Having trouble making small talk; I don't care about other people

[liquidglass]

I understand where you're coming from entirely. I've read a library of books and listened to hundreds of hours on CD while driving. Petty things don't interest me and when I'm with someone I'm close with (the few) I'll ask if we can move on when a petty/negative/gossip conversation topic begins. As I began to grow "above" the norm. my mind wanted to shut down when talking to people on things that had no consequence.

But in becoming wealthy and successful it's not always about the goals it's about the person you have to become to achieve them.

BE THE PERSON you need to be in a given situation. I don't mean pretend necessarily even though you may have to at first. I mean BE PRESENT and BE THE PERSON required for the situation.

I'm not bragging by any means just giving you some examples. But I can go from talking about business dealings and huge decisions with my partner to giving an employee a "come to Jesus" meeting on their performance to listening to another employee tell me about their daughters sick dog. It's a transition every time from situation to situation, the trick is not to let them see it.

Interact and engage with people you'll learn some incredible things. I find being a person who no longer needs to talk about myself to validate ideas/points of view (ironic I'm talking about myself here haha) it's much easier to be charismatic and likable.

You don't have to make small talk, that's the beauty of it. Here's the secret of it all: LISTEN AND ASK QUESTIONS. That's it, it's something 95% of people haven't learned. Listen and engage (don't think about other stuff) and ask questions. I've had countless conversations where it was just me learning about the other person, once it's over they never realize that they never learned one thing about me. But they leave the conversation feeling that I'm a genuinely interesting person and it was a great conversation!

Try it, trust me, you won't regret it.

 

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[Silverhawk851]

Your indoors too much. Get out. Stay out. You'll learn how to deal with people when you HAVE to deal with people.
Get a 100% commission based job. When you owe rent, you gotta make it work.

What I read, I forget. What I hear, I remember. What I do, I understand. - Chinese Proverb


P.s coming from a guy who went from knees buckling when approaching a girl to speaking to 100 people a day knocking doors.

 

[Aimee]

From experience, I've found out that most people don't often care about what others have to say - everybody loves talking about themselves. Whenever one person tells a story about themselves I find that others seldom ask questions, but instead usually reply by telling a story about themselves. Be the person to ask questions instead of directing the conversation to yourself - you learn much more by listening than by talking.

Heck, I hate small talk - when people start talking about video games, celebrities or TV shows, I get bored and start to switch off. As a teenage girl, you can imagine that these conversations are very difficult to avoid - in fact, it's impossible to get through the day without hearing about all of them. I don't even own a television, but I know all about Kim Kardashian and her family, I know all the characters in 'The Game of Thrones', and I know everything about Skyrim.

I do find that it's interesting to steer the conversations towards people's other interests (i.e. anything that does not involve staring at a television screen for hours on end). Find out what people like and dislike, what they want and need, and then use the information to make your service better. I don't know anybody who's interested in entrepreneurship, but from just listening to lots of people I've learned a lot about how the everyman thinks and how to please him.

 

[MVProduct]

...I just can't connect to them.

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

So, as you can imagine- I have immense struggle in making small talk with other people. I find myself ignoring what most people are saying to me simply because I'm not interested in whatever it is they're talking about- UNLESS it's related somehow to success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. I get it- this is a bad situation to be in. It's affecting my relationships and my ability to build rapport with other people.

I feel like I'm stuck. How can I get out of this?

 

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[MorgothBauglir]

Pretend. You'll be surprised by the things people have gone through, and the stories they have to tell.

You're thinking of yourself way too much. How do you get successful without people? Who is gonna buy your product? Sign up to your lists and read your emails?

The people you are talking to is where the money is. Give them some respect.

 

[JAJT]

Who are you making small talk with and why?

I mean, this sounds like a stupid question but really - what are you trying to get out of chit chatting with losers who just want to talk about a high score in a video game?

Being personable is great, and can lead to great relationships and networking opportunities but if you are going to go searching for water, maybe don't start your search in the desert?

 

[LightHouse]

I find it funny you only care about success, but are uninterested in the very thing that builds it.

"I want to build a pool but I hate water and concrete"

You should be very interested in what they are saying, because those people are who are going to give you money.

Unless you have too much already? Maybe you can just sell to yourself and make yourself rich since it's the only thing you care about?

 

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[Andy Black]

I’ve never seen this thread before. Lots of interesting answers.

My take?

Business is all about building relationships. The longer I’m in business the more I believe this.

I don’t follow sports, or TV programmes, or even the news. I also zone out when I’m in a group and people are talking about the soccer.

I don’t zone out when I’m talking one on one though. I think everyone is a special snowflake and, like @SteveO, I’m fascinated by what gets each person passionate and excited. I think everyone can open up like a flower and get super excited when they talk, and I’m constantly trying to find what makes them do that.

What would get the guy just off a long shift and having a quiet pint in the pub to get animated and forget his crappy week?

Someone might be talking about Liverpool while we’re watching a game. I don’t really care about the match but I might ask what age were you when you started supporting Liverpool? does it run in the family? what’s it like having a brother supporting Man U? have you ever been to Liverpool? what’s your favourite player? why’s that then?

I don’t care about Liverpool, but I’m fascinated by *them*, and their story. Correction... *stories*. People have so many stories and not enough people to tell them to.

Seriously, learn to actually take an interest in other people. Be genuine with it. You’ll live in a sunny little world where everyone opens up to you and you’re surrounded by smiling and animated faces.

I’m pretty sure your business will do better too, but even if it doesn’t, living in a sunny world is good enough for me.

 

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[Formless]

What @Silverhawk851 said.

Painters get good by painting.

Fighters get good by fighting.

Conversationalists get good by speaking. Go talk. Hi.

 

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[throttleforward]

Always be in interview mode. People like to talk about themselves and most will talk endlessly when asked the right follow up questions. Always be thinking about the followup question while they are talking (this is a form of active listening).This will often steer the conversation toward something more interesting. This also happens to be how you identify pain points when talking to businesses.

 

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[DeletedUser2]

I would tell you how to fix this,

but you probably wouldn't listen...

Z

 

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[SteveO]

People will be able to see through the fake interest. Seems like there should be some type of way to turn this into a game or something that would allow you to have some type of real interest in people.

One of my greatest pleasures in life is watching other people and their crazy antics. I get very amused by the different personality types and silly things that they do.

Perhaps you could figure out what makes people tick or why they have certain interests. I don't know, just throwing darts here.

 

[Rickson9]

...I just can't connect to them.

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

So, as you can imagine- I have immense struggle in making small talk with other people. I find myself ignoring what most people are saying to me simply because I'm not interested in whatever it is they're talking about- UNLESS it's related somehow to success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. I get it- this is a bad situation to be in. It's affecting my relationships and my ability to build rapport with other people.

I feel like I'm stuck. How can I get out of this?

If you ever want to be successful you're going to need to learn how to sell things. And selling things involves connecting to other people.

Customers don't buy from self-absorbed individuals, they buy from people who connect with customers and their problems. It might be time to start learning how to sell.

I would view every and all interactions as an opportunity to sell something. A test. A practice run. You're going to need the skill. If you really want that success that you're talking about.

 

[LightHouse]

Absolutely, but not from discussing the incessant mindless use of the products themselves. I'm not sure how listening to Joe Nobody talk about his latest GTA conquest while he's sipping a cold Coors Light will help me add value to his life. Maybe you can advise?

Not everything out of everyone's mouth is going to be something you can make money off of.

That's part of the point, at least be a decent likable person that isn't self engrossed in them selves and only wants to talk about making money all the time. You'll seem like an arrogant dick that will probably live a stale and relatively lonley life.

People and relationships is the fabric of humanity, it's what makes life interesting.

 

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[chrisbiz4444]

Who are you making small talk with and why?

I mean, this sounds like a stupid question but really - what are you trying to get out of chit chatting with losers who just want to talk about a high score in a video game?

Being personable is great, and can lead to great relationships and networking opportunities but if you are going to go searching for water, maybe don't start your search in the desert?

Fast forward 1.04

LOL!

 

[m_e]

In the OP's defense; I don't see success being a corollary of listening to mindless crap that some people talk about. Not trying to hijack the thread, but in my case, I don't think discussing TV, video games, beer drinking, and the Ohio State Buckeyes can lead to anything profitable. I could be wrong, but I haven't found a single need from listening to any of this sort of chit chat. I think it's a pure waste of time.

Billions of dollars have been made in and around TV, video games, beer and sports... so yes I would say you are wrong. Listening to people the right way will uncover needs which may lead to $. Also you might learn about your future customer by listening to these random people. And don't forget the general soft skills you will enhance over time by talking to people about whatever they desire.

 

[Albert Liao]

Make it to into a challenge.

A 30 day challenge.

Couple months ago, I challenged myself to meet someone new everyday. My rules was that I at least get their names and ask an additional question besides the intro, "how are you, nice watch, etc."

I then wrote down their names and a small blurb about who they were and what they were all about.

It definitely got hard mid way through, but if you put yourself in this frame of mind, opportunities open up all around you. The gas station cashier, the parking garage lady, the janitor, people are everywhere! Now it's just your job to say hi and chat.

Give it a shot, what's the worst than can come out of this experience?

Feel free to PM me if need someone to keep you accountable!

 

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[tafy]

Always be in interview mode. People like to talk about themselves and most will talk endlessly when asked the right follow up questions

This is good advice, easy to do and people love it. I am like you in some ways and this is what I do.

If they talk about sports I just tell them flat out im not interested in sports in anyway. Kinda kills the conversation dead lol

 

[Mike.B]

I find it funny you only care about success, but are uninterested in the very thing that builds it.

"I want to build a pool but I hate water and concrete"

You should be very interested in what they are saying, because those prior are who are going to give you money.

Unless you have too much already? Maybe you can just sell to yourself and make yourself rich since it's the only thing you care about?

In the OP's defense; I don't see success being a corollary of listening to mindless crap that some people talk about. Not trying to hijack the thread, but in my case, I don't think discussing TV, video games, beer drinking, and the Ohio State Buckeyes can lead to anything profitable. I could be wrong, but I haven't found a single need from listening to any of this sort of chit chat. I think it's a pure waste of time.

 

[mayana]

I would tell you how to fix this,
but you probably wouldn't listen...
Z

Yeah, I think people are being WAY too easy on the OP.

When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

No one ever said that you have to cry when people tell you that their pet dog is sick, but you've got to learn how to have empathy. EVERY SINGLE SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS out there was founded by an entrepreneur who was in touch enough with the people around him to spot actual needs that will provide value. I'm serious about this.

If everyone was just wandering around in their own little world, not concerned about connecting with others and spotting needs (even inventors, etc), we would never move forward as a society.

I think that if you want to acheive any of the success that you dream about, this will be a serious impediment for you. Maybe if you can understand the importance of getting past the problem, you'll be able to work through it.

I get it- this is a bad situation to be in. It's affecting my relationships and my ability to build rapport with other people.

Do you really get it? Are you motives for working past this purely selfish (only to acheive success?), or do you have a genuine interest in developing genuine interest in feeling empathy and getting to know others?

There are people who literally live their entire lives unable to connect with others... it's a shitty place to be. They turn into pretty miserable old people.

Everyone one who has responded to this thread has shown empathy to you and your problem. Most of us would genuinely like to see you be able to beat this.

 

[GMSI7D]

...I just can't connect to them.



I feel like I'm stuck. How can I get out of this?

you can't and you shouldn't

you are not on earth to be another boring person with absurd small talks . there are already millions of people for this level. enough of that

" hey, did you hear about the news on TV last night ? oh my god "


there is enough people for honoring stupidity

but not enough for inteligence and what matters


even if you wanted to adapt to stupidity , you wouldn't be able to be good at it

you can't really connect with people at their level because they don't think like you

you think like a leader while people think like followers

a leader's job is not to be part of the followers but to lead them

 

[BigRomeDawg]

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

you don't sound very well rounded. go outside and do something fun

 

[NewManRising]

What you are doing is judging these people. It is arrogance. You can be successful, wealthy, and in business and still be a good person. Some people get big egos and arrogance. I slightly struggle with this as well. I already have a distrust and dislike toward most people for other reasons. But, I also struggle with judging people (sometimes actively, sometimes passively) because I notice that they talk about stupid shit. Now that I am aware of the fastlane, wealth, debts, I judge other people because I see them as clueless. I catch myself doing this too and now I am aware. What you have to understand is that even though they are still scripted it doesn't make them bad or stupid people. Try to be a little more compassionate. I know some people who are heavily scripted but they are still cool people. Another thing to consider is that when you are in business you have to be skilled in understanding people. Understanding their wants, needs, emotions, etc. And you have to be sincere. Business is not about fooling people because they are dumb and you want to sucker them out of their money. I get a feeling this is kind of your mindset. If this is, you need to change this.

There are other things in life besides business and wealth too. Don't get so closed-minded. This is a great way to miss out on lots of things. I am working on being a better communicator, being better at being more compassionate, and being sympathetic/empathetic towards other peoples' circumstances. Having this arrogant mindset is a good way of finding yourself alone and lonely in this world. Don't get too prideful.

 

[Elizabeth Shi]

Are you really planning ways to REALLY enhance your communication and relationship towards and with others? Are you REALLY committed? If yes, then listening and reaching out is the first step I guess.

Evaluate yourself, review past situations, reflect on these and then revise your ways. If you want to lead, it's very important to connect.

 

[johnp]

Get the other people to do the talking. In some if my best encounters I have talked less than 10% of the time.

That's all there is to it.

 

[randomnumber314]

Start with cashiers/servers/retail--they're required to be nice and friendly. Emulate them until it's actually you (not you pretending). Practice.

You're obsessed with money, that's not how you get money. Even investment bankers don't want to talk about money for fun (at least not all the time)

 

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[Hicks]

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

Of course I don't know your full situation. But two things strike me about this 'interesting' problem.

1) I think you are right, it may have backfired. One of the results of true self development will be 'Humility'. Humility doesn't usually manifest as disinterest.

2) I'm pretty impressed that you noticed that this was a problem in the first place. Kudos. Many only feign interest, so it's great that you caught yourself.

As for advice: I think that you will find people are pretty interesting.

Ask different questions...you may be surprised by the answers you get

 

[Martinv678]

Listening people is great you can learn loads, even if its not what you don't want at least you've something you don't want to do or be like! You're here once and at the end of the day the success is only a personal thing but relationships will effect yours and others in a positive way. I no for a fact most slowlaners hate hearing about success and money because of the envy so you will always find conversation hard, have fun with conversations ask random shit... Stuff thats different... and it may give you more confidence when it comes to having to small talk to clients etc in the future. Listen with your emotions not your ears!

 

[CommonCents]

You are hanging around the wrong people then.

 

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[SeanKelly]

I don't need to repeat what everyone else has already said because I'm sure by now you get the point. If you don't care about other peoples' needs/wants/thoughts/opinions etc then how are you going to provide any value to them? Maybe you aren't cut out to be an entrepreneur if you have that selfish attitude.

On a side note, I can honestly say that the title of this thread really bothered me like no other. "I don't care about other people" is just so ignorant and a problem in my eyes.

I hope you change your mindset for the better.