception of me changed significantly after I shot up to 73kg/160 lbs of mostly lean muscle. I also adopted the habit of shaving my hair by myself since The Great Reset commenced and grew a solid goatee.

I'd definitely recommend working on your outer masculinity if you're feeling inferior or intimidated by other men. Looking back at my pictures from a year ago I looked like Baby-era Justin Bieber, while now I look like an escaped convict.

I can relate to both of you, especially after the tinnitus thread situation, and while I realize I can be a douche sometimes, it doesn't sound like this guy does. It also looks like he decided to pick on you because he thought you were an easy target and docile, which is cowardice.

And yeah, you are a nice guy, but today's society has created too many nice guys with low testosterone and high cortisol - no fight or flight response, just flight. Imagine if you just wrestled each other around for a bit to get it out of your system and subsequently became friends after telling your stories and finding out you're not so different after all. Or just told him to get the f*ck out of your place for being a twat. Anything is better than feeling bad for it 5 hours after it happened, I guarantee you this guy didn't give it a second thought.
 

mon_fi

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3. Avoid engaging with bullshit completely.

Something I definitely need to improve.

Many people in this thread told you what you did was wrong. Yes, it was, but you did the wrong thing because you let your emotions control you.

Focus on the real issue: you lost control. Master keeping your emotions in check. It will take time and practice. You are a smart person, so do the work and become better.

As for that idiot, he's a chump. Chumps are slaves to their emotion, and use them to make other people as miserable as they are. Don't become a chump.

Indeed, and I was anrgy at myself for having reacted the wrong way. I went after my feelings instead of realizing what was happening and making a smart decision.

If you have to engage with them, then you could be try to be genuinely curious why they think that way, and how you’d get them to think about things differently.

This one school of thought advocated by many people in the thread.

Then there are two others:
1. Exit the conversation and the person (burn the bridge)
2. Go to confrontation

To be honest, I don't think any of them three are a good response.

- Engaging and asking him questions to let him bite his own tail is a waste of time.
- Exiting the conversation because I didn't like what someone said is letting them control me.
- Go to confrontation never ends well.

What I am eyeing at is a fourth option: taking the control of the conversation.

I should have said "hey buddy, chill out, you don't know me, I don't know you, where do you get the animosity from? Come on, let's talk about something else, we didn't come here tonight to discuss my life".

So what I will improve for the next time is being aware of what people are telling me, and manage to find the best and quickest way to de-escalate it and change the focus of the conversation.

It also looks like he decided to pick on you because he thought you were an easy target and docile

Bingo. I always managed to talk my way out of multiple problems I had cuz I had broken the rules. In retrospect, few could imagine me doing what they were accusing me of doing. I just look too damn innocent for that.

Anything is better than feeling bad for it 5 hours after it happened, I guarantee you this guy didn't give it a second thought.


For sure. Now, the incident itself hardly matters. What matters is the principle behind the way I acted and my incapacity to react well in situations when I am getting abused like that. That's what I should change.

It has a lot to do when being able to observe my own feelings and not pursue them.


And yeah, you are a nice guy, but today's society has created too many nice guys with low testosterone and high cortisol

I am reading "The rational male" next. Check out the tinnitus thread soon, I'll give an update on my only-ruminant-meat-and-salt lion diet ;)
 

Ma.Gico

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I understand you perfectly mon_fi.

Ive struggled with this type of
situations a lot during my first work experiences.
I was too educated in a manner to be always respectfull with people anywhere, anyway. Eventhough they hadnt earned yet my respect.
Until i started working as a mechanic. Workcoleagues in that environment were rude, ( dont know why is that but 70 % of them are), talk among them like shit. And the more you react to that shit the worse.
Then ive worked also as a bartender for a year. And is more of the same.
With time you just learn not to react at all and just tell them to stfu and stay quiet.

The only thing i could advice is to learn how to permanent calm and focused on your body and breath( because usualy it starts with heart pumping faster, you get red and usually you get blocked as it gets you for surprise), while looking at everybody with a smile of " whats wrong with this guy?"

And never ever giving explanaitions. That doesnt help.
 

Andy Black

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If you have to engage with them, then you could be try to be genuinely curious why they think that way, and how you’d get them to think about things differently.
That's if you have to engage them.

Personally I'd just walk away, or if you can't physically walk away then I may just smile or shrug, say "OK", and leave it at that. I'm quite happy to let someone else have the last word.
 

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