I was going to post this in the “Men’s Room” forum, but decided against it because I want women to be included as well.
While this isn't business related, I’ve been noticing a lot of this “Pickup Artist” philosophy creeping in on the forums as of late and I have to admit I’m a little disappointed in it.
Just to be clear, I have absolutely no issue with casual sex. When I’m single I do the same thing. It’s whatever. Go get a new girl every night. Whatever you want. I really genuinely have no issue with it.
What I do have an issue with is the ways they go about it. For those that don’t know what “Pickup Artists” teach.. it’s essentially stuff like “Be cocky and funny” (a certain brand of humor where you bust a girls balls while acting like you’re totally ‘the shit.’) Advice like: “Don’t act too needy,” “Be mysterious,” “be unpredictable,” “don’t text her back too quickly” … essentially addressing symptoms of low self-esteem while not addressing the self-esteem itself.
But you see the Pickup Artist mentality on reddit and forums. A guy comes on the forum and says "there's this girl i really like.. what should I do?" And he’s relentlessly made fun of. The guys chime in, tell him to stop being a little bitch, and diagnose him with ‘oneitus.’
In their view, liking one girl is a disease, and if you go and f— 10 girls, you’ll realize how ‘unspecial’ the first girl was. Make no mistake, this is pure psychopathic behavior. Literally. I have a friend who is a diagnosed sociopath, and he does things like this. The Pickup Artist community is literally trying to mold psychopaths.
Every woman is special. They all have unique personalities and quirks and each one of them is interesting in their own way. You should learn to love each and every one of them, rather than listening to some idiots trying to tell you that they’re all disposable f*ckdolls. Again, there’s nothing wrong with having sex with them, but the mentality promotes treating them as objects rather than real unique people with thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, dreams and desires. This is the psychopathic part.
And don’t get it twisted. These Pickup Artists don’t really care about the sex. If they just wanted sex, there are much easier and less time-consuming ways to go about it. Just get a prostitute. Or get a girlfriend. But they don’t just want the sex. They want the ego validation. They want to earn the sex. Actually earning the sex shows they’re good enough to ‘get her.’ If he can get he attention of the hottest girl in the room, he’s finally ‘good enough.’ He’s finally one of the cool guys. But this feeling of validation is short lived, and it won’t be long until he’s out looking for another girl to validate him.
And every night they’re out trying to go out to get their more validation. If they fail with one girl they will spiral and get depressed until they get another girl who does validate them. They want new ones all the time, because there’s no validation in the ones you’ve already had. Where’s the challenge there?
It’s no different than a crack-cocaine addiction. A crack addict acts the same way. They go out every night trying to score a hit, and if they can’t get it, they spiral into depression.
And to be clear, it’s not just men that are the issue. There are just as many female Narcissist as well. So yes, there are Female Pickup Artists. Women just go about it differently. They get all dolled up to go out to the club, look as sexually enticing as possible and take a guy home with them. Similarly, these women aren’t so much after the sex as they are looking for the same thing the men are: Ego Validation. Feeling desirable. Getting all dolled up, get tons of attention at the bar, and take a guy home with them is all validation that they’re good enough. But similar to the men, they never exposed the ‘real her’ to that person. The makeup, the low-cut dress, the sexy heels… it’s just as much of a facade as the man who feigns a ‘cocky/funny’ demeanor and fake confident body language in order to take the girl home with him.
On the male end, all of this ‘Pickup Artistry” stuff is learning to pretend to be a confident guy. Pretending to be a leader. Taking confident body language, and confident voice tones, all the while refusing to expose how you really feel. Why? Deep down, they don’t like themselves. And again, it’s the same with women. They won't expose themselves becasue they don't like who they are. I knew this girl in High School who was so deeply insecure she wouldn’t leave the house without perfectly doing her makeup. She wouldn’t smoke a bowl with friends without doing her makeup first. She wanted no-one to see what she really looked like. And she wasn’t ugly by any stretch of the imagination. She just thought she was. And I think it’s a perfect mirror image of the Pickup Artist facade.
Listen, I’ve been there. I’ve been at the point where I always needed to show up in the nicest car, always had to look perfect, always had to be dressed perfect, always had to have the flyest chick on my arm… and of course, I could never have the same one for too long.. I wanted people to know I had a constant, fresh supply of pretty girls. Why? Pure validation. I mean if I pulled up in a normal car, with an average looking girl I couldn’t rub it in people’s faces how awesome I was. It was no different from the girl who couldn’t go to the deli without spending 20 minutes on her makeup. And it’s a horrid way to live. Like I said, it’s no different from a drug addiction. That’s why Pride is listed as one of the 7 deadly sins along with greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth. Aside from wrath and sloth, ALL 7 of those are addictive behaviors. Pride is just as much of an addiction as the others.
So what am i saying here? Am I saying that casual sex is wrong? Am I saying to not do it? Am I saying to just settle for an average life eating Chinese food out of the carton with a fat wife who doesn’t shave her armpits. No, not at all. I like pretty girls and nice things as much a the next guy. Men will always like pretty girls and nice things. It's literally built into our DNA. Again, what I’m warning against is the way these guys go about it: through manipulation and denial of who they are.
The pickup ‘industry’ preys on needy guys, and tries to teach them to act in a way that doesn’t seem needy. But it’s not genuine. They’re still left with the same insecure feelings and emptiness that you were before. They’ve just learned to manipulate women better, and for a few hours they get some very brief relief from that emptiness.
So what’s the solution? Simple. Rather than trying to pretend to be confident and non-needy, actually learn to be confident and non-needy. Actually develop yourself at the core so you actually are the cool person these PUA guys are trying to get you to pretend to be.
Rather than acting like you’re ‘not needy’ take care of the psychological roots of neediness. In psychology, attachment styles are broken into 4 categories.
If you want fulfilling relationships where you can present who you really are and still be accepted for it, I suggest on working on developing a secure attachment style.
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QP-nPJbTgTs
Getting to the point of of developing a secure attachment style often involves grappling with potentially deep psychological issues, but it’s really the only viable option. Besides the fact that manipulation is just plain wrong and psychopathic, it’s dangerous. Putting on a facade is no basis to meet a woman that might potentially be your wife one day. It’s like building a house on quicksand. Not only will the home likely crumble, but you will be in that home when it does finally collapse, putting yourself and everyone involved in harms way. And if you end up having children, they will be in harms way too. This may sound like hyperbole, but ask anyone who’s gone through a divorce how absolutely devastating it is to everyone involved.
When you’re secure attachment with genuine confidence, you just rock up to a chick, make it obvious you’re trying to take her home with you, and 9 times out of 10, she will. And it will be based on who you are. None of this cocky/funny body language bullshit.. none of this silly ‘hard to get’ nonsense. She’s there trying to meet someone to go home with. It’s the entire reason that bars and clubs exist.
If you like a girl for more than something casual. you tell her ‘hey I’m really intrigued by you.. maybe you’d like to go out later in the week and get to know each other?’ No games. No bullshit. You just put it out there and let her take the offer. And again, it will be based on who you are. It's a home built on a solid foundation.
The key is not to act like somebody else to, but to actually become your best self. And by being your best self you will be naturally attractive to women or men without having to act like someone else, and you’ll be significantly more attractive than those sleazy Pickup Gurus.
While this isn't business related, I’ve been noticing a lot of this “Pickup Artist” philosophy creeping in on the forums as of late and I have to admit I’m a little disappointed in it.
Just to be clear, I have absolutely no issue with casual sex. When I’m single I do the same thing. It’s whatever. Go get a new girl every night. Whatever you want. I really genuinely have no issue with it.
What I do have an issue with is the ways they go about it. For those that don’t know what “Pickup Artists” teach.. it’s essentially stuff like “Be cocky and funny” (a certain brand of humor where you bust a girls balls while acting like you’re totally ‘the shit.’) Advice like: “Don’t act too needy,” “Be mysterious,” “be unpredictable,” “don’t text her back too quickly” … essentially addressing symptoms of low self-esteem while not addressing the self-esteem itself.
But you see the Pickup Artist mentality on reddit and forums. A guy comes on the forum and says "there's this girl i really like.. what should I do?" And he’s relentlessly made fun of. The guys chime in, tell him to stop being a little bitch, and diagnose him with ‘oneitus.’
In their view, liking one girl is a disease, and if you go and f— 10 girls, you’ll realize how ‘unspecial’ the first girl was. Make no mistake, this is pure psychopathic behavior. Literally. I have a friend who is a diagnosed sociopath, and he does things like this. The Pickup Artist community is literally trying to mold psychopaths.
Every woman is special. They all have unique personalities and quirks and each one of them is interesting in their own way. You should learn to love each and every one of them, rather than listening to some idiots trying to tell you that they’re all disposable f*ckdolls. Again, there’s nothing wrong with having sex with them, but the mentality promotes treating them as objects rather than real unique people with thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, dreams and desires. This is the psychopathic part.
And don’t get it twisted. These Pickup Artists don’t really care about the sex. If they just wanted sex, there are much easier and less time-consuming ways to go about it. Just get a prostitute. Or get a girlfriend. But they don’t just want the sex. They want the ego validation. They want to earn the sex. Actually earning the sex shows they’re good enough to ‘get her.’ If he can get he attention of the hottest girl in the room, he’s finally ‘good enough.’ He’s finally one of the cool guys. But this feeling of validation is short lived, and it won’t be long until he’s out looking for another girl to validate him.
And every night they’re out trying to go out to get their more validation. If they fail with one girl they will spiral and get depressed until they get another girl who does validate them. They want new ones all the time, because there’s no validation in the ones you’ve already had. Where’s the challenge there?
It’s no different than a crack-cocaine addiction. A crack addict acts the same way. They go out every night trying to score a hit, and if they can’t get it, they spiral into depression.
And to be clear, it’s not just men that are the issue. There are just as many female Narcissist as well. So yes, there are Female Pickup Artists. Women just go about it differently. They get all dolled up to go out to the club, look as sexually enticing as possible and take a guy home with them. Similarly, these women aren’t so much after the sex as they are looking for the same thing the men are: Ego Validation. Feeling desirable. Getting all dolled up, get tons of attention at the bar, and take a guy home with them is all validation that they’re good enough. But similar to the men, they never exposed the ‘real her’ to that person. The makeup, the low-cut dress, the sexy heels… it’s just as much of a facade as the man who feigns a ‘cocky/funny’ demeanor and fake confident body language in order to take the girl home with him.
On the male end, all of this ‘Pickup Artistry” stuff is learning to pretend to be a confident guy. Pretending to be a leader. Taking confident body language, and confident voice tones, all the while refusing to expose how you really feel. Why? Deep down, they don’t like themselves. And again, it’s the same with women. They won't expose themselves becasue they don't like who they are. I knew this girl in High School who was so deeply insecure she wouldn’t leave the house without perfectly doing her makeup. She wouldn’t smoke a bowl with friends without doing her makeup first. She wanted no-one to see what she really looked like. And she wasn’t ugly by any stretch of the imagination. She just thought she was. And I think it’s a perfect mirror image of the Pickup Artist facade.
Listen, I’ve been there. I’ve been at the point where I always needed to show up in the nicest car, always had to look perfect, always had to be dressed perfect, always had to have the flyest chick on my arm… and of course, I could never have the same one for too long.. I wanted people to know I had a constant, fresh supply of pretty girls. Why? Pure validation. I mean if I pulled up in a normal car, with an average looking girl I couldn’t rub it in people’s faces how awesome I was. It was no different from the girl who couldn’t go to the deli without spending 20 minutes on her makeup. And it’s a horrid way to live. Like I said, it’s no different from a drug addiction. That’s why Pride is listed as one of the 7 deadly sins along with greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth. Aside from wrath and sloth, ALL 7 of those are addictive behaviors. Pride is just as much of an addiction as the others.
So what am i saying here? Am I saying that casual sex is wrong? Am I saying to not do it? Am I saying to just settle for an average life eating Chinese food out of the carton with a fat wife who doesn’t shave her armpits. No, not at all. I like pretty girls and nice things as much a the next guy. Men will always like pretty girls and nice things. It's literally built into our DNA. Again, what I’m warning against is the way these guys go about it: through manipulation and denial of who they are.
The pickup ‘industry’ preys on needy guys, and tries to teach them to act in a way that doesn’t seem needy. But it’s not genuine. They’re still left with the same insecure feelings and emptiness that you were before. They’ve just learned to manipulate women better, and for a few hours they get some very brief relief from that emptiness.
So what’s the solution? Simple. Rather than trying to pretend to be confident and non-needy, actually learn to be confident and non-needy. Actually develop yourself at the core so you actually are the cool person these PUA guys are trying to get you to pretend to be.
Rather than acting like you’re ‘not needy’ take care of the psychological roots of neediness. In psychology, attachment styles are broken into 4 categories.
anxious-preoccupied (needy)
dismissive-avoidant
fearful-avoidant
secure (confident)
If you want fulfilling relationships where you can present who you really are and still be accepted for it, I suggest on working on developing a secure attachment style.
Getting to the point of of developing a secure attachment style often involves grappling with potentially deep psychological issues, but it’s really the only viable option. Besides the fact that manipulation is just plain wrong and psychopathic, it’s dangerous. Putting on a facade is no basis to meet a woman that might potentially be your wife one day. It’s like building a house on quicksand. Not only will the home likely crumble, but you will be in that home when it does finally collapse, putting yourself and everyone involved in harms way. And if you end up having children, they will be in harms way too. This may sound like hyperbole, but ask anyone who’s gone through a divorce how absolutely devastating it is to everyone involved.
When you’re secure attachment with genuine confidence, you just rock up to a chick, make it obvious you’re trying to take her home with you, and 9 times out of 10, she will. And it will be based on who you are. None of this cocky/funny body language bullshit.. none of this silly ‘hard to get’ nonsense. She’s there trying to meet someone to go home with. It’s the entire reason that bars and clubs exist.
If you like a girl for more than something casual. you tell her ‘hey I’m really intrigued by you.. maybe you’d like to go out later in the week and get to know each other?’ No games. No bullshit. You just put it out there and let her take the offer. And again, it will be based on who you are. It's a home built on a solid foundation.
The key is not to act like somebody else to, but to actually become your best self. And by being your best self you will be naturally attractive to women or men without having to act like someone else, and you’ll be significantly more attractive than those sleazy Pickup Gurus.
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