Communication - What's the Deal??

[damondietz]

I got into a discussion on another thread about communication and it was suggestion to start a new thread as to not derail the other. So, here is my issue...

It fires me up when people tell me to "calm down" or "slow down." Look, I talk fast. I am passionate, but it annoys me when others see it as a character flaw. If someone asks me nicely, "can you please repeat that because you said it a little fast for me," that is one thing. But it's super condescending and disrespectful to me when someone interrupts me and tells me to "slow down." That fires me up. I am fired up now just thinking about it.

Others tend to think it's my job as the "sender" of information to adjust my speed/tempo/excitement to the "receiver" in the conversation. While I agree that this probably should be the case, it just honestly doesn't always happen. I don't think that gives the other person the right to be condecending or mean about it. I would never demean someone with an accent or someone who talked slower than me because I wasn't understanding or didn't like the way the message was being sent to me.

Your thoughts?

 

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[jon.a]

You don't have a communication problem, you have an attitude problem. Do you really take yourself so seriously?

 

[damondietz]

Do you really take yourself so seriously?

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

 

[jon.a]

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

I mean that you present yourself as if you believe that you are the most important person in the room. There are many here that are regularly genuinely, the most important person in the room. It's a position that carries a great responsibility. The most important person in a room has a duty to lead, guide and help others. Not an obligation to be listened to.

 

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[Mass]

For what its worth I believe that communication is a two way street, both parties need to make effort to ensure that they are both understood.

However, as the person initiating communication the onus is on you to establish rapport. This cannot be done unless you match yourself to the person you are communicating.

There are numerous articles on this and working in Sales I can safely say that being able to mirror someones speech patterns, tone, pace, depth, vocabulary makes a huge difference. Think like this, if you shouted at the top of your voice in a aggressive tone "I love you" at your wife, shes highly unlikely to think "Awwww, isn't he so kind and considerate".

 

[damondietz]

I mean that you present yourself as if you believe that you are the most important person in the room.

First, you misinterpreted how I presented myself. Then you proceed to ask if I take myself seriously. Finally, you give me a lecture on great responsibility.

Forgive me for my assumption, but you present yourself as you having a bit of an attitude problem. So, at this time I will thank you for your feedback and move on back toward positivity and far away from this foolishness. Have a great day!

 

[jon.a]

First, you misinterpreted how I presented myself. Then you proceed to ask if I take myself seriously. Finally, you give me a lecture on great responsibility.

Forgive me for my assumption, but you present yourself as you having a bit of an attitude problem. So, at this time I will thank you for your feedback and move on back toward positivity and far away from this foolishness. Have a great day!

Okay, you win.

 

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[SteveO]

I don't think that gives the other person the right to be condecending or mean about it.

Would it be different if you were not viewing the other person as being condescending or mean?

 

[damondietz]

Would it be different if you were not viewing the other person as being condescending or mean?

Probably. But it's hard to do that when you hear in their tone that they are not being nice about it.

I am not sure why it bothers me, it just does.

 

[pickeringmt]

First, you misinterpreted how I presented myself.

Dude, you don't seem to understand communication at all. You can't approach it with this sense of entitlement.

Nobody owes it to you to understand you - that is exactly what communication IS NOT.

Being a good communicator means putting things to people in the best way for them.

From what I can tell, you are basically saying the equivalent of, "I speak English, and I'm tired of Chinese people not understanding me! Why should I have to speak Chinese?"

The answer is - you don't have to change anything if your goal is to get what you are already getting. If you want different results, it is on YOU to change your actions.

@Arrabista covered this at the meetup better than I ever could

 

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[damondietz]

From what I can tell, you are basically saying the equivalent of, "I speak English, and I'm tired of Chinese people not understanding me! Why should I have to speak Chinese?"

@Arrabista covered this at the meetup better than I ever could

Very insightful. This actually is a very good analogy to what I am saying. I am having an internal struggle between wanting to be who I am and not change the way I speak vs. doing what I know is necessary to become a better/more effective communicator.

Thanks for the reply. You gave me something to think about.

 

[jon.a]

Probably. But it's hard to do that when you hear in their tone that they are not being nice about it.

I am not sure why it bothers me, it just does.

It bothers you because it was meant to bother you. I was very clear and you understood the words. You failed to consider the message though.

 

[pickeringmt]

I am having an internal struggle between wanting to be who I am and not change the way I speak

I wouldn't look at this as changing who you are man - it is more improving on who you are

It is only a matter of repackaging things to be more effective.

Being a better communicator will make you MORE of your authentic self.

 

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[JAJT]

If you want to communicate a message to others then learn to tailor your message for comprehension to your audience.

Otherwise you just want people to sit there and be quiet while you make mouth noises at them.

 

[Michał Kóska]

Communication works only when both people listen to each other. @jon.a is totally right. Looks like you just don't care about what the other person has to say and you piss them off. I can see it just looking at what you wrote in this thread. Greetz

 

[damondietz]

Communication works only when both people listen to each other. @jon.a is totally right. Looks like you just don't care about what the other person has to say and you piss them off. I can see it just looking at what you wrote in this thread. Greetz

I do appreciate your point of view and thanks for responding. I will disagree with you about not caring what the other person has to say. When presented in a polite way, I am happy to slow down. It's only when interrupted or demeaned while speaking that I get upset. Maybe I am wrong for feeling that way, as I am learning in this thread. But to say I don't care isn't a fair or accurate assessment.

 

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[jon.a]

let's look at a different point. What people perceive is their reality. If people are perceiving you to be a jerk, then to them you are a jerk.

 

[ZCP]

If someone does not understand you, that is on you, not them. Try a different approach or study 'how' they want to or will hear it.

Same as marketing. If you use the wrong language, or the wrong wording, or the wrong images..... they will not get your message. You won't get the courtesy of a 'slow down, dude'.

Also remember that pushy salesmen often use the loud, fast, in your face, why can't you hear me style of communication. Some people are wired to be guarded against it.

Read some Carnegie and try to incorporate into your pitches.....

A challenge: for one week, speak slower / softer / more patiently. See if communications improve. If they get worse, @jon.a will eat his hat.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Your thoughts?

Calling @Arrabista !!

 

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[Kung Fu Steve]

I do appreciate your point of view and thanks for responding. I will disagree with you about not caring what the other person has to say. When presented in a polite way, I am happy to slow down. It's only when interrupted or demeaned while speaking that I get upset. Maybe I am wrong for feeling that way, as I am learning in this thread. But to say I don't care isn't a fair or accurate assessment.

If you're honestly looking for advice to improve in this area I might suggest you raise your level of self-awareness.

Looking at a silly little exchange between you and @jon.a told me everything I need to know about your communication skills.

It seems like (I don't know the real truth, I don't know you) your only method of influence when communicating with other people is to use what would influence you (faster paced, high intensity, lots of passion, excitement, and energy) -- which is great... only for people like you.

I'm very similar. I speak too fast, I speak too loud, I have too many thoughts and ideas. But I forced myself to "seek first to understand, then to be understood."

One more thing (and I can say this because I'm the same) is that you do have a very arrogant way of communication. It's not an attack by any means -- just bringing it to the surface.

Simply by saying "When presented in a polite way, I am happy to slow down" it tells me that you have many conditions or rules for how people should treat you. If any of those rules are violated (e.g. being interrupted) you instantly become upset/frustrated/pissed off and of course when said this way we would all get a little defensive.

To take the emotion out of communication, have less rules...

Rules like:

"No one should interrupt me when I speak"
"No one should speak too slowly to me"
"Everyone should understand because they should listen better"
"They should all communicate like I do"

Not everyone has your life experience and you can't fault them for that. Just because everyone else on the planet (besides you) is a rude jerk who interrupts you doesn't mean you should look down on them... even if they are lower beings. (hehehe just a playful jab)

But seriously... self-awareness... that starts with asking about these rules.

What has to happen for great communication?

 

[Vigilante]

I used to be like you.

Then I learned that I make more money when I let other people speak.

I learned to listen.

I like money more than I like to talk past people.

Read THICK FACE, BLACK HEART.

 

[jason91]

First, you misinterpreted how I presented myself. Then you proceed to ask if I take myself seriously. Finally, you give me a lecture on great responsibility.

Forgive me for my assumption, but you present yourself as you having a bit of an attitude problem. So, at this time I will thank you for your feedback and move on back toward positivity and far away from this foolishness. Have a great day!

You know.. you do have an attitude..

Lol no amount of positivity will remove that fact..

if you think everyone in the room is an a**hole you're the a**hole.

If everyone in the room thinks you have an attitude problem - you probably do

 

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[damondietz]

If you're honestly looking for advice to improve in this area I might suggest you raise your level of self-awareness.

Looking at a silly little exchange between you and @jon.a told me everything I need to know about your communication skills.

It seems like (I don't know the real truth, I don't know you) your only method of influence when communicating with other people is to use what would influence you (faster paced, high intensity, lots of passion, excitement, and energy) -- which is great... only for people like you.

I'm very similar. I speak too fast, I speak too loud, I have too many thoughts and ideas. But I forced myself to "seek first to understand, then to be understood."

One more thing (and I can say this because I'm the same) is that you do have a very arrogant way of communication. It's not an attack by any means -- just bringing it to the surface.

Simply by saying "When presented in a polite way, I am happy to slow down" it tells me that you have many conditions or rules for how people should treat you. If any of those rules are violated (e.g. being interrupted) you instantly become upset/frustrated/pissed off and of course when said this way we would all get a little defensive.

To take the emotion out of communication, have less rules...

Rules like:

"No one should interrupt me when I speak"
"No one should speak too slowly to me"
"Everyone should understand because they should listen better"
"They should all communicate like I do"

Not everyone has your life experience and you can't fault them for that. Just because everyone else on the planet (besides you) is a rude jerk who interrupts you doesn't mean you should look down on them... even if they are lower beings. (hehehe just a playful jab)

But seriously... self-awareness... that starts with asking about these rules.

What has to happen for great communication?

This is an amazing response (besides the jab, LOL). Thank you.

How do I you suggest that I change my mindset from getting frustrated/upset when being interrupted to a calmer or different reaction? This seems like it will be q challenge for me.

 

[jason91]

I got into a discussion on another thread about communication and it was suggestion to start a new thread as to not derail the other. So, here is my issue...

It fires me up when people tell me to "calm down" or "slow down." Look, I talk fast. I am passionate, but it annoys me when others see it as a character flaw. If someone asks me nicely, "can you please repeat that because you said it a little fast for me," that is one thing. But it's super condescending and disrespectful to me when someone interrupts me and tells me to "slow down." That fires me up. I am fired up now just thinking about it.

Others tend to think it's my job as the "sender" of information to adjust my speed/tempo/excitement to the "receiver" in the conversation. While I agree that this probably should be the case, it just honestly doesn't always happen. I don't think that gives the other person the right to be condecending or mean about it. I would never demean someone with an accent or someone who talked slower than me because I wasn't understanding or didn't like the way the message was being sent to me.

Your thoughts?

But on the communication problem..

Why do you feel it's not your responsibility to adjust your speaking for the audience?

Do you think Obama says - HEY ITS NOT MY F*ckIN RESPONSIBILITY TO TALK SO ALL AMERICANS CAN UNDERSTAND WTF IM SAYING

IM SO PASSIONATE IN EED TO **** SPEAK LOUD SO THEY KNOW WHO I AM..

Rather it's not really about him - it's more about his role as president. He has to communicate effectively because the country is what matters - he is just one person who happens to have a huge amount of responsibility for guiding the whole country.

So... why do you feel the listener needs to learn the way you speak to adjust to you?

 

[jon.a]

This is an amazing response (besides the jab, LOL). Thank you.

How do I you suggest that I change my mindset from getting frustrated/upset when being interrupted to a calmer or different reaction? This seems like it will be q challenge for me.

At the risk of pissing you off again, I would suggest calming down, listening, learning.

 

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[ZCP]

Read 'How to win friends and influence people' by Carnegie. I was once like you. The book changed my life.

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

This is an amazing response (besides the jab, LOL). Thank you.

How do I you suggest that I change my mindset from getting frustrated/upset when being interrupted to a calmer or different reaction? This seems like it will be q challenge for me.

We all need a little karate chop to the throat once in a while... keeps us on our toes

We all have these rules that guide us throughout life. How we think life should be/shouldn't be.

I can usually demonstrate this by asking a general question like "are you happy?"

You'll respond yes, no, sometimes, maybe, most of the time -- whatever.

But my question then is "what has to happen for you to be happy?"

You might have a list something along the lines of to be happy I must...

• ...earn $xxxxx
• ...weigh xxxx
• ...accomplish xyz
• ...wear this...

etc. etc.

Obviously if you have a LOT of rules for being happy -- you'll never be happy.

Here's the key distinction: all upsets are caused from a violation of rules.

Obviously if you must(not should) earn $1,000,000 to be happy and you don't earn that much -- you won't be happy.

Simple example but in the real world it's extremely accurate. I have a friend who truly believes it's not a great day unless the weather is perfect. Not too hot (she doesn't like to sweat), not too cold (she hates the cold), not too humid (it messes up her hair), not raining (rain is fine unless it messes up her hair), not snowing (it's a pain to drive in) -- etc. etc. etc.

You can tell pretty easy she doesn't experience great days very often.

Since all upsets are caused by a violation of rules -- our first step is always to have less rules.

Less rules for happiness, less rules for success, less rules for love, less rules for everything. (But don't confuse having less rules for lowering your standards)

To bring it back to communication, you have these rules (which you probably aren't even consciously aware of) about how proper communication should go.

This is why the last sentence I used in the previous reply was "what has to happen for great communication?"

If you're up for it -- write your responses here on this thread because we can all learn a lot.

If I just willy-nilly throw up my rules for great communication in my view (without putting much thought into it) it would look something like this:

To be a GREAT communicator I must...

• Listen more than I talk
• Understand what they are saying
• Ask lots of questions
  
• Look into someone's eyes when appropriate (I have a whole list of rules of whats "appropriate")
• Match their body language
• Match some of their vocabulary
• Match the speed of their speech
• Match the tonality they use

For some things it pays to have a lot of rules (standards for greatness vs. rules for happiness)

My rule for being happy? Wake up. That's it. I think you'll find most of the people on the forum think I'm on some sort of drugs all the time because I'm always happy-go-lucky.

Anyways. How about you answer this question while I go get dinner with a cute girl.

What are your rules for communication? What has to happen for people to understand? What has to happen for respectful communication? (ooo that's a good one for you) What has to happen to get your point across? What has to happen for people to influence you? What has to happen for you to influence others?

Just list out some of your rules and be brutally honest. No judgment zone.

If you list out your rules we can fix this in the matter of 20 minutes -- or at least greatly improve your communication with you business partners, clients, and loved ones.

 

[Abdiel]

I had a great English professor in high school 10 years ago that always said; "If you're going to share your knowledge, take the 'I' out of the conversation". When we want to share information, it's our responsibility to actually be communicative to the point of simplifying our 'voice' if necessary. Else we're just showing off and the sharing of information will be meaningless.
In which case we'll either:
A) receive silence in return or
B) receive pointers on what you need to fix

When you concentrate on keeping your voice above the listener you end up failing to actually pass over your ideas. If the other party says you're talking fast then that means you're talking fast. It's not to be taken as an insult, take it as actual pointers and an opportunity to not repeat the same mistake.

 

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[jon.a]

We all need a little karate chop to the throat once in a while... keeps us on our toes

We all have these rules that guide us throughout life. How we think life should be/shouldn't be.

I can usually demonstrate this by asking a general question like "are you happy?"

You'll respond yes, no, sometimes, maybe, most of the time -- whatever.

But my question then is "what has to happen for you to be happy?"

You might have a list something along the lines of to be happy I must...

• ...earn $xxxxx
• ...weigh xxxx
• ...accomplish xyz
• ...wear this...

etc. etc.

Obviously if you have a LOT of rules for being happy -- you'll never be happy.

Here's the key distinction: all upsets are caused from a violation of rules.

Obviously if you must(not should) earn $1,000,000 to be happy and you don't earn that much -- you won't be happy.

Simple example but in the real world it's extremely accurate. I have a friend who truly believes it's not a great day unless the weather is perfect. Not too hot (she doesn't like to sweat), not too cold (she hates the cold), not too humid (it messes up her hair), not raining (rain is fine unless it messes up her hair), not snowing (it's a pain to drive in) -- etc. etc. etc.

You can tell pretty easy she doesn't experience great days very often.

Since all upsets are caused by a violation of rules -- our first step is always to have less rules.

Less rules for happiness, less rules for success, less rules for love, less rules for everything. (But don't confuse having less rules for lowering your standards)

To bring it back to communication, you have these rules (which you probably aren't even consciously aware of) about how proper communication should go.

This is why the last sentence I used in the previous reply was "what has to happen for great communication?"

If you're up for it -- write your responses here on this thread because we can all learn a lot.

If I just willy-nilly throw up my rules for great communication in my view (without putting much thought into it) it would look something like this:

To be a GREAT communicator I must...

• Listen more than I talk
• Understand what they are saying
• Ask lots of questions
  
• Look into someone's eyes when appropriate (I have a whole list of rules of whats "appropriate")
• Match their body language
• Match some of their vocabulary
• Match the speed of their speech
• Match the tonality they use

For some things it pays to have a lot of rules (standards for greatness vs. rules for happiness)

My rule for being happy? Wake up. That's it. I think you'll find most of the people on the forum think I'm on some sort of drugs all the time because I'm always happy-go-lucky.

Anyways. How about you answer this question while I go get dinner with a cute girl.

What are your rules for communication? What has to happen for people to understand? What has to happen for respectful communication? (ooo that's a good one for you) What has to happen to get your point across? What has to happen for people to influence you? What has to happen for you to influence others?

Just list out some of your rules and be brutally honest. No judgment zone.

If you list out your rules we can fix this in the matter of 20 minutes -- or at least greatly improve your communication with you business partners, clients, and loved ones.

WELL DONE!

 

[DaRK9]

First, you misinterpreted how I presented myself.

Maybe you aren't communicating clearly.