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Communication - What's the Deal??

Tyler Ellison

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Read 'How to win friends and influence people' by Carnegie. I was once like you. The book changed my life.

That book also totally changed my life. I was socially handicapped by the basic misunderstanding that I wanted everybody else to change their frequency to match mine to be in sync. This book taught me that everybody else thinks that too, and that if I want to be in sync with somebody and communicate effectively, I need to change my frequency to match theirs in order to get rapport, not obligate them to change theirs.

I became socially tolerable instead of an anti-social d-bag after reading that book. I'd say that's considerable progress.
 
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damondietz

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Anyways. How about you answer this question while I go get dinner with a cute girl.

What are your rules for communication? What has to happen for people to understand? What has to happen for respectful communication? (ooo that's a good one for you) What has to happen to get your point across? What has to happen for people to influence you? What has to happen for you to influence others?

Just list out some of your rules and be brutally honest. No judgment zone.

If you list out your rules we can fix this in the matter of 20 minutes -- or at least greatly improve your communication with you business partners, clients, and loved ones.

:brb:

My rules for communication are (no judgement, you promised!)
• good eye contact (both parties)
• ask open ended questions
• no interrupting
• smiling/emitting positive energy
• listen when other person is talking

So, that's my list. It goes both ways. When I get frustrated is if I am talking and am interrupted. Or, the person I'm talking to is looking over my shoulder or around the room and seems they are disinterested. It's that type of stuff that bothers me.
 

damondietz

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Just a side note, I definitely want to take a minute to thank everyone who gave genuine advice and constructive feedback. I appreciate it.

I have much to learn (in life, business, communication, etc.) and while it seems to some that I have come across as "arrogant," a "jerk," and an "a**hole," I assure you I am not. I have my opinions and I am passionate about certain things, so I can see how on a forum I may be misinterpreted. However, the name calling and mean spiritedness of some replies in this post is uncalled for. I do very much appreciate the positive criticisms and all feedback given. Thank you!!
 

jon.a

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Just a side note, I definitely want to take a minute to thank everyone who gave genuine advice and constructive feedback. I appreciate it.

I have much to learn (in life, business, communication, etc.) and while it seems to some that I have come across as "arrogant," a "jerk," and an "a**hole," I assure you I am not. I have my opinions and I am passionate about certain things, so I can see how on a forum I may be misinterpreted. However, the name calling and mean spiritedness of some replies in this post is uncalled for. I do very much appreciate the positive criticisms and all feedback given. Thank you!!

You still don't seem to "get it"
 
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jason91

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My rules for communication are (no judgement, you promised!)
• good eye contact (both parties)
• ask open ended questions
• no interrupting
• smiling/emitting positive energy
• listen when other person is talking

So, that's my list. It goes both ways. When I get frustrated is if I am talking and am interrupted. Or, the person I'm talking to is looking over my shoulder or around the room and seems they are disinterested. It's that type of stuff that bothers me.
You have this set of standards and expectations for others...

Let me give you a reality check -

others often do not have good eye contact,
they do not ask open ended questions,
they do interrupt,
they don't smile and speak with frustration,
they don't listen when you speak unless it's about something that is so interesting to them they couldn't possibly not listen.

Now what are you going to do? Are you going to try to communicate with them or get frustrated because they didn't listen to the uninteresting words coming out of your mouth?

They don't need to listen to you. You need to give them reasons to listen.

Bill Gates doesn't say hey everyone needs to listen to me - he shows them he has valuable information to speak about - so people listen.

So once again... what makes you so important that people need to adjust their listening to fit your speaking?
 

Kung Fu Steve

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My rules for communication are (no judgement, you promised!)
• good eye contact (both parties)
• ask open ended questions
• no interrupting
• smiling/emitting positive energy
• listen when other person is talking

So, that's my list. It goes both ways. When I get frustrated is if I am talking and am interrupted. Or, the person I'm talking to is looking over my shoulder or around the room and seems they are disinterested. It's that type of stuff that bothers me.

So this is a quick and dirty list. I bet if you had more time to think about it and I kept asking "what else has to happen" you'd uncover some really crazy rules you probably didn't even know you had.

Obviously one of your rules is that "for good communication someone must never interrupt me" ... or maybe that even goes with "for someone to respect me, they must never interrupt me" (which might explain why you become upset when someone does)

Which is *fine* if everyone played by your rules... but no two people ever have the same exact rules.

Someone sitting across the table might think...

"If I don't interrupt this guy, he'll walk all over me."
"If I don't interrupt this guy, I'll never be able to express my objection/concern."
"If I don't interrupt this guy, he won't respect me."
"I really need to pee and if I don't interrupt this guy, he'll never stop talking!"

The first habit to get into to is to stop getting upset and start getting curious.

Many cultures around the world eye contact is seen as disrespectful or rude. Your rules need to change for them. Some people find you intimidating so they may look away or down. Some people are trying to think about what you're saying and they need to look up and away (accessing memories).

So the rule for "good eye contact" may not always be appropriate! Instead of being upset you may start asking "why are they looking away?" Are they nervous? Are the preoccupied? Are they worried? Are they thinking? Are they confused?

If they interrupt -- why are they interrupting? Is it because they are not listening? Am I not engaging them enough? Are they confused about what I said? AM I talking to fast for them to understand? Am I too over the top for the old geezer? Am I too aggressive for the person who is intimidated?

If they are not smiling -- why not? Are they extremely focused on what you're saying? Are the lights in the room too bright and they are bothered by the light? Do they have a headache? Are they actually not liking what you're saying?

What I'm trying to get across is that we all have these rules that seem ridiculous when it comes to examples like this. If you rule is they must always smile -- I have bad news, buddy -- you're going to be upset 99% of the time.

Just like my friend who was only happy at 72 degree and 0 humidity outside with 3 clouds in the sky (no more, no less).

To be happy the majority of the time your rules for success/happiness/whatever cannot be determined by external things. The weather is one, but people is the major one. You can't control other people and they are acting in certain ways most of the time for waaaaaaaaay different reasons than you think they are.

Just think: if you're upset -- you've probably misinterpreted the situation.

It's rare people interrupt you because they are trying to be a dick. It's much more likely they aren't great listeners or maybe they have a burning question they need answered before you move on, or even maybe they don't process information the same way you do and need it slower or with more visuals or whatever.

So who decides your rules? You do, of course!

The first step is uncovering them -- self-awareness.

The second step is starting to eliminate the ones that may not be met for any number of reasons (especially external)

The third step is to get curious instead of furious.

Hope this helps.

P.S. The same reason I hate most school teachers. They have their own rules about how children should learn (or the State's idea of how they should learn)... if they are not auditory learners -- they are stupid. If they can't watch a crappy 2 hour documentary on the mating rituals of dolphins -- they are ADD. If they are a kinesthetic learners they are obviously adHd.

Anyways, I'll get off my high horse now.
 

Kung Fu Steve

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Oh and one more note for everyone else -- a very good learning opportunity.

Many of us have said something along the lines of: "what makes you so important that people need to adjust to you?"

If you pay close attention to his words and his responses here -- saying this (and similar sayings) didn't build much rapport with him, did it?

We can easily sit back and judge and say "he's a dick, he's this, he's that" because we don't understand -- but the truth is his communication style is just different.

He thinks slow talkers/processors/auditory/visual learners are idiots, you think he's an idiot because he speaks faster/is a kinesthetic learner.

We could consider his personality the "director" type. He gets the job done and doesn't give a damn what you think.

The fact is, if you are in business you are going to deal with this personality type... A LOT -- you'd better learn how to deal with it. Not make him wrong, not judge, understand how to communicate properly with directors.
 
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SteveO

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We all have these rules that guide us throughout life. How we think life should be/shouldn't be.
!!!!!!!!!

I refer to them as "belief systems". We are all so totally conditioned from childhood about what is right/wrong, good/bad, black/white. It taints our attitude towards life and living, causes confusion and difficulties, and may even stop us from seeing reality.

As a result, we see things as right or wrong without even having enough information to form opinions.

I have been using this tool of examining my belief systems to see how they are coloring my world. It is amazing when you think about it. For example, why do I get angry at other drivers on the road? Is it because the are inconsiderate to me? When I really dissect this, it is because I seem to feel harmed in some way. But I cannot put a finger on why. My perception is that I am being harmed even if it is just my ego.

Whenever I experience an emotion, I try to look at it to understand where this is coming from. Most of the negative emotions that I experience in a day simply boil down to my ego.

This is why I need to work on this!
 

jason91

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Oh and one more note for everyone else -- a very good learning opportunity.

Many of us have said something along the lines of: "what makes you so important that people need to adjust to you?"

If you pay close attention to his words and his responses here -- saying this (and similar sayings) didn't build much rapport with him, did it?

We can easily sit back and judge and say "he's a dick, he's this, he's that" because we don't understand -- but the truth is his communication style is just different.

He thinks slow talkers/processors/auditory/visual learners are idiots, you think he's an idiot because he speaks faster/is a kinesthetic learner.

We could consider his personality the "director" type. He gets the job done and doesn't give a damn what you think.

The fact is, if you are in business you are going to deal with this personality type... A LOT -- you'd better learn how to deal with it. Not make him wrong, not judge, understand how to communicate properly with directors.
Here's a perfectly good example of communication - one person writes one thing, but the audience can perceive it differently.

I had the goal of giving harsh feedback to make him see the light of day - because in business - nobody will break down what happened for you - whether your campaign doesn't generate any sales, or it does generate sales - you need to understand it yourself.

Kung Fu Steve perceived the communication as judging damondietz, when in my mind - I wanted to help him see clearly without sugar coating anything.

I don't look at these posts as a way for me to sell myself, it's for learning - hence the harsh feedback. I would never tell a customer they're retarded - why should I? I want their money, they want my service or product - I could care less whether they suck at communicating or are good.

But here on this forum, I think everyone wants to improve themselves - and sometimes the hard truth helps more
 
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Kung Fu Steve

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@Kung Fu Steve
I had no idea that you housed so much wisdom in that squirrely brain of yours. Behind all your antics is a guru.... :rockon:

Bwahaha I think that's what I want on my tombstone now

"Behind all of his antics... he sure was a guru."

Don't worry SteveO, I've learned from the best... antics and... guru-ness... not sure which you taught me but it sure was one of them!!!
 

splok

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I have much to learn (in life, business, communication, etc.) and while it seems to some that I have come across as "arrogant," a "jerk," and an "a**hole," I assure you I am not. I have my opinions and I am passionate about certain things, so I can see how on a forum I may be misinterpreted.

You've gotten enough brilliant advice in this thread that it should probably be gold, seriously. It seems like you're taking some of it in too, which is even better! Usually posts like this don't go very well. I started to respond when you first posted, but thought "nah, this is going to be a train-wreck"... so hey, if nothing else, grats on making some progress!

However, I just wanted to say this: Your reality does NOT matter to anyone but you.

If I think you're an a**hole, then guess what? You're an a**hole. Same thing with anyone that you ever talk to.

No one ever misinterprets you. They judge you by comparing their experience with you to whatever mental model they have about how people should behave. If you don't want them to think you're an a**hole, you need to behave in a way that doesn't align with their preconceived a**hole pattern. You will never, ever logic someone out of this perception. You might (if they give you the opportunity after a bad first impression) engage them enough that they start to see other qualities in you that shift you closer to a different pattern though (as you seem to be doing here).

Of course, some people really don't care how people perceive them, and that's fine. It's probably the least stressful way to live. However, it can make some things considerably more difficult.

When I get frustrated is if I am talking and am interrupted. Or, the person I'm talking to is looking over my shoulder or around the room and seems they are disinterested..

Well, I don't like those things either. I doubt anyone does. But would getting frustrated make me a better communicator? No? Then why would I do it? Sure, it may be an instinctive reaction, but with some work, we can change how we react. It may not be easy, but it's infinitely easier than changing someone else.

Just assume that if someone does something frustrating, YOU have directly caused them to do it. Even if it isn't objectively true, you'd be better served by having a beneficial delusion here. There are lots of reasons someone may be interrupting you. Some are almost certainly because of you and some are almost certainly unrelated, but guess which ones you can actually do something about?
 

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We all need a little karate chop to the throat once in a while... keeps us on our toes ;)

We all have these rules that guide us throughout life. How we think life should be/shouldn't be.

I can usually demonstrate this by asking a general question like "are you happy?"

You'll respond yes, no, sometimes, maybe, most of the time -- whatever.

But my question then is "what has to happen for you to be happy?"

You might have a list something along the lines of to be happy I must...

  • ...earn $xxxxx
  • ...weigh xxxx
  • ...accomplish xyz
  • ...wear this...
etc. etc.

Obviously if you have a LOT of rules for being happy -- you'll never be happy.

Here's the key distinction: all upsets are caused from a violation of rules.

Obviously if you must(not should) earn $1,000,000 to be happy and you don't earn that much -- you won't be happy.

Simple example but in the real world it's extremely accurate. I have a friend who truly believes it's not a great day unless the weather is perfect. Not too hot (she doesn't like to sweat), not too cold (she hates the cold), not too humid (it messes up her hair), not raining (rain is fine unless it messes up her hair), not snowing (it's a pain to drive in) -- etc. etc. etc.

You can tell pretty easy she doesn't experience great days very often.

Since all upsets are caused by a violation of rules -- our first step is always to have less rules.

Less rules for happiness, less rules for success, less rules for love, less rules for everything. (But don't confuse having less rules for lowering your standards)

To bring it back to communication, you have these rules (which you probably aren't even consciously aware of) about how proper communication should go.

This is why the last sentence I used in the previous reply was "what has to happen for great communication?"

If you're up for it -- write your responses here on this thread because we can all learn a lot.

If I just willy-nilly throw up my rules for great communication in my view (without putting much thought into it) it would look something like this:

To be a GREAT communicator I must...
  • Listen more than I talk
  • Understand what they are saying
  • Ask lots of questions
  • Look into someone's eyes when appropriate (I have a whole list of rules of whats "appropriate")
  • Match their body language
  • Match some of their vocabulary
  • Match the speed of their speech
  • Match the tonality they use
For some things it pays to have a lot of rules (standards for greatness vs. rules for happiness)

My rule for being happy? Wake up. That's it. I think you'll find most of the people on the forum think I'm on some sort of drugs all the time because I'm always happy-go-lucky.

Anyways. How about you answer this question while I go get dinner with a cute girl.

What are your rules for communication? What has to happen for people to understand? What has to happen for respectful communication? (ooo that's a good one for you) What has to happen to get your point across? What has to happen for people to influence you? What has to happen for you to influence others?

Just list out some of your rules and be brutally honest. No judgment zone.

If you list out your rules we can fix this in the matter of 20 minutes -- or at least greatly improve your communication with you business partners, clients, and loved ones.

:brb:
Holy shit you are like a prophet or something. Very insightful.
 
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James Thornton

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Simple solution (right under your nose): Just make an online course for how to become an auctioneer.

>>>fastlane>>>
 

Andy Black

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Some great advice in this thread, especially @Kung Fu Steve ... thanks man.

One of the best pieces of advice I was told about communication is in this post.
 
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Gsuz

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Some great advice in this thread!

I want to add something that improved my conversations a lot and that is: Being comfortable with silence.

I used to go in this kind of rapid fire mode talking constantly with 90% of the conversation led by me, because it couldn't stand the silence and wanted to avoid it like the plague. I asked questions, then filled in the answers myself, because I hated the natural breaks that occur if someone has to think about something or is trying to verbalize his thoughts. I also ended up saying waaay more stuff, things I didn't want to share, than intended simply because I wanted to fill in the void.

Then somehow I realized that there is nothing awkward about silence and that I want to have a conversation that grows, flows and lives, I need to give the other person time and space to breathe, literally and metaphorically.
 

Coach Shane

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I hear you!! I "used to be" a fast talker, too. But, there is some merit in slowing down. The fact is, some people just can't take the speed. They are JUST as EAGER as the fast listeners, but their PC is still running Windows 95!

There's a REALLY good way to learn how to make your point with "everyone". Don't berate me..."Toastmasters". I'm not joking.

Remember, when it comes to sales, you may have the "perfect avatar" in your mind, but at the end of the day, him with bulging wallet is best customer!

Peace!
 

Andy Black

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Some great advice in this thread!

I want to add something that improved my conversations a lot and that is: Being comfortable with silence.

I used to go in this kind of rapid fire mode talking constantly with 90% of the conversation led by me, because it couldn't stand the silence and wanted to avoid it like the plague. I asked questions, then filled in the answers myself, because I hated the natural breaks that occur if someone has to think about something or is trying to verbalize his thoughts. I also ended up saying waaay more stuff, things I didn't want to share, than intended simply because I wanted to fill in the void.

Then somehow I realized that there is nothing awkward about silence and that I want to have a conversation that grows, flows and lives, I need to give the other person time and space to breathe, literally and metaphorically.
Guilty as charged!

I sometimes have to deliberately slow down, breathe, and refocus on the other person.

When I don't, it's a train wreck.
 
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pickeringmt

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Read THICK FACE, BLACK HEART.
Man this is one of those books that you hear about very little, but everybody should read. Solid gold.

There is a lot of value in this thread, but I personally don't have the "checklist" mentality when it comes to communication.

I don't think in advance, OK:
  • make eye contact
  • don't interrupt
  • say nice things about their shoes
  • etc
I think you can wrap the entire thing up into the single goal of focusing entirely on the desires and motivations of the person you are talking to - GENUINELY.

In any situation, a complete focus on the other person makes communication most effective.

Your point will make itself if you give them a channel to make their own. That is all most people really want anyways - to be heard and understood, to feel significant.
 

damondietz

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I think you can wrap the entire thing up into the single goal of focusing entirely on the desires and motivations of the person you are talking to - GENUINELY.

I agree with this totally and love this mindset. Focusing on their needs will allow me to stop worrying about my own unconscious "rules" that were prohibiting me from being as effective as I could be!!
 

MJ DeMarco

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Tagged Notable, willing to upgrade to GOLD if recommended further. @damondietz - kudos for you in sticking around and taking some beats. Very "Fastlane". :)
 
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damondietz

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Tagged Notable, willing to upgrade to GOLD if recommended further. @damondietz - kudos for you in sticking around and taking some beats. Very "Fastlane". :)

It was tough at first because I really didn't expect people to get so heated about such a simple topic but then I realized people are just being passionate like me. I love a good debate and great conversation, especially when people can learn from it. Thanks!!
 

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I used to be like you.

Then I learned that I make more money when I let other people speak.

I learned to listen.

I like money more than I like to talk past people.

Read THICK FACE, BLACK HEART.

Rep + for solving a problem that I have and many others likely have
 

jon.a

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It was tough at first because I really didn't expect people to get so heated about such a simple topic but then I realized people are just being passionate like me. I love a good debate and great conversation, especially when people can learn from it. Thanks!!

Being passionate about what you are selling or presenting to another is of course great and hopefully it WILL grab their attention and your enthusiasm for it WILL become infectious. But why not arm yourself with the skills to almost guarantee this will happen...

One of your pet peeves is that while you are talking they start gazing over your shoulder, looking around & not giving you their full attention.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT you need to work on your presentation, you need to learn how to present your product or yourself in such a way as to dazzle, mesmerize and inject the same level of passion and enthusiasm you feel into your audience.

You hate being interrupted while you are speaking but EVERY interruption is an opportunity to hear their thoughts & opinions and possible objections which you can; if you are prepared, address right then and there and build THEIR level of enthusiasm with every objection or interruption.

Being able to sell an idea, service or product is all about discovering your prospects needs, wants and desires which can only be done by LISTENING.

As has been mentioned already learn from the great communicators, salespeople and actors on how to use tone and intonation to draw a person in and hold their attention so they hang on your every word until they become like putty in your hand.
And remember there is nothing more scintillating,tantalizing and exciting as...







A Dramatic pause...
 

merc

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I used to be like you.

Then I learned that I make more money when I let other people speak.

I learned to listen.

I like money more than I like to talk past people.

Read THICK FACE, BLACK HEART.

After seeing the countless recommendations on this forum for this book I finally caved and picked it up. I'm halfway through and I literally have 3 pages worth of notes already. @OP, do yourself a favor and pick this one up. It's going to be up there with TMF on my top 10 list of books.
 

damondietz

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After seeing the countless recommendations on this forum for this book I finally caved and picked it up. I'm halfway through and I literally have 3 pages worth of notes already. @OP, do yourself a favor and pick this one up. It's going to be up there with TMF on my top 10 list of books.

Way ahead of you bro. Bought it already.
 
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