We do what we WANT

[SteveO]

This post got me onto the subject of wants.

We talk about all the things that we want and don't want. We then take actions that are counter to what we say.

If we truly want something, we will figure out a way to get it. Otherwise, we just think that we want it. In reality, we want something else more.

Let's say that you want to go to the gym for a workout. You come home to get ready but end up sitting down in front of the tv or game station and don't make it out to your workout. What did you really want more?

You can chalk it up to a lot of things, put blame on circumstances or even play the victim.

Perhaps rather than looking at your motivation, processes, and excuses, you should be looking at what your wants really are.

 

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[Iwokeup]

This post got me onto the subject of wants.

We talk about all the things that we want and don't want. We then take actions that are counter to what we say.

If we truly want something, we will figure out a way to get it. Otherwise, we just think that we want it. In reality, we want something else more.

Let's say that you want to go to the gym for a workout. You come home to get ready but end up sitting down in front of the tv or game station and don't make it out to your workout. What did you really want more?

You can chalk it up to a lot of things, put blame on circumstances or even play the victim.

Perhaps rather than looking at your motivation, processes, and excuses, you should be looking at what your wants really are.

Great post!

As I've gained more experience in life, it's come to me that true happiness lies in aligning our actions what we truly want, rather than with what we say we want.

With the gym example...when I'm working 5-6-7 , 12hr on/12hr off shifts in the ER, it's incredibly difficult to workout and get enough sleep as well.

So I've stopped saying that I want to work out. Rather, I've said that I WANT to get enough sleep and feel healthy, and working out is a bonus. I'm much less anxious and hard on myself as a result.

*shrug*

 

[Mike Kavanagh]

This hits home.

I like when I talk with others who say I should "do xyz and abc will happen".
I always ask, why don't you do it then?
"I don't have time", while clicking on clickbait Facebook posts.

If you want to do it, you'll make time.
If you don't want to do it, you'll make excuses as to why you don't have 'X'.

 

[Raoul Duke]

This post got me onto the subject of wants.

We talk about all the things that we want and don't want. We then take actions that are counter to what we say.

If we truly want something, we will figure out a way to get it. Otherwise, we just think that we want it. In reality, we want something else more.

Let's say that you want to go to the gym for a workout. You come home to get ready but end up sitting down in front of the tv or game station and don't make it out to your workout. What did you really want more?

You can chalk it up to a lot of things, put blame on circumstances or even play the victim.

Perhaps rather than looking at your motivation, processes, and excuses, you should be looking at what your wants really are.

Goto 2:02:22

“At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself:
‘I have to go to work—as a human being.
What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for
—the things I was brought into the world to do?
Or is this what I was created for?
To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?

‘—But it’s nicer here…’

So you were born to feel ‘nice’?
Instead of doings things and experiencing them?
Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees
going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can?
And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being?
Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?

‘—But we have to sleep sometime…’

Agreed. But nature set a limit on that—as it did on eating and drinking.
And you’re over the limit. You’ve had more than enough of that.
But not of working. There you’re still below your quota.
You don’t love yourself enough. Or you’d love your nature too, and what it demands of you.
People who love what they do wear themselves down doing it,
they even forget to wash or eat. Do you have less respect for your own nature,
than the engraver does for engraving, the dancer for dance,
the miser for money or the social climber for status?
When they’re really possessed by what they do,
they’d rather stop eating and sleeping than give up practicing their arts.”
marcus aurelius

 

[SteveO]

This is a good subject. I've always been interested in the "towards" vs "away" part of our psyche. Do you move away from pain...or towards pleasure.

I think the idea of "want" can be studied in a similar manner. Let's keep this discussion going! Thanks @SteveO !

I feel that we should make our decisions and accept the results. We tend to dwell on pain and other bad things. We erect temples in our mind to remember negative events. We then revisit the temple frequently for use to show our victimhood.

We don't do the same thing when we experience pleasure. Instead, we accept it and move on with our lives.

Why can't we treat them the same?

 

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[Ubermensch]

This post got me onto the subject of wants.

We talk about all the things that we want and don't want. We then take actions that are counter to what we say.

If we truly want something, we will figure out a way to get it. Otherwise, we just think that we want it. In reality, we want something else more.

Let's say that you want to go to the gym for a workout. You come home to get ready but end up sitting down in front of the tv or game station and don't make it out to your workout. What did you really want more?

You can chalk it up to a lot of things, put blame on circumstances or even play the victim.

Perhaps rather than looking at your motivation, processes, and excuses, you should be looking at what your wants really are.

Another wisdom bomb, and it relates to the adage that something has to "hurt bad enough" before change or evolution happens.

You can't force physical enhancement without consistent stress: Fitness 101.

This OP is great because it forces the laymen to think philosophically - about one's core principles, about one's axioms, the fundamental truths from which all motivations spring - which a layman almost never does.

This thread could actually be a thread about the subject of "focus," because if your "wants" and desires are perfectly aligned, then all you have left to do is act.

 

[AndrewNC]

Everyone works to achieve what they don't want.

I don't want to be homeless, so I work a job I hate, to pay a rent I don't like, to live with people I don't get to talk to.
When I try to break-free, I get told I can't.

I assume this happens to everyone who is 'normal'.

I don't want to live in the middle of north carolina (where i felt stuck 4 years ago).

If I ran away from what I don't want..i might end up in the middle of alaska....in the middle of kansas...or other places i personally wouldn't want to live.

But when I switched it up and decided "I want to live in Scottsdale, AZ....the path to get to a place that made me happy became crystal clear"

I used to run away from what I don't want. I didn't want to get rejected so I never asked her out. I didn't want to fail so I never started that business.

But I never got where I wanted...until I switched it up.

Some people are more wired to run away from pain as a motivator.
Studies have shown that more successful people move directly towards what they do want, like a plane going straight to Scottsdale, AZ at 800 miles per hour.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Why is this simple concept so difficult? Doing what we want is defining our lives....

I think because there's another psychological factor in play: delayed gratification VS instant gratification.

The Marshmallow experiment proves that most adults are still battling childlike impetuousness.

That means, it is easier to pick the video game (instant gratification) over the gym (delayed gratification).

Sure we want BOTH funtime with games and the hot body, but when given a choice, most people take the instant gratification path. This concept is I believe, the root of all success/failure in any endeavor requiring a process.

40 Years of Stanford Research Found That People With This One Quality Are More Likely to Succeed

40 years of Stanford research revealed the impact delayed gratification can have on our success in life. Read this article to learn the surprising results.

jamesclear.com

 

[million$$$smile]

Perhaps rather than looking at your motivation, processes, and excuses, you should be looking at what your wants really are.

"Be suspicious of your wants"
Rumi (who was a 13th century Persian poet, but has gained popularity in America...)

 

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[SteveO]

"Be suspicious of your wants"
Rumi (who was a 13th century Persian poet, but has gained popularity in America...)

Ha! Counter punch with an ancient philosopher. Perhaps his information is outdated because he did not have access to Google.

 

[SteveO]

Everyone works to achieve what they don't want.

I don't want to be homeless, so I work a job I hate, to pay a rent I don't like, to live with people I don't get to talk to.
When I try to break-free, I get told I can't.

I assume this happens to everyone who is 'normal'.

If you work for what you don't want, then you are basically acting from fear.

 

[SteveO]

That temple is a great way of explaining this concept. I'm definitely stealing it.

I always use the example of people running for the bus. Whenever they miss the bus, their day is ruined. However, on the flipside if they do make it on time, it doesn't make their day.

Right?!?

I actually did not state that correctly. I meant shrines. We erect these and add to them every time that something happens to reinforce the feeling.

Road-rage is the easy example here. Many of us have built the shrine around all the injustices that have happened to us as a result of inconsiderate drivers. They damage our egos and sense of well being on a regular basis. With each incident, we add another decoration to our shrine. We must do this so we have the ability to pull up this image. Our recognition of victimhood must be maintained!

 

[G-Man]

Road-rage is the easy example here. Many of us have built the shrine around all the injustices that have happened to us as a result of inconsiderate drivers. They damage our egos and sense of well being on a regular basis. With each incident, we add another decoration to our shrine. We must do this so we have the ability to pull up this image. Our recognition of victimhood must be maintained!

No. Screw you and that dude that cut me off 6 weeks ago. If I let it go, there's no justice.

 

[Runum]

I agree we should work on the positive instead of reacting out of fear.

I think we should also dig deeper into our wants on a daily basis.

We should really figure out what we want and why we want it.

Do we want something out of a need for the object to solve a problem or do we want the object to satisfy a feeling?

Are we going into debt to get a short term feel good or to further our lives long term?

Are we buying because we are told we need it to keep up or does buying it add to our problem or act as a temporary fix for what truly ails us?

Our wants control our lives and our flexibility with our lives.

Seemingly small bad decisions can result in a life time of not getting what you want. Those innocent decisions are very powerful.

 

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[SteveO]

I think because there's another psychological factor in play: delayed gratification VS instant gratification.

The Marshmallow experiment proves that most adults are still battling childlike impetuousness.

That means, it is easier to pick the video game (instant gratification) over the gym (delayed gratification).

Sure we want BOTH funtime with games and the hot body, but when given a choice, most people take the instant gratification path. This concept is I believe, the root of all success/failure in any endeavor requiring a process.

40 Years of Stanford Research Found That People With This One Quality Are More Likely to Succeed

40 years of Stanford research revealed the impact delayed gratification can have on our success in life. Read this article to learn the surprising results.

jamesclear.com

I agree. The concept of "want" does not resonate with most people anyway. Delayed vs. instant gratification is a much easier concept to grasp. Not easier to control, but easier to understand.

I constantly evaluate in real time whether I am doing or choosing what I want. Don't really spend a lot of time evaluating or justifying the choice, just desire to understand what I'm doing. Sometimes I want the instant gratification. No issue with that as long as it is not a constant.

Sometimes I find myself getting sidetracked at which point a quick mental check makes sense. Probably no different than making a list of your priorities and sticking with them. But, I don't really get as much from that discipline.

Understanding the "want" works to change a mental concept for me.

 

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[Ronak]

This is a very interesting concept. Let's take a clear example: gym. Here, you know that if you work consistently, you will feel better, will look better, you will be more healthy . So the gratification exist, later in the process

Now, let's change this concept to business : here, a new variable appear. The possibility that delayed gratification will not appear. So how can you get beyond that feeling and still do the work? I know you must have a strong why, but sometimes this thought appears and you must fight with it. Why is so hard to just get to work and do the things? Why is our body trying to sabotage us? Do you think it has some connection with how we were raised?

The result isn't certain in business, even with effort. But when things are in motion, you have the ability get feedback.

Many times, that feedback is hard to digest, so we get sidetracked and start questioning whether it's worth it, or whether we should quit and do something else. It becomes a perpetual cycle. They key to success is to not take that feedback personally, and to make adjustments and iterations in response. If you can do that long enough, without giving up, you will succeed, eventually. There is no timeline.

The mental chatter is just that. A component of yourself that you identify with. But it's not YOU. Your true self can listen to that chatter, and say, ok..noted...and just move on. The challenge is when we forget our identity and think, " I am my mind. And I MUST follow what it says." No, you don't. The mind is a tool that's good for certain things, and horrible for others. You choose how and when to listen. Think of it as a 4 year old genius. It has great insights for certain things
But it's a child at the end of the day. You don't listen when it throws a tantrum for a toy.

You know what is guaranteed failure? Inaction.

 

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[AndrewNC]

"I have all I want or need, and I am in the process of being grateful for growing what is already here.'
-me

 

[luniac]

So you work to not achieve what you don't want?

lol wait ur confusing me haha...

hmm yea pretty much i guess.
my wants fluctuate, but i NEVER WANT to go to my day job so my priority is to remove it from my life equation.

 

[SteveO]

As I've gained more experience in life, it's come to me that true happiness lies in aligning our actions what we truly want, rather than with what we say we want.

Not speaking for true happiness, but. Actually we clearly express what we truly want with our actions. They are just not what we always think they are. We say we want riches. Instead we play video games. We say that we want to grind out a good solid day of productivity. But, we surf the internet, read current events, and watch video clips instead.

We are doing what we want.... just not what we think we want.

 

[Aaron W]

Funnily enough this is something I have recently been thinking about and even discussed with my dad over Skype.


I'm figuring out what I actually want in life.


Is it a business that allows me to have a fancy-as-F*ck lifestyle

Or the freedom to surf everyday and enjoy a bit of motion design on the side?

Maybe its perhaps something that allows both?


Who knows.

It's something I'm currently writing down every day to figure out the key points I want.



Like it was mentioned, a lot of people don't truly know what they want... and realistically that's fine.

Just always ask "what would the smarter me want?". Then you may get closer to finding out.



Anti serious note:

 

[Mike Kavanagh]

If you work for what you don't want, then you are basically acting from fear.

Agree wholeheartedly.
I was going through the mindset I see in most people.
Hell, most blue collar people have to work two jobs and still can't get out of the race.
Those people never get to see their family...

It hurts me when I see myself or my family doing those things.
I can only effect my own decisions though.

 

[maverick]

I feel that we should make our decisions and accept the results. We tend to dwell on pain and other bad things. We erect temples in our mind to remember negative events. We then revisit the temple frequently for use to show our victimhood.

We don't do the same thing when we experience pleasure. Instead, we accept it and move on with our lives.

Why can't we treat them the same?

That temple is a great way of explaining this concept. I'm definitely stealing it.

I always use the example of people running for the bus. Whenever they miss the bus, their day is ruined. However, on the flipside if they do make it on time, it doesn't make their day.

 

[MidwestLandlord]

Road-rage is the easy example here. Many of us have built the shrine around all the injustices that have happened to us as a result of inconsiderate drivers. They damage our egos and sense of well being on a regular basis. With each incident, we add another decoration to our shrine. We must do this so we have the ability to pull up this image. Our recognition of victimhood must be maintained!

Well...shit.

*hangs head in shame*

 

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[Andy Black]

This is a very interesting concept. Let's take a clear example: gym. Here, you know that if you work consistently, you will feel better, will look better, you will be more healthy . So the gratification exist, later in the process

Now, let's change this concept to business : here, a new variable appear. The possibility that delayed gratification will not appear. So how can you get beyond that feeling and still do the work? I know you must have a strong why, but sometimes this thought appears and you must fight with it. Why is so hard to just get to work and do the things? Why is our body trying to sabotage us? Do you think it has some connection with how we were raised?

I didn’t run or lift weights to look better or feel healthier. I did it because I enjoyed the training sessions, and enjoyed seeing incremental progress.

I enjoy the work I do daily, more than hitting some future goal.

Maybe it’s upbringing… my dad was in the military so instilled in us the ability to take pleasure in polishing shoes and ironing shirts. Haha.

 

[Antifragile]

This is a real rabbit hole of a thread. A mind bender.

We don’t want to go to the gym. We want to have a great body fully of energy, sexy look that gets us lucky… we want status, etc. In the end, we all want to feel happy.

For @Andy Black it may have meant pleasing his father or adhering to the military status of “I enjoy this pain”. A rabbit hole discussion!

And MJ is right too. Those kids who were able to delay gratification did much better in life later. But life is complex and our brains aren’t permanently wired a particular way. We can and do change (with massive difficulty of course).

But at the core of it all, I wholeheartedly agree with @SteveO - we live the lives we chose, we do what we want.

In our heads we have an identity, everything we do then fits into that. If I see myself as a Lambo driving person, I’ll get one even if I don’t yet own a house. But if I see myself as an executive who wouldn’t fit with the identify of a flashy lambo, I will not buy it. When my identify is that of an athlete, no matter what age, I will workout, I will train. But if I am just another dad, I’ll sit on a couch play with my kid and think “that’s OK, I did a nice walk two weeks ago, that’s good cardio and all dads have a beer gut, it’s normal”. We tolerate anything that’s not directly tied to our identity.

If you think “I am a smoker who’s trying to quit” — you will never quit. I’ll bet money on that. It’s that identity.

We do what we want.

But the rabbit hole is so much deeper than that. Calling on @Black_Dragon43 - in his episode he explained that what we desire (goods) is actually not even our real desire. It’s stuff others taught us to desire. We want to be told what to want. Case in point for me. I never liked G-Wagon Mercedes cars, but then two of my friends bought them, suddenly I am thinking… my next car is likely to be a G. And I am sincere when I say that I now really like the car. It’s a classic look, it’s an amazing technology and sound. It’s been redesigned and now it’s perfect. Right?

Rabbit hole…

Thanks @SteveO - you have a gift for messing with poeple’s brains with your threads haha.

 

[SteveO]

ehh I don't always know what i want, but I always know what i DONT WANT.

So you work to not achieve what you don't want?

 

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[CaptainAmerica]

People always do what's important to them - but we're creatures of habit, and get stuck on things that were important to us 5 or 10 years ago. Or we do things out of obligation, or because we bought into a narrative that we never fully examined.

True story: I just published a book called "Liberation Through Discipline" - catchy title, right? The premise is to recapture your time by living your values. I published it too soon:

Last week, I was telling a friend about his native internal locus of control. He's understandably frustrated with a coworker who has an external locus of control. He'd never heard those terms; it was great to be able to put it so succinctly for him. But a few days later, he blew my mind. I texted him some sociopolitical spiel that got me torqued. He responded, "Didn't read the post, too busy controlling my locus."

Think about that. We're told that it's healthier to have an internal locus of control. Nice, but no oomph. Switch that to an active phrase: "I'm controlling my locus." Now we're paying attention to where our intention is.

Combine it with the fact that it's better to run toward something awesome than away from something painful, and you'll get more work done this week than in the previous month.

 

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[SteveO]

Why is this simple concept so difficult? Doing what we want is defining our lives....

 

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[Andy Black]

“Tell me what you’ve done and I’ll tell you who you are.”

- Unknown

 

[Ronak]

Yes correct. I also however think the WHY plays a big part in this.

For example I'll go for a walk in the morning and plan how I'm going to eat healthy today, then when I hungry my previous bad habits kick in and i'll end up eating either an unhealthy lunch or make a poor snack choice. Literally within in the space of 2 hours.

That's certainly a case of instance gratification v delayed.

Now, add a WHY and let's say I'm a film star and I'm due to start a new movie in 12 weeks, and I need to be in a certain shape. There's no way I'd be making the same decision to eat poorly.

Or if I had a heart attack the Doctor told me if you don't start eating healthy and lose 2 stone you'll be dead in 12 months. Again you wouldn't catch me eating unhealthy.

Extreme examples but the WHY certain plays a major part in adults when choosing instant v delayed gratification.

I've even had thoughts of how I can create reasonable WHY's to give me the kick up the backside I need, like again using the gym/eating healthy example - Give someone I trust a semi naked picture of myself in the current shape that I am. And give them permission that unless I achieved this (INSERT GOAL) by (INSERT TIME FRAME), you can post that picture on your Facebook page so everyone can see it.

Like the parable about the dog sitting on the nail, you have to make it hurt more to stay in the same place.

Another overlooked tool is the planning behind a decision.

Most of the time, we rely on self discipline or will power to follow through on a promise to ourselves, but lack the planning and infrastructure required to carry it out.

For example, after deciding to eat healthy, throw away all junk food in the house. Have some healthy food ready to eat. Have some quick recipes on hand for a fast, healthy meal.

When we rely too much on our power in the moment, we're setting up for failure. The time invested in the plan will be well spent.

Too afraid to make a "permanent" change?

Commit yourself to only 5 weeks. Anyone can do that, and it will be an easier transition.

 

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