Having trouble making small talk; I don't care about other people

[MJ DeMarco]

Last week I saw a lot of "HIMYM" chatter.

I was like, WTF is HIMYM??

Then I found out.

People losing sleep over a sit-com.

 

[MorgothBauglir]

Absolutely, but not from discussing the incessant mindless use of the products themselves. I'm not sure how listening to Joe Nobody talk about his latest GTA conquest while he's sipping a cold Coors Light will help me add value to his life. Maybe you can advise?

Well there are a metric F*ckton of Joe Nobody's, so what he likes, alot of other people probably like.

Joe Nobody's also like to complain, and where there are complaints there are business opportunities. You don't need to surround yourself with Joe Nobody's, but there's nothing wrong with taking a step into their world sometimes.

Don't go into it with any judgement or attachments. Observe, discard the crap, keep the goodies.

 

[Lakeview]

“If people like you they’ll listen to you,
but if they trust you they’ll do business with you.”
-Zig Ziglar

 

[DavLung]

I've struggled with people skills for a long time so I can relate.
I think I come from a lower place than you do because I was dealing with a lot of social tension and anxiety also (which requires a whole lot of other things besides conversational skills). But all of it can be fixed.

In the past, I've also been: "Let's just talk about how to be successful, I don't give a shit about anything else!"
Needless to say, this didn’t help me get anywhere with people.
(And like people here mentioned before: The paradox is that being able to connect with people makes you more successful. Can’t do it alone.)

Still I thought: “WTF, what’s wrong with THEM?!”
Slowly but surely, I realized it was me and not them. Thus I began working on myself.

Here is what I did:

1) First, made the mindshift that “small talk”/”vibing”/”shooting the shit” is important. B/c it helps with connecting with people, makes more friendships, and brings more success and happiness.

2) Read lots of books on social intelligence and conversational skills. And they were great but MUST GO OUT AND PRACTICE what’s in the books. Social skills is an art not a science and the only way to get better at an art is practice!

3) Take classes: If you’re in San Francisco, Social Fluency was really a game changer for me. It’s a bit pricy but sooooo worth it. The instructors were nice and the environment was very supportive. Here is their website: http://socialfluency.com/

4) GO OUT, GO OUT, GO OUT! – commit to going to certain number of meetups/social events every week. – EVERYTHING AUTO CORRECTS BY JUST GOING OUT ENOUGH TIMES!

5) Believe it’s possible. Get it fixed now, not later.

Best of luck,
David

 

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[Mike Kavanagh]

“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, put himself below them; wishing to be before them, he put himself behind them. This, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”
Lao-Tse

 

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[The Abundant Man]

FORM/D

Family-Talk about her family and your family
Occupation-Talk about what she does for work or what you do for work
Recreation-Talk about what you do for fun or what she does for fun. Talk about each others passions
Motivation/Dreams-Talk about what motivates her or what motivates you. Talk about each others dreams. Really get down to why.

He/She d=should be doing 80% of the talking.

ARE

Anchor-This is an observation
Reveal-Your thoughts on that observation
Encourage-His/her thoughts on that observation

For Example the other day I started talking to a cashier at a local McDonalds

Noticing her Cat in the Hat hat...
Me: I love Cat In The Hat. One of my favorites as a kid.
Her: Oh yeah! I love wearing this...

Then we kept talking about cat in the hat. Afterwards Dr. Seuss books. Then starting talking about books in general and then kids etc...

 

[Brewmacker]

Hey @MVProduct,

I totally get where you are my friend and please believe me when I say it is not your money, education, status or direction that is holding you back from healthy socializing.

I have always been a very quiet person and prefer to listen, rather than output verbally.

When I was a student I was the same, but also a habitual smoker of weed.
I was really able to focus on my engineering degree and that is all I cared about. This exaggerated my "quiet person" syndrome, in combination with a healthy dose of being in my own head and paranoia. It worried me that I was boring to the people around me. This forced me even more into my head until the point i could not fully concentrate to the people talking around me.
When smoking weed I even tricked myself into thinking that I was above others, with disastrous consequences to the relationships with the people around me. I remember some of the conversations and I still shudder.

I am not suggesting you are a weed smoker even I stopped smoking 10 years ago. Not surprisingly, my social skills improved but regardless, I still was quiet and still worried that I bored the people around me. This left me still feeling disconnected and worries flooded my head. So this can happen to anyone I believe.

My solution: The solution I found was to actively Accept that I was a quiet person and accept that it is okay not to know everything. That is who I am.
Now when the people around me are talking about sport or some random shite i do not care about and I still find myself drifting into my own head and instead I force my 'self' back to the present moment. I focus on the people around me's joy and expressions when telling their stories.

The more you Remain Present in conversations the more you observe, take in and learn. Overtime you become quicker to respond.
For example: If someone asks me about football I used to say, "Nah, football does not interest me, bunch of pansies running around crying when someone touches them".
Needless to say if i felt left-out of the conversation topic before saying something negative like that, then after I was then completely socially blocked out from the rest of the conversation.

This is your problem to deal with and only you can take action.
So you need to learn to Re-Frame. E.g. Try to understand other people's feelings and not your own selfish desires. For example instead when some one asks me about football i would say, "Sorry guys don't ask me, I have no absolutely idea about football except that Ireland are the greatest football team." Then ask a question to show you were listening or enjoy the abuse your gonna get for your ridiculous answer (even though I'm right).

Your interests as described are also very limited. Try getting out in the world and forcing yourself into new situations or hobbies or sport. No one is going to help you here, no one cares. Trust me! Only you can diversify your social interactions or find people who are more like you.

In conclusion:

Accept that you are who you are and no one will mind
Remain Present and people will respond to that even if you have nothing to say
Re-Frame and rewrite your script. You are the author of your own destiny. No one ever cares as much as you do
Take-action and do things outside your comfort zone (that are non-business related that is)

Maybe you haven read it "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. This book helped me become a little more human again. I have read it 5 times already this year and I will continue to read it until I can read it in my sleep.

Good luck mate and I hope your social life improves

 

[cautiouscapy]

@liquidglass and @jait hit it on the head for me.

Here's the secret of it all: LISTEN AND ASK QUESTIONS. That's it, it's something 95% of people haven't learned. Listen and engage (don't think about other stuff) and ask questions. I've had countless conversations where it was just me learning about the other person, once it's over they never realize that they never learned one thing about me. But they leave the conversation feeling that I'm a genuinely interesting person and it was a great conversation!

I do this naturally, I am interested in other people, particularly their passions. I can connect easily with the people I meet nowadays because thankfully I realized years ago that I needed to look for certain types of people to hang out with. When I meet new people, it's usually through my existing friends, so they're pre-filtered as being closer to my type of people.

Being personable is great, and can lead to great relationships and networking opportunities but if you are going to go searching for water, maybe don't start your search in the desert?

 

[Erik Heyl]

While I can somewhat understand this (heck I love SEO, philosophy, martial arts, shooting...but have little time for reality TV), you've got to do it. Part of being successful is being able to be empathetic. To connect with a wide range of people. The best thing, is to just let them talk and be present. You don't have to dominate the conversation, just let them see that you're there with them. It can be hard but ultimately it's worth it.

 

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[Lathan]

Start with cashiers/servers/retail--they're required to be nice and friendly.

True. That's one good thing I've gotten out of working retail. I started off talking quiet and having no energy. Now I can approach people pretty effortlessly and holding a conversation is much easier now. You also get to experience multiple personality types and what not.

 

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[-L-]

It might seem strange to redirect you to yet another book. You might have already read it though but it was really useful in my case.

How to make friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie

 

[Andy Daniels]

build relationships ---> build trust ---> build a business

 

[Mike.B]

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

I'm in the exact same situation. I really am an altruistic person, and if someone is in need or has a problem I listen, but the pointless talk turns me off in a hurry.

I am finding it hard to overcome, and I tend to avoid some people because of it. Work in progress ...

 

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[Mike.B]

Billions of dollars have been made in and around TV, video games, beer and sports

Absolutely, but not from discussing the incessant mindless use of the products themselves. I'm not sure how listening to Joe Nobody talk about his latest GTA conquest while he's sipping a cold Coors Light will help me add value to his life. Maybe you can advise?

 

[SteveO]

People and relationships is the fabric of humanity, it's what makes life interesting.

Yes, and their antics....

 

[AubreyJ]

When I read the title to this thread, I immediately thought that this perfectly describes myself.

I have always struggled with small talk, and when I was younger I just refused to do it. I would rather sit in silence than talk with some stranger or distant relative, and it was because I just genuinely did not care.

My older sister is amazing at small talk, she is the type of person you can talk to for 5 minutes and you feel like you've known her your entire life. She makes you feel like she genuinely cares about you, even though in actuality she probably doesn't. My sister told me that if I wanted to succeed in business, I needed to get better at small talk, so she tried to teach me how to do it. I still don't like small-talk, but I've gotten very good at faking it.

I think that if you currently hate small talk your best bet is to get very good at faking it. Just try and talk with anyone you have access to, like cashiers, people in line at the store, at the gas station...etc. Like any other skill, it takes practice to get good at it.

 

[Grimaldo]

I would tell you how to fix this,

but you probably wouldn't listen...

Z

Dale I really want to listen your reply.

 

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[Christian]

Since you like success/motivational type material, you should know that you can get out of it by interrupting your patterns when they come up (see Tony Robbins for more on this).

Another approach may be to take advantage of the experience instead of being so frustrated with it. Use each of the 'unpleasant' conversations as a practice situation in controlling a conversation without the other person being aware of how you are doing it. Thus, you can pratice using your influence which can be beneficail in your business success. Find a commonality with the person, or end the conversation and move on.

To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson — "every man I meet is my superior in some way, and in that I learn from him.'

 

[ApparentHorizon]

Nobody likes small talk. Some people can just tolerate it better than others.

Introverts especially. We like novelty, so knowing what the other person is going to say is the worst waste of energy. The energy which is very limited before we have to go back into isolation for the day.

You also don't like small talk because the other person is some average wantrepreneur or 9-5er, who's not actually that interesting.

And It's not arrogance as stated earlier. Most of you don't spend your time gossiping on Facebook, and small talk with randos is the same thing.

With all that being said...

If it's such a bother to you, you're not spending enough time around the right people.

Business owners and people of importance love diving into the meat of the conversation.

Is your small talk, "How is the weather?" "You have any siblings?" "What do they do?" and 6 more questions before getting into something interesting.

or

Is your small talk, "What do you do?" "How did you manage to break into that space with X in the way?" - gets them to talk about themselves, and provide you with industry insights.

Boom! down to business in 2 questions.

 

[kkoasdfawfqwe2]

...

or

Is your small talk, "What do you do?" "How did you manage to break into that space with X in the way?" - gets them to talk about themselves, and provide you with industry insights.

Boom! down to business in 2 questions.

I completely agree with this.

Generally I don't like small talk either, I'm fairly introverted.

Though I believe socializing has benefits and makes me remain a mentally stable person, so my strategy to keep things interesting is always to act like I would 'sell' them - meaning that I ask why, how, what etc. in regards to what they do.

What kind of work are you in?

Which company are you working for?

Which issues are you having when you negotiate prices of X or how do you deal with the competitor going into a price war etc.

Even people with lower corporate positions can usually tell something interesting, and one thing I noticed is that the more you ask about people's lives or work, the more they light up and it becomes a real conversation.

So I always try to go into a 'small talk' conversation and learn something from it. Doesn't matter if I'm not in the industry at all, maybe you learn something and maybe it will come in handy but at least you had a more interesting conversation than "bad weather today huh".

 

[Bryan James]

Maybe you're a psychopath. Seriously. It's nothing to be ashamed of if you are. There are plenty of non-violent, non-criminal people who hold respectable careers (surgeons and crime scene people for instance) who are clinically regarded as psychopaths. There was a story I read about a psychologist who tested whether people were psychopaths using a test, tried it on himself and learned he qualified as a psychopath. Being a psychopath obviously comes with dark connotations due to pop culture, movies (Hitchcock comes to mind), and so on. The majority of psychopaths are not violent, nor involved in crime.

Or maybe you're not. Alls I know is that I connect better with people when I truly put a focused effort to listen to them, think about what they're saying and trying to understand where they're coming from and why. Hope any of that helped.

 

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[Andy Black]

but introvert thinkers can't really mix with feeling types . we want people "to make sense"

even if we have genuine interest for people, they view us as boring because we don't drink, we don't party and so on. social rituals like dating rituals don't make sense .

this is our biggest problem.

I don’t drink (anymore). I don’t party. I don’t date (except date nights with my wife).

I’m an introvert in the sense that I enjoy my own company and don’t need external stimuli. Many-to-many conversations tire me.

Try not to put a label on yourself. Just smile and say hello and see what happens.

 

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[guy93777]

I don’t drink (anymore). I don’t party. I don’t date (except date nights with my wife).

I’m an introvert in the sense that I enjoy my own company and don’t need external stimuli. Many-to-many conversations tire me.

Try not to put a label on yourself. Just smile and say hello and see what happens.

thanks

introvert thinkers rely on system thinking to understand people

since we can't really connect on a feeling level like feelings types and their random emotions that don't make sense .



for example : introvert thinkers see seductions as a system ( mystery method )









.

 

[Bertram]

Guess I'm a high functioning aspie then lol

[/QUOTE]

thanks

introvert thinkers rely on system thinking to understand people

since we can't really connect on a feeling level like feelings types and their random emotions that don't make sense .



for example : introvert thinkers see seductions as a system ( mystery method )

View attachment 25245







.

I'm an introvert and have a full emotional life.

Some extroverts have a limited emotional life.

Feeling emotions and the expression of emotions are different categories of behavior.

Athletes and yogis experience a flattening of emotions when they undergo extensive training.

A person's social style, emotional life and personality type have zilch to do with reasoning ability, with very limited exceptions.

Eighty years ago, people used to categorize emotionally lively extroverts as hysterical personalities. Most hysterics were female and gay males. Think of Robin Williams' role in "La Cage au Folles."

More serious sounding, reserved people were assumed to have better reasoning ability, a bad guess. It is still wrong guessing. Popular media and popular belief keep the hysterical female and hysterical effeminate male stereotype somewhat alive.

Every personality style uses the whole damn brain. Left brain dominance, right brain dominance, hemispheric dominance will shuffle right and left and back and forth all day in every brain. Frontal lobes for executive function, locus ceruleus for emotions, reticular activating formation for cognitive mapping and attentional processing such as screening data, pareital lobes for spatial and self-awareness, all produce white noise or loud noise - talking about neural networks here - while brain activity keeps flickering as rampantly as light in a cuttlefish.

Stoical serenity does not indicate more reasoning ability than loudness and bluster. So much depends on the setting.

Human mammals are so complicated.

So is human sexuality.

I hope that this is just good news.

Where does the above material come from, @guy93777? It sort of reads like a storyboard from an episode of "One Life to Live."

 

[Mike.B]

Last week I saw a lot of "HIMYM" chatter.

I was like, WTF is HIMYM??

Then I found out.

People losing sleep over a sit-com.

Ha! I saw an episode of that show about 8 years ago ... glad I stopped then.

 

[LIkeafox]

Start with cashiers/servers/retail--they're required to be nice and friendly. Emulate them until it's actually you (not you pretending). Practice.

You're obsessed with money, that's not how you get money. Even investment bankers don't want to talk about money for fun (at least not all the time)

I don't know if this will help, but in my slowlane life I'm amazing at customer service in a retail job. In my non-work life I'm fairly standoffish and have a hard time dealing with small talk. When I'm able to switch my brain into thinking, my job right now is to be a people person: to listen to them, to figure out how I can help them, to put my most sincere looking 'really, I do care about what you're saying' face on--then I find I'm able to fool myself into being social. Personally, the more I'm able to think of my non-wage-slave hours as my business the easier I'm finding it to engage people.

 

[Mike.B]

That's part of the point, at least be a decent likable person that isn't self engrossed in them selves and only wants to talk about making money all the time. You'll seem like an arrogant dick that will probably live a stale and relatively lonley life.

I cannot speak for the OP, but I try to be a very likable and altruistic person. Although when I hear the same puerile chit chat over and over again, I do have a tendency (as the OP put it) to "zone out".

People and relationships is the fabric of humanity, it's what makes life interesting.

I agree.

 

[Worldisyours]

...I just can't connect to them.

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

So, as you can imagine- I have immense struggle in making small talk with other people. I find myself ignoring what most people are saying to me simply because I'm not interested in whatever it is they're talking about- UNLESS it's related somehow to success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. I get it- this is a bad situation to be in. It's affecting my relationships and my ability to build rapport with other people.

I feel like I'm stuck. How can I get out of this?

A big part of business is your people skills and you relationships with the people you work with.

 

[Jesta]

Have you tried volunteering at a local charity for a weekend or two?

Being an introvert, english as a second language, only asian kid in a predominately hispanic community, volunteering really helped me break out of my shell. Not only do you get to meet some incredible people but it also taught me compassion and made me aware of some very real needs within my community. I think at these events, it really reveals how spectacular 'ordinary' people are and you can't help but listen to what they have to say.

Sometimes when we're in a situation out of our norm, we look for a reason to justify our time and attention to be there. Volunteering might not be a fast lane business but I truly think that many of the principles of entrepreneurship apply. Cook dinner for a family at the Ronald Mcdonald house and you're helping with a problem. Volunteer at a local hospital and you're easing a pain.

It might not make you a million dollars but it will make someone's life a little better. And that's a start.

 

[Private Witt]

...I just can't connect to them.

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

So, as you can imagine- I have immense struggle in making small talk with other people. I find myself ignoring what most people are saying to me simply because I'm not interested in whatever it is they're talking about- UNLESS it's related somehow to success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. I get it- this is a bad situation to be in. It's affecting my relationships and my ability to build rapport with other people.

I feel like I'm stuck. How can I get out of this?

I can totally relate to this. All I want to talk about is business. Im pretty friendly but the deeper I get the more passionate and focused about entrepreneurship I have become. Im lucky others in my industry are the same way and have a lot of people to talk with. Others I just stick to weather, sports and travel.

 

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