Getting over the past.

[Brian Suh]

How do you guys deal with past mistakes, regrets, terrible mindsets, sour relationships, etc.? Everyday is a new day and should be treated as such but its hard for me not to remember all the shitty things that happened in the past which is like carrying a bag of rice climbing towards the mountain to my goals. Its useless and should just be dropped. Easier said than done.
Asking for the older folks how you guys deal with this? Do you just get less effected as you age just as how now you dont care about eating vegetables whereas back when you were 5 you just wanted ice cream. Im talking about things like bad breakups/friendships falling out, regrets on bad habits you started, bad beliefs and mindsets that were not helpful for your growth. I dont want this post to sound negative, just need some help. I see the light but the darkness in my past can sometimes cloud my entire day and ruin my momentum.

 

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[Strm]

I'm no older folk, but I will still share my thoughts.

I was constantly living in the past because of my childhood and I couldn't move on from the sad things that happened when I was a child. Then I had one phase when I was regretting all the shit I did and so on. That was just a couple of years ago. What followed was an immense work on my beliefs and thought processes and I have grown more than I could have ever hoped for. I am completely different person!

Now I am pretty much in the state of "what's done is done" and I am looking back with happiness and I get a couple of good laughs from all the shit, all the breakups and crazy things I did.

We can only learn from the past. That is really the only thing we can do.

 

[Johnny boy]

I don't "deal" with anything. That's how.

Guess how hard it was for me not to smoke today?

Very easy. I'm not a smoker. It never crossed my mind to smoke.

Just like it doesn't cross my mind to worry about my past or problems.

 

[SteveO]

Your present, right now, is forming your future. Your past is gone.

We all have issues with the past. Don't let your past form your future though.

I used to say that the past is what formed me. Now I say that that the present is.

I lived through a horrid childhood. Got into so many fights that I no longer found them as bad. Had a broken family filled with severe mental illness. Could not keep friends or relationships together.

Two divorces later and a third marriage, made a small fortune, lost it all, made some of it back again, all make it very hard not to dwell.

But, you have to figure out how to let it all go.

That is what I have spent the last 10 years working on.

Meditation and staying "in the now" have helped me a lot.

 

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[Brian Suh]

I think I may have a boundary problem. I tend to blame others for how they treated me and how it made me feel like shit. But ultimately I control how I feel. Life didnt come with instruction books did it? Any good tips on dealing with ones emotions so they dont go all haywire?

 

[SteveO]

I don't "deal" with anything. That's how.

Guess how hard it was for me not to smoke today?

Very easy. I'm not a smoker. It never crossed my mind to smoke.

Just like it doesn't cross my mind to worry about my past or problems.

View attachment 28768

@Johnny boy …. the zen master. Amazing illustration!

 

[WillHurtDontCare]

The past is just something that you think about, so find something more interesting to think about.

 

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[SteveO]

I think I may have a boundary problem. I tend to blame others for how they treated me and how it made me feel like shit. But ultimately I control how I feel. Life didnt come with instruction books did it? Any good tips on dealing with ones emotions so they dont go all haywire?

You are maturing before our eyes.

Look inside yourself not externally for answers.

What has helped me is the realization that all these things going on in my reality are experiences. Not things happening to me.

YOU DO control how you feel. At least there are tools to do so. Whenever you feel an emotion, identify it. Is it anger, frustration, sadness, etc... Feel the emotion to its fullest. Then, let it go. This may happen 20 to 40 times a day. At some point it will become automatic.

That is a method of releasing. You automatically do this with things that make you happy and then hang on to the emotions that that give you a negative feeling.

All the pent up energy that is not released will find another way of releasing itself if you don't deal with it.

 

[BellaPippin]

Going to therapy to deal with the aftermath of abuse helped me a lot. But it also helped me with stuff from my childhood that I didn't quite know it was there.

Yes you can control how you feel and the action is something the other one does but that means nothing if you don't have the emotional tools or maturity to deal with the situation. I didn't have the emotional tools to understand why my dad didn't give me the time of day when I was a kid, and I grew up feeling I wasn't enough. At 8 I made up in my head that he wanted a boy instead of me and that is why he didn't talk to me or spend time at all. So I was constantly trying to get his validation. I had those things hanging from my shoulder even until not too long ago and looking back that's also part of why I let my ex treat me the way he did. I grew up thinking I had something to prove to them and let them walk over my self worth. Am I guilty of anything? No.

First the catharsis of venting it all out to someone helps. Also, she (therapist) took it and sort of dissected it and for example I understood that while my dad was in his own bubble, that sends a message to a kid. His thing was his career and maybe that was he was raised. W.E. And that, on the other hand, I had a ton of accomplishments to be proud of myself and I didn't really need him to be proud of me. Just knowing and understanding the dynamics of what had happened there helped me move on. Same with all the other things. Then it's like you get some closure on that and you can just focus on today. It's a process but a helpful one. I'd try a few sessions.

 

[csalvato]

I think I may have a boundary problem. I tend to blame others for how they treated me and how it made me feel like shit. But ultimately I control how I feel. Life didnt come with instruction books did it? Any good tips on dealing with ones emotions so they dont go all haywire?

There is a misconception that you can control your emotions. As an emotional being, they simply happen.

A few years ago I was talking to @SteveO about emotions. He said something that stuck with me: he tries to feel the emotion fully, then move on as quickly as possible.

(just like he says above!)

He probably doesn’t even know this, but after that convo I took note of some study that was doing brain scans on meditative monks vs. meditation newbies vs. people who don’t meditate. The scans of the monks showed they were fully experiencing the pain and fear that you’d expect when pain is inflicted, and feeling it fully. Same thing for the people who never meditated (though their reaction was much more severe than the monk).

The meditation newbies were able to control their reaction, but their scans showed they weren’t feeling the emotion and dealing with it. They were using meditation to distract and deflect rather than fully experience.

My takeaway: you shouldn’t try to control or suppress your emotions. Just feel them fully, and control your reactions.

thanks @SteveO

You may also want to do some reading into Stoicism and meditation techniques (perhaps even get some exposure to Buddhism and the writings of Buddhist monks), as these philosophies/disciplines are master-level abilitiesto staying in control in situations

 

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[Brian Suh]

There is a misconception that you can control your emotions. As an emotional being, they simply happen.

A few years ago I was talking to @SteveO about emotions. He said something that stuck with me: he tries to feel the emotion fully, then move on as quickly as possible.

(just like he says above!)

He probably doesn’t even know this, but after that convo I took note of some that was doing brain scans on meditative monks vs. meditation newbies vs. people who don’t meditate. The scans of the monks showed they were fully experiencing the pain and fear that you’d expect when pain is inflicted, and feeling it fully. Same thing for the people who never meditated (though their reaction was much more severe than the monk).

The meditation newbies were able to control their reaction, but their scans showed they weren’t feeling the emotion and dealing with it. They were using meditation to distract and deflect rather than fully experience.

My takeaway: you shouldn’t try to control or suppress your emotions. Just feel them fully, and control your reactions.

thanks @SteveO

You may also want to do some reading into Stoicism and meditation techniques (perhaps even get some exposure to Buddhism and the writings of Buddhist monks), as these philosophies/disciplines are master-level abilitiesto staying in control in situations

I'm going to be honest, the thing that gets me the most was that I was a unconfident loser. I dont want to go back to that. Even though I have been getting success with women, health, and money, I sometimes think about those times and my mind becomes fuzzy again. Got to remind myself to think of the process and change doesnt happen overnight.

 

[Primeperiwinkle]

If you ever get a chance to see an EMDR Therapist you might want to. Their technique helps even extreme cases to process their emotions and realign their personal beliefs about themselves. It’s really cool. Everybody’s a work in progress though so some stuff takes time. Another amazing resource (if you can get the book) is The Sedona Method.. which basically helps you to fully experience your emotions and then let them go.

 

[BizyDad]

A lot of good comments in this thread.

Personally, if I find I am holding onto painful memories, I treat it as an unlearned lesson. I look back on the situation and take what I can as a lesson of improvement. Then I can be thankful for it. and if in the future, these painful feelings crop up again, I can be thankful for the reminder.

I look back fondly on my time as an "unconfident loser". It formed the foundation for who I am today, someone capable of relentlessly winning, yet who always has a heart and compassion for those who are struggling. Michael Jordan wouldn't have been Michael Jordan if he hadn't been cut from his high school basketball team.

I also distinguish between emotions that are caused by the mind, and emotions that are caused by the body. I don't know if this is a real thing, it's just how I look at it.

For emotions caused by the mind, a lot of people have already given great advice. But if you think you might be the kind whose body causes emotions, and I would argue all of us are, I would encourage you to food journal. Your diet has a powerful influence on your emotional state.

I started exploring this when I cut sugar out of my life. I just had a lot less mood swings, and the ones I still had were a lot less dramatic. Food journaling is how I discovered that when I drink scotch, 20 hours later, I feel somber. But wine is fine. It's like clockwork. Now when it happens, instead of wondering what lesson I haven't learned, I'm able to just keep that emotion in perspective. "Oh this is cuz I drank scotch."

I also eat more things like turkey and avocado, because they have the nutrients our body needs to create all those good brain chemicals that make us feel good.

I'm not what anyone would ever confuse with an even keel person, nor do I want to be, but I'm doing much better since I implemented these tactics.

Hope this helps, and thanks for being brave enough to post this.

 

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[Ismail941]

"I have never met a strong person with an easy past"

 

[BellaPippin]

There is a misconception that you can control your emotions. As an emotional being, they simply happen.

This. You don't control them... you manage them. That's about all you can do. Once you acknowledge them you can let your evolved brain decide what's the next action step.

 

[IlseVdG]

Love the messages here!
For me personally, at this moment, this is my medecine bag:
1. Mental food that allows me to put things in a bigger picture, spiritual stuff. See also for instance the Power of Now
2. meditation practice (I combine it with tai chi)
3. monthly kick in the butt by personal coach
4. connection with others
5. nature
6. exercise
7. music
8. healthy food, and fasting in the morning
9. personal action that confirms the mental changes I make
10. humor
11. days without medecine bag, also going just fine

 

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[MichaelCash]

I am trying to forget it. Time heals. Besides this, you need to switch your attention to something new, something that would make you emotional, e.g. travel or start a new job.

 

[Red]

Time heals.

Ask anyone with PTSD or any number of anxiety / depressive disorders if that's helpful.


OP, the first thing to changing/healing from where you are is to take inventory & be aware of it. You're already making progress in this thread -the part about realizing you felt like an "unconfident loser." You have to identify those sub-conscious beliefs before you can actively assess & change them.

It's hard when it's conditioning from your formative years. I know. Still working through it. Lots to learn & sort out. One of the resources that I've found helpful is the Holistic Psychologist. Her resources are on IG, Youtube & various other platforms and I've found that she gives helpful resources for change, not just the old-school bs that is touted just about everywhere else. It's been very helpful for me identifying harmful mindsets/patterns & working to change them.

 

[max1mSS]

Focusing on things like hobbies, work, sports, whatever, and just drowning out the noise with more of everything else will help you process what's going on and will ultimately help you get past whatever you've got going on.

 

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[Entre Eyes]

I truly believe in KARMA. Yes we should let things go that are dragging us in our current pursuits but we can never forget the people that believed in us and invested in us one way or another..

 

[Low Chi]

Your Self Image contains your feeling of self worth. If you got a feeling of inferiority, it is part of your self image (which is contained as a habitual thinking pattern in the paradigm of your subconscious mind), even if triggered by an outside situation (outside of your mind). A paradigm is a multitude of habits or habitual patterns of actions or a habitual thought chain.

Your subc. mind is processed in the limbic system of your brain. The whole mind is not your brain or your body. It just uses the brain. The paradigm can take over the steering wheel of your mind within milliseconds (the limbic system of your brain is that fast). Therefore any trigger can reiterate the image (your brain just remembers to think the last time it thought about it - on autopilot; a learned thinking pattern). In your case e.g. "I am enough today - but at this and this moment I should have acted in a different way..." / What if this... / What if I had done/said/decided that... etc. The trick of the player who is playing against you: Not all parts of the thought chain are perceived consciously... some of them are hidden, but have an impact to the following thought direction. The initial imprinting of the parts of your Self Image which are not serving you, doesn't have to be a programming, you've chosen. In many cases it has it's roots in the behaviour of parenting or how our circle of friends or our peer group was interacting with us and the world. (e.g. If you had a boss mentoring you, you'll gain other results than if you had a boss who was behaving... not like a nice person.)

Letting go based on the same pattern or belief system is for "hard impacts in life" in my humble opinion something between very hard to do and impossible. If some therapist would tell you "just let go" I would tell him "Continue to listen, before you extend the gap between knowing and doing of the client." If he would start to ask you questions to reframe... there you go into the light, you desire. Because these questions will lead to a kind of course correction of your mind.

If you think of time as a chain of moments you'll see soon, that you are at the moment where? Right here at ONE of these moments, perceiving the moment of NOW (perceived as an additional timeframe of many milliseconds to a combination of 3 seconds in the human brain). These 3 seconds are every now in the chain of moments of now you'll perceive as a human beeing, because your brain works that way to perceive a "now".

We have the capacity to reframe our perception in any of these moments, every Now in what you become a conscious observer of the thought chain, you are thinking. I am not talking about telling yourself another label of your Self Image. I am talking about literally getting to know the clarity about WHAT you are thinking, when it is triggered to recall the "bad past". The letting go becomes possible after you gain

-clarity
and then
-start to reframe your feeling of self worth

Some of my own clients start with post its in their whole flat or house with messages to themselves. Some need to go deeper by thinking on paper of themselves (It is not journaling, but connecting to Self). Some use a simple sheet for radical forgiveness.

Some need deeper tools like harvesting the good things in an adversity. But all of them have in common that they find a way to reframe the parts of the self image which don't contribute to the desired outcome of their future self.
You mentioned "others" in your second posting -> try this one by Colin Tipping:

https://www.radicalforgiveness.com/pdf/RFWorksheetMarch.pdf

If you get stuck in the emotion or if you are reiterating the old situations over and over, your mind is led into the wrong direction, a vast distraction field which is not serving you. But if you can start to observe and track (by writing it down or using the tools), you can discover the hidden parts, re-evaluate all parts and reframe the thought chain and by practicing that, you'll still have your triggers, but you are starting to RESPOND with other afterimages in the thought chain (instead of REACTing on autopilot). This effort supports then your (better) self image.

Remember that your spiritual DNA is perfect. You are perceiving a physical experience and "every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit." (quoted by N. Hill) Someday you'll gain an understanding of your way and you'll belong to the people who don't want to "delete" these old times. Because you'll understand that even that "bad situation" contributed to your own growth and understanding of something much, much, much larger than your current perceived Self. You don't need to grow old to become aware. ;-)

You are allowed to heal. Forgive your past actions by observing and re-evaluationg the thoughts, especially the hidden parts of the thought chain. Compassion yourself. Life was never meant to be a struggle. If you can't overcome the hurdle, consider to get help from a person you trust. Asking for help is a success principle. If you don't know, who to ask: Ask who and how you can find such a person for the specific hurdle. You'll find a way, which fits perfectly.

Hope, you'll gain chrystal clear clarity and enjoy the moments of now.

 

[Kevin88660]

How do you guys deal with past mistakes, regrets, terrible mindsets, sour relationships, etc.? Everyday is a new day and should be treated as such but its hard for me not to remember all the shitty things that happened in the past which is like carrying a bag of rice climbing towards the mountain to my goals. Its useless and should just be dropped. Easier said than done.
Asking for the older folks how you guys deal with this? Do you just get less effected as you age just as how now you dont care about eating vegetables whereas back when you were 5 you just wanted ice cream. Im talking about things like bad breakups/friendships falling out, regrets on bad habits you started, bad beliefs and mindsets that were not helpful for your growth. I dont want this post to sound negative, just need some help. I see the light but the darkness in my past can sometimes cloud my entire day and ruin my momentum.

I do not really dwell with the past as I believe that with the knowledge I had In the past there is rather not too much difference I could make.

It is easier to be a hindsight expert. Maybe I should have jumped into the bitcoin bandwagon? Maybe I should have studied a hard science like Math and computing with a focus in programming?

I came to realize that working with what I know and what works for me is the most important thing and opt for incremental measureable improvement. Then for whatever I get in return I would have no regret.

 

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[Chris25]

How do you guys deal with past mistakes, regrets, terrible mindsets, sour relationships, etc.?

What I found very helpful at a time when I was feeling overwhelmed by the past is a practical exercise from the book "Your Best Year Ever" by Michael Hyatt so I'm going to explain that in short, as I remember it.

Start with an intention to analyze a period of your choosing where you feel like things are not resolved for you, grab a piece of paper and write down these things:

1. Write down everything that you had planned out or you thought you will achieve in that period.

2. Write down what actually happened (the negative results) and be completely honest about everything, it's only for yourself.

3. Write down what you learned from everything ( the positive results) despite the hard time.

4. Write down the things you can and will do to improve those areas in the next year or whatever period you choose.


Remember to take your time, really think through these things one by one so you get clarity. For example, take 10 minutes to close your eyes and think about the first step, write everything down then move on to the second, and so on. Do this when you have some alone downtime so you can get in tune and won't be disturbed by anything or anyone.

It's guaranteed to give you some needed closure on things that bother you

 

[Bud Fox]

How do you guys deal with past mistakes, regrets, terrible mindsets, sour relationships, etc.? Everyday is a new day and should be treated as such but its hard for me not to remember all the shitty things that happened in the past which is like carrying a bag of rice climbing towards the mountain to my goals. Its useless and should just be dropped. Easier said than done.
Asking for the older folks how you guys deal with this? Do you just get less effected as you age just as how now you dont care about eating vegetables whereas back when you were 5 you just wanted ice cream. Im talking about things like bad breakups/friendships falling out, regrets on bad habits you started, bad beliefs and mindsets that were not helpful for your growth. I dont want this post to sound negative, just need some help. I see the light but the darkness in my past can sometimes cloud my entire day and ruin my momentum.

Pretty valid question and point here and one of the biggest reasons people don’t ever reach their true potential.
Aside from reading endlessly on the topic of mental strength, clarity, and best practices for focusing on the right thing, I recommend meditation - which is essentially hyper focusing.

If you’re looking for immediate and profound results...and I’m sure I might take a little flack for this...but look into Pineal Gland Decalcification or Pineal Gland Reset — find a practitioner near you, pay them $100 or so, thank me later...

good luck brother

 

[MetalGear]

About a week ago I was walking to the gym when I remembered a relative chastising and trying to embarrass me in front of other relatives because he said "You should get married and have kids already or they'll come out retarded".

I remembered this moment because Thanksgiving is around the corner and I am not looking forward to seeing this relative. I COMPLETELY MISSED AND WALKED PAST THE GYM BECAUSE I WAS SO ANGRY. This person's upbringing and culture tells them people should get married before 25. This person is also probably jealous at my recent success...and wanted to get a reaction out of me.

What does it matter though? How does the past, anger, or any of that serve me? And why the heck did I give them 5 minutes of my day and that many joules of mental energy?

• I highly recommend you read Atomic Habits by James Clear
• Here is a summary from Derek Sivers's site.

• Identity level change is the highest level as opposed to having a goal related change.
  • “Identity” derived from the Latin “essentitas”, which means being, and “identidem”, which means repeatedly.
  • Learn and continually practice where your focus/attention goes
  • Continually choose the WAY OF BEING that serves you
    • Past mistakes, breakups, failures?
    • Or the present reality that we are creating/interacting in?

• Who is the type of person that could get the outcome I want?
• Who is the type of person that could lose forty pounds?
• Who is the type of person that could learn a new language?

• Choices determine the difference between who you are and who you could be.
  • You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results.
  • Your outcomes are a lagging measure of your habits.
  • Your weight is a lagging measure of your eating habits.
  • Your knowledge is a lagging measure of your learning habits.

• Bamboo can barely be seen for the first five years as it builds extensive root systems underground before exploding ninety feet into the air within six weeks.
  • If you completely ignored your goals and focused only on your system, would you still succeed?
  • Goals are good for setting a direction, but systems are best for making progress.
  • Fall in love with the process rather than the product. WHO ELSE SAID THIS
• A systems-first mentality beats a goal-oriented mind-set.
  • Runners work hard for months, but as soon as they cross the finish line, they stop training.
  • When all of your hard work is focused on a particular goal, what is left to push you forward after you achieve it?
  • The purpose of setting goals is to win the game.
  • The purpose of building systems is to continue playing the game.
• You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.

• You are not alone
• In fact I have met many people that have grown out of their past and into the life they want
  • Verbal and physical abuse, divorce, neglect, losing money, you name it
• You would never suspect that the model or multi-millionaires have issues...but they are just like us
• Thank you for your vulnerability and reaching out because other people are going through this

 

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[BizyDad]

You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.

Mic. Drop.

 

[SteveO]

One thing that really stands out is that you have recieved a lot of great answers here. Yet, you have given no real responses and only one "like".

Perhaps you don't care for the answers recieved. I don't know. But a lot of people have taken time to try and help.

 

[MetalGear]

The Dreaded Drama Triangle

View: https://youtu.be/E_XSeUYa0-8

 

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[Brian Suh]

Feeling incredible lately. Mostly because of the direction my life is headed. I truly believe taking action and right mindset with absolute certainty of your result is the key for happiness. Losing is a habit. So is winning. Your losing habits may not even be conscious.