Dating as a Fastlaner

[Antifragile]

This post is a little unorthodox for the forum, but I swear it is related. Let me explain why...

I'll start with a little about me. I'm a 32 year old female and I have two fur children (goldendoodles). I'm an engineer, I have a fairly high paying 9-5 that lets me work remotely and have decent flexibility but I still absolutely hate it, and I manage my finances fairly well (no debt or car payment, emergency fund, retirement accounts, brokerage accounts, etc. etc.). I love doing crossfit competitively, snowboarding, hiking, going to the beach, traveling frequently, reading often, and learning as much as I can (working on Spanish right now). Finally, I'm laser focused on retiring by 40. Quite the spectrum, I know

Anyway, onto the main point...

I think we (single people) can all agree that dating in 2023 is absolutely dreadful. Between dating apps and social media, we live in the age of ghosting, gaslighting, and catfishing. On top of all that, being a Fastlaner makes it even harder (in my opinion, at least). Pre-reading The Millionaire Fastlane and Unscripted , I definitely had my "criteria" that was I looking for in a long term relationship. You know standard stuff: have a "good" job, live a healthy & active lifestyle, not be a serial killer or a catfish or try to steal my identify. All of those things still hold true after reading both books, although now I'm almost too selective.

As I've started my Fastlane journey and I'm executing on my first idea, I've fully immersed myself in the mindset and ideology of getting out of the rat race and living on my own terms. I've found this to be somewhat challenging when dating as most people I've encountered are very much in the Slowlane and have no intentions of doing life any other way. I'm almost immediately turned off by this as I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone that just wants to work their 9-5 while I'm working on my exit strategy. What happens when one of my ideas is finally the one? I liquidate and live the rest of my life living without an alarm clock or a "job." I think I'm having an extremely hard time overcoming the difference in mindset. I'm almost subconsciously devaluing the path of the people I go on dates with because I so badly want out of the Fastlane. I'm struggling to bridge the gap in mindset.

I'm not sure if I'm very much overthinking this or there are other Fastlaners that are experiencing similar issues when trying to date? I know this isn't directly related to standard forum talk but I do think having such a dramatic shift in mindset has had a significant impact on what I'm looking for in a partner and what I envision for my life.

Would love to hear thoughts!

I can share my thoughts but frankly you may not like what I have to say. How thick is your skin? Do you really want to hear the hard truth? Or are you seeking to confirm what you already think because you are on the forum for entrepreneurship? …

Spoiler: Hard truth here

1. You are 32 and still single, why? Nothing wrong with being single. But is your new conflict with “mindset differences” a new excuse of how you judge compatibility between you and potential partners?
2. Are you a little ahead of your own skis? Your plan to be retired by 40… it just feels a lot like “me, me, me” instead of “here’s how I can help people… I saw these struggles and I know how to fix it, thousands of people will be better off when I do and here’s how I’m going about it.”

 

[Ravens_Shadow]

I think its fine to be with a partner who doesn't want anything to do with their own personal fastlane. Two successful very entrepreneurs would barely have time for each other, much less the energy. You be the ultra busy one, let them work their job if they are perfectly happy and content with that. My 2c.

 

[Red]

Tagging @Red who sounds a bit like you, who also went through a similar struggle with similar constraints.

haha I've been reading this thread, debating on whether to offer comment before it devolves into men telling me about my biological clock, what I truly want, & being damaged psychologically for not wanting children.... XD

MJ the match maker, niiiice haha.

not exactly, kiddo.

I'm almost subconsciously devaluing the path of the people I go on dates with because I so badly want out of the Fastlane. I'm struggling to bridge the gap in mindset.

It's good that you're aware of this, to what degree you judge can either protect you or cause you to miss out -it just depends on the person on the receiving end & your potential compatibility. But you know this, you're a smart woman.

And there's no simple answer.... it's hard, girl. Dating is hard. I've got a few years on you here, but I was sitting in your same spot at the same age.... I didn't meet the man who would become my husband until I was 33. By then, I solidly knew that I wanted freedom over my own schedule & life and was actively working on making it happen. I had a business or two under my belt (and the ensuing wisdom from lessons learned in failure.... ugh). I was actively pursuing my own freedom.

So I had all your same "red flags" hahahahaaaaa.



Only my husband loved every. single. one. of them.

Don't want kids? He was raised in a big family & knew early on that kids was a big HELL NO for him.

Making decent money? He had an ex wife who spent money out from under him & didn't understand basic accounting or how much money that your time is worth.

Fit & active? He loved that I had my own life, took care of my physical health, had my own friends and ended up joining up with my softball team.

I've always loved cars & motorcycles... so that was a given for good conversation & a shared interest. (again, his ex hated his sport bikes.... he was ecstatic to find a woman who not only liked them, but rode as well -which he honestly didn't know existed)


But the BIG thing is: he wasn't intimidated by any of me or my world BECAUSE he was comfortable with who he was & what he brought to the table. And that is hard to find in this world. He didn't have anything to prove, he was just living his life, looking for a compatible partner with shared interests and suddenly, things that other men called red flags in me were a perfect fit for him.

And vice versa -things he had been told were unattractive characteristics or desires lined right up with what I wanted in a partner.


And because he was comfortable in himself, he had no problem being 100% supportive of me & my endeavors.




So @mooney14 , that all was a very long winded way to say:

Compatibility is challenging to find, we're such complex creatures.... and it's even harder when you've got a unique set of features yourself that are scarce. It definitely ups the standards -I mean, I'm a catch, right?! Of course I'm also looking for a catch, duh.

It's also hard to hear people tell you that you've got unrealistic expectations & you need to lower them. Yeah.... no. I'll be alone forever before I tether myself to someone who I think has an expiration date -not signing up for that.

Hang in there. Just keep doing the things you do & putting yourself out there. I know it can be tiring & discouraging. But you can do hard things, girl, you've already proved this in life. It may take a bit more time than "normal" but we both know that most people settle in this department, so does it really take longer if you give up quicker?


It's 100% worth the effort & wait. I would do it all over again if I had to.
So let's just hope I die first.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

Relationships don’t work out today because most people have weak characters and absurd expectations.

It’s ridiculous to expect to meet someone who fits your pre-determined bill of characteristics. Why not just meet people and see who you’re attracted with and resonate with?

Sounds much more natural and simple, than preparing a list of qualities beforehand. Believe me, you’re not even that smart. You know F*ck all about what attracts you and what would be good for you.

You THINK you know… you think if you got your fastlane man you’d be happy. But maybe you won’t.

So munch on some humble pie, drop the expectations, and work on being a better person yourself. Be open to meet others and connect, who knows what will come out of it if you stop being so transactional and start being more human.

You’re not buying a cow here, you’re meeting and hopefully forming a partnership with another live human being.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Primeperiwinkle]

Having your values figured out is half of the key to finding a good mate. You can't find them if you don't know what you're specifically looking for. "Having a Fastlane mentality" was on my list of criteria. I stayed active on this forum and two other entrepreneur groups online that met up irl thinking that by hanging out with actual entrepreneurs I would experience "iron sharpening iron" and become a better person for when I met the right guy. It worked. I'm married.


The other half of the key is more tricky though. It's figuring out your own worth and, the thing is, guys don't rate us the way we rate them.

They care, deeply, about things that you might not have considered like:

Are you a happy drunk or ever happy when you're incredibly vulnerable?
Are you loyal?
Do you respect men in general, in a vague way, or specifically with concrete examples of the men in your life who you would feel genuinely honored to be near?
Do you value intimacy or consider it as a tool?

Anyway, there's a reason all dating advice comes down to "meet more people and work on your character"

I think it's smart to share your stats here. You've just introduced yourself to a lot of eligible and excellent human beings. I don't know whether you will deserve any of them or realize how great their advice is though.

Fwiw, I have no clue why a few of them didn't like your intro. You sound practical and intelligent to me. The goldendoodles make me want to say,

May the odds be ever in your favor!

 

[biophase]

This post is a little unorthodox for the forum, but I swear it is related. Let me explain why...

I'll start with a little about me. I'm a 32 year old female and I have two fur children (goldendoodles). I'm an engineer, I have a fairly high paying 9-5 that lets me work remotely and have decent flexibility but I still absolutely hate it, and I manage my finances fairly well (no debt or car payment, emergency fund, retirement accounts, brokerage accounts, etc. etc.). I love doing crossfit competitively, snowboarding, hiking, going to the beach, traveling frequently, reading often, and learning as much as I can (working on Spanish right now). Finally, I'm laser focused on retiring by 40. Quite the spectrum, I know

Anyway, onto the main point...

I think we (single people) can all agree that dating in 2023 is absolutely dreadful. Between dating apps and social media, we live in the age of ghosting, gaslighting, and catfishing. On top of all that, being a Fastlaner makes it even harder (in my opinion, at least). Pre-reading The Millionaire Fastlane and Unscripted , I definitely had my "criteria" that was I looking for in a long term relationship. You know standard stuff: have a "good" job, live a healthy & active lifestyle, not be a serial killer or a catfish or try to steal my identify. All of those things still hold true after reading both books, although now I'm almost too selective.

As I've started my Fastlane journey and I'm executing on my first idea, I've fully immersed myself in the mindset and ideology of getting out of the rat race and living on my own terms. I've found this to be somewhat challenging when dating as most people I've encountered are very much in the Slowlane and have no intentions of doing life any other way. I'm almost immediately turned off by this as I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone that just wants to work their 9-5 while I'm working on my exit strategy. What happens when one of my ideas is finally the one? I liquidate and live the rest of my life living without an alarm clock or a "job." I think I'm having an extremely hard time overcoming the difference in mindset. I'm almost subconsciously devaluing the path of the people I go on dates with because I so badly want out of the Fastlane. I'm struggling to bridge the gap in mindset.

I'm not sure if I'm very much overthinking this or there are other Fastlaners that are experiencing similar issues when trying to date? I know this isn't directly related to standard forum talk but I do think having such a dramatic shift in mindset has had a significant impact on what I'm looking for in a partner and what I envision for my life.

Would love to hear thoughts!

I had a similar experience but somewhat opposite reasons. Back in my 40’s when I was on my fastlane journey I would date women in their mid 30’s who were doctors and lawyers and it was sort of a turn off because they worked too much and were career oriented. They had careers that were going to last at least 15-20 more years and hardly any vacation time. I was location independent and took 4-6 vacations a year and ready to live the retirement life.

 

[Simon Angel]

I'm sure this will be a controversial opinion—and I grew up with a single mother and a progressive and fairly feminist environment—but you're too career oriented and pretentious to date.

As unique as you may think you are, you have a personality type that romantically goes well with a few other types.

So even without taking anything else into account (i.e your personal preferences and standards) your options are already limited from the start.

Most men are more comfortable with earning the bigger paycheck in the relationship while their girlfriends/wives still work but earn less and have more time available to allocate to raising children and cooking. Basically, a homemaker.

In recent times, there is also a substantial amount of men that prefer to split finances and share responsibilities equally.

Considering you have a high-paying job and a high opinion of yourself, you'd probably have luck dating other engineers or doctors or other big hitters... But there's a problem.

You'll both be too busy to actually have a decent relationship because of a career that's still very much a job. That's not fastlane.

Now, the other option is to date an actor that's struggling to make ends meet or something like that...

But, inevitably, you'll be the provider and most likely end up bitter either way. Enter TLC - No Scrubs.

So, my point? Your #1 priority appears to be you and your own success.

Nothing wrong with that, but when it comes to dating, your priorities as a woman are unattractive for most men (who are otherwise compatible with you) who are looking for long-term relationships.

My observations:

Women want and expect their man to be successful — whether that's a career or a business. If they're semi-available, then that's fine. If not successful, then at least BUSY and with a secure income. If not with a secure income, then at least doing something with potential.

Men want their woman to be available. It doesn't matter if she's broke, working in a flower shop, or an 8-figure entrepreneur... Although most men wouldn't be able nor willing to handle the latter.

I'm seeing this pattern a lot where women with big careers and businesses end up with a big load of nothing because they immediately disqualify 95% of their potential matches because most men don't earn as much as them.

So you either have to be willing to date down your pay grade (something NO man has an issue with, but women do) or look for a man more successful than you (big time CEOs and entrepreneurs with a LOT of money and a lot of free time)... Or reconsider your career/dating/family priorities.

Lastly, if summits and meetups were still a thing, that could've been an option for you as well to meet with likeminded folk. But finding fastlaners SPECIFICALLY out in the wild is a hard task.

I hope this helps.

 

[SSTrey]

This is great! Thank you for sharing. The intent was to get a bunch of perspectives as obviously everyone views life and relationships differently.

You're welcome. One more thing....my gf is not 'the fastlane type' HOWEVER she seeing my progress over the years, she does root for me, and she waits for the day I 'make it;. In fact just yesterday she made this comment
"It's so amazing where you have come, I remember when you were writing all your plans and details of your business on pieces of paper years ago, to see it now come into frution, is so amazing, KEEP pushing"

The point is, people influence each other and oftentimes, having a partner who is your fan is the most beautiful thing.

I wish you all the best. Focus on what matters, and what matters comes into focus.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[mooney14]

This post is a little unorthodox for the forum, but I swear it is related. Let me explain why...

I'll start with a little about me. I'm a 32 year old female and I have two fur children (goldendoodles). I'm an engineer, I have a fairly high paying 9-5 that lets me work remotely and have decent flexibility but I still absolutely hate it, and I manage my finances fairly well (no debt or car payment, emergency fund, retirement accounts, brokerage accounts, etc. etc.). I love doing crossfit competitively, snowboarding, hiking, going to the beach, traveling frequently, reading often, and learning as much as I can (working on Spanish right now). Finally, I'm laser focused on retiring by 40. Quite the spectrum, I know

Anyway, onto the main point...

I think we (single people) can all agree that dating in 2023 is absolutely dreadful. Between dating apps and social media, we live in the age of ghosting, gaslighting, and catfishing. On top of all that, being a Fastlaner makes it even harder (in my opinion, at least). Pre-reading The Millionaire Fastlane and Unscripted , I definitely had my "criteria" that was I looking for in a long term relationship. You know standard stuff: have a "good" job, live a healthy & active lifestyle, not be a serial killer or a catfish or try to steal my identify. All of those things still hold true after reading both books, although now I'm almost too selective.

As I've started my Fastlane journey and I'm executing on my first idea, I've fully immersed myself in the mindset and ideology of getting out of the rat race and living on my own terms. I've found this to be somewhat challenging when dating as most people I've encountered are very much in the Slowlane and have no intentions of doing life any other way. I'm almost immediately turned off by this as I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone that just wants to work their 9-5 while I'm working on my exit strategy. What happens when one of my ideas is finally the one? I liquidate and live the rest of my life living without an alarm clock or a "job." I think I'm having an extremely hard time overcoming the difference in mindset. I'm almost subconsciously devaluing the path of the people I go on dates with because I so badly want out of the Fastlane. I'm struggling to bridge the gap in mindset.

I'm not sure if I'm very much overthinking this or there are other Fastlaners that are experiencing similar issues when trying to date? I know this isn't directly related to standard forum talk but I do think having such a dramatic shift in mindset has had a significant impact on what I'm looking for in a partner and what I envision for my life.

Would love to hear thoughts!

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Trismigistus]

A man likes when a woman who follows his lead and supports him in his endeavors, also they're looking for fit, feminine, and friendly.

I think you should just find someone you really vibe with and can be around first. I was a slowlaner, my wife was a slowlaner, but we grew together and now the slowlane is part of our process to go fastlane and get out of the rat race. For the past year or so ive been talking about starting a business with my wife. Ever since I read the millionaire fastlane a bit ago, I have really been ramping up the talk. I got my wife to read fastlane and now she is completely on board with a business, I have her reading through unscripted now. We have business meetings and talk about ideas now. Soooo different from a year ago. I know this doesnt really pertain to your situation, but people can change and grow together. Just because some dude is a slowlaner, doesnt mean you cant fall in love and work on a business together. Slowlaners want the samething you do but just hasnt been shown the way from MJ like we have. I hope you find a man asap!

 

[Simon Angel]

Very thorough! Super helpful!

I do think the career orientation causes some issue, that is definitely an accurate assessment. My question would be, Does that mean I should be less career oriented? Should I be downplaying my aspirations? I'm not trying to be an a$$ here, I'm legitimately intrigued with this and wonder how this should be handled?


Same question here, if the female happens to be a successful, high-earning individuals - I'm not sure how this gets handled? Again, truly asking not trying to be rude. If this is what men want (I also don't want children which is another strike), does that mean I should be adjusting my life to fit the mold of what is more desirable?

I also have no problem splitting finances. I always offer to split the check when going out on dates!


This was amazing! Love the TLC reference

Guess this means I have to pick with career success or a relationship lol or I'm destined to be single forever. Which I'm very much ok with, I'm not trying to force a relationship or rush into something. I was just super intrigued with feedback. I went on a few dates recently and I found myself approaching them differently vs. prior to my new journey and thought process.

For me personally, I don't think it is specifically how much do they currently make. More how they view success and what are their ambitions. Will they grow with me or will I outgrow them. I may also be ok with that if it was someone I truly cared for, who knows! These are all hypothetical questions as I have not yet achieved financial freedom and freedom of time. I have not made a major impact on those around me with my "idea," but I do know that I will be working tirelessly until that does happen.

I've dated guys that have made less than me, which is ok - but they have had the drive or desire to achieve xyz. I think it is fine to date potential, just have to assume the risk if the potential does not come to fruition and you're ok with where the person is currently. Its definitely a fun game to play, dating.

Yes, I was going to ask if you want kids next since earlier you mentioned not being in a rush to get into a relationship at 32.

With kids not being an issue, I don't think you'll have any trouble dating. In fact, you're likely to find it easier to date as time goes by.

One, because a lot of people don't want kids nowadays. And two, because there are a lot of people who did the marriage and kids thing and it didn't work out for them, so now they're dating again.

I think it really comes down to the people that I've met recently have prioritized drinking and partying over more intentional activities (which is very much their choice and if that is what makes them happy, then so be it - just not my cup of tea anymore). Was curious if others have seen the same and if the fastlane mindset has created more of a challenge!

Thank you!

Hmm, where are you meeting these people?

Try joining a local business club or attend meet ups for entrepreneurs/startups/etc and mingle. If you're reigious, I've heard church is a good one as well.

I think the men there will be much more palatable for your tastes and much more interested in growth and self-preservation than the guys with absurdist and hedonistic tendencies you've recently interacted with.

What's clear from your replies is that you're open minded and not sensitive to critical feedback, which is an attractive quality that's highly sought after.

 

[biophase]

This is absolutely great insight. I think the location independent thing is for sure a struggle these days with all the remote work. I too work remotely which allows me the flexibility to move but I do more traveling than physically relocating due to family/personal reasons.

May I ask if you've changed your approach to dating? Has it been successful? Did you need to change your mindset or your dating preferences in order to see a difference?

This may sound odd, but now I'd prefer to date someone that either doesn't have an important career, or is on the tail end of their career and ready to retire. The more tied to their job or business they are, the less I'm interested. But when I was in my 30's and 40's, this wasn't the case.

I think you just need to find the right match for your current situation.

I know a girl in her high 40's who is ready to retire and travel. She met a guy who is a highly paid doctor that wants to work another 20 years. So is she going to wait until her late 60's to live the retired life? If I were her, I wouldn't settle. But alot of people would be thinking, jackpot! You got yourself a doctor!

Someone in another reply to this post (I'm paraphrasing) stated that having two fastlaners or entrepreneurs in a relationship would be challenging as two busy people would never have time for each other. But what about if one is super busy while the other has more "down time" or "available time" (as you've described with dating doctors/lawyers).

The reason I mentioned doctors and lawyers is because they generally work way more than 40 hours a week. They might have one night available per week. And they don't get much vacation time.

I could date someone with a regular 9-5 and doesn't take work home with them.

I think 2 fast laners living together would be fine. Even living apart would be fine because by definition, they control their time. They can find things to do during the day and work weekends.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[mooney14]

Having your values figured out is half of the key to finding a good mate. You can't find them if you don't know what you're specifically looking for. "Having a Fastlane mentality" was on my list of criteria. I stayed active on this forum and two other entrepreneur groups online that met up irl thinking that by hanging out with actual entrepreneurs I would experience "iron sharpening iron" and become a better person for when I met the right guy. It worked. I'm married.


The other half of the key is more tricky though. It's figuring out your own worth and, the thing is, guys don't rate us the way we rate them.

They care, deeply, about things that you might not have considered like:

Are you a happy drunk or ever happy when you're incredibly vulnerable?
Are you loyal?
Do you respect men in general, in a vague way, or specifically with concrete examples of the men in your life who you would feel genuinely honored to be near?
Do you value intimacy or consider it as a tool?

Anyway, there's a reason all dating advice comes down to "meet more people and work on your character"

I think it's smart to share your stats here. You've just introduced yourself to a lot of eligible and excellent human beings. I don't know whether you will deserve any of them or realize how great their advice is though.

Fwiw, I have no clue why a few of them didn't like your intro. You sound practical and intelligent to me. The goldendoodles make me want to say,

May the odds be ever in your favor!

Very much appreciate your post and your thoughts!

I also agree you have to some some sort of "criteria" you are looking for otherwise you are wandering around aimlessly and I believe that is when people become slightly desperate and settle for "just ok" because they are getting older or this is what they feel they need to do. I've gotten some backlash regarding having some criteria that I use - of course that was the intent of the post to get feedback so no offense taken. I do think women focus a bit more on "what we are looking for" vs. men, which is why I think there is a skewed view that we are "picky" or "selective" - although I have some friends that have a laundry list of requirements which is just completely unrealistic.

I very much like your point on the second part about knowing your own worth. This is for sure a tricky one because there are those that under value themselves, those that overvalue themselves, and those that have it all figured out (do any of us ever truly have it all figured out?!). I think I've made such a large shift in mindset, goals, and lifestyle that I'm struggling with this one a bit, hence the post. Part of this is dating and the other part is adjusting to this new mindset.

I'm 32 years old and I don't drink. That in itself causes way more difficulty dating than one would think.... The choice to no longer drink has been very telling throughout my dating experiences. However, I'm learning as I go. I'm open to meeting anyone and talking about anything but I've found that there is a weird stigma around now drinking, lol strange to me but its whatever lol.

I've taken a lot away from your post. Very much like that you posed questions from another viewpoint. What are male counterparts looking for and do I even fit that? I do spend time self-reflecting and continuously working on improving myself (although it may not seem that way from the initial post, my bad for not better articulating my intent) - but sometimes the outside perspective is always more helpful as it is unbiased feedback.

Thank you so much and so happy to hear that you've had success with the in person meetups. Great reply!

 

[Muhammad Ibrahim]

Two successful very entrepreneurs would barely have time for each other, much less the energ

ahem, alex and leila hormozi



[i get that its rare but]

 

[MJ DeMarco]

I haven’t been single in a decade but you fit the profile of someone who I would have dated and found attractive.

For me, I wanted a successful woman in her vocation. The vocation was less important, i just wanted her to be a high achiever in whatever career she was in, and understood the Unscripted philosophy.

I didn’t want to take care of anyone or be someone’s savior.

Hang in there, let your energy and vibrancy attract who you deserve. Don’t settle!

 

[AceVentures]

Do you want kids? This should be the most important question you answer.

Your dating strategy depends on the answer to this question.

If you don't want kids, then focus on your career or your business, make friends along the way and have fun. No rush. If you meet someone that wants to tag along, then so be it. Just stay healthy, nurture your hobbies and you'll meet someone that vibes with you eventually.

If you want kids, then you must adjust your expectations. You're on a strict biological timer, and at 32, you already don't stand a great chance. In this scenario, your potential partner's fastlane/slowlane mindset is less relevant than whether they also want to form a family with you.

I would say more than half the girls I went to engineering school with that I keep up with today are unmarried and childless. They're your age. They're quickly growing anxious. They spent the past decade propping up their resumes and social lives, travelling, going to music festivals, and devoting themselves to growing as professionals. They're now realizing they likely fumbled their chance at having a family, and the angst is driving them mad.

For all the "Girls in STEM" cheerleading they got, and all the promotions and business trips they were encouraged to go on, there weren't enough people reminding them that their core biological primitive has a time limit.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[MJ DeMarco]

I would much prefer a female to stick to her decision to not have children vs. only have children because it is what society, her family, her friends, or anyone besides her, thinks she should do. Bringing a child into this world is probably the biggest decision any human can ever make. Doing so for the wrong reasons, is the worst mistake, especially for the sake of that poor, innocent child. With divorce rate still at an alarmingly high rate and couples having children to "save their marriage," I honestly believe choosing to not having children may be the smarter decision right now. If someone told me they didn't want to have children, I would applaud their decision to know what they want vs. telling them they are essentially damaged for their choice.

You sound incredibly reasoned, a breathe of fresh air in a deteriorating culture. So many normies like to say that the decision not to have kids is "selfish" -- those people need to be punched in the face, lol.

 

[Simon Angel]

As a man, I always ask myself who do I need to become in order for a woman to be content with me?

Hopefully, you also ask yourself what women you will be content with.

 

[Awakened2022]

This post is a little unorthodox for the forum, but I swear it is related. Let me explain why...

I'll start with a little about me. I'm a 32 year old female and I have two fur children (goldendoodles). I'm an engineer, I have a fairly high paying 9-5 that lets me work remotely and have decent flexibility but I still absolutely hate it, and I manage my finances fairly well (no debt or car payment, emergency fund, retirement accounts, brokerage accounts, etc. etc.). I love doing crossfit competitively, snowboarding, hiking, going to the beach, traveling frequently, reading often, and learning as much as I can (working on Spanish right now). Finally, I'm laser focused on retiring by 40. Quite the spectrum, I know

Anyway, onto the main point...

I think we (single people) can all agree that dating in 2023 is absolutely dreadful. Between dating apps and social media, we live in the age of ghosting, gaslighting, and catfishing. On top of all that, being a Fastlaner makes it even harder (in my opinion, at least). Pre-reading The Millionaire Fastlane and Unscripted , I definitely had my "criteria" that was I looking for in a long term relationship. You know standard stuff: have a "good" job, live a healthy & active lifestyle, not be a serial killer or a catfish or try to steal my identify. All of those things still hold true after reading both books, although now I'm almost too selective.

As I've started my Fastlane journey and I'm executing on my first idea, I've fully immersed myself in the mindset and ideology of getting out of the rat race and living on my own terms. I've found this to be somewhat challenging when dating as most people I've encountered are very much in the Slowlane and have no intentions of doing life any other way. I'm almost immediately turned off by this as I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone that just wants to work their 9-5 while I'm working on my exit strategy. What happens when one of my ideas is finally the one? I liquidate and live the rest of my life living without an alarm clock or a "job." I think I'm having an extremely hard time overcoming the difference in mindset. I'm almost subconsciously devaluing the path of the people I go on dates with because I so badly want out of the Fastlane. I'm struggling to bridge the gap in mindset.

I'm not sure if I'm very much overthinking this or there are other Fastlaners that are experiencing similar issues when trying to date? I know this isn't directly related to standard forum talk but I do think having such a dramatic shift in mindset has had a significant impact on what I'm looking for in a partner and what I envision for my life.

Would love to hear thoughts!

I greatly admire your courage in reaching out where many might have chosen to "suffer" in silence.

Your post and the ensuing replies have given me more ideas for a book I have been procrastinating about writing.

I got married close to eighteen years ago after two years of dating. We have had a roller coaster of a marriage, full of ups and significant downs. What has held us together, though, I believe is me!

Young though I was at the time of marriage, I had a few things that I was looking for, about which I could not negotiate:

He had to be catholic.
He had to be dark-skinned.
He had to be tall(I am one tall chic).
He had to come from a big family(They are fifteen, same mother, same father.)
He had to have an interest in reading. And he had to want kids.

Where did I look?
In church gatherings. In fellowships. In Literature seminars.

Being catholic has kept us together since for us it is "till death do us part."

The kids are a bridge because they are his pulse.
Hence, we stick out the lows and embrace the highs.

Other issues, we compromise as the need arises.

My take?

When you know what you want, you don't waste time kissing unnecessary frogs.

 

[Guest931Xfjyx]

You already have accomplished a lot of things most people wont ever accomplish.

Sincerely, major kudos to you for having your shit together. Problem is, most people don't. At least not to the degree you're letting on.

You're faced with the dilemma of dating down and holding resentment, or the dilemma of dating upwards trying to find the man/woman that's already highly desirable by most, and thereby taken, or single and even pickier themselves.

You ironically are already off to a good start by venting this problem on an entrepreneur forum. Surely a dating website for entrepreneurs exists...

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[mooney14]

That is total BS. If you want kids you have to decide now! You are 32. Let's take the normal case scenario: To meet someone will take 1 year so 33. To know if you are a good match 35. Fertility has declined already a lot. To decide if you can collaborate, it is good to live together for 2 years approximately, so.. 37. Baby takes approximately 0-2 years to be conceived so 39 + 9 months for delivery.

Get the point? The math does not work!

This is why, back in my days, when I dated women who did not know if they wanted to have kids and were career and money-driven, they went inside the bedroom and out of the window!
No wife material, just for pleasure.

Sorry telling you what you NEED to hear not what you WANT to hear. You want to hear that you are young and have all the time in the world. You are not! You are 6 years to becoming middle-aged! Life expectancy is at 77! Everyone thinks that they will live to 100 for some reason though.

P.S. I am around your age married with one child. Kids are amazing. Everything else has diminishing returns. In the end, You do you. My advice is for me only. Perception = Reality.

Hi There -

I appreciate the thorough reply regarding the process of having a child. However, my initial statement was that I don't want kids. That is just not something I see for my future nor do I have plans for children. I do understand the math and I'm very aware that it takes 9 months to have a child, but I don't want children....

Also, I am going to have to respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree with your statement that a woman that does not want children is "not wife material." Not that this post is even remotely related to having children or sexism but if a male didn't want children he would not be deemed "not husband material." This just doesn't make sense to me.

I do believe, however, that a woman that does not want children is "not wife material" for a man that wants children. It simply means they are not a good match and that is OK.

I would much prefer a female to stick to her decision to not have children vs. only have children because it is what society, her family, her friends, or anyone besides her, thinks she should do. Bringing a child into this world is probably the biggest decision any human can ever make. Doing so for the wrong reasons, is the worst mistake, especially for the sake of that poor, innocent child. With divorce rate still at an alarmingly high rate and couples having children to "save their marriage," I honestly believe choosing to not having children may be the smarter decision right now. If someone told me they didn't want to have children, I would applaud their decision to know what they want vs. telling them they are essentially damaged for their choice.

I mean no offense when I say this but, the initial post was about mindset. It was about ME being hyper selective with a partner not about my inability to find one because I don't want children. I believe the question I posed to the forum has been slightly skewed along the way and I'd like to bring us back to the topic of Fastlane vs. Slowlane mindset. Not about my choice to not have children.

Thanks.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

MJ the match maker, niiiice haha.

Naw... Red is a high-achieving, motorcycle-driving woman who also mentioned here that she didn't want children.

 

[Simon Angel]

Not much I can say, but it's great to see you're actively trying to work this out.

Ignore the normies/NPCs here who're like 'you have a biological clock blah blah blah', this is not 1950 - you can have your eggs frozen, which is only possible if you have some money, which is only possible if you have a successful career/business.

As far as dating goes.. I just broke with my first girlfriend in years because she lived 50 miles away, which was too much for me. I just didn't have the time to see her even once a week if it meant I had to sacrifice 3-4 hours just to travel. I just broke up with the potential love of my life and future mother of my kids for that shitty reason.

It reminded me how dark entrepreneurship actually is. The lengths I'm willing to go at. So I don't blame you at all for not 'settling'. If you choose entrepreneurship, you are choosing to play life on hard mode. The normies/NPCs would never understand.

She dodged a bullet imo

 

[BizyDad]

Protip: South Jersey isn't exactly a hotbed for meeting enterprising 32 yr old men.

Move elsewhere.

Also, you aren't Fastlane. Stop acting like you're better than your dates. (Which I think is at least partly why you made the post, so kudos to you.)

I think antifragile was on to something. When you talk about you sell and then you don't have to work again...

Why aren't you talking about having enough money for both of you to do that?

You really think you're selling and your partner is going to keep working when you have enough money to put them in retirement? Are you just keeping your money to yourself?

 

[Lyzmin]

I would date women in their mid 30’s who were doctors and lawyers and it was sort of a turn off because they worked too much and were career oriented. They had careers that were going to last at least 15-20 more years and hardly any vacation time. I was location independent and took 4-6 vacations a year and ready to live the retirement life.

Quite the eye opener. Thanks. As my gf is working through her medical studies I know she won’t get more free time. Her career will be #1. While I’m working towards no more indentured time and freedom of choice. Enough to think about.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[mooney14]

Quite the eye opener. Thanks. As my gf is working through her medical studies I know she won’t get more free time. Her career will be #1. While I’m working towards no more indentured time and freedom of choice. Enough to think about.

This is exactly what I'm looking for or I've been thinking about. It isn't necessarily a competition but if one person has "unlimited" free time while the other is bound by a time clock - just curious how that works out. Of course if you are very much in love with that person, you make it work because I'd assume she is extremely passionate about medicine and that is great (Kudos to your gf because it is such an amazing path to take) and you would always support your significant other's passions and dreams.

I'm more intrigued with the parties view/handle the situation.

Thank you for sharing. Wish you both happiness together!

 

[mooney14]

I'm sure this will be a controversial opinion—and I grew up with a single mother and a progressive and fairly feminist environment—but you're too career oriented and pretentious to date.

As unique as you may think you are, you have a personality type that romantically goes well with a few other types.

So even without taking anything else into account (i.e your personal preferences and standards) your options are already limited from the start.

Very thorough! Super helpful!

I do think the career orientation causes some issue, that is definitely an accurate assessment. My question would be, Does that mean I should be less career oriented? Should I be downplaying my aspirations? I'm not trying to be an a$$ here, I'm legitimately intrigued with this and wonder how this should be handled?

Most men are more comfortable with earning the bigger paycheck in the relationship while their girlfriends/wives still work but earn less and have more time available to allocate to raising children and cooking. Basically, a homemaker.

In recent times, there is also a substantial amount of men that prefer to split finances and share responsibilities equally.

Same question here, if the female happens to be a successful, high-earning individuals - I'm not sure how this gets handled? Again, truly asking not trying to be rude. If this is what men want (I also don't want children which is another strike), does that mean I should be adjusting my life to fit the mold of what is more desirable?

I also have no problem splitting finances. I always offer to split the check when going out on dates!

Considering you have a high-paying job and a high opinion of yourself, you'd probably have luck dating other engineers or doctors or other big hitters... But there's a problem.

You'll both be too busy to actually have a decent relationship because of a career that's still very much a job. That's not fastlane.

Now, the other option is to date an actor that's struggling to make ends meet or something like that...

But, inevitably, you'll be the provider and most likely end up bitter either way. Enter TLC - No Scrubs.

So, my point? Your #1 priority appears to be you and your own success.

Nothing wrong with that, but when it comes to dating, your priorities as a woman are unattractive for most men (who are otherwise compatible with you) who are looking for long-term relationships.

This was amazing! Love the TLC reference

Guess this means I have to pick with career success or a relationship lol or I'm destined to be single forever. Which I'm very much ok with, I'm not trying to force a relationship or rush into something. I was just super intrigued with feedback. I went on a few dates recently and I found myself approaching them differently vs. prior to my new journey and thought process.

My observations:

Women want and expect their man to be successful — whether that's a career or a business. If they're semi-available, then that's fine. If not successful, then at least BUSY and with a secure income. If not with a secure income, then at least doing something with potential.

Men want their woman to be available. It doesn't matter if she's broke, working in a flower shop, or an 8-figure entrepreneur... Although most men wouldn't be able nor willing to handle the latter.

I'm seeing this pattern a lot where women with big careers and businesses end up with a big load of nothing because they immediately disqualify 95% of their potential matches because most men don't earn as much as them.

So you either have to be willing to date down your pay grade (something NO man has an issue with, but women do) or look for a man more successful than you (big time CEOs and entrepreneurs with a LOT of money and a lot of free time)... Or reconsider your career/dating/family priorities.

Lastly, if summits and meetups were still a thing, that could've been an option for you as well to meet with likeminded folk. But finding fastlaners SPECIFICALLY out in the wild is a hard task.

I hope this helps.

For me personally, I don't think it is specifically how much do they currently make. More how they view success and what are their ambitions. Will they grow with me or will I outgrow them. I may also be ok with that if it was someone I truly cared for, who knows! These are all hypothetical questions as I have not yet achieved financial freedom and freedom of time. I have not made a major impact on those around me with my "idea," but I do know that I will be working tirelessly until that does happen.

I've dated guys that have made less than me, which is ok - but they have had the drive or desire to achieve xyz. I think it is fine to date potential, just have to assume the risk if the potential does not come to fruition and you're ok with where the person is currently. Its definitely a fun game to play, dating.

I think it really comes down to the people that I've met recently have prioritized drinking and partying over more intentional activities (which is very much their choice and if that is what makes them happy, then so be it - just not my cup of tea anymore). Was curious if others have seen the same and if the fastlane mindset has created more of a challenge!

Thank you!

 

[mooney14]

Yes, I was going to ask if you want kids next since earlier you mentioned not being in a rush to get into a relationship at 32.

With kids not being an issue, I don't think you'll have any trouble dating. In fact, you're likely to find it easier to date as time goes by.

One, because a lot of people don't want kids nowadays. And two, because there are a lot of people who did the marriage and kids thing and it didn't work out for them, so now they're dating again.

You'd be surprised how many guys my age want kids! But again, totally fine. That just means we aren't a good match or maybe I haven't met someone that I've wanted to have kids with.... So many possibilities here.

Yes, I'm also at the age where there are a decent amount of people getting divorced - maybe this is the best time to date!

Hmm, where are you meeting these people?

Try joining a local business club or attend meet ups for entrepreneurs/startups/etc and mingle. If you're reigious, I've heard church is a good one as well.

I think the men there will be much more palatable for your tastes and much more interested in growth and self-preservation than the guys with absurdist and hedonistic tendencies you've recently interacted with.

What's clear from your replies is that you're open minded and not sensitive to critical feedback, which is an attractive quality that's highly sought after.

Clearly not meeting them in the right places. Dating apps (tried it an immediately regretted it haha), mutual friends, the gym, etc.

Great thoughts on the business clubs and networking events. If anything, a way to continue conversations with likeminded individuals. Again, I'm not trying to force a relationship - was just trying to better understand the application of this new mindset and how it has impacted my thought process around dating.

I appreciate the comment about being open minded. I try very hard to approach everything in that manner - there is no sense in getting defensive because everyone has room for improvement or can learn something from someone else. Also, why post something on a forum if you don't want some tough love in response....

Thanks, great conversation.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Kevin88660]

This post is a little unorthodox for the forum, but I swear it is related. Let me explain why...

I'll start with a little about me. I'm a 32 year old female and I have two fur children (goldendoodles). I'm an engineer, I have a fairly high paying 9-5 that lets me work remotely and have decent flexibility but I still absolutely hate it, and I manage my finances fairly well (no debt or car payment, emergency fund, retirement accounts, brokerage accounts, etc. etc.). I love doing crossfit competitively, snowboarding, hiking, going to the beach, traveling frequently, reading often, and learning as much as I can (working on Spanish right now). Finally, I'm laser focused on retiring by 40. Quite the spectrum, I know

Anyway, onto the main point...

I think we (single people) can all agree that dating in 2023 is absolutely dreadful. Between dating apps and social media, we live in the age of ghosting, gaslighting, and catfishing. On top of all that, being a Fastlaner makes it even harder (in my opinion, at least). Pre-reading The Millionaire Fastlane and Unscripted , I definitely had my "criteria" that was I looking for in a long term relationship. You know standard stuff: have a "good" job, live a healthy & active lifestyle, not be a serial killer or a catfish or try to steal my identify. All of those things still hold true after reading both books, although now I'm almost too selective.

As I've started my Fastlane journey and I'm executing on my first idea, I've fully immersed myself in the mindset and ideology of getting out of the rat race and living on my own terms. I've found this to be somewhat challenging when dating as most people I've encountered are very much in the Slowlane and have no intentions of doing life any other way. I'm almost immediately turned off by this as I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone that just wants to work their 9-5 while I'm working on my exit strategy. What happens when one of my ideas is finally the one? I liquidate and live the rest of my life living without an alarm clock or a "job." I think I'm having an extremely hard time overcoming the difference in mindset. I'm almost subconsciously devaluing the path of the people I go on dates with because I so badly want out of the Fastlane. I'm struggling to bridge the gap in mindset.

I'm not sure if I'm very much overthinking this or there are other Fastlaners that are experiencing similar issues when trying to date? I know this isn't directly related to standard forum talk but I do think having such a dramatic shift in mindset has had a significant impact on what I'm looking for in a partner and what I envision for my life.

Would love to hear thoughts!

I don’t think both parties have to be business loving and risk taking entrepreneurs for a relationship to work well.

As long one side is supportive it could work well. Very often it is good to have one party tipping toes into business to try out ideas while the other partner/spouse works in a stable job.

Admittedly being an entrepreneur will lose some dating opportunities. My perception is that most people view entrepreneurs as cool and sexy but something too risky to get into their personal/financial life. Many people look for traits of stability in a relationship and being a hustler without steady flow of income is often “sexy but not for me/my future partner”.

It is also important not to assume that being in business/entrepreneurship you are somewhat more morally superior to people who don’t.

Most people don’t have aptitude or mindset to be suitable for business and among many who do, few will be very successful, and for those who are successful it often takes years to have significant result.

 

[Trismigistus]

Tagging @Red who sounds a bit like you, who also went through a similar struggle with similar constraints.

MJ the match maker, niiiice haha.