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To all the dad’s out there…

Topics relating to managing people and relationships

KushShah9492

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Jan 2, 2021
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A relationship with my Dad hasn’t been on track since I can remember. He has always supported me, fed me, did everything he could for the entire family. He’s 57 now, and I’m 29. We haven’t talked like a father and son for a long time. I feel a certain discomfort in sharing even the smallest stuff with him. I do feel like talking to him, but somehow, I’ve always been a YES SIR type of guy. Whatever he wanted me to do, I did. He wanted me to be an engineer, I did. He wanted me to do a job to understand business better, I did.. for a while. I didn’t enjoy it, yet I couldn’t speak up in front of him. There are some things he does that I don’t like, but I can’t speak up in front of him, can’t speak up in front of his decisions. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s just that I’d like a better relationship with him to share anything that I want to. There’s always been a gap between us, and I don’t want it anymore.

So, to all the dads out there… I need your help and advice. Has anyone been through/going through this with their parents? What they did or didn’t do that changed the dynamic for the better?

I know.this isn’t the place to discuss family stuff, but I didn’t know where else to go, and it has taken a toll on my mental health, and it’s getting worse.

Any help/advice is welcome. Sorry if this seems out of place.
 
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alexkuzmov

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A relationship with my Dad hasn’t been on track since I can remember. He has always supported me, fed me, did everything he could for the entire family. He’s 57 now, and I’m 29. We haven’t talked like a father and son for a long time. I feel a certain discomfort in sharing even the smallest stuff with him. I do feel like talking to him, but somehow, I’ve always been a YES SIR type of guy. Whatever he wanted me to do, I did. He wanted me to be an engineer, I did. He wanted me to do a job to understand business better, I did.. for a while. I didn’t enjoy it, yet I couldn’t speak up in front of him. There are some things he does that I don’t like, but I can’t speak up in front of him, can’t speak up in front of his decisions. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s just that I’d like a better relationship with him to share anything that I want to. There’s always been a gap between us, and I don’t want it anymore.

So, to all the dads out there… I need your help and advice. Has anyone been through/going through this with their parents? What they did or didn’t do that changed the dynamic for the better?

I know.this isn’t the place to discuss family stuff, but I didn’t know where else to go, and it has taken a toll on my mental health, and it’s getting worse.

Any help/advice is welcome. Sorry if this seems out of place.
If all goes well, someday your dad will die before you.
When that day comes, you will have to be your own man.
I suggest you become that before that moment comes and realize you are an adult.
After a certain point you need to separate yourself from your parents mentally.
Your mistakes will be your own, your decisions too. Whatever your dad says will be advice and suggestions.
If you cant freely discuss your plans and actions with your dad, then you havent yet matured to that point and at 29 that maturation is long overdue.
This doesnt mean the talks with your dad will suddenly become pleasant and you wont argue.
You lack the acceptance that your dad is a separate person with his own beliefs and biases.
There is always the possibility that you will never see eye to eye with your dad and that he wont support you in your decisions.
Also he might not be able to give you the relationship you want with him, he might be incapable of doing so.
You have to accept that as well.
Again your decisions and mistakes are your own, its part of becoming a man and the path of bulding a more mature relationship with your parents.
 

Andy Black

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A relationship with my Dad hasn’t been on track since I can remember. He has always supported me, fed me, did everything he could for the entire family. He’s 57 now, and I’m 29. We haven’t talked like a father and son for a long time. I feel a certain discomfort in sharing even the smallest stuff with him. I do feel like talking to him, but somehow, I’ve always been a YES SIR type of guy. Whatever he wanted me to do, I did. He wanted me to be an engineer, I did. He wanted me to do a job to understand business better, I did.. for a while. I didn’t enjoy it, yet I couldn’t speak up in front of him. There are some things he does that I don’t like, but I can’t speak up in front of him, can’t speak up in front of his decisions. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s just that I’d like a better relationship with him to share anything that I want to. There’s always been a gap between us, and I don’t want it anymore.

So, to all the dads out there… I need your help and advice. Has anyone been through/going through this with their parents? What they did or didn’t do that changed the dynamic for the better?

I know.this isn’t the place to discuss family stuff, but I didn’t know where else to go, and it has taken a toll on my mental health, and it’s getting worse.

Any help/advice is welcome. Sorry if this seems out of place.
Do you spend time together? Are you able to do things and have a companionable silence even?

What does he like doing or need help with? Can you both go for a walk, do the gardening, or some other task together?

Can you get comfortable in each other’s company? What does he want to talk about? Can you be there as an ear and shoulder for him?

Have you told him how you appreciate that he’s always supported you, and how he’s always done everything he could for his family?

When I became a dad I gained a newfound respect for my parents, and all parents in the world. I could see my place in the generations and stages in life. A major learning is that no “life’s rule book” suddenly arrives when you become a parent.
 

Runum

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Dad walked out on us when I was 12. He became more active in my life in my 20's and began trying to take the bossy dad role. When I was about 27 I told him that he would not have the right to ever tell me what to do again. I had been 100% autonomous since I was 19. It was a tough conversation but it set the tone for the rest of our lives. I am over 60 now and he is over 80. We talk regularly.

I vowed to never leave my kid like that and I never did. I raised her and she has been successfully on her own for over 5 years now. We communicate frequently and have enjoyed our conversations. Her views on life have begun diverging from mine and that has begun putting a strain on our conversations. She does not like some of the things I do or see and I feel she is looking and aiming for things that don't exist. However, it is her life and I do not attempt to exert any control over her. So, our conversations have to be more intentional and precise so we do not injure our relationship.

Our differences to me, are from perspectives and experience. There is no way she can see what I see because of her life experience. To me our conflicts would come from a position of my love and concern for her based on my vision and life experience. Our relationship is ongoing, healthy, but always a work in progress.

Difficult conversations with elders is part of growing up. Hot feelings, emotional arguments, yelling, won't help anything. Conversations and time can help.

A suggestion might be to find one thing in common and build from there. Maybe a sports team ya'll can root for, cuss and discuss about? Then move on to one more topic.

There will be no storybook, movie relationship here. You are both imperfect people in an imperfect world. You are both going to have to be more forgiving of each other's imperfections to go on.

I wish you well.
 

kleine2

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A relationship with my Dad hasn’t been on track since I can remember. He has always supported me, fed me, did everything he could for the entire family. He’s 57 now, and I’m 29. We haven’t talked like a father and son for a long time. I feel a certain discomfort in sharing even the smallest stuff with him. I do feel like talking to him, but somehow, I’ve always been a YES SIR type of guy. Whatever he wanted me to do, I did. He wanted me to be an engineer, I did. He wanted me to do a job to understand business better, I did.. for a while. I didn’t enjoy it, yet I couldn’t speak up in front of him. There are some things he does that I don’t like, but I can’t speak up in front of him, can’t speak up in front of his decisions. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s just that I’d like a better relationship with him to share anything that I want to. There’s always been a gap between us, and I don’t want it anymore.

So, to all the dads out there… I need your help and advice. Has anyone been through/going through this with their parents? What they did or didn’t do that changed the dynamic for the better?

I know.this isn’t the place to discuss family stuff, but I didn’t know where else to go, and it has taken a toll on my mental health, and it’s getting worse.

Any help/advice is welcome. Sorry if this seems out of place.
Practice gently but firmly standing up for what you believe.
Just calmly say, I am different than you.
I choose to do X. I appreciate your opinion but I am still going to do X.
 

Ronak

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Culture plays a big role here: before doing anything with him, you will first have to work on yourself, your beliefs, and learn to accept that:

1) You are an independent person, and that's OK.

2) You respect your father. What does that entail? Does that mean you listen and accept everything he says? On the flipside, what does it entail in your eyes for him to love you? That he would agree with all your choices?

Just like he can't and shouldn't control you, you have to learn that you cannot control his reactions...and be OK with that.


I love the suggestion to start by expressing how much you appreciate everything he's done. That would go a long way.
 
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SaaS

PARKED
Aug 3, 2021
4
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A relationship with my Dad hasn’t been on track since I can remember. He has always supported me, fed me, did everything he could for the entire family. He’s 57 now, and I’m 29. We haven’t talked like a father and son for a long time. I feel a certain discomfort in sharing even the smallest stuff with him. I do feel like talking to him, but somehow, I’ve always been a YES SIR type of guy. Whatever he wanted me to do, I did. He wanted me to be an engineer, I did. He wanted me to do a job to understand business better, I did.. for a while. I didn’t enjoy it, yet I couldn’t speak up in front of him. There are some things he does that I don’t like, but I can’t speak up in front of him, can’t speak up in front of his decisions. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s just that I’d like a better relationship with him to share anything that I want to. There’s always been a gap between us, and I don’t want it anymore.

So, to all the dads out there… I need your help and advice. Has anyone been through/going through this with their parents? What they did or didn’t do that changed the dynamic for the better?

I know.this isn’t the place to discuss family stuff, but I didn’t know where else to go, and it has taken a toll on my mental health, and it’s getting worse.

Any help/advice is welcome. Sorry if this seems out of place.
same with me. I'm 23. Dad is 58.
We didn't bond even when I was a child. He did beat me intensely when I screwed something up so fear was instilled in me from childhood itself. Later in my teens, he was working out of town and came home on weekends.
I mentally drifted apart from him. I'm not satisfied with the FS relationship we have.
 
Last edited:

Kevin88660

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A relationship with my Dad hasn’t been on track since I can remember. He has always supported me, fed me, did everything he could for the entire family. He’s 57 now, and I’m 29. We haven’t talked like a father and son for a long time. I feel a certain discomfort in sharing even the smallest stuff with him. I do feel like talking to him, but somehow, I’ve always been a YES SIR type of guy. Whatever he wanted me to do, I did. He wanted me to be an engineer, I did. He wanted me to do a job to understand business better, I did.. for a while. I didn’t enjoy it, yet I couldn’t speak up in front of him. There are some things he does that I don’t like, but I can’t speak up in front of him, can’t speak up in front of his decisions. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s just that I’d like a better relationship with him to share anything that I want to. There’s always been a gap between us, and I don’t want it anymore.

So, to all the dads out there… I need your help and advice. Has anyone been through/going through this with their parents? What they did or didn’t do that changed the dynamic for the better?

I know.this isn’t the place to discuss family stuff, but I didn’t know where else to go, and it has taken a toll on my mental health, and it’s getting worse.

Any help/advice is welcome. Sorry if this seems out of place.
I think you have to make a choice between following your own path or just make your dad happy.

So say yes but do what you have to do. He doesn’t have to know what is going on in your life. The less you you share with him the less likely you are going to piss off him.

You need to learn how to run covet operations. Trying to get all your loved ones to agree with you before you do anything is the most frustrating thing that you should not try.
 

AlexisLara

New Contributor
Jun 29, 2021
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Because i'm Asian too, so i understand your situation. That's the disadvantage of Asian family dynamic, Western people tend to be more independent.
To a certain age , you have to take full accountability and carve your own path . The mentality of not wanting to disappoint your parent and not living to your own will, eventually you carry more regret and resentment.
I remember MJ said one of his breakthroughs is moving out of the house and living in another city.
That will cleanse your negative thought and free your mind. From then, good things happen.
 
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ryanbleau

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I was raised in a cult, left it when i was 26. Since that time my parents tell their friends i'm dead so they don't have to explain why i'm not a Jehovah's Witness. But prior to that my i followed my fathers advice like it was sent by god, to my detriment. Every choice i made based on my fathers advice blew up in my face. Since i became my own man and made my own choices I have been far more successful than he ever was. Now he's got cancer and he's a bitter old man. 7 sons and not a single one has any respect for him.
Safe to say I'm raising my kids a completely different way.
 

Kak

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I had a great dad, but he died when I was 19. I got a lot of wisdom out of him before his health failed him. I’m thankful for the experience I had because I’d take a great dad like mine that dies too young over some of the dads I’m reading about in this thread.

Today, I’m the dad of a 6 month old son. He is named after my dad. I want to help him conquer the world. His world. Whatever that entails... Unless it is communism, then I won't help.
 
Last edited:

Andy Black

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Some lines I like about being a dad:

“Your job as a dad is to be the man you want your sons to grow up to be.”

“I refuse to spend less time with my kids so I can spend more time with them later.”

“If you don’t figure it out, you leave it to your kids to figure out.”

“What matters with family is the quantity of time you spend with them. What matters with work is the quality of time you spend on it”.

“Catch them when they’re good.” (Reward the behaviour you want to encourage.)

“Boys crave attention. Men give attention.”

“Show, don’t tell.” (This works especially with kids, not just in sales and education.)
 
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KushShah9492

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If all goes well, someday your dad will die before you.
When that day comes, you will have to be your own man.
I suggest you become that before that moment comes and realize you are an adult.
After a certain point you need to separate yourself from your parents mentally.
Your mistakes will be your own, your decisions too. Whatever your dad says will be advice and suggestions.
If you cant freely discuss your plans and actions with your dad, then you havent yet matured to that point and at 29 that maturation is long overdue.
This doesnt mean the talks with your dad will suddenly become pleasant and you wont argue.
You lack the acceptance that your dad is a separate person with his own beliefs and biases.
There is always the possibility that you will never see eye to eye with your dad and that he wont support you in your decisions.
Also he might not be able to give you the relationship you want with him, he might be incapable of doing so.
You have to accept that as well.
Again your decisions and mistakes are your own, its part of becoming a man and the path of bulding a more mature relationship with your parents.
I guess I should've started speaking out my mind a long time ago. I am never going to see the world the way he does, and instead of going with the flow, I guess the right thing to do is to just accept the fact that despite our differences in thinking, I still love him and have a deep respect for whatever he did for me.
 

KushShah9492

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Do you spend time together? Are you able to do things and have a companionable silence even?

What does he like doing or need help with? Can you both go for a walk, do the gardening, or some other task together?

Can you get comfortable in each other’s company? What does he want to talk about? Can you be there as an ear and shoulder for him?

Have you told him how you appreciate that he’s always supported you, and how he’s always done everything he could for his family?

When I became a dad I gained a newfound respect for my parents, and all parents in the world. I could see my place in the generations and stages in life. A major learning is that no “life’s rule book” suddenly arrives when you become a parent.
We do spend time together, but I always feel like I shouldn't be overthinking about what to talk with him. We do things like go for a drive together, and we do talk like nothing's wrong. And there isn't. It's just the guilt of not having lived upto his expectations, which my wife tells me I'm overthinking about.

I'm comfortable in his company, and there are no awkward silences between us.

I've never told him how I appreciate and respect him, which I think I should be doing more often. Partly my fault that I can't open up my thoughts in front of him. I guess rather than telling him, I should be showing him that I'm capable of taking major responsibilities now, and he need not worry about me.
 

KushShah9492

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Jan 2, 2021
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Because i'm Asian too, so i understand your situation. That's the disadvantage of Asian family dynamic, Western people tend to be more independent.
To a certain age , you have to take full accountability and carve your own path . The mentality of not wanting to disappoint your parent and not living to your own will, eventually you carry more regret and resentment.
I remember MJ said one of his breakthroughs is moving out of the house and living in another city.
That will cleanse your negative thought and free your mind. From then, good things happen.
Yeah, I guess that's an option to become more independent.
I'm planning to move to Canada along with my wife, sometime later next year. Maybe that could strengthen our bond.
 
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KushShah9492

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I had a great dad, but he died when I was 19. I got a lot of wisdom out of him before his health failed him. I’m thankful for the experience I had because I’d take a great dad like mine that dies too young over some of the dads I’m reading about in this thread.

Today, I’m the dad of a 6 month old son. He is named after my dad. I want to help him conquer the world. His world. Whatever that entails... Unless it is communism, then I won't help.
When you put it that way, I feel every guy is a shadow of his father, whether he likes it or not. And I'm grateful for the fact that I have such a loving father who could move mountains for me. I guess it's time I do the same for him, and tell him how much I appreciate everything he does.

When I have a son or a daughter, I'll always teach him to be independent and speak anything he feels is going on his/her head. That ought to save him for the troubles that I'm going through.
 

KushShah9492

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Jan 2, 2021
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Some lines I like about being a dad:

“Your job as a dad is to be the man you want your sons to grow up to be.”

“I refuse to spend less time with my kids so I can spend more time with them later.”

“If you don’t figure it out, you leave it to your kids to figure out.”

“What matters with family is the quantity of time you spend with them. What matters with work is the quality of time you spend on it”.

“Catch them when they’re good.” (Reward the behaviour you want to encourage.)

“Boys crave attention. Men give attention.”

“Show, don’t tell.” (This works especially with kids, not just in sales and education.)
Lovely.

That's a hidden talent you have right there, you have business as well as LIFE advice. Maybe you should've started a thread 'Figuring out how to be a better father' some time back :p

Jokes apart, those are some amazing quotes, especially 'SHOW, DON'T TELL'. Works in business, and in life.
 

Andy Black

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I've never told him how I appreciate and respect him, which I think I should be doing more often.
Start here.

Look at the lines I said above and guess which ones spring to my mind.
 
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KushShah9492

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Jan 2, 2021
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Start here.

Look at the lines I said above and guess which one springs to my mind.
I've read somewhere "The more you appreciate what you have, the more you get" although it sounds cheesy, but it definitely holds true in some cases.
 

Andy Black

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you have business as well as LIFE advice
Someone once told me that business is the truest form of self expression.

Business advice IS life advice.
 

Ing

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When My sons came into my life, I started to model everything in my life around growing them up.
My job time was adjusted to driving to pre-school. Driving to school. Help to sleep. Reading before sleeping.
I spent as much time with them as I could. Walking. Spending time anywhere in nature. In bath. Under bridges. Just spending time. Life is so interesting, when you see it with other eyes.

So, 20 years later.
I don’t spend so much time with them, but when, its quality time. Often long conversations. Or just talking about cars, bikes, computers, and businesses.
Life is great now regarding my boys.

Slowly I notice, that their knowledge in several areas is above mine. And its satisfying me. To see, that my education seems to have been ok.

We developed to parters.
To friends, to whom each other can rely 100%. Whom you can phone at 4 am and you know, he ll be there.

Being a father can be so much more than setting siblings into the world.
 
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